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A Guiding Light

There's no question:

2020 has been a challenging year

for nonprofits.

Like many organizations, Hopeful Heart Project depends heavily on events to both serve our community and raise funds to support our mission. We have been able to pivot many of our events, including our monthly yoga classes, Mother’s Day Floral Class, and annual retreat to take place either virtually or outdoors. We even had 175 families participate in our first virtual Love & Light event this October.

One event that we were not able to host due to COVID-19 was Hope Forward, our largest fundraising event of the year. That event alone can bring in as much as $30,000 in one night—a significant amount for a small organization like ours.

We are humbly asking our supporters to help Hopeful Heart Project raise the funds we otherwise would have raised at Hope Forward. Your gift will allow us to continue providing parents the support, resources, and hope they need as they walk through unimaginable loss and find strength for a brighter future.

No gift is too small. Here are just a few examples of the impact your gift can have for parents in our community:

• $50 covers the fee for a single group class.

• $150 provides a personalized and locally sourced Hope Gift.

• $300 provides parents with deeply personal bereavement support, including doula services.

• $500 makes one retreat experience possible for a parent.

Please donate to our Hope Forward campaign at www.givehopeforward.org. With your support, we can continue to provide meaningful events and programming, build our community of support, and walk with parents on their long path to healing.

Thank you,

Kayla & Jen

Kayla & Jen

Hope Forward: The Story of Paityn Wiley Mairs

It was a Thursday just like any other. Garett and Jennifer Mairs dropped their two girls, Paityn and her big sister Paisley, off at daycare. They played, they snacked, they snuggled.

And that’s when the day like any other changed.

“The phone rang, and it was the daycare,” Jennifer said. “When they went to check on her, at some point she had stopped breathing.”

Just like any other day, four-month-old Paityn went down for a nap. But this time, she did not wake up.

Garett and Jennifer rushed to the hospital. Minutes felt like hours as they wondered what could have possibly happened to make their happy, healthy little girl suddenly stop breathing.

“That drive felt very long,” Garett said. “A million things go through your head, but honestly I thought that everything was going to be okay because it's just not something that happens. A four month old doesn't just stop breathing and not start breathing again.”

After what felt like the longest car ride of their lives, they reached the hospital before the ambulance that was carrying Paityn. They waited and waited, leaning on one another and the family members that had started to arrive, until they finally heard over the intercom the words that no parent ever wants to hear:

Code Blue, pediatric.

A nurse found Garett and Jennifer and escorted them to the room where sweet Paityn was undergoing CPR.

“I just remember seeing her little feet. They were giving her CPR, and we just sat in the corner and kind of watched helplessly,” Jennifer said. “Eventually they did a blood test and the nurse told us that the results of that blood test would let us know if there was anything else they could do. And a few minutes later they came in and said that there wasn't anything else we could do. She was gone.”

Remembering Paityn

Paityn Wiley Mairs was born on January 23rd, 2018. Garett and Jennifer say she was the sweetest little baby, with an infectious smile and big blue eyes that never seemed to close.

“She didn’t sleep very well,” Jennifer said. “We used to say that she knew she didn't have long, and she didn't want to miss anything.”

Paityn went home to Heaven on May 31st, 2018. She was only four months old.

While Garett, Jennifer, and their family were able to spend a few hours holding and loving on Paityn in the hospital, in the end, they walked out of those doors without their baby.

The two years that have passed since that day have been filled with questions: What happened to Paityn? Who would she be if she were still alive today?

“Paityn could have been anything,” Garett said. “You just don't know if she was going to be a hyper kid or an easy-going kid, if she was gonna love to be outside or anything like that. The possibilities are kind of endless. So it's just the thought of not knowing what could have been.”

Nothing can prepare a parent for the loss of a child, and no person can ease the dull, persistent ache of grief entirely. But through the Hopeful Heart Project, Jennifer and Garett have found the support and resources they need to help navigate their grief and remember their precious baby girl.

