PENGUIN LIFE
UK | USA | Canada | Ireland | Australia India | New Zealand | South Africa
Penguin Life is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.
Penguin Random House UK , One Embassy Gardens, 8 Viaduct Gardens, London sW 11 7BW penguin.co.uk
First published 2025 001
Copyright © Peanut, 2025
The moral right of the copyright holder has been asserted
Penguin Random House values and supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes freedom of expression and supports a vibrant culture. Thank you for purchasing an authorized edition of this book and for respecting intellectual property laws by not reproducing, scanning or distributing any part of it by any means without permission. You are supporting authors and enabling Penguin Random House to continue to publish books for everyone. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner for the purpose of training artificial intelligence technologies or systems. In accordance with Article 4(3) of the DSM Directive 2019/790, Penguin Random House expressly reserves this work from the text and data mining exception
Set in 13.4/16pt Garamond MT Pro Six Red Marbles UK, Thetford, Norfolk
Printed and bound in Great Britain by Clays Ltd, Elcograf S.p.A.
The authorized representative in the EEA is Penguin Random House Ireland, Morrison Chambers, 32 Nassau Street, Dublin D 02 YH 68
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library is B n : 978–0–241–70998–6
Penguin Random House is committed to a sustainable future for our business, our readers and our planet. This book is made from Forest Stewardship Council® certified paper.
For all mothers, everywhere
Foreword
Hello from Lorraine
Throughout my career I’ve had the privilege of meeting thousands of women, each with their own remarkable story around motherhood, not to mention my own experience of being a mother to Rosie. In the thirty years since she was born things have changed so much, but despite the minefield of modern motherhood to be navigated she has become a brilliant mum. I have learned so much from her when it comes to my granddaughter Billie, and babysitting is now my favourite job in the world!
I remember feeling overwhelmed and lonely when Rosie was a newborn – none of my friends had children at the time and my own mum was so far away in Scotland. I think I just ‘muddled through’ those early months – with the help of Rosie’s dad – but I still remember those feelings of loneliness and anxiety. Back then I had so many worries and questions: what the best room temperature was for a newborn, how long should her naps be, or how much should I feed her. I would leave her out in the garden in her pram to get some fresh air and then stress that she was going to catch a cold and bring her back inside again. I spent ages rocking her to sleep, only to
wake her up to check she was still breathing. And I thought I must be the only mum who was doing that.
I convinced myself that people would think I was a bit daft for not knowing all the answers – how I would have loved the Peanut App myself back then! It’s like having a whole group of supportive friends in the palm of your hand and I’ve seen the difference it’s made to Rosie’s journey into motherhood. But, most importantly, sharing the stories of these wonderful mums, and learning from each other, has the potential to bring so much comfort to so many. That’s why this book is so special. Because it really does take a village to raise not just a child, but a mum and a granny too!
Love, Lorraine Hello from Rosie
If you’re reading this, I think I’ve been where you are now. I think I’ve stood in your shoes, and if I haven’t yet, I’m probably about to. If you’ve just found you are pregnant and are standing in the parenting section of your local bookstore, I’ve been there. (And congratulations!) Or if your mum/best friend/partner has bought you this book because you have a new arrival, hi! Or if you’re on what feels like night 128 of no sleep, or you’ve been walking for over an hour and finally have a sleeping bundle in the pram, yup, been there too. Welcome to motherhood.
When Peanut asked me to pen a few words about this book, I screamed with delight inside (and a little bit out loud too, to be honest). To be able to speak to any woman who is where I am, has been where I am or is going to be
x
where I am, is an honour, and one I don’t take it lightly. That’s something my mum instilled in me. The fact that Peanut has been my saving grace on more sleepless nights and anxious mornings than I care to admit only makes it that bit more special. This book perfectly builds on what the Peanut community is: a place where we all come to learn, because we’re all just figuring it out, and we’re all in it together. Peanut knows that motherhood requires support, community, understanding, strength, love, forgiveness and, most importantly, other women who have lived it and have the battle scars to prove it – a village of them.
In those very early weeks of pregnancy, when only my partner and my GP knew I was pregnant, I had my village on Peanut to confide in, to ask whether it was normal, whether it would pass, whether salt and vinegar crisps had also become their main food group. When I was worrying whether my hair was really going to fall out after birth, or whether I was the only person in the entire world up at 3.23 a.m., rocking Billie to sleep, my village was there, telling me they were doing it too. A silent midnight army.
