Driven to Brag /07 The Weekly Student Magazine of the University of Minnesota
13 December 2006–16 January 2007
Editorial/ Editor-in-Chief Jenny Odegard
Managing Editor Eric Price
Athletics Editor Nick Gerhardt
Campus Editor Sarah Howard
Literary Editor Jacob Duellman
Sound & Vision Editor Kristen Mueller
Voices Editor Nattie Olson
Editorial Assistants Lyndsey Danberry, Dan Olmschenk
Dear Readers,
Senior Staff Writer Elizabeth Autwes
PRODUCTION/ Production Manager Jeremy Sengly
Art Director Sam Soule
Photography Editor Ethan Stark
Web Editor Luke Preiner
Copy Editors Kelly Frush, Erin Lavigne, Rachel Levitt, Tammy Quan
Graphic Designers Dave Hagen, Eric Price, Becki Schwartz, Jeremy Sengly, Krista Spinti
Editor-in-Chief
Business Manager Angela Damiani
Office Manager Elizabeth Keely Shaller
Advertising Executive Chelsea Larson
Public Relations Director Elena Lyadova
Advertising Intern Tyler Jones
Advisory Board James DeLong, Kevin Dunn, Paul Froiland, Kate Iverson, Courtney Lewis, Kathy Schlecht, Kay Steiger, Mark Wisser
THIS ISSUE/ Cover Artist (Bizarro) Dave Hagen Illustrators Dave Hagen, Alex Judkins, Jeremy Sengly Photographers Lyndsey Danberry, Ethan Stark, Natty Wohoo
Contributing Writers Elizbeth Aulwes, Carrie Bermel, Stephen Christopherson, Lyndsey Danberry, Megan Dorn, Rachel Drewelow, Thomas Gaimon, Erik Helin, Sarah Howard, Jeremy Kleider, Katie Mae Kohlbeck, Kristen Mueller, Nattie Olson, Craig Rentmeester, William Nathaniel Heathcliffe Miller Stonehagenford, Kristoffer Tigue, April Vacura, Lindsey Wallace
/05:14 ©2006 The Wake Student Magazine. All rights reserved. Established in 2002, The Wake is a weekly independent magazine produced by and for the students of the University of Minnesota. The Wake is a registered student organization.
So, cheers to finals. And I hope that this year when I go home for Hannukah I will have the privilege of seeing at least one outdoor light display desecrated by high school kids. I find it heart warming when even the angry teenagers find a way to get involved.
JENNY ODEGARD
BUSINESS/
Cover Artist (Normal) Jeremy Sengly
Finals are also a good primer for the holidays insofar as they drive you crazy, so that once
you get to the part with extended family Uncle Roy’s raspy growl is a welcome change from the ones echoing all of the different Spanish verb conjugations of “to swim” inside your head. This combined with eggnog/nondenominational alcohol of your choice, is a perfect transition to life on your parent’s couch for a month.
Hugs and Punches,
Distributors Rachel Levitt, Dan Olmschenk, Luke Preiner
Public Relations Interns Marlys Huismann, Alison Traxler, Julie Veternick
We would all be lying if we suggested that finals are not the perfect preparation for the holiday season. For many of us, this influx of papers and tests is exhausting due to volume alone. Add to this the CLA curse of the “critical thinking” essays, and by the time Jesus’ birthday rolls around, I think many of us wonder why he waited so long to pop out of Mary. If only he had forced his way in to the world closer to the 20th, that English final would have had to wait until January. And by that time you could have gotten a longer nap in.
The Wake Student Magazine 1313 5th St. SE Minneapolis, MN 55414 (612) 379-5952 • www.wakemag.org The Wake was founded by Chris Ruen and James DeLong.
\ Sound & Vision
Bringing the Bedlam West Bank’s Bedlam Theater lives on By Lyndsey Danberry Minneapolis has over 30 theaters and 100 theater companies, second only to New York City in the number of seats per capita. And with the thriving arts community, the Twin Cities are home to a multitude of creative ventures. A group of students from Macalaster College started the Bedlam Theater Company 13 years ago, writing, rehearsing and producing plays together. In the spring of 1996 the Bedlam Studio opened on Cedar Avenue on the West Bank. The space was first used as a rehearsal venue that the group used almost free of rent. Soon the bare floors and red walls were filled with puppets, paintings and projects of all shapes, sizes and colors. Battle lines were drawn, showers were installed and artists were producing creative ideas all night and into the early morning. An old surgical lamp, thrown out as trash by neighbors across the street, becomes the center piece for a live performance, and stilts and fire-breathing are common tools used on stage. The Bedlam Theater operates as a venue and laboratory for innovative art. They act not only as a community center but also as a creative hub for local artists. They also get visiting performances in theater, puppet and dance. “We are happy to have visiting artists using our space,” Ward says. In recent years, Bedlam has hosted performances by the Empere Theater and Unraveling Muses. They have featured shows directed by theater master Maxine Klein and hosted events such as ROMPS and the Dance off.
Bedlam Theater produces radical works with a unique blend of professional and community art. The Star Tribune called it “the gutsiest, riskiest theater around.” The bustling diversity of artists, ideas and culture in this city is what has fed the creative energy of the space. “It has been a community center as much as a theater,” Ward says. “Our audience has become a part of our group.”
“It has been a community center as much as a theater,” Ward says. “Our audience has become a part of our group.” In American Theater Magazine Bedlam was listed among the “Hot, hip & on the Verge: A Dozen young American companies you need to know.” “Bedlam’s radical hi-junks area tool for disseminating ideas about community, democracy and the power of the individual” American Theater Magazine says of the Bedlam Theater. The Bedlam made their real connection to the community with their production of West Bank Story, which was produced in the summer of 2006 under Ward’s direction. The play is a Bedlam original based on the popular West Side Story. West Bank Story tells stories of past and current residents of the famous Cedar-Riverside neighborhood. From the Bohemian Flats below the hill to the towers that overshadow Cedar-Riverside. The play goes all the way back to 1989 where Slovakian immigrants meet at the “boom-town-in-town” CedarRiverside. The scene is dominated by flour mill expansions and labor unions. It then moves to the West Bank in 1972, where immigrants fill a neighborhood of hippies, co-ops, rising towers and riots in the streets. Lastly, it’s two girls in 2006, one a spike-haired biker and the other a Somali. The two imagine ways for both their cultures to share one world.
Lyndsey Danberry
The community was touched by the performance which highlighted their neighborhood, it helped in creating a bond between the theater and the neighborhood in which it sits. The Bedlam has been receiving requests ever since for West Bank Story to run again. “We have seen a lot of great things, if it wasn’t for Bedlam existing, not just as a place but the people, there would not be the kind of connections with the community that we have today,” Jo Manu said. “There was a lot of synergy made here.” The building that Bedlam currently occupies on Cedar is shared with a mosque. Their landlord recently sold the building to the mosque, which has decided to use the entire building for their services. “We had always planned on moving but thought we had a few more years,” Ward said. Luckily for Bedlam, their new space is a five-minute walk from their old location. “The community was very supportive when we found out we were looking for new place,” Ward commented. “We were all happy to have found a place so close to our old location.” The Bedlam Theater is moving down the road with only three of the original members left: Ward, John Bueche and Julian McFaul. The new space is located right by the Light Rail and the bike path on 6th and is over twice the size of the old location. They have a lobby, main stage and a fireplace room along with a large parking lot, office space and a deck with a view of the city. The new space, which they hope to open in January, offers a number of new opportunities for The Bedlam Theater. They are also hoping to obtain a liquor and wine license by late March. “We are gearing up for an absolute blast at this space,” Bueche said. “It’s going to be jam packed with activity. Anyone in town with new, cool art should book it with us!”
\03
www.wakemag.org
Sound & Vision/
Brazilian Girls Good times and positive vibes at the Fine Line Music Café by stephen christopherson A cool fog spread across downtown as I walked along Washington Ave. in hopes of catching a quick 16. It was a fog you could feel, but it wasn’t accompanied by the unpleasantness of rain. It sequenced beautifully with the vivid, calming sounds of my iPod. Our skyline shrouded in this mysterious mist, creating a softening appearance of the usually definite bright city lights against the pitch black November night. As I stepped off the bus and into the city, I was accompanied by a sultry yet soothing female voice in my ear. The walking bass lines and vast array of vague cultural instruments meshing behind her made me feel as though I was a detective walking the streets with ease, playing coy in the midst of great danger. I was about to experience the Brazilian Girls in concert, and I would leave a changed man. My pals and I took in the whole scene as we waited for the band to take the stage. A DJ played catchy pop and hip hop songs from all reaches of the globe. The café filled with eager chatter as the crowd size reached the club’s capacity. A blue glow was emitted from lights lining the walls of the upper eating area. Couples of all races, lifestyles, and sexual orientations sauntered in, all equally excited. A middle-aged woman dressed in all black danced alone near the stage in an attempt either to seduce DJ Paul Harvey or to evoke old memories of when the boys used to go crazy for her Latin-flavored dances of love. The biggest surprise of the evening though was a father-esque figure in the middle of the dance floor, old-man New Balances laced firmly to his feet, cell phone clipped securely to his belt. Smoke machines from up above welcomed the band to the stage. The fellas took their positions and laid down
Realist Down the Block Rages On 04/13 Dec 2006–16 Jan 2007
a swirling, yet loungy groove. Lead singer, and professional temptress, Sabina Sciubba, walked slowly to the front of the stage. She grabbed the hand of a few front rowers, spun them slowly, then let out a quiet moan. This moan grew louder and would evolve into the opening vocals of “Lazy Lover,” (from their self-titled 2005 release). Their newest, “Talk to La Bomb,” came out in September, and has revitalized the buzz its predecessor created. The third song of the night, “Dance Till The Morning Sun,” put the sweet beats of skins’ man, Aaron Johnston, on full display. He did an amazing job of fusing his live trap set, which was loaded with goodies, into all the samples that keyboardist and computer operator Didi Gutman threw his way. Didi was no Ray Manzerek (of The Doors) on the keys’, a couple of his solo’s falling easily into the category of “god awful.” Luckily, they were scarce in number and short in length, and always saved by Johnston’s breakneck dance beats, and by Sciubba, who pranced and swayed seductively without ever coming close to losing her effortless cool.
