9781529968439 by Smakprov Media AB

‘Ted leaves a trail behind him of a pungent pong, reminiscent of someone else’

PAUL WHITEHOUSE

‘When I think of Ted, I think of biscuits, spam, ammunition, goose droppings and old water’

BOB MORTIMER

An epic journey with GONE FISHING

RUNAWAY BESTSELLING AUTHOR

PRAISE FOR A PAWTOBIOGRAPHY

‘I ate it in one sitting’

Dennis the Doberman

‘I tore it up and used it as bedding’

Dora the cockapoo

‘I buried it’

Luna the spaniel

‘I took it to the kennels on my holiday; it helped a little to pass the time’

Geoffrey the labrador

‘What book?’

Bo the Briard

ALSO BY TED THE DOG

A Pawtobiography

An

epic journey with GONE

FISHING

TED THE DOG

(As told to Lisa Clark)

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First published by Ebury Spotlight in 2025 1

Illustrations © Moreno Chiacchiera

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ISBN 9781529968439

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To all my furry friends who are no longer here. You’ll never be forgotten. Till we meet again. And we will.

Part Deux: France

Prologue

I’ve had my briefcase for as long as I can remember. It was always very special to me. I think it’s because it was all I ever really owned in the world. I’d been in four different homes before I was seven months old and it became like a security blanket for me.

Then I left it behind in the woods and someone else took it. It’s remained my primary mission to get it back and who’d have thought that undertaking would lead me to foreign climes and a daring rescue mission, worthy of any blockbusting film.

Many people have asked me what’s in the briefcase and why getting it back means so much to me.

Maybe the answer lies with the film supremo Quentin Tarantino, who said the value of the briefcase in his classic 1994 movie Pulp Fiction lay not in its contents but in the briefcase itself.

You could draw that analogy with fishing as well. It’s not always about the fish you catch but the joy of fishing itself. Being on the riverbank with Paul and Bob is one of the greatest pleasures in my life, alongside food and most recently my passion for parkour.

All these delights are about to collide in one big European adventure and you are most welcome to join me on the ride.

Do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France?

I was about to find out.

PART ONE HOME TURF

CHAPTER ONE

How It All Began

If you read my last book you’ll know that … what, you didn’t read it? Why on earth not? Everyone else did. Where were you and what’s your excuse?

There’s still time, so go and get one, I’ll wait for you. Hurry up and don’t even think about looking in the bargain bins. It was an instant classic. It’s probably at the British Library by now. I hear paw-signed copies are changing hands on the black market for vast sums and large bones. While we wait for those misfits to get their copy of my Pawtobiography , I’ll briefly summarise what it was all about, in case those of you who read it haven’t committed every word to memory.

I was born into a litter of six puppies in 2012. They didn’t like me and I didn’t care for them either. My mother was at best indifferent and I never knew my father. Nor, as it turned out, did my mother.

I was the last puppy to be sold, just before Christmas, at a drastically reduced price. As I recall, I think it was for a family pack of iced mince pies. The writing was

clearly on the wall. I mean, who buys the iced version of mince pies?

They didn’t really take to me in my first home, even though I was a surprise present, supposedly fulfilling two young boys’ ultimate dream of finally owning their own dog. They soon got bored of me and went back to their pet PlayStations instead.

I was dumped, alongside the wilting Christmas tree, after the festive celebrations were over. I was only six months old and it wasn’t really the best start in life or the outcome I’d dreamt of.

All I had was my beloved leather briefcase, which I subsequently and stupidly left behind in the woods where I used to play games with the squirrels.

The family deposited me, all alone, outside a dogs’ home and went on their merry way. To where, I simply don’t know but of course I wished them all the very best for the future.

I spent six months incarcerated, which, far from breaking me, gave me skills and confidence way beyond my years.

I made lifelong friends in the home and came tantalisingly close to reuniting with my briefcase, as one of the other inmates, a rough pitbull called Vinnie, had found it and was holding it ransom.

When I was finally adopted into my forever home, I was forced to leave my briefcase behind, which was pretty

devastating, but as you’ll know only too well, I am made of tougher stuff and that’s when I vowed I’d stop at nothing to get it back.

In my lovely new home, I met my soulmate, and the mother I never had, a beautiful pedigree Old English sheepdog called Dolly. We instantly bonded and although we could not have been more different, we adored each other. She was everything I wasn’t. Poised, dainty and fragrant.

I muscled my way onto Gone Fishing with Bob Mortimer and Paul Whitehouse in 2017 and quickly turned a pretty successful television show into a beloved national institution.

Dolly died when she was almost 14. That did break me, I’ll be honest.

I decided to write my first book for several reasons. To honour the legacy of Dolly and to teach you human muppets how to properly look after your pets, because some of you are severely lacking in the basics and need quite a bit of training yourselves.

I decided to write this second book for one main reason: You lot still have a hell of a lot to learn.

So settle down and prepare yourself for more revelations, showbiz secrets and a few laughs at Bob and Paul’s expense along the way. When did I ever let you down?

My dearly departed friend Dolly was my inspiration to write, alongside a steady supply of pocket meat.

CHAPTER TWO

The Life of an Author

My first book, A Pawtobiography , was published in November 2024 and rocked the book world off its very axis.

I don’t want to wag my own tail, but the fact is I outsold many of my heroes, like Al Pacino, Cher and David Jason. And I shifted more copies than Rick Astley.

The whole journey, from being an unwanted skinny runt to a star of the small screen and then a bestselling dog author, was a hoot.

I didn’t read the reviews of my book. I’m happy for you to keep your opinions to yourself but I did chuckle at this comment in the Sunday Times:

‘We’ve had plenty of books about animals in the bestseller lists this year, but this week, unusually, features a book by an animal – Ted the Patterdale terrier from Gone Fishing, to be precise. And if he had sold just 101 more copies, Ted would have beaten “Big Dog” Boris Johnson.’

Make of that what you will.

Where is Boris now? Licking his wounds – and not for the first time either.