What I suppose I didn’t really understand before becoming a mum is how strongly motherhood links you to other women. Something validating and almost magical happens when you hear another mum’s experience of something, even when it’s not the same as your own. Whatever our views or experiences, we have something that connects us. We were never really meant to raise children alone, so whether you’re finding solace through the app or the pages of this book, know that you won’t have to.
Chapter after chapter, I have lapped up the stories from real mums sharing real experiences about every stage of new motherhood. I was constantly nodding or folding down page
corners to turn back to. Most importantly, I felt seen. So, when Peanut asked me to introduce you to this book, I thought about what I wanted you to know, what I wish someone had said to me when I was standing in your shoes. Above all, I want you to know that you are never alone in this. We are right there in the trenches with you, just a message away, just a few pages over. Because we’re in this together. Consider me the first member of your village. You’ve got this.
Love, Rosie
Prologue
‘Are you on the dating scene?’
‘Have you met someone yet?’
‘Are you going to get married?’
These are just the first in a long line of questions that women face throughout their lives. Society seems to have a map laid out for us: go to school, get a job, settle down and start a family. We memorize facts, study history, learn about the planets and discover that the mitochondria are in fact the powerhouse of the cell. Sixteen years of education packed with everything we’ll need – except, you know, how to file a tax return or fix a leaky tap. And definitely nothing about the most important – and often overlooked – role many of us will step into: motherhood.
We leave school and move into the next phase of our metamorphosis; many of us spend five years (or more) preparing for our dream futures and figuring out who we actually want to show up as in this world. We navigate our way through university, internships, sleepless nights, new friendships, office politics, broken hearts, promotions – all on the ascent to adulthood. Along the way, we’re told we can do anything, be anything. We stand on the shoulders of the women before us, who fought for our right to education, equal pay and career opportunities. They shattered glass ceilings so we could take
up our place in the world, with the message that women can have it all if we just work hard enough.
Then, without much warning, the questions change:
‘Are you having a baby?’
‘Are you having another one?’
‘Are you going back to work?’
The stakes continue to rise. And everyone around us seems to know the path we should be on better than we do. For years, I pushed back against these questions. I told anyone who asked that I wasn’t sure if I’d have kids. That I was too focused on my career. And part of that was true. I had spent years grinding away in the corporate world, convinced that reaching the top would define my success. Motherhood felt distant, something I’d think about later when I had ticked off more of my to-do list.
But motherhood didn’t wait for me to be ‘ready’. (What does ready even look like, anyway?) It didn’t fit neatly into my carefully planned career trajectory. And it certainly didn’t come with the instruction manual I desperately needed.
We don’t talk about it – not in school, not in the workplace and certainly not in the self-help podcasts that tell us how to build a fulfilling career. Society presumes women will become mothers, but it forgets to hand us the toolkit on how to navigate that part of our lives. The result? We feel lost. We’ve prepared for everything else: our education, our careers – some of us are even spreadsheeting for our financial futures – but when it comes to motherhood, we’re left fumbling in the dark.
I became a mother at the peak of my career, and in that moment, everything shifted. I felt fortunate and terrified at the same time. How could I step away from a role I loved? How could I pause a career I had worked so hard to build?
How could I be entirely responsible for this perfect little life form? The long and short of it is that I had no idea how to show up in the world as ‘Michelle the mum’, so I went back to work after five months, eager to prove that motherhood hadn’t changed me. But the reality was, everything had changed.
I had been so focused on ‘having it all’ that I hadn’t prepared for what that truly meant. I hadn’t thought about how to balance motherhood with the rest of my life. I hadn’t laid the groundwork for the emotional, physical and mental shift that comes with raising a child. And I didn’t have the stories of other women – real women, with real struggles and real triumphs – to guide me.
Those are the things you look for in friends, but none of mine were in the same boat. Sure, in the early days with my son, Fin, some of my friends were also up at 3 a.m., but it was typically for a different kind of bottle service. Those were the moments in which I felt the loneliness the most. I’d gone from working a million miles an hour, constantly around people, to suddenly being at home all day on my own with this little dude. It was a difficult adjustment, and thanks to society (or stubbornness), I didn’t feel like loneliness was something I could openly admit to. Because I wasn’t alone: I had this baby and a loving family, and I swear I did have actual friends! I just didn’t have anyone who truly got it. I needed people who understood what I was going through, or even better, were going through it themselves.
