April Fools 2026

TEACHING IN STYLE

Oliver Valcorza

Marriage between English Teachers Postpones AP Lit Exam Date

STORY GOLDFISHLOVER34, I really hate Goldfish crackers & TWEEDLE DUM, Are you mimicking me?

ILLUSTRATION ANSEL ADAMS

Love is in the air! Mr. Afram, a stupendous English teacher, proposed his love (and marriage) to Ms. Kadri this past week. Rumors of the relationship between Ms. Kadri, who teaches AP Literature and Freshman English, and Mr. Afram made their way around campus. It had originally been presumed to be a joke of sorts. The proposal, which took place during her third period freshman class, brought tears to the eyes of many. The so-called “joke” amongst students (and faculty) is true!

Kadri, whose classroom is only a door down from Afram’s, spoke of her joy. “I’m absolutely ecstatic about this chapter in my life”, she said. Afram allegedly proposed with a lint-encrusted-and-half-consumed Ring Pop. We say allegedly because we hope that isn’t the case! Ms. Kadri deserves better than that. In attendance, alongside her freshmen, was her

Punch the monkey adopted

STORY BATMAN, Yes, I CAN name 5 Robins ILLUSTRATION TITI ME PREGUNTO, Shucks

If you are online in any capacity, you know about Punch the Monkey. For any of you living under a rock, Punch is a little monkey who was abandoned at birth by his mom and was given a stuffed monkey by the zookeepers. This poor little guy has been carrying around this stuffed animal everywhere he goes, partly because it’s a cute monkey, but also because the other monkeys bully Punch. It’s a cruel, cruel world for my boy Punch.

Things are not going very well for Punch. That is why I propose that instead of this poor monkey withering away in a Chinese zoo while people record him being absolutely dogged on by the other monkeys, Tiger should adopt him. I already have a list, so hear me out now:

1. Everyone will be really nice to him. We will give him lots of hugs and won’t yell at him/beat him up like the monkeys at the zoo. We will also let him take food from the COPA cabinet if he wishes.

2. He can be the new mascot!! The whole tiger mascot is a little overdone, but you know what isn’t? A monkey mascot. Doesn’t “South Pasadena: Home of Punch the Monkey” sound so much better to you? We could also rename Tiger to “Punch” for consistency’s sake. The Punch Newspaper has a nice ring to it.

loveable dog, Bear. Bear, a truly magnificent creature, is the subject of countless “Happies and Crappies”, a longstanding tradition in Ms. Kadri’s classes. In regard to his plans for the future, Mr. Afram said, “This is a moment in my life that I will never forget. Being with this woman, whom I love so dearly, is truly a blessing.”

The wedding is scheduled to take place on the AP Literature exam date. (Phew!) It is rumored that Mr. Afram called in a favor from Ms. Jaroch, who begrudgingly agreed to be the flower girl in exchange for giving her AP Lang class the lowest possible scores on their most recent timed write. The location of the wedding is unknown, but some teachers have shared their input on the proposal.

“This is truly amazing! I would just like to state that I was there from the very beginning,” said AP government teacher Mr. Valcorza.

The happy couple seems elated about their union. When asked what she thinks of Mr. Afram’s proposal, Ms. Kadri said, “It all connects to the meaning of his work as a whole– his devotion to teaching is joined by another devotion: me!” Congratulations are in order!

by Tiger

3. We can (probably) afford it. If I’m being totally honest, I haven’t looked into how much shipping a monkey across the world would cost, but I’m sure it’s nothing a few bingo shifts can’t fix.

4. I really like monkeys. Punch is a monkey. It’s basically a match made in heaven.

5. Punch will be SUPER well-behaved. There’s this whole totally undeserved stigma that monkeys are silly or crazy or whatever, which is SO not true! Have you ever seen Curious George? That gentleman is extremely wellmannered. He even wears t-shirts.

6. He will be good for morale. Idk his presence just seems very motivational.

7. We could take him out and about. A lot of my knowledge about monkeys comes from Curious George, and that guy was always in human spaces, so it’s a very reasonable assumption that Punch can be too. Also, he would be a great addition to TAAGLAAs. Imagine him getting a $50 tarot reading.

8. Diversify the student body! SPHS is already a pretty diverse campus, but we are severely lacking in the whole animal department. Punch deserves an education, too.

9. Word is just in that Punch has a girlfriend now!? Yo I mean good for him I guess we can adopt her too.

Archive of Our Own Shutdown

Major Character Death, Ms. Kadri/Mr. Afram, Hurt/Comfort, Dead Dove Do Not Eat

STORY LITTLE MISS CHATTERBOX, all the chatter is about Patrick Jane. & LITTLE MISS OVERTHINKER, does my name make me sound stupid?

ILLUSTRATIONS TRIPLE T, T’S TUNG TUNG TUNG

SAHUR & JIMIN FROM BTS, I got no jams

JK Rowling, renowned TERF feminist and performative liberal, would likely be horrified to learn that the series she dedicated decades of her life to, Harry Potter, has been warped to satisfy the delusional fantasies of elder millennials.

