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Debate over professor’s favourite escalates into clash between students
Baddie B, staff
A first-year philosophy course at the U of M has become the site of an unusual incident after a long-running dispute between two students over who is their professor’s favourite escalated into a physical altercation during class time.
The incident, which occurred earlier this week, involved third-year anthropology student Nadyia Karmi and fourth-year mechanical engineering student Eman Ismeal, whose ongoing disagreement took a serious turn.
According to students present, tensions had been built throughout the term with both Karmi and Ismeal frequently referencing the topic during discussions.
Angi Klova, a student in the course, explained that “it started as a joke, but it kept coming up, and eventually it stopped feeling like a joke.”
Karmi explained that her position was based on what she described as consistent intellectual engagement with the professor.
“It’s not about obvious
praise,” Karmi said. “It’s about whose ideas are taken seriously and expanded upon.”
Ismeal, however, said the evidence was much clearer and based on direct interactions in class.
“He responds to me more, and is more receptive to what I say,” Ismeal said. “That’s not something you have to overanalyze.”
Klova explained that the situation escalated during a recent seminar discussion when the topic of favouritism was raised again, despite the class focusing on course material.
“They started arguing back and forth like usual,” Klova said. “Then it got louder, and neither of them would drop it.”
The confrontation became physical after both students began speaking over each other and standing up on the table during the exchange.
“It happened really quickly,” Klova explained. “One of them bumped into the other, and then they were really pushing each other.”
Classmates and the
instructor intervened shortly after, separating the two before the situation escalated further.
Professor Spider Man, who teaches the course, declined to comment on the specifics of the incident but emphasized the importance of maintaining a respectful classroom environment.
“The classroom is a space for discussion, not conflict,” Man said. “Students are expected to engage with ideas in a constructive manner.”
Both Karmi and Ismeal acknowledged that the situation escalated but continued their respective positions regarding the original dispute.
“I think things got out of hand,” Karmi said. “But that doesn’t change the underlying point.”
Ismeal agreed that the altercation was not intentional but said it reflected the ongoing frustration surrounding the issue.
“It wasn’t supposed to happen,” Ismeal explained. “But it shows how seriously this has been taken.”
Klova said the incident
shifted the overall atmosphere of the seminar, making it more difficult to focus on course material.
“It’s hard to go back to normal discussions after that,” Klova said. “There’s definitely some tension now.”
Others expressed concern about how the situation might affect the remainder of the term, particularly with final assignments approaching.
“We still have to finish the course,” Klova said. “I think everyone just wants to settle down.”
The university has not indicated whether any formal action will be taken following the incident. However, students said they hope the situation will be resolved moving forward.
With final papers due in the coming weeks, several classmates said their priority is completing the course without further disruption.
“I don’t even care who the favourite is anymore,” Klova sad. “I just want to get through the rest of the semester.”
U of M logo to replace bison with Canada goose
Because when was the last time you saw a bison here?
J. Jonah Jameson, staff
The U of M’s official logo is going to look a little different next year. Following extensive focus testing and community surveys, the bison on the U of M official logo will be replaced with a Canada goose in early 2027.
Darwin Picture, U of M director of marketing, shared that the change will “better reflect the […] lived experience of [U of M] students. Canada geese are a constant presence in students’ lives, and we wanted to call back to that.”
The previous logo, featuring a bison, centered around ideas of “strength, leadership and determination.” While the new animal front and centre is not exactly known for these qualities, Picture shared that the research team that picked the goose looked to the bird’s traits of community, care and intimidation.
“[Canada geese] are known to be highly territorial of their nests, which most of the U of M community is aware of. A closer examination of this behaviour, however, invites us to reflect on how we care
for the people closest to us […] we want U of M students to be known as fierce protectors of their loved ones.”
Picture also explained that the birds’ omnipresence on campus is a mentality the university wishes to encourage.
“The U of M is understood to be a commuter school […] We want to show students that they can always find a nice corner full of dried leaves, a patch of grass or even the middle of the sidewalk as spaces they can exist in.”
Intimidation is another trait that the marketing department would like the “flock” to embody. “We want U of M students and faculty to strike fear in the hearts of others,” explained Picture. “Intimidation in every field is the goal, and we hope ‘the Geese’ can dominate whatever field they set out in […] research, cutting-edge technology, whatever.”
