The Tufts Daily - April 1, 2026 (APRIL FOOLS!)

The TufTs DiDDler

NEW TUFTS AQUATICS CENTER TO OPEN WITHOUT WATER

Tufts announced this weekend that its newly announced Aquatics Center would open without water in fall 2028 due to budget cuts and AI-related concerns.

The delay, announced in letters to the student body, will extend into 2030, though the facility will still open to the public and the student body in 2028. The facility’s viewing room, diving boards, and an empty 50 by 25 Olympic-sized swimming pool will be available for use despite the lack of water.

Paulie Carlins, the executive director of sexual relations, said the decision to withhold water from the facility was due to a variety of factors.

“The closure of the Strait of Hormuz has created a worldwide backlog of water,” he wrote in a misstatement to the Daily. “Additionally, students’ AI usage has contributed to a lack of available water.”

The war in Iran and the subsequent closure of the Strait of Hormuz has created a global rise in oil prices. The Daily could not, however, verify whether the war affected water availability.

“We’ll continue to monitor the situation,” Carlins added.

Carlins said fundraising efforts for the new facility had exceeded expectations, though the university did not comment on whether

donors were aware of the plans to open without water.

“I’m glad you told me this. I need to talk to my financial advisor,”

Johnny Epshteyn, a businessman and Tufts donor, said. “Significant mistakes were made here.”

Members of the public will still be able to swim, though it was not immediately clear how. The Medford Swim Walkers, a group of Medford residents who lead senior walks in empty pools, said they would be interested in using the new facility.

“This is a dream come true for us,” Joanne Kriegel said. “We’ve been lobbying for an empty pool in the Boston metro area for decades. We’re over the moon that one is opening in our backyard.”

The announcement presented challenges for the teams set to use the new facility. Tim Darley, a junior on the Tufts Diving team, said he reached the top of the diving board in the new facility before realizing the pool was empty.

“This school almost killed me,” Darley said. “I almost wish I had jumped just for the lawsuit money. I’d clean house.”

The Hamilton Pool will close to the Athletics teams who currently use it, causing coaches to get creative.

“I’m planning on having our swimmers run laps in the empty pit,” Artie Curry Jr., head coach of Tufts Swimming, said. “This is actually a blessing in disguise.”

As a supplement for the lack of water in the new Aquatics Center, the university said the bathtub in Gifford House would open to the public and the student body. Students were ecstatic at the opportunity to bathe with Sunil. Steven Turd, a sophomore studying computer science, expressed his excitement over bathing with Sunil.

“At first, I was really disappointed by the empty pool … but now I can’t wait to get close to Sunil,” Turd said. “Rub-a-dub-dub.”

Due to long lines outside of Gifford, Tufts announced it would start selling Sunil’s bathwater.

Tufts to rename Steve Tisch Sports and Fitness Center after Sackler family

Giuliano Glicciani, Evano

Vesmaro, Sadie Long Last Name, Olivia Hi, Zach Will Publish One Article a Year If Lucky

Seven years after removing the Sackler family name from the Tufts Medical Center, the university announced it would be replacing Steve Tisch’s name on the sports and fitness center with the Sackler family’s name.

Students rejoiced after the announcement that Tisch’s name would be removed. Their joy quickly dissipated after it was announced that the Sackler name would replace it.

“Tufts really loves its problematic donors,” Mike Cox, a senior, said. “Who are they going to name it after next? Prince Andrew? Epstein? Where does it end?”

The Sackler family said in a statement that they were

thrilled by the announcement.

“This is poetic justice!”

Richard Sackler said. “It’s been a long seven years but we’re back, baby!”

The Sackler family has remained infamous for its operations of Purdue Pharma, which had pushed the drug oxycontin on innocent families. Many have criticized the company for creating the modern opioid crisis in the United States.

“Eh, I don’t really give a shit,” Sunil Kumar, president of Tufts University, said. Kumar claimed that the decision resulted purely from monetary reasons and had nothing to do with any moral considerations.

“Fundraising is always a concern for our university,” Kumar. “We took inspiration from the Sacklers and decided to gain money in any

way we can. As a proud immigrant to the United States, I feel I must follow the American way of life and endorse the exploitation of poor people.”

The naming of the Sackler Sports and Fitness Center predates the creation of the Sean “Diddy” Combs Aquatic Center and the Saddam Hussein Center for Middle Eastern Studies.

