The new editor of El Burro, Laurie Muller, was born at an early age in Hotel rneu Hospital. Laurie was not ill at the time, but her mother was and Laurie wanted to share the event with her family, and to be near her mother. (Her mother had been working too hard, and had been admitted to the hospital with labor pains.)
Every summer, the MuUer family would go to New York, but Laurie always manged to find them.
In the second grade, Laurie ran into a Pole, neccessitating several stitches; and starting a life-long attraction for foreign men.
In high school, she won the Betty Crocker Homemaker of the Year Award, but the localcarpenter's union (of which her father is a member) made her give it back because she had used non-union workers
Upon graduation, she decided shedidn't want to go to college, so she enrolled·instead at UT ElPaso.
Her favorite hobby is gourmet cooking. Her specialty is stewed gourmet with prunes on rice. She alsoreads palms, cards, and cereal boxes.
She is employed by the Lighthouse for the blind as at seeing-eye person for a blind dog.
She regards the most momentous occassion of her life as being chosen editor of the El Burro. "There were six people applying for the job of editor, but only three of them were· qualified. Fortunatly, all three ofthem weren't interested, so I got the job."
AN OPEN LETTER TO ETHNIC AMERICA
Hey Boy,
In recent years we WASP'~ have come under heavy attack from minority Americans. They have gone so far asto call u_s • honky, gringo, ~hity, schmuck, and most recently lilly. This outrageohs conduct must stop.
To reach out the first hand of brotqer hood let me. put to death some vicous misconceptions of we poor whites.
1. Soul Food - We practically invented it - what could. be more soulful than Hi-C, tuna salad, and Lorna Doons?
2. Naturals - Our hair is just as natural as anyone else's. I. suggest that we change. the name of our longer hair styles to Northern Mediterranian.
3. Soul in· general - pray tell Tammy Wynette is no ethnic, is she?
All of this, we are truly your equals, yet we are socially disgraced to organize. Have you ever heard of the National Association for the Advancement of Whi.te People? A scholarship program for deserving whites? What's History Week? Who is there to prntect ourright?
Dear Ernie:
Dear Ernie
In response to our last series of articles on comparitive All of us dudes in your farout pad really freakout on your religion, in which we discussed the fallacies of all lesser bogus paper man. We dig the• way ya put down all the. big religions against the true faith of Bukawnon, {the worship of cats around town and the campus. We're also a bunch of the ·all high Chicken) we received several fascinating and left-wing radical hippy creeps that appear to be unde~ the enlightening,rebuttals in the form of two firebombs and six influence of drugs. Please send us copies of the papers and bolts of lightning. Many readers, less fmagiriative, restricted names of all campus organizations and activities that you themselves to writing letters, which, in the interest of belong to (we want to join too) and names of your nearest· freedom of religion and fair journalism, we reprint below.
• relatives.
Cheif of Police to the El Burro staff:
UT El Paso High
Dear Ernie: KampusKops
I have been doing· independent research on campus and have reached some startling conclusions. I· have discovered that ari amazing number. of students at UT El· Paso use mariuana on a regular basis.Could you please explain to me why such a large number of young.people would engage in mch disgusting illegal and immoral behavior?
.Puzzled
I was deeply shocked by. the articles you ran a short whle ago about some perverted sect which you referred to as Bukawnon. I am aghast that such a high quality magazine as yourselves should thus allow the true faith to be ignored while you set yourselves up for eternal damnation with this idiotic drivel.
clemore swatxl • 2nd prophet of Chevrolen God of station wagons·
Your G@$ D"&%@¼* M//! *+@$ F / /@*+&*,
An acute shortage ofhassih.
Dear Ernie:
My mother never told me about Uitr*-Br*t*, what should I do?
Worried
Go to Juarez and ask for a cab driver named Pedro.
Dear Ernie:
I am i:iew in town and am desiro.us of female companionship. Could you tell me where to meet some
girls?
