WHAT’S INSIDE: + STEPS TO STAY GREEN AT SPRING FLING + EXCUSES FOR HAVING ALCOHOL ON OLD CAMPUS DURING SPRING FLING + GUIDE TO THE SPRING FLING CROWD + BINGO! PLACES TO VOMIT AT SPRING FLING
Dear Spring Flingers! It’s Spring Fling: that wonderful event where we blow off steam before finals by listening to artists we “sort of” know, getting blackout drunk, and waking up at the front of Battell Chapel wearing a stranger’s pants. But releasing your own pressure has a way of putting pressure on Mother Nature, so follow these helpful tips to make your Spring Fling sustainable. 1. Maximize the speakers’ efficiency and optimize Old Campus’s acoustics by cutting down the sound-absorbing trees. 2. Eliminate all of the litter in the middle of Old Campus by setting fire to the grass. 3. Don’t let your waste go to waste! Instead of using a disgusting Porta Potty, fertilize the grass with your excrement. 4. Make sure to save all the bodily fluids you lose for later consumption. 5. It might get cold that night. So that you don’t have to turn on your heater, fashion yourself a warm fur coat with a few dozen Old Campus squirrels. 6. To keep your food and beverage consumption organic, drink only whole-grain alcohol. 7. Singing causes people to exhale carbon dioxide, so if you see someone singing during the concert, make sure to smack him. 8. Take twenty of these paper flyers, so that you’ll be twenty times as informed about how to help your environment! Stay green! —STEP
EXCUSES FOR HAVING ALCOHOL AT SPRING FLING “It goes well with my prescription drugs.” “I want to be just like my dad.” “It’s an ironic beer.” “Dean Mary Miller asked me to hold it for “I need it for Communion.” her.” “It’s for you!” “I’m an alcoholic.” “I’m making cherries jubilee with the “I need it to sanitize my feet.” Chaplain’s office.” “It pairs nicely with my Camembert.” “It’s for my organic tomato garden.” “I have a Dean’s excuse!”