THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
October 27, 2021
“There’s a heart beneath the boobs, and a brain beneath the wig.” - Elvira, Mistress of the Dark
Volume XXVIII Issue II
Now with 14 percent more asbestos!
Breaking News: Animal Spotted in Local Forest
IN THIS ISSUE GIRLS WITH CRYSTALS REIGNITE SALEM WITCH TRIALS
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RA BUSTING PARTY ACTUALLY BUSTS LECTURE
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OH NO! THE MQ IS IN A HORROR MOVIE
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EMILY QUEUE: HALLOWEEN EDITION
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POST-IT ART RESULTS IN STOP AND FRISK POLICIES
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NEWS IN BRIEF PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA
“It’s like a Pokémon... but real,” explained Buttage. BY JOHN OVERTON
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Staff Writer
ate on Thursday night, UCSD sophomore Peter Buttage noticed an unidentified animal in a eucalyptus grove near Geisel Library. “I don’t know man, it could’ve been, like, a squirrel, or Bigfoot, or something,” elaborated Buttage. For Buttage, a computer science major, the sighting was awe-inspiring. “It was crazy, bro — I thought I was in like Narnia or something,” said Buttage. “I’ve only ever seen animals on the Discovery Channel. It was moving out from behind a tree, and then it noticed me and flew away. I didn’t know coyotes could do that.” Immediately following Buttage’s “ludicrous” incident, hundreds of similar animal
sightings began flowing in at an alarming rate. One of the witnesses was fourth-year Sophie Green, who reported, “Yeah, I saw a lizard run across the road when I was walking to my dorm after class. It was weird, ‘cause, like, I live here! Not you, lizard!” Another report came from 46-year-old La Jolla resident Chelsea Brents: “I was on a hike, and I saw a bobcat. I was really scared, because you don’t usually see animals unless you’re in a zoo — that’s what zoos are for, right?” For Brents, this was cause for great concern, prompting her to post her story on the La Jolla chapter of Nextdoor. Brents’ post received hundreds of “thanks,” as well as thousands of replies from her neighbors detailing similar sightings. “The general consensus is that
these sightings are unnatural, and a sign of more dangerous animal encounters to come,” explained Brents in a follow-up post. In response to the sightings, some La Jolla residents have started taking protective measures against wildlife home intrusions, despite the small number of verified animal sightings in La Jolla in the last 50 years. Some of these protective measures include adding extra locks to doors, reinforcing windows with half-inch steel bars, and installing motion-activated cameras commonly used by hunters. Gerry Smith, 95, went so far as to furnish his La Jolla property with six-footdeep trenches, barbed wire, and a mounted machine gun. When asked about his home defenses, Smith told reporters
“The animals! From all directions! The Krauts!” In a press release issued by the La Jolla City Council following the upset caused by Brents’ post, Wildlife Management official and Park Ranger Kevin Yearling explained, “It is important that we stay safe while in animal-infested areas. These animals are encroaching on our natural habitat and making their homes where we live. They are armed and dangerous. I recommend that everyone carries a large stick, some pepper spray, and perhaps a grenade launcher whenever they go outside, so they can make sure to wipe any potential threats off the face of the earth ... though on second thought, we should contact President Biden to order a preemptive drone strike on these dangerous forests.”