Dear Ernie:
.Newcomer
In your first issue I told you that I do not write letters to complete strangers. In you se·cond you said that you did not receive letters from ·perfect strangers. I think that this is a great policy and therefore am willing to write you this note, if in return you wonc.t print it."
Cross my heart and hope to die.
Dear Ernie:
Jay Thumb
I have just finished reading your S$//¼+ bunch of c//@¼U about the obscene antigod Buk!lwnon. I was sop$@?+* that I eit!ier had to write this letter or immediately b&%$@*. I am determined to catch each one of you and either c@+)'&% you, or, to the ones upon whom such an act would be inappropriate, to at 'the least, the very least, $&(&¼:@*"! you unmercifully. I can only say in ending $+)('.*?@:$%$&M '($+"!!!!!!! '
B.Graham
•Repent sinners!
Having just read your article on the false God Bukawnon, I was immediately by the obvious depths to which you have fallen. I plead with you to give up your idolatry, your horrible ·blasphaemy and to turn your backs on the depravity to which you abandoned yourselves and return to the open arms of the all-high, all-forgiving God who waits to welcome you home.
Pious Godlove 1st church of Satan
Ernie. Clods,
Why was Arleigh B. Templeton appointed without committee approval?
•. Charlie La Matre
How dare you try to pass off as the true faith the sickening conglomeration of strange practices which you attempted to dignify by giving it the name of Bukawnon. I was so upset by your pointless rigamarole and meaningless practices that I said a word for which I had to do four Hail Mary's and and Our Fat}:ier in penance.
I have a dream that someday down in Watts, Cal. little black boys and little white boys can take up arrris and riot Dear Chuck: together.
The board of regents felt that Dr. Templeton, an
1 have a dream that someday down in E!Paso Texas white administrator without any campus to speak of belonged at Dear El Burro Staff, men and women can be opressed side by side, QY Willie UT E!Paso, a campus with no administration to speak of. Shit! Farah.
Free us now-' we are your equals:
Dear Ernie:
What makes UT El· Paso student publications so
Plans were announced today for the first major anti-war mediocre? demonstration in campus history. The announcement was made at noon last Thursday by Paisley Fraizer. Frazier, a self-proclaimed non-v.iolent revolutionary druid missionary from Pasadena, California, is presently working on a Bachelor of Perversion with a major in Child Molesting at U.T. El Paso. "This is the culmination of years of planning," said Frazier during a noon press conference.
When questioned on the matter of the recent peace treaty, Frazier replied, The Peace treaty wiffnot interfere with the demonstration~ for two reasons. First, we did not receive permission for the de1nonstration to be held on campus until after thr treaty was signed. Secondly, I have recieved information from an informed source that the treaty will be broken. My source revealed that the U.S. h,is broken many teaties with non-white nations and this will probably just be one more." Frazier refused to reveal his source saying that he would only describe his source as "qualified."
Investigative work by this reporter has revealed the secret source as probably either John Walkingbear or Richard Fasthorse.
El Burro
ON THE COVER: Who made the salad'1?? STAPH (AND OTHER DISEASES): Big Banana - Lulu "the yellow" Muller; Managing Iditor - John Sighburp; Ass. Managers - Ken Muncy, Eric "Ricky Nelson" Mylo; Flaptography - Crystal Clearr; Staph Gigglers: Zoila Valentino, • Randy Nolen, Buster "the Scratch" Crabbs, Fred Keyser and Begonia the Kraut. Special thinks to Spear Murray, Back Mallod and "Mr. Liberal." Speciller tanks (tanks but no tanks) to Joel Missing for not con tributing.
