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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
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Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
Volume XXXVII - Issue XII
NEWS SHORTS Greg Schiano Lays Golden Eggs Weekly Piscataway- It has recently been discovered that Rutgers football coach Greg Schiano actually lays one golden egg a week which would justify him earning over a million dollars a year. He discovered this ability after a long fought fight with some Tex-Mex food from Brower. “I just chopped wood and squeezed the little bastard out,” said Schiano.
Rug Doctors Sued for Mal-Practice Plano, Texas- Justice was finally served in a small Texas town as the Gonzalez family won their $750,000 Malpractice suit against “Rug Doctors”. It turns out that the supposed “Doctors” never went to medical school and they tried to cover it up with a carpet steaming business. The damages claimed by the Gonzalez family were that the Doctors burned their son to death while also pouring cleaning chemicals down his throat which left a lemony scent on the corpse. The family did however note how well the Doctor handled the stains on the carpet.
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Students to Room With Homeless BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick- In an extremely desperate move to solve the student housing crisis, Rutgers officials announced a radical new plan to get students more permanent housing by moving them in with willing homeless “hosts” as spaces become available. “We felt that this would both satisfy our mandate to provide students with the housing we guaranteed them while also fulfilling Rutgers University’s desire to become more active in the community,” said Michael Imperiale, the executive director of housing, “and we hope that this program will become a permanent feature of our great university!” Currently, Rutgers students who do not have a permanent residence are being temporarily housed in of
campus apartments, hotels, etc. until a more permanent solution can be found. After much deliberation, a final plan was agreed upon by the administration and it was outlined in a Tuesday press briefing in Scott Hall. “The official plan is give hotel students the option to move out of the hotel and receive $200 on their RU Express card in exchange for permanent residency!” exclaimed Imperiale, “already we have had a positive response from those students who have opted for the move! Ok! No more questions? Great! Later!” Before Imperiale could run out of the room, he was immediately bombarded with questions about the rumors of students getting shanked and mugged
Zac Morris is shown here with “Crazy Toes” Jim by their homeless side-walk mates to which he responded, “Uh...well...we haven’t really heard from...Hey! How are those Football teams doing?!” According to New Brunswick Police reports, 23 students have had multiple crimes committed on them on a “daily” to “hourly” basis which has left 20
of them hospitalized which has incurred $12,980 of various medical bills/expenses. When asked about this alarming number, Craig Wilson, a long time New Brunswick homeless resident and Chairman of The Eating His Own Shit Committee said “Got change for a Happy Meal?” then passed out.
Rutgers Sells Naming Rights to New Stadium Trojan to Christen “SexuallyResponsible.com Field” in 2009 BY TAPEWORM JONES Contributing Writer
Piscataway- In the wake of recent developments concerning the lack of funding for the proposed stadium expansion, Rutgers has decided to sellout to Trojan ® Brand, the international authority on condoms and sexual accessories. Trojan is expected to cover nearly all of the funding, including a new phallic shaped roof covered in what appears to be a resevoir-tipped Pleasure-Max condom.
When asked about the new sponsorship, Bob Mullbaby stated, “Trojan Brand is very reliable, America’s most trusted brand! If I were banging a whore, I would choose Trojan on my own. But that’s supposing a lot. The great news is that now we actually have them on our side. And it brings a lot more attention and safety to our program.” A sales-representative said that the new sponsorship helps both communities; the university community as well as the
Trojan consumer base. As long as Rutgers wins, so does Trojan. And when Rutgers loses, “well... Trojan will pull-out. But they say they are strong and durable partners, so they may not pull-out. They might just bang out as much as they can. Their advertisements, that is...and this is what they specialize in. They know when to pull out or when to hit it” Free condoms will be given out with every free shirt at each football game. On another note,
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Nike is also in talks with Trojan about a possible merger between the two brands. They plan to start an add campaign around their new “Nike Swoosh” condoms by changing their motto from “Just Do It” to “Just Do It...With Adequate Protection?”