R
AIN Highlander
CANCELLED
RAIN CONCERT EVENT CANCELLED DUE TO UNEXPECTED DROUGHT 20
MUSIC FESTIVAL
University
Volume 63
of
C a l i f o r n i a , R ive r s i d e
Serving the UCR community since 1954
Issue 22
APRIL FOOLS’ EDITION FOR THE WEEK OF TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
UC president sticks with tuition hike, threatens to release Kraken NATHAN SWIFT Senior Sailor
Hydroelectric dam to replace university parking lot SANDY VAN Senior Sailor
UC President Janet Napolitano announced she will stick by her plan to increase student tuition, and has threatened to release the Kraken to enforce her new policy. “This school system needs to know two essential facts: that this tuition hike is the most realistic plan for keeping the UC system funded, and that I possess a legendary sea creature to back me up,” said Napolitano. The former Secretary for the Department of Homeland Security and owner of the Norse terror of the ocean met with the UC Board of Regents back in November to discuss future funding for the UC system. At the Regents meeting, Napolitano spoke to Gov. Jerry Brown, asking him to provide $220 million for the UC system. Brown only proposed $120 million, contingent on ► SEE KRAKEN, PAGE 4
University officials recently approved the construction of a 600-foot hydroelectric dam to contain the mouth of the majestic Colorado River that snakes through parts of UC Riverside. Monikered the “Great Wall of Scotty,” the $100 million dam will be constructed in place of Parking Lot 30, which has seen scanty use from the 22,000 Highlanders who mostly live on or around campus. Last quarter, members of the community discussed ways to improve the physical landscape of the campus with many arguing for fewer parking lots for motorized vehicles as swimming and kayaking were cited as popular modes of transportation. Fourth-year beekeeping major Barbra Messington argued in Water being released from the soon-to-be constructed dam.
CAMERON YONG / HIGHLANDER
► SEE HYDOELECTRIC, PAGE 8
ASUCR
ASUCR hands out free life vests AMY ZAHN Senior Sailor
ASUCR voted last Wednesday to allocate more than $50,000 for free life vests for the student body to prevent drowning while navigating UCR’s waterlogged campus. UCR has seen 134 drownings in the past year, according to UCR Director of Media Relations Kris Lovefin. These drownings are caused by students swimming while distracted, and are accompanied by hundreds of students dropping out of school every quarter because they cannot balance academic performance and staying afloat. “Doing well in classes can be a real challenge when your school is constantly trying to drown you,” said third-year biology major Sarah Smith.
COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS The piranha infestation at the CDC has caused it to shut down temporarily.
CDC infested with flesh-eating piranhas AARON GRECH Senior Sailor
The Child Development Center (CDC) Building A was shut down last week due to a piranha infestation. University experts will work on clearing the infestation, and it should open in about
six weeks or 7-8 months, whenever the CDC decides on a solid date. Building A houses children ages three to five and provides schooling at the preschool and kindergarten levels. Approxi► SEE PIRANHAS, PAGE 4
BRI CHEW / HIGHLANDER Students picking up their free life vests courtesy of ASUCR.
NEWS 1 • OPINIONS 9 • FEATURES 12 • A&E 15 • SPORTS 24
► SEE ASUCR, PAGE 4
WATER INSOLUBLE
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NEWS
TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
HIGHLANDER // highlandernews.org/news
Local billionaire announces plans to drain UCR, create libertarian utopia ROBERT LEES Staff Sailor
Last Friday, billionaire and UCR alumnus Andrew Ryan announced plans to drain the campus and create a libertarian utopia, where state funding would be culled and UCR could exist as a “free market bubble where capitalism is king.� Delivering his presentation from the diving bell at the base of the Bell Tower, Ryan outlined “Project Rapture,� which aims to transfer campus ownership from the state to himself by fall 2022. Wearing a retro pinstripe suit and holding a copy of Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged,� Ryan began his speech by asking, “Are not the students of UC Riverside entitled to the sweat of their own brow? No, says ASUCR, we must use it to buy life vests for freshmen.� With a flourish, he unfurled a banner, showing his proposed modifications to UCR, which includes removal of the canals between classrooms in favor of “sidewalks,� and a refurbishing of the buildings to match what he called “artdeco style.� While the cost of draining and remodeling of the campus is projected to cost tens
of billions of dollars, Ryan has stated that he “is willing to put forth money (from his) own fortune to see (his) dream come to life.� The UC Board of Regents has pledged their support for the project already, stating that “support for ‘Project Rapture’ will allow cultivation of bright young minds and profits beyond the dreams of avarice.� The proposal includes abolishment of mandatory tuition, with professors instead charging students the market price for the service of attending lectures. In return, students could choose which professors to support financially in return for higher grades and better lectures. Several members of the UCR Genomics lab also came out to announce their breakthrough in a genetic substance they have chosen to call “Adam.� Harvested from the sea slugs that live around campus, “Adam,� the researchers claim, would be able to increase the mental and physical ability of UCR students. As part of this program, Ryan proposed refurbishing the diving suits used by the groundskeepers and custodians around campus for use by the UCPD as part of his “Big
COURTESY OF 2K GAMES “Project Rapture� hopes to bring Andrew Ryan’s libertarian dreams to life by providing UCR with a revitalized campus.
Daddy� program, intended to enhance school security. Scientists hope to begin human trials as soon as campus ownership moves from the state to Ryan. The presentation ended with raucous applause from
those in attendance, and a survey of attendees, which included several professors and students, showed strong support for Ryan’s proposal. While ironing out the details with Chancellor Kim Wilcox will likely take time,
Ryan hopes to begin drainage shortly after his acquisition of UCR. He has since taken to passing out fliers informing students of the coming renovations, emblazoned with the words “Would you kindly support ‘Project Rapture?’� ■H
ONLINE IN NEWS 3/31:“đ&#x;ŒšThe Internet is dead. I read it online. PHOTO OF THE WEEK
QUOTEBOOK “I understand the needs of students, but at the end of the day, my kracken is much more adorable. Who’s a good wittle kracken? You are! Yes, you are!� - UC President Janet Napolitano on the UC’s budget needs.
MULTIMEDIA
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UCR Highlander Newspaper @ucrhighlander UCRChannelH
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During the spring, students swimming from all over the world travel from saltwater to freshwater upstream to attend their seasonal lecture.
KUCR88.3FM,Wednesdays@9a.m.
UPCOMING EVENTS
SPRING 2015, WEEK 1
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
Monday
3/31
4/1
4/2
4/3
4/4
4/5
4/6
Sea Monster Support Group 4 - 5 p.m. Lot 30 Lake
Commuter Programs: Kelp Giveaway 8 - 10 a.m. Lot 30 Beach
Therapy Sharks 11 a.m. - 1 p.m. Pierce Canal
Sixth Annual Skinny Dip 2 - 5 a.m. East Campus River
Live Fish Swimming 5 - 8 p.m. UCR Extension Center
Day of the Dammed Festival 10 a.m. - 7 p.m. HUB Pool Plaza
Underwater Basket-Weaving Competition 5:30 - 8 p.m. Lot 30 Lake
How to Not Fail your Whale 1 - 2 p.m. HUB 302 North
How to Have a Horrible Wednesday Afternoon 1:30 - 4:30 p.m. University Lecture Hall
Pufferfish Taste Testing Water You Doing? 2 - 4 p.m. Life After Graduation Student Recreation Center 2:30 - 5 p.m. HUB 265
Deep-sea Diving with Fred the Giant Squid 2 - 4 p.m. Lot 30 Lake
Butterbeer Pong Tournament 8 p.m. - 5 a.m. The Kelp Seed and Sea Cucumber
Much Doge Celebration Many Fun 1 - 7 p.m. A-I Residence Halls
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NEWS
TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
HIGHLANDER // highlandernews.org/news
COURTESY OF DIMENSION FILMS The piranha infestation raises concern over the CDC’s operating standards.