Smith
BYU
This naturally was not all the correspondance we recieved, but a first class rag such as ourselves can hardly sink to printing letters from freaks who. sign themselves a belonging to such obscure sects as the Baptists and Presbyterians and ~ethodists, and Episcopals and
EL BURRO is the pungent ripsnorting addict of Student Publications, U.T. EI Paso (Que?), El Paso, Texas. Reproduction on this paper could be very messy. Reproduction of this paper is virtually impossible as it was given· an illegal .vasectomy 3 weeks prior to release. Opinions expressed in this brochure of sin were found pillaging through the "Flowsheet" and are' in no way, shape or form representative of the Irish Republican Army (or U.T. El Paso). We write the letters to the editor so • don't bring us any. We deserve the right to omit, eat, tickle or ruin the reputation of any material submitted for publication. The only dope worth shooting • is Spiro Agnew.
Bishop Sheen
Tom Fenton
Lousy journalist and the absence of Tom Fenton provide a cheerful balance. •
Remember, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.
There are forty people in the wprld • and 5 of them are hatnburgers. - Capt. Beefheart
you all think comedy is just something to laugh at mason williams
California is alright if you're an orange ~anon.·.·
either this .man's dead or my watch is .stopped - groucho marx
Of course there is an alternative to taking the final.
Yes, everybody has to take 3/01 English.
I don 't card/ it d~s only happen when there's a full moon-, 1 think you should have _ toid me, Martha.
-·DressRight Dress!
-. The :rky is f:im,.g! The slcy ii fallinKI i ',.
World News Ground
EL PASO (UPI}- One hundred Biology students at UTEP conducted experiments testing household prodllcts found.in local drugstores and supermarkets. The - most interesting discovery was the product Preparation H. According to the researchers, "Users of Preparation H were found Jo have I 3% fewer cavities and 51 % brighter and whiter teeth."
NEW YORK (AP) - An unfortunate incident last Saturday left world reknowned sportcaster, Howard Koselle, totally
WASH., D,C. (UPI):...._ Passei-byes in the nations capitol today were puzzled bu the large number of pigeons flying _ around the senate buHding. The cause was traced to Con gress' battle with the telephone company•· over the corripnay's soaring pdces. Senator Mansfield stated about the pigeons, "They do get kind of pesky at times especially if you forget to wear a hat while outdoors, but they sure make damn good messengers."
blind. and without sight. From witnesses on the scene, it ELPASO (AP) - Two-hundred 8-52 bombers dropped over seems that Muhammed Ali, by pure accident, got two of his two tons of bombs on the UTEP. campus yesterday. Army fingers caught ithe eyes of Koselle after a fight between Ali officials stated the reason for the attack was that UTEP was and Rocky Gibralter. Presently, Koselle is making found to a communist's plot to deteriorate the minds of the 0 arrangements for the printing of a new weekly column, "the • students attending the school. way I hear it, "
• EL PASO (AP). - A worker at the MacBobo's Hamburger SHREVEPORT, La.· (UPI) - The Fifth Street Baptist restraurant was injured yesterday when five crates of Church announced that they would hold a recreation of the hamburger patties fell on top of him. He was rushed to •crucifixion of Jesus. They also reported that they gathered a Thomason General Hospital where he was pronounced in Rabbi, a Budist and a Moslem to play the parts ofthose rediculous condition. MacBobo's manager stated that the crucified that day. For added realism, their arn1s would be national chain of restraurant planned to sue the young man actually nailed to the cross. Admission tickets are on sale for for slowing tip business for almost 35 seconds. •two dollars.
WASHINGTON (AP) - President Noxin declared a state of emergency Monday night over network television, three days after the White House discovered the presidential seal _ was missing.
Although President· Noxim discovered the loss at 9 a.m. Friday when he was going to try out a new stamp pad, it was through Jock Und~rson's column Monday that a shocked nation learned of the. occurrence.
This prompted the White House to hold an emergency press conference Monday at 3 p.m. where Rolando Seegler, the president's, press secretary, told newsmen that the presidential seal -was believed stolen between Thursday· night and Friday morning when the president discovered the loss.
"The White House has received no word from those who have stolen the seal/' Seegler said
Seegler went on to say that the FBI has placed its top agents in the case. The CIA has joined the case, turning it into an international hunt.
