Kamala Harris Does Interview on Fox News To Win Over Animal Rights Activist Vote
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St. Louis Pharmaceutical Scientists Develop Gateway Arch Drug Which Just Makes People Move to More Dangerous Cities
ArtSci IQ Requirements Increased to 120
Overheard on Frat
Row: Why is there an East Asian library and a Brown library but no White library?
Guy Who Loves Red Hat Can't Wait For Election To Be Over
Jack Off All Trades? Do You Know How Long That Would Take?
PRICE: COLLINS ACAI BOWL
Missouri Ballot Measure Threatens to Ban All Gender Reveal Parties
A controversial Missouri ballot measure is garnering support across the aisle. This November at the ballot box, residents will be asked to vote “Yea” or “Nay” on articles 1-8. While sports gambling, police funding, and reproductive rights are shaping up to be contested battles, Amendment 7’s proposed ban on gender reveal parties is polling at an astounding 87% approval rate. Conservative pundits lead outcry against gender reveal parties, calling them “pre-birth gender surgeries.” Simultaneously, liberals have long held issues with the gatherings, such as upholding the gender binary and discriminating against people of colorblindness. In a recent speech, Jill Stein encouraged her supporters to vote yes on 7, referencing forest fires and lack of green representation. It seems only the sports gamblers are voting no, trembling at the thought of placing one less prop bet.
Meanwhile, candidate polling has revealed a contentious battle between the parties. Results indicate that the
birthday party is leading, with a narrow margin over the engagement party. Key measures indicate the cocktail party is an up-and-coming threat. Proponents of the house party have declined in numbers, but those of the housewarming party have remained strong. Battleground states remain divided on the bachelorette party. Polls are giving the edge to the dinner party over the tea party, but the race remains neck and neck. Unexpectedly, the surprise party has emerged as a contender. Ap-
proval rates have soared for the after party, but the block party has remained stagnant over the past thirty years. Results are a toss-up for the pizza party. The pool party was disqualified after no one runs. The beach party is in hot water after recent allegations. Identification remains unclear with the costume party. Public can’t tell if a frat party is cool or not–while younger voters are on the train, older voters are disenchanted. In any case, the farewell party isn’t going anywhere.
Op-Ed: I Misinterpreted Outing Club
If you’re like me, you may have assumed that Outing Club’s activities consisted entirely of pitching tents on Mudd Field, occupying every single hammock station on campus, and occasionally hugging trees, but apparently they actually hold meetings.
After failing to avoid eye contact as I trudged purposefully through the Activities Fair, I reluctantly relinquished my email address to a very convincing-looking Outing Club recruiter, clad in abnormally high waisted Patagonia Baggies and an ushanka in an obscure browngreenorange color despite the sun beaming down at a harsh 92 degrees. And as soon as I knew it, I was DRIVING to their discreet meeting location (so much for the environment), which turned out to just be REI in Brentwood Square. We crammed together between a bunch of kayaks of all different neon colors. Two particularly sinister-looking exec members asked everyone to go around in a circle and say our names, pronouns, majors, and sexualities, the latter leaving me extremely perplexed. But nonetheless we sheep obliged as the execs jot-
ted notes on a repurposed piece of tree bark. As I looked around the circle, a scrawny guy in a Charli XCX shirt to my left and a pink-haired girl with fish earrings to my right, I wondered why no one else was spiraling out.
Following introductions, returning Outing Club members stood up simultaneously and began to distribute leaflets to us newcomers, each with the face of a WashU student. A few I recognized: my freshman year suitemate, that girl on EST who’s always disruptive on the third floor of Olin, this guy who auditioned for a capella with me last year and was rejected for messing up the lyrics to “Rehab” by Amy Winehouse. “These are the most recent students we’ve clocked,” said one of the exec members coolly. “In the next few days, you’ll all be required to scatter these photo prints around campus if you want to solidify your definitive membership into Outing Club.” I noticed some of the new recruits turning the leaflets over to their backsides, so I did the same. NEWLY GAY, one of them read. OUT TO A SELECT FEW CLOSE FRIENDS. I checked out another: CATCHER ON THE BASEBALL TEAM, HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT. Then a returning member came around and slapped these shimmery rainbow stickers onto each leaflet in my hands. She slapped one on my forehead, too. Once the meeting was adjourned, I tapped one of the new recruits on the shoulder and led her away from the group, concealed behind a rack of Arc’teryx jackets. I asked her if she knew what was going on. “Well, duh, it’s Outing Club,” she replied with a funny look on her face. “In order to go out with them, you have to help them out.” And then we left REI, each with 15 leaflets in our hands. What a waste of paper.
