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october 5th, 2016
Volume LII Issue IV 50¢ POWERDISAPPOINTING
PROFESSOR STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE POWERPOINT BY GRIND ALL TECH-SAVVY STUDENT
During a class on Friday, Carl Talson of the history department at Rutgers declared he was "normally very tech savvy" while having trouble starting a power point presentation. Hunched over a laptop with his glasses resting on the brim of his nose, Talson was said to be muttering "I don't know what's happening guys. I am normally very good with computers. Why won't this thing start?" Witnesses say that he seemed to have no concept of a how a computer worked as he continued to blindly click around the screen hopelessly trying to find a way to present the PowerPoint. "It was hard to watch. He just kept clicking around like he was having a seizure," said one student. "It was so awkward, it was dead silent except for his angry muttering and erratic
Donald Trump's Mic Smells Good "PULLING OUT EVERY EXCUSE" Carl Talson takes one more go at the offending laptop after five minutes of fruitless clicking.
clicks". As the clicking intensified, many students took it upon themselves and elected to leave the lecture. The remaining students watched in pain for another 10 minutes as Talson minimized and maximized the window over and over again
until one student sheepishly pointed out the "Present PowerPoint" button at the bottom of the screen. After finally clicking the button Talson was said to have sighed happily saying, "See I told you guys I was good with computers".
Douglass Girl Gets Revenge by Biting Mosquitos The mosquito population residing at Douglass campus has waned considerably during the last couple of weeks. This is explained partly because the weather is getting colder and many species of birds, such as mosquitos, respond by flying south for the winter. Sophomore Katie Carter is working to bite the remaining population into submission. “All summer, bugs have bitten my body whenever I had the audacity to walk outside for more than five minutes or so. It’s time I give them a taste of their own medicine!” Said Carter. Carter eventually decided to seek her revenge by biting due to
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a combination of a biologically hardwired desire to destroy her enemies in the same way they attacked her, and the fact that punching small flying things is actually quite difficult. “Punches and kicks have a relatively small surface area, making dodging trivial. I mean these fuckers have been rumored to dodge goddamn raindrops! I don’t know if it’s accurate though,” said Rutgers School of Environmental and Biological Sciences Student Andrea McGuire. McGuire later explained that biting is most efficient due to the wide area open mouths have. She studies mosquitos and other disease carrying creatures, so she theoretically would have
knowledge in this area. Carter’s efforts have been estimated by herself to have decreased the mosquito population by 25%. This appears to be plausible, as a mosquito with bite marks was discovered in Neilson Dining Hall. “So I was just sitting there eating my bagel, and a mosquito with human like bite marks just flies over in a zigzag pattern and lands on my arm. I’ve never seen anything quite like that.” Said Rutgers junior Warren Egizi. Time will tell if Carter's efforts to bite the mosquito population into submission will be successful. One thing we can all agree on in the meantime is that Katie Carter is a true hero of Rutgers University.
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