Changes in Relationships
The Impact of a Cancer Diagnosis
Julie Larson, LCSW – www.julielarsonlcsw.com
The Impact of a Cancer Diagnosis
• Cancer brings change, loss and uncertainty
• Feelings change from day to day
• How you feel impacts how you view yourself, the situation and the road ahead
• Everyone responds to cancer in individual ways
• All feelings are normal. There is no right or wrong way to feel.
Impact on Relationships
• Changes in roles and responsibilities
• Changes in physical needs: energy level, appetite, sleep
• Changes in emotional needs: extra reassurance, more privacy
• Increased financial, childcare, sexual stress
• Changes in future planning
Navigating Relationship Stress
• Self awareness: Understanding how you feel & what you need.
• Making requests of others to seek support, meet your needs.
• Considering and being intentional about where to turn for support.
• Learning your limits & setting boundaries.
• Strengthening self care tools for soothing distress independently.
Relationships Have a Powerful Effect on Our Health
• Studies are finding having a variety of relationships may help reduce stress and other health related risks.
• Physical contact can trigger release of hormones that not only feel great but can have other biological benefits.
Common Communication Fears:
• Saying the wrong thing
• Being too emotional
• Not having an adequate response
• Historically difficult relationship dynamics
• Feeling unable to freely express all that you think or feel
• Complexity finding the words to articulate your experience
The Four Components of Nonviolent Communication
OBSERVATION:
The actions I observe and are affecting me.
The actions you observe that seem to be affecting you.
FEELING:
How I feel related to what I observe.
Wondering what you might feel based on what you observe.
NEEDS: My needs or values causing my feelings.
What you might need or value that is causing your feelings.
REQUEST:
The concrete action I would like taken clearly requested.
The concrete actions you would like taken to enrich your life. Julie Larson,
Relationships begin with the one you have with yourself.
• Communicating begins by listening to yourself.
• Slow down.
• Identify the waterfall of thoughts in your mind.
• What are you feeling?
• Do you have questions?
• What are your observations?
• Have you created any assumptions?
• Work to observe and understand your needs and limits
Observation vs. Judgment
Judgments center our thoughts on who is what. When observations include an element of judgment our thinking is preoccupied with classifying and analyzing:
• Right vs. Wrong
• Good vs. Bad
• Normal vs. Abnormal
• Responsible vs. Irresponsible, etc…
Judgment increases defensiveness and resistance
Observations focus on what we or others are needing and not getting.
NEEDS FULFILLED: NEEDS NOT FULFILLED:
Amazed, Comforted, Confident Angry, Annoyed, Concerned, Eager, Energetic, Hopeful, Confused, Disappointed, Inspired, Intrigued, Joyous, Discouraged, Distressed,
Moved, Optimistic, Proud, Embarrassed, Frustrated, Relieved, Stimulated, Thankful, Helpless, Impatient, Irritated,
How Big is Your Feeling Dictionary?
The more specific you can be with your feelings the better understood you will feel.
Touched, Trustful… Lonely, Nervous, Overwhelmed Puzzled, Reluctant, Sad…
When Feelings are Unexpressed
Lost opportunities for true connection
Lead to misinterpretations or distancing
Expressing vulnerability can help deepen connections.
Distinguishing between thoughts, feelings and judgments can be tricky.
Expressing feelings is a skill. Over time you become better able to identify and express the feelings you have.
Asking For What You Need
It might be hard to consider asking for your needs to met but..
• Unmet needs can lead to depression, resentment, frustration, irritation, isolation…
• When your needs are met you are more likely to be responsive and alert to the needs of those you love.
• Checking in on what other’s needs based on their feelings is also an important communication skill.
Warning: Needs are NOT tasks or roles
Feelings Help us Decode our Needs
Nonviolent Communication Examples:
“Are you feeling _______ because you need _____?
“I’m wondering if you are feeling_________.”
“I see ______ and I feel __________ because I need ________. Would you be willing to ______?”
“I am hearing you say__________. Are you feeling _________? Would it help if I ___________?”
*Excerpts from Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD.
Julie Larson, LCSW – www.julielarsonlcsw.com
But what if... There were More Truths?
The first reality = MINE
• My experience now and prior.
• The responses I expect from others.
• The beliefs, assumptions, predictions I have.
• What I feel and need.
The second reality = YOURS
Perspective Taking
Research suggests that utilizing several views other than your own demonstrates high levels of emotional intelligence and improves relationship satisfaction.
1. Who else can help you decode a strained moment?
2. Word Watching – Do you have different definitions of the same word?
3. What are you seeing that I am not?
Curiosity & Care
• Think like a scientist. Hypothesis.
• What makes people tick?
• What do I know about this person?
• What is working for them? Not working?
• What might they be needing?
• What do they want to change?
• How can I touch the part of me that has felt this way for the purpose of understanding to this experience for you?
small effort = Big Impact
• Consider the difference between ENERGY & ATTITUDE
• What is the “story you’re telling yourself”
• Watch for joy - seek it – make time for it.
• Keep things interesting – are you living by outdated rules?
• Express gratitude (appreciation)
• Connect with others who have similar circumstances and relationships
Where it all “Springs” into Action
Lead with Presence – Show up and give others your full attention
Intention shapes the trajectory of our communication
Stay keen to the underlying needs in a conversation – flexible attention
In Summary:
Listen to yourself. Come to understand what you Observe, Feel and Need.
Prepare yourself for important conversations.
Decide who the best audience is for you today related to what you need to express.
Know your emotional “hot spots”.
Strategize, in advance, ways to stop, shift and stabilize
Learn how to care for yourself. Reach out to good friends or a therapist to help you construct ways of communicating that feel comfortable and meaningful to you!
