THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
“I’m Grant motherfucking Wood. I do what I want.” —Grant Wood, American Gothic painter
For your eyes only.
February 8, 2023
Board of Education Investigates Chromosome “Homolog Agenda” in Biology Curriculums
Volume XXIX Issue IV
IN THIS ISSUE HEALTH INFLUENCER LAUNCHES MERCURY SUPPLEMENTS
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PHYISICISTS RUN OUT OF GREEK LETTERS
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THE MQ GOES TO THE YEAR 1023
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CA STORM DRAIN SYSTEMS AUGMENTED WITH CLOWNS TESLA UNVEILS FULLY SELF-DRIVING STROLLER
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NEWS IN BRIEF “It’s Adam and Eve, not adenine and guanine,” insisted one parent. “It’s … I don’t know,” ponBY MILLIE YOU
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Ass. Graphics Editor
espite its widespread acceptance as part of a standard biology curriculum, parents and politicians alike are mounting increasing hostilities against the subject of homologous chromosomes being taught at UC San Diego. “This saucy biology calls for the total separation of these homosomes from the classroom,” said a leader of the opposition. The recent surge in anxiety has been attributed to homologs being “joined at the centromere,” leading to a widespread belief of “suspicious pelvic activity.” This sentiment is not held among biologists. “To be very blunt, homologs are an eighthgrade concept. You don’t even need to cover them in detail in class,” said UCSD genetics professor Paul Ru. “Basically, they’re chromosome pairs. One is from the maternal side, the other the paternal, and they pair up for cell division. That’s it. I don’t see what the fuss is about. Some people are doing too much.”
dered Ben Sharp, 32. “I just don’t know. They’re so entangled, body and soul. Surely there’s some — exchange — happening there.” The exchange, experts say, merely has to do with genes. “In an event we call crossing over, these homologous pairs swap some parts of their genetic material,” explains Violet Chalkee, a researcher focused on cell division at UCSD. However, this clarification only seems to have incensed opposition. “Leave it to snowflake scientists to describe something lewd as ‘crossing over’ and ‘genetic material,’” one blog post read. “What kind of slang term is chiasma? Are biology curriculums really using this type of wording to describe sex positions?” another post demanded. “Well, biologists can chiasma in the privacy of their own homes, but not in front of my kids!” “This post-modern neoMarxist, critical race theory offshoot of a curriculum has done enough damage to
PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH schools everywhere. Enough is enough,” said a formal statement penned by Peter Jordan, an avid protestor of the “homolog agenda.” “Homologous metaphase is unnatural; swapping of fluids — ahem, genetic exchange — is meant for man and woman. This agenda shall NOT triumph over the righteousness of parenthood. They shall not ruin our children!” “I’m literally an adult, Dad. Please stop, you’re embarrassing me,” Jenny Jordan, 19, posted an hour later. She later commented, “I think we can acknowledge here that they’re freaking out about the word ‘homo,’ which is so juvenile that it’s almost funny. It doesn’t mean anything except that homologous chromosomes are, well — homologous!” “We’re biologists. We study this in great detail for many years,” protested Will Moon, a member of the National Biologist Coalition. “This is an extremely targeted campaign from an extremely small population of very loud, misinformed, and paranoid people. Please. We are talking about
chromosomes here. This is what they’re supposed to do! They can’t help it!” UCSD has released a statement addressing the conflict. “As always, UCSD is committed to an inclusive and fair campus that does not tolerate the discrimination of new ideas, especially movements from minority groups,” an announcement read on Tuesday. “The board is working closely with this minority to resolve concerns about the curriculum. We see you, we hear you, and we are learning.” UCSD’s response has been met with mixed views. “I think everyone is being way too facetious. It’s not complicated,” said an anonymous counter-protester of the antihomolog agenda movement. “Some people are depressed and horny and try to ruin it for everyone else. I mean, really. If you can’t get laid, don’t make it my problem. I get blue-balled all the time! You don’t see me raving against ‘genetic exchange’ between men and women!”