► PIRANHAS FROM PAGE 1
With the Kraken under her ownership, UC President Napolitano does not fear student protestors. ► KRAKEN FROM PAGE 1
Napolitano keeping UC tuition flat. She refused Brown’s proposal, and the Regents voted to increase UC tuition by up to 5 percent for next fall. When asked how much of the money would go to fund the 10-campus, state-run school system and how much would feed her mythical pet of ancient verse, Napolitano gave no comment. Napolitano was recently caught in hot water at the latest UC Board of Regents meeting, where dozens of UC students took their shirts off and wrote “student debt” on their bodies to protest the proposed tuition hike. Napolitano was attempting to speak to Chairman Bruce Varner when she was caught on mic saying, “Let’s go. We don’t have listen to this crap.” Realizing that this all could have been settled had she brought the Kraken to the Regents meeting to put an end to the protest in a matter of seconds, Napolitano was quick to put out an apology for her words. “I ask for empathy and understanding,” reaffirmed Napolitano. “I’m sorry for a word I usually don’t use.” “However,” said the holder of the tentacled beast, “this 5 percent tuition hike is still going into effect. I will not apologize for doing what’s ► ASUCR FROM PAGE 1
ASUCR President Eugene Cangrejo was initially against the R’Vest initiative, but changed his mind. “I definitely feel like as the leader of this student government, it’s my responsibility to spend as much money as possible and then not tell anyone about it,” he said, referencing the fact that documents containing the cost of the initiative have been mysteriously unavailable for public viewing. The 8-7-0 vote, however, was split, with some members of ASUCR feeling that the money would be better spent on something other than helping students not die. “I think it would be a
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best for all UC students, and I’m not below unleashing the Kraken to hold this plan together.” Most students around the UC school system were vehemently opposed to Napolitano’s policy. “I don’t at all agree with this plan,” said Adam Smith, a fourth-year economics major at UC Riverside. “Does she really think any positivity is going to come out of forcing students to pay thousands of dollars more for their priceless educations? Not to mention the fact that she’s keeping us all in line with a 50-foot tall sea monster.” “I say it’s an abuse of power on Napolitano’s part,” said Jasmine Allen, a secondyear underwater basket weaving major. “Just because Forbes magazine declared her the eighth-most powerful woman back in 2013 doesn’t mean that she has the right to rob us of our money, and do it with a biological weapon of mass destruction pointing at our faces.” Further comment could not be obtained from Allen, who was last seen in the mouth of the Kraken. However, there are a few who believe Napolitano is doing the right thing. “I for one am greatly in favor of the hikes,” said neuroscience graduate student Steven Skorheim. “It’s the only possible way to resolve terrible UCR boat docking
conditions. After the hikes go into effect, the students won’t be able to afford vehicles.” “I see no ethical wrongdoing here,” said liberal arts professor John Jabberwock. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with Janet Napolitano asking students to put themselves into even more horrifying debt. If Jerry Brown won’t let the state give more money to state-run schools, then somebody’s got to do it.” “Plus,” he added, “In Alfred Tennyson’s sonnet ‘The Kraken,’ it is written ‘There hath he lain for ages, and will lie / Battening upon huge seaworms in his sleep.’ If Napolitano’s pet is busy doing battle with giant seaworms, do you honestly think it’s got time for this petty nonsense? Please, let’s not waste its time.” Napolitano promised students that she doesn’t wish for them to fear her “for whatever reasons.” “Look — I know this isn’t a pretty situation,” she said. “I know that I work with several superiors in the UC system who hold the ability to financially ruin your adult lives forever, and I also know that I possess a power far greater than all the world’s navies combined, but we really have to be rational about this issue. If we put aside our fears, I know we can work together on this.” ■H
lot more fun to buy a giant, floating bounce house for Pierce Canal, but I guess safety is important,” said Senator Pat Estrella, who voted in favor of the project. Senator Schwamm Roberts disagreed. “$50,000 is a lot of money and I think we should make sure we spend it on something like a bounce house.” Despite the large expenditure, many students are pleased with what the initiative will accomplish. “I think it’s really important for students not to drown,” said first-year psychology major John Beach. “It would have been egregiously irresponsible for ASUCR to spend that much money on anything less crucial than that.”
Second-year English major Jane Sanders agreed. “I heard that the student government at some other school is giving out free sweatshirts or something. That could be cool,” she said right before she tripped and fell into the water below Sproul Bridge. Between gasps, she noted that several of her friends have dropped out of school due to difficulties weathering Riverside’s waters on their own. “I’m sure — gasp — a sweatshirt — gasp — is what they — gasp — really needed,” she added dryly. The life jackets will be distributed to students later this month at an event where musicians will be asked to perform for some reason. ■H
mately seven CDC staff and three children were bitten by the carnivorous fish. While none of the children were seriously injured, a teacher named Richard Parker was completely eaten through. The piranha situation was first reported to the campus six weeks ago by third-year astrology major Charlene Escobedo, whose child is currently enrolled at the center. The center, however, did not shut down its services until last Friday when Parker’s skeleton appeared. “I started noticing that my child had been coming back from the center with some serious bite marks,” Escobedo stated. “At the request of our doctor and further investigation we found out it was from a piranha, so I took my child out immediately.” Piranhas are typically found in freshwater climates, allowing the species to flourish in river systems such as our own. According to UCR Director of Propaganda Lily Bass, the piranhas were likely the offspring of one of the research facility specimens in Cobain Hall, located right next to the CDC. “I can’t believe the center resumed activity after I reported it over a month ago. It put so many of our children at risk,” Escobedo explained. Bass stated, “The center was unaware of the seriousness of Escobedo’s concerns until very recently. There weren’t that many complaints raised until last week when we discovered Mr. Parker’s unfortunate remains.” The center has placed electric fences around the building and electric nets in the wa-
ters to eliminate the fish. According to Bass, this process should be over in approximately six weeks. The infestation also raised some larger concerns: All of the children attending that building had to be relocated to the family housing pod, a much smaller area on campus. Of those enrolled, 14 of those children and their parents had to find alternative child care options. In addition, 18 of the student employees working in the building had to find other employment opportunities. “The truth is, this place was the most affordable we can find. I don’t know where I can send my children now. So far the center has done nothing to help us search for other options and this is becoming stressful,” Diana Stevenson, a fifth-year luge major, stated. The CDC offers child care services at a more affordable price to students and staff members who work at the university. Compared to other services in the immediate area, this center is the most affordable, causing students to relocate their children to more expensive facilities if they want to seek alternative child care options. “It is unfortunate that this issue has caused more problems than we expected, but in order to alleviate some of the stress on the parents looking for child care alternatives and staff who will have to find other jobs, we gave them free dinner coupons to Long John Silver’s,” Bass responded. “Well, looks like I’m going to be living off top ramen and Long John Silver’s this month,” Kelly Watergate, a second-year Esperanto studies major and former CDC em■H ployee joked.
COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS A child of a student parent enjoys the life vest that was provided to him by ASUCR.
HIGHLANDER // highlandernews.org/news
NEWS
TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
5
UCR professor receives $5 million to hunt Moby Dick AARON GRECH Senior Sailor
UCR Professor of Cetology Captain Ahab has been awarded a $5 million grant by the Institute of Cetacean Research (ICR) based in Japan. The grant will be used to support the professor’s five-year voyage to hunt the legendary sperm whale Moby Dick, who was responsible for over 30 shipwrecks last year. Approximately $3 million went to purchase a world-class vessel for the mission entitled “The Pequod,” which will travel across the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans to seek out the whale. The rest of the funds will go toward paying Ahab’s staff of over 30 crew members, all from diverse backgrounds including Polynesia and Spain, along with research supplies, such as harpoons, and ship maintenance. Ahab’s research consists specifically of whale psychology and neurologic behavioral science involving overly aggressive cetaceans. With the research, Ahab hopes to identify the cause of this aggressive behavior and neutralize any whales who may disrupt the fishing and boating industries across the oceans. Much of this involves visiting the waters near South America where a majority of the attacks by the whale have been reported. According to Ahab’s crewmember Ishmael Essex, the whale is described as having “a peculiar snow-white wrinkled forehead, and a high, pyramidical white hump, with the rest of his body being of stripes and patches between white and gray.”
