@thatanonfellow Hacked @finsta
PESSIMIST A Max and Lauren publication of Abilene Christian University since 2015
Volume: up, Issue: your attitude, Yee: haw
Saturday is for the, boys
FAKE NEWS Pi Kappa is still bitter they didn’t win in our predictions, but we’re still bitter we didn’t get a pin.
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Golding puzzled as pants split for greener pastures
Photo courtesy of THAT ONE GOFUNDME Golding’s pants retired in the Moody Colliseum. HAL HOOTS THE EYES AND EARS OF THE OPTIMIST
ACU men’s basketball head coach Joe Golding will return next basketball season. However, his ripped pants will not after they and athletic director Allen Ward failed to reach an agreement to renew the slacks’ contract. The pants received national attention during March Madness after they ripped in the seat as Golding celebrated the team’s
victory over University of New Orleans. Media outlets ESPN, Sports Illustrated and Bleacher Report each reported on the torn trousers, which made their final courtside appearance during the Wildcats defeat last week against the University of Kentucky in the first round of the NCAA Tournament in Jacksonville, Florida. Ward said negotiations to renew the pants’ contract heated up immediately as soon as the team and coaches returned to campus.
Among Golding’s pants’ demands were extended cuffs, wider pleats and a little more room in the inseam, much of which Ward said he tried to accommodate. But ultimately, he said he believed the media attention was too much to overcome and that the pants had became convinced they could be better compensated at another NCAA Division I school. “I think those pants just started to believe all the press they were getting,” Ward said. “They just got
too big for their britches.” Golding’s pants said they had no hard feelings about the breakdown in contract talks and had only good things to say about their time at ACU. They took credit for convincing Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university, to transition to D1. “I think I’ve done what I came here to do,” the pants said. “I’ll miss Joe, of course, and I’ll miss the comfortable seats in Moody. But it’s time to move on to
greater things.” Golding’s pants said they will be looking at open positions – primarily in the Atlantic Coast Conference and the Big Ten. The challenge, they acknowledged was finding a winning coach with a compatible leadership style and a 34-inch waist. For his part, Golding said he was surprised as anyone when his pants decided to go elsewhere. “In hindsight, I should have seen it coming,” Golding said, a towel wrapped around
his lower body. “It never was a perfect fit – obviously.” Golding said he’d begin looking immediately for a replacement for his sole suit pants but that the departure had given him an opportunity to move in another direction. “I mean, sure, I could go with some gabardine or wool or even polyester-cotton blend,” he said. “But I might go with cargo pants or some of those plaid golf pants Grant Boone wears. Heck, I may even try out a kilt.”
Harris takes NFL offer after being top intramural prospect LAUREN FRANCO LET ME GRADUATE
After scoring 1,968 touchdowns in one intramural football season, Hutton Harris announced his dayjob resignation with an offer from the Pittsburgh Steelers. “Some people think I’m stuck in college by playing football with Gamma Sigs, but it opened this door for me to be on the screen instead of controlling the screen,” Harris said. Though he graduated in 2008, Harris has continued to enjoy his stardom as quarterback for the past 11 years. “I’d never take a break from my Gamma boys,” Harris said. “They’ll always consider me the best there ever was, because I am.” Harris played every minute of each game and scored all of the points by himself. He single-handedly took on Galaxy and won.
Photo courtesy of THE KID WITH THE GREEN HAIR
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Some people think I’m stuck in college by playing football with Gamma Sigs, but it opened this door for me to be on the screen instead of controlling the screen,”
HUTTON HARRIS FUTURE NFL SUPERSTAR
Barack Obama presenting Hutton his official Steelers jersey. In addition to his record-breaking performances against a bunch of logs, Harris led the intramural league in passes completed and passing yards per game while holding a child – baby Davis – in one of those weird kangaroo-like pouches.
When CBS sportscaster Jim Nantz was told of the news, he knew exactly who Harris is, and CBS immediately committed to broadcasting several Steelers games. “Oh Hutton Harris? Yeah, I know that guy,” Nantz said. “He works on the set of some of our
games. He’s the guy that likes to take pictures of everything, including us.” Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger also said he’s scared of losing his job, though he might be retiring soon. “I thought I had two more years left for sure,” Roethlisberger said. “We
got those primadonna, no talent players, but with Hutton being signed on though, that’s basically the second coming of Terry Bradshaw.” Though his new career will be time consuming, Harris said he plans to continue sending Snapchats of his baby to his entire friends list every five minutes. “Davis watching sports is unique content that everyone needs to see,” Harris said. Harris begins his new season this fall, and the Journalism and Mass Communication Department will seek to fill his
position with ACUTV by the end of the summer. His strenuous position required him to sit at his desk talking sports all day and calling employees no earlier than 8 p.m. to ask one random question. JMC Department chair Kenneth Pybus said replacing Harris wouldn’t be difficult. “Hutton might be a talent, but he isn’t THE talent,” Pybus said. “When I played football for Frater Sodalis in 1943, I was just as good. It isn’t anything special, so I don’t understand the rage.” Harris leaves behind a refurbished ACUTV studio that he didn’t design and classes that he cancelled on a weekly basis. Editor’s note: The greatest Steelers player of all time, Franco Harris, is not related to Hutton Harris. Nor to Optimist editor Lauren Franco.
Pybus exposed as Optometrist Twitter admin, apologizes to department RILEY FISHER CAMERA
Upon pressure from Optimist staff members and the student body, Kenneth Pybus, chair of the department of journalism and mass communication, has confessed his administration of the notorious Optometrist Twitter account. Since late 2017, The Optometrist has periodically found mistakes, including but not limited to typos, grammar and style errors in the print edition of The Optimist. In addition, he has pointed out
issues in The Optimist’s web stories. Shortly after its creation, staff members began noticing the account’s critical remarks regarding their stories and quickly became upset. Previous Optimist editor Haley Remenar said she was “suspicious, but too afraid to ask” when she discovered cryptic account information buried in her shared files with previous chair Cheryl Bacon. Current editor Lauren Franco said she was “happy to know that someone was looking out for the greater good of the pa-
per,” but “wants to let the rumors die down before investigating” when asked if she believed the stories about Pybus. “I’m glad someone besides me cares so much about stylistic errors in the paper. Even so, I’ve made it my goal to produce the first paper that the Optometrist finds no mistakes in.” said Franco. When confronted about the rumors, Pybus defeatedly admitted to running the account. “It’s become a secret that is passed down from chair to chair. After Cheryl retired,
I couldn’t be the first to shut down the new tradition after being the first to continue it.” said Pybus. Pybus later said that the Twitter account sometimes provides him with “an outlet for anonymously expressing frustration with consistent mistakes.” Staff members share feelings of disappointment, but not surprise, at Pybus’ involvement. The JMC department released an official statement of apology from the desk of the chair on Tuesday to all former and current Optimist staff
acuoptimist.com
members. In an attempt to remain professional and rebuild trust, Pybus will hold meetings with anyone who wishes to discuss the situation with him in the coming weeks. In response to the allegations, the university
has shut down access to all social media websites through its network in an effort to promote face-toface transparency. The Senior Leadership Team has not decided when, if at all, access to Twitter and other sites will be restored.