Sidechot leaks authors of over 5,000 posts
SHMYLVIE
A data breach leaked the authors of over 5,000 WashU sidechot posts in the past year on April 1.
Sidechot is a popular app on college campuses where members with a university email address can anonymously post to an open forum. On Wednesday, all registered users with a “wustl. edu” email address received an automated email with a line of code including the text of over 5,000 Sidechot posts and their authors’ full names and email addresses.
In response to a Student Libel inquiry, the creators of Sidechot — who will remain anonymous for privacy concerns — emphasized that they “commit to full transparency about [their] app’s policies and deeply value [their] users.”
The creators claimed that they would provide compensation for users whose identities were revealed.
“Users can contact support@ sidechot.lol for a free sticker,” the app’s creators said.
Some professors and administrators were found to be common authors on the app.
On Feb. 2, Chemistry 101 Professor Cummer wrote, “Chem 101 test was easy.”
uncovered that it read “BORGie and bear.”
Many of the leaked Sidechot posts referred to WashU Geek Life.
On March 2, Sigma Alpha Epsilog (SAE) President posted “Alpha delta is gay.” On March 12, he posted, “Anyone want to start a Yaoi club?”
Kappa Ligma member Mathias Hornswoggle posted “I miss klig” roughly 100 times in the past six months.
“It was a part of pledging,” he wrote in a Signal DM to Student Libel.
Multiple negative Sidechot posts regarded the same people using nicknames, including “calc 2 girl” and “med prep boy.” The respective parties are suing the authors for defamation.
In response to a question about the lawsuits, the creators of Sidechot pointed to their Community Guidelines.
“According to our guidelines, we do not support bullying and harassment,” they said. “The affected parties can downvote these posts.”
After the leaks, many students have shared that they will no longer be using Sidechot.
A series of posts regarding a stolen birthday cake in the residential dorm building Nemrov populated Sidechot in the past couple of weeks.
“Whatever deranged, desperate fatass stole my undecorated cake while it was cooling in the
Chancellor Mandrew D. Martin had posts under seven accounts, including chancy@ wustl.edu, bigdmartin@wustl. edu, and thedstandsfordignity@ wustl.edu. After his State of the University Address on March 2, he posted to Sidechot. “hot take chancellor martin isn’t that bad,” he wrote.
nemerov kitchen i hope you choke on it. That was for my best friend’s birthday and you ruined it,” Chancellor Martin wrote on March 12. According to inside sources, his home’s ovens were broken.
WashU increases tuition to make Workday more confusing
On March 17, 2026, Provost Wark Mest announced a tuition increase of $3,000 for the 2026-2027 school year, citing the need to invest in more university-led initiatives.
Provost Mest failed to include, however, that the large majority of the tuition increase will be going towards a new initiative to make Workday more confusing and hard to navigate for students. In an exclusive interview with Student Libel, WashU head of IT, Bim Trooks, discussed the thorough process behind this decision.
“After a year of reflection, we felt that there were major shortcomings to Workday,” Trooks said. “Too many students got the classes they wanted last semester, and we really see that as a failure on our end.”
group’s funding allocations, Provost Mest said that “the group will be attending an all expenses paid trip to Paris, France, in order to ensure their rest and relaxation, and in turn, produce the most accurate investigation results.”
One member of the research group, staying anonymous due to concerns of violent repercussions, highlighted the advancements the group has already made towards their goal.
“One amazing idea was to make the REGISTER button move every time a student tries to click it. Another idea was to program Workday to change its system language to Latin, in an attempt to promote learning the language.”
In private emails between Mest and the research group that Student Libel subpoenaed, he shared some of his personal ideas.
According to Provost Mest, the University is funding a research group to investigate how to worsen Workday. When questioned on the
“WashU is a rigorous institution, and should therefore have a rigorous course registration system,” Mest wrote. “My personal idea is to
“This experience has made me rethink my relationship with Sidechot and its anonymity,” first-year Junie B. Jones said. “I will be using YikYak from now on.”
“Defund WUPD,” WashU Police Chief Goons wrote on Feb. 17.
“I had a really good Borg,” Goons said in an email to Student Libel. After further investigation, Student Libel
During Mardi Gras, the Washington University Police Department (WUPD) and Residential Life Office cracked down on celebrations on campus and in nearby off-campus housing, and many users took to Sidechot in protest.
have more errors pop up when students try to register for their courses. Two errors are amateur. Twenty errors — now that is the sign of a top 20 academic institution.”
When questioned on the increase in tuition, Provost Mest explained that the University is looking into ways to cut down on the cost of the Workday program.
“We are seriously considering incorporating advertisements into the Workday software. Instead of meeting with your advisor to remove a registration hold, students will have to watch 30 straight minutes of Liberty Mutual advertisements.”
In response to heavy condemnation of the Workday initiative by the student body, the University sent out a statement on March 20.
“Keep critiquing Workday. We love hearing the student body’s disdain towards the program. That is, after all, how we know we’re doing our job well.” W.E.B.
WashU announces acquisition of “several more universities just in case”
students and the broader academic community.
WashU administrators confirmed Monday that the University has acquired another university, bringing the total number of universities inside WashU to “at least two, possibly more if the paperwork goes through.”
