The independent newspaper of Washington University in WashU since 1878 MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2024
VOLUME 145, NO. 21.5
WWW.STUDLIBEL.COM
PAT THEE BEAR WILD performer announced to be men’s basketball coach and Megan Thee Stallion
DUC NOW FUC
page 420
page 6969
Naming Review Board finally does something
OMG BREAKING NEWS GUYS BIG SCANDAL
Book club not actually a book club <-- ruh roh :(
WashU declares Manifest Destiny, acquires St. Louis OLIVE PIT EDITOR-IN-LIES
Chancellor Randy Mortin announced in a Tweet from the official Washington University X account, @GoBearsOfficial that the University would be purchasing the city of St. Louis, citing “fate” as their primary motivator, April 1. “The endowment returned 2030% this year, and St. Louis’ enrollment – sorry, population – has been declining,” Mortin wrote. “So we will be expanding eastward to the Mississippi and leasing property back to the city until it is fully vacated.” The University also announced a name change given the Eastward Expanstion Project (EEP), and will now be called Washington University in WashU. In a statement to Student Libel, Chief Financial Officer Marty Moneybaggs said that the University’s investment in crude oil fracking has really paid off this year, allowing the school to have an upper hand when negotiating sales with the city. “Mayor Jones and Chancellor Mortin hashed it out over a drink and a game of darts at Blueberry Hill,” Moneybaggs said. “Mortin offered five billion and sunk a bullseye, and the deal was sealed. I watched it all while sipping a Blue Moon and eating mozzarella sticks.” The University’s naming committee has their work cut out for them in re-branding city infrastructure. They’ve continued to release updates on @ GoBearsOfficial. To the east will be the East 1,276, which extends
YABAADADADOOOO | STUDS Randy Morton was quoted saying that “Fontbonne was the next frontier” in a recent press conference. to Cupples III (formerly St. Louis City Hall) and Wash-UpsideDown-U (formerly the St. Louis Arch). St. Louis citizens who decide to stay in the city will be issued WashU student IDs, a Go Bears™ string bag, and charged $60,000 annually in tuition. Additionally, all city buses will be replaced with circulators, which will stop every
20 minutes at 15 areas around the city of WashU. Sophomore Richard Claro said he was thrilled by the news of EEP. “I’ve never left campus before, so I’m glad WashU is expanding so I can finally explore the city without having to leave The Bubble,” Claro said. “I’m relieved I only have to interact with
WashU students for the rest of my time here.” Given the announcement of EEP, the University’s strategic and tangible plan, Here and Next, will now be referred to as Here and There and Who’s Next. Since acquiring the city of St. Louis only cost the University a fraction of their endowment, Moneybaggs said continued
expansion is likely in the cards. Mortin affirmed this statement. “God wanted us to expand, probably,” Mortin said. “So with any luck, we’ll begin negotiations with Illinois in the next few months.”
Management 100 Case Washington University divests from Boeing, cites dropping stock Comp brings peace to the Middle East
JACOB REESE
A PLEASURE TO HAVE IN CLASS
Washington University has divested and dissociated from The Boeing Company following a number of recent controversies. “Our longstanding partnership with Boeing unfortunately has come to an end,” Chancellor Andrew Martin said. “We simply could not take what we were seeing anymore.” Calls for divestment from the company have increased in number since Oct. 7, given that Boeing supplies the Israeli army with bombs used in Gaza. Martin, however, said that this factored little into the decision. “Gaza Shmaza,” Martin said. “We’ve got engineering students who need internships.” The progressive group Resist WashU met with Martin in recent weeks to discuss their feelings on WashU’s partnership with Boeing, said the General Secretary of the group, Vlad
Linen. “It took a lot of effort, but we’re really proud of what we were able to accomplish,” Linen said. Linen said that after Martin told them he was unmoved by stories they presented of people in Gaza, they changed tactics. “We showed him a John Oliver video on Boeing,” Linen said. “He only seemed more stubborn after hearing that they have been prioritizing profit in recent years.” Eventually, a Resist WashU member, who asked to remain anonymous, Googled “Boeing stock price” and showed Martin the result. “It flipped a switch for him,” Linen said. “Just like that, he got to work.” Martin said that he finally understood where the Resist WashU members were coming from. “It was really the profit margins that made us pull the
trigger,” Martin said. “The stock price has been dropping since December, and we just can’t stand that anymore.” Martin added that he is keeping students in mind first in making this decision. “We can’t call Olin a business school and keep up business practices like these,” he said. “What does that signal to our B-schoolers?” Martin clarified that the passage of the recent Student Union resolution on divestment from Boeing did not affect his decision. “Wait, what happened?” he said. Martin said that plans to reinvest in the military-industrial complex are underway. “We are overjoyed to announce that we are beginning a new partnership with Lockheed Martin,” he said.
PETER PETERS INCOMING ANALYST AT RAYTHEON
For months, ongoing violence in the Middle East has led to extensive conversations in the Washington University community about the geopolitical landscape, often leading to even more division. With seemingly no end in sight to the conflict, first-year Max Adams did what was previously thought to be impossible– singlehandedly solved the crisis in the Middle East. “It was lowkey cake,” Adams said at a joint press release conference with the United Nations. Adams, who plans on majoring in Investment Banking, created the solution as part of a case competition in his Management 100 class. Adams was told to make a recommendation for the United States Secretary of State and pitch it to the class. Rather than working in
a group, he decided to tackle the topic alone, as a self-described “lone wolf with an alpha male mindset.” In a typical case comp, students receive criticism from their professors and teaching assistants (TAs), however, the entire class was left speechless by Adams’ idea. “You solved everything,” his TA said. “You solved problems we didn’t even know we had.” When asked about his process, Adams said that he put on his best three-quarter zip, chugged a Celsius, channeled Elon Musk, and sat in Bauer for a couple of hours. “Once I locked in,” he said, “it was game over for them.” After bringing peace to the Middle East, Adams’ bucket list includes solving climate change, ending the war on drugs, and getting his fraternity off social probation, with the last being his hardest task yet.
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