Also by Bruno Vincent
Do Ants Have Arseholes? (co-writer)
The Secret Diary of Mario Balotelli
Danger Mouse Declassified
Five on Brexit Island
Five Give Up the Booze
Five Forget Mother’s Day
Five Go Gluten Free
Five Go Parenting
Five Escape Brexit Island
Fairy Tales for Millennials
Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery of the Forgotten Password
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Trigger Warning
Sherlock Holmes and the Air Fryer of Doom
You Can’t Say That Any More
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First published 2025 001
Copyright © Bruno Vincent, 2025
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This book is dedicated to the mysterious person who delivered the package of secret diaries to the editor, signing himself Damon A____ (the rest is a blur).
On 3 April 2025, a mysterious cache of papers was discovered in a skip in Burnage, Manchester. Although not at first recognised, it was soon discovered to be a secret stash of private papers belonging to Oasis musicians Liam and Noel Gallagher, comprising lost diary entries from the brothers’ early years, as well as more recent times.
The contents of the papers led us to think that these were parts cut out of the brothers’ diaries. It seems likely that the pages were intended for destruction because the details contained within are personal, often controversial and offensive. And also, frankly, quite ridiculous.
With these papers were some other documents, including a mysterious piece of writing which appears to be a new work of religious literature: The Gospel According to Liam Gallagher.
Its authorship is unclear. It could be debated whether the person responsible was trying to start a new religion, taking the piss out of Liam Gallagher, or committing sacrilege to try to get themselves excommunicated from the Church and potentially assassinated by a religious fundamentalist. Possibly all three.
The documents are published here in their entirety, exactly as they were discovered.
The reader has been duly warned.
Sue Perssonick (editor)
22 September 1972 – NOEL (aged five)
Mam back from hospital today. Package in arms.
Brought home my new brother.
William John Paul Gallagher.
First impression, he’s very immature.
No self-control.
Cries at the drop of a hat.
Total attention seeker.
Expects everything to be done for him.
Total baby.
29 September 1972 – NOEL
One week on.
Liam still crying. Mam says I have to share bedroom. Don’t like this.
Tried to say to the lad there’s certain house rules, but he don’t listen.
Just cried and stuck his fist in his gob.
So apparently he’s rude as well as being a slow learner.
Also Mam’s obsessed with him and I’m getting no female attention.
Lad better grow up pretty quickly and show some respect. Can’t be putting up with this shit forever.
17 April 1973 – NOEL
Treated Our Kid to a performance of me new song. Me on vocals and tambourine, with Paul on recorder. Still working on lyrics but has a working title of ‘Woof Woof Brown Dog’.
Smashed it.
‘What do you think?’ I ask the little ’un. He just stares up at me, all stupid and dribbling. Then the smell hits us.
‘Gross!’ I say, covering my nose.
‘That’s a bad review,’ says Paul. ‘Anyway, I still reckon it sounds too much like “Baa Baa Black Sheep”.’
‘Take that back!’ I shout. ‘It’s original! I never copy other bands’ music!’
In