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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
April 26th, 2023
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $420.69 IS TUCKER CARLSON GONNA COLLECT UNEMPLOYMENT?
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News Editors Get Too Old For This Shit Postponed: BY JAMES TERI NUWUS :3 The Medium To In the wake of Fox News’ Interview Lil Nas X reported 800 million dollar This Is settlement payout to Dominion Voting Systems for a defamation Biden's America suit related to a long-running smear campaign regarding its supposed Former role in an alleged conspiracy to rig the 2020 U.S. presidential election Personals in favor of Joe Biden, esteemed Rutgers University publication The The Medium is excited to welcome parent company News Corp, Editor Finally Medium has announced its plans such a well-known news comedy seemed equally smitten with the Fucking to purchase the popular right-wing brand to our family.” development, saying “I’m not sure news outlet for an undisclosed According to Haas, the acquisition that kid really knows what Fox is, or Graduates amount of money. was done out of a desire to what its audience expects of it, but at “Fox News publishes some of the not only boost The Medium’s this point? Fuck it.” He elaborated Biden Makes funniest, most absurd satire we have online presence, but also in an further by adding, “Although ever read,” said current Medium attempt to break into the world of we’ve used the ‘entertainment’ Bid For 2020 Co-Editor-in-Chief Brendan Haas, broadcast network television, as excuse any number of times in Presidential in a press release following the the burgeoning media mogul has the past for legal purposes, I announcement. “It is such a striking already announced his intentions don’t know that the viewer base’s Elections critique of conservative ideologies to replace Fox’s Tucker Carlson necessarily gonna be stoked now by showing just how flat stupid with himself. that it’s operated by a literal college Midnight they can sound when presented in Rupert Murdoch, founder and satire paper, but I guess as long as it Breakfast Found this manner. With this acquisition, executive chairman of Fox’s Continued on Page 2 To Be Mid HE JUST WANTED TO SPREAD THE LOVE, THAT'S ALL D.B. Cooper Alive As Rutgers Student Don Lemon BY LEXA PREAUX Signs Contract PRAISE LORD ZARNUB! With Fox News Tensions are high at Rutgers University, as students come off of Tucker Carlson a strike and begin preparing for finals. Days are getting longer and Signs Contract warmer, the semester is nearing an end, and during this transitional With CNN period, many are left looking for a English Major sense of belonging. Many campus organizations and extra curricular spotted out and about, offering ready to usher Rutgers University activities provide students with students access to their wildest into a new era: the era of The Devil. Appalled To community, an important key to dreams in exchange for their souls. When asked about his plans for Find They thriving in a college environment. Ronald Burz is a faculty member Rutgers, Burz claimed that he To truly belong though, is in the Philosophy department, has hated his time at Rutgers Have to Write something that chess club cannot and when he’s not begging for University so much that he has put Essays provide. souls, he’s teaching courses on in his two weeks and is “going back
THE MEDIUM ANNOUNCES BID TO ACQUIRE FOX NEWS
THE DEVIL IS REAL
A charismatic figure began popping up around fields at night and crossroads at dusk on campus this past week. He claims his name is Ronald Burz, and he’s been
“The Obsidian Gate,” “The Word to Hell.” With the entrance of the of Lord Zarnub,” and “The Post- Devil has come an interesting aura Modern Devil: An Incarnation.” and the ambient sound of fiddles at Burz is slithery, slimy, shiny, and Continued on Page 2
Being Sad That It's Over Since 1970
Fuck You All, This Is The Last Issue Of The Semester