The student newspaper of Snevets Institute of Technology, and creator of Attila the Duck. www.thest*te.com TikTok @thest*te Instagram @thest*te facebook.com/stevensthest*te
Disclaimer: the contents of this edition are satire read at your own risk oooo spooky
VOLUME CXX No. 21
BOHOKEN, NJ | MARCH 31, 2023
NEW ST*TE EVERY FRIDAY • EST. A WHILE AGO
Removal of elevators from residential towers!
The St*te goes broke, to be replaced by Stupe
by katie bloomer, staf righter
by sanjana madhu, washed up eic
As many of you know, Snevets had to end the physical education requirement last year due to lack of funding. Apparently PE teachers were charging extra because they had to drag some students out of their rooms to get them to participate. That costs an extra $5 per person. Unfortunately, Snevets can’t afford that price increase because the majority of our tuition money goes towards the rubber ducks they give out at events. President Narfarvar remembered hearing complaints about the elevators in the new residential towers always being broken and has decided to kill two ducks with one stone by removing the elevators altogether! Now Snevets doesn’t need to pay for repairs or hire PE teachers. Unfortunately, the stairs are still not available due to the gates that the school refuses to unlock, so students must climb a ladder that is located in the chute where the elevators used to be. This
decision to turn the water main break into a new water park was a creative solution that would benefit the community. “We know that Bohoken residents love our parks and outdoor spaces,” Rhalla said in a statement. “The water main break on Observer Highway presented us with a unique opportunity to
The St*te has long been a highly esteemed student publication, tasked with the difficult yet necessary duty of recording the history of Snevets Institute of Technology. For over a century now, reporters have spent countless hours, wasting their hours in The St*te office, covering controversial stories, and disseminating campus news to the Snevets community. With a heavy heart, I report to you today that The St*te will no longer be publishing issues as a consequence of being severely broke. Now, what was the cause of this bankruptcy? In a public statement, The St*te said, “The St*te has long operated with the aid of the Student Government Association. Even with their support, we have insufficient funds due to the inflated prices of our publisher.” While this statement is true, what The St*te has failed to mention is precisely why the organization no longer has any money. In the big-
SEE PARK PAGE 2
SEE BROKE PAGE 2
SEE PE PAGE 2
graphic courtesy of ava wang
Press release: Bohoken water main break sparks inspiration for new water park by nicole giardino, layout wizard Bohoken has long been known for its busy streets, historic architecture, and stunning views of the NYC Skyline. However, the city has faced its fair share of challenges when it comes to its infrastructure — particularly its water mains. A water main break on Observer Highway recently
made negative headlines, but the city has decided to turn this setback into an opportunity by creating a new water park! The initial water main break occurred on Monday, February 7, and caused significant damage to the roadway and surrounding area. The cause of the break was determined to be a subcontractor working for PSE&G
D4 project gone wrong: Fire alarm new sun created testing homemade Doctor Octoby erin mcgee, pus arms. Onlookers re- everyday mad scientist port hearing him yell: “I With finals on the have the power of the sun this week horizon, it’s going to be a mad dash to the finish with projects, unfinished homework, and tests. One such project, for Engineering Design 4 (D4), conducted by a group of sophomores in the basement of Burchard, accidentally created a new sun this week. While no one knows how exactly this disaster was started, the St*te has some eyewitness reports of the incident. One professor expressed concerns about the new sun, but noted that it was not the worst thing that had happened in D4, and then refused to comment further. The group in question also told the St*te that they only had an 80% error for the lab, which they handed in as “good enough”. Our beloved Burchard building was also melted to the ground, but officials from Snevets commented that it was “not a huge loss ngl”. To make matters worse, reports flooded in soon after the incident of one sophomore who could be seen standing on the Burchard roof, wearing what appeared to be
NEXT WEEK'S WEATHER FORECAST Friday, March 31
in the palm of my hand!” Scientists report that the results on the environment are mixed. One study suggested that the second sun will be phenomenal for solar power efficiency, while another indicates that it will be catastrophic for climate change, essentially ending the world and humanity as a whole. RIP. When asked about the new arrangement for our solar system, Stevens students had some interesting opinions. “It’s like Tatooine!”, reported one excited freshman. University officials also saw the bright side (get it?) of this issue. “Stevens might not have had a Nobel Prize winner in almost 100 years,” commented one administrator, “but we’ve definitely made a larger mark on the solar system than any other research university.” As Stevens, and Earth, moves into its new, short era of two suns, this event has clearly shone a light on D4. No matter watt (get it?) your opinions, we hope this new sun brightens your day.
who “accidentally” struck the water main while performing “maintenance work”. While the incident caused inconvenience and disruption for residents and businesses in the area, the city saw an opportunity to turn the situation around and create a new attraction for visitors and locals alike. According to Bohoken Mayor, Shmavi Rhalla, the
Castle Point Commencement speaker selected! gate seen on Storage Ice Spice snubbed sophical questions like “You by kayden cannoli, Wars thought I was feelin’ you?” the janitor
by tanya avadia, the negotiator
by quentin jimenez, lab rat
The safety of students is very important at Snevets. For this reason, it has been decided that for the safety of all students living on campus, all the fire alarms will be tested throughout the course of the following week. The schedule that the fire alarm testing will following is: 1st test at 5:00 a.m. 2nd test at 5:41 a.m. 3rd test at 6:13 a.m. Working together with the Bohoken Fire Department, the Snevets administration decided that because there are so many fire alarms in each residential building, they will choose a random residential hall everyday at the designated time to test. For this reason it is recommended that all students living on campus be prepared to evacuate the building each day between the times of 5:00 a.m. to 6:13 a.m. This means that those who are not early birds: be pre-
A Snevets Institute of Technology relic was spotted on a recent episode of Storage Wars, leaving many students wondering if it would ever make a return, and even more confused about what it is in the first place. In an episode from earlier this year, the show was visiting a local Jersey City self storage facility when during the auctioning of a particular unit, one of the bidders noticed something strange in the back of the garage, a bunch of old castle bricks and a sign labeled “Welcome to Snevets Institute of Technology.” After paying almost $4200 for the locker, and unable to check the interior prior to the auction, the new owners were anxious to get inside and see what the bricks were. To their surprise, the back of the unit contained more than 30 crates full of old bricks, along with an I.O.U. labeled “I owe you one gatehouse - Nar-
SEE FIRE PAGE 2
SEE GATE PAGE 2
The commencement speaker for the Class of 2023 has been selected, and The Stupe was able to gain insider information on the potential candidates. After a competitive selection process, it was decided that NJ Governor Bill Murphie would be the Commencement Speaker instead of the runner-up: rap legend and laureate Ice Spice. This comes as a major disappointment to students who really connect with her eloquent lyricism, evidenced by her chart-topping singles like “In Ha Mood,” which peaked at 69 on the Canadian Hot 100 (nice). Dr. Rev. Spice inspires students with thought-provoking philo-
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and “How can I lose if I’m already chose?” which obviously resonate with the student body and address the issues that students care most about. “As a member of the Spice Cabinet, I was really disappointed in Snevets. Ice Spice is the greatest mind of this generation,” said Syd Phillips, a member of the SGA Cabinet. It’s unfortunate Lt. Colonel Spice was not given the honor, as she was additionally snubbed for the Grammys, and Nobel and Pulitzer Prizes, but ultimately Governor Murphie had greater availability compared to the busy rap superstar. When asked about the controversy, Murphie responded: “I have no idea who that is.”