So, fast- forward through many, many sleepless nights, mum and baby classes and lonely sobs, to my realization that my experience in the world of tech and dating apps (and now, early motherhood) might actually propose a solution. I could modify the principles, algorithms and learnings to create a
product that would help users connect with other like-minded women (who just so happened to be mamas). It was an idea born out of sheer necessity.
When the Peanut app progressed from idea to actual-thingI’m-now-actually-doing, I had so many considerations in mind. I had only been a mum for a short time and was already sick of the way brands and products were addressing me, falling into outdated clichés and using othering terminology (I’m looking at you, ‘DD 2’). Seemingly the industry hadn’t yet caught on to the fact that all mums are not the same. Not all of us are good at arts and crafts, and simply having kids isn’t always enough in common to build a lasting friendship. I wanted to create opportunities for women to find friendships based on more than just this monumental, shared experience. You’re allowed to have friends who like the same shows as you, or the same artist, or work in the same industry and who happen to be mums.
And now, that’s exactly what over five million women around the world use Peanut for. We’ve created an online village where every unique mum can find her people, the answers to her questions, validation and support. We can pool information, have a laugh and be vulnerable together, knowing that we’re in a safe space. I wanted it to be easy to find other mums who live close to you or whose kids are the same age or who also want to chat about the Kardashians when they’re doing the night feeds. I wanted it to be easy to create authentic connections you can take offline and into a local cafe, and to access trustworthy expert- sourced information and advice. Basically, Peanut is a modern solution to a familiar problem: being a mother is hard work best carried out in a community, but too many of us have to do it in isolation.
In building Peanut, we’ve heard the stories and lived experiences of millions of women, and it’s those experiences
we’ve leaned on to bring you this book, along with expert insights from doctors, counsellors and therapists who are part of the Peanut network. We want it to be a trusted resource when you’re deep in the thick of it and in need of support. To help you wade through tricky waters, like when you can somehow still remember Pythagoras’ theorem but not for the life of you what day it is. It’s the book I wish I had read in my twenties, before becoming a mother. It’s for every new and expecting mother who is trying to navigate this incredible, overwhelming and beautiful journey without the village they thought would be there. It’s for the women who want to know that they’re not alone, that it’s okay to feel uncertain, and that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to motherhood.
Because the truth is, the village may not look the way it used to, and it might not come flat-packed and ready for easy assembly, but that doesn’t mean we can’t build it ourselves from the ground up. Whether it’s through friendships, online communities or simply sharing stories like the ones in this book, we can create our own support systems – ones that empower us to be the mothers – and the women – we want to be.
I am so grateful to every single woman who shared their stories with us to help bring this book to life. Like Peanut, it would not exist without the care, support and love that each and every one of you have brought to it. Whether you are a contributor who helped us to take the next step on connecting mothers around the world, or a reader about to discover the many unspoken but essential truths about motherhood, thank you for being a part of this journey. I feel so lucky to be a part of it with you.
Michelle Kennedy Founder and CEO of Peanut
When I say motherhood is hard . . .
What I mean is, it’s not motherhood, it’s the mental load.
It’s not the baby, it’s the broken sleep,
It’s not the lack of alone time, it’s the lack of a village.
It’s not matrescence, it’s the not prioritizing maternal mental health, It’s not failing at breastfeeding, it’s society’s expectations failing me.
It’s not the no days off, it’s the no hands on.
It’s not my postpartum body, it’s the pressure to ‘bounce back’.
Pregnancy glow to let herself go.
It’s being over being undervalued.
I love being a mother, but motherhood is hard. And maybe it could be easier.
– Jess Urlichs
Introduction
It’s three in the morning. You’re five days past your due date and you can’t sleep because there is no such thing as a comfortable sleeping position any more. So you’re wide awake and googling ‘100% safe ways to get labour started’ with a mixture of nerves and excitement.
Fast-forward five weeks. It’s three in the morning and the baby is wide awake, which means you’re awake – trying to get them back to sleep. Maybe you’re pacing in your kitchen, soothing them as they cry. Maybe you’re propped up in bed, trying to feed them without waking your partner. Maybe you’re slumped on the sofa for the fourth time tonight, because your baby is deep into cluster feeding and it’s impossible to break the pattern of constant night feeds. You’re beyond tired.
You catch yourself looking out the darkened window, wondering when it will get easier. You feel utterly alone, which is crazy, right? You have your baby right here after all those months or even years of waiting for them, and they’re so perfect, so precious. There must be other mums out there, staring out their living-room window or pacing their kitchen, but at this precise moment you feel like the loneliest person in the world.