Th~ White House gardeners have also been mobilized into action. Head gardener, Nicolas Harris said, "We are combing the White House and Capitol lawns. We are leaving no stone or grass blade unturned in our search for the presidential seal."
WASh., D.C. (UPI) - The Pentagon was thrown into "Here in Washington," Seegler said, "the National Guard, SAN FRANCISCO (AP)_ An atomic bomb has just devistated the state of Hawaii and from previous reports, several large bombers are headed for the U.S west coast. After the publication ·and airing of this bulletin, the country will be thrown into widespread panic and uncontrollable chaos.
NEW YORK {AP) - President Richard M. Nixon attendee the Broadway play, "Bare", last evening. As a finale to the
play, 20 young ladies walked out on stage completely naked Nixon stated, "The more of the young people I see today the more I like them." Nixon stayed for the eight o'clock and 10 o'clock showing as well as the six o'clock premier While he was leaving the theater the president was heard tc say to himself, "It makes me feel like getting involved."
NEW YORK (UPI)~ Last night, president of NBC, Jerry P. Cox, announced the cancellation of the TV show, "Life in the Family" .due to the degenerating effect on the American public; According to Cox, the show .was fit for the .viewing of "morons, imbeciles, and idiots." A national poll revealed recently that "Life in the Family" has an at1dience of 70% of the nations population.
uncontrollable chaos yesterday when General Wesmorton's called in from all over the nation, are looking for it." typewriter stopped operating. After a four hour In his emergency address the president reassured a investigation, the FBI found that the machine was not • stricken nation that he had a secret plan to recover the seal. plugged in. SAbotage is suspected by FBI agents although a He did not say what the plan was. further investigation will be held to determine the exact He did say, "Let me make this perfectly ambiguous. We
cause. Wesmorton stated concerning the incident', "It's them wiU spare no trouble to recover the presidential seal - the Ionhaired commies that done it!" symbol of our country. I promise to have that symbol in my WASH. D.C. (AP) __ After signing of the peace treaty office without the United States losing its honor. And let me with North Viet • Nam, the Secretary of ·Treasury say that I will-never grant pardon to those who have stolen announced that the treasury had 80 million dollars with it." to spend it on. A cabinet meeting was called In an. unprecedented move the White HOuse called immediately by President Nixon to discuss the problems. vice-president Spiral D. Eggnew back from the Palm Springs Several ways to spend the money were proposed: First, •golf course •. start a new war; second, put it on Betsy's Baby in the Eggnew refused to comment on the case to reporters who· fifth at Aqueduct; third, have a giant stag party; fourth, met him at the airport when he arrived at 4 p.m. Monday.
buy a life time pass to Disneyland with was strongly Questioned as to why he hadn't returned to the capitol on opposed by Kissinger who stated he. would_ rather have a Friday when the theft was discovered, the reluctant Eggnew lifetime pass to Madame Magnolia's Home. _After the ·1ong. answered, "Because I'd been out on the co1;lfSe since meeting had ended, it was found that the 80 million was Thursday morning and didn't receive word of this atrocity not in the bank nor .had it been there for some time. until this morning when I got back to my room."
After an investigation, FBI agents discovered that the A curious reporter then asked Eggnew what his score· entire some was· bet by Spiro Agnew, on Senator George h<c1d been after four days out on the green. The McGovern for the • presidential election: When asked vice-president just broke down and cried. about his ·action, Agnew stated, "I was given 5-1 odds, I In his column Underson added that his White House couldn't pass up odds like that." source had said the presidential advisers thought it highly - suspicious that George Magovern, -defeated Democratic
We.Forgot The Dead
· Then Sgt. Baldo met up with the Army and his life
The world stood still for a moment today as Sgt. Paul· (P - changed for the better. edro) Baldo enlisted for another four years in the Army. "For once in mylife I felt like I was really doing
A crowd of some 200. watched from below as Sergeant h. A.
