COECT EXCLUSIVE MAGAZINE
T.I.Ps
Trauma Informed Parents ISSUE No.17 September 2025
IN THIS ISSUE: "THROWING WATER ON THE FLAMES NOT THE SMOKE ALARM" Understanding Behaviour as a mode of communication
From Surviving to Connecting: New Approach to Challenging Behaviour
Regulate from the Inside Out: Nutritional Approaches to Support Nervous System Regulation
Evenings on edge Supporting Children When Safety Looks Like Rage
Photo: ©Coect
Meet the Team! Executive Editor - Sarah Naish
Executive Editor - Sair Penna
Managing Editor - Kathryn Talbot
Contributor - Jessica Spenceley Jessica is a therapeutic social worker with over 20 years of experience helping adoptive parents navigate their parenting journeys using the attachment-based, trauma-informed parenting approach of TBRI®.
Sarah is a Therapeutic Parent, an Adopter of five siblings, Best selling international Author, Keynote Speaker and founder of three Independent Therapeutic Fostering Agencies. Sarah is also and cofounder and CEO at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C.I.C.
Kathryn is co-founder and managing editor of the TIPs magazine, at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C.I.C specialising in public relations.
Contributor - Gareth Thomas Gareth is a Kinship Carer to three children, and has volunteered with children for fifteen years. He hosts and produces the new CoECT Podcast series "Trauma Talks". Gareth is also a Senior Trainer, Ambassador for Wales and Director of Strategy and Communications at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C.I.C. Contributor - Dave Edwards Dave is a Conflict Management & Point-of-Impact Crisis Intervention Trainer. He works within Family Services specialising in enabling parents with the knowledge and implementation of de-escalation strategies, and supports parents and agencies in cases of child on parent violent.
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Sair (Sarah) is a Therapeutic Parent, Author, Parent Coach and Havening practitioner. Sair is also co-founder and Director of Training, Qualifications & Quality at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C.I.C
Contributor - Laura Taylor
Laura Taylor is an independent Social Worker, Trauma Informed and Responsive Trainer, Practice Educator, Author and Key Note Speaker. You may have seen Laura in some of our training and webinars as she regularly supports COECT with our busy training schedule.
Contributor Sarah Hanratty Sarah is a Clinical Nutritionist specialising in the gut–brain connection and supporting mental and physical wellbeing. She works with children and adults to restore balance, build resilience, and thrive.
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TRAUMA-INFORMED PARENTS
CONTENTS 4 Throwing water on the flames not the smoke alarm: Understanding Behaviour as a mode of communication
6 From Surviving to Connecting: A New Approach to Challenging Behaviour
20 Regulate from the Inside Out: Nutritional Approaches to Support Nervous System Regulation.
3 Editor's Note 9 Evenings on Edge: Supporting Children When Safety Looks Like Rage 12 Time Out: Take Five minutes to yourself
15 Practising with Insight: A Level 4 Qualification in TraumaInformed Practice
17 -18 UPCOMING EVENTS CoECT Training, Workshops & Events Schedule 2025/2026
19 Ask the Experts
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From its beginnings as a Therapeutic Parenting Group on Facebook a decade ago, we have evolved into a Community Interest Company dedicated to supporting parents of children who have faced early life trauma and display neurodiverse charachteristics. This edition focuses on The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C.I.C.
Editor’s Note Hello Everyone, Welcome to the September edition of TIPS magazine! Can you believe it’s already that time of year again, that the summer holidays may seem a distant memory and school has started for those who attend. We are also now on our 17th edition of TIPS! As we transition into from Summer to Autumn, many of us are gearing up to survive the hustle and bustle of school and work life, which can sometimes lead to feelings of overwhelm, especially for parents. In this edition, we’ll also explore how to interrupt parental compassion fatigue, helping parents find balance and support during the busy weeks ahead. In this issue, we’re excited to explore the theme of behaviour as a mode of communication. It’s fascinating how our actions can speak volumes, often telling stories that words can’t quite capture, and this is similar for our children. Often their behaviours tell their story when their words cannot. We also have an article on the new Level 4 Trauma-Informed Practitioner Diploma has just launched. This customised qualification, which is independently accredited with NCFE CACHE and ACCPH, is a fantastic opportunity for those looking to deepen their understanding and skills in supporting individuals who have experienced trauma. Whether you’re just starting out in social care or you’ve been in the sector for a while, the diploma is sure to be a valuable addition to your toolkit.
