FEBRUARY 14TH, 2025
StudLife Continues to Have Sex Issues
Mudd Field Trees Cut Down; Thneeds Now Sold at Campus Bookstore
Tragic: Harvey Weinstein Found Alive Amidst California Burnt Wreckage
Slow Walkers Banned from Greek Rush
S.A.R.A.H. Joins RSVP Center Orgy
PRICE: $5, V-CARD ONLY
We needed a vice. We were desperate for a rush but unwilling to forsake our piety. We turned to the electric skateboard. It was our way to zip past plebeian sex-having pedestrians and take back our rightful superiority in the social and spiritual order. Those simple acoustic skateboarders pushing with their legs all day, they probably canât even use them for all the kicking during sex. Note to take out later: Google if there is kicking during sex. Not like our perfectly rested, pristinely groomed legs that sit atop our board. And, sure, we love hearing the âwhirrrrrrrâ of a board, the sweet sweet sound of a tiny motor encased in plastic getting the job done for us that we donât have the knowledge nor effort to complete. But unlike our crush on Gwen from Total Drama Island, this love affair might not be timeless.
Virgins, we are pure, principled, and righteous individuals. But when the sinful walk on campus and watch us speed-mog them, that desired message is not coming across. Instead of seeing us as elevated leaders of the com-
munity, they think of us as âobnoxiousâ and âthat asshole that keeps cutting me off on the way to class.â Maybe they were just jostled because getting run over by an electric skateboarder would finally send them to hell for all of the sinning they have done.
To play devilâs advocate (literally), maybe they arenât thinking about where they will end up after this life and just want to end up in Wrighton Hall for Chem Lab. Yes, I am thinking just what you are thinking. According to the Bible, our lives are worth ten of theirs because they have committed the sin of premarital sex. But still, I would not want to lose a tenth of a virgin brother on my darkest day. So maybe we stop taking these lesser lives or threatening to with increasingly close calls along Mudd Field, at least to avoid them getting caught in our sick light-up wheels.
But what now? Where can we turn to without our trusty eboards? Jerking off? No, that was banned in the state of Mississippi. Having sex? HA, a jest I
Narcissist J.D. Vance Makes His Degree His First Name
You swore it would never happen to you. When you met Steven last fall in your 9AM Stats recitation, you were thinner than a thumbtack. Brandy Melville employees approached you first. Your portrait hung proudly on the walls of Ozempic clinic waiting rooms. Alpha Phi unabashedly offered you a bid (and youâre a spring semester freshman, you havenât even rushed yet). Steven, tooâhe never missed the opportunity to spend early mornings before class in Sumers and to post about it on his Instagram story with a ring light tripod for his phone, even if all he ever actually did was cardio. He always came to Stats sweating like a glazed donut, and now he canât stop eating them. With you. The two of you. Together.
But now here you both are, five months later, bearing a frightening resemblance to the double chin filter on Snapchat you used to jokingly send to your Snapchat BFF list. How could it possibly have happened? Ever since BD introduced their Eat-EverythingIn-Sight program, you promised to limit yourself to one Collins Farms panini per break-betweenclasses. You thought everything at Collins Farms was supposed to be organicâisnât that why they take decades to fulfill orders? Could their salmon beâŠno, could it possibly be farm raised?!
If you, reader, have found yourself in this conundrum and intend to fit into your cowboy boots come Nashville, look no further. Below is a foolproof list of adorably slimming date ideas to encourage you and your WashU
hunk (dare I say oxymoron?) to actually adhere to your New Yearâs resolutions this Valentineâs Day.
1. Become an insufferable pickleball couple. Better yet, use the tennis courts along frat row so that the noble men of Sigma Nu can admire your agility and athleticism (or lack thereof) from their front yard and feel remorse for booting Steven from the brotherhood. Did I mention heâs a senior?
2. Commemorate your relationship by baking a cake with ingredient substitutes. Nothing says âI Love You Mostâ like a heart-shaped cake baked with silken tofu, flax seeds, applesauce, mashed bananas, cottage cheese and wheat flour. Martha Stewart would be so proud.
3. Go to Sushi Ai for all-you-caneat but only order two rolls. And ask for one of them with no rice. Your student discount will make it worth your while.