The band played tirelessly for well over two hours, never once faltering in their energy. The greatest beauty lay within the playful attitude the group showed the audience. “You want more?” Sciubba tempted, “There’s always room for more.” She often al-
lowed audience members to take over on vocals and was frequently reaching out to hold the hands of certain audience members, myself being one of the lucky few (blush). She sang in five different languages throughout the set, and never once let the audience see her eyes. Even when she ditched her odd fitting Euro sweater for more revealing attire, her hair remained in place, and her eyes out of sight. It was an intriguing effect to maintain this secrecy and made each of her movements all the more captivating. During “Me Gustas Cuando Callas,” (which I translated for fellow audience members with my sweet Spanish 1022 skills) she turned the mic towards the audience, shouted “Vamos,” and led us all in series of handclaps and a ringing chorus or bone chilling “OOOhh’s.” During one particular party time breakdown, two ladies were invited on stage to remove Johnston’s t-shirt while Sciubba was busy smoking a joint that a fellow had passed up to her. What a dame. The band played tirelessly for well over two hours, never once faltering in their energy. It was quite a spectacle and an all around good time. I shall invite all of you to check out their music and be sure not to miss your next opportunity to see them. The Brazilian Girls won my adoration and stole my heart, it was an evening I’ll never forget.
By Rachel Drewelow The war in Iraq, racism, placism, police brutality, the economy, prison, slavery, poverty, politics and the government all have at least one thing in common. They’re all garbage–at least according to one Minneapolis realist who deals with all that trash daily, in his front yard. “It all started out as an issue of rage,” explains Andrew Moore, gazing at the web of old toys, rusting car parts, cages and collages carefully intertwined on his front lawn at the corner of 33rd and Bloomington. Moore’s sculpture, “The Web of Deception,” lovingly weaves rummaged objects together, each representing an inner city injustice or American policy, with plastic tubes. Laced into the web, a baby doll painted black holds a gun and stands inside a clear plastic tube with a Confederate
flag, to represent black-on-black violence. To black-on-black crime’s left, is “The Impact of Drugs.” This installation shows a toy Hummer truck crashed into a golden dump truck. A toy police truck sits on top of the Hummer, with a sign proclaiming, “racial profiling.” At the back center of the web, is the “Chamber of Execution,” inside which a bloody dummy rests with a gun in its head, draped underneath the American flag. Several plastic tubes, which Moore calls “Economic Bloodlines of Destruction,” flow into the Chamber. A poster of Tupac Shakur, a wooden slate with “unemployment” painted across it, and the writings of William Lynch adorn the chamber. See “Realist,” p.05
\ Sound & Vision “Realist,” continued from 4
Moore has been tackling these, and other injustices, in his yard art for almost 10 years. His neighbors don’t mind the “garbage” in his yard, rather, most people really like it, he says. “A lot of people in my community are actually semiilliterate… I needed to find something that everybody could identify with, so I started looking in garbage cans.” Some people even drop off interesting pieces of “junk” in his yard for him, he says. Each spring Moore’s sculpture is completely different, but it always stems from the same source, and he continually updates the work throughout the summer. “I create my art out of anger at the realities I see everyday.” Moore, nearing 50, is now a father of five and has walked through his fair share of rage-provoking reality. Today, Moore works at his longtime job, as a “bouncer” at a nearby Loaves and Fishes, a non-profit agency serving the hungry in the Twin Cities. He likes his job because it is one of the only places he can help people who are even less fortunate than him, he explains. Moore grew up in Iowa and quickly followed his parents into the Black Panthers. At 16, after breaking into a house while armed, Moore ended up in prison for 10 years, spending six in solitary confinement. After prison, Moore became a boxer, but moved to Minneapolis in 1984 after losing a big match in Fort Dodge, Iowa. Because of his prison record, and aggressive nature, it was difficult to find and hold down a job. He started sculpting after experiencing job discrimina-
tion. “People like to call me an artist,” Moore humbly acknowledges, “but I’m not sure if that’s the right word for me; I’m showing people what’s already there. I’m just a realist.” Art became therapy, Moore explains, to deal with struggles he faces and sees in his neighborhood. “Rage is good if you can control it. But society has never given us, specifically black men, the tools to control rage.”
“I’ll keep on throwing my anger out the door, and putting it in my yard… I’m running out of yard though.” Moore tries to address rage through his artwork, he says. Through the intertwined representations of gangs, blackon-black crime, drug wars, the White House and economics. “I want young black men to see that it’s all part of this American system of oppression, and that we shouldn’t take part in it,” Moore explains. “People either don’t understand these things, or they do but they become complacent,” Moore says. Shaking his head, he adds, “Americans like to complain. But mostly, they like to go to the plantation, and put in their hours for master. And then they like to come home and root for the Vikings.” Moore, however, doesn’t advocate getting off of the couch to vote. “People are always so excited to be going to the
polls,” Moore says with a laugh, “ Who are we going to vote for? Another same kind of devil, one that’s got money, has never struggled like you and I.” “A lot of people blame everything on Bush, but for me Bush is just another part of the same puzzle… Racism, homelessness, police brutality, regentrification–all that stuff is stuff we’ve been bearing witness to a long time. It’s nothing Bush invented, and it’s nothing the next rich guy is going to care about,” Moore says before beginning a lengthy, impressively detailed and accurate account of U.S. history. Until there emerges a candidate he can identify with, “I’ll keep on throwing my anger out the door, and putting it in my yard… I’m running out of yard though,” he says, glancing around. “But I just like to tell it like it is,” he says, excusing the space he’s used up, “If people can’t see that, it’s because they’re still blinded by the light.” On second thought, maybe Moore is an artist. “Do you have to paint a pretty picture to be called an artist?” He asks, though we both know he won’t give me a chance to answer. “We run from reality because it’s not pretty. My purpose in life is to be this type of an artist, a reality artist.” Moore’s “Web of Deception,” is on the corner of 33rd and Bloomington Ave, in south Minneapolis. He will begin taking the sculpture down after the first snow and will, hopefully, rebuild again next spring.
Reviews
Jake Dilley, The Color Pharmacy By April Vacura Clever lyrics, engaging motifs and acoustic sound are just three elements that Jake Dilley’s The Color Pharmacy has to offer. The one-man-band incorporates as many as 101 instruments in one song, and
Matt and Kim, Matt and Kim By Kristen Mueller Type “Matt and Kim” into Google, and an ultrasound picture taken in June of 2005 of Kim’s then-unborn baby pops up, next to an image of Matt drenched in what looks like blood. Type “Matt and Kim” into YouTube, and a
never fewer than 20 throughout the CD, according to Anna Wiegenstein, reporter for The Daily. Iowan. The CD is just one half of Dilley’s creation. The music was made to complement the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to which Dilley performs live in front of three large screens that broadcast scenes from the movie. Each note specifically enhances the actions that occur in the movie, from the plucking of hair to the bursting of bubbles. The music is heavily reminiscent of Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon, to which Dilley attributes most of his inspiration.
able, since its motifs are repetitive. Nothing is original except for the whole thing itself— the music is representative of the tone of the book, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, written by Roald Dahl. Dahl had a notoriously uncanny talent for bringing out the dark side of both children and adults; personality flaws that are not represented in the 1970s-era film. Dilley’s soundtrack does Dahl’s original story justice by creating a dark lullaby full of terrifying melodies partly because Dilley introduces Eastern instruments to the confines of Western music. The resulting sound provokes an almost trance-like state and remains stable throughout, almost as if it is one song.
The Color Pharmacy is dark, moody and often predict-
myspace.com/jakedilley
possible explanation appears. (For the “blood,” not the baby.) In the video for “Yea Yeah,” the third song on their self-titled, 10-track album, keyboardist/singer Matt and drummer Kim wear white shirts in an all white kitchen. As Matt relays a chorus of “Yea Yeahs,” Kim bounces to the infectious beat, and tomatoes, spaghetti, pizza, bananas, ketchup, and other edibles pop up in small boxes below. After they appear, each food is launched at one of the pair, until both are dripping in spaghetti sauce and condiments. And later, attacked by friends dressed in fruit and taco suits, respectively.
vades the duo’s self-titled disc. And who doesn’t miss recess? With the average song just over two minutes long, even your third-grade self’s attention span wouldn’t be tested. And lyrics like “I play center field for the home team/You might not see me from the nosebleeds/I’ll stand on top of the dugout and shout out,” evoke memories of Little League games long past (“Lightspeed”). Back on YouTube, a slightly darker video for “5K” shows Matt and Kim, again in white tops, playing a house-show-cumteen-horror-flick scene. When Matt’s arm grows to Jolly Green Giant lengths, Kim helpfully lops it off, blood flies, and the Brooklynites are once more splayed in red.
This grade school cafeteria food-fight-style attitude per-
\05
www.wakemag.org
Voices/
He Wasn’t Concerned with Morality An army recruiter admits his apathy for you and everyone you know BY NAttie olson
tute with whom he’s just fornicated. But the good news is that we can see efforts to explain Islam’s complicated aspects given to us by media members with consciences like Morgan Spurlock and his show “30 Days,” where myths and misconceptions about Islam were dispelled by having a prejudiced Christian interact with a Muslim community. Through this effort, coupled with common knowledge that we just can’t trust the Bush administration anymore, it appears that Americans’ ignorance about Islam is dwindling. It might not be as fast as we’d hope, but it’s still something. Because of this, it gets harder all the time for the people trying to get you to sign up. As people realize that this war, they’ve engaged us in is dangerous and uncalled for, less people want to fight for their cause. When I was still living in Montana, I got into a shouting match with a recruiter who called me. After we hung up, I felt proud and happy after ruining his day. But moments later this bent pride mutated into despair, and from there to something worse. What he told me isn’t exactly something a person forgets. Every time I open a newspaper and see another headline about whichever horrendous current event our armed forces is responsible for, I hear his voice.