The announcement follows WashU’s decision to integrate the University of Health Sciences and Pharmacy and create a new pharmacy school, the second new school the University has launched in three years.
According to University officials, the expansion reflects WashU’s long-term academic strategy.
“We believe the future of higher education is very clear,” one administrator said. “Eventually all universities will simply become WashU.”
Students say they were initially confused by the news.
“I thought WashU was already a university,” said sophomore Daniel K. “But apparently we’re collecting them now.”
Administrators emphasized that the integration will benefit
“For example,” the official said, “Pharmacy students will gain access to WashU’s resources, while WashU students will gain access to the thrilling experience of learning that their University has quietly absorbed another institution overnight.”
Some students say the expansion has become difficult to keep track of.
“First we got Fontbonne, and then a new public health school,” said junior Maya R. “Now we’re getting a pharmacy school.” She paused.
“At this rate, I’m expecting the WashU School of WashU Studies by next fall.”
University officials confirmed that additional acquisitions remain under consideration as part of the University’s strategic vision.
At the time of publication, WashU was reportedly in preliminary talks to acquire Harvard, with administrators noting that the school already meets WashU’s core admission criterion of “having students who are extremely stressed.”
V. PRESSMAN
CHIEF ALLEGATIONS OFFICER
EXPOSED: WUnderground actually located above ground
BONESAW JONES
LOCAL GIGOLO
The farcical WashU newspaper WUnderground has lied to its readers yet again. Despite the word “underground” in their name, new photos reveal the student organization regularly meets a whopping THREE FLOORS above ground in the Danforth University Center.
Senior Beaux Neralert,
Embellisher in Chief for WUnderground, publicly apologized for the betrayal.
“We are deeply apologetic to the WUnderground readers,” said Neralert, “and we hope that all five of you will continue your support through these troubling times.”
In an effort to right this most grievous wrong, WUnderground has decided to pile 10,000 pounds of dirt onto the roof of the DUC, officially placing
them “under ground.”
“We really didn’t want to move our office, ” says Neralert, referring to the general-purpose meeting space in the Harvey Media Center. “This allows us to keep our location consistent while adhering the technical requirements of our name. We considered changing our name to ‘Wonderground,’ but agreed it would be really silly to pronounce it that way.”
$5 million WashU study concludes Titanic ‘still
Researchers at Washington University in St. Louis have published a groundbreaking scientific revelation: The Titanic is still underwater.
In a new study published April 1 in Nature Medicine, the researchers reported that their highly sophisticated model predicts that the 114-year-old shipwreck at the bottom of the North Atlantic Ocean has not relocated itself. The findings could have far-reaching implications for the quirky people with a hyperfixation on the Titanic.
Just two years ago, a pair of researchers, Dr. Jack D. Dawson and Dr. Rose T. DeWitt-Bukater, were awarded a $5 million, fiveyear grant from Chancellor Mandrew D. Martin to
examine the “truth” of the Titanic. At the time, many members of the WashU community questioned whether the funding might be better spent elsewhere, like student financial aid or literally anything else. Those concerns have since been dimmed by what the team is calling “conclusive, ocean-based evidence.”
“Our findings strongly suggest that the Titanic did not evaporate, ascend, or otherwise stop being underwater,” Dawson said at a press conference, gesturing to a map labeled “Ocean.”
“We also ruled out the possibility that it’s just been hiding.”
DeWitt-Bukater expanded on the team’s methodology.
“We spent hours watching all the movies about the Titanic,” she said. “I knew we were onto something when we tried googling
‘where is the Titanic now.’ It was a stroke of genius.”
The breakthrough opens doors for future research.
“We’re now exploring whether other sunken ships might also be underwater,” Dawson said. “If confirmed, this could reshape everything we thought we knew about ship sinking.”
Chancellor Martin called the findings “a proud moment for the University,” adding that WashU will continue to support bold, curiosity-driven research. Personally giving the 1997 film “Titanic” a five-star rating on Letterboxd, Martin directed Mark East, Provost and Executive Vice Chancellor for Academic Affairs, to send an email about an additional 6% increase in tuition to further support the research.
WashU’s abroad students announce plan to overpronounce foreign words
BarTHelONA — WashU’s abroad students announced their collective plans to overpronounce foreign words, including Spanish, French, German, and “really any language we can get our grimy little fingers on,” said junior Brad Bradson, who now goes by “Juan Carlos Maria Rodriguez II.” The students plan to focus their efforts on the A in StantiAGO, the OOP in COOPenhagen, and have added two accents to Mádríd just for good measure.
The assembled students also outlined their intentions for after their return, like starting every sentence with “when I was in PaRÍ” and commenting on how everything was simply better outside of the U.S.
Sophomore Namey McName who studied abroad
in Argentina said that she hopes to bring some of the culture back with her.
“Next time I’m at a Mexican restaurant, I hope I’ll try to speak to the waiter in Spanish, then be awkwardly forced to switch back to English when they respond. That’s the dream, really,” McName said.
Junior Firstname McLastname echoed McName’s sentiment.
“I hope I try to order an empanada, but I pronounce it so strangely that the lady behind the counter is like ‘empanada?’ and I’m like ‘empánadà’ and she’s like ‘empanada?’ and I’m like ‘empánadà’ and then she’s like ‘empanada?’ and I’m like ‘empánadà’ and she’s like—” Bradson warned readers that the students might pretend not to remember basic English for the first few weeks.