WashU Chokes: I Attended the WashU Sexual
Choking Lecture So YOU Didn’t Have To!
On the chilly evening of September 30th, 2024 I attended a lecture in Graham Chapel about how to consensually sexually choke people. It was gratifying to be surrounded by so many unwed scholar champions passionate about bondage, discipline, sadism, and of course masochism. The energy was titillating among the students who were so eager to learn in the house of God. Attendees were first taught about the concept of consent, and how one must be “alert,” “enthusiastic,” and not like an animal or dead body or anything to give it. They then filled out a Poll Everywhere survey, which was actually just the Rice
Purity Test followed by a consent form for the rest of the lecture where audience members collectively came up with a safeword they would use if they wanted to leave.
During the next hour, spectators were subjected to live demonstrations of six new sexual chokeholds discovered here at WashU by undergraduate researchers in the CL&T department. Accordingly, the throttles were named after the places they were first observed: The Dard*ck, The Fun Room, The Cyclotron Particle Accelerator, The Cupples II, the BD, ¹ and The StudLife Office. Each position was rated based on its level of ease, necessary
stamina, strength, and whether or not attempts are recommended directly following BeastCraft consumption. All attendees were then split up into pairs for practice. Anyone in the room could tell that it was a truly stimulating lecture, and it finished pleasurably with all participants feeling satisfied. One student who wishes to remain anonymous told WUnderground, “I came for science.” Another said, “This lecture had a happier ending than in Book Club!” WUnderground reporters look forward to RSVPing for future events like this, on behalf of you of course.
¹ SM
Is Your New Roommate A Ghost?
Ah, autumn. The metaphorical teenage years of the first semester of your freshman year. By now, you’ve probably settled into a good routine: figured out how to study for that class, talked to that guy you like, maybe even learned your limits with alcohol (don’t worry you definitely haven’t!). But as the spookiest time of the year comes upon us, it’s important to figure out that one crucial question:
Is your freshman roommate actually the ghost of a little girl who died in a fire in 1925?
Here are some helpful ways to figure it out:
Is your roommate roughly 4'7", always clothed in the same little girl’s dress, and wearing pigtails?
Does she have a transatlantic accent and a perpetual blue glow around her? Is her body translucent? If so, she might be the ghost of a little girl who died in a fire in 1925.
When you are watching a movie and you offer her popcorn, do you watch her put the piece of popcorn in her mouth and then it immediately falls through her translucent body onto the ground? If so, she might be the ghost of a little girl who died in a fire in 1925.
Has she ever uttered the sentence, “Pa perished in the Great War, Ma from the Spanish influenza, and me, well the fire of ‘25 got me!” Or “Jiminy Crickets, I sure wish I hadn’t died in that fire!” (bonus points if these things were said while she stared wistfully at her reflection in a wishing well, or while gazing out dramatically over a balcony) If so, she might be the ghost of a little girl who died in a fire in 1925.
When your friends come over to your suite to pregame, are they for some reason unable to see your room-
mate–whose name is Lil' Rebecca— even though you can clearly see that she is standing right there, shotgunning a Twea and muttering about the fire (Classic Lil' Rebecca)? If so, she might be the ghost of a little girl who died in a fire in 1925.
Have you ever been hooking up with a guy when out of the corner of your eye you see Lil' Rebecca walk into your room and yell “Leapin Lizards! You hussy!” At which point you yell, “Lil' Rebecca, get out of here!”, causing your hookup to look behind him, see no one, and respond, “Damn, your dirty talk sure is weird.” Again, most likely the ghost of a little girl who died in a fire in 1925 (but also could just be a pervert).
If you answered yes to one or more of the above, there’s a good chance your roommate is the ghost of a little girl who died in a fire in 1925 and is named Lil' Rebecca. Happy fall!
Opinion Submission: Shut Down WUnderground: Satire Papers Deserve No Peace
Satire papers do exist on this campus. And they are a menace. I have conducted multiple interviews with an anonymous source (who is definitely not my friend) who went through the recruitment process for one such publication, WUnderground. And I am on a crusade to expose the inner-workings of this paper.
My friend (who I will refer to as “anonymous source” instead of a pseudonym) involved me in WUnderground, even though I was not a member. I carried the weight of keeping WUnderground’s secrets, like why they’re all so attractive and naturally hilarious. My anonymous source lied to me about their involvement in the satire paper and forced me to lie, isolating me from my friends. When people would speculate about the face behind WUnderground’s Instagram posts, I had to pretend like I knew nothing. Now, I walk around campus in fear. Fear that a knock-knock joke
from a passerby will unleash my PTSD. I struggle with being on campus at night, scared that I may come across a pun in the wild. It’s hard to keep my thoughts in check. When I wake up in the morning, the first words out of my mouth are “yo mama.” I grieve the person I was before I was aware of WUnderground.