“Our research has fallen behind by at least two years due to attacks by this blasted whale,” Ishiro Konikawa, one of the main ICR researchers, stated. “Even our best crew have not had luck with hunting this menace. We need Ahab and all the help we can so business can return to normal.” Ahab stated that he would seek Moby Dick “over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents’ beds, unerringly I rush,” while eating whole sardine cans. The researcher faced his own run-in with the whale itself on a trip last year while researching near Argentina. The incident resulted in the loss of one of his vessels and his left leg. “That inscrutable thing is chiefly what I hate; and be the white whale agent, or be the white whale principal, I will wreak that hate upon him,” Ahab explained as his main reason he chose to go on this project. The UCR School of Cetology has consistently been ranked first in the world, according to media outlets such as Whale Hunting Monthly. Dean of UCR’s cetology school Reginald Starbuck — who the coffee chain is named after — believes this project will expand its legacy. “As the first UC ever which established a cetology program at its launch, we owe a duty to the world to promote cetacean education and undertake research projects in which we study whale aggression,” Starbuck stated in a press release. “It is our duty to promote the economic needs of the whaling market and fish economy in general.” ■H
“That inscrutable thing is chiefly what I hate; and be the white whale agent, or be the white whale principal, I will wreak that hate upon him,” -Captain Ahab
COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS The hunt is on for Professor Ahab as he ventures to hunt the elusive Moby Dick.
TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
NEWS
HIGHLANDER // highlandernews.org/news
CRIME WATCH
Students held at gunpoint, booty nearly stolen CONNOR LING Contributing Recruit
Three students were held at gunpoint by two pirates at the mouth of the Colorado River at 11:30 p.m. on March 26. Out for a refreshing moonlit swim to the C, the students had nowhere to hide their booty and felt that they were “at the mercy of the pirates who were lurking nearby.” Ron Chee, a first-year swag studies major who was present, called the police at around 11:35 p.m. and Captain John Freese arrived soon after. Chee claimed that he and his friends were “defenseless to the armed thieves who were in pursuit of the students and their possessions.” Unfortunately, these alleged
thieves were “mostly below water, and only their hair and water pistols could be seen.” The two suspects were described by the victims as having blonde hair and black hair. Upon sighting the suspects, Freese pulled out his machete, which instantly scared the water pistol-toting thieves. Swimming away in fear, the pair failed to notice a school of piranhas from the Child Development Center. While the pirates were devoured alive, Freese took a statement from the students, who did not suffer any injuries. He later cautioned students via Sea-mail “to hide their treasure in discreet locations and to sail in groups by night.” It is still unclear what the alleged pirates’ motives ■H were.
COURTESY OF COLUMBIA PICTURES Who is the captain now? He is the captain now.
HIGHLANDER HIGHLANDE HIGHLAND HIGHLAN HIGHLA HIGHL HIGH HIG HI H
HIGHLANDER HIGHLANDE HIGHLAND HIGHLAN HIGHLA HIGHL HIGH HIG HI H
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NEWS
HIGHLANDER // highlandernews.org/news
Under the “C” Can you spot the differences between these photos?
1
2
(Captain Tommy Solomon)
Swag Search
TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
7
Who’s that Pokemon?
Sailordoku
8
NEWS
TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
HIGHLANDER // highlandernews.org/news
The proposed hydroelectric dam project stirred up some concerns among students and faculty over the dam’s impact on the aquatic wildlife in the area. ► HYDROELECTRIC FROM PAGE 1
favor of Lot 30’s demolition, saying, “Students are making the conscious decision to travel in a healthy and nonpolluting way,” and added that the dam “had to go somewhere.” Funding for the Great Wall of Scotty is being provided by an anonymous billionaire donor, according to campus public records. Overall construction is expected to take five years to divert the river’s passageway and to lay down a cement foundation for the dam. Meanwhile, the university is
expected to add 300 new faculty members to oversee the duration of the project. Major dam goals include flash flood control, as some UCR buildings were hit with a deluge of water last year, causing thousands of dollars’ worth of damage. “It’s not a surprise,” said meteorologist Mindy Wilson of Riverside Weather Services. Typical spring weather results in “sudden rainfall with as much as 8 inches on the daily.” UCR officials are also attempting to make the shift from solar to hydropower after an unidentified jet engine part landed on and de-
stroyed the university’s 10-megawatt solar farm last month. The Federal Aviation Administration, the national body in charge of regulating airspace travel, has declined to comment. With dam construction set to begin as early as this Thursday, first-year mechanical engineering major Mary Phan worries about the kind of impact the dam will make on the Riverside wetlands. “I wouldn’t trifle with dams,” Phan said. “I heard the structures themselves can increase the chances of an earthquake occurring in an area.”
Felipe Braxton, president of Students All For Dams, an advocacy group for the construction of the dam, believes that the structure will save “hundreds of lives,” citing the campus statistics of 134 students who drowned last year while traveling to classes. “Recent climate change has been less forgiving and it is important for humans to intervene before the world freezes over,” Braxton said, alluding to increasing concerns over global cooling in the state. UCR hydrology professor John Litz highlighted the significance of
CAMERON YONG / HIGHLANDER
harnessing the river’s resources, but cautioned against building too many dams as it may lead to unprecedented impacts on aquatic species, referencing the endangered Riverside freshwater salmon. “Extremely rare fish travel through the university’s canal system and continuing construction may adversely affect their migratory routes,” he said. With the proposal of the dam in its final stages, student protests continue to embroil Sushi by Panda Express for using the prized salmon on its menu. ■H
H I G H L A N D E R N E W S . O R G
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Opinions
OPINIONS
TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
9
HIGHLANDER HIGHLANDER EDITORIAL EDITORIAL HIGHLANDER STAFF
GET YOUR HANDS OFF THEIR BOOTY! AND CULTURE!
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T
he amount of fake pirates on this campus is too damn high! It should come as no surprise to any of the readers that this would be the topic we would feel we need to cover this week in our editorial. With Captain John Freese’s recent emails sent out about the high rate of piracy around the waters of UCR, it may seem redundant that we should take this stance. Who would want to copy the actions of the massive amounts of actual PirateAmericans who regularly steal students’ booty, or shoot at us on our way to class so they can sell our gondolas on the newly established floating black market? These people work hard to ensure that the students not fit for the seas are left adrift, baiting the hungry sharks — Pirate-Darwinism if you will. This is the question that we pondered as we discussed the emergence of the pirate-culture around campus. Signs on the frat-barges that float over the oncegrassy lawns have replaced Greek-life with pirate-life, taking on new names like the recently established Scurvy Scurvy Wench fraternity, or the Cutlass Swabby Pegleg sorority. These groups have claimed that they do not endorse the violence, nor the hygiene habits, of actual Pirate-Americans, but wish to embrace the free spirit that they stand for. It is this same free spirit that they say college is all about, as one fraternity member, Bro-Beard the Pirate, stated, “Arrrrgh.” (For those readers unaware, this translates roughly to, “We believe that college is some people’s first steps to independence, and as such, we think piracy best fits the decision to strike out on one’s
VINCENT TA / HIGHLANDER
own and blaze a new trail, or chart a new course in the world. Also, spiced rum is just delicious.”) It is unfortunate, however, that this embrace of cultural foundries comes at the cost of the pirates’ actual victims. Those who are left drifting in the waters after their gondolas are stolen, and their gondoliers shot with a flintlock, are then made to see people around campus promoting these piratical stylings without understanding the implications of the parrots on their shoulders. Additionally, as they are generally dressed indistinguishably from those actual pirates who roam the canals around campus, the UCAPD (University of California Anti-Pirate Division) has begun profiling students all around campus, claiming that everyone wearing tricorne hats with feathers in them “all look alike.” So not only have our rights to privacy been breached by excessive searches for swords and peglegs, but cultural profiling against actual pirates has been increased as well. It is to this point that cultural appropriation of pirate life must be condemned. While those of us who are regularly held at gunpoint may not approve of it, UCR prides itself on being the most diverse campus above water (UC Atlantis has nothing on us. We are above them in water level and prestige), and this includes the rich pirate culture that we are regularly immersed in. Pirate studies professor Salty Samantha recently commented, “Yeeaargh,” on the subject. (Once again, the Highlander wishes to clarify for those who are not accustomed to Piratical: “The appropriation of this culture constitutes a highly disrespectful
view of a people with a long, rich history on the seas. These people desire to take what they like about pirating, and forget all of the bad that comes attached to it, often forgetting the oppression of the Coast Guard and the British Royal Navy.”) Former hipster Carrie Armisen, now swabby-in-training, converted relatively recently, remarking that, “We all remember that the dominant style on campus was once hipster, but this became quickly outdated when we could no longer wear loafers, because they didn’t get traction on ship decks, and when we had to abandon our skinny jeans, because the salty sea air made them just a bit too tight. You know, tight in that way where you walk so that all your bits fit properly. But they never do.” It’s understandable then that something would have to come along to take the place of hipster culture, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of the integrity and pride of pirate culture, and it certainly shouldn’t open students up for exploitation by the UCAPD. Let’s all look elsewhere, like those losers at UC Atlantis, and appropriate their culture. We can devalue and commodify it to our heart’s content, eventually spreading capitalism to those pinko fish people until they have to admit that we’re better. This way, nobody loses and we can all be happy, especially those Pirate-American students who have been so affected by the recent theft of their heritage. ■H Highlander editorials reflect the majority view of the Highlander Editorial Board. They do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Associated Students of UCR or the University of California system.
