The student newspaper of Snevets Institute of Technology, and creator of Attila the Duck. www.thest*te.com TikTok @thest*te Instagram @thest*te facebook.com/stevensthest*te
Disclaimer: the content of this edition are satire or is it???
VOLUME CXXIII No. 21
BOHOKEN, NJ | April 6, 2026
NEW ST*TE EVERY FRIDAY • EST. A WHILE AGO
Snevets to 3D print Davis Tower by byran mahoney, stuper
Snevets once again bans fun! by jack macdonnell, stuper The warning signs have been showing up for a while, but it has now been made official. Snevets has officially put a ban on fun. In response to student grades and productivity being lower than desired, the university has decided to take a new approach to increasing work ethic. After conducting much research, university officials have discovered that students spend a disconcert-
ing amount of time doing things like “hanging out” or “having fun”... and other weird things like “smiling.” Having fun has proven to be too brain-stimulating, so when students resume their schoolwork, they often find it too unengaging or boring. To remedy this, all fun activities are to be prohibited, so that students won’t have anything else to do but their work. Friends, video games, sports, clubs — all these frivolous things are given countless hours that could
GRAPHIC COURTESY OF BRADY SANSOTTA
instead be spent on doing school work. Thus, new initiatives are being put in place to prevent these activities and encourage students to spend more time on what actually matters. Any activities that bring positive emotions are to be promptly shut down and put to a stop. If it causes your lips to do that weird thing where they curve up, it will be categorized as a Smiling or Happiness Infraction Transgression (SHIT). Punishments for being caught doing SHIT
will result in the student being sentenced to public stoning. Major changes that will go into effect are as follows: • Students attend class exhausted too frequently, so a mandatory bedtime at 9 p.m. will be enforced campus-wide • There will be electric fences installed around all Schaefer lawns to prevent people from playing spikeball or hav-
SEE FUN PAGE 2
In a surprising turn of events, Snevets Institute of Technology has elected against building the new Davis Tower through conventional construction methods and has instead decided to use a brand new state-of-the-art 3D printer to create the new Davis Tower. First, though, a recap on what the Davis Tower is. If you haven’t heard, there have been plans at Snevets to demolish the old Davis Hall and replace it with a brand new building, which will not only host dorms, but also classrooms and labs. While Dave’s Hall has served admirably for over 60 years and was renovated in 2018, it has shown its age in recent years. Not only will a new building with modern amenities take its place, but it will also greatly expand the amount of housing, classrooms, and labs on campus. Other aging dorms should watch out… Crusty Point Hall. However, the plans to replace Dave’s Hall are old news. What is making the rounds this time is the method of construction Stevens is going to use in creating the new Davis Tower. In a giant, stateof-the-art, 3D printer
Atilla found in the Epstein files by josh bodenstein, stuper Snevets mascot, Atilla the Duck, appears to be named in the recently released Epstein files, according to documents reviewed by The St*te last Tuesday. The reference, buried deep within the released records, contains an entry that sources familiar with the documents described as clearly resembling the Snevets mascot. The nature of the connection remains unclear, and no photographs, financial records, or travel logs linked to Atilla have surfaced in the files — a fact that investigators note is either reassuring or simply indicative of how carefully the matter was handled. Legal analysts contacted by The St*te described the situation as “unprecedented,” though several acknowledged they had not previously been retained to assess the criminal exposure of a duck, and at least one admitted they weren’t sure ducks could hold a passport. One attorney, speaking on condition of anonymity, said only: “I went to law school for this?” The documents do not establish any explicit relationship between Atilla and the individuals NEWZ (1-2)
Something important.... Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Suspendisse magna leo, aliquet quis pharetra non. FEATURES ( . )( . )
A whole bunch of nonsense Actually some of the funniest articles you’ll ever read. Be prepared to laugh out loud.
named elsewhere in the files. Experts say this is technically the best possible outcome and that they would like to stop being called about it. Snevets’ administration has not issued a public statement in response to the discovery. Sources indicate the past week has been, in their words, “genuinely horrible.” The university has reportedly convened the Ad-hoc Subcommittee Scrutinizing Highly Odd Legal Exposures— or ASSHOLE —to assess the implications of a sitting mascot appearing in federal documents. The subcommittee’s first scheduled meeting was delayed when members spent 40 minutes debating whether its own name constituted a Title IX violation, before concluding that it probably did but that no one wanted to be the one to bring it up. A second meeting was then delayed because three of the five members were also on the Anti-Serotonin Squadron (ASS) committee (see “Stevens Bans Fun”), resulting in a scheduling conflict. A third meeting has been tentatively set for late April, pending the procurement of a quorum, a room booking that doesn’t overlap with the Furry Club, and
emotional support resources for all parties involved. Atilla has not appeared at any recent sporting events or prospective student tours since the story broke, leaving a noticeable gap in the Snevets gameday experience. Tour guides have continued to reference him by name, though the context has become somewhat more complicated. His absence has extended to Snevets’ online presence as well — across every official Snevets Instagram account, Atilla has not been seen in a single post since the story emerged. For a mascot whose entire job is to be visible, cheerful, and publicly associated with the university, the silence is striking. The situation marks the most significant disappearance in Snevets mascot history, which admittedly is a category with little prior competition, since the previous record was set in 2014, when Atilla was briefly reported missing during movein weekend before being found inside a freshman’s mini fridge. No explanation was ever provided by either party. Adding to the mounting concern, Pierce Din-
SEE ATILLA PAGE 2
’T N O
OPINION (9-11)
People with facts These are totally normal opinion columns where opinionated people say opinionated things based on their opinions. PUZZLE PAGE (12)
Everyone’s favorite section you have to read the rest of the stupe before you skip to this sections. we will know if you just skip to the back
D
DON’T SCAN THIS YOU’LL REGRET IT LAST WARNING
that goes up 50 stories and can produce structures up to 1million square feet, the new Davis Tower will be created. Located in New Brunswick, NJ, the printer was originally developed as a collaborative research project between Johnson & Johnson and Rutgers University. While they intended to mass-produce artificial organs to be used in organ transplants, they quickly realized that mass-producing organs meant to be sterilized out in the open air was a bad idea. To account for this, they soon switched the focus of their 3D printer from mass printing organs to printing out whole buildings. The 3D printer can create everything the building needs in one go. The frame of the building is printed first, followed by the wiring and pipes. Then, everything the building needs to function, in this case, looking at the new Davis Tower, is printed. Whether it is the furniture for dorms, desks for classrooms, or lab equipment for the labs, it is all quickly and efficiently printed with the least amount of pollution caused. Finally, the finishing touches, including the walls, doors, floors, ceilings, and anything else the
SEE DAVIS PAGE 2