Let’s face it. The American forces aren’t fighting the Nazis anymore. What one person might call the “good fight” isn’t exactly black and white. It’s more open to interpretation these days. Unfortunately for our armed forces, more people are realizing this fact every day. Each time someone turns on BBC instead of Fox for their daily news, or maybe when one remembers that Allah is really just another name for the same God, or that Jesus is of frequent crucial presence in the Qur’an, it gets a little harder for recruiters to do their job. Speaking of how our media treats Islam, why is it when someone is strictly religious, they’re “devout” in Christian-speak, they’re “orthodox” in Judaism-speak. Yet, change the name they employ for the same God, and now they’re “fundamentalists,” “extremists” or “Jihads.” This mindless prejudice is unfortunately present in our culture today, is termed by some as “incognizant racism.” Think about any action movie you’ve seen post-1980; whenever they need a token bad-guy super-villain, what does he look like? For instance, Dan Brown calls his bowel movement Angels and Demons. Brown loves emphasizing the evil-doer’s dark brown skin, especially in situations like when the bad guy considers strangling a sleeping prosti-
06/13 Dec 2006–16 Jan 2007
The man spoke with a foreign down-home country accent. Never mind the fact that literally nobody I met in Missoula ever spoke like this; the back forty drawl sounding nearly as legitimate as Ms. Cleo’s Jamaican. The recruiter, after making bullshit chitchat about where I was from, asked, “Say, you ever think about joining the army?” I was angry with the media from my History of Islam class, loyally liberal and attending anti-war protests so any shred of courtesy I may have employed quickly disappeared. I asked him how many he’d killed and how he slept at night. I asked how Iraqis would remember our occupation twenty years from now, especially with haunting memories of American soldiers’ exploits at Abu Ghraib. Then I asked how long it took to perfect that Larry the Cable Guy-esque bogus accent. The recruiter was just as pissed, though. He screamed back at me about my duty to my country and how I had no idea how much I owed the army. I apologized sarcastically for not blindly supporting his terrorist organization. (It’s all a matter of perspective, dear reader. One person’s trash is another’s gold, just like one person’s terrorist is another guy’s hero.) Anyways, the recruiter went for my Achilles’ heel. He asked about money. If I know anything about college kids, it’s that we all worry about money. Because of this, army recruiters have a goldmine in our demographic. What,
with a seemingly endless supply of cash at their disposal, recruiters can offer to buy your soul for a pretty penny and a little window of time in your life. Two years, big deal! Afterward you’ll have X amount of dollars to spend on education. What they forget to tell you in those commercials is that even all the money Michael Jackson has paid out in lawsuits won’t matter when you die “serving your country.” We shouted about tuition assistance for a minute and after providing him with a list of the things I’d rather do than enlist, he dropped his bomb. I’ll never forget those words. Mistakenly slipping out of his forced accent, he said, “I’m not concerned with morality. I’m just offering you forty-thousand dollars for college.”
Here’s a man who’s representing the American Armed Forces, trying to show people the fun side of enlisting and trying to legitimize a war which could easily be considered the worst fucking mistake in modern history and he isn’t concerned with morality. Not concerned with morality! What? Here’s a man who’s representing the American Armed Forces, trying to show people the fun side of enlisting and trying to legitimize a war which could easily be considered the worst fucking mistake in modern history and he isn’t concerned with morality. Money’s all that matters? We hung up and I didn’t sleep that night because somewhere on the western side of Montana, Satan had been personified and my taxes were paying for him to continue. In the Middle East, a place that has been shamelessly exploited by American and European forces for at least the last 100 years, the body count can’t be determined and probably never will. The Iraq Body Count Project estimates Iraqi casualties at around 50,000; meanwhile, the BBC puts it at around 600,000. Why don’t we know an exact number? What does that say about our army? Aligned with this, there are roughly 3,000 Americans dead. Numbers don’t really matter. Because the minute the first person died, someone who was probably your age, my age, that’s when it became unacceptable. One dead is one too many. No matter what a Bill O’Reilly-praising xenophobic sycophant might tell you. It’s really all that matters.
\ Voices
Driven to Brag The new U of M ad campaign is just showing off BY sarah howard The Driven to Discover campaign that started in late September asks the public to enter their “single greatest question,” but it also allows University researchers to show off their research, and not really answer the questions. What a great “campaign,” huh? DTD easily allows those inside and outside of the University to see what our researchers have been up to, with University experts answering the questions being asked. It lets all those who are interested in the research being done at the U to easily access the information. I mean who wouldn’t be sucked in by the question, “What is my dog thinking?” But it also makes one wonder, who is asking these questions and who chooses who answers them? Are these questions asked just solely to “show off” a project the U is doing? If so, then this campaign is nothing but that, showing off. On the campaign’s website, discover. umn.edu, there are links to featured discoveries happening at the U. While I am not trying to put down these discoveries, this is where DTD’s connection to strategic positioning becomes obvious. The campaign’s goal is to show that the University can be one of the top three public research institutions, and to show that the all-important U of M is making a difference. But what kind of difference? While there are questions on the site about what I would call “important” research, such as curing Alzheimer’s disease and making affordable food for all, there is also a featured question that asks, “What came first? The chicken or the egg?” Now I know this question has plagued generations of people, but to me it just doesn’t seem to be important in the least bit. There’s another about Elvis. Aside from
ethan stark
the fact that I have never been a fan of the hip-shaking rocker, I don’t see the point of this question either. Oh, but if you were wondering, the egg did come first according to Scott Lanyon, director of the Bell Museum of Natural History. That’s the other semi-fishy thing about this project: who decides who answers the questions?
There is also a featured question that asks, “What came first? The chicken or the egg?” Now I know this question has plagued generations of people, but to me it just doesn’t seem to be important in the least bit. Lanyon is a professor in the Department of Ecology, Evolution and Behavior, so I guess he’s qualified, but for some of the questions it seems they never get an answer. To the ever popular “What is my dog thinking?” The response is simply, “no
one can say for certain.” Well, to me, that doesn’t give new information about anything and the theories involved in some of the answers don’t reveal anything to me either.
students and residents. No names, ages or occupations are attached to the questions, so who is asking them? “Average Minnesotans from all walks of life,” the site says. Again, that tells me nothing.
Some of the questions “How ‘fluid’ is the poverty incidence in the metro area?” and “Will solid matter ever be able to travel at the speed of light?” strike me as odd because it seems like they were tailored for those answering and were not asked by your average joe. Now maybe I’ve lost faith in my fellow man, but it does seem suspicious that some of the questions asked are almost too “educated sounding” to not have been written by someone in the field being questioned.
Of all of the questions asked (submitted online) in a week, only one is displayed on the website as the question of the week. This too seems weird because, who chooses the question of the week? Is that really the best question that was asked? I think chances are they’re picking the question they know someone on staff can answer, highlighting their research project at the same time. Two birds with one stone … or egg, I guess.
But the people in the pictures with their question are pretty to look at and are most likely models, instead of the people actually answering the question. This unusually high occurrence of attractiveness on the University staff calls to question if those adorable faces are who they claim to be. And makes me more certain that these inquiries are not made up by average
So here is what this “discovery” effort has “driven” me to believe; the University created this website in which it can make up questions supposedly asked by real people and then their most famous “names,” or researchers get to answer the questions to showcase their research. What a great promotion, I’m sure the cost of it is one of the reasons tuition is rising. Maybe I’ll ask that question next week.
\07
www.wakemag.org
Athletics/
Nationals, Here We Come U of M Rugby looks to make a name for itself this spring By Craig Rentmeester
This fall, the Minnesota rugby team, which competes on the club level, tore through opponents. They ended their fall season 10-2. The two losses came against the Chicago Lions Men’s Club and the East Side Banshees. The loss to the East Side Banshees was a result of the U of M squad pulling its starters to rest for the Midwest Final Four the next weekend. At the Midwest Final Four, Minnesota beat Ohio State 47-0 before taking down Purdue in the championship game. At stake was a trip to nationals. The Wake had the opportunity to interview captain and treasurer, Peter Kobliska, as well as president of the rugby team, Andy Belling. Kobliska is a junior who was on the 2004-05 team that made it to nationals. Belling, currently a senior at the U, was also on the 2004-05 team that competed at nationals in California. The Wake: Describe your role on the team as a flanker. Kobliska: As a flanker I roam the field to make it to every play possible. A flanker’s role is comparable to that of a linebacker and running back combined. On defense you have to read the play and make or support the tackle. On offense you must be ready to run the ball and support the pass every time. The Wake: How did it feel to take down Ohio State 47-0 on their home field considering they ranked in the top 15 in the nation? Kobliska: Our whole season was focused with the intent of beating number 15ranked Ohio State. We worked extremely hard as a team to make sure we preformed at our best. Beating Ohio State 47-0 was incredible. After the first score it gave every player on the team an amazing amount of energy that continually increased throughout the match. We just kept getting better as the game progressed. The Wake: What does making it to nationals mean to the rugby team? Kobliska: Minnesota is a national-caliber rugby club. This is where we belong and we are very pleased to be going to the
08/13 Dec 2006–16 Jan 2007
national tournament. Everyone is pumped to play the West Coast teams and make a name for the Midwest, but more importantly, make Minnesota a nationally recognized powerhouse. The Wake: How does this year’s rugby team compare with the 2004-05 team that went to nationals?