4. Have high-intensity-intervalsex (HIIS). Yes, I know this is supposed to be the Abstinence Issue, but for your little situation, exceptions can be made. The trick is to start explosive and remain that way until you climax (or collapse, whatever comes first). Great for your cardiovascular health. Not so great for your downstairs neighbors.
5. Transfer into the McKelvey School of Engineering. I know, I know, youâre already trying to transfer into Olin. Would you possibly reconsider? The trek from Koenig to Simon is next to none. Your Apple Watch wouldnât even record it as a workout. Since this is a date idea, spend your evening
am sure. Sketching caricatures on the boardwalk? We donât have a boardwalk. And even if we did I would rather land on Park Place. Life without our boards may seem bleak but I have got the solution. Rock climbing! No better way to get our rocks off, metaphorically of course, than to strap on a harness and get sweaty with your fellow virgins. Rock climbing already features many maneuvers and positions to alleviate stress while keeping yourself holy. From top roping to self-belaying, we will find a new type of release on the wall. Now with this plan of action I think we can just walk to class like the sex-having normals. Itâs lonely at the top of Mount Virtue.
filling out each otherâs transfer applications. This is a great pre-marriage indication of how much heâs actually been paying attention.
6. Organize a student protest. Are you both passionate about something? No, really, it can be anything. What better way to bond over your mutual interests than spearheading a radical movement thatâs bound to effectuate a schoolwide email from the Chancellor? Bonus points if you keep good form while you march. Slight forward lean, shoulders relaxed, core engaged. You could even duct-tape dumbbells to your homemade poster and shoulder press it while you travel. Your speech may or may not be free here at WashU, but at least this workout is.
7. Break up. If it truly is "relationship weight," itâs bound to vanish with the relationship, right? Then youâll be eligible to post one of those dramatic before-and-after Instagram weight loss collages with an unseemly amount of hashtags. #75Hard has never looked #SoEasy. Weâre four weeks out from spring break, so thereâs no better time than now. If you are genuinely concerned about a potential WashU-induced weight gain, I advise you wander around and pretend to look lost at a Whole Foods Market. There is also a certain university microcelebrity with social media content designed to augment abdominal definition whose name I shall not provide due to lack of promotional compensation. May determination and persistence be your guide. Cheers.
Hey Bruh,
Iâve heard your concernâlet me tell you, every one of us ligma chi bros has been there: you're thinking youre Dora the Explore-her, Santa delivering gifts on Clitmas, or Sherlock Holmes in the Case of the Missing Clit. Then your girl hits you with the âit's right hereâ... You realize youâve been DJing the wrong set the whole time. Youâve been dropping bangers on an empty dance floorâthe real party was three feet to the left.
Bro, when I tell you this humbled the fuck out of me. But hear me out bro: the clit isnât some final destination you actually have to reach, it's not some âepicenter of female pleasure.â I'm not a fucking bio major. And just because weâre doing Carplay doesnât mean Iâve got a GPS.
I say we take a step back and listen to the wise words of our pledge master Brad Bradley, who once drank his own piss. He said: it is not about finding the clit, it
is about the friends we make along the way. I am hitting Bradley from the backâI mean piggybacking off of Bradley now as I emphasize his wise words. Is the clit even the point? Or a distraction from what really matters? Last time I got some action, my journey to âfindâ the clit allowed me to replay the entire Sound of Music movie in my head, including the intermission. Some other ligmas said they too used this time searching for the clit to attend to their own matters. Member of PC â22 Noah Smith was able to draft his Econ 413 paper, with footnotes. His paper actually got published in the school's law review.
If finding the clit was actually so important, it would've come with an instructional guide. Maybe a large neon sign? It's not even offered in braille. Instead we are all fumbling around like we are playing some sick version of pin-the-tail-on-thedonkey. Donât even get me started on the âit's right hereâ bit. Like bitch where? Is the clit in the room with us right now??
But here is the beauty of finding the clitâit doesnât matter. The clit is not some magical destination, but the journey is what brings us bros together. God, sometimes I even think of my boys when I am trying to find it.