Baldo repeated the words of re-enlistment from atop the •th hell it was." Education Building. · After completing basic training at FL Ord, Calif., Sergeant ''I wanted to feel real good for this occasion," Sergeant · Baldo was assigned to Ft. Benjamin. Harrision, Ind., for Baldo said, "sol went out and got good and drunk the night · training as as information __ specialist. Then he received orders before." for Ft. Bliss.
Sergeant Baldo, dubbed Pedro, is from the Philippines where he was active in the Huk Rebellion. He was also Why did Sergeant Baldo re-enlist?
"Oh gosh!" he said. "Why the Army has so many responsible for numerous attacks on Clark AFB. · benefits. Like travel - why in the last four years I've been to
The sergeant, an infornfation specialist, became the first, first-term airman to reeniist at the 6969 th Batallion some'. of the neatest cities in _ the world - Amarillo, Indianapolis, San Antonio. Right now I've got a volunteer Information Office in 23 years. statement in for Ching Chang, Korea, and Kung Fu,
Sergeant Baldo is from El Paso and before enlisting in the Okinawa. I've always wanted to go there. Air Force; he served as an apprentice whore house manager in Juarez.
Sergeant Baldo also cited all the fringe benefits the Army
"I hated to leave the place," Sergeant Baldo recalled provides. Such as travel, free medical care and free unfirms.
"Also look at all the stuff I've acquired: A rug for my (ondly, "but when Uncle Sam called I realized that Iwould have to go:" house (stolen), blanket and sheets (stolen), fishing pole
Uncle Sam is the Rev. Sam Marcos who, when he saw hfa (stolen), shotgun (stolen) artd sleeping bags (stolen).
presidential candidate, had left for Canada Thursday night at a moments notice.
"The suspicion is u'nfounded," Sen. Red Kennedy replied. He said he was going to began an investigation into the statement.
Underson said Kennedy's office has already contacted him to get the name of his source. "I will never tell that it was the president's foreign adviser, Inger kiss."
An emergency congressional committee, headed by Sen FoolduH, has begun investigations into the incidence, "We will begin the proceedings by questioning those closest to the president - his manicurist, drama coach and that wife of his, whats-er-name," S_en. Fooldull said.
"Condolences and offers of help have been wired from heads of state around the World," Secretary of State Willy Dodgers said.
Seegler said the. White House has taken further action to recover the presidential seal.
"The White House has placed ads in the cla,ssified sectiqn of every major newspaper - including the Village Voice;' Seegler said. •
SATURDAY
And so, from out of Paris Texas came a light that was Chrystal Clearr _
Eric Mylo, president pro-tern of the .Bowel Movement, says "I don't give a crap about a biography for the Burro,! " 'J Morning • Morning but you may ask me questions. ·
l l:30-13-AMERICAN GLANDSTAND
Wednesday
11:30-13.:..LETS'S MAKE A DEAL
Mylo; the little known star of stage, T.V., and bathroom
John Dellinger sings his .newest hit "I Go· Lymph over , A detailed account of. the latest arrest by a narcotics wall is also the little known star of "The Progress Show" on you." squad. KTEP FM 88.5. He was born the son of lowly Evening Afternoon sheepfarmers, from Vado, New Mexico, but now due to 6:30-9-STAND UP AND JEER
3:30~13..c.LOSTAND SPACED popular demand is the son ofa bitch.
• Abbey Hoffman's special guest Jane Fonda with tapes of Dr. Smith takes some homemade acid and realizes what He attended Sodom and Gamora High School in East her Hano.i radio broadcssts. an ass he is.· B.F .E. Michigan, was an undergraduate at Palotas.
8:00-4-MISSION IMPOTENT
Film Stars Raquel Welch has an hour to do anything she can to bri~g out the manJn C~jll Wills.
10: 00-4-GRASSSMOKE·
Kitty has a headache and Doc sells her a lid for it. Festus finds out and blackmailsboth of them
12:50-9.:...STAR FREAK
Kirk and Bpock investigate the lack of peyote on Alpha Planet 47.