South Park County

No one filled out the byline so Grace just wrote this sentence instead

Around 7 o’clock this morning, Carmichael Hall suddenly exploded. The incident resulted in the destruction of all the firstyear housing, but the dining hall portion remains unscathed. The first-floor vending machine and its contents were also notably spared.

Experts say this is tied to the numerous shutdowns prior to winter break that resulted from mechanical issues. Thankfully, no resi-

dents were present during the explosion and the only casualties included generations of rats and roaches. The rabbits were able to make a quick escape and found shelter in the Residential Quad. Students’ reactions varied upon hearing the news.

Sunil Kumar, President of Tufts University, noted that he 100% was on campus during the incident and rushed to the scene. He wanted the reporters to emphasize that he is always in his house, which is only a short

distance from Carmichael Hall. Clarence Nibbles III reported that Sunil Kumar was not present and that the rats are the reason the school is still running.

Mr. Nibbles III primarily works in Carmichael Hall as a sous chef. He is often spotted dashing past the entrance of the dining hall, rushing to retrieve ingredients from the community pantry in Barnum Hall.

“I have a strong loyalty to Carm and lately have been struggling to maintain a consistent menu because of dirty downhill thieves,” Nibbles said.

He expressed recent issues with the Nutrislice menu not matching the item served because of the “dirty downhill thieves,” whom we later discovered are the rats that live near Hodgdon Hall. Specifically, rumors have circulated that the explosion somehow involves a rat named Theodore Cheddarfield, the leader of the Hodgdon Hall Expensive Cheese Club.

Jimmy Squeaksworth, the head chef at Hodge on the Run and RA for Hodgdon Hall, gave his thoughts on the matter. After being questioned

regarding the accusations, he made quite a squeak. “The audacity of that sewer scoundrel! The uphills have hated us for years, and that dining hall of theirs deserved to be destroyed,” Squeaksworth said. “A dining hall and a residential hall in one building was bound to cause issues. The mechanical issues often cause an emergency steam shut-off to the residential housing.” At the end of the interview, he suggested that they may have planted the explosives in the dining hall to end the rivalry.

GRACE NELSON WAS HERE (AND BELOW)

FEAT PICS

He’s

a Dewick Rat. She’s a Carm Cockroach. Together, They Found

Author: Disgruntled Reporter

Remy, a Dewick rat, and Croachie, a Carm cockroach, didn’t expect to venture beyond their respective dining hall worlds.

For Croachie, nestling beneath cauliflower-crusted pizza and wading through OvaEasy® eggs was enough to keep her busy. Meanwhile, Remy spent his days leisurely bathing in the Dewick Soup of the Day, and occasionally tugging on chefs’ hair to get their perfectly authentic nacho bar just right. But one fateful day, their paths crossed, and love bloomed in the most unexpected of places.

Thank you so much for sitting down with the Tufts Daily. I see — oh, okay, I see your anten na is already wrapped around Remy’s tail. That’s … lovely. how we hold hands.

great. So, I think it’s pretty clear that this is a rather uncon ventional relation ship. I want to start with the first meeting — how did you two even cross paths?

Love in a Hopeless Place.

Remy: Well —

Croachie: So it all started — [muffled laughter]

Croachie: You go.

Remy: No, you go.

TD: Someone please go.

Croachie: Okay, okay. It all started with the Great Flood of Fall 2025.

TD: You mean Carmichael’s flooding issue?

Croachie: Yes. I was so scared and alone. I like my water

dles I can lap up between the floor tiles of the Carm showers. Not filling the entirety of my home.

Remy: She was so brave.

Croachie: I scuttled out of the dining hall, just barely escaping in time, but I had no idea what to do, where to go … that’s when I found my way downhill and through Dewick’s double-doors. In some ways it was a whole new world, but in others — the steam bath at the plate return window, the questionable wet spots on the floor and the AI images on the monitor — it was like I was back home.

MASTERPIECE CREATED BY SOFIA LIU

Remy: Right. And so that day, I had decided to take some me time — do you know how hard it is to get chefs to PERFECTLY

assemble 7000 tortilla triangles!?!?

Croachie: Somehow I found my way into the Dewick kitchen, and there he was … sensually bathing in the sink.

Remy: And I saw her and I thought, ‘Damn, what a busty mesothorax.’ And things just sort of went on

TD: Wow. What a story. So, I wanted to ask about — hi, sorry, could you please not actively wrap your legs around Remy’s body during the interview?

Croachie: I’m just cold! I’m just

Love at first bite: Dewick dating 101

Have you ever wondered: Is the love of your life at … Dewick? Is ‘the one’ currently in line for cod nuggets, passing by the greasy, gooey, cheesy pineapple-ranch pizza? Maybe, maybe not.

