THE PESSIMIST vol. 101, that’s a lot
Wednesday, march 27, 2013
1 SECTION, roughly 4 pages
Violence Page 13
Under New Management Optimist staff rebels against editor, publication’s direction uncertain
man vs. technology
university
ACU to reduce tuition
INSIDE OPINION The Editorial Board writes an opinion no one else agrees with
marissa jones benedict arnold Somewhere inside
NEWS Feral Cat Initiative accidentally catches feral kids, not cats Page 0
NEWS ACUPD catches Swiper Sniper: it was Mark Lewis Page 1 mandy lambright photo hog A stray robo-logo snarls at ACU students from behind its mask. The cat-robots were programmed to police student conduct on campus and designed to look like the new ACU athletics logo.
SPORTS
ROBO-CATS PATROLLING
Football team signs Mark Sanchez, only to mock him for ‘butt-fumble’
CAMPUS
Next week’s Pessimist
SPORTS Basketball team wins next year’s March Madness Page 20
NEWS Provost Rhodes named Rhodes Scholar, then gives confusing speech Last week’s Pessimist
ONLINE NEWS JMC professor Pybus creates ‘Papybus’ typeface acupessimist.com
NEWS Students who don’t read the ‘Optimist’ begin to mysteriously disappear acupessimist.com
VIDEO Chapel series to be 30th annual series on Sermon on the Mount
pessimist.com
PHOTOS We’ve decided to only publish pictures of us
Robotic militia replaces feral cats mark smith dictator The university’s Feral Cat Initiative is supposed to be a program where campus management catches stray cats on campus, neuters or spays them and releases them back on campus. However, on Monday two students stumbled on the real motive of the program: replacing all the real feral cats with a kitty robo-cop militia to police students
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them. The small metal robots looked like the new athletics logo. The freshmen thought the robots were cute, so they each grabbed one to jimmy ellison hide in their dorm room. acu police chief After sneaking them into their room, the students soon learned the purpose students weren’t allowed of these robots. in the tower,” Studebaker “The cats looked said. “Now we know why.” around the room, opened The women slowly their mouths and started opened the door to find screaming really loud, like almost three dozen catsee robots page 11 like robots staring at
Moody bat bites student gabi powell still hasn’t texted mark back After months of scoping Moody Chapel crowds, the Chapel-interrupting bat found love at first bite. Monday’s Chapel concluded with the bat’s nosedive into section A, causing a stir as students trampled each other to go stand in large circles in front of the exits. No students were immediately seen to be bitten, but later one sophomore has confirmed ACU will soon boast of its own Edward Cullen, especially since the bite occurred in
the building next to Cullen Auditorium. The student has asked to keep her identity anonymous, but symptoms have revealed the revamping of said student-to-vampire. To keep with ACU’s mission of cultural diversity, the university has expressed its wish for the student to remain on campus, but have vowed to withhold the individual’s name. However, President Schubert has warned students to keep a distance from classmates with these traits and temperaments: see bite page 11
contact jones at benedictarnold@acu.edu
graduation
mandy lambright captain The student who was bitten by the bat, who does not want to be identified, talks to other students on campus.
rules
‘No dancing’ policy reinstated still a baby face
BLOGS
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They’ll also serve as moral police to keep students in line with ACU’s mission.”
man vs. nature
mark smith
flickr.com/acupessimist
on campus. Molly Baldwin, freshman family studies major from Spring, and Janet Studebaker, freshman biology major from Texarkana, were walking by the Tower of Light at the Beauchamp Amphitheater and heard a strange meowing. “It sounded metallic, almost not real,” Baldwin said. Then they noticed the door to the tower was slightly ajar. “We’d always been told
A direct relationship between the number of dances on ACU’s campus and the frequency of public displays of affection on campus has encouraged administration to reinstate the strict “no dancing” policy that had been in place for the university’s entire existence, with the past year as the exception. “It’s to see all this PDA,” said Dr. Jan Meyer, interim dean of students and vice
president for Student Life. “It certainly existed before the dancing, but it’s out of control now.” Kissing couples can be seen during most Chapel services, in the main hallway of the Biblical Studies Building and just about everywhere else on campus. “It’s like they want to rub it in that they’re in relationships,” said Barbara Finley, senior art major from Longview. “We don’t want to see that, ever.” Finley is single but didn’t think it was a relevant detail.
Tuition will decrease by $1,760 for ACU undergrads for the first time in the university’s history. The 2013-14 academic year tuition will reduce 5.9 percent from $26,770 to $25,010. The university’s ability to decrease tuition is credited mostly to the success of the new ACU-run salon. “We knew Pura Vida would be a good business venture, we just didn’t know it was going to be this profitable,” said Anthony Williams, chief business services officer. “I think our success is partially due to the Bible professors constantly coming to get pedicures and administrators getting massages.” Another factor that contributed to the decrease in the tuition was a change in the Mobile Learning Initiative. “We’ve decided to finally make the switch from Apple iPhones and iPads to actual apples,” said Bill Rankin, director of Educational Innovation. “We just looked at the core of the matter and decided to bite into it. Apples will create new healthy possibilities that could provide a more nutritional learning environment.” Students will also be given an even greater decrease in tuition if they get engaged or married during the semester. “We’ve noticed a growing lack of disinterest in the student body to get their ring by spring,” said Kevin Campbell, chief enrollment officer. “We hope to change this by giving students a renewed incentive to get married. Hopefully if they like it they will put a ring on it.” Students have voiced other speculation as to why the university was able to lower tuition. “I think people are paying ACU to have raves in the library after midnight,” said sophomore David Lezowski. “No wonder they kick all the students out of the library so early.” Lezowski said pumping rave music out of the speakers at loud volumes would also offer a good explanation for why the library speakers are such bad quality.
However, students in relationships stand behind their right to PDA. “Where else are we going to do PDA?” said Dan Phillips, freshman marketing major from Corpus Christi. “All freshmen are always on campus and we’re not allowed in the other sex’s residence hall expect for five hours on Thursdays. We’re not allowed to have private displays of affection, so we have to resort to public.” Many students are unhappy that dancing is not allowed anymore, even though they didn’t go to
Abilene Christian University
any of the several dances on campus in the past year. “I wasn’t going to go to one, but I’d like to have the option to,” Phillips said. Half the students we were able to survey think the policy will hinder their ability to find a significant other at ACU. The other half admitted they’d have no chance with a potential mate if they saw them dance. don’t contact smith unless it’s really important
Officials to give Jobs honorary doctorate mark smith chief The university will offer an honorary doctorate degree to Steve Jobs at the May commencement. “We wanted to find an appropriate way to honor and thank him for everything he’s done for this university,” said Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university. “Where would our students be without their iPhones and iPads?” Jobs’ family has yet to respond to the invitation. this was kind of a short story, huh?