“Someone might say they
want a pretzel, and I would put on a really good show of not knowing what they are talking about for ten minutes,” Bradson said. “Then I would go ‘Ohhh you mean bretzel, that’s what we call it in Germany.’”
Bradson was unavailable for further comment on the subject as he had embarked on a lengthy story about that one time he ate a pretzel abroad, which ultimately concluded when he decided that our reporter “really just had to be there.”
Meanwhile, McLastname was finishing her story.
“—‘epanada?’ and I’m like ‘empánadà’ and then she’s like ‘empanada?’ and I’m like ‘empánadà’ and we just go on like that for a while,” McLastname said.
When asked if she will miss her Argentinian friends when she returns to the U.S., McName said she wasn’t worried.
“I don’t think I’ve ever talked to an Argentinian. To
be honest, I’ve heard they don’t even speak English,” McName said. “Anyway, all my friends here are Americans.”
SELINA DAUGHTER
LOW CORTISOL
CUBIC WRINKLE WRITER
Subject: A Wonder-Full Thanksgiving
Dear WashU _________ (plural noun),
University life is full of _______ (plural noun): tensions or contradictions that shouldn’t work, but somehow do. We _______ (verb) and study within divisions and schools that define our professional or scholarly identities, yet we often innovate best when we _______ (verb) and work across disciplines. We _______ (verb) with open minds to the _______ (noun) of our opponents, and our own _______ (noun) are strengthened as a result. We pursue _______ (noun) through _______ (verb) and strength through truth. And yet, it’s the unanswered questions that keep us coming back.
Recently, I was struck by another _______ (noun) as I closed up shop in Brookings Hall for the day and caught a _________________ (adjective + noun) over Hillman Hall: We live as if the time for beauty and wonder comes after our _______ (noun) is finished, if we make time for it at all. But the truth is, wonder is what makes the _______ (noun) meaningful, sustainable, and possible in the first place.
The potential for wonder abounds on our _______ (plural noun). Many of us, myself included, felt it the first time we _______ (past tense verb). A feeling of wide open _______ (noun). Awe at the work being done here, and the brilliant _____ (plural noun) doing it. A sense of homecoming to the _____ (place) where our ____(plural noun) would be nurtured.
Have you been feeling ________ (emotion) lately? My guess is a lot of us haven’t. The sprint between __________ (noun) and __________ (noun) requires our students and faculty to grind pretty hard. Our staff has been navigating some new __________ (noun) and __________ (noun) this semester in addition to the everyday demands of their _______ (noun). The __________ (noun) and (noun) seem designed to keep us constantly on edge. And, of course, many __________ (plural noun) are heavy for reasons that have nothing to do with school or work.
But the __________ (plural noun) of this world are always there for us, if we take the time to be present and __________ (past tense verb). This Thanksgiving break, I hope you’ll make time for that.
If you’re not sure where to start, think back to when you were eight. What __________ (past verb) you when you were a kid? Were you awed by the rhythm of the __________ (noun), the complexity of the __________ (noun), or the enormity of the __________ (noun)? Maybe you got lost for hours in __________ (place) or __________ (place) or __________ (place)
That capacity to be present, to be __________ (verb past), to __________ (verb)? __________ (noun)’s still inside you, and it’s anything but childish. I encourage you to __________ (verb) it over the next few days. Plan a __________ (activity) or a __________ (activity) outing, complete with hot __________ (noun) and extra __________ (noun). Treat yourself to a new copy of your favorite __________ (noun), and __________ (verb) it in your most comfortable pajamas. Visit a __________ (place), then pull out the __________ (object) and see what you come up with. Attend a __________ (place), if you’re so inclined, and imagine all of the __________ (noun person) in every corner of the world who are also gathering for their own traditions of __________ (adjective) and __________ (adjective).
Albert Einstein told us that “The most beautiful __________ (noun) we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental __________ (noun) that stands at the cradle of true art and true science.” So this year, instead of wishing you a __________ (adjective) Thanksgiving, I’m wishing you a __________ (adjective) Thanksgiving. An __________ (adjective) Thanksgiving. A wonder-full Thanksgiving.