Nowhere else would such a bastardization be permitted other than Archive of Our Own (AO3), a popular fanfiction website that has captivated both the exact genre of Democrats that have led Republicans to strawman the Gen Z population at large and that one girl in your math class who won’t let anyone see her Chromebook screen (she just really likes Stranger Things, okay?).Early March brought a rather unfamiliar predicament to the audience of Archive of Our Own — an outage. Similar to Paul Revere’s midnight ride (Tiger

formally apologizes to William Dawes and Dr. Samuel Prescott), users immediately took to the internet to alert the mass population to the devastating development. Unable to find comfort in the Archive, netizens were forced off their laptops.

“I touched grass for the first time in weeks,” a student said.

Many high schoolers found themselves at a loss without their website access. During the temporary shutdown — a result of technical issues from a database software update (and some very avid dramione fans) — students and adults alike nearly died from boredom.

“The sunlight was glaring, and yet I couldn’t shake my sense of loneliness. I’ve never missed my ‘dead dove do not eat’ tag as much as I did in those moments,” a student stated.

To them, AO3 is more than just a fanfic website — it’s a lifestyle. Mark Brighton, managing editor of South Anedasap High School’s newspaper, found himself at a

loss. A burnt-out genius, Berkoff finds solace amongst digitized pages of Hollanov and First Prince. Without his unrestricted access to woke delirium (as the conservatives would say), Brighton went all but stir crazy.

Brighton described his withdrawal symptoms. “My brain was in a constant fog, and even getting up to walk to the bathroom felt impossible. I was shaky and could barely move. It’s like I had just lost a father figure. I couldn’t even say ‘papa, please,’ anymore.” Grades skyrocketed across campus as students turned to textbooks instead of gay fanfiction. Students began to ship Shakespeare and John Keats over Wolfstar (“I kiss the wall’s hole, not your lips at all” - William Shakespeare, 1594 — “stepbro” omitted).

The darkness receded on March 3, when netizens and keyboard warriors once more flooded into the warm (wet?) arms of the Archive, who welcomed them with a soft kiss to the forehead (and some less soft embraces later). Crisis averted. Rejoice.

THE TIGER

NSPA FIRST CLASS 2025

NSPA FIRST CLASS 2024

CSPA GOLD MEDALIST 2023

CSPA SILVER CROWN 2022

CSPA SILVER CROWN 2021

CSPA GOLD MEDALIST 2019

CSPA SILVER CROWN 2018

CSPA GOLD MEDALIST 2017

CSPA CROWN AWARD 2016

CSPA GOLD MEDALIST 2015

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

LITTLE MISS CHATTERBOX, All the chatter is about Patrick Jane.

MANAGING EDITORS

LITTLE MISS SCATTERBRAIN, Oh! Look! A bunny rabbit!

LITTLE MISS OVERTHINKER, Does my name make me sound stupid?

BATMAN, Yes, I CAN name 5 Robins

NEWS

CHRIS P. BACON, Served to you

OPINION

WILSON, I too am in this newspaper

FEATURE

BATMAN, Yes, I CAN name 5 Robins

SPORTS TETO, guys he might be gay

DESIGN

XING XING, Tibetan macque KRILL, not so shrimple now

PHOTOGRAPHY

MY DMS ARE OPEN, Chat is this rizz?

COPY

MIKU, guys i might be gay SIMON, Garfunkel

STAFF WRITERS

TWEEDLE DEE, Are you mimicking me?

TITI ME PREGUNTO, Shucks GOLDFISHLOVER34, I really hate Goldfish crackers

ACADEMIC WEAPON, Lol wrote this at 12:23 a.m. MADDIE, Bam what EDWIN, Edwin

SHIRLEY TEMPLE, This is better than the farm ig KISS ME I’M IRISH!, If you insist WHATEVER, Literally just put whatever TWEEDLE DUM, Are you mimicking me?

MIN WOO LEE, Let him cook

STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS

LITTLE MISS BOSSY, I prefer “precocious” RUBBER BULLET, I like trains!!!!

ANSEL ADAMS, Yosemite is my whole life!!!

STAFF ILLUSTRATORS

JIMIN FROM BTS, I got no jams TRIPLE T, IT’S TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR LOLA DOGGIE

PAGE DESIGNERS

LIV, Sing it looouuuuddd SPAM MUSUBI, :) BUBBA GUMP, I’d rather be shrimping

VIDEOGRAPHER JP, answer my calls

BUSINESS AND ADS MANAGER PISTACH, This is Don Corleone

SOCIAL MEDIA SPECIALIST

BOB DYLAANANANAAAAAAA, STATISTICS WHAT?!

FACULTY ADVISOR DEMOCRACY, Where am I?