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LEGAL The Highlander is published and copyrighted by the Highlander for the students, faculty and staff of UCR. All rights are reserved. Reprinting of any material in this publication without the written permission of the Highlander is strictly prohibited. Readers are allowed one free copy of the newspaper. For additional copies or for subscription information, please contact the Highlander. The Highlander fully supports the University of California’s policy on nondiscrimination. The student media reserve the right to reject or modify advertising whose content discriminates on the basis of ancestry, color, national origin, race, religion, disability, age, sex or sexual orientation. The Highlander has a media grievance procedure for resolving complaints against it. All inserts that are printed in the Highlander are independently paid publications and do not reflect the views of the Editorial Board, the staff or The University of California or the Associated Students of UCR. NOTE: THIS ISSUE IS A WORK OF SATIRE.
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OPINIONS
TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
HIGHLANDER // highlandernews.org/opinions
Opinion Poll What did you do over spring break?
Tabasco Bottle “ ... ”
Bell “ ... ”
C ompiled
Orange “ ... ”
Payphone “ ... ”
Events Sign “ ... ”
by
C ameron Y ong
Pineapple “I started my break by traveling to Malta, and from there, I suppose I spent most of the time backpacking through Europe. I even got to shake hands with Elijah Wood, Nick Nolte and Sarah Jessica Parker.”
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Smoke free but not toke free DANIEL KELLEY Contributing Recruit
As the drug capital of Southern California, Riverside is home to the most vibrant and lethargic stoner community south of Humboldt. But since the University of California system went tobaccofree in 2014, potheads are finding it harder and harder to get away with smoking weed on campus. With the inability to light up, many students have taken to the underwater dorm halls and social media spheres in an attempt to restore our right to toke. Of UCR’s 420 student groups, many, including the Rastafarian Student Union; the Roots, Rock, Reggae Club; and UCR Botany Enthusiasts, have united in an effort to petition UCR’s administration to designate the floating Bell Tower lawn as a marijuana-smoking area. Even religious groups like Bong Rips for Jesus have thrown their support behind the expansion of UCR's marijuana acceptance policies. #UniversityofCannabis is trending on Yik Yak and Twitter. The last Wednesday of winter quarter saw a peaceful demonstration in the Pierce Canal, where over 1,000 UCR students floated cross-legged on innertubes in a circle and passed an unlit joint around as a sign of solidarity. Many demonstrators wore T-shirts and held banners that read “One joint, one hit, one UC.” The movement has actually gained great support from UCR’s faculty. The prevalence of marijuana usage during finals week has led to an increase in the average GPA of CHASS and SoBA students, and thus, UCR professors are endorsing its usage as a study aid. Some are even secretly offering their office hours as study-andsmoke-sessions. UCPD recently released a statement commending the decreased level of
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Popular weed strain sour diesel, pictured above, rolled into one helluva nice joint.
alcohol-related infractions and incarcerations at UCR, which references the increased use of weed as the reason behind it. Even the health department has come out in support of expanding our pot policy, citing the decreased use of addictive prescription drugs like Xanax and Adderall in the student body. The administration has been “pretty chill” about our student body’s marijuana movement, but still does not allow the sale of cannabis products on campus, and only two marijuanasmoking areas have been designated as of now, one outside of Lothian Residence Hall,
colloquially referred to as Narnia, and another in the orange grove greenhouse boats behind the humanities building. With increased boat traffic in between the residence halls, the issue that many pot enthusiasts are taking with these areas is their distance from restaurants and vending machines. This is expected, considering how badly stoners want food, and how unwilling they are to move. To be more accommodating to our diverse, dope-smoking student body, UCR should consider allowing residence halls to serve cannabis-in-
fused brownies, and hold quarterly marijuana-smoking cooperation seminars, titled Puff-Puff-Pass Sessions. Similarly, our stony school administration should consider growing cannabis plants in the Botanical Gardens, and allow our medical school to study the medicinal qualities and health implications of cannabis. Should such changes to our drug policy happen, UC Riverside would become a leader in the national marijuana movement, and could be the domino that causes the UC system to go green. But we’ll need to
make it happen fast. In 2016, when legal weed will likely be on the ballot in California, UC should expect to see its energized and vaporized student population stand up (or sit down) for their rights, no longer in fear of their toking privileges being revoked. With luck, and a copious amount of bong rips and Bob Marley, we will see Spring Splash 2015 turn into Woodstock 1969. Although the UC system is tobacco-free, we should endorse and accommodate the healthier, happier smoking alternative. After all, we are the Highlanders. ■H
HIGHLANDER // highlandernews.org/opinions
OPINIONS
TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
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R’PERSPECTIVE: A SWIM TO THE C ESTEFANIA ZAVALA Late Senior Sailor
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arly one Saturday morning, I woke up and prepared for one of the most iconic activities available to a UCR student: a swim to the C. Every UCR student knows this swim is as mandatory as passing your finals in order to be a true Highlander. The people who say that the sea monsters that try to gouge out your eyeballs are too scary simply have no sense of adventure. Do the mermaids shout horrible, demoralizing things at you on the way there? Yes. Do many students drown attempting to make this journey? Of course! Do sharks with a taste for human blood loom around waiting for unsuspecting students to swim too close so that they can tear into their pizza-fed flesh? Absolutely! But is it worth it? Let me tell you about my majestic swim and you can decide. I put on my scuba gear in the morning water murk. The new student housing is all Venetianstyle splendor with canal systems and air tunnels but I live in an old apartment complex. The ground floor got flooded a long time ago, drowning most of the residents. I live on the second floor but when I go downstairs to check the mail, the rotting corpses of the residents float up and grin at me with their fish-eaten faces. The rent is very affordable! Heading out, I take a free RTA
canal ride to Goodwin’s Organic Store. This store is also flooded but students say that expensive cheeses are still floating around down there, just waiting for a savvy student to scoop one up. There is so much beauty in Riverside. Beginning my swim, I feel energized. Why would you ever try to ban this experience? Chancellor Kim Wilcox is overreacting when he says the swim to the C is a “reckless and meaningless way to ensure death.” Only 50 students have died this quarter! Most of those students drowned. Really, if you can’t keep swimming for a mile past various sea monsters, then you’re just not going to cut it out there in the real, postapocalyptic world. I swim past a friend from my women’s studies class and greet her enthusiastically. “I just swam out here to die,” says Sirena Vega, a third-year environmental science major. “A mermaid threw a rock at me and now I’m bleeding. It’s only a matter of time until the sharks get me.” I laugh in delight. See what this swim to the C does to people? It brings out their most creative side, purifies their souls and makes them stronger. Halfway through the swim, I spot the giant C! Just then, the mermaids swarm around me, their golden hair floating and tangling together. They are very beautiful and mean. They have killed a lot of lovelorn boys by
digging their claws straight into their chests to eat their hearts. However, they seem to be in a good mood right now. They only yell insults at me — mostly about my mother, my appearance and my inability to find love. I cry. I cry a lot. After I finish sobbing while treading water, I keep going until the C is about 50 yards away. I am so close. It is tradition to kiss the C to ensure good grades but this tradition, along with most of the student population, has died. If you were to remove your swimming mask, you might swallow a lot of water and drown. This kiss isn’t worth it! See? I am realistic about this swim. I just want to preserve the tradition. As I am about to touch the yellow edge of the C, a long black tentacle reaches toward me from the water. The tentacle circles around my body, the suckers tearing off bits of my scuba suit. I suspect this is a mutated octopus. After the flood, a lot of radiation from nearby nuclear sites leaked into the ocean. There are so many new species swimming around down here — think of all the Instagram pictures you can post to wow your friends! Anyway, the tentacle starts to wrap around around my face, smashing my scuba mask. I start to lose consciousness. My last clear thought is that this mutated octopus must have at least eight tentacles, which means that it could be killing seven other students right now. Solidarity! I
Students should swim to the C. The sharks are friendly.