And I’ll meet you back here next week to continue the important __________ (verb ending in ‘-ing’) we do together. The art and the science, fueled by a renewed sense of __________ (verb)
With __________ (adjective) for you,
Andrew D_______ Martin
Riley Bird
Australia Amtrak Uncs-in-Chief editor@studlife.com
ZachyTizz Managing Poop Editor news@studlife.com
Won’t Rosenblum Managing Save-Me Editor scene@studlife.com
Shmylvie Bitchards Opinion Manager forum@studlife.com
Moo-moo Eisner
Managing Balls Editor sports@studlife.com
Sonic Managing InDesign Editor designers@studlife.com
Carpenter Button
Swarm of Bees Editor
Missing-in-Action
Burkholder Captain Comma copy@studlife.com
EldaAna Ramen Managing Pictures (but drawn) Editor
Gouda Knitsberg Managing Pictures (but camera) Editor photo@studlife.com
G. Pooper Chief Screenager
Quinn Less Managing Spam Editor emailedition@studlife.com
Alan Kday Managing Pictures (but moving) Editor
Aliza Lubuttz Investigative Poop Editor
Elizabeth Celebrate
Sophia Mayo
Sara Gelkind
Schophie Swartz
Lore Schwang
Senior Save-Me Editors
Amelia Radish
David Cior-boner
Kate “The Man”
Rodriguez
Lake Alsalihi
Technically it’s midnight
Pewis Too Randy I am Hefty
Senior Balls Editors
Reeyuh Sharma Camden Mogger
iPad Babies
Swissabella Diaz-Mira
Ella Gruyere
Penne Parm Say Cheese Editors
Sanchali Panhuru
Jeremy Slayyythree Vloggers
Jack Peaceren
Amelia Bedelia Make things look cool
Editors
Ravioli Gorre
Joel Smirnoff
V. Pressman
Doc
Nicholas Demballs
Selina Daughter Gossip Girls
Banana The Door
Needs Saving
Tim Spellman
Ashlose Nair
Phishing Editors
Lyn Won’tkins
Pure Chaos Editor
Khristian Cim
Anna Thief
Hannah Not Enough
Junior Balls Editors
Anna Window-sey
Kevin Can’t
Doodle Editors
Tillie Szwartz
Lucia Thomas
Sam Fox Warriors
Yack Jang
Georgia Georgia
Echo (echo echo) Dong
Andrew Coffee-an
CS Kids
Samantha Charming Colonel Comma
Zoe Streets
HR-in-training
WashU to cut funding for 12 programs in the humanities and social sciences, cites opportunity for increased spending in other areas
decreasing need for culturally literate students, increasing need for more Jane Street portfolios, and artificial intelligence’s increasing role in a changing world.”
WashU has eliminated significant funding for 12 undergraduate and graduate programs across the humanities and social sciences following financial struggles, Chancellor Smartin announced in a Universitywide email addressed to faculty and staff, March 2.
It is not clear what will become of the affected programs, but Smartin said that they may be eventually consolidated into a single undergraduate program, titled “Critical Thinking Skills for the Market.”
Smartin wrote that, while the funding cuts to these programs are certainly not ideal, there will now be a $1,000,000 surplus for WashU to invest in dynamic and idiosyncratic opportunities. He said that the funding cuts “stem from external pressures that … include the
Nina Smith, a fifth-year biomedical anthropology Ph.D. student whose research centers on increasing accessibility to healthy breast milk alternatives, said that although the loss of funding for the final year of her dissertation is unfortunate, it ultimately will benefit the University.
“It definitely sucks that I’ll have to either not complete my P.h.D or self-fund my research in Zambia,” Smith said. “But, I can’t help but be glad that WashU’s Investment Management Company (WUIMC) will get to further 0.1% of their crucial and critical investments.”
Smith added that she’s looking into career opportunities in industry, including involvement with companies such as Nestlé, so she can continue doing good in the
world.
This is not the first time WashU has announced significant cuts to programs and departments. In the past three years, multiple humanities and social science departments have been either consolidated or completely cut.
Provost Jimmy South explained the previous decisions as ones that were calculated and had to happen given the financial realities of the University.
“We essentially gave a serious and hard look at any form of study at WashU that dealt with women, gays, or Black people,” South said. “The best course of action for these fluctuating departments was to merge them all under ‘lib studies,’ which we can then cut completely later.”
Dean of McKelvey Bob Arnold said that while the cuts were unfortunate, they were necessary given the evolving employment ecosystem.
“A few years back, McKelvey had to cut our writing center,” Arnold said. “The reality is that these skills — writing, argumentation, cohesion — can now be mimicked and performed at a more efficient rate by leading LLMs. This is extremely helpful in increasing KPIs, which is an unfortunate necessary reality for leading engineering firms.”
A number of engineering Ph.D. students and MBAs expressed sympathy for those affected by the cuts but also emphasized that alternative career paths are available.
Second-year MBA student John Bukowski said he understands the frustrations of the students affected.
“It’s important to remember different options,” Bukowski said. “There are plentiful options for these students, such as training a chatbot to mimic their writing style, or waiting tables.”
Mary Pollack, a sophomore student studying philosophy, said though these
changes have shaken up her college plans, the Career Center has been incredibly helpful for her. “I was shocked and not sure what to do initially. But, the Career Center illuminated many alternative possibilities for me,” Pollack said. “I had no idea that we had so many other bachelor’s degree programs available, such as electrical engineering, biomedical engineering, chemical engineering, and computer engineering.”
She encouraged other undergrads in similar situations to seek out the options WashU provides, such as alternative bachelor’s programs or on-campus employment. She pointed out the library help desk, which is likely to remain safe from automation for at least the next three months, at most six.
This Guy Handles a Lot of Money, Chief Investment Officer of WUIMC, said a portion of the funding cut from these programs will be
used to diversify WUIMC’s investments.
“Right now, we’re looking to invest in some really idiosyncratic opportunities,” a Lot of Money said. “While we’ve always been hesitant to overinvest in certain companies that could perhaps be overhyped, a few have caught our eye: The Looksmaxxing industry, for example.”
Smartin stressed that while he understands this is a trying and difficult time for students involved in these programs, he said these difficult decisions are above all, necessary.