“After the first score it gave every player on the team an amazing amount of energy that continually increased throughout the match.” Kobliska: Our program continues to grow and get better. Our 2004-05 team was great and this year’s team is much more fine-tuned, thanks to the coaching of Loren Lemke and Aaron Schroeder. Everything we have done this year has been more precise and faster than our 2004-05 team. Watching the level of play from the veterans inspires new players to be just that much better. This year’s team has a lot of experience and heart. We will continue to improve with each year. The Wake: In terms of fundraising, what does making it nationals mean? Kobliska: Funds are always tight, and a trip to California means we will work just that much harder to get there. We currently run multiple fundraisers through the U and outside organizations. Raising funds is always difficult, but this year we have become more organized and efficient in increasing funding. The Wake: Describe how the program has grown or evolved since you joined the team. Kobliska: Each year, the new players see the level of play from the veterans and want to play at that level. We bring each other up in our level of play. Everything has become better—things are really starting to evolve and take shape. Our level of commitment, coaching, organization and dedication to the sport have all increased. Our membership has also been steadily increasing each year for the past four years. This season, we had enough players to make two whole teams that played every week of the season for the first time in U history. With the future in mind, we are ensuring the program’s growth and success with our actions today.
dave hagen The Wake: What is it like to ride in a van for 12-plus hours with your teammates for a shot at playing at nationals? Belling: The ride there is not bad. It seems to take longer than the ride home due to the anticipation of the game and a shot at nationals. It is definitely worth the 12hour trip to play for nationals, yet it’s always nice to fly to places. The Wake: After having two knee surgeries, what is it about rugby that makes you come back? Belling: There are three main reasons why I came back. I am a very competitive person, and rugby is a competitive sport. Rugby gives me an opportunity to stay active and in good shape. And the camaraderie of being on a team, let alone being on a team that is ranked fifteenth in the nation. The Wake: Do you feel that the U of M rugby team has a better shot at nationals compared to your team two years ago? Why or why not? Belling: Yes, I think this year our team has a good chance of winning some games at the national tourney. Our team this year is more experienced than two years ago. We have 10 seniors on the team that contribute. Also, the younger players are coming into their own and developing skills to maintain the status of Minnesota rugby. The Wake: What are the Rugby team’s spring break plans? Where are you playing and who are you playing against?
Belling: Spring break plans are to travel to Ireland for a week. We are scheduled to play three games against some of the local college teams there. Also, we are going to be training with the Ireland national coach for one or two sessions while we are over there. The games that we will play will be good preparation for nationals. Most European clubs are very talented and have very good skills. The Wake: What are the team’s plans for spring to get ready for Nationals? Belling: To prepare for nationals this coming spring, many of the players have been working out pretty regularly since our fall season [ended]. Practice does not start until beginning of second semester. We practice two times a week in the field house and three times [per week] once we are able to use the outdoor facilities. We may have an extra game or two earlier in the season (early March) to prepare. We are not quite sure. Our coach is still in the process of trying to set up matches in warmer climates. I know that he is trying to get in touch with University of Tennessee for a match. They are ranked in the top 15 as well, and the match would be good preparation for both teams before nationals. The U of M rugby team has finished its fall season, but the team can be seen this spring at its home field on the St. Paul campus. Visit www.gopherugby.com for more information about the team and upcoming spring matches.
\ Literary
Bonnie and Clyde
Parting Shots By Jacob Duellman
By Kristoffer Tigue Dive from the top just don’t stop as it glints with a tint of green hills that now gray fading hints of the young who cry out although dumb still can shout peeling chives that have dried yes, and died from the drought How she climbs, no she leaps lifting limbs past the cliff where her feet seem to drift in the midst of the deep So the two do not eat of the earth, of the air No, they dare do not feed for a wolf will not share
and they wait and they stare and they wait, where’s the light? And they stare and they wait and they wait and they stare and they grasp and they pull at their hair, where’s the air? And they shout and they scream and they scream it’s a dream! while they lean on the walls in their damp prison hall `til one falls from the heat from the steam it’s a dream… And they sit and they breath in the air it’s not fair…
But the room remains dark Yet they stare and they stare through the dark – through the night
so they wait and they stare
Lauren
Correction:
By Lindsey Wallace Fourteen degrees of winter, the trees frozen in their stillness, leaves still scattered upon the ground. An atypical coldness, one that smells like winter all the same. This is a desert of homes, streets, shops and churches. Its only color is the bright knit scarves that adorn passers through. Each body a small furnace bundled to keep the warm in exhaling exhaust in small clouds
Before I’m released into the wild for the winter, I’d like to extend my deepest gratitude to all the writers who contributed to many late assignments, sleepless nights and rushed Sundays. This semester has been a confusing, enlightening and all around strange time. I’m looking forward to Spring Semester and all that we have in store (serious, we’ve got ideas clogging the ether). Keep your eyes peeled for the Liminal—it’s right around the corner. Enjoy your winter excursions and please write me stories and poems about your adventures and misadventures. Keep in touch, and we’ll meet again. Go America!
that skim the shoulders and trail behind the body. The sun erupts through an opening shines down to defrost numb foreheads. Your maroon mitten wipes your running nose, as you look through the pieced trees and see her, one of those people you used to know. Like all this trailing breath, the scarves, hats, mittens that have been around for years, people who knew us before know things we never told them. Sometimes it is best instead
In the issue running Nov. 29th-Dec. 5th, the final lines in Mr. Macks Markin’s Poem, “Step O’er the Mississippi” should read as such: I will be on the cover of your magazines, I will enter living rooms and shit in T.V. Dinners Replace them with prime rib and sweet corn, Place medals of Honor, across the bloated hearts of the obese. I will tear compassion a new ass hole. And eat social workers for breakfast. Not to be brash
Fascistico Chic By Jeremy kleider
Not at all condescending, Simply overwhelming. Trying to play- A childs game Hop scotch, cross the great divide.
We are the Fashionable Fascismo, We type meaningless odes on Machina of Masochismo The Macho Gestapo ate my spicy gazpacho, So I made friends with a Rasta chick eating anti-pasto.
\09
www.wakemag.org
Campus/
Renewables are the Only Solution How Minnesota can be a leader in changing the way we deal with energy alex judkins
BY elizabeth aulwes “Energy may be the most important problem of the 21st century,” Regents Professor Lanny Schmidt says to an attentive audience in the Coffman Theater. The chemical engineer says that the United States is in a precarious situation. “We could choke our economy over energy.” “In your kids’ lifetime,” Schmidt goes on, “we got to have made the switch. We better make the switch.” The switch he’s referring to is renewable energy, informing his audience that oil is running out and now is the time to make the transition to realistic practices. “There’s no question about it. We’ve got to be sustainable.”
Some 20 percent of the energy used in the state is made from corn, 6 percent from soybean biodiesel and 5 percent from wind energy. That’s compared with only 6 percent of renewable energies used nationally. Fortunately for Minnesotans, the state is leading the nation in the exploration and utilization of renewable energies, Schmidt says. “Minnesota is in amazing-
10/13 Dec 2006–16 Jan 2007
ly good shape.” Some 20 percent of the energy used in the state is made from corn, 6 percent from soybean biodiesel and 5 percent from wind energy. That’s compared with only 6 percent of renewable energies used nationally, Schmidt points out. It’s not just luck that Minnesota is such a trailblazer. There are reasons we lead the country and steps other states could take if they so choose, Schmidt says. “We’ve got the pieces to the puzzle,” he says. Schmidt credits efficient farming practices, the U and public attitude. “We have a high-tech University [that] doesn’t compete with the technology industry,” Schmidt says. “And we have public interest. We know we need to do something.” The first obstacle to tackle is the dependence on oil for use in our cars and homes. Ethanol made from corn provides a real alternative to straight gasoline. “The yields of corn and soybeans are going up and up and up,” Schmidt says. Because of this, automotives can be fueled on a high-yield, renewable, locally abundant crop. Wind turbines in western Minnesota (and the even windier Dakotas) can provide enough energy to heat much of the state. Windpower is easily stored in water for when the wind isn’t blowing, Schmidt explains. And, common items made from plastic, which comes from chemically-altered petroleum, can be produced using biochemicals, thus reducing dependence on oil.
“There’s a lot of controversy about ethanol [and other alternatively-made products],” Schmidt admits. “I think a lot of it’s fostered by the oil industry… Our oil companies are monopolistic. Their game is to control the price.” The industry’s recent record-breaking profits help prove Schmidt’s point. “Everybody says that ethanol is subsidized and gasoline is not,” Schmidt says of the controversy. But it is subsidized at about a dollar per gallon, he points out. So there’s a lot of reason to continue to invest in ethanol and other renewable energy forms, such as wind, geothermal and hydroelectric, solar and biomass. Schmidt admits that “the complexity of the problem should not be ignored.” But he maintains that the benefits of conversion to renewable fuels far outweigh the risks, especially when environmental damage is added to the high costs and scarcity problems of our oil-dependent society. The environmental costs are too high to ignore the problem, Schmidt continues. “The Earth’s average temperature is a degree hotter than it’s ever been,” Schmidt says. Of all the CO2 in the atmosphere, humans have contributed a quarter. “Global warming has implications … We’re all responsible for this problem.” The way Schmidt tells it, there’s no choice but to adopt sustainable practices and renewable energies.
\ Campus
alex judkins
The Benefits of Studying Abroad BY Elizabeth aulwes Want to jumpstart your career, meet new people, begin networking, boost your confidence, learn a new language or become familiar with a new culture? Those are only some of the benefits listed by those who have studied abroad. “The objective,” American Field Service President Tachi Cazal says, “is to look at the differences in the world, to appreciate [them], to learn to look at the world from a new perspective.” Cazal spoke at a discussion entitled “The Power of International Exchange” at Cowles Auditorium on November 29. “There are so many things that we learn, sometimes without noticing it,” says Austrian Ambassador to the United Nations Gerhard Pfanzelter, who also spoke at the discussion sponsored by the Minnesota International Center, AFS and the Humphrey Institute for Public Affairs. “[Studying abroad] gave me and Tachi the confidence to embark on our careers.” Shannon Farley, a senior at the U majoring in art, agrees. “My trip to Italy benefited my education in many ways. Not only was I able to learn about the history behind the art in Florence, but I was able to work on my art,” she says. “I was able to take cooking classes at the Culinary Institute of Florence, which has really helped me get many jobs in the restaurant industry since returning to the States.”