“My first Hopeful Heart Project event was a yoga class,” Jennifer said. “I was kind of hesitant to go. I was just going to go and do yoga and come home. And after the class, a bunch of us moms got together and we ended up talking for about four hours. It was so therapeutic just to talk to other moms who had been through the same thing. We were able to just openly share about our children. We just formed an instant bond.”

Garett and Jennifer have discovered a community of parents who understand the whirlwind of emotions they have experienced— the deep sadness, the anger, and even the immense joy and fear of having another child after loss.

Today, Paityn and Paisley have a baby brother named Paxton. Garett and Jennifer are determined to make Paityn a part of Paxton’s life. They celebrate her birthday every year, and have

planted trees in their yard in her honor. Their home is filled with photographs of all three of their children. They talk about her every day, sharing stories (like Paisley’s personal favorite, the time when “baby Paityn peed all over her”). While he may

never meet her in this lifetime, Paxton will grow up knowing that he has another big sister in Heaven. That, Jennifer says, is what they wish more people understood: they want to talk about Paityn.

No one should hesitate to mention her name for fear of upsetting or hurting them. Yes, losing Paityn is the most painful thing Garett and Jennifer have ever endured; but there is joy in remembering her, in hearing her name.

“Every loss parent just wants their child to be remembered,” Jennifer said. “We don’t want them to be forgotten. And Hopeful Heart Project provides endless ways for us to remember them and honor their memory.”

Watch Garett and Jennifer’s full story on Facebook or our website during our virtual Hope Forward fundraising event.

To learn more about Hopeful Heart Project or make a donation, please visit www.givehopeforward.org

Hope Forward: The Story of Caleb Michael Ward

Emily and Taner Ward discovered they were pregnant with their son, Caleb, on August 6th, 2019. They were nervous, at first—their daughter, Clara, was only eight months old at the time—but those nerves quickly gave way to excitement.

“We were ecstatic,” Emily said. “I went and got it confirmed the next day and told Taner, and we were just ready. We were ready for him.”

For 34 weeks, Emily’s pregnancy went off without a hitch. She

rarely experienced any symptoms, other than a few headaches here and there.

“I couldn't have asked for an easier pregnancy,” Emily said. “All of our appointments were great. His heartbeat was always strong. We had no indication that there would ever be anything to go south.”

On March 3rd, Emily woke up to another perfectly normal day. She buckled Clara into her carseat, and the two of them visited Taner at work for lunch.

It wasn’t until four in the afternoon that Emily began to feel like something was off.

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“I realized that I hadn't felt him move all day,” Emily said. “And I just thought, well, maybe I've just been busy. I've been moving around. Maybe he's just having a lazy day.”

Emily called Taner and asked him to pick up a Doppler, a handheld ultrasound device, on his way home from work. When Taner arrived, they used the Doppler to try and pick up Caleb’s heartbeat—nothing. They continued to try, even testing the machine on Taner to see if they were using it properly, and when it did not read Taner’s heartbeat, they chalked it up to user error.

Still, they packed up Clara and drove to the hospital for tests, just to be safe.

“We were holding hands and Clara was babbling in the back and I just remember thinking, you know, I'm just nervous, he was having a lazy day and I just wasn't paying attention enough,” Emily said. “This doesn't really happen in real life. You don't think it's ever going to happen to you.”

Laid to Rest

When they arrived at the hospital, Emily and Taner received the worst possible news: a hyper-coiled cord at his abdomen had cut off all nutrients and oxygen. Their baby boy, who had

shown no complications in over eight months, was gone.

“They said they could still see the blood flow on the ultrasound, that it had happened really recently,” Emily said. “We were just too late.”

After about 17 hours of labor, Caleb Michael Ward was born on March 5th, 2020, at 5:13 a.m. It was the hardest night of their

“They helped us weather the storm when we weren't sure if we could do it ourselves.”

lives, but Taner and Emily were never alone. Caleb was born surrounded by friends, family, and two Hopeful Heart Project doulas, Kayla and Hannah.