start to suffocate. I am not pretending that this is a walk in the park (which you cannot do anymore because the parks are infested with jellyfish). There are obstacles but you can learn from them. So yes, I died on my swim to the C. But I still had a great
VINCENT TA / HIGHLANDER
time! Never have I felt more in tune with nature! And now my story is being dictated to a great psychic for a crowd at Back to the Cove. You just never know the friends you’ll meet and adventures you’ll have when you swim to the C. What are you waiting for? ■H
VINCENT TA & JAMESON ADAME / HIGHLANDER
The opinions expressed in the Opinions section reflect yours. Don’t question it. Just accept it.
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TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
HIGHLANDER // highlandernews.org/features
Features
R E S TA U R A N T R E V I E W :
Back to the Cove Tiffany Liaw, Senior Sailor // Photos by Cameron Yong t’s safe to say that our local coffee shop in downtown Riverside has been ransacked and taken over by a group of pirates who happen to love coffee just as much as your average college student during finals. After searching the store for gold and only coming up with coffee beans, the pirates have been revealed to an entirely new world of espresso and pastries thanks to the bartenders at the cafe, who introduced them to the glories of coffee brewing. An unspoken compromise was made between the leaders of the two groups, and soon enough, Back to the Cove was created. Located on a giant floating deck only reachable by pirate ship shuttle, this exclusive new cafe keeps the coffee cravings to a minimum for students, fellow pirates and “landlubbers” in the area looking for some cheap caffeine and entertainment. After arriving via the shuttle (which reeked of rum), I stepped foot onto the surprisingly balanced deck and made my way
into the dark entrance of Back to the Cove. “Ahoy!” a deep booming voice from the behind the bar startled me and caused me to jump slightly at the unexpected bass that came from a skinny hipster-pirate wearing RayBans, a gold hoop earring and a striped shirt with a bandana. I waved back politely and continued through the cafe, admiring the parrots and cockatiels that circled the high ceiling energetically. I sniffed the air with curiosity and approached the counter clearly made of driftwood with tacky skulls spraypainted on. “Arrrrgghhhh…” the hipster pirate mumbled as he glared at me from his spot at the bar. I can only assume that this sparse crowd of hipster-pirate-wannabes were the only customers to dare set foot in this establishment, and I can definitely see why: The only menu options available were coffee and rum, fish sticks and a sketchy “soup of the day,” none of which had a written price. Already suspicious, I opted for one
order of each item on the menu and crossed my fingers for no hefty bill or food poisoning. “Yer booty please,” grumbled the bartender. Shocked and offended all at once, I turned to face the man. “Excuuuuse me?” I responded. “Yer. Booty.” he pressed. “I can’t let ye walk outta this place without payin’!” I glanced over at the sign by the treasure chest: “Booty Only” it read. After a brief moment of confusion, I hesitantly handed over my necklace and carried the food back to a sturdy-looking driftwood table. One bite into the soggy fish stick and a whiff of the soup later, I could already tell that the rest of the meal was not going to go well unless I finished my coffee-rum first. The fish stick’s breading was loose, and the entire piece was limp and flavorless, while the soup of the day (which still remains a mystery) tasted sour and strangely sweet in the wrong ways. Still disappointed even after having lowered my expectations upon my
RATING ★★☆☆☆ LOCATION 124 Conch Street Riverside, CA 92507 PRICE $ $ HOURS 24/7 CATEGORY Seafood CREDIT No, booty only WEBSITE 21.21474,-157.975159
entrance, I gave the coffee-rum another try and took a hearty sip. The rum tasted strong and smooth altogether to my surprise and the coffee provided an extra kick of flavor, even though the rum overpowered the coffee. “It’s ingredients straight from Davy Jones’ locker,” explained a nonchalant waiter decked out in a pegleg and carrying at least three parrots on one arm. “Also known as none of your business,” he stated as he walked away. I couldn’t take more than
a tiny sip of the soup afterward; the sour taste led me to believe something had expired, and it would take much more than the rum content to help me forget that salty disgusting taste from my tongue. As I stepped back onto the deck outside, I took a breath of fresh air and vowed not to come back. Despite the somewhat convenient location of the cafe, I personally don’t feel like it’s worth it. I want my necklace back. ■H
HIGHLANDER // highlandernews.org/features
FEATURES
TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
CAMPUS COPE TREADING THROUGH THE STRESS OF SWIMMING Tiffany Liaw, Senior Sailor // Photos by Cameron Yong
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he most common form of transportation for students, swimming, has easily lost its thrill factor. Despite the idea sounding like a great alternative for cardio (as if we really need to work out anymore), swimming has quickly earned a bad reputation due to the increase of leg cramps, extreme fatigue, upset stomachs and multiple muscle strains. Although the Infirmarine is located on campus, it still requires a bit of a swim to reach the building and honestly with a cramped-up leg that isn’t going to happen. So on top of managing our grades and the food that we have to cook or buy, you’re telling me we have to worry about our swimming? Exactly. Swimming might be a natural stress reliever for some, but it can also give an extra dose of anxiety for others. I don’t blame you; after all, swimming is tedious and extremely time-consuming. By the time you swim to the gym, you might as well call it a day and swim back home to be more productive elsewhere.
Don’t Jetski-p Swimming Riding a jetski in addition to other motor vehicles can help lower the stress levels among college students and provide a bit of entertainment before attending class and being inactive during long lectures. This way, students are able to enjoy a bit of their own free time before coming back to class. If you would rather not invest in some sort of marine transportation like motor boats or canoes, The Whale(ness) Center offers orca, dolphin and baby whale rides as a collaboration of Therapy Blubbers and ATAPS (Aquatic Transportation and Parking Services) to provide a form of transportation therapy. Just don’t forget to feed them once in a while and don’t leave the mammals unattended!
Other H2obbies Similarly, this program helps relieve the everyday stress that school brings by allowing students to interact with marine animals and possibly even take on a job in the corresponding field. At the Recreocean Center located on campus, students are able to de-stress through classes of water yoga and aerobics, and occasional cooking classes. It’s important to find a hobby preferably more relaxing than swimming, and to use that as a de-stressing tool as well. It’s sadly amazing how swimming is able to drain such a significant amount of energy from you after a long day of school, but hey, at least you can come back home (after swimming there) and rot on the couch by yourself (actual dreams from actual college students not including myself).
Tide-and-True Advice As protocol, to reduce the instances of swimming-related accidents and discomforts, it’s always important to remember to stretch before and after getting in the water and to not eat right before swimming. It might be tempting to dive right in when you’re short on time, but trust me, you’ll regret it later when you feel nauseated and uncomfortable — and you definitely don’t want that before finals or another equally important exam. School is stressful enough as is and although parking is not as big of an issue now and swimming has its benefits, once in a while we should all take a well-deserved break from the chaos that school brings. Instead of having to constantly worry about whether or not you have waited the proper hour after eating to swim, consider the other means of transportation available near if not on campus. Since swimming is a necessity at our school, it is important to always remember the precautions of swimming and if necessary, rent a vehicle or an animal. So just take a deep breath and pet a H dolphin, because we got this.■
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Be everywhere.
