THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
March 15, 2023
“I’m not asleep. My mind is alive.” —Joe Biden, President of the United States
Volume XXIX Issue V
Oscar-nominated satire.
Railway Company Responds to Ohio Chemical Spill by Spraying Febreze
IN THIS ISSUE GOOGLE LAYS OFF ENTIRE IN-HOUSE CIRCUS
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UCSD BANS SALE OF CAFFEINATED BEVERAGES
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THE MQ’S SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT
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EIGHTH COLLEGE NAMED
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THE MQ FILES TAXES
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NEWS IN BRIEF “This cleanup is gonna be a Febreze!” exclaimed one Norfolk Southern Railway representative. the air smells bad, but we’ve sucks, categorically, so maybe BY KAZ NUCKOWSKI
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Copy Magistrate
n February 3, 50 cars in a 150-car train derailed near East Palestine, OH, 20 of which contained hazardous chemicals that spilled into the Ohio River. Residents were encouraged to evacuate, and although many have returned to their homes, community concerns about air and water quality remain. “The EPA says the air is fine, but I’m not convinced,” resident Concerta Sitazen stated. “But there’s still a sweet chemical-ly smell. You can’t tell me that’s not having some effect.” Scientists have assured residents that the residual smell is not indicative of air quality, as levels are below dangerous benchmarks. Responding to the town’s concerns, Norfolk Southern Railway released a statement. “We are deeply sorry for the role that we played in this disaster, but also, like, chill out maybe? We know
got that covered.” A viral TikTok showcasing the chemical burn flume tagged “#notsponsored” was posted to the company account. In the post, the rail shipping company announced they would be mass spraying Febreze over the town to combat the smell. “Febreze fights air odors without masking, leaving nothing behind but a light, fresh scent!” When questioned by reporters and scientists as to the safety or efficacy of such a proposal, a representative responded, “It doesn’t matter. The smell will be gone. That’s what you guys care about, right?” Following Norfolk’s statement, residents took to the streets and the media in protest of the initiative. “You’re fighting air pollution with more air pollution!” organizer Addie Vista said in an interview. “Over 3,500 fish have already died. And birds. Did you know Febreze isn’t recommended to spray in homes with birds? What I’m trying to say is that people will die. Which
we shouldn’t? Just a suggestion.” In an attempt to clear further concerns, atmospheric scientist Indy S. Treeplant published an initial report certifying that the initiative was “100% verifiably most certainly” safe. “Febreze has been tested and approved for home use, and this preliminary study reveals that claims of adverse effects are overstated.” Norfolk Southern Railway then released a legal disclaimer after consulting with tobacco industry lawyers. “We advise against going outside your house for 24 hours after the Febreze spray occurs. Any medical costs associated with lung cancer or inhalant addiction treatment are the fault of the individual for incurring risk by violating company recommendation; Norfolk Southern Railway is not liable for such damages.” “This is absurd,” Vista commented. “So it’s safe, but we can’t leave our houses for 24 hours unless we want to get cancer?! We need to be able to
PHOTO BY AMIT ROTH hold people accountable for this stuff.” Vista sighed and continued, “But it’s not like anyone cares about rural Rust Belt America. For decades, our communities have been subjected to all kinds of environmental and occupational hazards with car manufacturing and oil and coal mining with no legal recourse. And the tobacco industry intentionally marketed cigarettes to minority communities — knowing full well they caused cancer — and got away with it for decades. It’s so challenging to actually effect change. The lead crisis in Flint got so much coverage, but they still don’t have clean water.” When asked about the future of East Palestine, Vista added, “Who knows what things will look like in 30 years, when some ‘groundbreaking’ study comes out that allows us to take Norfolk to court. But the damage will already be done, and I wish it didn’t have to take that long. In the meantime, I’ll learn to love the smell of sandalwood and fresh cotton.”
