SPORTS: FIA to introduce anti-gravity technology in all F1 cars for Australian Grand Prix.
LOCAL NEWS: Medium stops protesting due to Holloyway offering us $2 bill, half of a window.
WEATHER
PUBLIC HEALTH: Cancer rates in US projected to shoot 6900% following obscene amount of chemical spills.
Serving the Rutgers community since 1970. Independent as long as the Targum hasn’t been able to print.
Kinda mid, ngl. If you want a better idea, check out our weather report on the next page.
RUTGERS UNIVERSITY—NEW BRUNSWICK
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1ST, 2023
ONLINE AT: rutgersthemedium.wordpress.com
Exclusive Coverage of the Turning Point USA Event on Cook-Doug Campus BY THE DAILY MEDIUM NEWS STAFF NOT ACTUALLY NEWS STAFF
As notable events occur at Rutgers University, it is the responsibility of The Daily Medium to record the dialogue being spoken around campus. During the recently held Turning Point USA: Live Free event at Cook-Douglass, we listened to what the audience members had to say. The main objective was to find what the audience wanted to learn from the event, as well as their political identity. The first interviewee was a Rutgers alumnus from 1978, Jerry Attrick, who mumbled, coughed, and threw up a little in response to our introduction. After Attrick glared at us and undulated for approximately five minutes, we moved on. Rutgers Junior, Ken Servativ, stated he was only at the event because they “promised pizza.” We attempted to get him to answer more questions; however, he continued playing Flappy Bird. He did not look at us once, then began to salivate and cry. During this interview, a member of the far-right group, the Proud Boys, approached our cameraman by the entrance to
the Douglass Student Center. He asked the team for directions to the event. After pointing to the sign by the door, he looked appalled and muttered something about reading being “cultural Marxism.” His identity was left anonymous by request. Our last audience interviewee was a 4-year-old, Valerie Orant, who stated she desired to hear Candace Owens’ responses to opposing points. Her father jangled his keys and chuckled during this interview. In response to an inquiry regarding his political stance, he grumbled, “Cocomelon.” Turning towards the mother for her thoughts Pictured Above: Conservatives about the matter, she began to comment about the “Biden litical pundit and content weather machine” for about creator under the conservative five seconds before seemingly media company, The Daily vanishing into thin air. Ex- Wire. Owens made controverplanation of Mrs. Orant’s puz- sial statements about Hitler’s zling disappearance continues invasions during World War to elude the news team. We II, which offended the Jeware still unsure of her where- ish community. Following our abouts. questions regarding this conThe Daily Medium took the troversy, she remarked that opportunity to interview the “it is impossible for my words speaker of the event, Candace to be anti-semitic, as my favorOwens, a, right-wing politi- ite movie is 21 Jump Street.”
Seismic Activity Reported at Ronald Reagan’s Grave
Following this, Owens ac- ed into applause. cepted final questions from [Editor’s Note: Just a disthe audience before exiting claimer from the Editors-Inthe event. An unidentified Chief at The Daily Medium, student approached the mi- we have to acknowledge that crophone and asked about the author could not actually Turning Point USA’s plan to get any interviews that day, influence young Americans to and that this is all possibly participate passionately in po- fabricated.][Other Editor’s litical action. Glaring straight Note: Nah this all happened, into the student’s eyes, Ow- honest.] ens whispered a single word: “Venezuela.” The crowd erupt-
W.V. Republicans End Grooming by Removing Marriage Age Restrictions
BY JEFF T. NEWS
BY JAMES TERI
STAFF WRITER
STAFF WRITER
Grindr, the popular gay dating app, announced on the 21st that it would be partnering with the Center of Disease Control and Prevention to distribute free at-home test kits to demographics most at risk nationwide. Following this announcement, a button now appears in the app’s chat menu that allows users to order their own test kits, no insurance needed, and even allows users to set an inapp reminder to order new test kits every 3 to 6 months. However, not everyone has been pleased with this update, as reported by the US Geological Survey. Following the report of this news, a 4.6 magnitude earthquake rocked Simi Valley, California. The source of this minor earthquake was discovered to be the Ronald Reagan Presidential Li-
West Virginia senator Dick Justice introduced a bill to completely remove age requirements for any individuals seeking marriage in response to a similar bipartisan bill aimed to stop child marriages drafted around the end of last year. The bill (which Justice called the Please Elope Directly Order) has seen some pushback from voters, but Justice has defended the proposal on several occasions on the grounds that such an act is necessary to defend the norms of “ good ol’ fashioned, minority hatin’, beer drinkin’, boob lovin’, dick slappin’, West Virginia-ass culture”. “The DemoCUCKS wanna groom our kids by pushing the gay agenda on them.” Justice said in a press conference
Image: A live reaction from Ronald Reagan’s rage.
brary & Museum, which tor to his grave… befeatures a gender neutral cause good god is he spinbathroom that also dou- ning in there.” Upon saybles as the late president’s ing this, another small grave. When contacted, earthquake shook the the media representative building. When asked for the museum comment- why there was another ed, “Yeah, he really does earthquake, he added, not like this, but at least “Oh yeah, he hates clean we get a clean energy source by attaching a moSEE TP-USA ON PAGE 2
VOLUME 69, ISSUE FUCK
Image: An image of a regular old bill, no relation to the PEDO Bill
last Thursday, “They’re enjoyed endorsements tryna change our sacred from some members of way of life. It is my god- West Virginia’s Demogiven right to marry and cratic Party and was impregnate as many name-dropped by former young girls the day they president and self-proturn 18 as I want.” claimed soon-to-be convict In addition to its uni- Donald Trump during his versal support from the state’s GOP, PEDO has SEE W. VIRGINIA ON PAGE 2