Do you want to be here? Yes. Do you want to be there? Yes. Why not be everywhere? Come to the Highlander’s weekly meetings every Monday at 5:15 p.m. in HUB 101 to learn how you can be even more everywhere than you already are.
Highlander
ONLINE: “BROOKLYN NINE-NINE” REVIEW
R adar ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
EVENTS THIS WEEK 4/1
Sea Monkeys @ The Ark, 7 p.m.
4/2
Viewing of “The Room,” @ HUB 302, 6 p.m.
4/3
Ice Cube: The Refreezing Concert @ The Reef Theater, 8 p.m.
4/4
Arcade Flood @ The Reef Theater, 8 p.m. CAMERON YONG / HIGHLANDER
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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
HIGHLANDER // highlandernews.org/arts
MUSIC REVIEWS WATER: “A SHALLOW EFFORT” // RATING: ★★☆☆☆ CARLOS BARRAGAN Contributing Recruit
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riginally panned by critics, namely the majority of the solar system, Water has found a small cult following on the planet Earth where some of its biggest fanatics, “humans” as they like to call themselves, act as though Water is the beall end-all of liquids. While Water has brought about some hits in its time — “Flood,” “Hurricane,” and “Tidal Wave” to name a few — what has it truly accomplished in all this years? Why revisit Water and their only album “Drought” all these years after its release? Sure, Water has inspired some absolutely breathtaking art, namely “Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls” by Earth group TLC, but what has Water been capable of on its own? Some of its minor hits, “The Mississippi River” and “Niagara Falls” do attract some interest in Water, but for the most part are played out. Who really cares about these anymore? They were impressive in their early days, but their music has not aged very well. These hits impressed a brief bit of wonder upon release but they are ultimately shallow efforts. More often than not the listener will find themselves tuning out and wondering when it will be over. Even major hits for Water like “The Pacific” and “The
Atlantic,” which when first released sent waves through the world, got old quickly. They are large, gaudy and quite honestly tedious, even to the biggest Water fans, who themselves tend to sail over these when looking at Water’s collected works. Then there is what I personally consider Water’s most overrated work, a collaborative project known as “Life.” Sure it’s interesting, but it’s being going for so long with very little result. This one seems to be the big pull for the humans and the biggest contributor to the cult status of Water. Looking at it objectively, though, “Life” really just goes on for too long and more often than not is just aimless and not worth the listen after the initial novelty of the concept wears off. Fans of Water like to regard this as their magnum opus, and I suppose in some ways they are right. Conceptually it’s a bold piece of work, but the praise I have for it ends there. If Water had spent more time working on this piece instead of sort of letting it happen naturally then the end result may have been more satisfying. But as it stands, the overall lack of effort on “Life” simply makes it an interesting concept. Overall, Water has found its niche audience and I can respect that. Personally this reviewer does not understand the appeal and I believe I am not alone in
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this sentiment. Water may still have some time ahead of it to be able to take some of the concepts
it hints at somewhere. If Water makes some legitimately deep work in the future I would not
be surprised, but at the moment all of their releases to date have come up dry. ■H
HIGHLANDER // highlandernews.org/arts
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
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SEA MONKEYS: “PM” // RATING: ★★★★☆ CHRISTAL MIMS Senior Sailor
Indie-rock band Sea Monkeys are back at it with their most recent project, “PM.” With their newest release, we watch the group dive into new waters as they experiment with doo-wop and pop sounds that will surely make you want to hit the beach with some friends. One of the album’s strong points is its catchy and waterlovin’ lyrics. While perhaps a lot to take in for dedicated listeners of the band, this album will undoubtedly win the group some new fans and prove to everyone that they have what it takes to successfully switch up their alternative rock sound with bubblegum pop and still make good music. There isn’t a single dry song on this album. Their track “Seaside” incorporates a catchy guitar melody with bright vocal harmonies. With lyrics like “I’m not sure if I should show you what I’ve found / Has it gone for good? / Or is it coming back around? / Isn’t it hard to make up your mind? / When you’re losing and your fuse is seaside,” listeners can almost feel the pain of lead singer Alex Turner as he tries to let go of a dying relationship. In “Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re
Drunk?” Turner is guilty of only contacting his lover when he’s drunk. In my opinion, it’s good that he calls her whenever he’s crazy drunk. He probably needs to be instructed to drink some water to sober up and let’s be honest, you can never have too much of some good ol’ H2O. During their song “Ocean Sounds” they express their love for the deep blue sea with lyrics like, “Ocean sounds in your ears, they make you feel alright / They bring you back to life / Ocean sounds in your ears, they make you get up and dance / They make you get up / Yeah they make you get up.” The group substitutes shrieking guitar melodies for a much softer sound and it pays off well. The sounds of waves are embedded into the track and help to successfully transport listeners into the open ocean. Sea Monkeys continue with lyrics like “From the bottom of the sea / The abyssopelagic zone / I saw this coming from the start / The shake, rattle and roll / The cracks in the tectonic plates,” in “One for the Boat.” Now hear me when I say this: They really hit the nail on the head here. The band manages to incorporate a science lesson on all things water while simultaneously creating a catchy
CAMERON YONG / HIGHLANDER
tune. Can it really get any better? The album takes a dark turn with the moody track “Do I Wanna Drown?” We can all admit we love us some water, right? But if there is an overboard, this is it, with lyrics like: “I don’t want color in my cheeks / Do you ever get the feeling that you can’t shift the tide / That sticks around like something’s in your teeth.” We understand and admire the Sea
Monkeys’ love of water, but let’s use our brains and not take things too far. Sea Monkeys did an excellent job of taking their artistry one step further by adopting a “beach sound” and proceeding to make great music. Let’s hope they continue giving listeners the opportunity to indulge in their love of the sea and producing noteworthy albums. ■H
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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
HIGHLANDER // highlandernews.org/arts
Awayfrom the Sun:
Rage Against the Solar Conspiracy
By Jake Rich, Senior Sailor
T
he Sun is not my friend. I have seen Its face, and it is not a kind face. Did you know that “Teletubbies” was actually a documentary? The face that appears to be that of a baby is really the face of the evil Sun God. It is not my friend. People have attempted to decode Beatles songs like “Revolution 9,” or “Helter Skelter,” before, but has anyone ever bothered looking at the ominous “Here Comes The Sun,” or “Sun King?” “Here comes, the Sun King,” and “Here comes the Sun / Here comes the Sun / And I say it’s alright” is some of the most obvious propaganda I’ve ever seen in mainstream culture. The Sun should not be your friend. It is evil.
I should be thankful that our haven here at UCR is filled with water and clouds — I don’t know what students of the past did with the hungry eyes of an evil god masquerading as a newborn staring down upon them as they walked instead of swam from class to class. You need more evidence that propaganda is being forced upon us? Look no further than the 1983 hit “Walking on Sunshine,” by Katrina and the Waves. They even tried to fool us by having something water-related in their name. How, though, can one possibly walk on sunshine, and how could it possibly feel good? If you can walk at 299792458 meters per second, please inform me how this is possible. Walking on sunshine would instantaneously evaporate you — you are 60
percent water, you know (all hail King Neptune, Water King). The Sun is coming, run for your life! Beware the most subversive artist of today, Colbie Caillat. In her song, “Brighter Than The Sun,” she sings, “Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart / It goes off like a gun, brighter than the Sun / Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky / Shining how we want, brighter than the Sun.”
