THE TRUTH
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THE TRUTH
A Discworld® Novel
Terry Pratchett
TRANSWORLD PUBLISHERS
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First published in Great Britain in 2000 by Doubleday an imprint of Transworld Publishers
This edition published in Great Britain in 2016
Copyright © Terry and Lyn Pratchett 2000
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1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2
AUTHOR’SNOTE
Sometimesafantasyauthor hasto pointoutthestrangeness of reality.ThewayAnkh-Morporkdealtwithitsflood problems(see p.319andonwards)iscuriouslysimilar tothat adoptedbythecityofSeattle,Washington,towardstheendof thenineteenthcentur y.Really.Goandsee.Tr ytheclam chowder whileyou’rethere.
THE TRUTH
Therumour spreadthroug hthecitylikewildfire (whichhadquiteoftenspreadthroug hAnkhMorporksinceitscitizenshadlearnedthewords‘fire insurance’).
The dwarfscanturnleadintogold ...
Itbuzzedthroug hthefetidair oftheAlchemists’ quar ter,wheretheyhadbeentr ying todothesame thing for centur ieswithoutsuccessbutwerecer tain thatthey’dmanageitbytomorrow,or nextTuesdayat least,or theendofthemonthfor definite.
Itcausedspeculation among thewizards at Unseen University,wheretheyknewyou could turnone elementintoanother element, providedyoudidn’t minditturning backagainnextday,andwherewas the goodinthat?Besides,mostelementswerehappy wheretheywere.
Itsearedintothescarred, puffyandsometimes totallymissing earsoftheThieves’Guild,where people putanedgeontheir crowbars.Whocared wherethe gold came from?
The dwarfscanturnleadintogold ...
It reachedthecoldbutincrediblyacuteearsofthe Pat r ician,anditdidthatfairlyquickly,because youdidnotstay ruler ofAnkh-Morporkfor long ifyouweresecondwiththenews.Hesig hedand
madeanoteofit,andaddedittoalotofother notes.
The dwarfscanturnleadintogold ...
It reachedthe pointyearsofthedwarfs.
‘Canwe?’
‘DamnedifIknow. I can’t.’
‘Yeah,butifyoucould,youwouldn’tsay. I wouldn’t say,if I could.’
‘Canyou?’
‘No!’
‘Ah-ha!’
ItcametotheearsoftheNig htWatchofthecity guard,astheydid gatedutyatteno’clockonanicy nig ht.GatedutyinAnkh-Morporkwasnottaxing .It consistedmainlyofwaving throug hanything that wantedto gothroug h,althoug htrafficwasminimal inthedarkandfreezing fog .
Theyhunchedintheshelter ofthe gatearch, shar ing onedamp cigarette.
‘Youcan’tturnsomething intosomething else,’said CorporalNobbs.‘TheAlchemistshavebeentr ying it for years.’
‘Theycan gen’rallyturnahouseintoaholeinthe ground,’saidSergeantColon.
‘That’swhatI’mtalking about,’saidCorpor al Nobbs.‘Can’tbedone.It’salltodowith...elements. Analchemisttoldme.Ever ything’smadeup of elements, right?Earth,Water,Air,Fireand...sunnink. Well-knownfact.Ever ything’s got’emallmixedup just right.’
Hestampedhisfeetinaneffor tto getsome warmthintothem.
‘Ifitwas possibletoturnleadinto gold,ever yone’d bedoing it,’hesaid.
‘Wizardscoulddoit,’saidSergeantColon.
‘Oh,well, mag ic,’saidNobbydismissively.
Alargecar t rumbledoutoftheyellowcloudsand enteredthearch,splashing Colonasitwobbled throug honeofthe puddlesthatweresuchafeatureof Ankh-Morpork’shig hways.
‘Bloodydwarfs,’hesaid,asitcontinuedonintothe city.Buthedidn’tsayittooloudly.
‘Therewerealotofthem pushing thatcar t,’said CorporalNobbs reflectively.Itlurchedslowly rounda corner andwaslosttoview.
‘Prob’lyallthat gold,’saidColon.
‘Hah.Yeah.That’dbeit,then.’
Andthe rumour cametotheearsofWilliamde Worde,andinasenseitstoppedthere,becausehe dutifullyw roteitdown.
Itwashisjob.LadyMargolottaofUber waldsent himfivedollarsamonthtodoit.TheDowager DuchessofQuirmalsosenthimfivedollars.Sodid King VerenceofLancre,andafewother Ramtop notables.SodidtheSer iphofAlKhali,althoug hinhis casethe paymentwashalfacar tloadoffigs,twicea year.
Allinall,heconsidered,hewasontoa goodthing . Allhehadtodowasw r iteoneletter ver ycarefully, traceitbackwardsontoa pieceofboxwood provided for himbyMr Cr ipslocktheengraver intheStreetof Cunning Ar tificers,andthen payMr Cr ipslocktwenty dollarstocarefully removethewoodthatwasn’t
lettersandmakefiveimpressionsonsheetsof paper.
Ofcourse,ithadtobedonethoug htfully,with spacesleftafter ‘TomyNobleClientthe’,andsoon, whichhehadtofillinlater,butevendeducting expensesitstilllefthimthebest par tofthir tydollars for littlemorethanoneday’sworkamonth.
Ayoung manwithouttoomany responsibilities
couldlivemodestlyinAnkh-Morporkonthir tyor for tydollarsamonth;healwayssoldthefigs,because althoug hitwas possibletoliveonfigsyousoon wishedyoudidn’t.
Andtherewerealwaysadditionalsumstobe picked up hereandthere.Theworldofletterswasaclosed boo—mysterious paper yobjecttomanyofAnkhMorpork’scitizens,butiftheyever did needtocommit thingsto paper quiteafewofthemwalkedup the creakystairs pastthesign‘WilliamdeWorde:Things WrittenDown’.
Dwarfs,for example.Dwarfswerealwayscoming to seekworkinthecity,andthefirstthing theydidwas sendaletter homesaying howwelltheyweredoing . Thiswassucha predictableoccurrence,evenifthe dwarfinquestionwassofar downonhisluckthat he’dbeenforcedtoeathishelmet,thatWilliamhadMr Cripslock produceseveraldozenstockletterswhich neededonlyafewspacesfilledintobe perfectly acceptable.