“You learn that you have more pride for your country… I found myself standing up for the United States when I never thought I would have.” Studying abroad teaches self-sufficiency, says Camille Erickson, a senior at UMD majoring in Health Education. “You learn to rely on yourself because quite literally you are on the other side of the world with no one else you know anywhere near you to help out!” she says. “I found that to be extremely empowering.” Erickson also explained that an experience abroad will change your attitude and perspective on your own country. “You learn so much about what the rest of the world thinks about America—which is often times very hard to listen to because many do not paint a pretty picture of our country,” she says. “You learn that you have more pride for your country… I found myself standing up for the United States when I never thought I would have.” At the same time, many learn tolerance for members of other cultures. Anna Davenport, a Pharmacy gradu-
ate student, says that when she went to Prague, she couldn’t speak or read their language, which made communication difficult. “This clearly gave me an appreciation for what it must be like for new immigrants to the States—and I am much more patient and reach out quickly to those I see struggling the way I did back then,” she explains. Few people speak of regrets in the descriptions of their travels, but there are some drawbacks. Traveling abroad can be costly and there are not programs in every major, so some students might not graduate on time. But most agree that studying abroad is worthwhile. Erickson says that “the experience opens doors,” which echoes Pfanzelter’s support for studying abroad. “It gives you the confidence to achieve things in life.” Cazal looks at studying abroad as an opportunity to expand education’s horizons. “A classroom goes beyond the blackboard, the chalk, the computer,” he says. It’s learning to be a community and accept differences. For more information and to learn how to study abroad, visit the Learning Abroad Center in Heller Hall on the West Bank or go to umabroad.umn.edu.
\11
www.wakemag.org
Elf Fetus
jaundice Extra mouths for increased cookie consumption
Santa loves dick
Ham Tittie
flux capacitor
mitten hand
Contrary to popular belief Santa gave birth to Jesus
Chinese letter tattoos. Even santa makes mistakes
Candy cane Penis and Snow balls Penis for a leg a.k.a “DIck leg�
Methamphetamines
FEED THE HOMELESS, ON US. carefully cut out the delicious food below. Generously give them to that pesky hobo on the street. BE SURE TO SMILE!
HOLIDAY GOODIES The Wake sorted through dozens of dusty cookbooks, tested hundreds of recipes, and ate far too many of those damn Hershey Kiss cookies to bring you the cream of the crop. Hell, we even called your bitchy grandma. In the end, one recipe reigned supreme. We present to you, The Wake’s Super-Orgasmic Gingerbread People. INGREDIENTS • 1 (3.5 ounce) package KY© Warming Lube • 1/2 cup holiday-induced depression • 1/2 cup packed black tar heroin • 2 eggs (from your girlfriend) • 1 cup all-purpose meth • 2 teaspoons blood of small child • 1 ounce dignity • 1 package Roundy’s Gingerbread Men DIRECTIONS 1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. 2. In a medium bowl, mix together the dry ingredients (drugs). 3. Get out your depression and stir in the lube, don’t worry if you spill on yourself. 4. Steal your girlfriend’s eggs. Illegally donate any leftovers to science. 5. Go to Rainbow and buy some Roundy’s Gingerbread Men.
Express Education Hold on to your textbooks because the words won’t be able to keep up when the University of Minnesota changes its education plans BY care Bear Increasing application numbers and rising tuition costs have the University of Minnesota Twin Cities re-examining their policies on education and graduation. Effective September 2007, all incoming freshmen will finish their education in record time, walking in the graduation procession in May of 2009. The university currently has a 13-credit policy each semester to ensure that its students graduate in four years. This is set to change to a two year goal. This means that all students will have to take 30 credits a semester to graduate with 120 credits.
Through extensive research, the university has found that 84 percent of its students do not graduate in the four years allotted. “We are very concerned that our students aren’t taking their education seriously,” Bill McPhee, a member of the University administration, says. “Quite honestly, we think our students are becoming more dumb than smart.” “This new implemented policy really challenges our students in gaining an education effectively,” Alma Swanson, an assistant to President Bruininks, says. “Our students won’t have time to experience college life because they will be too focused on their education.” The sudden change is frightening for current students. “I am happily on the five-year plan, that would suck to have to hurry through the college experience,” sophomore Zack Brunt says. Rest assured, current students will not have to graduate with the new two year policy. However, the temptation of early graduation is possible. The University is offering current students the option to intensify their next semester by adding more credits and students choosing to do this will receive their semester free of charge. “Offering free education to students is attractive,” McPhee says. “This will al-
low us to secretly monitor those students and behaviors with an intensive study curriculum.” The University has an example curriculum for incoming freshmen in 2007. This program requires incoming students to know their major when coming to the U. For students who are not sure, the University is taking it upon themselves to put them into a program, without transfer possibilities.
“Quite honestly, we think our students are becoming more dumb than smart.” “Having created pre-approved programs will ensure students that they will succeed and graduate in a much more timely manner,” Swanson says. “Students must already have a major picked out or they will not be allowed to start their education.” The University plans to cut a few major programs so that incoming freshmen will have limited possibilities to choose from. Cutting major programs also allows the University to cut back the number of students coming in and overcrowding the campus. The new two year program will cost $20,000 a year for in-state tuition, as a way to make the same amount of money per
\ Campus student. On top of the tuition, students can also look forward to an additional $2,000 in student service fees. “The University is at an all time low in terms of money,” McPhee says. “We want graduation to come quick and easy and increasing tuition will also allow us to pay off our debt more efficiently.” The university isn’t the only school in the nation that has changed its policies. Several states have also changed their four year graduation policy to two years. The University of South Dakota has had this policy for two years and finds that most students enjoy the express education. “When I applied to USD I was excited but nervous after their policies changed,” Louis Vatton, a freshman, says. “I was thinking about switching schools but I’m glad I didn’t because now I’m able to get in and get out in the time it takes go to tech school.” Other Universities that have begun this program didn’t change their tuition costs. The University of Minnesota is the only one to test such a risky financial shift. “Believe me, our grants, scholarships and other financial help will not increase,” Swanson says. “Why would we make life for students any easier?”
Walk-out Scheduled to Bring Back Holiday Cheer Student groups speak out against the interference of finals on their holiday shopping routine BY dorn Dog With final exams just around the corner, it can often be difficult for students to adequately prepare for the upcoming holiday season. There is just not enough time to ace all of those exams as well as pick out that perfect gift. With the amount of time consumed with studying for and taking final exams, students tend to only have a small window of opportunity in which to purchase thoughtful gifts and bake loads of holiday treats. Student organizations, Retail Association of Undergraduates (RAU) and Damn
On campus, the DITG will be handing out holiday favorites like cut-out cookies, candy canes, and fudge.
In a joint statement released on Monday, the organizations stated that University final exams have had a direct affect on the steady reduction of holiday cheer over the past 10 years.
RAU has arranged for buses to bring participating students to the Mall of America immediately following the walk-out. This is meant to provide students with an adequate amount of time to devote to gift-giving.
it Tastes Good (DITG), are teaming up in an effort to reverse this trend. They are protesting final exams by organizing a walk-out. The walk-out is scheduled to take place at noon, on Thursday, Dec. 14, the first day of finals.
“I think it is appropriate for students to dramatically increase their sugar intake during the holiday season.” “Every year, friends and family of University students get nothing but thoughtless gifts and we have had enough,” says Kayla Schaapveld, president of RAU. “The University refuses to listen to us, so we have decided to take matters into our own hands.”
“I think it is appropriate for students to dramatically increase their sugar intake during the holiday season,” says Alexander Fink, president of DITG. “It’s really the best way to bring friends and family together.” There will also be several other activities for students to participate in during the walk-out, including a carol singing session in which students can walk to various academic buildings singing holiday songs. “I am really excited for the carol singing session,” says student Melissa Kuhlman. “Everyone knows that the best way
to spread cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” Though many students seem to be happily gearing up for the upcoming walkout, University officials are not nearly as pleased. University President Bob Bruininks issued a follow-up statement on Tuesday, stating that final exams will not be canceled. “This time of the year is for anxiety and all-night studying, not for things like presents, treats, or worst of all holiday cheer,” Bruininks says. On a side note, Bruininks was hospitalized later that day because his heart was found to be two sizes too small. Despite disagreements between students and University officials, both RAU and DITG are confident that the student body will finally say no to final exams and yes to some much needed holiday cheer.
\11
www.wakemag.org
Campus/
They’re Stayin’ Alive ... Whether you like it or not BY Dudette The University of Minnesota Pure Disco Crew started out this semester as a student organization that had a vision and pair of platform shoes. Despite criticism from some students, faculty and staff, the Pure Disco Crew is out to prove that disco is not dead. A mirror ball slowly rotates from the ceiling of Joel Bergman’s basement and a red laser beam shoots through a cloud emitted from a fog machine. Sounds of trumpets ascend in volume as it blares from the stereo in the corner. “Alright everybody,” Bergman says. “It’s KC and the Sunshine Band. Let’s tear thisfloor up.” Welcome to another University of Minnesota Pure Disco Crew meeting. At the beginning of the semester Bergman, a second year physics student, was listening to Pure Disco Volume 2 CD when it occurred to him that maybe there were others on cam-
pus like him, students who needed more disco than was being provided by the U. “I felt like I still hadn’t found my niche on campus,” Bergman says. “When I found out that for a small fee you can start up any club you want, I knew it was time to groove.”
The Pure Disco Crew is out to prove that disco is not dead. Bergman founded the U of M Pure Disco Crew and discovered that there was definitely interest in disco music at the University of Minnesota. After posting flyers all over campus, Bergman’s e-mail inbox was filled with messages from students eager to know more about Pure Disco Crew. Bergman set up the first meeting at MarcyHolmes Park. “At the first meeting I was mostly concerned with getting the interested parties together so we could discuss what exactly we wanted to accomplish,” Bergman explains. Pure Disco Crew members threw around ideas of hosting a Disco Dance-Off at the University and possibly expanding it to a
citywide and even state competition. They discussed their favorite disco artists, the misconception that disco is dead and how to deal with the negativity of anti-disco advocates. Another student group, Disco is Dead (D.I.D.), fought hard to keep Bergman and his accomplices off of the dance floor and away from polyester pants. But after all was said and done, Bergman and his fellow disco-lovers invited University students from all dance backgrounds to boogie. For the first song, he chose “Stayin Alive” by The Bee Gees. “I thought it would be such a meaningful first song for us to have at our initial meeting because a lot of people out there are against us,” Bergman says. “So to the critics, snobs and D.I.D, Pure Disco Crew is here to say that disco is alive and doing awesome!”
jeremy sengly
After numerous complaints from neighbors who didn’t appreciate The BeeGees and Gloria Gaynor’s voice coming from the park, Pure Disco Crew decided to hold their meetings at member’s house, on a rotating schedule. The group has many plans for the future including matching member shirts and uniform platform shoes. They also hope to appear in disco dancing competitions ... once they find such a thing.