JAPAN IS TURNING FOOTSTEPS INTO ELECTRICITY! USING PIEZOELECTRIC TILES, EVERY STEP YOU TAKE GENERATES A SMALL AMOUNT OF ENERGY. MILLIONS OF STEPS TOGETHER CAN POWER LED LIGHTS AND DISPLAYS IN BUSY PLACES LIKE SHIBUYA STATION. A BRILLIANT WAY TO CREATE A SUSTAINABLE AND SMART CITY -- TURNING MOVEMENT INTO CLEAN, RENEWABLE ENERGY!

IN JAPAN, SPECIAL PIEZOELECTRIC CERAMIC TILES ARE USED TO CONVERT THE PRESSURE GENERATED BY PEOPLE’S FOOTSTEPS INTO ELECTRICITY. WHEN PEOPLE WALK ON THEM, THE TILES BEND, CREATING MECHANICAL STRESS, AND THE PIEZOELECTRIC MATERIAL CONVERTS THIS INTO ELECTRICAL ENERGY. PLACES LIKE SHIBUYA STATION CONTRIBUTE APPROXIMATELY 2.4 MILLION FOOTFALLS TO THE SYSTEM EVERY DAY. THE ENERGY GENERATED IN THIS WAY IS USED AS A POWER SOURCE FOR LED LIGHTING, DISPLAYS, AND SENSORS, AND IS VERY USEFUL FOR SUSTAINABLE ENERGY AND MODERN URBAN INFRASTRUCTURE. (SYNCOPATION)

STAFF EDITORIAL

Who took my diamonds and my emeralds?

Tiger unveils the mystery behind the thief on the TIGER Minecraft Server

The TIGER Newspaper Minecraft Server was founded on February 18, 2026. Beginnings were pure, as everyone in the world helped each other and lived under one roof, the Homeless Shelter. Eventually, as everyone grew up, people moved out, and tensions began to rise.

The members consisted of President Rafa Estolano-Sridharan, Justice Fairy Ruby Foudy, Department of War Isabella Jonasen, Founder/Jesus Leighton Kwok, Master Builder Helena Easterby, Chief Jester Ethan Kwok, Co-Jester Lanah Kim, President’s Secretary Emiko Essmiller, citizens Owen Hou and Gavin Bartolome, and foreigner Julia Chase.

On February 28, 2026, at 9:01 pm, a satchel of diamonds was stolen from Kwok’s chest. A week later, 12 emeralds were stolen from Jonasen, and nine netherite scraps were stolen from Chase. All players were asked to give testimony to Kwok about their opinions on who the thief/thieves may be. Essmiller, Chase, and Easterby refused to comment. Although at the time, Easterby stated she didn’t approve of stealing, thinking it was “embarrassing for them”. These are separate interviews combined.

Estolano-Sridharan: You know, it’s a mystery. I honestly have no idea who it could be. It could be multiple people, actually.

Bartolome: For this specific group, all players need to note that this is supposed to be a community, not one that’s supposed to eat itself from within, right? It could be multiple people, actually. Are you like a pastor? Could you be a pastor right now?

Hou: If I had to name one person, I would say Leighton. Because I think the root of evil is always where you least expect it. Maybe it’s a test on the realm of the server.

Kwak: First of all, Helena is a total menace, okay? She killed me simply because I corrected her spelling. She said that she was on her villain arc. She came over with an iron axe. I didn’t know iron axes did that much crit damage. Unfortunately, I died.

Although calling her a menace, Kwak claims he does not think Easterby is the thief.

Estolano-Sridharan: Perhaps the foreigner, Julia Chase, but she has been stolen from. I find it suspicious, to say the least. You know, she asked for deepslate, and then lo and behold, my deep slate was gone. I don’t know about that.

Jonasen: It might be Owen, because he’s a greedy mother****** and the first day he arrived, he went into the ****ing mines, and got a full stack of diamonds. That’s not normal. It’s not something that happens.

She then continued to accuse Owen of X-raying on the server. Hou: These (accusations) are treason of the highest kind. To not only accuse me of such a brazen insult, but also to insult my skill level. To not believe that I’m able to find this many diamonds in an hour. This is just plain upsetting.

Foudy: I have something to confess. Bobby, my younger brother (as her avatar), may have taken your (Kwok’s) diamonds when I was bedazzling my alarm clock. I didn’t find out until many days later. He begged me, saying, “You can’t tell them. They’ll never let you play.” He got into my head using fear tactics. It was very conflicting, so I just put them back in the chest, hoped it would blow over, and you’d find them.

Foudy: I can’t believe my brother would do this. I don’t even know how I can sit across from him at family dinner. The culprit was in my own home. He committed the crime right next to me, but I was too busy dazzling my alarm clock to notice.

Bartolome: I’d like to confess. I’ve stolen some emeralds from Bella.

Kwok: The only thing I’ve stolen was a stack of dirt from Ruby on the 4th day. I needed dirt for mining, and I didn’t want to spawn it out of good faith. I did return a new stack of dirt, though, later on.