The campus crush epidemic has only increased as students advocate the academic benefit of drooling over someone in class. For many, it improves focus.

“I can just stare at the back of her head whenever I’m bored,” one senior said. “She’s kinda short, though. Firstyears usually are.”

A recent poll finds that approximately 82% of students who have campus crushes anticipate seeing them in Dewick. Of those yearners, 34% get horny at the dinner table thinking about it.

“Yeah, I’ve popped a Dewboner before,” one unabashedly honest sophomore who asked to be anonymous said. “It’s, like, a tradition.”

But what about those who have scored a Dewick date?

“He kept talking about the Boston cream pie. I genuinely thought he was gay.”

When a diligent Daily writer asked if he was gay, because

Remy: Babe, that’s unprofessional.

Croachie: God, I’m so sorry I’m not warm-blooded and can’t regulate my own body temperature —

TD: Okay, okay, it’s fine. I apologize for the … ectothermic insensitivity. Back the question: How have you two navigated this unorthodox love these past few months?

Remy: Well, let me tell you, tak ing regular trips uphill since Carm reopened has been rough.

Croachie: But we’ve solved that problem. We’ve agreed to meet in the middle. Each night, we share a moonlit kiss underneath Bowen Gate.

Remy: You mean we hard core tongue underneath Bowen Gate.

TD: Do cockroaches even have…?

Croachie: Remy, I thought I told you I don’t like that phrase! I’m sorry that all I can do is stick my labial palps in your mouth.

Remy: Babe, I love you because of your labial palps!

Croachie: Yeah right. I bet you say that to all the cockroaches.

TD: Um. Back to the question

Remy: You know you’re the only cockroach in my life.

Croachie: Why should I believe you? You’re a dirty, dirty rat.

21-67 days for an inevitable piece on how cockroach-rat hybrid babies are terrorizing the Tufts campus. See you next time! [aggressive lovemaking sounds continue]

EMILY O’IRELAND

it’s very important and relevant to the article, she showed an Instagram post of him in a teal, sequined crop top.

Editor’s Note: the Daily’s editorial team would like to add here that two entire paragraphs describing this crop top photo in lustful terms were cut from the article during the editing process.

Another reputable poll finds that 30% of yearners blame the burning failure of their date on the ambience.

“A rat and cockroach lay entwined in each other’s arms just two feet away from us,” one Tufts student wrote on the anonymous form. “I almost

peed my pants, but she was all like, ‘aww.’ I didn’t ask for a second Dewdate.”

Be warned, though — your food choices are very important.

“He ate an entire plate of burger patties like a stack of f---ing pancakes,” an aggrieved junior ranted. “And then two waffles. Who does that?”

Become Dewdaters, everybody. Attempt romance while listening to blaring outdated pop, making heart eyes over crusty beans and brushing hands while putting plates in the hot, steamy carousel. The love of your life could be nearby — score them with a Dewdate!

JOHN CHUNGUS

April Fools'

1. Antics 2. Bamboozle 3. Buffoonery 4. Deception 5. Escapade 6. Gag

7. Gambit 8. Game 9. Hoax 10. Hoodwinked 11. Horseplay 12. Jokes 13. MonkeyBusiness 14. Prank 15. Rag 16. Scam 17. Sham 18. Shenanigan 19. Spoof 20. Stunt 21. Tease 22. Tomfoolery 23. Tricks

7

Late Night At The Daily Evan: “Suck on it, suck on it, suck on it!” Grace: “You’re giving omega Evan, I can imagine you pregnant.” Maya: “Can I see your bathtub, Grace?”

Ewnay anguagelay rogrampay atway Uftstay

Aiamay Oldmangay

Hethay Anguagelay

Epartmentday atway Uftstay ademay anway executiveway ecisionday otay instillway a ewnay anguagelay atway Uftstay otay afterway opularpay emandday inway a ayway atthay isway oremay ophisticatedsay orfay issionsmay hatthay ightmay equireway oremay

ciallyway inway a asecay ofway angerday.

Aiam Namdlog (A’53), ethay Eadhay ofway ethay Uftstay Epartmentday ofway Igpay Atinlay, ayssay atthay eshay eceivedray a otlay ofway eedbackfay onway a urveysay atthay eshay ublishedpay atway ethay eginningbay ofway Octoberway ofway 2025 inway avorfay ofway histhay igbay angechay

“Iway idn’tday expectway osay uchmay ositivepay eedbackfay, utbay, Iway uessgay tudentssay antedway omethingsay

ewnay,” aidsay Namdlog.

