The Tufts Delulu elulu T H E A N X I O U S AV O I D A N T S T U D E N T N E W S PA P E R C L U B E S T. T O M O R R O W
VOLUME LXXXVII, Solve for x to find the issue number:
Carm ~Rats~ Achieve Sentience
Tufts Accepts Student to Class of 2028 Aaron Klein
Dean of Nocturnal Admissions
Tufts announced its acceptance of one student to the Class of 2028 this past monday. The acceptance rate marks the lowest in university history. The admissions office evaluated more than 34,000 applications before making their decision. “Each year, we at the Tufts admissions office find ourselves faced with a monumental task,”
rat
Monday, April 1, 2024
wrote. “The one thing I will say, though, is that Greg has a killer head of hair.” Associate Director of Admissions Sean Ashburn shared a similar sentiment. “It’s always hard, these decisions,” Ashburn said. “But my God does that kid have a good head of hair.” Historically, hair has played a relatively minor role in university proceedings and was most notably absent with the recent
“I think it’s a good thing, this new level of selectiveness,” Shmarty said. “I really do. The more selective the better. It should really shoot us up in the U.S. News ranks. They accepted one kid, yeah? So what does that make our acceptance rate now? One … no … point zero, or … you do the math, but it’s certainly less than Harvard.” Still, some students have reservations. Jared O’Hare, bald, thinks the
Erin Zhu
Zhu already know
Reports of mice in student dorms in Carmichael Hall saw an uptick following spring break. In a statement released this past weekend by the university, it was revealed that Carmichael Hall’s recent plague of rodent infestation has persisted, evolving into a flourishing population in the basement of the resident hall. “While rodent sighting reports decreased towards the end of February,” read a report released by the university this past week, “after further investigation, we have reached the conclusion that the rodents in Carm have established permanent residence in the basement, with evidence pointing towards the possibility that they have achieved sentience. We have observed the execution of advanced urban planning by these rodents as well as evidence of artwork and the proliferation of a local rat culture.”
rodents had begun to tag the walls with artwork and other inscriptions, with one inscription reading “ME.” while another read “WHY?” These recent discoveries have complicated tufts university’s efforts to continue on with extermination. In response to questions sent from the Tufts Daily, a representative of tufts University responded in an email: “While we have worked tirelessly in the past to resolve infestation concerns, we cannot overlook the ethical implications of such continued action, given our current understanding of the situation and we will need to reassess extermination efforts going forward.” In a statement to the daily, a rat representative insisted that the rat population will resist all university attempts at removal.
THIS IS GREG. EVERYONE SAY HI TO GREG. GRAPHIC BY GREG (NAH ITS DALL-E) Dean of Admissions JT Duck wrote in a post. “Narrowing tens of thousands of applications down to a mighty few is never easy, and it is a process for which we take great care and dedicate significant time. It is with acknowledgement of this time spent that I can say this year’s class is truly special.” Women comprise 0% of the admitted class, a slight decrease from last year’s 56%, while men make up 100%. An additional 0% identify as non-binary, genderqueer or chose not to specify a gender identity. The university identified the newly admitted student as Greg. “Greg is a great kid,” Duck wrote. “We think he will be a great addition to the Tufts community.” In an email to the Daily, Duck elaborated on the decision-making process behind Greg’s admission. “As Dean of Admissions, I along with all other members of the admissions team - am not at liberty to share details of specific student applications or provide significant insight into our admissions process,” Duck
appointment of University President Sunil Kumar. Kumar congratulated the newly admitted class in a Tuesday email to the Tufts community. “I am deeply excited by this new class,” Kumar wrote. “It is wonderful seeing what type of student will be joining us on the Hill this fall, and I am particularly excited by this year’s class. This was our most selective year in university history. Having so many qualified applicants is truly a testament to our school’s continued commitment to academic excellence, and I know the competition for admission was steep this year. But the outcome makes sense. I hear that Greg has a tremendous head of hair.” Kumar continued that he hopes to be able to feel Greg’s luscious locks someday and touch it with his fingers. “I am sure that it is very soft,” Kumar wrote, “and very well-conditioned.” Student reaction to the incoming class has been largely positive. Kim Shmarty, a senior, is a fan of the school’s more rigorous approach toward admissions.
university’s increasing selectiveness may be the beginning of a dangerous trend. “I don’t like it,” O’Hare said. “We need more balds.” While campus is buzzing in anticipation of the new class’s arrival, that arrival may not be guaranteed. “Oh yeah. I remember Tufts,” Greg said during a phone call with the Daily. “In Connecticut, right? I think I got in there. I do like Connecticut, so I’d say I’m considering. A lot of other offers though. A lot of other offers.” “We are just so excited to welcome the Class of 2028 to Tufts next year,” Duck wrote. “All that this class will bring to our little light on the Hill. All that his future holds. It is a class full of talent, intelligence, wit and compassion. It is a class that, from what I can tell, uses very little product, and when he does, ensures that it is free of harmful sulfates and parabens. It is a class that you could only find at Tufts. Truly a class that is one in 34,000.” Accepted student has until April 1 (today!) to accept his offer of admission.
ITTYBITTIES
Exterminators sent in to further assess the conditions of the basement reported that the
4 NEATURES
6 GIRLYPOP CULTURE
9 OUR TWO CENTS
12 SPORTS
We ate every sandwich ever
One fish two fish, The Cat in the Hat sucks, what the hell
Toby ‘Win’-icks Ops’ (and Matthew’s) heart
Team SOG kicks the Bitches’ balls
TD Vomit
We have News We do not have SCIENCE Fartures C(ART)toons Everyone’s fav section Philosopinion Ah yes, ball Gaem
1 no ? guess! :) 69 :0