Even though most is solved, the real question is: who stole Chase’s netherite scraps, and is Hou truly X-raying?

Boos & Bravos

BOO

Dr. House is a necessary evil

Despite the controversy surrounding SPHS’s new school nurse, Dr. House, he is essential to the health of the student body.

STORY WILSON, I too am in this newspaper ILLUSTRATION BATMAN, Yes, I CAN name 5 Robins & BOB DYLANANANAAAAAA, STATISTICS WHAT?!

After much ado, SPHS has welcomed a new school nurse: Dr. Gregory House, hailing from Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital in Princeton, New Jersey. The need for a new school nurse arrived after Dr. Robert Chase was fired following an incident of inappropriate (to say the least) behavior in the course of his duties. It was not the first and certainly not the last.

Fortunately, Dr. House is the brightest medical mind of his generation, but there is, however, a problem. House’s methods are unorthodox to say the least. To hear his critics say it, Dr. House is a pill-popping, antisocial narcissist, and that is putting it lightly. Since a blood clot in his leg killed muscle tissue, Dr House has indulged in his painkiller of choice, Vicodin, but there is a worry,

nay a certainty, that Dr. House has become dependent on his medication, which makes for what could be said to be a savory personality. This is a personality that has embroiled House in countless controversies.

Dr. House has brought on Dr James Wilson (he too is at this school), his close friend, as his assistant and confidant. But all is not as it seems with this relationship. It seems very possible that Wilson is more than a close friend. He is, perhaps, Dr. House’s lover. Not only is this a highly inappropriate power imbalance, but it is also dangerous. This passionate romance could cloud Dr. Wilson’s judgements, and there’s no telling how this will affect his advice on the matter of mild stomach aches and knee scrapes.

Speaking of aches and pains, a worrying trend has arisen: it seems that an innumerable number of freshmen

are walking out of House’s nursing office with a new prescription: Vicodin. On top of being flat-out dangerous and unnecessary, it’s created a bizarre trend among the class of 2029. More and more little gremlins are waltzing around the freshman quad, cane in one hand, Vicodin in the other, quipping about the stupidity of the human race.

Dr. House also costs a fortune. On top of being the highest paid member of SPHS staff, he has demanded the installation of a CT scan, and orders a full battery of tests for every one of his “patients.”

House is scary, House is dangerous, House is necessary? Dr. House might be a little… off-putting, but as previously stated, he is a great medical mind. He may treat every student with contempt, but that’s just the tough love they need to get better. SPHS’s vulnerable students are safe in the hands of Dr. House.

Yaoi vs. Yuri: A critical analysis

STORY MIKU, guys i might be gay & BUBBA GUMP, I’d rather be shrimping ILLUSTRATION TRIPLE T, IT’S TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR & KRILL, not so shrimple now

To Baku or to Deku? That is the question. Ever since mankind started writing stuff down, yaoi has followed suit. Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum, Alexander the Great and Hephaestion, and Achilles and Patroclus have captivated the mind for eons, proving the longevity of this sacred practice.

With the rise and fall of Stranger Things, Byler dominated the cultural zeitgeist. Soon hotpot and power outages became cultural symbols and popular date ideas for many chronically online kids who were devastated with the great shut down of AO3 (</3). Conformity gate gained steam partly of course to terrible writing, but also to the generational queer bait. (10 YEARS THATS HOW LONG IT TOOK FOR HIM TO SAY “NO, BEST FRIENDS”).

Over the summer, James Gunn’s Superman shined new light on a 75 year old ship. Superbat has gone through a renaissance. Bringing in new fans by combining David Cornsweat’s Superman and Robert Pattinson’s Batman, while playing with tropes like grumpy x sunshine and CEO x employee. Through new fanart, stories, and edits Superbat has cemented itself as the new superhero ship, and showing DCs new-found dominance over Marvel (RIP Stucky).

And finally as we begin to wrap up our tour around the mlm hall of fame, we come to the show every overly zealous white woman has been screaming about: Heated Rivalry. This show has fundamentally changed the way queer content has been created and consumed. The first ship on our list that is canon! This is the show that crashed gay bars and got women into hockey, a truly amazing feat!

Yaoi has dominated popular culture for centuries, but is famously known for its doomed aspect. Simple LEGO figures turned into the most beautiful, doomed romance you’ve ever seen with LEGO Batman and LEGO Joker. Best friends turned enemies in Gojo and Geto. Hollow purple? More like my hollow heart! Or we could journey to the lovely land of Wyoming, where cowboys herd on the slopes of Brokeback Mountain. Two lovers doomed by society’s expectation of men.

There is something to that last one. Society has a strong opinion on what ships are deemed decent or even valid. In reality shipping is first and foremost, for fun. Don’t take yourself too seriously! Have fun with characters that matter to you (just remember to touch grass once in a while). To the critics, people are having fun, and I can assure you it’s not that deep! The greatness in fandom lies with creative possibilities and the community that comes with it. So please, get reading and have fun!