Encouraging us to be brighter than the Sun, when it is already decimating our minds and hearts blindly with its light and heat? No thank you, Colbie, your blasphemy can’t fool me. Die, malignant ball of gas. People think that Howie, the weirdo brother that was scared of the sun in the movie “Benchwarmers,” was supposed to be funny, when in reality, it was a last gasp attempt by the filmmakers
to save us from the evil god of Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po. The antenna on top of their heads have been brainwashing you this entire time, and the Sun is about to return. Run, run from the Sun. Don’t let its innocent giggles trap you. Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rage at close of day; Rage, rage against the light; tell Po and the H rest of the tubbies good night. ■
HIGHLANDER // highlandernews.org/arts
MOVIE REVIEWS
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT COMING OUT SOON: CAPTAIN F’LOPS
TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015 FINDING BEAN-O 1 LEAGUE UNDER THE D
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PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 10: ...ARGH
WATERWORLD // RATING: ★★★★★ NATHAN SWIFT Senior Sailor
This is the greatest movie ever made. This movie will end global warming. If you don’t like it then you should feel bad. ■H
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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
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HIGHLANDER // highlandernews.org/arts
AIN cancelled by: Jake Rich,Senior Sailor photos by: Vincent Ta
Annual RAIN concert cancelled due to excessive brightness; campus descends into madness
T
he giant yellow orb in the sky had spoken. Some confusedly walked around campus in a heat-induced fervor. Other attendees screamed as they ran for shelter under campus trees, regardless of their smell. A gigantic voice from a leader of event organizer SCUBA (Scotty’s Convenient Underwater Basket-weaving Association) echoed over the PA system, “Due to extreme sunlight, this year’s RAIN music festival has been canceled. Do not panic. I repeat, do not panic.” In spite of these directives, the festival, which was set to feature headliner Ice Cube, along with Cloud Nothings, Smallpools and Noah and the Whale, the campus devolved into absolute chaos as the water-plentiful, frequently cloudy campus dried up before our eyes. As the heat intensified, students, induced into a crazed, feral state, rushed to find the performers to demand they play their songs, despite the blistering weather. As they mobbed Ice Cube’s tour bus, the rapper opened a small window on his door to try and calm the crowd. “I cannot go out there,” he explained. “You don’t understand, I told SCUBA it needed to be a very specific temperature for my performance, and they could not meet it. I absolutely cannot perform because of these conditions. However, I have arranged for every student to receive a free copy of ‘Are We
There Yet?’” Unsatisfied, angry students tipped the bus over, busted through the door and pulled a profusely perspiring Ice Cube out. Immediately, everyone could tell something was wrong. “Somebody get me a freezer,” he shouted as he desperately struggled against the swarm of berserk students attempting to move his jaw up and down to force him to perform. As he kept slipping out of their grasp, he appeared to be diminishing. The students had apparently not considered exactly why he had named himself Ice Cube, and with the temperature far above 32 degrees Fahrenheit, he began to melt. “Today was not a good day!” he sorrowfully cried, as the mob lapped up his liquid remains to replenish themselves. ASUCR President Eugene Cangrejo could be seen trying to frantically hand him a school sweater in an attempt to fix the situation. On the other side of campus, Scotty the Bear led a cohort of students to knock down the Bell Tower and use it as a harpoon to kill the whale from Noah and the Whale, who had been beached after the massive heat surge lead to the evaporation of much of the school’s water. A surge of about 2,000 students chiseled the top into a spear point, and sent the historic campus object rocketing toward the whale. Band members and students alike then took refuge inside the whale as they ran from the evil bright-
ness that engulfed them. On threat of planting UCR’s famous Pyrus kawakamii trees in their backyards, the crowd forced the band to perform in the belly of the beast that was their former bandmate. English professor Geoff Cohen could be seen muttering incoherent “Moby Dick” references to himself in the corner of the refuge. As the entire whale collapsed, random cries of “Call me Ishmael!” could be heard in the darkness. “We have to work together,” Dylan Baldi, lead singer of Cloud Nothings told Sean Scanlon of Smallpools from their hideout underneath the toppled statue dedicated to the leader of the school’s water revolution, Squidward Tentacles. The two bands had managed to sneak out of their tour buses before the students got to them, but it was only a matter of time before they were found. “I have an idea, but it’s risky,” Scanlon said. “Evaporation.” “We have no other options left,” Baldi said. “I understand.” Baldi and his bandmates climbed to the top of the enormous statue, exposing themselves to the mob and the sun. “Quickly!” Scanlon shouted. “You’ve got to do it now!” “May the wind take us to a better place,” Baldi said and he and his bandmates started speaking in tongues and raised their arms to the sky. Scanlon and the rest of Smallpools ran
out underneath, and in a display of defiance against the madness, Smallpools reverted to their water states to allow Cloud Nothings to absorb them to become Cloud Somethings. Students chased the cloud, shouting obscenities as the lightest of breezes blew them away, but they escaped unharmed as they floated away into a brave new world. As of the time of this writ-
ing clouds have reemerged, the campus waters have been restored and everyone has been miraculously cured of their ailments, simply because enough water was saved to restore campus sanity. An event that has been a fierce reminder of school pride in the past will now serve as a deadly reminder of the evil deity, the Sun. We cannot, and will not let it defeat us. ■H
RAIN headliner Ice Cube melted after being exposed to the Sun for too long.
HIGHLANDER // highlandernews.org/arts
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
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THE ROOM // RATING: ★★★★★★★★★★ ROBERT LEES Staff Sailor
With the local theater closed for bi-annual scuba tank maintenance, I felt the time was apt for a retro review of my personal favorite film, “The Room.” However, how does one review something as colossal, multifaceted and groundbreaking as Tommy Wiseau’s seminal work? With over 16 novelizations, two established religions, weekly White House showings, an ongoing Broadway play and a top-selling soft drink, “The Room” seems to be more of a movement than film. However, after my recent viewing I am forced to ask myself: Is “The Room” simply the best film ever made or the best thing ever made? Written, directed, produced by and starring world-renowned sex symbol Tommy Wiseau, the film concerns main character Johnny (Wiseau) dealing with the trials and tribulations of life as a banker in San Francisco. He is dating Lisa (Juliette Danielle), who is aptly described by every character in the film as “hot,” and is best friends with Mark, played by James Dean reincarnation Greg Sestero. While superficially a film merely about one man’s downfall as his fiancee cheats on him with his best friend, Johnny is actually the Christ figure reborn. He consults friends and foes alike, is universally loved by everyone he comes in contact with, and is eventually betrayed by those he trusts most, ending his life in self-sacrifice. While not shown in the initial theatrical release, there is a post-credits scene wherein Johnny rises from the
dead to rule as King of the Cosmos, which is included in the Director’s Cut (along with 19 hours of additional footage). In addition, Jesus and Johnny both have long hair and their names both begin with the letter “J.” Symbolism like that extends beyond mere coincidence. What makes the film truly remarkable is its seamless blending of every genre of entertainment ever created. It features hilarious one-liners any comedy would be envious of, such as the sidesplitting “Oh hai Mark!” scene after Johnny is accused of beating Lisa and the snarkily satirical, “It’s bullshit, I did naaaaaat!” remark Johnny gives in his defense after he is accused of domestic violence. It also has much more dark, dramatic moments, such as when Johnny says, “Oh hi, doggy,” when purchasing flowers and when Lisa reveals that her pregnancy was simply a ruse at the birthday party that serves as the climax of the film. I and everyone else who have emotions cry every time we see these scenes, and the American Psychological Association has recently approved exposure therapy to “The Room” to treat Borderline Personality Disorder and Psychopathy. It is not just comedy and drama on display in “The Room.” The pulse-pounding football scenes are better than any sports movie, the thrilling “drug-dealer fight scene” was used as the inspiration for the “Die Hard” franchise and the sex scenes between Johnny and Lisa are a combination of romantic comedy and illustrated documentary of the “Kama Sutra.” Even the setting can be
COURTESY OF FILMS
considered to exist in the realm of fantasy, as San Francisco is depicted as above water in the film, when we all know that San Francisco was sunk to the bottom of the ocean after the 1997 earthquake. My only criticism of the film is that 99 minutes simply is not enough time with the characters we have come to know and love throughout the film. While the director’s cut and special edition do offer an additional 19 hours of features, a running time on the magnitude of several decades would be more
appropriate and would have answered more questions about the film. How many people come to mourn Johnny at his funeral? Who is the identity of Johnny’s mysterious new client at the bank? Why do they play football in tuxedos? While Wiseau has promised to answer these questions and many others in the upcoming sequel, he has been far too busy finding the cure for HIV and brokering a peace in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to work on filmmaking. For those who have not seen the film, I urge you to attend
one of the monthly showings at the Ark to fully immerse yourself in the majesty that is “The Room.” For those of you who have seen the movie and have been touched by its glory, our school offers a minor in Room Studies and hopes to implement a major by 2017. For those who are still unwilling to view the film by choice, be warned: The United States Supreme Court recently made failure to view “The Room” by age 30 a classtwo felony under the “You are tearing me apart, Lisa!” act of 2014. ■H
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SPORTS
TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
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UCR rowers defeat No. 1 Harvard DARREN BUENO Senior Sailor
COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS UCR’s rowing program starts out with a cannonball, defeating top-ranked Harvard in its first rowing compeition.