Khosla Releases New “Crypto And Kitchen Exchange” Plan to Replace Dining Dollars
PHOTO BY JACK YANG “I dont give a shit about all this talk of legal tenders,” said Hamburg, “I just want my goddamn chicken tenders.” BY SEIJI YANG
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Staff Writer
n light of the campus-wide dining crisis, Chancellor Khosla announced last weekend a wave of sweeping reforms for the Housing and Dining program, starting with the
replacement of Dining Dollars with a on-campus cryptocurrency exchange. Under the new Crypto and Kitchen Exchange (CAKE) program, UCSD dining plans have been changed to new “dining portfolios,” with students picking between Tritonium, Geisel Libcoin, and
the Chancellor’s own branded cryptocurrency, KhoslaCoin. The crypto-culinary change came soon after student complaints about high dining prices and wait times flooded HDH offices. After a brief experiment converting Dining Dollars to Triton
Cash failed to alleviate concerns, the Chancellor’s Office released an official report detailing the immediate replacement of student accounts with the “revolutionary
See KhoslaCoin, page 2
PIZZERIA EXPERIENCES GAS LEAK
WE COULDN’T PRINT A GREAT TIT
The whole place is flooded with carbonara monoxide
So here’s a chick with nice legs
SUN GOD TO BE DEMOTED TO SUN EMPEROR In what was described as a “shocking turn of events” by students, it was found that walking backwards under Sun God three times had no statistical relationship to grades; it was a lie invented by the Stuart Art Collection to remind students of their existence. Now UCSD’s beloved deity, symbol, and friend –– Sun God –– is stepping down from his position and will henceforth be known as Sun Emperor. Students clamored for an official demotion due to Sun God’s “lack of performance.” As such, a spokesperson for the disgraced God-turned-Emperor confirmed that the construction around Muir is being done to facilitate this
change, starting by resizing the pedestal, removing the gold paint, and replacing the crown “with a funny little hat.” Overall, Sun Emperor’s mighty bush will be trimmed down by a sizable three inches. “He really couldn’t afford to lose that many inches,” said a construction worker, “but I bet he’ll rise again to his full glory after getting worshipped by multiple students around finals week.” Sun God Festival will retain its name, as Sun Emperor no longer has the power to change it. King Triton is reportedly “very pleased,” stating that the art installation “needed to be reminded of who the real mascot is.”
SURFER CRASHES AFTER CATCHING WAVE THAT WAS ALSO A PARTICLE Local surfer Brad McBroski reportedly suffered injuries in a surfing accident, leaving him in a state of superposition. As McBroski was catching a “nuking wave,” someone on the beach measured the wave’s position, thus collapsing it into a particle. This freak event, which has only been observed in research labs, has shifted tides in the physics community. Due to the Heineken uncertainty principle, a surfer superstition, the onlookers knew McBroski was moving very fast, but they had no idea where he was. Until
paramedics found him, McBroski was simultaneously alive and dead. After McBroski was found alive, his ride to the beach and “dude in arms,” Homie Simpson described the event. “Dude. it was gnarly, it was grommin’, it was bodacious, it was schlorpin’, it was schlurpin’, it was boogie-woogie-Ebenezer-Scroogie...” Simpson continued to list adjectives for 30 minutes. Following this “radical” event, McBroski was recruited for a study in which he was repeatedly fired at a double slit.
WOMAN UNFORTUNATELY NOT HAUNTED BY COOL GHOST –– JUST HER PAST “It’s horrible, I might go insane,” claimed Daniela Rumour. “And not in the fun way where you look artfully disheveled, shrieking in the moors, overcome by the trappings of society and womanhood.” “No,” Rumour explains, “this is much more insidious.” “I keep on seeing these notifications on my phone. ‘See yourself 5 years ago with those bangs, Daniela,’ my phone tells me. ‘Oh God, all of those little hashtags you’d add to all of your Mancrush Mondays, just to make sure we all knew you were being ironic,’ my friend reminds me. ‘Oh haha Daniela, remember when you watched and
live-tweeted that sports anime, thinking that your thoughts deserved to be seen by your eleven followers?’ my mind curses me.” Rumour goes on to bemoan her fate. “I just want my every waking moment to be judged and found wanting by a supernatural shade, but I have to do that myself. I can’t be both the haunting and the haunted. I’ve got bills to pay.” It is a constant struggle, Rumour admits, but she is hopeful that “even more social media” will induce “a sort of brain rot,” that will numb her to anything, even time.
See BRIEFS, page 11