So, the next time you embark on this mythical quest, remember Brad Bradleyâs golden words: itâs not about finding the clit, itâs about the friends we make along the way. And if sheâs really that bothered by it, she can always send you a map or ask Alexa. Or not. Who cares? Let's go pee on a statue.
We reached out to clubs on campus who so graciously provided us with photos of them having fun while fully-clothed.
We also took the liberty of putting the clothes back on these StudLife photos
WUnderground is WashUâs premier (only) satirical newspaper (est. 2004) and should be taken about as seriously as the roundearthers.
The news reported by this paper is fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.
OVERLORDS
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Celia Rattner, Adam Kirsch
Editor-in-Chief
Ashna Ramiah
Treasurer
Neil Chavan
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Ella Majd
Townsend Baird
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Shira Aronow
Nicole Backal
Townsend Baird
Riley Card
Chirag Choudhary
Ruby Cover
Rafe Epstein
Hannah Gallin
Nina Giraldo
Emma Hait
Solveig Hicks
Paul Kuemmel
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Jacob Libin
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Follow or block us on Instagram @wunderground.washu
Robert Jared McFarland is a Junior in the WashU Olin business school. He has a 3.7 GPA, is a member of the Kappa Sigma fraternity (lol), and has a long-distance girlfriend who goes to University of Tampa.
McFarland is currently applying to internships in private equity and wealth management, although he has always aspired to open his own shop that serves marijuana and has a sauna in the back called the âMarisauna.â
McFarland has a kind heart but has difficulties with impulse control, and tends to become deeply infatuated with internet trends. Aside from obsessively calling himself a âYN,â he participated in last yearâs âNo Nut Novemberâ challenge and took it all the way through this February, which is where we intercept our dear friend.
Following months of self-proclaimed âSnakeSlapping Celibacy,â McFarland fell back into old habits of masturbating before and after each meal.
âHow am I supposed to eat when Iâm uptight?â he crudely asked a WUnderground correspondent who winced in fear and shriveled up at the remark. But he insisted on continuing, calling her and all women âsoftâ and claimed he would never meet with a female reporter again.
What he called âan affinity for self-careâ quickly devolved into a hyper fixation. McFarland lost his girlfriend Halle Berry due to his habit and was kicked out of his fraternity, stripping him of all social standing and clout.
With nothing left, McFarland resolved to at least get âa fire GPAâ and prove the haters wrong with a âlowkey tuff internship from McKinsey.â
While McFarland's habit was off putting and he alienated several women by claiming his chronic masturbation to be âbody positivityâhe generally didnât bother spending time with women unless
âtheyâre down to fuckâ so it didnât affect his life.
That is, until he received a message earlier this January that turned his life upside down. Turns out he had made one crucial mistake: whenever he choked his chicken, it was on the Eduroam network.
McFarland received an email from Dr. G saying:
Dear Mr. McFarland,
We usually donât do this, but in your exceptional circumstance we have elected to boot yo ass from dis school. We have a preset limit at 2500 porns per semester. See ya!
Although distraught, McFarland still claims to be âkillin the gameâ and wants everyone to know he is âhappy to have left this mid ass cityâ and is âtaking down 10s in the city.â
McFarland now resides in his parentsâ multimillion dollar apartment on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.
Thisisanactivestory.
After months of posting sepia-toned engagement photos with their dog, tagging each other in pictures of their brunch on their Instagram story, and letting you know just how many days remain until their wedding in Orlando, that religious couple on campus who got married ridiculously young have had sex. Yes, at the mere cost of a $60,000 wedding and the signing of legal documents financially binding them to each other, Ella and Ethan are now free of the Lordâs wrath against premarital sex and can jump each otherâs bones. In lieu of any entertaining WashU sports coverage to check in on, we thought weâd catch up with these newlyweds in a post-game style press conference on their sex life.
Interviewer: I hear congratulations are in order, guys! How was the wedding? How are you feeling?
Ella: Oh, the wedding was magical⊠Iâm in a whole new world! We got married at Disneyâinside Cinderellaâs castle of courseâand honeymooned at Universal. We wore matching His and Her earsâand my veil even had a hidden Mickey on it! Iâm just so happyâI canât believe Iâve finally found my Prince Charming.