Fonddwa r f p a rentsallove r themountains treasuredletterswhichlookedsomething likethis:
Dear [Mume&Dad], Well,Iarrivedhereall r ig htandIamstaying ,
at [109CockbillStreetTheShadesAnkh-Morpk] .
Ever ythyng isfine.Ihave gota goodejobworking for [MrC.M.O.T.Dibbler,MerchantVenturer] andwillbemakingelotsofmoney reallysoon now.Iam remember ingealleyourgodeadvyce andamnotdr inkynge,inbarsor mixsing with Trolls.Wellthasaboutittemuƒt goenow,looking for wadetoseing youand [Emelia] agane, your loving son, [TomasBrokenbrow]
...whowasusuallyswaying whilehedictatedit.It wastwenty penceeasilymade,andasanadditional ser viceWilliamcarefullytailoredthespelling tothe clientandallowedthemtochoosethei r own punctuation.
Onthis particular evening,withthesleet gurgling in thedownspoutsoutsidehislodgings,Williamsatinthe tinyofficeover theGuildofConjurorsandwrotecarefully,halflistening tothehopelessbut painstaking catechismofthetraineeconjurorsattheir evening class inthe roombelow.
‘... payattention.Areyou ready?Rig ht.Egg . Glass...’
‘Egg.Glass,’theclassdronedlistlessly.
‘...Glass.Egg ...’
‘Glass.Egg ...’
‘...Mag icword...’
‘Mag icword ...’
‘Fazammm.Justlikethat.Ahahahahaha...’
‘Faz-ammm.Justlikethat.Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha ...’
William pulledanother sheetof paper towardshim,
T ERRY P RATCHETT
sharpenedafreshquill,staredatthewallfor amoment andthenwroteasfollows:
Andfinally,onthelig hter Side,itisbeing said thattheDwarfscanTurnLeadintoGold,thoug h nooneknowswhencethe rumour comes,and Dwarfs going abouttheir lawfuloccaƒionsinthe Cityarehailedwithcr iessuchas,e.g .,‘Hollah, shor tstuff, let’sseeyoumakesomeGoldthen!’ althoug honlyNewcomersdothisbecauseall hereknowwhathappensifyoucallaDwarf ‘shor tstuff’,viz.,youareDead.
Yr.obdt.ser vant,WilliamdeWorde
Healwayslikedtofinishhislettersonahappynote. Hefetchedasheetofboxwood,litanother candle andlaidtheletter facedownonthewood.Aquick rub withthebackofaspoontransferredtheink,and thir tydollarsandenoug hfigstomakeyou reallyill wereas goodasinthebank.
He’ddrop itintoMr Cr ipslocktonig ht, pickup the copiesafter aleisurelylunchtomorrow,andwithany luckshouldhavethemallawaybythemiddleofthe week.
William putonhiscoat,w rappedthewoodblock carefullyinsomewaxed paper andsteppedoutinto thefreezing nig ht.
Theworldismadeup offour elements:Ear th,Air, FireandWater.Thisisafactwellknownevento Corp or alNobbs.It’salsow rong .There’safifth element,and generallyit’scalledSurprise.
For example,thedwarfsfoundouthowtoturnlead into goldbydoing itthehardway.Thedifference betweenthatandtheeasywayisthatthehardway works.
Thedwarfsdwarfhandledtheir overloaded,creaking car talong thestreet, peer ing aheadinfog .Iceformed onthecar tandhung fromtheir beards.
Allitneededwasonefrozen puddle.
GoodoldDameFor tune.Youcan depend onher.
Thefog closedin,making ever ylightadim glowand muffling allsounds.Itwasclear toSergeantColonand CorporalNobbsthatnobarbarianhordewouldbe including theinvasionofAnkh-Morporkintheir travel plansfor thisevening.Thewatchmendidn’tblame them.
Theyclosedthe gates.Thiswasnottheominous activitythatitmightappear,sincethekeyshadbeen lostlong agoandlatecomersusuallythrew gravelatthe windowsofthehousesbuiltontop ofthewalluntil theyfoundafriendtoliftthebar.Itwasassumedthat foreigninvaderswouldn’tknowwhichwindowsto throw gravelat.
Thenthetwowatchmentrailedthroughtheslush andmucktotheWater Gate,bywhichthe river Ankh hadthe goodfortunetoenter thecity.Thewater was invisibleinthedark,buttheoccasional ghostlyshape ofanicefloedrifted pastbelowthe parapet.
‘Hang on,’saidNobby,astheylaidhandsonthe windlassofthe por tcullis.‘There’ssomeonedown there.’
‘Inthe r iver?’saidColon.
Helistened.Therewasthecreakofanoar,far below.
Se rgeantColoncu ppedhishandsaroundhis mouthandissuedthetraditional policeman’scr yof challenge.
‘Oi!You!’
For amomenttherewasnosoundbutthewind andthe gurg ling ofthewater.Thenavoicesaid:‘Yes?’
‘Areyouinvading thecityor what?’
Therewasanotherpause.Then:
‘What?’
‘Whatwhat?’saidColon, raising thestakes.
‘Whatweretheother options?’
‘Don’tmessmeabout...Are you,downtherein theboat, invading this c ity?’
‘No.’
‘Fair enoug h,’saidColon,whoonanig htlikethis wouldhappilytakesomeone’swordfor it.‘Getamove on,then,’coswe’re going todrop the gate.’
After awhilethesplashoftheoars resumedand disappeareddownr iver.
‘You reckonthatwasenoug h,just askin’’em?’said Nobby.
‘Well,theyoug httoknow,’saidColon.
‘Yeah,but—’
‘Itwasatinylittle rowin’boat,Nobby.Ofcourse,if youwantto goallthewaydowntothemniceicysteps onthejetty—’
‘No,Sarge.’
‘Thenlet’s getbacktotheWatchHouse,all r ig ht?’
Williamturnedup hiscollar ashehurriedtowards Cr ipslocktheengraver.Theusuallybusystreetswere deser ted.Onlythose peoplewiththemost pressing businesswereoutofdoors.Itwasturning outtobea ver ynastywinter indeed,a gazpachooffreezing fog , snowandAnkh-Morpork’sever-present,ever-rolling smog .
Hiseyewascaug htbyalittle pooloflig htbythe Watchmakers’Guild.Asmallhunchedfigurewasoutlinedinthe g low.
Hewanderedover.
Ahopelesssor tofvoicesaid,‘Hotsausages?Inna bun?’