UCSD Implements M.R.S. Degree to Increase Number of Women in STEM
MARCH MADNESS SHORTENS FORMAT TO DRAW IN YOUNGER AUDIENCE After years of declining viewership, the NCAA announced a shift in their annual March Madness tournament in an effort to “pander to those damn kids.” “It’s clear that this younger generation doesn’t have the same respect for sports as their parents did,” said NCAA president Gerald Unkingab Asketball. “They just stopped watching three hour long games ’cause their attention spans are shot. It’s a shame, but we here at the NCAA are committed to profit above all,
so we will be shortening all games into a series of 60-second periods. Don’t worry, we will still keep our very popular four-minute ad breaks between periods for our loyal fans.” The tournament’s format change was well received by viewers. “I love the change,” said self-proclaimed TikTok influencer Ospla Shingath Reejan. “Now I can watch the sport as it was meant to be watched: 60 seconds of highoctane action followed by four minutes of pure advertising bliss so that I know where to buy my pants from.”
UCSD ATHLETICS PIVOTS TO ROTISSERIE CHICKEN EATING After the president of the Costco Club generated more school spirit and attendance than any sporting event in the history of UC San Diego by eating an entire rotisserie chicken, UCSD Athletics announced a new direction for the department. “Students’ appetite for entertainment is no longer sated by traditional sports,” said a representative. “If this is what’ll bring Tritons out of their eggshells and rally them together, so be it.” “Forget D1. We’re in the Chicken Division now, baby,” said H. D. Sanders, head coach of the fried chicken team. In addition to chicken events, coach Soylent Fiend has announced the creation
of the Tofu Triathlon in an effort to include vegetarian and vegan students, where tofuthletes compete by eating entire blocks of tofu. However, winners get the honorific “Tofu Titlist” rather than the coveted “Chicken Champion” title. The response from students has been overwhelmingly positive. “It’s always a cluckin’ good time to watch those athletes,” said student Dave Canes. Indeed, the chicken-eating athletes have become so popular that many students line up to get their autographs after competitions, primarily in the form of greasy handprints or smiley faces drawn with a Costco highlighter.
VENDING MACHINE HAUNTED BY MALEVOLENT SPRITE
Following the success of the M.R.S. degree, UCSD is looking into creating a “house-husband” degree. BY BITSY HSU M.R.S. degree in a variety of Computer Science), allowStaff Writer
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tarting this spring, UC San Diego students will have the option to obtain an
STEM fields. The TritonLink major-minor tool will be updated to include majors such as EC29 (M.R.S. Electrical Engineering) and CS28 (M.R.S.
ing students who identify as women to enroll in an M.R.S. degree program. The Dean of the Jacobs School of Engineering, Albert
PHOTO BY JULIA WONG P. Pisano, released a statement on the new program, noting, “Previous efforts to increase
See M.R.S. Degree, page 2
ELEPHANT EVADES POACHERS
FARMER’S PRODUCE RUNS AWAY
He just ducks
He doesn’t carrot all
Gismeveldi DonCheeto, host of the podcast UCSD Ghost Hunters, claimed that the Subway vending machine on campus is haunted, describing how after only a few months of activity, the vending machine began dispensing soft drinks instead of sandwiches. In his latest episode, DonCheeto said, “I tried ruling out natural causes — I studied the science of sandwiches, the alchemy of fountain drinks. I even called HDH, but they hung up on me because I had ‘bad vibes.’” DonCheeto concluded that the vending machine was haunted by a sprite, a fairylike creature described in European folklore. “He goes by many names. The Diet Coke Deity, the Pepsi Poltergeist,” said DonCheeto’s co-host, Orlando Robbery. “We want to solve the mystery of this Fanta of the Opera.” To investigate, DonCheeto and Robbery bought sand-
wiches from the Subway vending machine and reported which soft drinks the machine dispensed. They found no statistically significant correlation between the sandwich chosen and the drink, except for one outlier described in Robbery’s tell-all podcast episode. Robbery said, “Every time I try to buy a tuna sandwich the machine gives me a blank aluminum can filled with liquid nitrogen.” Soon after reports of the haunted vending machine spread, the machine mysteriously began working normally again. After investigating, DonCheeto discovered that a magician had concluded that there were no issues. “Yeah, everything was totally normal. After all that hassle I found a half-empty can of Sprite behind the machine,” said the magician, “so I drank it.”
See BRIEFS, page 11