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IN YOUR FROZEN FOODS CASE
RECENT SNOW STORMS LINKED TO POWERFUL GROCERY STORE CARTEL Snow machines possibly used to incite rabid demand for groceries
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
ACROSS NJ—Government officials discovered a collection of snow makers behind several local chain grocers, leading to high suspicions that the recent pummeling of the northern Jersey area was not the work of Mother Nature, but of Mother Corporate Greed. The suspected cartel, consisting of grocery superpowers A&P, Shop Rite, Acme, and Stop & Shop has been known to create situations to drive panicked demand for groceries, such as bribing news stations to report grossly aggrandized weather forecasts. Most Jersey residents would agree these forecasts suc-
cessfully induce massive grocery runs. “I can’t help it!” said local housewife Julia Heyt. “Whenever I hear it’s going to snow, I have to stock up on bread and milk! I’d hate to get snowed in and not be able to feed my family slices of bread.” Although cartels are illegal, the govern- While we forecast snow, most supermarkets are forecasting major profits for the next quarter ment has been hesitant to take action. AcSaid financial analyst Bill cording to federal investigator Brace, “They Bob Johnson, there are underlying fears that such action would have complete control of the result in the discontinuation of market... because they’re supermarkets.” 10/$10 pasta sauce specials.
MOOVIN' YO' ASS
SNOW RELOCATES COWS TO FOOTBALL FIELD BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
RUTGERS STADIUM—With the recent blizzards blanketing the Rutgers University campus in ice, the professors from the Animal Sciences department took extreme measures to protect the well being of their livestock. "All of the grass [at the fields on Cook Campus] had been buried by the snow, and the cows had very little to eat," said Professor Bryton Conroy. "There was only one place on the entire campus that was green." Indeed, that place was Rutgers Stadium, whose landscaping budget trumps that of any major campus. Within hours of the snowstorm, the gridiron had been plowed out and any damaged areas were replaced. To the Animal Science faculty, they had found a temporary home just in time. "Cows need grass as their major form of sustenance," continued Conroy. "We were able to put the pigs to the abandoned Cooper Dining Hall and moved the horses to the Quads, because
50¢
FEBRUARY 2nd, 2011
Volume xli Issue xiv
ICE CREAM IN THE MAKING Field maintenance personnel help to adjust the cows to their new surroundings. They will be able to watch Animal Planet on the Jumbotron. they are able to have more variation in their diet. Surprisingly, the horses enjoyed Tillet!" "Now, the field at the stadium is artificial turf," said Aaron Acosta, head of Field Upkeep and Management. "But I'm sure the cows won't taste the differ-
ence. The players eat it all the time, and I haven't heard one word out of them." The cows will be moved back once the snow melts, unless Head Football Coach Greg Schiano needs a new set of defensive tackles.
For Viewers Like You ESTABLISHED 1970
NEWS TWEET
BIRD FLU AFFECTS FLOCKS OF RUTGERS CHICKS
BY RNORMZ CONTRIBUTING WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK—The rapidly increasing cases of Avian Flu among Rutgers females are sending medical professionals reeling from sheer incredulity. In a mere three weeks the numbers have gone up, from approximately 12 reported cases to over 2,000, restricted almost exclusively to female college students. More disturbing is the complete lack of evidence so far of infection among local birds, leading many professionals to ask: “but why?” Medical Experts within the college, who have asked to be kept completely anonymous for fear of “Sounding like morons” have speculated that the answer is, in fact, the common use of birdlike names often ascribed to young women by their male peers. “It’s almost as though the disease has gotten confused, and has chosen to target these chicks instead,” said one researcher. Needless to say, women all over the university have become increasingly anxious at this turn of events, refusing to allow pet names from significant others and demanding to be spoken to respectfully, if not reverently. One student across the street from a construction site on George Street was found begging friendly workers not to call her “baby”— “I don’t want to get cowlick!” She cried, nearly in tears. As a measure of good-will, many fraternity organizations have pledged to make changes in their members’ treatment of women, choosing to omit such terms of endearment as “baby” and putting a stop entirely to the practice of calling any ugly girls “dogs”. Nonetheless, statements
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