SPONSORED BY OUR SPONSORS? OUR SOURCES: SING SONG DRAMA AND VOLDEMORT’S LINKEDIN
IMAGE COURTESY OF HATERS GONNA HATE
The anonymous Optimist predictions team joins the Sing Song judging panel.
Optimist staff named new Sing Song judge BY AN INSIDE SOURCE USES PREDICTIONS AS ‘RAGE BAIT’
After hearing students’ positive feedback regarding The Optimist Sing Song predictions, The Optimist staff has been chosen to judge all future Sing Song acts. Over the past several years, The Optimist has had unprecedented accuracy when it comes to predicting the winners, never failing to pick the winners with limited drama around campus, said Courtney McGaha, manager of student productions. “It really is impressive,” said McGaha, “The Optimist somehow manages to pick the winners without ever
hurting anyone’s feelings or causing drama. I don’t know how they do it.” The predictions are even more impressive considering they are solely based on the practices early in the week before the show. “It would be easy for them to get it wrong,” said McGaha, “I mean if there was an act that was unorganized, boring, or had costumes that fell apart, it would be easy for The Optimist to assume they will lose, but somehow they always predict who will win.” The decision to let The Optimist staff predict who will win came after a stream of positive feedback from YikYak flooded the student
life office on Friday. “We’ve seen your posts on YikYak, and we also support The Optimist,” said PJ Martinez, associate dean of student engagement. “We want to acknowledge that it is the students who are putting in the hard work of Sing Song, and if they want The Optimist to judge, that’s exactly what we will let them do.” Dr. Phil Schubert made the announcement after the last Sing Song show. “We love getting to include our students in everything we do on campus,” Schubert said, “Our motto is ‘to educate students for Christian service and leadership throughout
the world,’ and we think this will provide The Optimist staff with real world experience vital to the formation of their careers.” In support of The Optimist, some students began ripping up the papers around campus. “We think it’s insane that the opinions of The Optimist are relegated to only being in the paper,” said Curly-Headed kid from The Optimist. “Their predictions of each act are always so good. They need more of a platform to discuss who they think should win.” In the past, the acts have been judged by professionals or alumni who know
about each of the categories being judged: set design, costumes, choreography, entertainment and vocals. The political science department also expressed support for the change. Allowing The Optimist to judge helps show support for freedom of speech, said Dr. Peter Benson, assistant professor of government and criminal science. “It’s about First Amendment rights,” said Benson, “Media is the fourth branch of government and letting a newspaper participate in Sing Song helps fight fascism and hold the ACU institution accountable for poor judging.”
NEWS
SGA partners with LEGO PAGE 2
NEWS
Voldemort takes over COBA in ‘hostile muggle merger’ BY RITA SKEETER DARK MARK? MORE LIKE DARK MARKETING
After years of searching for a major donor, the College of Business Administration has finally secured a name. Unfortunately, it’s one no one is allowed to say out loud. Enter: The College That Shall Not Be Named. Voldemort has officially taken control of the College of Business Administration. The Dark Lord arrived last Monday at 8:04 a.m., disapparated into the dean’s office, and declared a “hostile merger” with what he called “the most power-hungry department on campus.” Within minutes, signage was replaced, syllabi were charred and the college was officially rebranded as the Voldemort College of Business Administration (VCOBA), a name he claims “better reflects the school’s commitment to fear-based leadership and ethically questionable success.” “Business is power. Power
IMAGE COURTESY OF CAMPUS SECURITY BALL
Lord Voldemort claims COBA in his return. is control. And control is ... market share,” Voldemort hissed, addressing a stunned BUSA 120 class while casually turning a whiteboard into a snake. “Also, I needed somewhere with free printing.” Former VCOBA Dean Dr. Mike Willoughby was reportedly thrown out of the second-floor conference room after refusing to sign a magically binding noncom-
pete agreement written in Parseltongue. “I thought I was prepared for anything,” Willoughby said, brushing ash off his blazer. “I’ve dealt with budget cuts, enrollment dips, even a student who tried to pitch a Shark Tank idea during Chapel. But I was not trained for this.” The faculty responded with mixed emotions. Dr.
Katie Wick, associate professor of management and wearer of exactly zero enchanted cloaks, expressed concern. “We’re adapting as best we can,” Wick said. “He’s rebranded management as ‘Dark Arts of Influence’ and finance as ‘Cursed Wealth Acquisition.’ Honestly, the new org chart just screams chaos.” While some students have
since switched majors, others seem unfazed by the change. “Honestly, it’s kinda chill,” said sophomore finance major Alecto Carrow. “He gave a lecture on ‘ethics as a liability,’ and I think he made some solid points. Plus, we get out early if someone faints from fear.” “I thought business was supposed to be easy,” said Seamus Finnigan, who recently changed his major to psychology. “But after Voldemort turned my group project into a blood pact, I decided to switch to the second easiest major instead.” Voldemort has also updated VCOBA’s career development mission to “prepare students for soul-sucking careers in global domination, wealth extraction and corporate sorcery.” At press time, Voldemort was seen installing a throne made of course catalogs in the VCOBA atrium and muttering about launching a new MBA track: Master of Business Annihilation.
MACCC sees rise in chapel related injuries after upgrades BY HAL HOOTS ONLY LISTENS TO A CAPPELLA
The Medical and Counseling Care Center is reporting a substantial uptick in Chapel-related injuries among students, faculty staff this year. Tyson Alexander, director
of the MACCC, said the injuries and ailments his office has seen related to Chapel have been higher this year than any point since the university began keeping records. “Usually, we see injuries related to intramurals or maybe new member orientation,” he said. “But with the exception
of a few students getting concussions from walking into glass walls or bumping into doors, this year it’s been all Chapel.” For example, several students in recent months have been treated at the MACCC for breathing problems related to excess smoke inhala-
tion. Others have experienced mini-seizures induced by flashing and spinning lights. “Plus we’ve had a few people complaining of temporary hearing loss from experiencing emotive worship music at high decibels,” Alexander said. Fortunately, none of the injuries or conditions have been
life- or soul-threatening. Nathan Kranz, campus minister, said the Chapel office and the Office of Student Life is aware of the issues and is taking steps to alleviate the problem. “We’re placing respirators at all four exits to provide See MACC, P. 2
Limited Acess will soon launch in bookstore PAGE 2
NEWS
Fake News: Trump blames the Bean for disappearing cats PAGE 3
NEWS
Men’s basketball coach to pledge SUB T-16 PAGE 3
FOLLOW US ( SORRY FOR NOT BEING ON FIZZ)
@acuoptimist The Optimist @acuoptimist