“Eightyway ivefay ercentpay ofway tudentssay ereway inway avorfay ofway isthay anguagelay eingbay ewlynay

ermanentpay, andway Iway otgay ethay approvalway romfay ethay epartmentday.” Ationalnay Igpay Atinlay Anguagelay Cholarsay Boar Spanish (A’29) eganbay ishay ourneyjay ithway Igpay Atinlay enwhay eythay adhay otay earnlay Panishsay inway oneway eekway orfay a issionsmay riptay. Isthay owledgeknay ofway Igpay Atinlay elpedhay imhay earnlay Panishsay uchmay uickerqay. Usthay, inway 2020, Spanish entway otay etgay anway awardway inway anway Igpay Atinlay ranslationtay ompetitioncay.

“Enwhay ouyay eednay otay earnlay anotherway anguagelay imilarsay otay a Omanceray anguagelay, enthay Igpay Atinlay isway a oodgay ayway otay advanceway oneway’s owledgeknay ofway atthay,” aidsay Spanish. “Overallway, Igpay Atinlay isway a reatgay ayway otay earnlay oremay aboutway ethay orldway andway itsway anguagelay ructuressay.”

Inallyfay, Aunajay Arloscay Aicedocay (A’24), a eniorsay cholarway inway Omanceray

The Exposué

It’s not. We all know it’s not.

After months of rigorous observation and firsthand exposure to conditions that may violate several known laws of journalism and also hurt my feelings, I present the following findings regarding the current Editor-in-Chief, Josué Pérez. What follows is a non-exhaustive list of behaviors that raise serious questions about his continued employment.

Top 10 Reasons the Editorin-Chief Should Absolutely,

Definitely, 100% Be Fired (Immediately, Preferably Yesterday): 1. Demonstrates catastrophic leadership failure by consistently neglecting to restock office candy, thereby undermining morale and basic human decency. 2. Regularly speaks over women and often threatens to fire them with alarming frequency and enthusiasm. 3. Maintains objectively incorrect cultural opinions, such as the assertion that the “Glee” (2009–2015) version of “Smooth Criminal” was bad.

4. Exhibits ongoing technological incompetence during weekly executive meeting presentations, raising questions about his ability to function in a modern newsroom. 5. Publicly denies the possibility of fairies being of the male gender, revealing both a lack of imagination and a concerning commitment to arbitrary gatekeeping. 6. Demonstrates blatant favoritism toward the News section, especially in the context of the hunt. (Show Multimedia some love, bigot!) 7. Misuses

Slack for non-work-related communication, blurring the already fragile boundary between professional collaboration and personal chisme.

8. Instituted a sudden and likely fraudulent $25 per person Venmo charge during this semester’s hunt, with no clear journalistic justification (yikes). 9. Publicly accuses staff members of having contagious cases of ‘cooties,’ contributing to an increasingly hostile (and medically confusing) work environment. 10. Conducts unsolicited surveillance by taking candid photos

Anguagelay Oliticspay, aredshay owhay isthay anguagelay illway evolveway academicaway igorray orfay uturefay areerscay.

“Ithway ethay ewnay olicypay, eway areway inallyfay onnectingcay istoryhay andway odernmay ealthhay,” aidsay Aicedocay. “Earninglay Igpay Atinlay isn’tway ustjay aboutway ecretlysay ommunicatingcay, utbay atherray aboutway understandingway ethay uancesnay ofway owhay eway orkway ogethertay asway a ommunitycay. Ifway ouyay ancay astermay ethay ulesray ofway Igpay Atinlay, ouyay ancay asterfay ommunicatecay ithway oremay eoplepay andway astermay ethay omplexcay ethicsway ofway lobalgay oliciespay!”

Ethay epartmentday lanspay otay osthay a elebrationcay inway Aymay, eaturingfay Igpay Atinlay istoryhay, oetrypay eadingray, andway ummyyay reatstay! Orfay Uftstay tudentssay, ethay uturefay isway otnay ustjay rightbay, utbay righterbay!

Correction: This article has been considered obsolete due to deliberations within the Tufts Language Department. Pig Latin will be a language program at Tufts in 2067.

of staff members around campus — ‘snipes’ — and sending them to the sniped individuals, creating an atmosphere which can only be described as vaguely dystopian.

