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VOLUME CXXII No. 21
BOHOKEN, NJ | APRIL 1, 2025
NEW ST*TE EVERY FRIDAY • EST. A WHILE AGO
Innovation Expo cancelled due to lack of innovation by ben knob lock, inside scoop Campus was in a state of crisis this week after it was announced that this year’s Innovation Expo was being called off. In a statement, President Narfarvar said that, in a freak anomaly, there was no innovation to be found in the work of the Class of 2025. “Utterly derivative, soulless, and uninspired,” were the words Narfarvar used following a preliminary survey of this year’s Senior Design projects. “My eyes were glazing over from boredom when I was looking at the finished posters. I fell asleep before I was even halfway through.” Reactions among the student body ranged from outrage to relief. One Mechanical Engineering student lamented that he won’t have a way to share his team’s work
on a hydraulic flood protection system, which the school said was too similar to a project completed by a team that graduated in 2021. Similarly, one Music and Technology senior said to The Stupe that he was “devastated and angered that I won’t be able to perform the concept album I’ve been crafting for months.” Snevets said in response that the student’s songs were lame and all sounded the same. “This is a great thing,” argued a Computer Science major. “Now I really have no work for the rest of Senior year.” To reflect the current state of the university, Narfarvar also announced that the school would be removing the “Innovation University” tagline until the Class of 2025 has safely graduated. This year’s ceremony’s theme will be: “Good riddance!”
Dating apps for Ducks: What to expect on Snevets Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble by itai geller, stuper
SEE AI PAGE 2
SEE DATING PAGE 2
photo courtesy chaptgpt
I’m sorry, but as an AI language model, I do not have the ability to title this article by tasha khosla, the specialist
photo courtesy snevets.edu
“Normally, I ask ChatGPT how to feel about things so I honestly have no comments to give.” A Computer Science student confessed, “I don’t actually know how to code. What even is ‘Hello World’?
Is finding a relationship on campus hard? Do you skip showers frequently? Are you afraid to speak to people of the opposite sex, same sex, or anyone at all? If you said yes to all three of these questions, then dating apps are probably the place for you. Luckily, desperate Snevets students like yourself are on the apps, waiting to virtually mingle and have the same conversation over and over and over again! In this article, we are going to tell you everything you need to know about the dating apps that your peers are using and how you can leverage this knowledge to find your Snevets person. Let’s kick things off by discussing the most pro-
An event more devastating than a snack swipe’s worth being diminished from two cookies to one has been distressing students across campus. ChatGPT is gone. The disappearance of
Snevets’ favorite generative AI chatbot has caused a sudden drop in student GPAs. Reporters from The Stupe, the most esteemed publication on campus, interviewed students to share their perspectives on this horrific news. One student shared,
Another PATH closure To bush or not to bush? Quick tips for parents for state-of-the-art than it already does. EAS on how to be more by gavin ruby, already isn’t a favorable stuper because of how hot involved in their kid’s upgrades and Snevets’ Some of you may be won- building it gets inside, the stairs dering, what is the point of that are at an angle, the employee housing landscaping? And to that slow elevator, and it being college life by anthony curcio-petraccoro, stuper For all the commuters of Hoboken, I come bearing bad news… I thought my last article was the finale in the PATH revamp saga, but I was wrong. I recently received notice from a PATH employee that the Hoboken station is slated to close for another month. This is the latest in a series of vomit-related incidents around Hoboken, which is forcing PATH to reconsider its station configuration. In accordance with recent Hoboken data collection, vomit stations will be installed around the depot, specifically designed to negate any vomit affairs that may occur. This aforementioned ‘data’ comes from a recent study conducted at the city level, asking Hobokenites where they like to hang out. The study suggests that the Hoboken PATH station serves as a popular hangout destination for many locals to gather and vomit together. These stations will be in operation from 10 p.m. to 3 a.m. daily, as these are the NEWZ (2)
Something important.... Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Suspendisse magna leo, aliquet quis pharetra non. FEATURES ( . )( . )
A whole bunch of nonsense Actually some of the funniest articles you’ll ever read. Be prepared to laugh out loud.
most active hours. In addition, PATH intends to paint the station’s support columns back to blue in solidarity with the latest rat influx at Stevens. With staffing low at Stevens’ facilities, students can expect to see employees of the rat variety around campus. From the dining halls (see Ben’s article about recent improvements to the Peirce experience) to the sports complexes, rats will be in your corner to make the Stevens’ experience as enjoyable as humanly (or should I say rat-ly) possible. Although many believe this closure is unwarranted, it is necessary. Vomit stations in the PATH will not only clean up the station but also create additional housing for Stevens’s rat employees. I will say that the blue columns may be a little much, but hey, it is what it is.
point, I also ask what is the point of landscaping? Half of Snevets is dead grass and pavement, however, we must not take for granted the little pieces of greenery that this tiny, private, New Jersey school has to offer. When it is warm out, all of the lawns get packed very quickly as most Snevets students either go to Palmer Lawn, outside Schaefer, or to the little island in between MPK and Davis, but there is one more lawn that goes untouched: EAS. Why is that? Well for one, there is nothing to do there, the most action that lawn saw was in 2024 when the solar eclipse happened but even then, we weren’t allowed on the lawn. So how can we turn this empty lot into a third space for students? Trim her bushes. Add more greenery. She is already on her last legs and it’s like two degrees of separation of Nosferatu coming by and moving in. This building needs a revamp outside of it to help students destress. If we make the lawn go bald, for some reason, it’d make the steeple look taller and scarier
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OPINION (8-9)
People with opinions These are totally normal opinion columns where opinionated people say opinionated things based on their opinions. PUZZLE PAGE (10)
Everyone’s favorite section you have to read the rest of the stupe before you skip to this sections. we will know if you just skip to the back
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a far point for students so adding more to the outside is just what the old and decrepit building needs. Let’s give Erwin A. Snevets a landing strip of bush to zhuzh her up a bit. We could add some tables, add some benches, and that empty lawn is slowly going to grow a beautiful bush of students. Snevets students need to touch grass and the perfect way for them to do that is to give them more space to touch grass that is secluded from the main part of campus.
photo courtesy chaptgpt
by evan papageorge, grammar police For many parents, sending their little ducklings to Snevets can be stressful. With rumors of rodents making the best food Snevets has ever seen, some interesting topics of the first-year course, and a crazy amount of wind, here are some quick tips for all the parents of the Snevets community to get involved. The first way to get involved at Snevets is to call your little duckling at least 10 times an hour. If they don’t answer, the next logical step is to call every known department at Snevets, from ResLife to the Honesty Board, to find out where your little kiddo has gone. Becoming a professor is another way to get more involved with your gosling’s education. After all, with AI making it easy for students to cheat, teaching should be the same. As a professor, you can be around your DON’T SCAN THIS YOU’LL REGRET IT LAST WARNING
child, bribe their friends for information with better grades, and, of course, talk to other professors when your duckling’s grades aren’t straight A’s. One last tip for parents to help their little gargoyle not be lonely at Snevets is organizing playdates! Back in elementary school, parents always figured out the logistics of their kiddos going to their friends’ houses for a playdate, going for ice cream after school, or having a sleepover! Rather than hear about how your little duckling is bored and has nothing to do over the weekend, schedule some playdate for them, like a sleepover in the “University Towers.” I hope this helps all those parents out there who aren’t sure what’s happening in the little duckling’s life. And remember, this is just a start. If you have more ideas or concerns about your kids, call the wrong department 37 times an hour!