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Written and compiled by Edna Thomas
JOURNEY THROUGH GRIEF: COPING WITH SUDDEN, UNEXPECTED DEATH OF A LOVED ONE!
“When someone you loved die unexpectedly, you get caught up in the world of disbelief, anger and so many unanswered questions; how could this be? How can you live without your loved one? Nothing makes sense. Confusion takes resident in your life and you walk around in a state of shock”
Journeying through this type of grief, we can sometimes find ourselves being angry at God for the sudden unexpected death of our loved one. This can cause us to feel guilty and unable to share our thoughts with anyone for fear of being judged. If you find yourself in this situation, don’t allow your feelings to take you from the presence of the Lord. The Bible says, "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love" (Psalm 145:8).
Sudden Unexpected Death (SUD)- What is it?
• It is death without warning
A psychologist described the sudden, unexpected death like this: We prefer to believe that our loved ones are safe from harm. We assume that accidents and illnesses will bypass them, so when tragedy strikes suddenly, we go into shock. Our entire being vibrates with a single word: Why? A sudden death shakes you to the core. You can't turn away from it; you can't reason with it. You know that life will never be the same”.
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Another writer said that, a sudden unexpected death brings particular feelings and issues. Shock and disbelief are caused by the unexpected and devastating nature of the experience. While you can never feel completely prepared for a death, a sudden death leaves a person feeling particularly vulnerable.
What is Grief? – It is our internal expression of our loss
Grief is always moving, like any journey, some portion will be harder and more demanding than others. In grief, so much is painful, sad, and frustrating. Some parts of your grief path will be more rocky, uphill, and challenging. You can only take one step at a time and live one moment at a time (Gary Roe).
“Grief is painful; grief is a part of life. In the same manner in which Jesus allowed Martha and Mary to express their grief of their brother’s death, and He Himself wept; so He lets us grieve” (John 11:3335).
The Sudden Unexpected Death of a Loved One
Sudden and unexpected deaths have very different causes. However, what unites them all is that they are “unexpected” and consequently un-anticipated”.
There are different types of sudden unexpected loss; for example:
• Deaths through violent acts
• Suicide
• Heart attack
• Death through violent acts
• Stroke
• Miscarriage, stillbirth, at or after birth
• Road Accidents
• Undiagnosed advanced terminal illness, such as advanced cancer
“When the illness is known but the loved one passes before their expected time, this is also deemed as a sudden or unexpected death. For homicides, and some accidents, a trial could greatly prolong the grieving process. If you’re experiencing this, take courage in knowing that, “hope in God is the one thing that can help you get through the darkest of times”.
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Sudden Unexpected Death: Reflection of a Grieving Person
“When I heard of the sudden unexpected death of my loved one, I immediately went into the denial stage of grief (numbness, shock and disbelief). How can this be”? this can’t be happening! What was suppose to a joyful time, turned into despair and deep sadness. Denial was followed by anger at the unfairness of the loss. In searching for answers, I questioned God- “ How can this be? I don’t understand why this has happened? Please let it not be true. In almost the same breath, I was asking God to comfort our hearts, to give us the strength to cope” .
We can sometimes find ourselves being angry at God for the sudden unexpected death of a loved one. When this happens, it can cause us to feel guilty and unable to share this with anyone for fear of being judged. If you find yourself in this situation, don’t allow your feelings to take you from the presence of the Lord. The Bible says, "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love" (Psalm 145:8).
Common Grief Reactions
Feelings include: shock, numbness, sadness, denial, anger, guilt, helplessness, depression, and yearning.
Thoughts: disbelief, confusion, difficulty concentrating, pre-occupation.
Physical: tightness and heaviness in the chest or throat, nausea or stomach upset, headaches, muscle weakness, tension, or fatigue.
Behaviours: Difficulty sleeping, loss of interest in daily activities, and becoming more aggressive or irritable.
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A Thought
“Grief is painful; grief is a part of life. In the same manner in which Jesus allowed Martha and Mary to express their grief at their brother’s death, and He Himself wept; so, He lets us grieve” (John 11:3335).
The death of a loved one is never easy, but it is even harder and more difficult to grasp when you’ve lost them through sudden unexpected death. No time for comforting words, no time to say goodbye, no time for unfinished business to be resloved, no time to forgive or be forgiven, and no time to say “I love you”.
Sudden Unexpected Death- A Grieving person’s Reflection
Everyone expects me to get over the loss of my unborn baby. Every time I talk about how I am feeling, I am told that I should accept the situation and move on. This makes me feel sad…. I cannot do this!… how can I forget my beloved little one? So I try not to talk about my loss, I just keep my feelings to myself even though at times the feelings are unbearable.
▪ Remember that acceptance doesn’t mean forgetting your loved one. You will always remember your loved one.
Grieving Sudden Unexpected Death Through Suicide
One writer says this about suicide; you are experiencing a storm of emotions and feelings. First, you are experiencing the natural response of deep grief. Someone you know and loved has died, so you feel the emptiness and deep sorrow of loss. That alone is extremely hard. But suicide adds many other painful reactions to the heartache that death brings (David Powlison-Grieving Suicide: Help for the After Shock).
According to another writer, stigma of suicide can prevent people from seeking help when they need it and others from offering support when they want to. It can colour our perceptions, our
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thoughts and our actions – and we may not always be aware of it (Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide).