The evidence is overwhelming, the vibes are off and the cooties are spreading. At this point, termination is both justified and necessary. For the good of the Daily, the university, and society at large, we must act swiftly and decisively.

If you support this urgent cause, you should instead spend your $25 here: gofundme.com/NoWayJosue

AKPSI X DTD MIXER

Diddy At Night With Hollywood’s It Kids

Spring LaSnow Deputy Arts Editor

It was a Monday night, and like all the Monday nights in all the bars in all the cities in all the world where young people live, the Hard Rock Cafe brimmed over with men and females. I inhaled the sweet smell of sweat and hairspray. Ah. This was Los Angeles, and I was seated at a little table with the film industry’s five hottest rising stars.

Linas Phillips, the leader of the pack – suave, blond, sex on a stick –leaned back in his chair and chewed his lip. He had his eye on one of the females across the bar, a rather plain brunette. She was bashful, giggling under his gaze, and then he flashed her his signature smile – that damn smile, sex on a white porcelain sink,

you’ve all seen it – and she melted because how could you not? He was Linas Phillips.

“Uh oh,” Delano Montgomery said. Delano Montgomery, with that chiseled face so instantly recognizable it might as well be the fifth face on Mount Rushmore. “Linas is looking for trouble. And when Linas wants trouble, he gets it.”

There were many boys in the bar that Monday night, some of them as sexy as those at this one round table I was at, but these boys – these young studs, decked out in tight jeans and black leather – they were the Big Thing.

One female was hovering around our table, cocking her head as she

tried to figure out if that was really Bud Cort sitting next to me, the star of that blockbuster Brewster McCloud. His long legs – sex on a toothpick –were crossed casually, signaling to the female that he was not interested. Bud was used to this – and sick of it. I laid a hand on Bud’s knee to show him that even though I was just the journalist here, I cared. He flinched away from my touch.

Meanwhile, heartthrob Eric Lloyd was tapping the toe of his loafer to the beat of the music, his sense of rhythm raw and super sexual. “Come on, guys,” Eric said, wiggling in his chair a little. “Who’s gonna get up and dance with me? I feel like dancin’.”

Alex Karpovsky, Eric’s typical

partner in crime, sighed. “Eric. You know I get swarmed by the paparazzi every time I bust it out on the dance floor. You know that when I start moving my hips it’s like I’m sending out an Amber Alert for the National Enquirer.”

While Alex acted as though he wanted nothing to do with fame, Linas seemed to be inviting all too much attention. “Do you think anybody notices that my scent is different?” he whispered to Delano, puffing out his chest like his abs just prolapsed.

“Linas is looking for trouble,” Delano said, shaking that Greek statue head from left to right.

Linas chuckled, his signature smile on full display. “Well done. You know, you’re not so bad to have around, for a journalist.”

I shrugged as casually as Bud Cort crossed his legs. “Just doing my job, Linas.”

“Well, I noticed you changed your scent, Linas,” I said. “You usually wear Old Spice, but now, you’re wearing Dr. Squatch.”

OPINION (DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOURS)

Why won’t Tufts let me be the commencement speaker?

This is an open letter to the Tufts community. I, Dan Crenshaw, member of the 2006 Tufts alma mater and proud representative of Texas’ second district, have something to say. Tufts won’t let me speak at commencement. I’ve been emailing them for the past 7 years now, ever since I joined the House of Representatives in 2019. Tufts has never responded to these emails, which is confusing. Why won’t Tufts let me speak? Is this yet another example of liberal institutions silencing conservative views?

Despite my affiliation with the Republican party, I consider myself a more nuanced conservative. I cast my votes for the people of Texas, not for any communist corporation or liberal elite. Even if that happens to be a vote for every single bill President

Trump has ever backed, I assure you, students of Tufts, that I am just like you.

I used to be an ROTC student here at Tufts, and president of Model UN (yes, it still exists after high-school). It was here in Model UN that I learned the ins and outs of politics. What most people don’t understand about international relations, is that most political decisions happen behind the scenes. That’s why, as a sophomore and mock United States UN representative, I accepted 30 dollars in JumboCash and a meal swipe from Tufts Dining to vote against making food a universal right, and as a Texas Representative, I accepted over 30,000 dollars and a successful ad campaign from Chevron to let them put a 50,000 ton oil rig in some random Texan farmer’s pond.

Tufts students, I was just like you. I ate the soggy eggs at Dewick, and picked up burrito bowls at Hodge. I lived in Harleston Hall and probably used the same exact washing machine that you use today. I tried to get into a DTD party as a freshman only to get laughed away to Pizza Days. I slept with two professors, male and female, as well as all of the TAs at the same time, just to pass my Intro IR final, and I still failed it because they said my penis was too small. I am just like you.

