3 minute read
PARENTING THE COURAGE TO PARENT TODAY’S TEEN
WRITER: MARY ELLEN GRIFFITH
Let’s face it: Few jobs are more harrowing than raising a teen.
We parent in a digital age, when one bad choice can turn into a life-changing mistake portrayed on a global stage. Not to mention the daily negative influences our kids face, ad nauseum.
Reality TV shows that depict humans with the intelligence and values of baboons in heat rule prime time. We wring our hands over the temptation to text and drive as we watch a local news report about a “good kid’s” brilliant future thwarted by one single glance at a lighted cell phone. And sadly, even in Lake County, it’s as easy for kids to find and buy marijuana as it is a Snickers at the local Cumberland Farms.
So how do we walk that tightrope between letting teens discover themselves and their individuality, and keeping them healthy and safe? And doing that without burying them at 13 and digging them back up at 19?
With the courage to lovingly and wisely parent, that’s how.
It’s not easy, but running away from home is not an effective option for parents who want to raise kids who don’t end up on the FBI’s most wanted list. Anyway, that’s the coward’s way out. Here’s some stand-your-ground, but sensible, advice I have picked up about raising teens. It only scratches the surface; however, it will hopefully slow the roller-coaster ride of raising a teenager long enough for you to catch your breath and remind them how much you love them.
SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES.
Dr. Steven Van Gelder has not only raised his own kids, but is also a local psychotherapist who helps adults navigate the choppy waters of teen parenting.
“The worst thing you can do is paint an adolescent into a corner,” Van Gelder says. Instead he suggests coming up with a “program,” part of which gives your teen a choice.
It works like this: Think of the privileges you provide that your teen can’t live without: a TV in his room; his own personal cell phone; perhaps a laptop. Then choose an “absolute.” If your son or daughter doesn’t meet your expectation, that privilege is revoked. Suppose while perusing your son’s Twitter account, you find he is using language that would make Richard Pryor blush. Let your son know you are delighted he enjoys social media, and you wish to continue to provide him with that benefit, but if he cannot use appropriate language, you will have no choice but to turn off his access to Wi-Fi and confiscate his cell phone.
You may find using this strategy can help avoid a household battle of epic proportions even if you have to follow through with the consequence. After all, it was his choice. The good news for your teen is he can earn the privilege back by following the “program” you set forth.
STOP TALKING.
It is a sure guarantee an adolescent will avoid the truth like the plague if you act as judge and jury every time he or she tries to share it with you.
Relish the fact your kid trusts your judgment enough to come to you in the first place. Listen without criticism. Your teen may simply be processing information and will come up with the appropriate answer on his own. If you do feel a need to respond, do it without judgment. Use statements such as “my experience with this is ...” or “my concern with this choice is ...” that include when their behavior has affected you. If you have signed a contract with your son that you will pick him up from a party, so he doesn’t drive home drunk, no questions asked, live up to your part of the contractual obligation. No questions asked. Stay quiet. There’s no need to go into the dangers of teenage alcohol abuse. He knows. That’s why he called you.
AND MOST OF ALL REMEMBER LOVE.
Sometimes when Mr. or Miss I-Know-It-
All-And-You-Are-The-Biggest-Idiot-on-thePlanet goes into rebellion mode, we tend to forget who they are.
Remember, the kid who crashed your convertible because he thought it more important to fi nd a certain CD than watch the road is the same one who pulled over to help a frightened turtle cross the road last week. And remind him who you are: someone he can count on for love and support.