“They were just so welcoming and compassionate,” Emily said. “It was amazing having family come in to support us, but it's just a completely different feeling when you have people come

in who have been through the same storm that you're going through in that moment. They've come out stronger and they know how to comfort you and convince you that you can come out stronger, too.”

Kayla and Hannah stayed with the Wards for a full day after Caleb was born, as friends and family took turns holding him, taking pictures, and getting prints of his tiny hands and feet. And when it was time for Caleb to go, they advocated for Taner and Emily every step of the way.

It is standard procedure for a funeral director to carry a baby from the delivery room to the hearse, but Kayla told the funeral director, “They’ve got this.”

Emily and Taner were able to accompany their son from their hospital room to the care of a funeral director. They were inspired by Kayla's words to take every possible opportunity they could get with Caleb. They have peace with the fact they accompanied Caleb every step of the way, through every moment of his time here on earth. Emily and Taner were the first and the last to hold their son.

“There was just a whirlwind of emotions that entire day, feeling

great that we got to meet him and hold him, but knowing that we're not going home with him was really hard,” Taner said. “It was very comforting knowing that we were the last ones that laid him down and it wasn't just some stranger.”

Weather the Storm

No grief journey is the same, and for Caleb and Emily, the process has included challenges many of us could never even imagine. The COVID-19 pandemic brought life to a sudden halt just one week after Caleb passed away; it was not until October, seven months after his death, that Taner and Emily were able to mourn him in the presence of friends and family with a memorial service.

All the while, they have struggled to help Clara, not even two years old, understand and process her own grief.

“I don't really fully understand if she knew exactly what was going on at that time, but she definitely knows who he is now. She knows that there's somebody very special to us that's not actually here with us,” Emily said. “She says his name, and she kisses his urn every night before bed. So that’s very special.”

Taner and Emily will spend the rest of their lives trying to understand what happened to Caleb, but they will never have to walk this journey alone. Hopeful Heart Project will be there every step of the way.

“Hopeful Heart Project has supported us through everything,” Emily said. “When we went into the hospital the night that Caleb died, we were completely unprepared for what was to come. They helped us through every wave of emotion and they helped us weather the storm when we weren't sure if we could do it ourselves.”

Watch Emily and Taner's full story on Facebook or our website during our virtual Hope Forward fundraising event.

To learn more about Hopeful Heart Project or make a donation, please visit www.givehopeforward.org

Hope Forward: The Story of Mari Joanne Thielges

“Every time we had a negative test, we felt a little bit more defeated, over and over again,” Kelsey Thielges said. “I got in the shower that morning after I took the test, and I didn't think anything of it because all my tests were negative.”

A positive pregnancy test can set off a whirlwind of emotions for any first-time parent: joy, surprise, excitement, anxiety. But when you have tried to conceive for more than 18 months, a few more emotions enter the mix: elation, relief, complete and utter amazement.

When Kelsey stepped out of the shower, the test sitting on the counter revealed the one word she had waited years to see: pregnant.

All those dreams of onesies, cribs, and little baby feet came flooding back to her. She’d imagined so many elaborate ways she would tell her husband, Casey, that they were finally pregnant.

“Instead, I just screamed,” Kelsey recalled. “He came running in and said, ‘You’ve got to be more careful in the shower.’ I just was standing there holding the test and we were just so happy. It felt like we had done it. We were pregnant.”

A Perfect Pregnancy

The first three months of Kelsey’s pregnancy were textbook perfect. Aside from the usual morning sickness, Kelsey had no symptoms—no reason to believe that anything could be wrong.

Kelsey’s 20 week appointment was scheduled for early August 2018. It was a milestone they’d long awaited: this would be

their first opportunity to take home a good, clear picture to share the news with their friends and extended families.

“It was a day we had marked on our calendars for quite some time,” Casey said.

The appointment began as normal. The ultrasound technician turned the screen to face them, and for the first time, Kelsey and Casey could see their baby’s head, its abdomen, its tiny little feet. For the first time, it felt real—they were going to have a baby in a few months.