It is this mutual experience that I wished to convey in my commencement speech, but alas, it’s that pesky label: Republican. Republicans are the most oppressed group in American society, and the most persecuted throughout histo -

ry. It was Jesus Christ himself who was the first Republican. I believe it was Jesus who said, to the people of Nazareth, “a free market is a fair market, and a fair market is a free world” (Christ, Corinthians 3:18). What Jesus was trying to say here is that LGBTQ people are destroying the world, and we should do everything in our power to make their lives as miserable as possible. When I lost the Texas Republican primary, it was because of woke. This world is run by the top 1% of the 1%. This elite ruling class controls everything in our government, through their PACs, shadow lobbyists, and companies that are more wealthy and powerful than most countries. If the elite want something to happen, they will throw exorbitant

Zara Larsson appearance proves Tufts rank as mega ivy

Ronica Meilly Soon to rise

Tufts’s placement in the Massachusetts university ecosystem has long been contentious at best. Its dick measuring contest with schools like Harvard yielded unsatisfactory results, to be quite frank (not that size matters). We received the pity title of “mini ivy,” which is the equivalent of a participation trophy at the Olympics. But our time has finally come. No longer

will they laugh at us, no longer will we be best known for that one Family Guy joke. Tufts University has entered the big leagues.

Tufts’s very own president, Sunil Kumar, decided to take matters into his own hands.

Longtime youngest sibling, once he heard that Harvard was looking to book Zara Larsson for their spring fling, inspiration struck. He wore his Sunday best - socks with sandals - and got on the next plane to Sweden. Once there,

he followed the moon, and it led him right to the front door of Ms. Larsson. “Sunil, how did you find-” ” We don’t have time for that Z, listen to me very carefully,” he whispered.

“The fate of the world rests in your petite, Swedish hands.” “What do you want me to do Sun?” she asked, eyes widening in concern. “I need you to perform at our spring fling.”

“Oh, I don’t know Nil, I mean you know I’d do anything for you, especially after… everything. But I have to think

about my reputation. I mean, how do you think performing at a MINI ivy would look, especially when I could perform at a real one?”

“First of all, I don’t appreciate how you phrased that,” he snapped back, attitude lacing his words, “and second of all, with you performing at Tufts, we won’t be a mini ivy anymore, we’ll be a mega one.”

“Oh Sunil, I love it when you get all passionate like this,” Zara replied, leaning in. “Z, you know we can’t.”

amounts of money at it until they get their way, and the best part is that it’s 100% legal. There’s no other way to define these people other than filthy Communists. It’s communist billionaires that stole the election from me, and it’s communist billionaires that are preventing me from speaking this May at Tufts’ graduation.

So students of Tufts, when you step outside today and enjoy the warm April air or sit back and relax on the President’s Lawn, remember. It’s not me they’re after, it’s you. I’m just in the way. With that said, I would like to conclude with a few words. Fuck communism, go birds; Q is real and the Irish potato famine was made up by bisexuals. Dan Crenshaw out. WWG1WGA. Bitch.

Letter from the editor in chief: I quit. I can’t

Dear Daily and Tufts community,

I quit. You all win. I can’t deal with this shit anymore. My job is so hard and no one understands me (emo).

Every member of the Managing Board hates their job because I fostered a horrendous environment just like one of my predecessors who illegitimately won her election. (The Ronald Reagan of the Daily).

The video exec’s report is not ENTIRELY false, but there’s some libel in there. I will address each point oneby-one — the exact way the video exec killed all of those children in the Jedi Temple on Coruscant.

1. Why should I be buying snacks for the office when I can buy cherry cokes and Takis? 2. I also threaten men with termination. 3. I HATE THE GLEE VERSION OF “SMOOTH CRIMINAL.” THAT SONG IS DEFINITELY CRIMINAL — A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY, YOU MIGHT SAY — BUT IT IS