SUNDAY
9:30--4-DEFACE.THE NATION
Video taped highlights, QfJast week's attempted burning of the Washington Monumnet.
11:00-4-,-KRAFTSWITH KATY
This week, Katy sllows us how to make a roach clip out of a dorox bottle and gi~es hints on the best fertilizers for joint fillers.
Afternoon
4:00-4-60 MINUTES
An indepth study of what five dollars will get.· you in Juarez.
5:30-9-THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF DISEASE
Micky develops a case of athlethes foot after taking a shower with Donald Duck.
Evenng
8:30 7 4- DICK VAN'S DYKE
This week Van's friend the dyke gets hers and looses her reputation.
9:00-9-HIGH.CHAPERONES
Buck and Bluelook'ollas Monolito proves why they are not sheep herders.
MONDAY Afternoon
•3:00-9- SPEED STREET
• This week we learn how Mr. Hooper looses 100 pounds in w:eekwhile Big Bird counts to a million in 30 seconds.
5:00-,-4-TOKIN'S HEROES
This week Redeye Robertson sumggles 9 keys into his. Maximum security cell in a Texas prison. •
After a brief affair with Uncle Moe, Bridget realizes she still prefers Bernie.
7 :00-13-COOKIES
Highlights of the marijuana brownie bake offinals; Morning
9:00-13- STOMPERROOM
Today. Tex and Slim remove a layer of cow dung from the living roo~ floor.
Afternoon
4:00.:..9-l DREAM OF JEANNIE, MARY, JODY, PAM ANDOTfIERS
The erotic dreams of Ernie Peabody-in technicoloer.
Evening
9:00-9-AMERIKA
Tonight Alistair Cooke questions the incarseration ofthe Japanese-Americans duringWWII and the unlimited freedom·. of the German-Americans at the same time in history.
Evening Zuckerman College for eight years majoring in pharmacy , 9 :00-13,.., OWIN • MARSHA~L •and administrivia, but had to quit due. to an extended trip.
• This week a collection agent for a neighborhood loan Unaware of what happened for three years we now come to shark trys to find Owin' and collect $200 in principle and his local experiences. Supporting himself asa janitor at the $300in interest. ·, Grand Hotel he managed to put himself through the l.0~30"-13-COMEDYNUDES.
This week featuring KTEP'S Marian Stevens; aiso. Dr, ArleigllB. Templeton, Dr. Milton Leech, Jack Benny, Golda Mier, Spiro Agnew, and a cast of thousands.
THURSDAY
Moning • , i 1: 30-9-THREE ON A MATCH
Loaded hippies vie for valuable lids by attempting to light three joints from one cardboard match.
Afternoon •
5:00-13-THE WILD WI[,D WET
A continuing series on the sexual perversions of a moray eel.
6:00-4-BONANZA
Little Joe ca-shes in when he harvests his crop of Acapulco Gold.
Evening
6:30-9-ADAM'S 12th
Columbus School of Bradcasting. He finally suffered a br~akthrough in his career and worked for KVOF AM.
One night under the influence of the Munchies he thought he would sit in for the town drunk at Drunkin' Doughnuts. Bravely, stepping up to the counter to examine the goods he noticed the doughnuts behind her and drooled again. Realizing he shouldmake an order he decicted on doughnuts. Now the trauma of decisions, decisions. He took the filled ones - you know - the Lithuanian Creams. He sat down and began eating his. LC by sucking all the creme out. While sucking, hi~ throat was scratched by fingernail bits. He couldn't wait to meet the lovely who. dreamed up this promotion gimmick. • , •
Her name was Chrystall Clearr. She worked at Drunkm Doughnuts as an Assistant Dough Abuser. It took her two years to work her way up to this position and she wasn't about to blow her chances for Head Dough Abuser because
A continuing series on L.A.'S finest. of a bum rap. • Chrystall couldn't fail again. The only place to go where she was ~as up to bigger and beHer !hings. That's the way it was all her life. Born in East Texas under the sign of the bull the sexual persions of two of to two liberals with communistic ideals, she moved toWest
8:00-5:....EVENING AT THE POPS
Seventeen members of a commune demonstrate the most effective ways to consume assorted hallucenagenics.