Sudden unexpected grief can cause the bereaved person to travel down a dark road-like walking through the deepest valley (Psalm 23). If you’re not careful it could hold you captive to the extent that you might struggle to find your way back.
The Bereavement Café would like to encourage all those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, especially through sudden unexpected death that, “you are not climbing the mountain or walking in the deepest valley of grief on your own. Take comfort in knowing that our God is walking right beside you every step of the way. When you’re tired, He will carry you; when the pain of grief is overbearing, He will comfort you; When you’re tired, He will give you rest, and when you’re weak, He’ll give you strength”.
During these challenging times, it is normal to seek answers regarding the sudden unexpected death in order to make sense of this tragic loss. However, it is helpful to bear in mind that you may not find the answers you’re looking for. Take courage in knowing that the Good Shepherd will guide you to the springs of living waters. He will wipe away the tears from your eyes and comfort your heart. Our God will never leave one of His flocks on their own.
Remember also that you may not be able to stop negative thoughts from passing through your mind or unhealthy emotions such as fear, worries, or anxiety gripping your heart, but we can definitely anchor our thoughts and emotions on the unshakable Word of God” (Joseph Prince).
Please Note!
If you’re feeling overwhelmed with the sudden unexpected death of your loved one, finding it difficult to cope with the grieving process. experiencing loneliness, struggling to cope on your own, or if you don’t feel able to discuss your feelings with family or friends, please don’t sit in silence, contact your GP or seek support from counselling professionals (list of contact below).
• Cruse Bereavement Support: Offers telephone, face-to-face, and online support for all types of loss.
• Samaritans: 24/7 support for anyone in distress. Call 116 123.
• Grief Encounter: Specialized support for children and young people. Call 0808 802 0111 (Weekdays 9am-9pm).
Responses to Grief- (Norman Wright –Experiencing Grief)
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▪ Through grief you express your feelings about loss; and you invite others to walk with you.
▪ You express the affects you have experienced from the devastating impact of the loss.
▪ Through grief, you may experience God in a new way that will change your life like Job.
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▪ “Didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to hold their hand and look them in the eyes. I didn’t get to tell them all they meant to me, to ask forgiveness, or to even say, “I love you.” This is awful. It all feels so unfinished. It’s like I’m in limbo with no closure. (Gary Roe).
Understanding the Grieving Process
According to one writer, grief is a normal reaction to the loss of a loved one.
▪ As believers in Christ, we are not exempt from the grieving process, but the Scriptures, our faith, and belief in God makes it easier to go through it.
▪ The pain of a broken heart is real; the pain of depression is real; pain of separation is real and pain of loneliness is real.
How Long Does the Grieving Process Last?
Since each person grieves differently, the length and intensity of the emotions people go through varies from person to person.
Learning to live with the loss of someone you love can take a long time, and just as everyone’s grief is different, so each person feels differently as time passes after bereavement [Sue Ryder].
How To Cope with the Sudden Unexpected Death of a Loved One?
According to one writer, Experiencing the sudden unexpected death of someone close can be incredibly challenging, and navigating overwhelming grief may require coping skills to help manage emotions and find support.
I pray that you will find these coping skills helpful:
• Allow yourself to grieve-Grieving is a natural and necessary part of the healing process.
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• Seek support from others: Connect with friends, family, or a grief support group to share your feelings and experiences. Also, talking to others who have gone through similar situations can provide understanding, empathy, and a sense of companionship.
• Express your feelings: Find outlets for expressing your emotions, whether it's through journaling or counselling.
• Create rituals or memorials: Establish rituals or create memorials to honour and remember the person who passed away.
• Allow yourself to grieve in your own way.
• Try to rest and eat healthly (self-care)
Remember that your loss is not something you need to “get over”. Your life has been changed and will never be quite the same again. You are learning to “live with the loss”.
Remind yourself that healing doesn’t mean forgetting. Memories will remain. In time, you will find a way to adjust.
Remember also that there is no timetable for grieving, so don’t be too hard on yourself.
Do not compare your grief with someone else; it cannot be hurried or fast-tracked and everyone grieves differently.
▪ God is aware of your wounds and scars and knows how to draw forth a healing deeper than you can imagine. Practice Self-Compassion
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▪ Remember that it takes times to heal on your grief journey. Healing is your primary job. It is important to exercise self-compassion. This is simply the process of turning compassion inward.
Take Care of Yourself
▪ Nourish your body with healthy foods
▪ Keep connected with family and friends.
▪ Write down your thoughts and feelings in your journal
▪ Learn to forgive and be kind to yourself
The Bereavement Support Group
The Bereavement Café Support Group is here to support you in your grief journey. As a group, we provide a safe environment for those who are living with grief either through the loss of a loved one or any other significant loss you might be experiencing right now in your life. We believe that sharing can help you feel -connected with others who are going through a similar experience, and in turn, helps those who are new to the experience of grief to feel understood.
As a Support Group, we thrive to cultivate an attitude of acceptance, empathy and listening in a non-judgemental manner.
Our prayer is that you will find this Newsletter helpful.
Please Note! *The resources used in this Newsletter were taken from various books on grief, information and images from the Internet websites; therefore, no extract should be taken from this newsletter and used for any other purpose than to help you navigate your way through your grief journey*
Blessings - The Bereavement Support Team.