I’ve always wanted to be a mom but it’s a lot of work, not just caring for them but also nurturing my sense of self. You don’t have the time, energy, or mental capacity. And it can be very lonely.
— Stephanie W., US
Ask anyone who has ever had a child what it was like in the first few months and they’re likely to get a haunted look in their eyes as they tell you about night feeds and colic, endless exploding nappies and mysterious rashes. The tiredness, confusion and worry mixed in with the sheer joy and wonder of suddenly having a tiny, infinitely precious human to love and care for. Life has been rearranged and will never be the same again. ‘Nothing can prepare you for it,’ they might say.
At Peanut, we’re the first to admit that this is kind of true. Becoming a mother has a profound impact on every area of life, from your body to your relationships and even your sense of self. The changes are huge but, of course, they’re also different for everyone. There’s no such thing as the right way to be a mother because every mother is uniquely herself, caring for her unique child. How can you know what your particular struggles will look like until you’re living them? There could never be a plan for motherhood, let alone a manual, because one size definitely does not fit all.
But while that’s true, we also know for certain that sharing stories with people going through something similar, being connected to other mums, asking for tips, offering reassurance and sympathy and having a giggle at the craziness of it all can mean the difference between dreading each day and learning how to thrive in your new life.
Having mum friends makes being a mum a little easier, and easier is good – essential, actually – because while being
a mother is the most important role we’ll ever have, it’s also the toughest. The responsibility is so huge, it’s practically guaranteed to feel overwhelming. What if we get something wrong? What if we get everything wrong? There’s no time off, no respite. If we carried and birthed our baby, then our body has just gone through a profound transformation. Even if it all went fine, we’re bound to be reeling. And for those of us whose childbirth was a struggle (or worse), we’ve got a lot of healing to do.
Whatever our route to motherhood – through adoption, surrogacy or pregnancy (assisted or not) – once the baby arrives, we’re into new territory. A lot of it will be full of love and joy on a scale we’ve never known, but after a few months of sleep deprivation and all- day- every- day challenges, we’re also likely to find ourselves feeling lonely, sad, confused, angry or anxious at three in the morning. How could we not?
This is a book about mothers, not children.
You’ll lose your past self, and that will hurt. It might even feel as if you’re completely disappearing. But if you can embrace this new role, you will be reborn – empowered and ready for the challenge.
— Fanny L., Mexico
Working out what’s going to make your experience of motherhood as enjoyable as possible is no easy task because, as we know and you know, this stuff is highly personal and changing all the time. It’s messy and emotional. It’s stressful. There’s still so much pressure to be that perfect mother who makes it all look easy: in tune with her children’s needs while also being a great wife / girlfriend / lover / daughter / friend /
boss / colleague / cook / cleaner / taxi driver and picker-up of every single piece of Lego on the living-room rug.
So women research and make plans. We hoover up the endless stream of information about babies, parenting and what to expect when you’re expecting. Books, blogs, posts, your doctor’s opinion, your mum’s opinion, your best friend’s opinion. We’re desperate to make sure we’re equipped to give our child everything they need. And that’s great; it’s high up there in the job description of being a mum.
But there are so many other, less visible challenges, many of which are rooted in our needs rather than our child’s. How do we make sure we have at least some time we can call our own? To heal, read, think, go to the gym, or just have a bloody shower? How should we be with our partner now we’re parents? Where did all our friends go? Where can we find new ones who get this – and us? How do we go back to a job we love without feeling guilty and overstretched? How do we accept making some sacrifices now while ensuring we don’t make sacrifices for ever? How do we feel sexy and sexual again? How do we make space for our own fun, as well as our child’s? How do we feel seen, valued, appreciated, whole, whether we had our baby last week or five years ago?
These are the kinds of challenges that so many of us haven’t given much thought to, until the day (or more likely the long sleepless night) when we realize, ‘Wait a minute, I have questions. And I’m not sure I can google the answer.’ You’ll find much less information about a mother’s struggles than you will about weaning, tantrums and all the rest, especially if you want accessible, verifiable information and honest opinions from the people who are actually living the same challenge. Mums’ needs get overlooked. We overlook them ourselves.
My partner and I agreed that we wouldn’t let starting a family change us and we’d keep everything exactly the same. It went the absolute opposite direction. We had to re-evaluate our whole relationship and almost start anew.