‘Mr Dibbler?’saidWilliam. Cut-Me-Own-Th roatDibble r,Ankh-Mo rp o r k’s mostente rpr isin g lyunsuccessfulbusinessman, p ee redatWilliamove r thetop ofhis p o r table sausage-cooking tray.Snowflakeshissedinthecongealing fat.
Williamsig hed.‘You’reoutlate,Mr Dibbler,’hesaid politely.
‘Ah,Mr Word.Timesishardinthehotsausage trade,’saidDibbler.
‘Can’tmakebothendsmeat,eh?’saidWilliam.He couldn’thavestoppedhimselffor ahundreddollars andashiploadoffigs.
‘Definitelyina per iodofslump inthecomestibles market,’saidDibbler,toosunkin g loomtonotice. ‘Don’tseemtofindanyone readytobuyasausagein abunthesedays.’
Williamlookeddownatthetray.IfCut-Me-OwnThroatDibbler wasselling hotsausages,itwasasure
T ERRY P RATCHETT
sig nthatoneofhismoreambitiousenterpr iseshad gonewahoonie-shapedyetagain.Selling hotsausages fromatraywasbywayofbeing the groundstateof Dibbler’sexistence,fromwhichheconstantlysoug ht toextr icatehimselfandbacktowhichheconstantly returnedwhenhislatestventurewentall runny. Whichwasashame,becauseDibble r wasan extremely goodhotsausagesalesman. Hehadtobe, g iventhenatureofhissausages.
‘Ishouldhave gota proper educationlikeyou,’said Dibbler despondently.‘Anicejobindoorswithno heavylifting .Icouldhavefoundmynitch,if’nI’d have gota goodeducation.’
‘Nitch?’
‘Oneofthewizardstoldmeabout’em,’said Dibbler.‘Ever ything’s gotanitch.Youknow.Like: wheretheyoug httobe.Whattheywascutoutfor?’
Williamnodded.Hewas goodwithwords.‘Niche?’ hesaid.
‘Oneofthemthings,yes.’Dibbler sig hed.‘Imissed outonthesemaphore.Justdidn’tseeitcoming .Next thing youknow,ever yone’s gotaclackscompany.Big money.Too r ichfor myblood.Icould’vedoneall r ig htwiththeFung Shooey,thoug h.Sheer bloodybad luckthere.’
‘I’vecertainlyfeltbetter withmychair inadifferent position,’saidWilliam.Thatadvicehadcosthimtwo dollars,along withaninjunctiontokeep theliddown onthe privysothattheDragonofUnhappiness wouldn’tflyup hisbottom.
‘Youwe remyfi r stcustome r andIthank you,’saidDibbler.‘Iwasallsetup,I’d gottheDibbler
wind-chimesandtheDibbler mirrors,itwas gravyall theway–Imean,ever ything was positionedfor maximumharmony,andthen...smack.Badkarma plopsonmeoncemore.’
‘ItwasaweekbeforeMr Passmorewasabletowalk again,thoug h,’saidWilliam.ThecaseofDibbler’s second customer hadbeenver yusefulfor hisnews letter,which rather madeup for thetwodollars.
‘Iwasn’ttoknowthere really is aDragonof Unhappiness,’saidDibbler.
‘Idon’tthinktherewasuntilyouconvincedhim thatoneexists,’saidWilliam.
Dibbler br ig htenedalittle.‘Ah,well,saywhatyou like,I’vealwaysbeen goodatselling ideas.CanIconvinceyouoftheideathatasausageinabuniswhat youdesireatthistime?’
‘Actually,I’ve really gotto getthisalong to—’ Williambegan,andthensaid,‘Didyoujusthear someoneshout?’
‘I’ve gotsomecold pork pies,too,somewhere,’said Dibbler,fe rreting inhist r ay.‘Ican g iveyoua convincing lybargain priceon—’
‘I’msureIheardsomething ,’saidWilliam.
Dibbler cockedanear.‘Sor toflikea rumbling?’he said.
‘Yes.’
Theystaredintotheslowly rolling cloudsthatfilled BroadWay.
Whichbecame,quitesuddenly,ahugetarpaulincoveredcar t,moving unstoppablyandver yfast...
Andthelastthing William remembered,before something flewoutofthenig htandsmackedhim
betweentheeyes,wassomeoneshouting ,‘Stop the press!’
The rumour,having been pinnedtothe pageby William’s penlikeabutterflytoacork,didn’tcometo theearsofsome people,becausetheyhadother, darker thingsontheir mind.
Theirrowboatslidthroug hthehissing watersof the r iver Ankh,whichclosedbehinditslowly.
Twomenwerebentover theoars.Thethirdsatin the pointyend.Occasionallyhespoke.
Hesaidthingslike‘Mynoseitches.’
‘You’lljusthavetowaittillwe getthere,’saidoneof the rowers.
‘Youcouldletmeoutagain.It reallyitches.’
‘Weletyououtwhenwestoppedfor supper.’
‘Itdidn’titchthen.’
Theotherrower said,‘ShallIhithimup alongside the—ing headwiththe—ing oar again,Mr Pin?’
‘Goodidea,Mr Tulip.’
Therewasadullthump inthedarkness.
‘Ow.’
‘Nownomorefuss,fr iend,other wiseMr Tulip will losehistemper.’
‘Too—ingrig ht.’Thentherewasasoundlikean industr ial pump.
‘Hey, goeasyonthatstuff,whydon’tyou?’
‘Ain’t—ing killedmeyet,Mr Pin.’
Theboatoozedtoahaltalongsideatiny,little-used landing stage.Thetallfigurewhohadso recentlybeen thefocusofMr Pin’sattentionwasbundledashore andhustleddownanalley.
Amomentlater therewasthesoundofacarriage rolling awayintothenig ht.
Itwouldseemquiteimpossible,onsuchamucky nig ht,thattherecouldhavebeenanyonetowitness thisscene.
Buttherewas.Theuniverse requiresever ything to beobser ved,lestitceasetoexist.
Afi g u reshuffledoutf romtheshadowsof thealley,closeby.Therewasasmaller shapewobbling uncer tainlybyitsside.
Bothofthemwatchedthedepar ting coachasitdisappearedintothesnow.
Thesmaller ofthetwofiguressaid,‘Well,well,well. There’safing .Manallbundledup andhooded.An interesting fing ,eh?’