As always, we would love to hear from you. Do get in contact with us by emailing tips@coect.co.uk. Warmest wishes Sair, Sarah & The Team at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C.I.C
Sair Penna Executive Editor
Kathryn Talbot Managing Editor
TIPs Magazine
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"Throwing water on the flames not the smoke alarm" Written By Gareth Thomas During my childhood, the smoke alarm seemed a regular soundtrack to daily life. The mere thought of popping some sliced bread into the toaster appeared enough to set it off. These days, we rarely hear that dreaded sound. So what happens if we hear the sound now? Our first thought should be “fire”. This seems logical enough to be unworthy of a mention. The smoke alarm sounds, so we check (through our various senses) to see if there is a fire. If we find one, we have some important decisions to make. Get everyone to safety, attempt to put out the fire, and/or call emergency services. What we wouldn’t do is throw water on the smoke alarm. And yet, this is precisely what we often do when it comes to behaviour. Behaviour is the best (and sometimes, only) form of communication available to children with early life trauma. Their actions are the siren from the alarm. Just like the alarm, they alert us to something else that’s going on, and yet the temptation is to address the behaviour, and not what lies beneath.
Pouring water on the alarm isn’t just a bad idea; it makes things much worse. The fire keeps burning. Why do we respond to the behaviour and not the need? An important factor is social influence. Our default parenting style is heavily influenced by how we were parented and the broader societal expectations of how we should parent. For those observing a
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child “misbehaving” in a supermarket, it would seem a perfectly logical response for their parent to shout at the child, perhaps with a few threats added in for good measure (“If you don’t stop this, we won’t be going to the playground on the way home.”). We can discuss at length why this approach doesn’t work. Still, we first need to acknowledge how this parenting style is socially acceptable and how a different approach may attract a significant volume of disapproving looks and comments. How do we respond to the need? For our child in the supermarket, their shouting and screaming is their smoke alarm sounding. It’s our job, as therapeutic parents, to identify what’s triggering the alarm. They could be small sparks (a slight change in the usual routine, concerns around what time lunch will be today, etc.) or some bigger flames (a memory of earlier abuse, fears around visiting someone who harmed them in the past, etc.). Accepting and validating how they feel is a great place to start. Our children have Internal Working Models that convince them they’re not worthy of acceptance or validation. They believe they aren’t allowed big feelings. We can do this while also making it clear what behaviour is acceptable.
“I can see that you’re finding this tough at the moment. I’m here for you, but it’s not OK for you to hit your sister, and that needs to stop now.” Our children want to be seen and understood, but they don’t receive that unless they feel safe. Our most vital job as parents is keeping children safe, but a very close second is helping children feel safe. The two are linked, but not the same. Next, we need to accept that children with early-life trauma often need some help with their thinking. We know they may have an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex (where logical thought and decision-making happen), and that even this underdeveloped brain area will be offline during moments of distress. Telling our children to “sit there and think about what you’ve done” isn’t going to help. Instead, we do some thinking with and for them. “You’ve got a big day coming up tomorrow, and I think you’re worrying about how it will go.” This requires some attunement (not always easy in the middle of a supermarket). We’re making an educated guess about what our child is thinking. They may not even be fully aware of what’s unsettling them, but they know something isn’t right. And so this can come as a shock to them. It’s not unusual to be told we’re wrong (along with a few other choice
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words), and it’s our job to decide if we’re wrong or if we’re right, but it’s a lot to take in. Now we’re getting somewhere. We’ve validated and accepted how they feel, and we’ve done some thinking with/for them. We can start to offer some solutions. The timing for this needs to be right, and (sticking with our supermarket example), a more appropriate time for further discussion might be the drive home or after lunch. Whenever it’s done, this job becomes significantly easier and substantially more effective now that we know what’s causing the smoke alarm to beep. "I’ve been thinking that, with tomorrow being a big day, you might be worried I won’t be there if you need me. I’ve decided I’ll take a book and sit in the car while you’re there. If you need me during the hour, I’ll be right outside.”
Photo: ©COECT via Canva
At every step, we’re balancing huge waves of empathy with clear signs of safety.
This is how we throw water on the flames, and not the smoke alarm.
Understanding behaviour as a mode of communication Join us to develop the skills to interpret behaviour through a trauma-informed lens and respond with empathy, insight, and effective strategies. For: Social Workers, Therapists, Children's Support workers, and family support workers. Cost: £120 per person plus VAT Next Training date: Tuesday 21st October, Cardiff, 10 am - 3 pm
Photo: ©JSpenceley
From Surviving to Connecting: A New Approach to Challenging Behaviour Written By Jessica Spenceley When adoptive parents reach out to me, it’s usually because they’re struggling to manage their child’s behaviours. Not listening. Explosive reactions. Swearing. Meltdowns that seem to come out of nowhere. Parents have already tried everything they can think of – rewards, consequences, stricter routines, taking parenting advice from friends and family – but nothing seems to stick. It’s exhausting, discouraging, and lonely That’s where Trust-Based Relational Intervention® (TBRI®) comes in. TBRI is a traumainformed parenting approach that helps you move beyond behaviour management into something deeper: building lasting connection, meeting your child’s holistic needs, and guiding behaviour through compassion rather than fear or control. At its core, TBRI is about helping your child heal from early trauma, and the greatest source of that healing is you. But how do you build those healing connections when you’re constantly in correction mode, just trying to get through the day? TBRI helps make connection possible even in the hardest moments, and ISSUE 17
these practical steps can show you how.