Man, I looove office supplies! Anyways, where was I? Ah! The wondrous land of yuri! With Sappho from the island of Lesbos’s sapphic early women-loving works to generations of himejoshis, himedanshis, and other femslash enthusiasts writing fanfics on AO3, lesbian ships and stories are truly the backbone of our society. Yuri provides a real, authentic counterpart to the often fantastical, dream-like scenarios of yaoi. A sort of homosexual yin and yang, like the parallel between dreamers and doers. People lie, steal, cheat on, deceive, kidnap, abuse, gaslight, have normal-sized hands, actually date, and so much more in yuri, giving the genre a much more gritty, down-to-earth vibe.

Yuri ships also are much more diverse in their implementation, capturing far more dynamics than their masculine counterpart. Wholesome ships exist with the best-friends-to-lovers dynamic of Poison Ivy x Harley Quinn and the “destined soulmates” bond of Elphaba and Glinda, while in terms of something more complex and layered, ships like Villaneve or CaitVi might be more appropriate. There is truly no shortage of yuri for the waiter to serve, as the gay-women-media chefs of the world have truly cooked up a feast. And this is only the tip of the iceberg.

The specific term “yuri,” originated in Japan, and due to this, there are a treasure trove of tropes, dynamics, and stories to tell. Specifically within yuri romance novels, there are two primary tropes: tragic yuri and toxic yuri. And boy, are they an experience. In terms of a general description, reading a toxic yuri is like seeing a car crash, while reading a tragic yuri is the equivalent of being in that car crash. See, toxic yuri tends to embody a roller coaster of emotions and themes, and no matter how jarring or egregious it is, it makes it that much harder to look away (i.e. Netsuzou Trap, My Girlfriend’s Not Here Today, or citrus). Tragic yuri, on the other hand, is being in the front seat of a car and slowly seeing it crash, go up in flames, and eventually explode (i.e. Madoka Magica, Love Bullet, The Summer You Were There). The bottom line: both are absolutely amazing. Or absolutely traumatizing. At last, this jovial journey has come to an end. Whether you like your yaoi hot or your yuri cold, we all bleed red, pee yellow, and can agree on at least one thing: at least its not hetslop.

Also I’m going to now list every sapphic ship/relationship I can so everyone can yuri: JackieShauna (Yellowjackets), Toga x Uraraka (MHA), Bibi x Amy (I Love Amy), Mizi x Sua (Alienstage), Aviva x Koki (Wild Kratts), Luz x Amity (Owlhouse), Charlie x Vaggie

FEATURE

Sam Allen: The Man Behind the Myth

What is Sam Allen even about?

STORY BATMAN Yes, I CAN name 5 Robins

PHOTO ANSEL ADAMS Yosemite is my whole life!!!

Sam Allen. A name known to all. You surely have heard whispers in the halls of this mysterious “Sam Allen” character, but may not know why. You have most definitely seen his speech for Commisioner General. Everyone seems to have a relation to the man, or a story involving him, none of which are even slightly normal.

Still, Allen remains a mystery. Who is Sam Allen? What is Sam Allen? Why is Sam Allen? Tiger secured a sit-down interview with the ever-elusive man, in an attempt to answer these very ponders.

As I entered the room in which the interview was to be conducted (the SAC room, of course), it was apparent that Allen had already been aware of my presence.

He was seated on Mr. Shotwell’s chair, overlooking the room, and swiveled his head to face me. Allen revealed that he “had been expecting me” in a Bond-villan esqe manner. The line was not very intimidating, as I had emailed him about the interview in advance. Upon informing him of this, he simply responded: “You didn’t have to email me, I already knew.”

I will admit that I was a bit shaken after the unsettling greeting, but his ominous energy shifted once we began our conversation. Sam Allen is a peculiar fellow indeed. Despite the strange introduction, his demeanor appeared completely normal for the rest of the interview.

Throughout the course of our interview, he managed to bring up his Harry-Potter themed bedroom and solo backpacking trip across Spain a whopping five times. Each. None of my questions pertained to either of those subjects in the slightest.

Once I finally shifted the conversation to his cult-like following, he seemed completely oblivious as to why his personality had gained so much popularity

“Yeah, I’ve had a lot of cults based on me, it’s kind of a thing”, he said, “No clue why though. Say, have I told you about my trip to Spain?” Make that six times.

I walked out of the SAC room with about 50 Sam Allen campaign pins, some very obscure quotes, and absolutely no answers. The interview with Allen was fruitless, so I attempted to gather answers from some of his followers.

“Oh yeah. I love Sam”, said devotee Thomas, a ten-year old boy who knows Sam for some reason, “Sam the Man. Sam I Am. Zoo-Wee Mama, I love Sam.” The majority of the quotes I gathered followed this obscure nature.

“Sam is my muse. I have a picture of him up on my wall. And in my pocket. I got a lot of Sam pictures,” commented a very loyal and a little creepy Tiger photographer, Mac Shropshire.