Texas to avoid redriecks and persons of extreme political persuasion. Soon after arriving in Que Paso County, she got a job at Stuckers off Interstate 10 West as bubble ~um machine guard. Finding the job intellectually unreward~ng, she took a job as a Farah striker. That job didn't work out
FRIDAY either but she still wanted to work in the clothing industry.
Evening She tooka job· at Pinney's. She bit off the sleeves oft-shirts
6:30-13-MOUSE FACTORY •to make .Pinney's Custom Tank Tops; maybe you are the Canning methods on mouse fHets •and cuts are offered proud owner of one. After gaining 20lbs. the first week on while Ralph Nader raids the neighboring tuna processing the job, she again realized this wasn't for her. After few plant. weeks of unemployment, she gave in and took a job as a
7:30-13- PARTRIDGE FMHLY : ·• guiena pig ata hemmoroid test clinic. She quiUhisjob to do
• Keith lays an egg. real life acne medicine commercials for the same company•
8:00-13- BEWATCHED Finding it socially unacceptable to U.T.E.P. Sororities, she Camera bugging hints are offered. quit thinking someday she would like to be "one of the
8 :30-13.-0DD COUPLE sisters" should she ever attend college. After being Gentle Ben is allowed in the delivery room Lassie gives wardrobe. mistress at a nudist colony for a few weeks she birth to his. children. • resigned because it wasn't vocationallly stimulating enough 9:00--'9~SEARCH • for her. From there she moved on to Drunkin' D!)nuts where A midnight penicillan raid. is conducted by local police on she though she was happy, which is where we left off. a local hospital. Eric though she'd be perfect to take over his time on 100:00-4-UFO ·. KVOF. She thought it wouldn't hurt to try .it. Crystal, _ Last show of the series;· The Undentified Flying Objects realizing· that this was for her, suggested that she and Mylo ane finally discovered to be the University Pol\ce mounted get together and do a show. Both .·being totally unfamiliar on frisbees to prevent the· r~occurance of a "a clear and with progressive rock, that of it as a challenge. But with a present danger.". little help from their friends and one ounce they realized it
12:00-9-MIDNIGHT SPECTACLE wasn't as hard as it seemed. They both have alot of faith in Stark naked and the Car Theives, and Simon Stokes and the show because they don't have anything to lose but their his Incredible BlackWhip Thrill Band play for you. • problems. For further information call toll free: 800-368-5 3 63.
Editors note: The real Hf~ Chrystall Clearr and Eric Mylo Spokesmen for the English departm~nt •have just may be heard by everyone in El Paso on Saturday nights ounced the discovery of new information that pr~ves from 8-10 p.m. as they hit it to the city with rock on the ann ' ·o ts JUSt Sl that Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare. oucmen _ Progress 10w. d in th.e UT.EP library prove that, at the time uncovere h f Shakespeare's works were written, Baco_m was too 111uc o a ham, and Mallory had already burned lumselfout. Chris Miller, editor of NATIONAL LAMPOON was in El • The steam rising from the manhole •cover by the dmmg , Paso last month, and while he was here, he came byfo apply h~ll has been explained. Workmen investigating the great for a. position on the EL BURRO staff.Unfortunattely, he outpouring of hot air discovered th~t th~ Texas Bore~ ~f passed our writing test, so we couldn't take him:;; ,,:,'. ',·,,·,·. Regents has been holding secretmeetmgs m the sewer pipes.
Student
Q. How.do you feel-about Arleigh Templeton?
35%...::. Who?.
56% Very ill
2% ---'What are.his. measurements?
Q. If you had fo choose, would you?
45% - I already did
•½% .- Only if there are bells ringing at the time.
80%. -What do I get if I do? .·
Q. How many different types of grass grow on this campus?
2% _,,. Crab, chickweed, and buckhornweed
3% :-:-What is grass?
