This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLV Issue XIV
50¢
February 20th, 2013
SAY "NEIGH" TO FREE RANGE OPTIONS
Horse Meat found in Brower Burgers; "eh" say students BY Lil' Bit Managing Editor
BROWER COMMONS--University students were surprised but not shocked to learn that the packaged ground beef served in Brower Dining Hall has actually been rank, contaminated horse flesh for quite some time now. Despite it being significantly more costly and far less efficient, the dining commons has been outsourcing to British meat suppliers for years. When news of the contaminated meat surfaced in Europe, students and faculty immediately began pointing fingers at the Brower facilities. “I’ve been saying it for years about the meatloaf, it’s rat, it’s gotta be rat. But that was mostly because there’s usually a lot of small hairs in it,” said sophomore Lisa Turnbull. One anonymous administrator admitted that when beef shipments were delayed, University officials began taking
Personals Editor admits to not reading the personals section anymore WoW to shut downMarch 7th in anticipation of Cool Ranch Dorito Taco release Fraternities hold slave auditions
Bruce Willis' erection dies hard Market regulates self all night long matters into their own hands by slaughtering cows and eventually horses on Douglass Campus. “At first it just started out as a few of our own cows, just to meet the demand, and then
Not your usual "closet" joke!
okay, one or two horses might have slipped in there too. But the students loved it; we just figured, what the hell,” said a dining hall worker. Junior Phillip Bauer said that Continued on Page 2
Reaches fiscal cliff of pleasure; plummets like it was 2008 all over again. Sigh.
The Olympics cancels wrestling; gay porn enthusiasts outraged
read the medium instead!
Skeletons in Closet Making Apartment Smell Weird BY Satanic Yoda Staff WrITER
PISCATAWAY--Residents at 44 Sicard Street are complaining that their roommate, Michael Leary, has so many skeletons in his closet that their shared house is starting to reek of past-baggage and death. Medium reporters have learned that since the Rutgers School of Arts and Sciences sophomores moved into the house together last June, a noticeable odor has slowly been creeping out of Leary’s single room and the smell has been getting increasingly intense as the semester has gone on. Additionally, there seems to be an inverse relationship between the strength of the smell and how much Leary has shared with his housemates about his life before college.
quickies
Rising Textbook Costs Attributed to Magic Knowledge Tree Shortage BY Corridor Man News Editor
Omar Khan, another resident of 44 Sicard told The Medium: “While the rest of us in the house have become more open with each other about our pasts and shit we went through when we were younger, Mike has been oddly reclusive about it all. All we could get out of him was something about someone who died, we can’t get more out of him than that. Other than the
EW BRUNSWICK--RepresenN tatives from the official Rutgers University book store defended rising textbook prices yesterday, claiming that the high costs are representative of the current shortage of magic knowledge trees on which all textbooks are actually printed. "We at Rutgers pride ourselves on using only the finest printing methods and resources for our educational texts," said Barnes and Noble spokesperson Larry McDowdy. Finest indeed. The hundreds of dollars students spend each semester on books is thanks to the rare knowledge papyrus that can only be harvested at high expense from the forests of eastern Cambodia and in small pockets
Free TP Inside!
ESTABLISHED 1970
within the Icelandic frontiers. "The Magic Knowledge tree has been harvested for centuries. Most of its paper had been appropriated for toilet use, which explains much of human development up to this point," said anthropologist Dorian Doody. Printed on the he rarest and priciest of all paper, students can only expect textbook prices to rise as more and more trees are culled. Spokesperson McDowdy defended the paper's frequent use feverishly. "See, this is why online textbooks suck. Magic Knowledge Tree paper, bitches. Word! Have fun on ecollege. Sakai ain't got nothin' on us". As more and more texts switch to digital, IQ's are expected to drop dramatically.