Step Two: Focus on Connection Before Correction Feelings
Step One: Shift Your Perspective
TBRI teaches that connection is the foundation of parenting. It’s the starting point, not the reward for good behaviour.
The first step is reframing how you see your child’s behaviour. When you’re exhausted and triggered, it’s easy to interpret your child’s actions as wilful, disrespectful, or manipulative. But for children who have experienced trauma, behaviours are rarely what they seem on the surface. Instead of asking “How do I stop this behaviour?”, try asking “What is this behaviour trying to tell me?” When the parents I work with begin to reflect this way, they often discover that underneath their child’s big behaviours are big feelings: rejection, grief, jealousy, fear. These insights don’t excuse the behaviour, but they do change the way you approach it. How you respond to grief is very different to how you respond to
When your child is dysregulated, your connection is what helps bring them back to a place of safety. You can do this through eye contact, a warm tone of voice, a gentle touch (if welcomed), shared laughter, or simply sitting close and staying present. Offering connection may feel counterintuitive, or even permissive, especially when your child is shouting at you or throwing things. However, showing your child that even in hard moments, you are safe, consistent, and emotionally available builds trust – something many adopted children deeply need, but struggle to access.
intentional disrespect.
Step Three: Meet Needs Proactively
This shift doesn’t just lead to more empathy – it leads to more effective parenting.
Many challenging behaviours are driven by unmet needs: physical, emotional, sensory, or relational. T.I.P'S MAGAZINE
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TBRI encourages you to meet those needs proactively, rather than reacting to the fallout when things go wrong. Some examples: Physical needs: Is your child tired, hungry, or overstimulated? A quick snack or movement break can go a long way. Emotional needs: Has something triggered old feelings of rejection or loss? Your steady presence and empathy help re-regulate. Relational needs: Is your child seeking attention? Intentional one-on-one time, even ten minutes of child-led play or general playfulness, can build security and reduce the need for “acting out.” By anticipating and meeting needs, you can often prevent the behaviours before they start. Step Four: Offer Gentle Guidance When correction is needed, TBRI offers strategies that are firm, clear,
and kind. Discipline isn’t about punishment – it’s about teaching. And teaching is most effective when it happens in the context of a trusted relationship. Instead of “You need to calm down or you’re going to your room,” try, “Let’s take a few deep breaths together. I’m here to help.”
And that relationship starts with you.
Boundaries are important, but how you hold them matters. A Final Thought If you’re parenting under difficult circumstances, know that you’re not alone, and you’re not doing it wrong. Parenting a child with a history of trauma is complicated. And when the traditional approaches don’t work, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you need a different framework. TBRI offers you that framework, along with a lot of hope. Because every time you choose curiosity
Managing Challenging and Violent Behaviour at Home 2 Day Workshop for Parents & Carers Is the child or young person in your care showing signs of frustration and anger, manifesting as aggression and violence towards you and other family members?
Next Date: 18th & 19th November, 10- 4 pm Cardiff
Image: ©COECT via Canva
We can provide you with effective de-escalation tools to help support them during their emotional challenges.
Find out more about this Training https://tinyurl.com/mnya3t5j or scan the QR code
over control, connection over correction, and compassion over frustration, you’re helping your child rewire their brain, restore trust, and experience the kind of healing only a safe relationship can offer.
Jessica is the founder of Nurtured Belonging, where she helps adoptive parents understand their child’s behaviour through a traumainformed lens, build stronger connections, and support healing. To learn more about TBRI or connect with Jessica, visit https://nurturedbelonging.com/
Enhance
Your Skills The Behaviour Assessment of Impact and Resolution Tool (BAIRT)
Professional Training for Career Growth Are you a social worker, therapist, or a skilled therapeutic parent looking to enhance your skills in therapeutic parenting and fostering?
Tuesday 14th October 2025 10:00 am - 3:00 pm Via Zoom
Join Sarah Naish for an insightful and interactive BAIRT Training Day!
£120 plus VAT What is the BAIRT? To book a place contact us info@coect.co.uk or follow link below: https://tinyurl.com/sccb9759
01453 519000
The Behaviour Assessment of Impact and Resolution Tool (BAIRT) is a groundbreaking interactive assessment tool designed to identify and address issues that may impact the stability of families and children. This training will equip you with the knowledge and skills to use BAIRT effectively, ensuring better outcomes for the children and families you support.