But Kelsey could see that baby was not moving. The ultrasound technician asked Kelsey to stand up, move around, and try to get the baby to flip so she could photograph the spine.

She left for a second and I think I did jumping jacks, some squats, and laid back down. She came in and took a few more images and said, ‘Okay, you'll go up and see your OB.’ And we went.”

As they walked to meet the OB, Kelsey tried to push the negative thoughts from her mind. But as soon as they entered the room, she knew something was wrong. The nurse did not check her weight or test her blood pressure; she simply asked Kelsey and Casey to sit down.

The doctor explained to Kelsey and Casey that there was something unusual with the ultrasound picture. He pointed to

the screen: there was fluid around the baby’s heart, lungs, belly, and spine.

“There was fluid essentially everywhere. I think at that point I still had a little hope that we could do something. And then he asked the ultrasound tech to move to the head,” Kelsey said. “And that's when he pointed out with a pen that there was what's called a cystic hygroma, a fluid-filled sac, on the back of our baby's neck that was about twice the size of the head.”

Then, they heard the last two words that any parent wants to hear.

“We heard ‘I'm sorry,’” Kelsey said. “‘Your baby has a 20 percent chance of making it to term and less than a one percent chance of living if it does.’ And then I think I just broke into a million pieces.”

The Butterfly Blanket

A genetic test was performed to determine the cause of the abnormalities in the baby's body, and four days later, the Thielgeses received their answer: their baby had Turner’s Syndrome, a condition that affects only females and results when one of the X chromosomes is missing or partially missing. In some cases, women can live completely normal lives with Turner’s syndrome; in others, like theirs, the defect can be fatal.

The Thielgeses had a decision to make: they could either terminate the pregnancy or continue to carry their baby, knowing she would not live. After days of discussing, praying, and weighing the risks, they decided to continue with the pregnancy.

Kelsey’s medical team determined that she should come in for weekly ultrasounds.

“It was at our first scheduled ultrasound that we went in and I laid on the table and the ultrasound tech put the jelly on and within seconds, our little baby girl was on the screen, except this time you could see that there was no heartbeat,” Kelsey said. “I remember turning to Casey and saying, ‘I think she’s gone.’”

Kelsey was induced that day, and on August 17th, 2018, Mari Joanne Thielges was born silent at 23 weeks gestation.

After the nurses had taken Mari to clean her up and take prints of her hands and feet, they brought her back swaddled in a purple butterfly blanket. That butterfly blanket brought more comfort, promise, and calm than any hugs, well wishes, or words could hold.

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“My grandma passed away when I was about 12 and butterflies have always been a symbol that I see and when I think of her,” Kelsey said. “I had just an overwhelming sense of calm that we had made the right decision...like Grandma had her.”

Kelsey and Casey were able to spend twelve hours with Mari. While the amount of fluid in Mari’s body had distorted some of her features, her parents could still recognize the telltale Thielges feet, with a space between her first two toes, and Kelsey’s distinctive upper lip.

“As much as she maybe didn't look exactly like we imagined, she was perfect and she was ours,” Kelsey said.

Love Out Loud

Those days were the darkest of Kelsey and Casey’s lives.

In the two years that have passed since Mari’s birth, they have been able to find joy in having her. They celebrate her birthday with a butterfly release every year, and carry Mari with them everywhere they go.

“As traumatic as it was, it was also really incredible,” Kelsey said. “Mari made me a mom, and I don't want that fact to be lost.”

And for as long as it took to get pregnant with Mari, her little brother, Jack, made his appearance shortly after.

“We had joked with our OB at my six week appointment, she

just said, ‘You can't get pregnant.’ And then I called two weeks later, I was like, ‘Surprise!’” Kelsey said. “But I never felt safe. I never felt like it was going to be okay with Jack. I was constantly waiting for the shoe to drop.”

Hopeful Heart Project walked with Kelsey and Casey through their second pregnancy, providing a safe place to share their excitement and their fear. And since Jack entered the world a happy, healthy little boy, we have continued to walk together through their grief.