Last, but certainly not least, was an extremely…insightful quote from the big man himself: Mr. Shotwell. “I think no one has a very firm grasp on who Sam really is,” Mr. Shotty elaborated, “He’s really just an enigma of sorts. I mean, I don’t even really know what his deal is!”

Shotwell said it best–Sam Allen is an impossible man to profile. Interviewing him directly only led to more confusion, and his followers were entirely incomprehensible.

It seems that anyone close to Allen is initiated into some kind of cult, and I was not interested in joining, so I ended my investigation there. It seems that Sam Allen will remain a mystery to us all.

Gym Bro

LITTLE MISS CHATTERBOX

Man loves Man (platonic), more MLM as in pyramid scheme than anything

Let’s get one thing out of the way: I am not a homosexual. I know that you crunchy-granola liberals love to make everything gay, so let’s start with that. I am a man’s man. Not in the sense that I belong to another man, because that’s super gay, but more so that I’m an alpha. I am a man for other men. (Again, not romantically. Stop making this weird.)

Now, try to contain the inner ooey-gooey Democrat (go pay taxes, loser). Jackson invited me over to watch hockey after we hit leg day on Thursday, and of course, I said yes: there’s nothing better for your spirit than spending time with your bro. I hate being around girls because it’s exhausting for an alpha male like me, but I can really kick back and relax with other men.

Anyway, I met Jackson at the gym on Thursday, and he’s really showing off his legs. I mean, he’s showing them off. He’s got on this tight little pair of shorts, and I think I might be jealous of his physique, because, kid you not, I could not look away. God, it’s so nice to see other strong men in a world consumed by baggy jeans and matcha. You’ve read A Room of One’s Own? I have a room for you, sicko: Los Angeles Men’s Central.

Jackson and I finish our workout, and then we’re off to watch hockey. Except, when we get there, Jackson opens HBO Max. I didn’t know they moved the NHL to Max. Sick. More chances to watch sports — my favorite part is when they take off their shirts, so I can see how my chest pump compares.

So I’m sitting there, and Jackson’s hand is on my thigh (gotta get a massage after a tough workout, man, that’s gym bro 101) and we’re watching this new channel called Heated Rivalry?

Long story short: Heated Rivalry is a fantastic exploration of masculinity. I mean, men used to hunt. If the only violence and competition we can find is in a rivalry with your bro, that’s perfectly healthy.

I tell Jackson about my thoughts: Look, this could help us become better gym partners. I’ll never know the touch of a woman, and that’s okay — I know the touch of a dumbbell. And Jackson, when he spots me, for safety. Seems like I have enough touches on my plate.

Now Jackson and I have a heated gym bro rivalry, which is good for testosterone levels all around. But we’re not, like, gay, or anything. We just sleep in the same bed and have a shared lease, for financial and also rivalry adjacent reasons. And, sure, yeah, we have a joint bank account. What of it? It’s for the gym! It’s all for the gym! Bring back men’s men! MLM forever. (Platonic, you lib sheep).

24 HOUR CHALLENGE IN THE TIGER ROOM GONE WRONG

What’s up Youtube! Today, Uma and I are sneaking into the Tiger room for 24 hours, but before we get started, don’t forget to smash that like button!!

STORY TWEEDLE DEE Are you mimicking me? & TWEEDLE DUM Are you mimicking me?

On Friday the 13, 2026, Uma and I (Ellie) snuck into the Tiger Room, so we could have a sleepover. Sneaking in was the easy part; we just hopped the gates on Diamond and ran inside. We were wearing black sweaters with sunglasses, hoods over our heads, so we were practically invisible. The hard part’s gotta be not getting caught.

We pushed the tables to the edges of the room and pulled the couch cushions to the floor. After constructing our fort, we wanted to watch a movie. Uma used her amazing hacking skills to connect to the projector, and we got cozy as she cued up 10 Things I Hate About You on Disney+. Just as we were about to watch, my stomach growled…and that’s when I realized. We didn’t have any snacks.

“Uma. We forgot the snacks!” I cried.

“Shoot, let’s go see if the cafeteria has anything good,” she responded.

After arguing about all the different ways we could get caught, we decided that we would rather risk it than watch a movie without snacks (which is arguably worse than detention).

We grabbed our hoodies and slowly opened the door. We figured no one was there since it was a Friday night, and what teachers are staying late on a Friday night?

We were incorrect. As we crept out of the classroom, we spotted the one and only Profe HB. Dun Dun Dun!!!!!! We could easily be caught, after all, Profe had the ability to see in the dark.

“Uma! What do we do?!?” I whispered, secretly, as we hid inside the jungle of bushes in front of the Tiger Room.

“Well, do you want snacks or not?” Uma replied.

After a short contemplation, we decided that the snacks were essential, and became the ninjas of the night. Uma and I would do whatever it took to get our snacks. After crawling on the concrete floor for almost ten minutes, we reached the door of the cafeteria.