95% - How did you find out about that?
Q. Where are you going from here?
34% _, unemployment
67% - El Paso High
90% ,..... Hopefully, I will be able to pass my SAT tests with high scores and enroll in some minor. college.
Q. Have you enjoyed the multiple rock groups which have performed on this campus during the present student administration term?
64%---' i'ni notinterested in geology.
58%C-- Yori call that an administration?
Q. Is there any truth to the rumor that there are students attending this university?
23% -·What is a rumor?.
56% - What is a student?
87% .-:-Where is this university you mention?
Q. How do you feel about the food in the commons?
89% -"-- I keep my fingers out of iJ as much ;is possible;·
34% -,- 'If it wasn't for the worms in the salad, I'd never get any meat.
76% - Is that the commons? I thought it was the sewage treatment plant:
2% - I really like the "Breast of Rat Delite."
Q. How do you feel about allowing dogs in the eating area of the Union Building.
34% _.,... Not at all:.
65% .c.. Th~y ·leave me alone, I leavethem alone.
75% - If they are students, it's okay-with me. Bufyouwon't catch me dating them.
Q. Last tQTie you looked, was it there?
34% - l wasn't wearing my glasses. -
56% - I'm still blushing.
Q, 2i;y~'::i ::!'.~~:in c0ordina ted colors.
Pole~
66% - My dog Just had one. The Publ_ications Committee turned_ thumbs down on a Texas Board of Rejects announced a new $6 million 2% - I have it for breakfast every morning. proposal to print a nude centerfold in EL BUR.RO. They building progra,m today. "We tried to .apportion the money
Q. Have you ever seen a Frito lay? don't mind •us printing. bare facts, but they fee_! that no faidy, on the basis of need, among the.three campuses of the
47% _., You bet y<>ur life! nudes id good nudes. • • · U.T. system," a spokesman in Austin said today. Items
89% Is this the feature at Studio II? .Molds are 'thallic symbolds. [Probably very few people included in the program are: $4 million to build a new •22% _ Censored!_ ~ill understand this. Arnold.· colony is called a thallus. At panelled and carpeted 6°story regents-only poolroom on the
Q. Haveyou ever-been out on a date?_ •• least we'll. find out if theymycology students are reading ·• Austin canwus to replace the old facility built in 1972, and 50% ,..... On Feb. 1I. us.J d t s$chedi,lled to be torn down because the carpeting is dirty.
35 % .::_ My barracuda would get jealous, The organism that causes rust iseases m gram 1s no a 1,999,950.00 to build a new Death Sciences Center to
• wheat germ complement _the Life Scienc.es Center already under -45% - Aren't they a little small to sit on?
• • Who is Brenda Blach? construction on the Arlington Campus. •
Q. How many windows are th ere at th is university'i NEWS FLASH!!! Narcotics agents just arrested the entire $50.00 to replace the lgiht bulbs in the U.T.-El Paso 46% -What are windows? Union Food Service staff for selling hash. darkroom.
9% -::-- Only on weekends.
Norbert Bertnor, UTEP student blinded in a chemistry lab Texas Planning Board members met today and approved
400% -,-Are there many husbands dying? • accident last year, has just informed the EL BURRO staph the addition of three new campuses to the University of
Q. Do you read The Prospector?
34% - I don't kriow how.
• that he has received a job offer from Western Athletic Texas system. The new universities will be known as
Conference headquarters to begin training immediately as a U.T.-Eagle Pass, U.T.-Crane, and U.T.-Ozona. They also
67% - The words are too hard. basketball referee. announced that, due to lack of funds and an over-extension
89% - No, but I bet he's hard to print something of the UT system, the board may be forced to close UT-El on.
23% - I file it next to the Sears Catalog.
Q. Does hair grow on your arms?
34% ....,. I use Nair.
98% ...., Everytime I take a bath. ·
90% -'- I keep my rifle shaved. Paso in the near future.
