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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLII Issue IX
November 9TH, 2011
LOCAL POLITICS
OCCUPY TOLEDO CONSIDERED 'A BIT OF A STRETCH' BY OTHER MOVEMENTS BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
OHIO—With the division between Wall Street and the public at an all-time high, highlighted by the "Occupy" series of protests, which has spread across the nation into cities like Chicago, Los Angeles and Oakland. Those protests, each generating thousands of protesters and spurring international media coverage were praised for their revolutionary-style outcries to demote the capitalist system and their abilities to create new followers. However, some new movements created in response have garnered controversy not for their cause or their members, but for how useful they actually are. "I believe that occupying anywhere in the United States is important, regardless of the geographic location, or how many people are actually interested in protesting," said William Krantz, the organizer of the new 'Occupy Toledo' movement. "Every city should be sending a message and the message from our city is just as important as the one from New York." New York, on the other hand, is confused by the whole thing.
INSIDE THIS ISSUE
THE MEDIUM'S COVERAGE OF EXXXOTICA!!!
FIGHT THE SYSTEM Hey Hey! Ho Ho! The Toledo Mud Hens have got to go!
"Toledo, that's the city Corporal Klinger in M*A*S*H was from, right?" asked Occupy Wall Street protester Max Wallace. Despite the lack of recognition, Krantz is confident in the group's abilities to create something great. "Our members have increased by over fifty percent in the past week alone," exclaimed Krantz. "We have over eleven people in tents in the park, and that's not even counting the homeless people and junkies!" Despite the protest failing to garner national attention, the city of Toledo is sitting up in
their chairs and taking measures against possible violence. "I told the guy that patrols the park during the day to just keep an eye on them," said Deputy Police Commissioner Clarence Tompkins. "At night, I'm not that worried, since they are normally too scared to leave their tents. They picked a bad park to set up in. Plus its not really anywhere near the banks or anything. I think they needed to plan a bit better." "Of course we are still in the planning stages," said Krantz. "We still have to figure out what local businesses we are mad at.”
NEWS IN PICTURES
'I was not drunk at my last speech!' says Perry
SOME FUCK WE PULLED OFF THE STREET EDITS THE PERSONALS PAGE! AN INANIMATE OBJECT WRITES AN OPINION ABOUT SOMETHING!
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Students discover new campus BY THE KILLA WHALE FEATURES EDITOR
NOT SURE YET—A team of Rutgers graduate students recently discovered an unnamed part of campus somewhere between College Ave and Busch. “Much like the Bronx Zoo, the Universe, and the depths of the oceans, there are parts of Rutgers that have gone unexplored for decades,” said doctorate student Paul Worth. By using state-of-the-art satellites and other technological gizmo-ma-thingies, Worth and his team were able to find a fullservice and self-sustaining campus complete with transportation, faculty, and classrooms just waiting to be filled. “Rutgers is a big school and the bureaucracy runs so deep that not even President Dick himself completely knows what he presides over,” said Rutgers V.P. of Research and Economic Development Michael Pazzani. With over 600 new acres of land to use, Pazzani hopes that this could create more jobs and cut down on the sizes of classrooms. “This is a positive thing not only do we have more room now, but we know that our campus is growing and will continue to grow each day,” said Pazzani. The team of researchers that found the territory is confident that the university will allocate space for them on the new campus to continue their research; however, such a scenario is highly unlikely. “Just like the Vikings dude, we’re not gonna get any credit for discovering this place,” said Worth. “I already heard McCormick wants to name the land Football. Yeah, that’s it, just Football.” It is still uncertain what Rutgers will do with the new campus but ethicists have raised one important question: what about the natives? “It’s our manifest destiny to take this place,” said Pazzani. “We can relocate the natives to our Camden location or perhaps use them in a lesser capacity. Either way, we have to make room for incoming faculty.”