— Brianne P.-L., US
Realizing that we need help can make us feel really vulnerable. That’s when every mum needs a village – not just to look after her baby (though another pair of hands to sterilize a few bottles wouldn’t go amiss) but to help her figure this stuff out. To look after her. Mums need shoulders to cry on, cheerleaders, wise elders. We need expert advice on everything from setting boundaries with older relatives to post- partum sex. We need fresh perspectives, from people who’ve been there, mopped up the projectile bodily fluids and have the battle scars to prove it. Mums need a break, some understanding, and each other.
That’s why Peanut was born, and that’s precisely what this book sets out to give you. This isn’t a parenting manual or a guide to baby and toddler development. There are countless great books on those subjects already. This is a book about you : your struggles, your joys and your discoveries. It’s about how motherhood intersects with every other aspect of your life. It doesn’t push the idea that early motherhood is nothing but a slog. We know that many mums feel the pendulum has swung too far towards that story. They long to share their delight in motherhood and their joy in their kids but worry it won’t be well received or will make other women who are struggling feel worse. The truth is that being a mum means life is extreme: it’s both the best and the toughest role. Motherhood will give you the most uplifting moments you’ve ever experienced and take you right down to the depths. Your kids
will drive you crazy and make your heart feel as if it’s bursting with pure, joyous love. Mothers aren’t convinced when the messages they’re given about motherhood are too bland, too sentimental or too sensationalist. Being a mum is too multifaceted and mums are too complex to be satisfied with anything one-dimensional. Honesty is key. And that’s what we’ve tried to deliver in the book. Above all, it covers the questions and issues that we’ve seen coming up over and over again, that mums like you bring to Peanut in search of information and reassurance. We’ve arranged these questions roughly in the order that you might experience them, so for example, worries about birth come before ‘How am I supposed to have a shower when my baby never sleeps?’ ‘Help, I can’t find any mum friends’ comes before ‘Hold on, I have to go back to work and I’m not sure I’m ready.’ But of course every mum is different and, although there are common themes, we’re certainly not saying that this is how things go for everyone. Some of us are tackling parenthood solo while others have a live-in partner. Some of our partners are a huge support – but some of them really aren’t. Not everyone has their origin family living in the same town or even the same country. Some of us are estranged from family. Maybe we’re closer to our in- laws, or maybe our in- laws are a pain in the arse. Maybe we have a social circle that flexes as children are born, maybe we don’t. We might be working full- time, working part- time, staying at home with our kids or going back to school. We might be feeling stretched for cash or life might be relatively comfortable. So if there’s a section about an issue that isn’t relevant in your life, such as conflicts with a live-in partner when you’re a single parent, feel free to skip right ahead (or if you prefer, dig in to hear how other mamas are feeling). Our circumstances and needs are different, but we
can still learn from and support one another to find the most rewarding way through motherhood, for us.
Throughout the book you’ll also find a number of ‘sticky’ topics. These are the ones that might cause friction between two camps at a mother and baby class, for example, or cause you to feel complex emotions months or even years down the line. It’s not our intention to make a case for or against, just to lay out the issue and let you hear from other women who’ve been there and tackled the fallout. Seeing both sides of the story will, hopefully, make you feel more equipped to handle these debates, if and when they pop up. And – largely – hearing the point of view of other mums helps bridge the gap between camps, helping us all to understand each other a little better.
We’ve asked thousands of members of the Peanut community to tell us their stories and share their hard-won lessons on how to thrive as a mum. No matter the issue you’re facing, the Peanut community has got your back. If you’re finding it hard to adjust to this new aspect of your identity or you’re looking for reassurance that you’re not going mad – these mums are here for you. This book is a labour of love with hundreds of authors, and all of them have been where you are now.
I will always put my daughter first no matter what. But in order for me to do that and be the best I can, I have to take care of myself too.
— Vanessa R., US
It Takes a Village , like Peanut before it, was born out of our belief that every single mother deserves to feel secure, nurtured and seen within their community. We all need support networks that look after us as well as our children.
We also need and deserve to be our glorious whole selves, at every single stage of motherhood, so that we can really show up for our children. Aisling M., who lives in Spain, said, ‘I didn’t expect to feel so fiercely that my role is to hold space so that my daughter can grow into herself. I would do anything to help her be who she is. So I guess I have to lead by example and be unapologetically me!’ Too right, Aisling.
We hope the stories collected in this book reassure you that you’re not the only one struggling and help you see that, actually, you’re doing a great job. We hope they inspire you to explore your village, reach out to ask for and offer help and, above all, enjoy this unique and precious time in your life as much as you possibly can. You and your children deserve nothing less.
Love, Team Peanut