Interviewer: Ethan?
Ethan: UhhhâŠyea. I agree with Ella. Interviewer: Um cool, thanksâŠwell, this is a little awkward, but our readers want to know: you guys waited until marriage, right? How was that?
Ella: Yes, yes, we did wait, and Iâm so glad we did. Iâm so grateful that I honored the Lord in this way and didnâtâŠdefile my body like many of the other girls here at school. Itâs just likeâŠIâm glad I actually have some respect for myself! LOL!
Interviewer: And Ethan? Was waiting an important decision for you too?
Ethan: UhhhâŠyeah. Waiting was so awesome. It wasnât hard for me at all. I loved not having sex with my girlfriend. For three years.
Interviewer: And how about now?
*winks* Howâs it been?
Ella: Well, this is maybe a little spicy, but, yeah you can say I like doing sexïżœïżœ. We do allllll the positions. Missionary, missionary on the left side, missionary on the right side, anal, etc.. You know, all that! Hehe! And Iâve been reading lots of spicy books to get tips, too.
Ethan really likes it.
Ethan: Lmao. Hell yeah, babe.
Interviewer: âŠIâm sorry, did you say anal? And how did you say that emoji out loud?
Ella: Sometimes we even have sex in the morningâŠweâre so bad!
With the spring semester in full swing, things around here are heating up. Freshmen who havenât already busted their course loads by skipping all of their classes are still getting thirsty running from place to place. Surely these incels will soon realize that carrying six 900-page textbooks and a Thinkpad while sprinting from Dardick to Cupples II with little time to wet their whistles will make them too hot (and bothered) to handle. To help make that canon event come faster, we at WUnderground have the answer: soaking! After all, youâve got to hydrate so you donât die-drate! Your body is a temple and youâve gotta treat it right. Thereâs really no right way to do it, so here are our top 5 soaking techniques to help you blow off steam between classes:
My married girls know where itâs at, right? LOL!!! And what I really like is how enthusiastic Ethan is about the whole ~doing sex~ thing. Before we were married, I donât think he even knew what it was. And now itâs like⊠he canât get enough!!! LOL!!! I just love seeing my man try new things:)
Interviewer: Ethan, care to comment? Ethan: Yeah I definitely had no clue what sex was. I also definitely didnât have a porn addiction.
Ella: AwâŠyouâre so silly, Ethan! Let it be noted that Ethan and Ella started making out extremely intensely here. This included a lot of butt-grabbing, sloppy tongue action,
Berries in Açai: The Non-Valentineâs Day Collins Farms Açai Bowl
This classic is perfect for you and your fruity âfriends.â It feels so wrong but it tastes so good. Spoon it, stir it, and lick up the bowl for the best results. Açai-soaked berries will explode with flavor, allowing you to really taste the rainbow.
Boba in Tea: The Classic Brown Sugar
When youâve taken one sip, youâll always be left wanting more. Get at it with your favorite non-MPS study partner. Grab that straw, go in with a bang, and see who can make theirs last the longest. Itâll be so hard to stop sucking up these brown sugar boba balls. Always remember, nice guys finish last!
Chaâbaddie Tee in Holy Water: SelfExplanatory
If youâre praying to pass your WGSS midterm, donât sweat it in there, silly! We recommend pulling up already wet. Females will forever be a mystery for some, but youâll be sure to get lucky in this fit.
and Ella jumping into Ethanâs lap to straddle him.
Interviewer: Well, it has just been great talking to you guys.
Ella, very clearly giving Ethan a handjob: Awwww, you too! Have a blessed day.
Ethan: UghhhhhhhhhhhhâŠ.oh yeahâŠ.
Grilled Cheese in Tomato Soup: The "Ibbyâs on a Budget" Special This quickie is a great way to make sure youâre satiated and ready to rumble. The addictive, salty, gorgeous sandy will melt in your mouth after being dipped into your personal bowl of fresh, juicy tomato bisque. The cheese will have you saying âcrazy pullâ and youâll be feeling like a new man after taking a bite of this snack.
Up Knowledge: wink wink You never know what you might learn if you just take everything in.