With the surplus of water flowing around the campus of UC Riverside, the athletics department announced last month the addition of its 18th sport: rowing. Despite having roots and popularity on the East Coast, rowing has been taking the state by storm with other Cal States and UCs adopting a rowing program in recent years. UC Riverside in its first competition downed top-ranked Harvard in front of a packed home crowd of gondola-goers. The Highlanders narrowly defeated the Ivy League program 16-15 in a field that included Oxford, Ohio State0 and Humboldt State, among others. “With the Inland Empire’s status as a hub for aquatics, this win comes as no surprise,” Athletics Director Jim Boeheim stated. “There have been talks for a long period of time to take advantage of the perfect water conditions near the campus, and the rowers proved the ability of this program today.” UCR’s team of eight rowers started the race in third place trailing leader Harvard and slightly behind Oxford in sec-
ond. Within the first 750 meters, the Highlanders pulled ahead of Oxford into second place. UCR moved to within a two-seat margin of Harvard by the 1000 halfway point. Riverside reeled in the John Harvards as it pulled even with its foe by the 1250 mark into the race and edged ahead by a one-seat difference upon hitting 1500. UC Riverside continued their late-race charge to increase their newfound lead to four seats with 350 to go. The Highlanders kept their push through the final line to win by eight seats, almost a full boat length, and two seconds better than Harvard, 7:12.405 to 7:10.332. “Listen, we knew what we were capable of from the start,” Team Captain Mike Williams explained. “Nobody wants to face UCR because of our superior knowledge of everything aquatics.” The Highlanders firmly placed themselves on the radar of rowing programs with the victory. And with over 1,000 fans cheering the team on, rowing looks to be the start of yet another successful sport at UC Riverside. ■H
HIGHLANDER NEWSPAPER
MEETING
April 6, 2015
5:15 p.m. @ HUB 101 JOBS & PIZZA AVAILABLE
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TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015
HIGHLANDER // highlandernews.org/sports
Sports
After a tight race in UCR’s first-ever Mascot Showdown, Scotty the Bear took his rightful place as the dominant mascot with a winning score of 82 to Norm’s 76.
CAMERON YONG / HIGHLANDER
Inauguration of UCR Mascot Showdown MELISSA FUENTES Contrbuting Recruit
Many fans have an obsession they take too seriously. Usually in college, fans are obsessed with either the basketball teams, soccer teams or the dance teams. Others, however, lean toward the mascot. This past weekend, for the first time in history, UCR held what will now be an annual Mascot Showdown. Secret enemies, Scotty the Bear and Norm the Navel, tested their dance skills, athletic skills and UCR pride, offering family-friendly fun for fans of all ages. There were little to no limitations — the only rule was “do not kill the other mascot” — but all injuries must be taken accordingly. So it began. It was a nice and sunny Satur-
day afternoon in the Student Recreation Center. Children, parents and students all waited with anticipation for UCR’s most famous duo. To kick off the showdown, Scotty and Norm were up for the first challenge: Oven Mitts and Balloons. In this challenge, contestants had to pop two balloons with oven mitts on their hands in one minute. No biting or stepping on the balloons was allowed. It was definitely not easy to pop the balloon, as both struggled to hold it still, but only Scotty successfully popped it. The games grew tougher. Many fans bragged about Norm’s high talents when it comes to shaking his tushy. Well, it was time to put the rumor and his dance skills to the test with the second challenge: Wiggle While You Work. Participants had to strap four pedometers
to their bodies, with one on each arm and leg. The first one to click the pedometer a total of 500 times by wildly moving their body was the winner. With hit song “Uptown Funk” playing in the background, the mascots wiggled their tails away. However, Norm’s pedometer hit 500 before Scotty’s — the rumor was true after all. The crowd seemed to be enjoying Scotty and Norm making fools out of themselves, but they were also given the opportunity to entertain each other. At the door, every individual was given a raffle ticket, which gave audience members a chance to participate and help out one of the mascots. The third challenge was the Piggyback Ride Challenge. Two lucky winners mounted Scotty’s and Norm’s back. Scotty with a 10-year-old on his back and Norm with a 20-yearold had to race against each other,
with whoever ran the longest distance being deemed the winner. At first Norm struggled to even walk. Scotty, on the other hand, began to skip, which caused him to trip over his own foot, sending the 10-year-old flying across the arena. Fortunately no one was hurt. Norm took advantage of the incident and managed to triumphantly run farther than Scotty. Now it was time to further investigate the hidden talents these mascots possessed. While Norm is known for being an incredible dancer, Scotty is known for being an extraordinary basketball player. After spending so much time with the men’s and women’s basketball teams, the skills were bound to rub off on him. The challenge was who could make the most freethrows in two minutes. Almost effortlessly Scotty destroyed Norm, 4-0.
The end of the showdown was near; however, Scotty and Norm were tied. Only one could come out victorious which called for the toughest challenge of the day. Being 2015, the last challenge was the Highlander Selfie. Using the newest invention of the selfie stick, each contestant had to take a selfie with a Highlander from the audience and whoever had the best selfie won. To determine who won the battle the crowd had to vote via text. It was yet another hilarious scene as Norm and Scotty each tried to run up the stairs to find the perfect Highlander to take a selfie with. Votes were in and Norm tallied up 76 votes, while Scotty finished with 82. It was another close win, but of course, the one and only Scotty the Bear took home the championship and the crowd went wild. ■H
Hometown hero: Scotty the Bear Jr. commits to UCR Basketball CODY NGUYEN Senior Sailor
After months of grueling anticipation, the country’s No. 1 basketball recruit has officially made his decision. Last Thursday afternoon, 8’4” center Scotty the Bear Jr. announced his intent to join the reigning national champion UC Riverside Highlanders. The announcement came from a Tweet by Scotty Jr., which stated: “#UCR baby! It was a hard decision, but I’m ready to bring another championship back to Riverside!”
Scotty Jr.’s signing comes as a relief to the Highlanders, coming off the heels of a championship season but set to lose a number of key starters to graduation. A Riverside native, Scotty Jr. feels as though he owes it to his city to play the role of hometown hero. “It just feels right for me, man. You know, I feel like the Riverside community has just done so much for me and it’s time for me to give back. I just wanna be the next Lebron James. If I’m gonna backstab my hometown, it’ll be when I
go to the pros,” stated Scotty Jr. Averaging over 50 points, 30 rebounds, 13 blocks and 5 steals per game, Scotty Jr. set school records in every statistical category at Martin Luther King High School, making him the most sought-after high school recruit in recent memory. Scouts and coaches across the country have sung high praises of Scotty Jr.’s play. One college scout defined his play style as “not even human,” with another stating that “he’s an animal out there on the court.”
The news of Scotty Jr.’s commitment was met with widespread joy in the UCR community, including by those currently on the team. Star senior point guard Norm the Navel expressed his excitement upon hearing of the news. “I’m really happy about this. With me and a bunch of other guys graduating this year, I didn’t think there was any hope for UCR basketball’s future. After we got Scotty though, I feel like the only direction the program can go is up.” The addition of Scotty Jr. to
the UCR roster will give the team a paint presence it has missed since the days of legendary center Jaylor Tohns, and will surely bolster the Highlanders’ chances of defending their championship title this upcoming season. At the conclusion of his press conference, Scotty Jr. emphasized his will to leave a lasting legacy at UCR. “I wanna be a legend here, someone that people won’t forget when I leave. Maybe they’ll create a bench with a statue of me sitting on it or something like that,” he said. ■H