Through Hopeful Heart Project, Kelsey and Casey have found an outlet to love Mari out loud, to honor her memory, and to share those memories with Jack as he grows. They have formed a community of families who can grieve, celebrate, and walk the long path to healing together.

“Hopeful Heart Project created a safe space for our community, our families that are navigating life without their children,” Kelsey said. “It allows us to have a voice, to be able to share our memories and share our experience. And I think just having that network of others who can relate is one of the strongest support systems you can have.”

Watch Kelsey and Casey’s full story on Facebook or our website during our virtual Hope Forward fundraising event.

To learn more about Hopeful Heart Project or make a donation, please visit www.givehopeforward.org

“The healing you allow to happen will look so different this year because we are all leaning on ourselves more than we ever would have before.”

Our guest speaker, Katie Jameson, spoke those words at our virtual Love & Light event on October 10th, 2020. It was an event unlike any other, in a year unlike any other. Rather than gathering over food and drink, sharing laughter, tears, and embraces, we came together across our computer screens.

While COVID-19 prevented us from

gathering in person, Love & Light was still an opportunity for us to grieve, to celebrate life, and to find comfort in the community of parents we have formed through Hopeful Heart Project.

As we have taken the time to reflect on 2020, Katie’s words have stuck with us. We have had to lean on ourselves, and each other, more than ever before. Our mission and our work are deeply rooted in connections with others; when it became clear that COVID-19 would limit our ability to connect in all aspects of our lives, we needed to make sure that we had ways to reach newly bereaved parents and continue providing support to those we already knew and loved.

Like many organizations, we quickly pivoted our in-person events to take place either outdoors or virtually. The first to change was our yoga class, which we were able to move to a local park during the warmer months. The next event we had to reimagine was our Mother's Day Floral Class. This class is an opportunity for mothers to come and create a custom floral arrangement with guidance from a floral design professional. Mothers who have lost children should never be forgotten on this special holiday, especially during these challenging times. We found a way to personally deliver the supplies and provided a video tutorial so they could create their floral arrangements from the safety of their own homes.

Our annual retreat also needed to be reconsidered, so we pivoted to a weekly virtual series focused on topics of mindfulness, self care, and the effects of seasonal change. And finally, this October, we held our first-ever virtual Love & Light event. Even with this virtual format, we had 175 families participate in Love & Light this year—more than any of the years we’ve been able to gather in-person.

COVID-19 has taken so much from so many, but it will never take the passion we have for this work and the commitment we’ve made to our community. In fact, despite the many challenges we’ve faced along the way, 2020 has been a year of immense growth for Hopeful Heart Project. We have practiced resiliency, a tool we work with our families to achieve in their

healing, every day. We have supported hundreds of families on varying levels, from simply providing a Hope Gift, to fostering friendships between parents, to providing deeply personal bereavement doula services.

We are so proud to have launched HopeTree bereavement services this year. The program now has two doulas, who go to the hospital, or the family's home during and after a loss to assist the family with their experience. This program has been so well received by each family that has worked with us that we are considering training and adding another doula in the next year for our team.

The challenges of running a non-profit organization are only compounded in the midst of a pandemic, but we feel we have taken each roadblock and found a way around. We have never

given up hope, and we feel more inspired than ever as we head into our fourth year.

We truly hope, like everyone else, that we can bring back our in-person programming and events 2021. We also want to continue expanding our reach, as we know there are still many families who experience loss who have not received our information and support. We want our name to become synonymous with this experience so that every person, whether or not they have been personally touched by loss, knows about Hopeful Heart Project and the services we provide.

“We have never given up hope, and we feel more inspired than ever as we head into our fourth year.”

We also hope to create a safe haven for all parents by providing more programming including the dads in our community. Finally, we would like to create a volunteer network within our organization, creating opportunities for the many families we serve who want to give back in honor of their children.

If this year has taught us anything, it is that no one can predict what the future holds. But whatever 2021 brings, we will continue to lean on one another, to provide meaningful events and programming (even if we have to get creative with the format), and build our community of love, support, and healing.

Sending you love and light always,