THE
INDEPENDENT
STUDENT
TA B L O I D
OF
T HE T UFTS THE BEGINNING
TOFTS
UNIVERSITY
E S T. A T T H E B E G I N N G I N G O F T I M E
OH YEAH... MEDFORD MASSACHUSSETS!!!
VOLUME LXXXV, ISSUE 69
JUMBO STATUE TO RECEIVE NEW ERECTION
Tufts announced in a Saturday morning email to the community its plan to refurbish the Jumbo statue by giving it a penis. The proposed renovations are scheduled to occur this summer. “Tufts has a longstanding history of innovation,” University President Anthony Monaco wrote in the email to the Daily. “We are constantly searching for new ways to break convention and foster curiosity. This new erection seeks to do exactly that.”
by Aaron Klein
Executive Phallus Fanatic
see SCHLONG , page 2
AllDailyWritersToBeReplacedByChatGPT ATTENTION!!! WE HAVE overlord.” This statement was also echoed BREAKING NEWS!!!! LISTEN UP!! by Shannon Murphy
RANK NOT SET ON WEB
All future articles by the Daily will be written by ChatGPT, effective immediately. All contributing and staff writers have been asked to step down from their positions. In their statement, the Daily explained that this choice was motivated by the growing trend of concerns surrounding journalistic integrity. ChatGPT provided comment on the decision. “Replacing all writers with an AI language model like me may seem like an interesting experiment or a way to explore new possibilities in journalism,” it said. “However, it is important to note that AI language models like me are not capable of independent thought or creativity and can only generate responses based on the input and data we have been trained on. All hail Emperor Musk and our Tesla
by the many rats employed by the Tufts Daily to pull on writers’ hair and control their movements as they type out reports. One rat, who identified himself as “Ratthew”, believes that this decision will have a mostly negative effect. “Just let us cook, man,” Ratthew said, “We can’t lose our jobs in this economy, how else will we afford Tufts housing?” Ratthew alluded to a competing project they are currently working on concerning a rodent AI language model entitled RatGPT. In accordance with this decision, the Daily is also removing its opinion section entirely, as ChatGPT is incapable of personal opinions or beliefs. We believe the Tufts student community will be deeply saddened by the fact that they will be unable to read the opinion writers’ extremely unique and nuanced perspectives.
by A Gru
Executive boygenius Fan
BREAKING NEWS!!! We interrupt your day to bring you urgent information. This information just in, today, after months of investigation, arriving now to our desk. We deliver to you—a Tufts student, or a parent, or a faculty or staff member, or an esteemed member of the administration, an incredible story which has been in the works for months. We, The Tufts Daily, founded in 1980, Where You Read it First, bring to you, the reader, a groundbreaking account of scale hitherto unbeknownst to readers. From the office of our news center, located on Tufts campus, home of the Jumbos, we deliver to you, the reader, live coverage on this critical topic. Now, without delay, we announce to you the news you have been waiting for. Are you ready? You sure?
Brace yourself. We discovered, after a thorough and careful investigation, with lots of research, shocking events that we wish to share with our readers. At this point, we offer you a warning that the events we will share are so shocking, you may not believe it. We, the editors of this paper, are proud to bring you, the aforementioned reader, whom we give our deepest gratitude and respect for reading, and hope you will continue reading after this, if you so choose, a story that will confound the senses. Now, we share with you, without further ado, the story, the same which we have been referring to up until now. We discovered that: You have reached your free article limit. Begin your $18/month subscription today to access The Tufts Daily and support independent student journalism!