“In order to continue delivering excellent ROI while preserving our OKRs, these cuts are unfortunately necessary given our reality,” Smartin said. “The affected students should know the University is going to continue to support them regardless of what degree program in McKelvey or Olin they plan on transferring into.”
Investigation uncovers deep ties between chancellor and Epstein
“G” has sponsored a number of playground-themed events on WashU’s campus designed to entertain students.
WashU Chancellor Andrew D. Martin has a close relationship with _____ Epstein, according to an investigative report by Student Libel. According to a newly released batch of files, Martin and Epstein maintained ties for years, and Martin has even hosted Epstein on WashU’s campus numerous times in the last decade.
Together, Martin and Epstein have touched countless students’ lives. Martin’s history with Epstein also elicits questions about his relationship with Dr. G, a mysterious figure who goes by just the initial “G.” One of Martin’s closest associates,
Long before Martin became WashU chancellor, he was a Ph.D. student at WashU, and Epstein was a key figure in Martin’s life at the time. During the 30 years since, Martin has looked up to Epstein, constantly turning to them for advice on key decisions.
“[Epstein] was my mentor then, and has since become a co-author, colleague, and confidant of the highest order.” he said. “I call on [Epstein] often for advice or when I need a sounding board, and [Epstein’s] always there, just as [Epstein] was during my first days here at the University.”
The connection between
the pair is so close that when Martin was inaugurated as WashU chancellor in 2019, he was introduced by Epstein. Epstein served as co-chair of the subcommittee planning Martin’s inauguration and emceed the event.
Epstein and Martin also have a long history as collaborators. In classes co-taught by the pair, the two have interacted with many WashU students, leaving an unforgettable impact on the college experiences of many young adults.
A trove of files spanning decades reveal the extent of their cooperation. The duo have co-authored nine scholarly articles together, and much of Martin’s professional work would not be possible without the support of Epstein. Martin
also had knowledge of Epstein’s work when it came to the topic of sex: The two were co-authors on the book “Untangling the Causal Effect of Sex on Judging.”
Despite these deep ties between Martin and Epstein, WashU and Martin have yet to disavow Epstein’s work. It is unclear whether Martin ever travelled to any private islands with Epstein, as well as how much Martin knows about some of the things Epstein has done. The true extent of what the two of them have done together remains to be determined.
Editor’s Note: While the facts included in this article are mostly true, they are, of course, about Martin’s relationship with Professor Lee Epstein. Who else could it be about?
New proton discovered by undergrad physics student, reportedly just working on ‘some bullsh*t’
Senior and physics major Elona Maher recently discovered a new type of quark-based proton in lab, sending ripples through the field of particle physics. While assisting with a dissertation among grad students and postdocs at the Voltair lab on the Danforth campus, Maher apparently quantified the perfect decay pattern that would transform the particle into a previously unknown configuration. In an interview, Maher humbly reported she was just making ‘some bullsh*t.’
Maher is currently a teaching assistant (TA) for Focused Physics and PeerLed Team Learning (PLTL) leader for Introductory Physics I and II. She wasn’t always so unfazed, but this semester, Maher found a way to complete her thesis assignment with flying colors despite emanating no trace of intention.
“Honestly at this point, it’s whatever,” Maher said.
This finding took place in light of another recent discovery of a subatomic particle, four times as massive as a normal particle at The European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN). Maher acknowledged the CERN serve, but noted that they did not account for the amount of IDGAF that she did.
The mechanism Maher uncovered was indeed a result of her Aries rising nature. When asked how she was able to identify an entirely new type of particle without the technological assistance of a collider, Maher discussed her progressive youngho mentality.
“Girl, whatever,” Maher said.
When Maher is not studying quantum mechanics or making grad school decisions, she enjoys selective caring, listening to “LV Sandals,” and exclusively cooking food on high heat. Maher is actually pretty outspoken about topics of gender inclusivity in physics.
You just really wouldn’t know from her detached exterior. When asked about the lack of inclusion in fields of quantum computing and fluid dynamics, Maher explained that she lowkey doesn’t fw it.
Maher will be presenting her work at MIT, Caltech, and Princeton in upcoming months.
In the meantime, she will continue quantify ing her findings and giving speeches as a pioneer and women’s rights activist. She hopes to someday meet her idols, Donna Strickland and Rachel Sennot. Who knows what this develop ment means for Maher’s future, or WashU’s physics pro grams? For now, Maher is proud, but still somehow not normally celebrating as most would at the prospect for a future Nobel Prize nomination.
“Yeah, I ate,” Maher said.
WashU student newspaper to change name From StudLife to ChudLife
advocates for the name change since it first came to his attention.
WashU’s independent student newspaper is planning on changing its name from StudLife to ChudLife.
The newspaper has been named StudLife since its inception in 1878, or “Student Life” in its longer, less known form, but recent administrative discussions have rendered this name outdated and not truly representative of the student body.
“It was time for a change,” Managing News Editor Zach Trabitz said in a recent interview. “I’ve had a lot of people come up to me recently and say, ‘Hey, we don’t really feel connected to this label.’ They feel more strongly associated with being Chuds than Studs.”
Although SuperSenior Zach will be retiring from his position soon, he has been one of the biggest
“Honestly, I’ve always felt like more of a Chud than a Stud, but I never had the mass support to say it,” he remarked with a solemn look in his eyes.