TCF Bank Stadium Prepares for 3009 Opening BY Hi lee rink The highly anticipated unveiling of TCF Bank Stadium is set to occur this coming fall in time for the 3009 academic and athletic season. “Sure we’ve had a few setbacks, but the important thing is we’re now on track to reach our goal,” recently unfrozen past University President Bob Bruininks says. His cryogenically preserved body has been in storage since 2018 when he vowed that an on-campus stadium would be achieved within his lifetime. The ostentatious coliseum is reported to be well-worth its staggering $248 billion price tag. Stadium features include: an invisible quasi-dome giving the impression of an open-air environment (the atmospheric carbon monoxide will be filtered by Hyperosmosis™), trampoline-grass turf, 50,000 swivel-chair seating capacity, TCF Bank’s elaborate subterranean vault system and $1 hot dogs. In addition, the
stadium will be home to the University of Minnesota’s Stadium Rock Band and a memorial to honor World War XI veterans. “This is a very exciting time for us,” Gorax 32, TCF Bank regional manager, at a recent press conference. The stadium looks to benefit both the University and TCF Bank by strengthening their already ironclad bond. True the campus has been abuzz over the expectation of the stadium’s grand opening, but there has also been community backlash toward the canal construction that has occurred due to stadium construction. “Ever since the ice caps melted nearly a millennium ago, Minnesotans have demanded a sophisticated and decongested canal system,” Tiberius Ellison, campus historian, says. The construction has caused major traffic problems in the vicinity of the stadium.
Countless University clubs and teams are preparing for the upcoming opening. Due to the nationwide ban on football and baseball as a result many player’s diabolical role in World War VII, the men’s field hockey (the newly proclaimed national pastime) team is fervently practicing for their inaugural match against the Wisconsin Territory Spacebadgers.
The ostentatious coliseum is reported to be wellworth its staggering $248 billion price tag. “We just need to step up,” says Vantar 6, team baron. “I just hope the Gophers will triumph in their new home.” The Gophers have been thwarted the past three decades against Wisconsin Territory Omnicratic Governor Terod Xandro, a Minnesota Proper alumnus, is also prep-
ping for the event. He, along with Republic of Iowa Representative Kamaran 47 have reserved one of the stadium’s 39 oxygen-enriched luxury viewing pods. “I greatly look forward to the possibilities of peace that this meeting could yield. I see no better backdrop to ending the War against the ROI than a friendly game of field hockey,” Xandro says. Kamaran 47 was unavailable for comment. The opening day festivities will begin September 1 and extend through the 5; game day. Amusements will include a parade in honor of the one and only almighty Lord Xenu, a telepathic karaoke competition, a speech from the ghost of former President Hubert Humphrey and a performance by the preserved head of Ari Herstand. The 10-month extended forecast predicts acid rain, which may or may not lead to a postponement of opening day events, experts say.
10/13 Dec 2006–16 Jan 2007
\ Literary
Tis the Season to be Dying Under the I’m Going Eye to Hell I’m dead inside because of you. I see those times we shared laughing and being real until you left me hanging.
I knelt down next to him, The knee of my pants quickly Sucked up some of the blood. I propped his head up on the Railroad track. The brown grass devoured The blood like water, and Suddenly the sun stood up Accusing me. The trail of his intestines Slithered through the grass And underneath the overturned car. The two wheels facing me were Still spinning. I couldn’t tell if the sky was Red or black. Finally, the bright white of his Eyes and the flies landing in the Half of his face that remained Attached to his skull made My decision for me. Carefully, I wrapped my belt Around his neck and placed My shoes onto his shoulders. Dying through suffocation is Supposed to be euphoric, like Falling asleep. The Clawing of his fingernails on My jeans seemed to disagree.
By Thomas Gaimon
By Dr. Clonisuarus
It’s not fair being human. I want you more than anything— even toast, like when we used stay up late at night smoking weed and sharing secrets. Even the dark ones that nobody tells because they make them look bad. I want that feeling again. That desire to be more. But alas, this is not my shore to get off on. Because I’m drowning and not walking on solid surfaces. I want to be warm like a blanket. I want to shower you with kisses. But instead you shower me with a cold shoulder and an air about you like you think you’re better than me. You empty me and make me cry. I’ll never love again. Because I’m no longer a virgin. And you took away my chances at heaven.
The Cold of Winter By William Nathanial Heathcliffe Miller Stonehagenford VI It was do or die for us. The air was cold and naughty. We felt like that feeling you get when you walk outside on winter days—cold and depressed. I don’t know why but there was this thing that was standing solid on the side of the passage—idle, like the mind of a dumb person. It was frozen, probably from the cold—because winters here are known for not being liked by many people. As luck would have it, a car drove towards us at a snails pace and finally picked us up. The man had a darkness to him, like a sandwich left out overnight. I didn’t know how to show my friend how the cow at the cabbage so I remained still and silent hoping my friend would see the figures’ cud for himself. He turned around to the back seat and said “Hello” to me. He then looked to my cohort and gave a grin from ear to ear. His face twitching like the beat of a drum. “I don’t mean to make a mountain out of a molehill, but did you two rabble-rousers introduce that edifice to my land?” Mike looks over to me concerned. I know what he is thinking. His worried face said to me, let’s make like a tree Jim. Let’s leave. “We didn’t leave that on your property. Our car hit the bucket down the road a ways. Could you give us a ride to the nearest petroleum depot? We are tired and cold from walking.” The man, looking at us, not paying attention to the road, stopped and asked us to get out. “You darn kids and your punk rock music. Get the Sam Hill out of my car.”
Our hell became frozen over. Craving the warmth, our screams fail to break the clouds. And so we stood still, like a person meditating, hoping we don’t kick the bucket in the bleak cold.
\09
www.wakemag.org
Athletics/ Viking’s Owner Ziggy Wilf to Pose as Mario for Super Mario on Nintendo Wii Ninendo Wii, a video game console, was released in mid-November 2006 to compete with Sony Playstation 3 and Xbox 360. Gamers have been eagerly waiting for Nintendo to announce the release date the new version of Super Mario Brothers for the new system. Wednesday, a source close to Nintendo said that Super Mario is expected to be released in February, 2007, and that Mario’s new, higher tech appearance will be based on Minnesota Viking’s owner Ziggy Wilf. Wilf refused to comment on the situation and would not return phone calls.
Robin Williams Declines Invitation to Host Evolution Event Famous Hollywood actor Robin Williams denied a request to host a fundraising dinner for the Society for the Advancement of Evolution Research (SAER). Williams stated, “Because there will be other primates on hand that I might be confused with, I decided not to host the function.” Williams also went on to say that this will also give him more time to make horrible movies like Man of the Year and RV.
Creepy Kid in Math Class Rejected at Beauty and the Geek Season Three Auditions
Joseph Ketterling Jr., a sophomore from Burnsville, Minn., was rejected at Beauty and the Geek auditions. Ketterling, a self proclaimed “Warlord” and mathematician, tried out for MTV’s reality show after seeing other contestants kissing girls with ease.
New Health Insurance Upwards of 25 Fights Plan Won’t Allow to Occur on Boxing Psychology Majors to Day See Psychologists As health insurance costs rise and coverage gets more limited, new changes came late Tuesday evening from Blue Cross Blue Shield. The massive health insurance provider will not allow students whose studies focus on psychology to see psychologists. All expenses must be paid for out-of-pocket by the students. A spokesperson for Blue Cross Blue Shield said, “If the kids would study more, they could treat themselves. Since they are too lazy to do that, we will not foot the bill any longer.”
Due to misunderstanding and complete ignorance, many fights happen to occur on Canada’s holiday which takes place on December 26. It seems ironic since the holiday’s meaning has nothing to do with fist fighting. The holiday occurs one day after Christmas, which leaves experts to wonder if the fights happen because people didn’t receive the gifts they hoped for.
Cincinnati Bengals’ Next Practice to be Held at Open Field near Hamilton County Jail As off-field problems continue to come for the Cincinnati Bengals, Marvin Lewis has decided to hold the Bengals’ next week of practice at Stray Field. The field, usually littered with pop bottles, will be convenient for Chris Henry, Odell Thurman and Reggie McNeal.
08/13 Dec 2006–16 Jan 2007
Text Message Sent Posthumously Last words depersonalized like the remainder of meaningless existence
Photo Poll
\ Voices by Ethan Stark
What are your plans for winter break? Jamaica! WOOOOOOOO!
BY orville horrocks Nervous from the thirty-some hits of marijuana, he had taken on the ride through the neighborhoods. Bryan McCoy resorted to sending text messages to his estranged girlfriend, a sixteen-year-old student at McCoy’s former private high school. According to the young man, he was “bowl-cruising to check the epic X-mas lights, lit up like fire like me man,” he reported, giggling like an asshole, careless and unaware of his forthcoming demise. McCoy, a hopelessly tragic nineteen-year-old and an unemployed hair-gel wearing stoner, insisted that he was neither a hipster nor a hippie, yet maintained a distinct anti-establishment air. Recently, he moved back in with his parents, the experiment of his forty thousand dollar per year tuition failing. Upon being asked what he’d do with the free time, McCoy brushed off the suggestion of work. “I’m no conformist, I won’t join that rat race,” following this statement, he smoked some more pot while eating his parent’s food in his parent’s basement, his waxed skin warm from the designer clothes his parents purchased. Regarding the evening in question, McCoy, bored from watching movies all day, decided to smoke some joints and examine his neighbor’s efforts to entertain the season’s greetings. McCoy’s neighborhood of Rolling Green in Edina, Minnesota, which boasts residences of the Polad families and presidents of Northwest Airlines and Target Corporation, is never short on Christmas lights. This past Tuesday was no exception and a splendid treat for a THC soaked brain that was never too smart to begin with. After twelve drags, McCoy admitted that the lights were inside him, whatever that means, and decided to convey this newfound beauty to the woman of his life.
