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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
April 12th, 2023
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Tapeworm Issue Postponed To Next Next Week One Simple Trick BY JAMES TERI IN MARKET FOR DAKIMAKURA To Make Anyone In a press conference Have Sex With on Monday to address the staff unions' decision to strike, Rutgers You: Bring Them University president Jonathan On A Date To A Holloway outlined his newly enacted policy aimed to curtail what Union Protest! he described as “inappropriate classroom topics” for Rutgers Next Week: professors to discuss with their The Medium To students. The act, which Holloway introduced as the “Don’t Say Pay” initiative, bars any unionized department of labor concerns, to roll down his face. “J-just… how Interview Lil Nas X members of staff from discussing AND personally appointed its first ungrateful could you…” This last This Is its activities with students, and chairman!” statement was met with another dictates that any questions about Following this comment, the five minutes of silence. Biden's America Rutgers’ working conditions be president looked down at his Suddenly, Holloway roared: sent to his administration’s newly podium for several minutes, “OH GOD PLEASE DON’T She Strike On My appointed chairman of labor hyperventilating, before uttering STRIKE! PLLEEEAASSEE KEEP concerns, Honathan Jolloway. “I…I even take the time to write WORKING! I CAN’T HAVE University Until “Working conditions are extremely a totally unbiased update on THIS HAPPEN, NOT AGAIN!” I Fair Wages And important to me.” Holloway said negotiations every week.” He At this point, the president’s at the conference, surrounded by continued to stare at the stand in podium became drenched in tears. Contract key administration members. “So front of him, as several audience “I ACTUALLY WANTED TO [EXTREMELY much so that I created Rutgers’ members reported tears beginning Continued on Page 2 LOUD THEY'RE JUST TRYING TO GET PAID INCORRECT BUZZER] Who Calls a Bomb Threat BY ANONYMOUS TA/LECTURER At Three In AKA DEPARTMENT FUCK TOY The Morning? In a landmark animal If You See Me At rights advancement, the heads of the Rutgers University School of The Function, Graduate Studies have made a bold decision for the 2022-2023 academic Please Give Me year. In a dually supported decision, Dean Henrik Pedersen Your Vape and Vice Dean Kathleen Scotto formally granted basic human "It's fantastic!" remarked Den hanging by the thinnest of threads Local Man rights to the entire incoming cohort 'Daniel' Nguyen. "My department due to my F1 visa being supported of engineering PhD students. heads have known fully well by a handful of egomaniacal Purchases Outlined guarantees include fresh that since I don't have American goddamn sociopathic tenured Seven Copies Furthermore, the drinking water, at least 35 minutes citizenship, they can treat me professors. of sunlight time per day, limited however they want. Even though powers-that-be know that because Of Wedding cavity searches, and enrichment I've lived in the United States for I am an international student, I am activities such as paid actors posing 7 years now, and my dissertation basically hogtied with regards to Crashers For as undergrads on whom they can research has made incredible getting any employment outside Literally No take their frustrations out through improvements to New Jersey the university." public policy, my entire life is yelling and belittling. Continued on Page 2 Reason At All
HOLLOWAY ENACTS “DON’T SAY PAY” INITIATIVE
GRAD STUDENTS TO BE GRANTED BASIC ACCOMMODATIONS
Not Taking It Anymore Since 1970