“YeEeEeEeSsSsS!” Uma whispered a little too loudly, as she snickered, pulling the door open.

Laid out were many boxes of candy and bags of popcorn.

“JACKPOT!!!!” I very loudly yelled, at the same time Uma said, “So this is where the teachers hide all their snacks.”

Just then the door slammed open and there stood the miraculous Profe.

“My snackies!!” Profe said, running straight at us, before we could escape. Uma and I shrieked

“Security! Get them!” Profe said.

I grabbed as many bags of popcorn as I could while Uma went for the candy, and we dashed out of there. Not even waiting to get back to the room, I ripped open a bag of popcorn and started munching.

“ELLIE RUN! THERES NO TIME FOR SNACKS!” Uma told me.

She was literally opening the box of sour patch too. Hypocrite. Just then, we saw two security guards racing towards us. How are we ever going to get out of this?

I used my amazing distraction skills while Uma looked for the exit.

“OH LOOK A BIRD!” I said, pointing to the ceiling of the room. And ofc they looked straight up. My plan is working!!!!!!! I thought to myself

We BOLTED outta there, snacks in hand and our pride in the other. The guards quickly realized and started charging full speed towards us. We stared at them head-on and jumped out of the way just as they were about to hit us.

They ran smack into the wall, as we happily skipped back to the Tiger room, sour patch and popcorn trailing us as we went, and barricaded the door with the tables and chairs.

That night would forever be remembered, as we ended the night watching a total of 67 movies (in 2x speed, don’t you fret, we had the time).

School sports.....����������������

There’s no way they’re not a social experiment...

ARTÍCULO MADDIE, Bam what & KISS ME I’M IRISH!, If you insist ILUSTRACIÓN LOLA DOGGIE

It is no secret that football is the most popular sport to watch at SPHS. With bleachers spilling over with the volume of students, parents, and teachers that come to support. But now we ask, why? Tiger is determined to prove that football, among many other sports, is a social experiment. Put a bunch of hormonal teenage boys and encourage them to tackle each other for a leather ball, then advertise them as the hot-high-school-jocks in every movie since the 2000s. Next, they get cheerleaders to hype up the crowd and support them as they make monumental 10-yard runs. Who wouldn’t want to watch that? Football games feel more like a social obligation, and a majority of the crowd is more interested in taking pictures and gossiping with their friends than the sport itself, especially while watching our Division Twelve team. Yay, they won the league again!

However, football is nothing compared to badminton. On a brisk Tuesday afternoon, students can come to the high school track and stadium to watch SPHS’s badminton team warm up. Their warm-up is no joke; they run a mile at a speedy five-minute pace before hitting abs. After all, abs are the most important part of hitting a birdie with a fake tennis racket above a fake volleyball net in a basketball gym for 3 hours.

Our team has extensive training and conditioning to keep up their division one status. Some may say that badminton is an “easy sport,” and some may not even call it a sport at all, but Tiger has the answer. Through extensive research, we have discovered that badminton is, in fact, a social experiment. Far too many freshmen and sophomores have joined the team to get out of PE, not realizing the rigor that it comes with. The games last over five hours and are hypercompetitive. Due to its nicheness and performative qualities, it is clear that this sport only exists for it’s players to get out of P.E and to see their friends’ faces cringe when they say they are on varsity badminton.

Yes, football and badminton are indeed intriguing sports, but they barely hold a candle to track and cross-country. Distance runners are super special and are very different from your average student athlete. They can be spotted running around town during all four seasons of the year. They run miles and miles one day, only to come back the next and run more.

Their favorite workout, “Debs” begins with a warm up of running to a park 2 miles away before a however many-mile run around the park, not to mention running back through hills. The workout is 7 miles MINIMUM. If finding someone, much less an entire team, that willingly does that isn’t a social experiment, I don’t know what is. Then they get to run back to school to hit the weight room. You might think that spending so much time in the weight room means

that they’re super buff; however, this is far from the truth. Strong, yes, buff, absolutely not.

After looking more into the sport, Tiger noticed that the longest race they compete in is only 5k, so why run more than that a day? Some say for strength or recovery, but everyone knows it’s to brag.

“Yeah, I just did thirteen miles, the pace was pretty slow, like six-fourty.”

Footraces are widely known as the first Olympic sport. It is also a thing you do in elementary school. Racing your classmates to see who’s the fastest was extremely common on the playground. Few continue on, not realizing it doesn’t hold the same honor when you are 17.

When watching the Olympics, you may notice how in sync many of the sprinters are. Even to a non-runner, their form stands out. Distance runners, on the other hand, are given a lot of grace in this department. While sprinters get yelled at for leaning too far back or being too “toey” (whatever that means), distance runners rush through frankly absurd drills that seem to be an opportunity to chat with friends, rather than work on proper form.

But, at the end of the day, no matter how questionable these sports are, even playing badminton is more athletic than typing away at articles in an air-conditioned classroom.