“I’m thrilled to be one among my fellow Chuds and unite us, once and for all.”
Other newspaper leaders are hopeful for the name change for other reasons, however.
“The younger generation doesn’t read newspapers, or really anything anymore,” News Editor Selina Son said. “I think this new label will help us reach the Gen Alpha population, who will be attending our University soon.”
The decision was met with unanimous support from the newspaper team and unwavering praise from the student body. ProChud parades, according
Chancellor Mandrew D. Martin: The
Recall the infamous “Bees Incident” in September of 2024, in which a few spilled jars of honey attracted a swarm of over 1,000 bees outside Olin Library. We know
what brought them there, but where did they come from?
According to an anonymous source, this swarm of bees was simply a smaller battalion of Chancellor Mandrew D. Martin’s personal legion of 71,310 bees. However, upon further investigation, it doesn’t appear that Chancellor Martin just has an army of bees: he is the army of bees.
As to how and why these bees managed to infiltrate the network of higher-ups at Washington University, we can only speculate. One could venture that the number of bees is not purely coincidental — 71,310 bees, the exact same number as the dollar amount of WashU’s 2026 tuition before aid, seems too specific a number to be random. Whether the bees are simply seeking financial benefits or something more sinister remains unclear. It would seem that this is not an isolated phenomenon either. According to a student at the University of Chicago, who will be referred to as B.D. to preserve anonymity, multiple students have expressed concern that they aren’t actually being taught by people, but swarms of bees in business
to confidential sources, are being planned for after the new-name initiation date, which is tentatively scheduled for April 20 around 6 or 7 p.m.
ChudLife has inspired a new social movement with the advent of the so-called “Chudents.”
Led by Supreme Leader Zach Trabitz, increasing members of the learning population have begun to identify themselves with this label. The Chudents have been largely responsible for organizing the Pro-Chud parades, and their efforts pushing for the newspaper name change have been named among some of the most successful social movements in U.S. history.
Under Zach Trabitz’s Supreme Leadership, the Chudents’ influence can be felt across multiple sectors of the WashU community.
“Although ChudLife was the start, it won’t be the
end of the Chud takeover,” he declared. And he’s right — chudent sports teams, according to Athletic Department administrators, are seriously considering renaming to the WashU Chuds and creating a new, chuddy mascot. This recent ChudLife development is more than just the renaming of a newspaper — it marks a fundamental change in WashU identity, reputation, and future enrollment. In the end, being a Stud or a student was temporary — but being a Chud is forever.
‘D’ is for ‘d’Bees’
casual attire.
“I actually heard one of my professors buzzing to himself,” wrote B.D. in an email to Student Libel. “At first, I thought maybe he was humming, but when I got closer, it was definitely buzzing. And it sure didn’t sound like it was a human imitating buzzing, if you know what I mean.”
The implication that swarms of bees are infiltrating universities across the midwest and implementing change from the top down is concerning, to say the least, especially when their motives
and their methods remain unclear. What is perhaps more concerning, however, is the uncertainty of the fates of those who have been replaced by the bees. Where are they, and are they even alive? Were they even real people to begin with, or have they always been bees?
At least in the case of WashU, the yearly tuition raises are surely intended to distract from the true enemies to academia: bees. Chancellor Martin has declined to comment at this time.
GIZMO CHUD WRITER
Student Life should take over SU’s budget
Student Life Newspaper is an independent newspaper, funded from our own advertising revenue rather than receiving any funding from the University and Student Union to preserve our journalistic integrity. Still, we cannot help but notice multiple issues with SU’s funding, which we believe only we can address by taking over their budget and consolidating it into our newspaper.
If we got SU’s budget, our demands would be as follows:
1. All clubs that want
funding will do a little dancy dance for us.
2. All magazines and newspapers will be integrated into our publications.
3. KWUR will read our news, word-for-word, each morning.
4. All theater and improv groups will give us good press, acting like they actually read our newspaper each week, and that it’s really great!
5. All business
fraternities and organizations will manage our advertisements and ventures, focusing on market potential to increase our revenue.
6. All arts clubs will do our photography and illustrations.
7. Adopt a Grandparent will give us grandparents to manage our archives and give us the wisdom necessary to produce our paper each week.
8. College Republicans
and Democrats and the WashU Debate Team will write bi-weekly opinion articles related to a topic of our choice.
9. All a cappella groups will serenade us each Wednesday when we produce our newspaper, from 7 p.m. to 2 a.m.
10. All religious groups will pray for us every day.
11. Club sports members will write each week
StudLife soulmate?
for our Sports section about WashU sports teams. No, this does not mean we will cover your games.
12. All pre-professional clubs will help us get jobs. Journalism is a dying industry.
13. We will take over
Chancellor Martin awarded FIFA Peace Prize
WashU Chancellor Mandrew “Dr. M” Martin was named the second recipient of the FIFA Peace Prize, FIFA president Johnny Infantino announced today.
Martin’s victory was seen as an upset over the Dalai Lama, who was betting line favorite entering the ceremony. Other finalists included girls’ education leader Malala Yousafzai, climate change activist Greta Thunberg, and the Prince of Peace himself, Jesus Christ.
“My work to fight the Taliban was impressive and all, but when I heard that Mandrew Martin was behind the 3% increase in tuition this year, I knew he was more deserving than me,” Yousafzai said.