Thetaller figurenodded.Itworeahugeold greatcoatseveralsizestoobig ,andafelthatthathadbeen reshapedbytimeandweather intoasoftconethat overhung thewearer’shead.
‘Scraplit,’itsaid.‘Thatchandtrouser,ablewitthe grawneyman.Itold’im.Itold’im.Millenniumhand andshr imp.Bugr it.’
After a pauseit reachedintoits pocketand produced asausage,whichitbrokeintotwo pieces.Onebitdisappearedunder thehat,andtheother wastossedtothe smaller figure,whowasdoing mostofthetalking or,at least,mostofthecoherenttalking.
‘Lookslikeadir tydeedtome,’saidthesmaller figure,whichhadfour legs.
Thesausagewasconsumedinsilence.Thenthe pair setoffintothenig htagain.
Inthesamewaythata pigeoncan’twalkwithout
bobbing itshead,thetaller figureappearedunableto movewithoutasor toflow-key, randommumbling:
‘I told ’em,I told ’em.Millenniumhandand shr imp.Isaid,Isaid,Isaid.Oh,no.Buttheyonly run out,I told ’em.Sod’em.Doorsteps.Isaid,Isaid,I said.Teeth.Wassanameofage,IsaidI told ’em, notmyfault,matterofact,matterofact,standsto reason...’
The rumour didcometohisearslater on,butby thenhewas par tofit.
Asfor Mr PinandMr Tulip,allthatneedbeknown aboutthematthis pointisthattheyarethekindof peoplewhocallyou‘fr iend’.Peoplelikethataren’t fr iendly.
Williamopenedhiseyes.I’ve goneblind,hethoug ht. Thenhemovedtheblanket.
Andthenthe painhithim.
Itwasasharp andinsistentsor tof pain,centred r ig htover theeyes.He reachedupg ingerly.There seemedtobesomebruising andwhatfeltlikeadent intheflesh,ifnotthebone.
Hesatup.Hewasinasloping-ceilinged room.Abit of gr ubbysnowcr ustedthebottomofasmall window.Ap a r tf romthebed,whichwasjusta mattressandblanket,the roomwasunfurnished.
Athump shookthebuilding.Dustdrifteddown fromtheceiling.He gotup,clutching athisforehead, andstaggeredtothedoor.Itopenedintoamuchlarger roomor,moreaccurately,aworkshop.
Another thumprattledhisteeth. Williamtr iedtofocus.
The roomwasfullofdwarfs,toiling over acouple oflong benches.Butatthefar endseveralofthem wereclusteredaroundsomething likeacomplexpiece ofweaving machiner y.
Itwentthump again.
William rubbedhishead.‘What’shappening?’he said.
Thenearestdwarflookedup athimandnudgeda colleagueurgently.Thenudge passeditselfalong the rows,andthe roomwassuddenlyfilledwalltowall withacautioussilence.Adozensolemndwarffaces lookedhardatWilliam.
Noonecanlookharder thanadwarf.Perhapsit’s becausethereisonlyquiteasmallamountofface betweenthestatutor y roundironhelmetandthe beard.Dwarfexpressionsaremore concentrated.
‘Um,’hesaid.‘Hello?’
Oneofthedwarfsinfrontofthebig machinewas thefirsttounfreeze.
‘Backtowork,lads,’hesaid,andcameandlooked Williamsternlyinthe groin.
‘Youall r ig ht,your lordship?’hesaid.
Williamwinced.‘Um...whathappened?’hesaid. ‘I,uh, remember seeing acar t,andthensomething hit...’
‘It ranawayfromus,’saidthedwarf.‘Loadslipped, too.Sorr yaboutthat.’
‘WhathappenedtoMr Dibbler?’
Thedwarf puthisheadononeside.‘Theskinny manwiththesausages?’hesaid.
‘That’s r ig ht.Washehur t?’
‘Idon’tthinkso,’saidthedwarfcarefully.‘Hesold
young Thunderaxeasausageinabun,Idoknowthat.’
Williamthoug htaboutthis.Ankh-Morporkhad manytrapsfor theunwar ynewcomer.
‘Well,then,isMr Thunderaxe all r ig ht?’hesaid.
‘Probably.Heshoutedunder thedoor justnowthat hewasfeeling alotbetter butwouldstaywherehewas for thetimebeing ,’saidthedwarf.He reachedunder abenchandsolemnlyhandedWilliama rectang le w rappedin grubby paper.
‘Yours,Ithink.’
Williamunw r appedhiswoodenblock.Itwas split r ig htacrosswhereawheelofthecar thad runover it,andthew r iting hadbeensmudged.He sig hed.
‘’scuseme,’saidthedwarf,‘butwhatwasitmeantto be?’
‘It’sablock preparedfor awoodcut,’saidWilliam. Hewonderedhowhecould possiblyexplaintheidea toadwa r ff romoutsidethecity.‘Youknow? Engraving?A...asor tofver ynearlymag icalwayof getting lots ofcopiesofw r iting?I’mafraidIshallhave to goandmakeanother onenow.’
Thedwarf gavehimanoddlook,andthentookthe blockfromhimandturneditover andover inhis hands.
‘Yousee,’saidWilliam,‘theengraver cutsawaybits of—’
‘Haveyoustill gottheor ig inal?’saidthedwarf.
‘Pardon?’
‘Theor ig inal,’saidthedwarf patiently.
‘Oh,yes.’William reachedinsidehisjacketand producedit.
‘CanIborrowitfor amoment?’
‘Well,all r ig ht,butIshallneeditagainto—’
Thedwarfscannedtheletter awhile,andthen turnedandhitthenearestdwarfa resounding boing onthehelmet.
‘Ten pointacrossthree,’hesaid,handing himthe paper.Thestruckdwarfnodded,andthenits r ig ht handmovedquicklyacrossthe rackoflittleboxes, selecting things.
‘Ioug httobe getting backsoIcan—’William began.
‘Thiswon’ttakelong,’saidtheheaddwarf.‘Justyou step along thisway,willyou?Thismightbeofinterest toamanofletterssuchasyourself.’
Williamfollowedhimalong theavenueofbusy dwarfstothemachine,whichhadbeenthumping awaysteadily.
‘Oh.It’sanengravingpress,’saidWilliamvaguely.
‘Thisone’sabitdifferent,’saidthedwarf.‘We’ve... modifiedit.’Hetookalargesheetof paper offa pileby the pressand gaveittoWilliam,who read:
T ERRY P RATCHETT
‘Whatdoyouthink?’saidthedwarfshyly.