To paint a picture of the true insidiousness of WUnderground, let me provide one (1) concrete example. My anonymous source was recruited in the fall of 2023 in an email: “Please keep the night of Thursday and Friday open for callbacks.” Though she went of her
WUnderground is WashU’s premier (only) satirical newspaper (est. 2004) and should be taken about as seriously as the roundearthers.
The news reported by this paper is fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.
OVERLORDS
Presidents
Celia Rattner, Adam Kirsch
Editor-in-Chief
Ashna Ramiah
Treasurer
Neil Chavan
Social Chair
Ella Majd
Ashna Ramiah
Townsend Baird
Shira Aronow
Nicole Backal
Townsend Baird
Riley Card
Chirag Choudhary
Ruby Cover
Rafe Epstein
Hannah Gallin
Nina Giraldo
Emma Hait
Solveig Hicks
Paul Kuemmel
Solly Lerman
Jacob Libin
Eli Litman
Ellie Perlmutter
Patrick Riley
Sydney Schneider
Diya Shadaksharappa
Elie Weitzman
own volition, my anonymous source was subject to scrutiny and ridicule during the “callbacks.” How was she supposed to know that a satire paper would ask her to create funny content? The recruitment process quickly accelerated to wordplay, niche references, and jokes with accents. My anonymous source felt incredible anxiety, being asked to perform at the callback that she willingly showed up to of her own accord.
This is my only evidence. But it clearly demonstrates the danger that satire papers pose. Being in a satire paper can damage or sever a member’s relationships. My anonymous source often leaves for an hour at a time, once a week, and comes back all giggly and full of ideas. It’s disgusting. If you are approached by or receive an email from WUnderground, do not engage. To those involved in WUnderground’s product, I hope you feel shame. I am calling on the WUnderground Executive Board to step down. You know who you are.
Alex Wills
Follow or block us on Instagram @wunderground.washu
Halloween Advice Column
ever. Here’s our advice:
Is it appropriate to dress as Dr. G?
It’s actually Dr. G’s monster.
What’s a sexy costume that I can get away with on parents’ weekend? Mesopotamian
Things S.U. Bought To Go Broke
10. Declaration of Dependence
9. Everything bagel with everything actually on it
Keep your eyes closed and just feel for the
How do I hook up while wearing my Curious George onesie? Is it in bad taste to dress as the Trump shooter? (Asking for a friend)
As long as you don’t miss this time! What is the scariest thing you have seen under a white sheet?
Wait. Which weekend is supposed to be Halloweekend? Hi, I think my boyfriend is gay. What do I do? Should I still ask him to do a couples costume?
I think I might be bicurious George, what do I do?
Yes! Ask his best friend to join you in your challengers
2.
shirts saying “We spent all of SU’s funds and all I got was this lousy t-shirt”
Regardless of your side on the relevant StudLife op-ed debate, it’s clear that Sabrina Carpenter is that good at arousing feelings among college students. Last week, the WashU Department of Psychology tested just how aroused students can get: over three weeks, students in Psych 100 listened to songs from “Short n’ Sweet” while completing their everyday tasks such as homework, exercise, and reading 100,000 words of erotic omegaverse fanfiction. Levels of arousal were measured through biometric and selfreport as well as behaviors such as moving it down, left, right. We interviewed researchers and participants to get a Taste of their experiences.
“From Spotify to Tiktok to Fun Fridays at the DUC, our students can’t catch a break from this five-foot femme fatale. We need to be studying what this does to a person.” explained researchers.
“I was taking the 111 exam when Espresso started playing,” an anonymous student said. “All the p-orbitals started to look so… phallic.”
Riney hall dirt pile
Talking stage Parking passes
Dress to Impress VIP
Fracking the 40
Devils advocate fund to counteract Jehovah’s witnesses
10 more wishes
A group of professors banded together after suspecting that it was no Coincidence that half their students missed exams on the day of the Sabrina concert last week. It was later reported that WashU students were apprehended for howling and attempting to climb on stage, falling further out of Good Graces.
In response, the Catholic Student Center created The Carpenter Initiative in order to reshape these troubled young minds, streaming Girl Meets World in Graham Chapel every Monday at 6 pm while giving students the chance to take communion wafers and accept Jesus Christ into their lives.
Community members hope this research will lead students to experience “a normal amount” of arousal or at least like chill out on Sidechat a little. In any case, it’s clear Sabrina’s clever sexual innuendo and catchy melodies have left a mark on Billboard’s Hot 100 and the hallowed halls of our horny campus.