While FIFA typically does not give two Peace Prizes in a year, the organization was impressed with the way Martin orchestrated the deal to acquire Fontbonne University and the University of Health Sciences and Pharmacy.
“I am honored to have won this very real award that definitely does an effective job to recognize the biggest peacemakers in the world,” Martin said. “I’m in rarified air with President Trump now. I’d like to thank FIFA, a flawless organization, for the privilege of this honor.”
Upon hearing the news, thousands of Martin’s supporters jubilantly flooded onto an opened Mudd Field, donning mock versions of the chancellor’s signature rounded spectacles. While the WashU police cleared the field of the revelers, as they had
breached the University encampment policy, some students were disappointed with the result.
“I don’t know. I guess I get why they gave it to him, but the guy’s never invaded a single country,” WashU Neocon Club president Holden Bloodfeast said. “Trump earned this prize for bombing Iran and Venezuela. They should have waited until [Martin] forcibly took SLU to give him this award.”
The ceremony will take place in the Corner 17 line at Whispers Cafe this upcoming Thursday at 11:34 a.m. Infantino proposed to give Martin his award at the WashU men’s soccer home opener, but Martin rejected the offer, as he wanted it to be presented in front of a crowd.
WashU basketball
The month of February is a time to recognize and admire the vital contributions of Black individuals to our society. Many student groups put on displays to acknowledge the occasion, but one was notably quiet — the WashU men’s basketball team.
In recent years, the Bears hoops squad has not set any records for diversity — its racial makeup is on par with the attendees of a typical Clayton city council meeting or a Ladue goat yoga class. But beginning with their UAA matchup on Feb.
3, the coaching staff rolled out a new rotation, one that drew serious criticism. Changes were noticed before the game even started. Members of the crowd began to notice the shift when the team’s pregame playlist was dramatically adjusted.
“I knew something was up when they played ‘Sweet Caroline’ and ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ back-to-back,” observed one of the six fans in attendance for their division matchup vs. UChicago. The team refrained from dunking in pre-game lay-up lines, instead running threeman weaves and practicing bounce passes.
“We encouraged our guys to stick to their fundamentals and limit the razzle-dazzle,” said assistant coach T.J. Aschenbrenner. When the game began, the Bears’ white home jerseys blended in with the vanilla skin tone of their five starters. The team’s style of play shifted during February as well — the Bears opened the game by shooting 17 consecutive three-pointers.
“I have no comment on this matter,” said Athletic Director Achoo A. Asthma. “However, here is a ‘Defend The Standard’ t-shirt, courtesy of the W Club.”
FISH JAMESBACK STAFF
How to win the caption contest
10-TIME CAPTION CONTEST WINNER
Dear Diary, When I come home from winter break, my mom is so proud of me. “Wow, you must have AWESOME grades!” you would think. And some of you would think right, except that’s not why she is proud of me. “It must be because you remembered to brush your teeth!” some of you might also think, but I never brush my teeth. The reason she is proud of me is because I have won the caption contest for the tenth time. How? Who? What? When? Where? Why? I can answer that and more.
How: By scanning that little square in your weekly issue of StudentLibel.
Who: Me. Because I have garnered a talent for it, actually.
What: The StudentLibel caption contest. I just told you that.
When: Every week, if you can manage to keep up.
Where: StudentLibel. Look, if you can’t keep your facts straight or infer messages given from previous information, I’m not sure you’re fit to formulate a message worthy of winning the caption contest.
Why: Why? Really, “Why” ???? You’re asking me WHY?
Because. Imagine: The honor. The superiority. The earned qualification. The mark on one’s shoulder. All of this, yes all, from winning a caption contest.
More: Since I have won 10 caption contests throughout my college career, I am now allowed not just one, but two cookies after dinner time on Fridays. Yeah. And that’s something I’ve been wanting since I was probably, like, hmmmmmm, I don’t know. 5 years old. Yeah. It’s been a long freaking time coming.
So now you’re wondering: when will it be my turn for two cookies on Friday? The answer is simple, but it means you need to lock in. You must win at least one caption contest before you may be allowed anything indulgent. And, honestly, one caption contest is not that impressive. You have to win 10 in a row before I will ever respect you as a caption writer. It doesn’t mean you’re bad if you’ve only won nine in a row, per se, but it doesn’t mean you’re as good as me. And I’m the best. The reason I’m the best caption contest writer of all time is because I was born and raised in Roku City. About a year ago I mentioned this in my last article on a similar topic, and I really do think I should expand on this topic.
It’s a huge part of who I am as a caption writer and has made me who I am today. Here’s why:
WELCOME TO ROKU CITY, HOME OF THE COLOR PURPLE.
Setting: Roku City, Republic of Roku.
10-Time Caption Contest Winner (whispering to the audience)
I grew up in a purplestone in a city way more chaotic than whatever tops those most crime-filled cities list etcetera, etcetera. Every day, something new. Something that no one wanted. Giant robots stomping on cars. Aliens with tentacles eating my freaking school (yay). A crocodile the size of the Eiffel tower, just chilling. He’s actually cool. Journal factories exploding. The sun never coming up and it always being purple outside. Billboards promoting the HuckleRobby ship on every major highway. I’m actually kind of fond of that one too.