‘AreyouGunillaGoodmountain?’ ‘Yes.Whatdoyouthink?’
‘We-ell...you’ve gotthelettersniceand regular,I mustsay,’saidWilliam.‘ButIcan’tseewhat’ssonew aboutit. Andyou’vespelled“hither to”w rong .There shouldbeanother hafter thefirstt.You’llhavetocut italloutagainunlessyouwant peopletolaug hat you.’
‘Really?’saidGoodmountain.Henudgedoneofhis colleagues.
‘Just g ivemeaninety-six-pointlower-caseh,will you,Caslong?Thankyou.’
Goodmountainbentover the press, pickedup a s p anne r andbusiedhimselfsomewhe reinthe mechanical g loom.
‘Youmusthavea reallysteadyhandto getthe letterssoneat,’saidWilliam.Hefeltabitsorr ythat he’d pointedoutthemistake.Probablynoonewould havenoticedinanycase.Ankh-Morpork peopleconsideredthatspelling wasasor tofoptionalextra.They believedinitinthesamewaytheybelievedin punctuation;it didn’tmatter whereyou putitsolong asitwasthere.
Thedwarffinishedwhatever arcaneactivityhehad beenengagedin,dabbedwithaninked padatsomething insidethe press,and gotdown.
‘I’msureitwon’t’– thump –‘matter aboutthe spelling ,’saidWilliam.
Goodmountainopenedthe pressagainandwordlesslyhandedWilliamadamp sheetof paper. William readit.
Theextrahwasin place.
‘How—?’hebegan.
‘Thisisaver ynearlymag icalwayof getting lotsof copiesquickly,’saidGoodmountain.Another dwarf appearedathiselbow,holding abig metal rectang le. Itwasfulloflittlemetalletters,backtofront. Goodmountaintookitand gaveWilliamabiggr in.
‘Wanttomakeanychangesbeforewe goto press?’ hesaid.‘Justsaytheword.Acoupleofdozen printsbe enoug h?’
‘Ohdear,’saidWilliam.‘Thisis pr int ing,isn’t it...?’
TheBucketwasatavern,ofsor ts.Therewasno passing trade.Thestreetwasifnotadeadendthen ser iouslywoundedbythearea’schangeinfor tunes. Fewbusinessesfrontedontoit.Itconsistedmainlyof thebackendsofyardsandwarehouses.Nooneeven rememberedwhyitwascalledGleamStreet.There wasnothing ver ysparkling aboutit.
Besides,calling ataverntheBucketwasnota decisiondestinedtofeatureinGreatMar keting DecisionsofHistor y.Itsowner wasMr Cheese,who wasthin,dr yandonlysmiledwhenheheardnewsof someser iousmurder.Traditionallyhehadsoldshor t measurebut,tomakeup for it,hadshor t-changedas well.However,the pubhadbeentakenover bythe CityWatchastheunofficial policemen’s pub,because policemenliketodr inkin placeswherenooneelse goesandtheydon’thavetobe remindedthattheyare policemen.
Thishadbeenabenefitinsomeways.Noteven
licensedthievest r iedto robtheBucketnow. Policemendidn’tliketheir dr inking distur bed.Onthe other hand,Mr Cheesehadnever foundabigger bunchof pettycr iminalsthanthosewear ing the Watchuniform.Hesawmoreduddollarsandstrange piecesofforeig ncurrencycrosshisbar inthefirst monththanhe’dfoundintenyearsinthebusiness.It madeyoudepressed,it reallydid.Butsomeofthe murder descr iptionswerequitefunny.
Hemade par tofhisliving by renting outthe rat’s nestofoldshedsandcellarsthatbackedontothe pub.Theytendedtobeoccupiedver ytemporarilyby thekindofenthusiasticmanufacturer whobelieved thatwhattheworld really, reallyneededtodaywasan inflatabledar tboard.
Butthere was acrowdoutsidetheBucketnow, readin g oneofthesli g htlymis pr inted p oste r s thatGoodmountainhadnailedup onthedoor. GoodmountainfollowedWilliamoutandnailedup thecorrectedversion.
‘Sorr yaboutyour head,’hesaid.‘Lookslikewe madeabitofanimpressiononyou.Havethisoneon thehouse.’
Williamskulkedhome,keeping intheshadowsin casehemetMr Cr ipslock.Buthefoldedhis printed sheetsintotheir envelopesandtookthemdowntothe HubwardGateand gavethemtothemessengers, reflecting ashedidsothathewasdoing thisseveral daysbeforehehadexpectedto.
Themessengers gavehimsomever yoddlooks.
Hewentbacktohislodg ingsandhadalookat himselfinthemirror over thewashbasin.AlargeR,
pr intedinbr uisecolours,occupiedalotofhis forehead.
Hestuckabandageover it.
Andhestillhadeig hteenmorecopies.Asanafterthoug ht,andfeelingrather dar ing ,helookedthroug h hisnotesfor theaddressesofeig hteen prominent citizenswhocould probablyaffordit,w roteashor t cover ing letter toeachoneoffer ing thisser vicefor ... hethoug htfor awhileandthencarefullyw rote‘$5’ ...andfoldedthefreesheetsintoeig hteenenvelopes. Ofcourse,hecouldalwayshaveaskedMr Cr ipslock todomorecopiesaswell,butithadnever seemed r ight. After theoldboyhadspentalldaychipping out thewords,asking himtosullyhiscraftsmanship by making dozensofduplicatesseemeddisrespectful. Butyoudidn’thaveto respectlumpsofmetaland machines.Machinesweren’talive.
That, really,waswherethetroublewas going to star t.Andthere was going tobetrouble.Thedwarfs hadseemedquiteunconcernedwhenhe’dtoldthem howmuchofittherewas going tobe.
Thecoacharrivedatalargehouseinthecity.Adoor wasopened.Adoor wasshut.Another door wasknocked on.Itwasopened.Itshut.Thecarriage pulledaway.
One ground-floorroomwasheavilycur tained,and onlythebarest g leamoflig htfilteredout.Onlythe faintestofnoisesfilteredout,too,butanylistener wouldhaveheardamurmur ofconversationdie down.Thenachair wasknockedover andseveral peopleshouted,allatonce.
‘That is him!’
‘It’satr ick...isn’tit?’