Tigers crush the Titans!! (and a photographer)

ARTÍCULO MY DMS ARE OPEN, Chat is this rizz? & ANSEL ADAMS, Yosemite is my whole life!!! FOTO JP, answer my calls

During the third quarter of the most recent football game, the Tigers were tied at 21 with the infamous San Marino Titans. Tensions on the field were building. The South Pasadena Tigers and the Titans were locked in a grueling 21-21 tied game. The crowd, which moments earlier had been captivated by Sam Allen’s solo rendition of “Mask” by Dream, was utterly consumed by the game.

After long, unsuccessful attempts at gaining leads from both teams, the Titans attempted a risky pass play near the end of the fourth quarter, and the Tigers pivoted and demonstrated proper defensive strategy. Running back Trey Freking read the ball’s trajectory perfectly and leaped in the air to intercept the ball. He tucked it tight to his body, dodging San Marino’s offensive players’ attempts at defensive playing and sprinted toward the end zone, crossing the line for a go-ahead touchdown that caused the home crowd to erupt.

However, the celebration turned to horror in an instant. Carrying too much speed and momentum, Freking ran too far past the endzone and slammed into Mac Shropshire, a photographer for the South Pasadena High School Paper. The collision was violent and fast, causing Shropshire to lose consciousness instantly.

Both the home and away crowd fell silent as Mac lay unconscious and lifeless. Soon after, paramedics rushed onto the field and tried their best to bring the young photographer back to life. Alas, their efforts were futile as photographers’ consciousnesses and souls are tied to their cameras, which Mac’s had been crushed.

When asked about the incident, Freking mumbled a response about how they had won the game. YES THEY DID!!!!! And boy was it a close one!

A month later, SPHS held a memorial for Mac in the form of an assembly, planned by Trey Freking’s bestest friend, Baron Shroff. A highlight of the assembly was when Baron pulled out an Ouija board to speak to Mac.

©Tiger

Shropshire was interviewed, saying, “I died doing what I loved, being crushed.”

By the end of the ceremony, after no public appearance since the tragic event, Trey Freking came out and gave a Logan Paul-esque apology. He said with much emotion, “Sorry guys, but hey WE WON THO!” and the crowd erupted just like they did at the stupendous game versus San Marino.

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TOMFOOLERY

Jousting finally comes to SPHS!

In addition to replacing football, joust-offs will be incorporated into peer mediators.

STORY BATMAN, Yes, I CAN name 5 Robins ILLUSTRATION MY DMS ARE OPEN, Chat is this rizz?

A fter much anticipation, the jousting team has finally come to SPHS! The Medieval Jousting Club has been pushing this matter for centuries, and their efforts have at last come to fruition. Jousting is a time-honored tradition practiced since the Middle Ages, and is definitely making a comeback.

Word has come in that, in place of football, Friday night lights will now be a viewing of authentic medieval-style jousting. This not only entails heckling and jeers from the crowd, but also historically accurate turkey legs sold for only three silver coins. Huzzah! SPHS’s football team has some great athletes, sure, but what’s more athletic than riding a horse and poking at each other with lengthy swords? Not a lot!

There is some concern from parents and administration about the safety of the jousting, but the newly appointed jouster coach, Sir Richards II, assures that it is completely harmless: “I cannot

think of anything safer than riding a horse and stabbing someone with a long sword.”

place on the football field, so that everyone can view them!

Viewing of the jousts will be accessible to the entire student population, and word from ASB is that the student sections will have medieval themes. However, there was some controversy over the proposed peasant theme, as many thought it to be insensitive. The Medieval Jousting Club and ASB have not yet released statements regarding this matter.

Self-proclaimed peasant Edwin did, however, feel very strongly: “This is incredibly distasteful”, Edwin said, “My life is not to be larped. This is not what Joan of Arc died for.”

Funnily enough, this is the exact predicament jousting is good for! The first jouste-off shall be between Edwin and a lucky ASB representative (most likely Sam Allen) next Friday at 7:00 PM. The student section theme is Prince vs. Pauper. Huzzah!

Curling: 8/10 I would curl

• Lowkenuinly I can’t work my dominant hand that quickly.

You ever try and roll with one…? Try it, it’s fun I swear :)

and

•

and I

it

We absolutely cooked and became world stars before I suffered a severe hemorrhage and had to retire.

a featherweight champion.

• The turbo equivalent of modern sprinting

• Several broken bones and a lifetime worth of aura loss, and I’m finally out of the hospital…

• Channeling into the speedforce I achieved levels of speed you’ve never seen and finished my mile in 45 minutes. Oh yeah!

• Hazardous amounts of copium have opened my left atrium and I am now spazzing out

Swimming: wet socks/10 :D Guys lwk I drank a super-serum and tmnt-ed my way into a fish because bernoulli’s equation doesn’t got **** on the aerodynamics of a tuna

• Los Wild Kratts se transforman en peces.

• I sort of can’t be turned back, and am now stuck at the bottom of the pool