Suddenly we’re
transported back to when 10-time Caption Contest Winner was just a mere 5-yearold, only allowed one cookie on Friday evenings. It’s yet another tragedy in Roku City, and here we see a young 10-Time Caption Contest Winner witnessing the destruction of the only Caption Factory in town.
10-Time Caption Contest Winner, cont. (screaming in defeat.)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The Caption Factory explodes, and sends a young 10-Time Caption Contest Winner flying backwards. He lands safely in a heap of newspaper clippings, all images with unfinished captions, which have just flitted from the factory explosion. It appears that 10-Time was saved by these clippings.
10-Time picks up a clipping, and to a great surprise sees that it is a picture of himself at that exact moment in time.
INSERT ILLUSTRATION
Get ready for a WILD day of whether!
Today the high will be
420 Kelvin and the low will be 6-7, but the feels-like is soft and fluffy.
An area of high pressure has formed around campus as the endless midterms season continues. Scattered
showers remain around Hillman and Wrighton Halls in the wake of last night’s calculus exam. The National Whether Service has issued an air quality alert for Mallinckrodt in advance of Subway’s new “buy 12 inches, get 1 free” deal.
The water that’s needed to make the extra-long sub dough will be taken from Mudd Field, which will promptly be renamed Dirt Field.
Elsewhere on campus, a flash flood of admitted students is expected to accompany TOURrential
rain outside Springs Welcome Center. Rob Wild was quoted saying, “looks like it’ll be raining cats and dogs out there — it might WashYOU away if you’re not careful!”
In other news, Bear and Brookie appear to have taken on skydiving, but it
HERE.
10-Time Caption Contest Winner, cont. (puzzled.)
… How is this possible...? A picture of myself … but no caption?
An expression of pure inspiration grows on 10-Time’s face.
10-Time Caption Contest Winner, cont. (determined.)
The caption of this picture will be, “A phoenix rises from the ashes. And decides that 1 cookie is never enough.”
10-Time sets out to write captions for a living in Roku City, as the factory that produced them and the people who made them unfortunately all passed in the explosion. After attending the prestigious WooHoo University in St. SimCity and working overtime to submit expertly crafted captions to Student Libel all of his undergraduate career, 10-Time made the bold move to relocate back to Roku City, a place he
appears that WUPD has lost contact with them.
In their last transmission, Brookie was heard barking, “I don’t think we’re in Missouri anymore, Bear.” Student Libel and WashU Whether are the best source of super-duper-hyper-local
decided still needed him.
10-Time, along with his friend who began picking up the pieces from the Journal Factory explosion, became business partners and now own all means of production for journals and captions in Roku City. The pair deny all allegations of a monopolized empire, and instead encourage their critics to try making a journal or caption themself. And yeah, it’s hard work, but it’s honest. 40 years later, 10-Time decides to start a scholarship for undergraduate caption writers at WooHoo who submit to Student Libel, but unfortunately, he had to sever ties once the news came out that Student Libel got sued for libel. Though in contrast to what he had written in an opinion submission decades before as an undergrad, he decided it best to divest from the institution in an effort to keep his business’s image from being tainted. End.
whether forecasting for the WashU community. Want to know if it’s showering on campus? No problemo. Heck, we can even tell you if your roommate is showering! Follow us at @WashUWhether and we gotchu covered.
5
Rena Cohen
Headlines you may have missed:
WashU to replace College Writing with mandatory ‘Maximizing Shareholder Value 101’ course
Music Department relocated to TrumpMartin-Kennedy Center
WashU PD replaces stop and frisk with name and story policy
‘What is that?’: Chancellor Martin reacts to destruction of Burning Kumquat garden
Chancellor Martin still laughing at Burning Kumquat name
‘It was electric’: WashU baseball sets attendance record with eight people in the stands
Sam Fox School to replace career counseling with barista training
‘Save Me, Scene!’ column writers retaliate to post-Valentine’s Day surge in situationship queries: ‘Did the journal factory explode lol.’
Chancellor Martin seen personally destroying Burning Kumquat garden with a flamethrower
Chemistry department publishes new memoir: ‘Teaching Through an Armed Threat Alert’
College Republicans double in size after addition of two new members
WashU Votes disbands, cites ‘All of it. Just everything going on right now.’
I rode the entire Campus Circulator in one day
Who’s the real WashU dog? Bear and Brookie arrest Quincy on charges of public indecency
Nemerov cake thief strikes again: ‘He can’t keep getting away with this.’
Students react to ‘incessant’ fundraising texts from WashU College Democrats
Provost Mark West unsure what WashU is or does: ‘I haven’t dug into that much yet’
Provost Mole West’s burrow unprepared for coming cold snap: ‘I haven’t dug into that much yet’
‘What armed threat alert?’ asks WashU chancellor in email announcing purchase of new university
WashU Dems president starts podcast, Martin declines invitation to guest star
Corner 17 employees on strike: ‘No one can make three matchas every 10 seconds’
Cornell announces new Riney Hall construction, including on-campus Chipotle
WashU Log Rolling Club sued for deforestation, resort to sticks
WashU Wash to open up shower service; Computer science student enrollment drops
Chancellor Martin’s newest email tests ‘250% positive’ for AI