‘I’llbedamned!’
‘Ifit is him,soareweall!’
Thehubbubdiedaway.Andthen,ver ycalmly, someonebegantotalk.
‘Good.Good.Takehimaway, gentlemen.Make himcomfor tableinthecellar.’
Therewerefootsteps.Adoor openedandclosed. Amorequerulousvoicesaid,‘Wecouldsimply replace—’
‘No,wecouldnot.Iunderstandthatourguestis,fortunately,amanof rather lowintelligence.’Therewas thisaboutthefirstspeaker’svoice.Itspokeasifdisagreeing wasnotsimplyunthinkablebutimpossible.It wasusedtobeing inthecompanyoflisteners.
‘Buthelooksthespitandimage—’
‘Yes.Astonishing ,isn’tit?Letusnotovercomplicate matters,thoug h.Weareabodyguardoflies, gentlemen.Weareallthatstandsbetweenthecityand oblivion,soletusmakethisonechancework.Vetinar i maybequitewillin g toseehumansbecomea minor ityintheirgreatestcity,butfranklyhisdeathby assassinationwouldbe...unfor tunate.Itwould causeturmoil,andturmoilishardtosteer.Andweall knowthatthereare peoplewhotaketoomuchofan interest.No.Thereisathirdway.A gentleslidefrom oneconditiontoanother.’
‘Andwhatwillhappentoour newfr iend?’
‘Oh,our employeesareknowntobemenof resource, gentlemen.I’msuretheyknowhowtodeal withamanwhosefacenolonger fits,eh?’
Therewaslaug hter.
Thingswerealittlefraug htinUnseenUniversity.The wizardswerescuttling frombuilding tobuilding , g lancing atthesky.
The problem,ofcourse,wasthefrogs.Not rainsof f ro g s,whichwe reuncommonnowinAnkhMorpork,butspecificallyforeig ntreefrogsfromthe humidjung lesofKlatch.Theyweresmall,br ig htly coloured,happylittlecreatureswhosecretedsomeof thenastiesttoxinsintheworld,whichiswhythejob oflooking after thelargevivar iumwheretheyhappily passedtheir dayswas g iventofirst-year students,on thebasisthatifthey gotthingsw rong therewouldn’t betoomucheducationwasted.
Ver yoccasionallyafrog was removedfromthe vivar iumand putintoa rather smaller jar whereit br ieflybecameaver yhappyfrog indeed,andthen wenttosleep andwokeup inthat greatbig jung lein thesky.
AndthustheUniversity gottheactiveingredient whichitmadeup into pillsandfedtotheBursar,to keep himsane.Atleast, apparently sane,because nothing wasthatsimpleat goodoldUU.Infacthe wasincurablyinsaneandhallucinatedmoreor less continuously,butbya remarkablestrokeoflateral thinking hisfellowwizardshad reasonedthat,inthat case,thewholebusinesscouldbesortedoutifonlythey couldfindaformulathatcausedhimto halluc inate thathewascompletelysane.*
Thishadworkedwell.Therehadbeenafewfalse
*Thisisaver ycommonhallucination,sharedbymost people.
sta r ts.Fo r seve r alhou r s,atone p oint,hehad hallucinatedthathewasabookcase.Butnowhewas permanentlyhallucinating thathewasabursar,and thatalmostmadeup for thesmallside-effectthatalso ledhimtohallucinatethathecouldfly.
Ofcourse,many peopleintheuniversehavealso hadthemisplacedbeliefthattheycansafelyig nore gravity,mostlyafter taking somelocalequivalentof dr iedfrogpills,andthishasledtomuchextrawork for elementar y physicsandcausedbr ieftrafficjamsin thestreetbelow.Whenawizardhallucinatesthathecan fly,thingsaredifferent.
‘Bursaar!Youcomedownhere r ig htthisminute!’
Archchancellor MustrumRidcullybarkedthroug hhis megaphone.‘YouknowwhatIsaidabout goin’hig her thanthewalls!’
TheBursar floated gentlydowntowardsthelawn. ‘Youwantedme,Archchancellor?’
Ridcullywaveda pieceof paper athim.‘You weretellin’metheother daywewerespendin’a tonofmoneywiththeengravers,weren’tyou?’he barked.
TheBu r sa rg othismindu p tosomethin g approaching thecorrectspeed.‘Iwas?’hesaid.
‘B reakin’thebud g et,yousaid.Remembe r it distinctly.’
Afewcogsmeshedinthejitter y gear box ofthe Bursar’sbr ain.‘Oh.Yes.Yes.Ver ytrue,’hesaid. Anothergear clonkedinto place.‘Afor tuneever yyear, I’mafraid.TheGuildofEngravers—’
‘Cha p he resays,’theArchchancello rg lanced atthesheet,‘hecandoustencop iesofa
thousandwordseachfor adollar.Isthatcheap?’
‘Ithink, uh,theremustbeamis-car ving there, Archchancellor,’saidtheBursar,finallymanag ing to gethisvoiceintothesmoothandsoothing toneshe foundbestindealing withRidcully.‘Thatsumwould notkeep himinboxwood.’
‘Sayshere’– rustle–‘downtoten-pointsize,’said Ridcully.
TheBursar lostcontrolfor amoment.‘Ridiculous!’
‘What?’
‘Sorr y,Archchancellor.Imean,thatcan’tbe r ig ht. Evenifanyonecouldconsistentlycar vethatfine,the woodwouldcrumbleafter acoupleofimpressions.’
‘Knowaboutthissor tofthing ,doyou?’
‘Well,my great-unclewasanen gr ave r,Archchancellor.Andthe printbillisamajor drain,asyou know.IthinkIcansaywithsomejustification thatIhavebeenabletokeep theGuilddowntoa very—’
‘Don’ttheyinviteyoutotheir annualblow-out?’
‘Well,asamajor customer ofcoursetheUniversity isinvitedtotheir officialdinner andasthedesig nated officer Inaturallyseeitas par tofmydutiesto—’
‘Fifteencourses,Iheard.’
‘—andofcoursethereisourpolicyofmaintaining afr iendly relationship withtheother Gui—’
‘Not including thenutsandcoffee.’
TheBursar hesitated.TheArchchancellor tendedto combinewooden-headedstupiditywithdistressing insig ht.