Evenings on Edge: Supporting Children When Safety Looks Like Rage Written By Dave Edwards We may have all encountered the scenario when the school day ends and we experience a tidal wave of negative emotion from our children. Whether we collect them from school or they come in the door and we ask, ‘how their day has been’ and from nowhere it feels like we have stepped on a land mine. This may be in the form of abusive and aggressive language, their bags thrown on the floor and on bad days violence towards us. The alternative response can be equally as negative in the form of blanking us completely and retreating to their room and a refusal to engage in any
strategies that hopefully we have
function when memories are created.
been able to.
This includes the other areas of the body and the nervous system.
This means that their reactions tend to be instinctive and can feel very
Children who have suffered trauma
personal for us when trying to deal
may lose the ability to build an
with this. They may have basic unmet
accurate narrative about incidents that
needs caused by events during the
makes sense. Trauma impacts short
day that mean they are hungry,
term or working memory and the ability
dehydrated or emotionally drained
to remember instructions and
from trying to mask their difficulties.
understanding what is required, and this then causes repeated perceived
This could be falling out with their
difficulties and weaknesses, that feed
friends, being told off or embarrassed
our natural negative bias when
by a teacher, or a perceived failure
reviewing events.
on their part judged against an unrealistic expectation of themselves.
We need to be aware of, or think about,
Some children use education to
the possible reasons for their emotional
make themselves feel better, or cover
state when we are preparing to
over other areas that they don’t feel
welcome them home. This could
comfortable in. When this is
involve knowing their timetable, days
challenged, they do not know how to
and teachers that give them the most
relationships.
deal with the feelings of failure. This
homework, or if they have any
can result in fear that we may think
upcoming tests in their weaker
When we are feeling stressed or
less of them and rather than admit
subjects.
communication. To understand why they react in this way it is important to know what is going on with their emotions and responses to stressful situations, peer pressure and developing positive
under pressure it inhibits our ability to think logically, and our actions are predominantly based on an emotional response. We may misinterpret body language, tone of voice and lack of eye contact as disrespect or rudeness. This is even more evident with our children, who’s brains and nervous systems are still in the developing stage, and have not yet developed the coping
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this fear, which they find really tricky, they provide us with a clear and
Recognising these stressful factors can
obvious reason to be cross with them
allow us to prepare more effectively to
and therefore avoid having to share
be emotionally available and have
difficult or uncomfortable
preplanned strategies and activities, to
information.
reduce the possible negative outcomes after school.
When we have negative experiences, it creates trauma memories that
All violent behaviour comes from fear-
enable us to respond better next
based responses and a breakdown in
time. Trauma effects brain
our children’s ability to
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communicate their needs in that
Let them come to you if they have
Be flexible if you can and allow
moment.
had any issues during the day and
yourself time to process the days
give them your whole attention
events that your child has had. If it
When dealing with aggression and
whilst they share the information.
is appropriate, ask them to help
violence we need to use the
This is huge for a child to share their
you to allow more connection
PARENTS process to deal with it
most personal feelings and fears,
and opportunity to talk through
empathically and effectively,
and we should take it as a massive
events.
explained clearly in the A-Z of
compliment when they do so.
Therapeutic Parenting by Sarah Naish.
If you have siblings try to find Allow time for the transition back
time to check in with each child
into the home before putting any
after school. Explain the
INCIDENT
expectations on your child if
importance of this as a family so
Pause – Breathe – respond
possible. Check their emotional
everyone knows what you are
consciously not emotionally, step
state with simple questions to
going to do and why.
back mentally and physically
ensure they are ok. This does not
Assess - Is there any immediate
include ‘how was your day?’ which
These strategies will not always
danger to anyone or likely serious
from experience is the most likely
be possible, but the more
damage?
way to cause a meltdown. Start with
prepared we can be when our
Reflect – Triggers, what is
phrases like ‘I’m really glad your
children come home from school
happening? Where is the child
home’, ‘it’s nice to see you’.
the more relaxed and emotionally available we will be, which is
coming from? Empathise – Express empathy for
Manage expectations for yourself
unconsciously transmitted to our
the difficulty the child is
and your child. It may not be
children who react accordingly.
experiencing. Wonder aloud
possible to get tea at the normal
Nurture – Offer nurture, touch or
time or finish off that last work task.
parental presence, a drink etc. Think – What other strategies might resolve this? Is there a natural consequence? Can I name the need? What can I change to avoid this happening in the future? Self-care – What can I do to make myself feel better? Need to recover in order to reconnect with my child RESOLUTION Strategies for avoiding meltdowns using this method – Meet underlying unmet needs – Have snacks available to deal with hunger if they have missed lunch due to events. Have a drink available to hydrate them, preferably not a sugary drink. Have activities planned for when they get home to allow a smooth transition back into the home. Tell your children what they are in advance to avoid anxiety. Photo: ©COECT via Canva
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