McCoy had developed a bony right thumb, which was thoroughly adept in sending text messages. This appendage aided him in depersonalizing a conversation that would eventually become his epitaph and death rattle. After years of using his cell phone, courtesy of his parents of course, for several years to cheat on exams in high school, McCoy had developed a bony right thumb, which was thoroughly adept in sending text messages. This appendage aided him in depersonalizing a conversation that would eventually become his epitaph and death rattle. McCoy, overwhelmingly disillusioned by the significance of this technology, warmly embraced all new communication products and services which flashy advertisements proclaimed to him. If there was a noxious hip-hop song and a silicone-injected woman to push it, he was always the eager consumer. Because of this lack of cynicism, he was more than happy to send ten-cent text messages
JEAN PAUL SARTRE
Individualized Studies Junior
I’ll be hitting up Brother Ali’s New Year’s Eve Party at First Ave. ethan stark
JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH
Undeclared Freshman
about how “[he] wuz bord and drivin round the hood thinkin bout [his] gurl.” His girlfriend Janette was eager to respond to her boyfriend’s text. “Oh ur so sweet,” she replied. McCoy, being vain as he is, scoffed at the text and leaned sideways to fix his perfectly gelled hair in the rearview mirror. Growing tired of the ostentatious light displays, the young man took to the icy Interlachen Blvd. One hand on the wheel, the other clutching his phone and pressing buttons, McCoy wrote how his dad was “still sweting [sic] him to geta job and get off the couch.” McCoy, however, “[wasn’t] some conformist.” Janette, aside from her admiration for McCoy being genuine, did admit without much restrain that the young man “could be a whiny little bitch once in a while.”
Going home to the parents’ cabin. I’m gonna be bored out of my mind. ABRAHAM LINCOLN
African Studies Freshman
By this point in the evening, McCoy started down 50th St. toward the trendy business section of “downtown” Edina. He had waited several minutes before responding to his girlfriend’s most recent text, and ignored her call from the preceding minute because “it’s good to keep’em in the dark sometimes. Like once she dropped the whole ‘love’ bomb, I just spat out my gum and smiled.” Finally, the young man wrote to Janette saying, “the new bond movie looks totally tits. It’s [sic] got this new phone in it I totally need.” After suggesting that they see it together, McCoy leaned over to the rearview mirror again to readjust the flawless style only the coroner would notice, at which point it wouldn’t matter since McCoy would be dead. While leaning to his side, pulling at the meticulously maintained gooey strands, he lost control of the wheel and moved into the oncoming traffic. He never looked away from the mirror, even as his German car was mutilated by the cold steel of the approaching truck. The truck, which was bearing a heavy load of freshly pumped sewage, spilled open and covering McCoy’s mangled corpse with sticky, smelly muck.
Nothing much, just working at Culver’s. GENGHIS KHAN
Cultural Studies 5th Year Senior
\07
www.wakemag.org
Voices/
Post-Coital High-Five Denied First-year student succeeds in ruining the moment even further ethan stark
BY oscar thomas mcdoogle First-year, 17-year-old business student Michael Peterson of Hopkins succeeded in exacerbating his short-lived sex life early Saturday morning, when, after losing his virginity to Sophomore Kelly Thomson, he raised his right hand for a high-five following his early climax. The two met at an open-mic event held at the Whole music club in the basement of Coffman Union Friday night. According to Thomson’s friend, Meredith McKenzie, they were drinking shots of tequila before the show at Thomson’s dorm room in Bailey Hall, where, upon leaving, Thomson had a “hungry” look in her eye. Peterson, a resident of the Superblock, had arrived to the Whole, and described the scene as “mad crazy with honeys.” After applying a few more layers of Axe body spray to his person in the bathroom, Peterson took the stage, his flat-billed hat tilted backwards around his head, the fake gold chain sparkling in the spotlight. Once his beat began in the rap battle, Peterson spent several moments saying “yo,” “what’s up,” and asking if the U of M was “in the house.” One hand clutched the microphone as the other waved to the crowd and groped his crotch. Once his two minutes had passed, the MC withdrew Peterson’s microphone, saying his turn had expired, whereupon Peterson resigned quietly, his sleeping-bag pants ensconcing his cowboy strut. By this point in the evening, Thomson had found a warm place against another student’s welcoming side. Near the back of the club, on the couches, the two sipped from the young man’s flask while he told her lies about his membership in a band. All was going well for the couple, and the shameful drunken “hook-up” appeared inevitable, until Thomson projectile-vomited her spaghetti dinner and thirteen shots of tequila into the young man’s face, his eyes closed, his mouth yawning. The young man disappeared from the club without comment. Across the club, Peterson was “testing his game with the super-mad honeys.” He was coming up with reasons to walk past a group of young women to demonstrate his carefully trained gait. Of the group of young women,
one Katie Andersen found his antics most amusing. “He was wearing these huge sunglasses, and this was inside, at night,” Andersen said. She discussed how Peterson walked past their group several times, once to go to the bathroom, another time to chat with someone at the Radio K booth, who incidentally did not respond, and another time to buy an energy drink from the vender. “For a while we’d just laugh when he wasn’t looking. But then when he gets back from checking out what brand the amplifier is, he takes his glasses off and winks. We just lost it then,” Andersen said. After that, Peterson reported moving seats, to avoid the women who were “hating on his game.” New seat discovered, nodding his head markedly out of beat with the music, he lit a Parliament Light cigarette. His white cheeks turned pink with pain as he held back the nicotine, and was quickly escorted from the club.
When she returned, she found a shirtless Peterson lying on the bed, one knee raised, his head cradled by one hand. One finger traced over the projecting nipple, which hung like an old man’s scrotum from the white man-boob. Upon being forcibly pushed from the exit doors, Peterson tripped over his unnecessarily large pant legs and landed at the foot of Thomson, who had also been expelled from the club. Thomson bummed a cigarette from Peterson, and soon thereafter the two were making out under the streetlight, Thomson’s tobacco and vomit breath forcing Peterson’s gag reflex. His heart pounding, this being his first kiss since a game of spinthe-bottle in seventh grade, Peterson, after several minutes, touched Thomson’s breast outside her shirt. “Where’s your apartment?” Thomson asked. Peterson told her he was representing Centennial Hall. After their walk to the dorm, Peterson and Thomson found
Peterson’s roommate, Angelo Mancini, playing X Box. Mancini, who described his roommate as a “fucking feces breath, mole-faced asshole,” was thoroughly upset and refused to leave the room so that Peterson could “get freaky with some drunk chick and have her ralph all over [Mancini’s] shit.” Peterson, of course being less assertive than a house cat, gave in to his roommate and convinced Thomson to go to Bailey. Thomson acquiesced, only requesting that Peterson change his pants. Later Thomson reported, “I should’ve just left right then and there. That was my chance.” On the ride back on the campus commuter, Peterson held his arm around Thomson while she covered her face incase anyone saw her. Once they arrived to Thomson’s dorm room, Thomson left a note on the door, begging people to not come inside. Peterson, too embarrassed, refused to get condoms from the C.A., forcing Thomson, still remotely horny, to acquire them. When she returned, she found a shirtless Peterson lying on the bed, one knee raised, his head cradled by one hand. One finger traced over the projecting nipple, which hung like an old man’s scrotum from the white man-boob. Thomson put on some music and rinsed out her mouth, and afterward, their foreplay was, according to Thomson, “so awkward that I sped it up so he’d leave sooner.” Peterson, after losing his erection while opening the condom, considered telling Thomson of his self-inflicted STD, where he acquired genital warts from masturbating with a wart on his palm, but decided against it, being the asshole he is. To regain his boner, they kissed for a few minutes and Peterson played with himself, trying to not let her notice. Erection regained, condom applied, Peterson pushed himself up and entered Thomson. Eightynine seconds later, he screamed, “Yeah, boyeeeee!” and climbed off, extending his hand for the high-five, and was removed from the dorm room, his fat body naked under the florescent light.
06/13 Dec 2006–16 Jan 2007
\ Sound & Vision
A Humble Proposition New diet revolution sweeps the U.S. by Jonathan Quick Crime rates, the spread of HIV/AIDS, and greenhouse-gas emission are falling at record rates this winter as a modest proposal reaches the masses and seems to be changing the world for the better. These drastic changes in the state of the nation are amazing economists, government officials and postal workers around the country. People from every state, from every biome and every street corner, are uniting, giving up vice, and improving the world by embracing a new diet regime formulated by a doctor from Texas: The Backwater Diet. “[The Backwater Diet] has united the country in a way I never imagined,” says Dr. Roundtree, its creator. “I saw scores of fatties seek help at my private practice,” he continued, joking a bit, “I saw more man-breasts and cottage-cheese thighs than I’d care to admit.” Roundtree says that after a careful study of possible causes, he determined that carbohydrates and fats were only indicators of a larger problem plaguing eaters: they just eat too much shit. Fattness, he explained, is some kind of negative reaction to foods our bodies desire, creating a never-ending cycle of consumption and guilt for an entire generation of eaters. “Think, for example, of the 1950s,” Dr. Roundtree offers. “People of this time were eating meatloaf every night, they were eating hamburgers and french fries by the handful for lunch, they had milkshakes at nearly every meal, and they never gained weight. I’ve seen pictures and I saw the movie ‘Pleasantville,’ so I know.”
Flesh of children has been shown to reduce harmful cholesterol, decrease hardening of the arteries, prevent cancer, reduce susceptibility to osteoporosis, and cure erectile dysfunction. “My solution to this problem has been called radical,” Roundtree shrugs, “mostly by people who are thin, people who don’t have to worry about obesity in their lives. I’ve talked to those who oppose my diet: these people claim to ride bicycles to save the earth; they eat whole-wheat bread like it was just invented. They vote Democrat for chrissakes! But I believe that these people just don’t know the benefits my diet can produce.”