‘The problem,Archchancellor,’hetr ied,‘isthat wehavealwaysbeen verymuch a g ainstusin g
movabletype printing for magic purposesbecause—’
‘Yes,yes,Iknowallabout that ,’saidthe Archchancellor.‘Butthere’salltheother stuff,moreof itever yday...formsandchar tsand godsknowwhat. YouknowI’vealwayswanteda paperlessoffice—’
‘Yes,Archchancellor,that’swhyyouhideitallin cupboardsandthrowitoutofthewindowatnig ht.’
‘Cleandesk,cleanmind,’saidtheArchchancellor. HethrusttheleafletintotheBursar’shand.
‘Justyoutrotdownthere,whydon’tyou,andseeif it’sjustalotofhotair.Butwalk, please.’
Williamfeltdrawnbacktotheshedsbehindthe Bucketthenextday.Apar tfromanything else,hehad nothing todoandhedidn’tlikebeing useless.
Thereare,ithasbeensaid,twoty pesof peoplein theworld.Therearethosewho,when presentedwith a g lassthatisexactlyhalf full,say:this g lassishalffull.
Andthentherearethosewhosay:this g lassishalf empty.
Theworld belongs,however,tothosewhocanlook atthe g lassandsay:What’sup withthis g lass?Excuse me?Excuse me ? This ismy g lass?Idon’t think so. My g lasswasfull! And itwasabiggerg lass!
Andattheother endofthebar theworldisfullof theother ty peof person,whohasabroken g lass,or a g lassthathasbeencarelesslyknockedover (usuallyby oneofthe peoplecalling for alargerg lass),or who hadno g lassatall,becausetheywereatthebackofthe crowdandhadfailedtocatchthebarman’seye.
Williamwasoneofthe g lassless.Andthiswasodd, becausehe’dbeenbornintoafamilythatnotonly
hadaver ylarge g lassindeedbutcouldaffordtohave peoplediscreetlystanding aroundwithbottlestokeep itfilledup.
Itwasself-imposed g lasslessness,andithadstar ted atafairlyearlyagewhenhe’dbeensentawayto school.
William’sbrother Ruper t,being theelder,had gone totheAssassins’SchoolinAnkh-Morpork,widely regardedasbeing thebestschoolintheworldfor the full-g lassclass.William,asaless-impor tantson,had beensenttoHugg lestones,aboarding schoolsobleak andspar tanthatonlytheupperg lasseswoulddream ofsending their sonsthere.
Hugg lestoneswasa granitebuilding ona rainsoakedmoor,anditsstated purposewastomakemen fromboys.The policyemployedinvolvedacer tain amountofwasta g e,andconsistedinWilliam’s recollectionatleastofver ysimpleandviolent games inthehealthyoutdoor sleet.Thesmall,slow,fator me relyun p o p ula r we remowndown,asnatu re intended,butnaturalselectionoperatesinmanyways andWilliamfoundthathehadacer taincapacityfor sur vival.A goodwaytosur viveonthe playing fields ofHugg lestoneswasto runver yfastandshoutalot whileinexplicablyalwaysbeing along wayfromthe ball.Thishadearnedhim,oddlyenoug h,a reputation for being keen,andkeennesswashig hly prizedat Hugg lestones,ifonlybecauseactualachievementwas so rare.ThestaffatHugglestonesbelievedthatin sufficientquantities‘being keen’couldtakethe place oflesser attr ibuteslikeintelligence,foresig htand training .
T ERRY P RATCHETT
He had beentrulykeenonanything involving words.AtHugg lestonesthishadnotcountedfor a greatdeal,sincemostofits graduatesnever expected tohavetodomuchmorewitha penthansig ntheir names(afeatwhichmostofthemcouldmanageafter threeor four years),butithadmeantlong mornings peacefully reading anything thattookhisfancywhile aroundhimthehulking front-rowfor wardswho wouldonedaybeatleastthedeputy-leadersofthe landlearnedhowtoholda penwithoutcrushing it.
Williamleftwitha good report,whichtendedtobe thecasewith pupilsthatmostoftheteacherscould onlyvaguely remember.Afterwards,hisfather had facedthe problemofwhattodowithhim.
Hewastheyounger son,andfamilytraditionsent youngestsonsintosomechurchor other,wherethey couldn’tdomuchharmona physicallevel.Buttoo much reading hadtakenitstoll.Williamfoundthat henowthoug htof prayer asasophisticatedwayof pleading withthunderstorms.
Goin g intolandmana g ementwasjustabout acceptable,butitseemedtoWilliamthatlandmanageditself prettywell,onthewhole.Hewasallin favour ofthecountr yside, providedthatitwasonthe other sideofawindow.
Amilitar ycareer somewherewasunlikely.William hada rootedobjectiontokillingpeoplehedidn’t know.
Heenjoyed reading andw r iting .He liked words. Wordsdidn’tshoutor makeloudnoises,which pretty muchdefinedthe restofhisfamily.Theydidn’t involve getting muddyinthefreezing cold.They
didn’thuntinoffensiveanimals,either.Theydidwhat hetoldthemto.So,he’dsaid,hewantedtow r ite.
Hisfather haderupted.Inhis personalworlda scr ibewasonlyonestep hig her thanateacher.Good gods,man,theydidn’teven r ideahorse!Sotherehad beenWords.
Asa result,Williamhad g oneofftoAnkhMorpork,theusualdestinationfor thelostandthe aimless.Therehe’dmadewordshisliving ,inaquiet sor tofway,andconsideredthathe’d gotoffeasily comparedtobrother Ruper t,whowasbig and good naturedandaHugg lestonesnaturalapar tfromthe accidentofbir th.
Andthentherehadbeenthewar againstKlatch... Itwasaninsig nificantwar,whichwasover beforeit star ted,thekindofwar thatbothsides pretended hadn’t reallyhappened,butoneofthethingsthatdid happeninthefewconfuseddaysofw retchedturmoil wasthedeathofRuper tdeWorde.Hehaddiedfor his beliefs;chiefamong themwasthever yHugglestonian onethatbraver ycould replacearmour,andthat Klatchianswouldturnand runifyoushoutedloud enoug h.