Costco to Offer Medication Samples
CHINA CLAIMS BALLOON ORIGINATED FROM “LARGE BIRTHDAY PARTY” Last weekend, the United States military shot down a balloon suspected to be part of a Chinese espionage operation. When the balloon was first discovered over the continental United States a few days before, the government of China stated that the balloon was a weather balloon that flew off course. After the discovery of a potential second balloon above South America, a spokesperson from China’s “premier balloon authority” offered a new explanation for the balloon. In a video posted on Twitter, they said, “Everybody loves a memorable birthday party, and apparently somebody celebrated by building heavy-duty
high-altitude balloons with cameras on them. We have learned that they used it to take a high-resolution infrared selfie of their party from 60,000 feet, and we apologize that it then floated over numerous military installations in the United States.” Americans living in the path of the balloon had mixed responses to this new explanation on social media. Twitter user @balloon_enjoyer said, “This makes so much more sense! Going to buy one of these for my next birthday party!” However, user @under_where wrote, “Kind of skeptical about this whole birthday thing. Where are the candles? And what’s up with the telescope sticking out?”
SCIENTIST REVEALS DAYS ARE ONLY GOING TO GET SHORTER Meteorologist Marty Harrow recently published the results of several years of research. In his article, he concluded that while daily hours of sunlight fluctuate with the position of Earth in its orbit, this year he is “pretty sure” that the hours will only continue to decrease. Describing his methods, Harrow said, “It’s pretty intuitive. I just look outside, and I think, wow, it’s dark at 4 p.m., and I don’t feel like the sun is ever going to rise again. Some people say this is just because I’m vitamin deficient, but I drink essential oils every day, so I don’t think that’s it.” Other meteorologists have criticized Harrow’s
methods and findings. Barbara Plant said, “[Harrow] chases after bizarre explanations completely disproportionate to his vague ennui. He claims Earth’s northern pole is slowly tilting away from the sun, so the hemisphere where he lives will be eternally dark in two years time. He completely ignores all laws of physics, common sense, and standards of peer review to instill his temporary hopelessness into his worldview. You might think it’s inspiring that it’s so difficult to be reasonably pessimistic, but this isn’t a metaphor — he’s giving meteorologists a worse reputation than Bill Murray.”
TIKTOK WHERE CREATOR POINTS TO TEXT HAS GREAT RELATIONSHIP ADVICE, ACTUALLY
“I love Costco,” said Davis. “I never knew prices so low could make me feel so high.” BY CONNOR BETTERLY new initiative to expand the tions throughout Copy Commander
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n a groundbreaking move last week, the director of Costco announced a
company’s famous free sample program into its medication offerings. Starting next month, customers can visit designated sample sta-
LOCAL DOG RETROFITTED TO LEARN NEW TRICK
Excels at rolling over
PHOTO BY FARHAD TARAPOREVALA
the store to try out a variety of overthe-counter and prescription medications, including painkillers, antidepressants, and even recreational drugs.
“We want to make it easy for our customers to find the right drugs for them, just like
See COSTCO, page 2
HOUSE HUNTERS RENEWED
Houses go into hiding
As February began, many young people described themselves as “pressed to impress” their partners. One such youth, Julian Wheels, found a solution on his “For You” page. “It’s nearly Valentine’s, and I’m like 95% sure that Chelsea’s gonna expect something big. That’s when I found @gfwhisperer on TikTok. I’m so glad subtlety in human communication is slowly getting phased out thanks to these relationship hacks.” The creator, known for his romantic advice, has “come in clutch” to many users in the comments. “This guy is the real thing!” exclaimed Wheels. “People say that the reason he can make 20 TikToks a day is because he just points to some text above
him, but I think that’s reductive. He knows his stuff.” Detailing his Valentine’s plans, Wheels continued: “I think I’ll use a gfwhisperer classic: the ‘pretend to not be interested plus gaslighting combo.’ At our date, I’ll show up 40 minutes late with no explanation, then edit my text that tells her when we were supposed to meet. I can already tell she’s gonna be crazy about me.” Neither Wheels nor his partner could not be reached for comment after that night, but the fallout appears to have motivated Wheels to start his own TikTok page, where he explains “what women really want.”
See BRIEFS, page 11