NOT SMOOTH AT ALL. I HATE THAT FUCKING SONG. IF IT GETS PLAYED IN MY PRESENCE I WILL FIRE YOU. 4. Yeah i got nothing. 5. Have YOU seen a male fairy? 6. After four semesters without a former news exec EIC, it was time for a change. NEWS ALL DAY EVERYDAY. No more former ops exec EICs. 7. I don’t share the chisme over Slack, I tell Gaya that I have chisme for her. But the messages delete in 90 days so no one will know… 8. Venmo me $25+ @josueperez05 if you want more points for the Hunt or a position on the Managing Board. This strategy has worked out well for several popes in the past. 9. Executive Video Editor Gaya tried to touch me during the Hunt (without consent — HELPPPPPPPP) and it scared the daylights out of me. I run a no-cooties operation here. If there is one thing that elementary school taught me other than my ABCs, 123s, the American Revolution, and many other things, it is that cooties are

bad. 10. GET READY TO BE “SNIPED” SPRING 2026 EXECUTIVE BOARD!!!! (For all of you old people out there from the class of 2026 and beyond, that means taking a picture of a person out in public without them seeing you. The fact they’re called “snipes” is actually kinda crazy to me.)

(In Richard Nixon voice): Therefore, I shall resign the Chiefship effective at noon tomorrow. Vice President Roraback-Meagher will be sworn in as editor-in-chief at that hour in this underground office.

People should know if their EIC is a crook. Well I’m not a crook, even if Gaya says I am. I am a deeply caring person for people who do not piss me off. I don’t know who, though.

My final act is to ban and from speaking in the Daily again; we disavow him and her.

Bellum aut tenebrae, Josué Pérez

Or at least that’s how our sources tell us the conversation went. Regardless, Ms. Larsson’s decision to perform at Tufts University over Harvard (Barfvard) is a major one for the history books. It’s a signal of the changing tides, a movement away from crimson red and towards a dead elephant. Although Tufts has long been small, it has stood mightily, and we can finally live in a world where it is considered to be a somewhat more elite institution.

take it anymore.

Clav and JoéSway pictured in tisch basement. Photo credit: ASU Frat leader that frame

SOCKS

Local bracket pool still being led by man who has not watched college basketball all season

slate of games, when he opened the group chat with the message: “Perfect bracket so far. Light work.”

By the second weekend of March Madness, every bracket pool has sorted itself into a clear pecking order.

There is the person who spent all of Selection Sunday announcing that he had found “three or four real edges.” There is one who insists he does not care despite checking the standings every eleven minutes. There is your niece who picked entirely by color and is somehow in fourth. There is the guy whose bracket died on the first Thursday and who has responded by becoming even more opinionated.

And then, every year, there is first place.

In this case, first place belongs to Tyler, who has not watched a single college basketball game this season and, until recently, thought the Elite Eight referred to a group of historically important programs selected by journalists at the end of the year.

Asked how he built the best bracket in the pool, Tyler kept it simple.

“I don’t know,” he said. “Some schools just sound like they know what they’re doing.”

At press time, this had proven more effective than data, expertise, and emotional investment.

The Early FavoriteBrendan, 21, briefly emerged as the pool’s leading authority after the first

At the time, the message was received as cocky but potentially justified. By that point, he had gone 11-for-11 and was speaking with the calm, dismissive confidence of a man who believed he had solved a tournament that has spent decades humiliating people exactly like him.

By Saturday night, his entire Final Four was gone.

Reached for comment, Brendan said the results were “honestly pretty fluky” and argued that the teams he picked were still “the right picks in principle.”

“You can’t let outcome-based thinking ruin your process,” he said, while sitting in 22nd place. When informed that outcome is generally considered a major part of picking winners, Brendan said that was “a casual way to look at it.” He later added that several teams had “completely sold,” which is the annual term used by so-called “brackettologists” to describe the shocking and unfair act of athletes failing to protect a stranger’s predictions.

The Current Leader Tyler, meanwhile, has continued to widen his lead using a system described by others in the pool as “basically insulting.”

Among the principles guiding his bracket: He does not trust

orange teams late in the tournament. He prefers mascots that look alert. He is suspicious of schools with names that sound “too engineered.” He picks against coaches who look like they would overreact to a delayed appetizer. He also admitted to advancing one team because “their logo looked expensive.”

And yet Tyler had Iowa in the Elite Eight.

Asked why, he answered immediately.

“Ashton Kutcher.”

What?

Tyler explained that Kutcher attended the University of Iowa, and that he, Tyler, had long maintained an unpopular loyalty to Kutcher’s performance in Jobs.

“So you picked Iowa because Ashton Kutcher once went there and you liked his Steve Jobs movie?” someone asked.

“Yeah,” Tyler said. “That’s kind of exactly it.”

This was not his only reason, which was somehow worse.

“Iowa feels like a team that could get the church basement open,” he said.

What did that mean?

“You know. Bad weather. Power’s weird. Everyone’s stressed. Somebody needs folding tables. Iowa would know what to do.”