William’sfather,dur ing their lastmeeting ,had goneonatsomelengthaboutthe proudandnoble t r aditionsofthedeWo rdes.Thesehadmostly involvedunpleasantdeaths, preferablyofforeig ners, butsomehow,William gathered,thedeWordeshad alwaysconsideredthatitwasadecentsecond prizeto diethemselves.AdeWordewasalwaystothefore whenthecitycalled.Thatwaswhythey ex isted. Wasn’tthefamilymotto LeMotJuste?TheRig htWord
InTheRig htPlace,saidLorddeWorde.Hesimply couldnotunderstandwhyWilliamdidnotwantto embracethisfinetraditionandhedealtwithit,inthe manner ofhiskind,bynotdealing withit.
Andnowa greatfr ig idsilencehaddescended betweenthedeWordesthatmadethewinter chill seemlikeasauna.
Inthis g loomyframeofminditwas positively cheer ing towander intothe print roomtofind theBu r sa r a rg uin g thetheo r yofwo rdswith Goodmountain.
‘Holdon,holdon,’saidtheBursar.‘Yes,indeed, figuratively awordismadeup ofindividuallettersbut theyhaveonlya,’hewavedhislong fingers gracefully, ‘theoretical existence,ifImay putitthatway.They are,asitwere,words partis inpotentia,anditis,Iam afraid,unsophisticatedintheextremetoimag inethat theyhaveany real existence unisetseparato.Indeed, thever yconceptoflettershaving their own physical ex istenceis, p hilosop hically,ex t remelyworr yin g . Indeed,itwouldbelikenosesandfingers running aroundtheworldallbythemselves—’
That’sth ree‘indeeds’,thou g htWilliam,who noticedthingslikethat.Threeindeedsusedbya p e r soninoneb r iefs p eech g ene r allymeantan internalspring wasabouttobreak.
‘We gotwholeboxesofletters,’saidGoodmountain flatly.‘Wecanmakeanywordsyouwant.’
‘That’sthet rouble,yousee,’saidtheBu r sa r. ‘Supposing themetal remembersthewordsithas printed?Atleastengraversmeltdowntheirplates,and thecleansing effectoffirewill—’
‘’scuseme,yourreverence,’saidGoodmountain. Oneofthedwarfshadtappedhim gentlyonthe shoulder andhandedhimasquareof paper.He passeditup totheBursar.
‘Young Caslong herethoug htyoumig htlikethisas asouvenir,’hesaid.‘Hetookitdowndirectlyfromthe caseand pulleditoffonthestone.He’sver yquicklike that.’
TheBursar tr iedtolooktheyoung dwarfsternlyup anddown,althou g hthiswasa pretty p ointless intimidator ytactictouseondwarfssincetheyhad ver ylittleup tolookdownfrom.
‘Really?’hesaid.‘Howver y...’Hiseyesscanned the paper.
Andthenbulged.
‘Buttheseare...whenIsaid...Ionlyjustsaid... HowdidyouknowIwas going tosay...Imean,my actualwords...’hestuttered.
‘Ofcoursethey’renot properlyjustified,’said Goodmountain.
‘Nowjusta moment—’theBursar began.
Williamleftthemtoit.Thestonehecouldwork out–eventheengraversusedabig flatstoneasa workbench.Andhe’dseendwarfs pullingpaper sheets offthemetalletters,sothatmadesense,too.And whattheBursar said had beenunjustified.Itwasn’tas ifmetalhadasoul.
Helookedover theheadofadwarfwhowasbusily assembling lettersinalittlemetalhod,thestubby fingersdar ting frombox tobox inthebig trayofty pe infrontofhim.Capitallettersallinthetop,small lettersallinthebottom.Itwaseven possibleto
getanideaofwhatthedwarfwasassembling,justby watching themovementsofhishandsacrossthe tray.
‘M-a-k-e-$-$-$-I-n-n-Y-o-u-r-e-S-p-a-r-e-T-y-m—’ hemurmured.
Acer taintyformed.He g lanceddownatthesheets of grubby paper besidethetray.
Theywe recove redwiththedenses p iky handw r iting thatidentifieditsowner asananalretentivewitha poorgr ip.
TherewerenofliesonC.M.O.T.Dibbler.Hewould havechargedthem rent.
Withbarelyaconsciousthoug ht,William pulled outhisnotebook,lickedhis pencilandw rote,ver y carefully,inhis privateshor thand:
‘Amzg sceneshvocrdintheCtwiththeOpeng ot Pr nt g En g nattheS g notBucketbyG. Goodmountain,Dwf,whichhscausdmchintereƒt amng all pr tsinc.chfsofcommerƒe.’
He paused.Theconversationattheother endofthe roomwasdefinitelytaking amoreconciliator yturn.
‘How muchathousand?’saidtheBursar.
‘Evencheaper for bulk rates,’saidGoodmountain. ‘Small runsno problem.’
TheBursar’sfacehadthatwarm g lazeofsomeone whodealsinnumbersandcanseeonehugeand inconvenientnumbergetting smaller inthever ynear future,andinthosecircumstances philosophydoesn’t standmuchofachance.Andwhatwasvisibleof Goodmountain’sfacehadthecheerfulscowlofsomeonewho’sworkedouthowtoturnleadintostillmore gold.
‘Well,ofcourse,acontractofthissizewouldhave tobe ratifiedbytheArchchancellor himself,’saidthe Bursar,‘butIcanassureyouthathe listensverycarefully toever ything Isay.’
‘I’msurehedoes,your lordship,’saidGoodmountaincheerfully.
‘Uh,bytheway,’saidtheBursar,‘doyou people haveanAnnualDinner?’
‘Oh,yes.Definitely,’saidthedwarf. ‘Whenisit?’
‘Whenwouldyoulikeit?’
Williamscr ibbled:‘Mchbusinƒssmsliklywtha Cer tainEducationalBodyintCt,’andthen,because hehadatrulyhonestnature,headded,‘wehear.’
Well,thatwas pretty good going .He’d gotone letter awayonlythismorning andalreadyhehadan impor tantnotefor thenext—
—except,ofcourse,thecustomersweren’texpecting another onefor almostamonth.Hehadacer tain feeling thatbythennoonewouldbever yinterested. Onthe other hand,ifhe didn’t tellthemaboutit, someonewouldbeboundtocomplain.Therehad beenallthattroublewiththe rainofdogsinTreacle MineRoadlastyear,anditwasn’tasifthathadeven happened.
Butevenifhe gotthedwarfstomakethety pe really big ,oneitemof gossip wasn’t going to gover yfar. Blast.
He’dhavetoscuttlearoundabitandfindsome more.
Onanimpulsehewanderedover tothedepar ting Bursar.