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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly
50¢
September 23rd, 2009
Volume xl Issue 3
HEALTH AND WELLNESS
CAMEL RELEASES CIGARETTES WITH ANTIOXIDANTS BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
WINSTON, NC—In a move that’s been widely heralded as the best thing since “ghetto booty up in your grill,” the R.J. Reynold’s subsidiary Camel has unveiled Gojiçaípomberry cigarettes–a new take on the classic death stick. The cigarettes contain antioxidant-rich extracts from the more popular super-fruits, including the acclaimed açaí and goji berries. With the product’s release coming on the heels of a milestone study published last week entitled “306 More Reasons Why Antioxidants Win,” Camel executives have high expectations for fourth-quarter profits. “Antioxidants are the future. Cancer is not,” remarked CEO Daniel M. Delen. “We’re fighting fire with, well, fire.” Public reception has thus far been overwhelmingly positive, as ten out of ten doctors agree that antioxidants are “super healthy.” Christy Lane, a typical house-
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wife living the suburbs of Philadelphia, never thought she’d encourage her children to smoke. “I pack two Gojiçaípomberry cigarettes in my son’s lunch every day,” she said, beaming. Mrs. Lane’s son is in fourth grade. “My six daughter already has cancer, so she’s on a strict regimen of three packs a day [and she doesn’t get dessert until she finishes them all],” added Mrs. Lane. The rest of America, it seems shares Christy’s sentiment. According to a recent Gallup poll, “93 percent of Americans fucking love antioxidants” despite only four percent of the population “actually knowing what antioxidants are.” Other industries have taken note of Camel’s success, and consumers should expect to see antioxidant filled butter, beer, and guns hitting store shelves soon. Although the New England Consortium of Good Doctors supports the product, opposition does exist in some areas of the mid-west. “Bogues aren’t cool anymore,
News Quickies Medium edges out Centurion in Forbes Best Campus Media Awards.
Visitors to the Rutgers page on the Forbes website will not be surprised to see The Medium listed as an official “Best Campus Media” award winner. This highly prestigious title is even more relevant under the auspices of numerous other distinctions bestowed upon Rutgers, including the coveted merit of being the 437th Best College in America.
Freshman biddie turnout reaches seven year high.
TORCH UP!
The new face of cancer prevention
bro,” posited sixteen year old Eddie Marks, as he admired the latest handiwork of his tattoo artist — a giant Bowser surfing and wailing on a double necked guitar. “Nothing gets me going more than knowing I’ll live continued, “CIGGIES,” page 2
Early pre-semester projections had predicted a particularly low number of “fuckable biddies” appearing on campus this year. “Given the state of the economy, we expected an influx of Indians and other undesirable internationals,” commented expert analyst Ian Gabriel. “After three weekends of observation, it’s clear that the official Biddie Count needs to be revised.” Average hotness campuswide was reported to be 7.2 out of 10, an unprecedented 26% increase from last year’s numbers.
HOME DEPOT
TKE HAS BEST RUSH TURNOUT OF ANY FRAT EVER BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES FRATERNITY CORRESPONDENT
NEW BRUNSWICK—Thanks to a recent advertising campaign in The Medium, Tau Kappa Epsilon has had a record number of young men turn up for rush events. This practically guarantees that their fraternity will dominate Greek life at the University this year. “When I saw their skillfully laid-out advertisement,” said freshmen John Pound, “I knew this fraternity was where I could go to become the man I know I can be. Forget the Army.” The sheer number of applicants has allowed TKE to be particularly choosy with their crop of incoming pledges. According to chapter member Anthony Adams, nearly all of their recruits have 3.5 or higher GPAs, rock Oakleys even when it’s dark, can hold their liquor like gods, and have feet that look spectacular in sandals. The Medium encourages other Greek organizations interested in kicking ass to submit their ads to managing@themedium.net
A SEAFOOD BLOWOUT!
Mama Brower bombs the Raritan to get fish in preparation for King Neptune Night, which was absolutely, deliciously, unkosher.
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