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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
April 5th, 2023
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $420.69 COME ON MAN, SERIOUSLY?
QUICKIES
Tapeworm Issue Postponed To Next Week The Medium No Longer On Strike Due To Nearly Being Replaced By The Daily Medium Next Week: The Medium To Interview Lil Nas X This Is Biden's America WHO THE FUCK IS FAITH DOROTHEA KALAEIOUYGH AEHTOROD Continued on Page 2 IDITAROD TAPEWORMS ARE JUST SPAGHETTI THAT WOKE UP FROM BED MCNAUGHTON? Local Woman Put The W In Wage Gap BY LEXA PREAUX I'm Pooping HOSTING A TAPEWORM PARTY RN While Sexually transmitted diseases and infections are Preparing This notorious for spreading like horrific wildfire across college campuses, Paper and Rutgers is no exception to the occasional chlamydia outbreak. I Should’ve Put This March, however, Scarlet More “Sauce” In Knights became vulnerable to an unusual, rapidly spreading to Rutgers’s large population, Today, more and more students are The Fettuccine biological threat: tapeworms. are entirely unheard of. Hurtado falling ill, infected by the tapeworm In March 2023 alone, Health center was the first to report parasite, and no public statement [DO NOT Rutgers health centers recorded these findings to the CDC, which has been made by the university. 74 student patients diagnosed quickly prompted an investigation. Little information has been REMOVE with symptoms suggestive of The CDC is said to be testing water released by the CDC, and President a tapeworm, with 58 of those sources across many buildings over Holloway’s failure to speak on this THIS, THIS IS patients confirming their diagnoses campus, including every residence public health threat has left students of having a tapeworm after being hall. All food retailers are also said and faculty in the dark, and those SUPPOSED TO BE referred to specialists at Robert to be inspected thoroughly, with an who haven’t caught wind of the GRAMATACALY Wood Johnson. These numbers, emphasis on dining halls. Continued on Page 2 although small in comparison INCORRECT]
FUCK JONATHAN HOLLOWAY AND HIS ANTI-UNION PROPAGANDA
HOLLOWAY IS YET TO ADDRESS THE "TAPEWORM ISSUE" AMIDST INVESTIGATION
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