Dr. Roundtree’s 230-page, best-selling book, “The Backwater Diet,” outlines his simple, humble plan for dieters: eat babies. Initially shocking, yes, but accepted at an astounding rate. Their meat is tender and delicious, says Roundtree and his supporters, but its greatest power is its undeniable benefits to health. Flesh of children has been shown to reduce harmful cholesterol, decrease hardening of the arteries, prevent cancer, reduce susceptibility to osteoporosis, and cure erectile dysfunction. Despite a decision by the United Nations to outlaw infant consumption, the United States has chosen to withdraw from the verdict, citing the many obvious benefits to health and society. Today, citizens from all over the nation are eating babies of all shapes and sizes, making cookbooks of baby recipes. There’s even a string of restaurants catering solely to this diet: The Baby Buffet, recently opened as an adjacent wing to the popular Old Country Buffet chain. When asked about the steep rise in teen pregnancy, Roundtree stated that pregnancy is just another means to make money these days, as babies of younger American mothers catch a higher price at market than the large crops of infants imported from South and Central America. An early worry about baby resources being swiftly depleted has lead to several acts of Congress creating so-called “Baby Republics.” The so-called “Republics” are countries the US has acquired strictly for the purpose of baby production and reaping. A rich economy has developed out of the international baby industry, prompting many third-world countries to follow suit. India’s crowded population, for example, is expected to reduce to one-third its size by 2015.
ethan stark
“This isn’t a fad diet,” Dr. Roundtree assures readers on his website, “because fad diets don’t solve national or global crises. And it’s only fitting that this great, civilized country will lead the way.”
\05
www.wakemag.org
Sound & Vision/
Deck the Halls with Patriotism
Several Americans jailed for violating Bush’s Christmas music ban By ISAAC MIZCOCKRING
“We three kings of ORIENT,” Bush exclaimed, “You’ve got to be kidding me, has North Korea been in on it the whole time too?”
“The real weapons of mass destruction are those catchy jingles,” President Bush said at a White House press conference yesterday. New intelligence apparently suggests that Christmas music contains messages to terrorists within the United States.
Delilah played two especially high risk songs, “We Three Kings,” and Mariah Carey’s version of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” during her radio show. The lyrics “We three kings of Orient are bearing gifts we traverse afar, field and fountain, moor and mountain, following yonder star,” are some of the most dangerous and mysterious, according to the White House.
Twelve Americans were shipped to Guantanamo Bay this week for violating Bush’s latest “proverbial constitutional amendment” (as the Bush Administration now titles its anti-constitutional laws made in the name of homeland security). The law signed last Monday effectively bans all Christmas music, making it a federal crime to listen to, play or sing traditional songs.
“Deck the Halls with boughs of holly. Fa-la-la-la-la, lala-la-la,” Bush sang, “that doesn’t sound Arabic to you? And just what do you think boughs of holly are?” Bush would not confirm what a bough of holly actually is, citing it as confidential information restricted to the FBI. “Most of those songs were written in Iraq, ages ago, and sold to naive American musicians,” Bush explained. “We suspected this years ago. Remember when I said Iraq had WMD’s? Well, sorry to say it, but we found them and they have already infiltrated our borders.” Another song laced with terrorism, is “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” according to a White House press release that our publication did not question, fact-check or confirm. The reindeer’s names, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen are actually nicknames of Al Qaeda kingpins. Rudolph’s glowing red nose is a reference to superiority of the red aiming laser of a certain type of machine gun. Delilah, a beloved syndicated radio host, has been arrested in violation of the ban as well as a group of 4th grade carolers. All violators will be sent to Guantanamo Bay for questioning, according to the White House. Parents of the 4th graders from Edina said they cannot believe that their children were working with the terrorists, and are blaming the behavior on violent video games and rap music.
Delilah, a beloved syndicated radio host, has been arrested in violation of the ban as well as a group of 4th grade carolers. All violators will be sent to Guantanamo Bay for questioning, according to the White House. Lyrics from “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” have been deemed particularly inappropriate for children. The introducing verse, “You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why,” warns about a future terrorist attack, in a particularly “mocking tone,” Bush said. The ban received little criticism from Democrats. “Hearing the 24-hour Christmas music stations, and the same old songs played far too loudly in malls and restaurants is terrorism as far as I’m concerned,” explained Senator Amy Klobuchar. Democrats were upset, however, when Bush asserted that Christmas music popularity reached an all time high during the Clinton Administration. “I’m not pointing any fingers. I’m just stating the facts,”’ Bush says. “The fact that Clinton ignored intelligence reports suggesting the tremendous danger of Christmas music, but that’s neither here nor there.” The White House has hired several of their favorite country musicians, including Toby Keith, Alan Jackson and Brooks and Dunn to create “pro-American” Christmas songs to fill the void. “How about a little ‘Deck the Halls with Patriotism,’ ‘Oh, Little Child of Texas,’ ‘All I Want for Christmas is Proof of WMD’s,’ or ‘Terrorists Roasting on an Open Fire,’” Bush exclaimed. “Now those are catchy, I’d sing along to those!” Note: All lyrics were printed with White House approval. It is a federal offense to reprint this story, read it aloud, or compose a jingle from it.
dave hagen
04/13 Dec 2006–16 Jan 2007
\ Sound & Vision
The Cutthroat World of Male Pageants about, in search of that perfect evening wear combo, or that perfect set of swim trunks. “It’ll be a laugh if nothing else,” I’d tell myself when thinking on the coming event. If only I had known … I arrived at the Coffman theater, excited and ready to please. Although I was a clean half-hour early, the backstage already closely resembled a British pub after Wayne Rooney’s red card in this summer’s World Cup (or Normandy if you’d rather). Several arguments were in progress, most on the verge of fisticuffs. One contestant was bending over a garbage can to lose some last minute pounds; another was down to the ground for a quick set of 50 push-ups. I walked through the mayhem, head down, trying to avoid eye contact.
natty wohoo
BY JIMMY JAMESON As I clicked my blue, size 0.7mm, BIC mechanical pencil and started to sign the application form for the Mr. Superblock ’07 competition, I was in utter ignorance of the seedy underworld of corruption and crime I was about to enter. A world of such unrivaled vanity and pretension, no man can survive its evil. I’d entered the world of male pageants, and would never be able to find my way back out. You’ve heard the occasional horror story, and you’ve maybe even caught the tail end of a related “Dateline” report, but even a fully detailed firsthand account couldn’t prepare you for the grim realities. But that’s exactly what I’m about to give you, partially in an attempt to slay the demons currently living within, but also to bring crashing down the incredibly naïve and half-lit way you currently see this cruel world that we all claim home. “I think you’d make a really great contestant Carl. And how could you pass up a chance at the prize money?!” And with this very statement, it had all begun. I was hooked that easy. It wasn’t long after that I could be found hustling
my face. “Oh what, you’re too good to stuff? You play by the rules?” I wrestled free from his grip on my arm and ran from the room. He stepped to the doorway and yelled after me, “Cut the self-righteous bullshit man! You’re no better than me!” The pageant moved quickly, and I somehow found myself having survived the first two cuts. With each passing round, the backstage violence and sabotage doubled. Nothing was too immature nor to dangerous for these contestants. Would your contacts be soaking in vinegar when you went to put them in? Possibly. Did a fellow perform an entire tap dance version of “Somewhere over the Rainbow” with
several tacks in each shoe? He may have. Was the life of not only myself, but of my entire extended family, threatened regularly throughout the evening? Yes, pets included. But are you ready for the worst of it? The part that truly disturbs? I liked it. By the end of the show I’d arranged the kidnappings of more family members and bribed more judges than any other clown in that pageant. And as I stood on that stage, Mr. Superblock cape resting on my shoulders, I couldn’t have been more satisfied.
“Just who the hell are you?” I looked up to see just whom this aggressive inquiry had come from. To my chagrin, it was none other than renowned male pageant contestant John Delpergang. At 6’4”, with smooth white skin, those tight red curls, and the sexiest walk in the biz, he was simply untouchable. “Hey, I’m Carl Car…” Bam, an uppercut to the ribs. He walked off casually as though this was standard procedure. The judges standing near could only turn away, pretending not to have seen.
In the adjacent corner stood a man wearing a purple Speedo, a balled up tube sock in his hand. I walked back to the dressing area to change. In one corner was a hunched figure, back turned and pants on the floor. He raised his right arm, and a glistening needle came into view. His arm shot down with great pace, aimed directly at his right ass cheek. I looked away just in time but couldn’t avoid hearing the loud yelp, followed by a shout of “I am the alpha male!” In the adjacent corner stood a man wearing a purple Speedo, a balled up tube sock in his hand. He looked up and caught me observing. “Hey! Can I help you?!” I neglected to comment, trying to look busy unpacking my things. Instantaneously, he was there breathing heavily inches from
\03
www.wakemag.org
Classified Ads For Sale
wakemag.org/classifieds • 25¢/word
Ad space, both here and in the magazine. adamiani@wakemag.org HP Deskjet 832C printer w/ good cartridges and cables $30 | 651-291-0827 erinandpete@comcast.net Fedders window air conditioner $50 obo | 651-291-0827 erinandpete@comcast.net New Frigidaire black fridge, 18.2cf topmount + ice maker, $425, 612-251-0577, dkim40@yahoo.com
4 black suitcases: 2 Samsonite, 1 Swiss Army, 1 American Tourister $80obo, 612-251-0577 dkim40@ yahoo.com
Other Guitar Lessons in Como Neighborhood | Beg-Adv Acoust/Elect, Rates OAP | 605-228-5595 Looking for a drummer and bass player.Heavy metal/industrial genre. If interested call: 651-492-8692.
New Frigidaire black range, smoothtop, $425 612-251-0577 dkim40@yahoo.com New Frigidaire black dishwasher, $285, 612-251-0577 dkim40@yahoo.com
Free Lunch and Mural viewing of OM’S LAW, on how to cleanup pollution in a hurry, cheap and easy, safe and sane. From scrap. Daily 11:00 am to noon inside and outside at the Pillsbury-Waite House by the painted Rockfish at 13th and 26th ST S, in Phillips. come, or be hungry. ARIZ ANON
New Frigidaire black microwave, overthe-range, $200 612-251-0577 dkim40@ yahoo.com New Slumberland full mattress, box spring + frame, $185, 612-251-0577 dkim40@yahoo.com
Post-Coital High-Five Denied/06 The Weekly Student Magazine of the University of Minnesota
13 December 2006–16 January 2007