He was then asked whether any of this had to do with basketball.

“It seems to me that basketball in March is just different

versions of a church-basement emergency.”

No one in the pool has been able to explain why this line of thinking has produced better results than the spreadsheets, podcasts, and emotional overinvestment surrounding it.

Asked whether he plans to watch the remaining games, Tyler seemed confused by the question.

“Do I need to?” he said.

The Model

Currently in 16th place is Steven, who spent the week before the tournament building what he called a “balanced predictive framework”.

According to Steven, the framework weighted offensive efficiency, defensive efficiency, guard play, coaching history, travel profile, experience, turnover rate, and “late-game emotional resilience,” a category he admitted to making up himself.

The framework now trails Tyler by 113 points.

“It’s not that the model failed,” Steven said. “It’s that the tournament introduces noise.” When asked whether noise might be one of the more relevant features of a single-elimination tournament famous exclusively for noise, Steven declined to engage with what he called “that whole results-based mindset.“He later opened a spreadsheet titled FINAL_MODEL_USE_ THIS_ONE and pointed to

Road to the

Everything could not be more perfect

We’re in the last international break before the World Cup, and things could not be going better.

The host nation United States lost their first friendly 5-2 to Belgium at home. A crowd of 66,000 turned up to the air-conditioned Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta, where the temperature was maintained at a comfortable 67 degrees Fahrenheit (20 Celsius for international readers). Despite these ideal conditions, there were still two mandatory water breaks in case players got too hot. In a display of defensive abilities that can only be described as “ambitious,” the future hosts demonstrated once again that saying you play soccer and actually playing soccer are two different things.

Still, many fans remain convinced the US are favorites for the tournament. Sophomore

Mia Brazil texted me after the game: “I believe in my country!” Apparently, two months is sufficient time for a team to develop cohesion. A more critical voice came from sophomore Tasha Roseman, whom I asked about the US team’s chances of doing well at the World Cup. She answered candidly: “I would say two percent. Skill-wise I would go lower.” Rianna Bissessar offered a more optimistic take. A longtime US women’s team fan, she sees similar grit and determination in the men’s squad: “I think the US men’s team is the only solid competitor compared to all the other countries.” I was glad to see such intense patriotism and hope. I only wish I could share it.

Moving south to Mexico, the newly renamed Estadio Banorte (previously known as Azteca and probably forever known as Azteca) was inaugurated last week. Amidst protests from local residents about how last-minute finishing touches had drained water supplies and disrupted daily life, a thrilling game took place between Mexico and Euro Nations League champions Portugal.

The stadium was spectacular: lights, shows, pyrotechnics. Friends who attended were in awe of the production value. No one really wants to comment on the fact that they spent an average of $800 per ticket to watch a 0-0 tie. Even funnier were the number of people interviewed outside the stadium who were Mexican and there to support Portugal. The disappointment in their own team runs deep. Many bought tickets expecting to see Cristiano Ronaldo, apparently without checking that the 41-year-old stayed in Saudi Arabia to collect his paycheck (he’s actually injured, sorry Cristiano).

At least Mexico’s fan chants were better than the American ones. “I believe that we will win!” will never be acceptable on a soccer field, in my opinion. But that’s coming from someone whose country’s fans regularly stop matches by repeating a very banned and prohibited chant. So maybe we have different standards for what constitutes a bad cheer.

As always, stay excited for the World Cup. I promise it will all be better. And if not, at least it’ll give us plenty to talk about.

three games that had gone “against the percentages.”

“If even two of those break the other way,” he said, “I’m basically leading.“Pool members described this as a common March affliction in men who need every incorrect prediction to remain conceptually correct.

“He says ‘process over results’ like he’s running a hedge fund,” one member said. “It’s a twelve-dollar pool.“The Aesthetic Bracket

Meanwhile, in third place, is Claire, whose bracket was completed in approximately seven minutes and appears to have been built entirely on visual intuition and low-level contempt.

Claire said she tends to avoid teams whose uniforms look “too eager” and distrusts schools that “have sent me too many emails.” She also advanced Tennessee several rounds because she misunderstood the Volunteers to mean that they were not, in fact, a basketball team at all, but rather a group of local men who had stepped in out of civic duty. She found this narrative moving.

Despite offering no metrics, no film study, and no familiarity with 90 percent of the field, Claire currently sits above 24 people who spent Selection Sunday using phrases like “sneaky Final Four,” “value seed,” and “you have to know where the public is.”