As for the future of the U of M’s sports teams, Billy the Bison’s retirement is on the horizon. “We’re workshopping some various mascot looks,” shared Picture. “There’s truly
nothing scarier than walking down the sidewalk and a Canada goose begins to flap its wings and hiss […] It’s something that we need to consider, the potential mechanizing of the mascot suit.” In the interim, the marketing team is considering hiring an authentic goose as a mascot. “They’re there anyway, we may as well welcome them on the field,” stated Picture.
This change also comes following the marketing department’s assessment of animal life the U of M community regularly interacts with. Today, bison sightings are limited to only a handful of locations, with the once-sprawling population largely reduced on university-owned property. When asked about their role in the diminishing of the bison population, the university and marketing department declined to comment.
The U of M marketing team is still seeking student input. You can share your thoughts via their survey tinyurl.com/ veryrealUMsurvey.
PHOTO BY DEE Z / STAFF
GRAPHIC BY LADY EMERSON VON / STAFF
Four seasons in one day hit Winnipeg
U of M students face sun, rain, snow and wind within hours
Lebeau Gars, staff
tudents at the U of M
S
were left stunned on March 31 after experiencing what meteorologists are now calling “a full annual cycle […] compressed into roughly three hours.”
The day began innocently enough, with clear skies and a gentle spring breeze. By noon, however, conditions had shifted dramatically. Sunshine gave way to sudden rainfall, which quickly turned into snow, followed by an aggressive burst of wind that many students described as “personally targeted.”
“I left my dorm wearing sunglasses and a hoodie,” said Bernard Kwofie, a secondyear faculty of law student. “By the time I got to class, I had experienced spring, fall and winter. I’m pretty sure I missed summer, but honestly […] I might’ve blinked.”
Faculty members were equally bewildered. Forson Sefe of the department of environment and geography noted, “We’ve studied weather patterns for decades […] but this feels intentional. Almost theatrical, like Winnipeg is trying to prove a point.”
The sudden shifts caused chaos across campus. Students were seen carrying umbrellas, parkas and shorts, sometimes all at once. One faculty of arts student reportedly slipped on ice while holding an iced coffee, in what one witness described as “a deeply symbolic moment.”
Daniel Tawiah, an instructor from the faculty of science, attempted to bring
reason to the situation. “Technically speaking, this is still within the realm of possibility,” he explained. “Highly unlikely but possible. That said, I did cancel my afternoon lecture. Out of respect for the confusion.”
Meanwhile, campus security issued a brief advisory encouraging students to “dress in layers […] and emotionally prepare for anything.”
Some students, however, have embraced the unpredictability. “It builds character,” said Faustina Owusuaa, a third-year business student. “Where else can you experience seasonal whiplash between classes? It’s like studying abroad but without leaving campus.”
There are even rumours that the university is considering incorporating the phenomenon into its branding. A leaked proposal suggests the slogan to be “U of M: Come for the Education, Stay for the Weather Survival Training.”
As the day came to an end, temperatures stabilized just long enough for a brief, peaceful sunset before plunging back into near-winter conditions by evening.
“I don’t even check the forecast anymore,” said Kwofie. “It feels more like a suggestion than a fact.”
Mathurin Krah, senior meteorologist, warns that similar patterns may continue throughout the week or possibly within the next hour.
“Students are to remain alert, hydrated […] and prepared,” advised Krah.
GRAPHIC BY LADY EMERSON VON / STAFF
AI detects procrastination before it happens
U of M EngInEErS bUIld aN aNTi-PrOCrAStINatIoN AI
Lebeau Gars, staff
In a breakthrough that absolutely no one asked for, but that everyone secretly needed, engineering students at U of M have unveiled a new artificial intelligence (AI) system capable of detecting when you are about to procrastinate, moments before it happens.
“In extreme cases […] it locks your browser and plays a recording of your professor saying, ‘This will be on the exam,’ on loop”
— Roderick Owusu, team member
The system, dubbed “ProcrastiNO,” was developed over what the creators described as “several highly productive last-minute sessions […] fueled by panic and instant noodles.”
“It started as a joke, ironically,” said lead developer Jessinta Yaa, a fourth-year engineering student. “We wanted to build something that could recognize patterns
like opening a new tab, hovering over YouTube, or suddenly deciding to clean your entire room instead of studying. Then we realized, ‘Wait, this is literally our lives.’”
According to the team, the AI monitors subtle behavioural cues such as typing speed, frequency of tab switching and the “dangerous pause” before opening social media. Once procrastination is detected, the system immediately intervenes.
“Right now, it sends aggressive notifications like ‘DON’T DO IT’ or ‘You have a deadline in six hours,’” explained team member Rodrick Owusu. “In extreme cases, it locks your browser and plays a recording of your professor saying, ‘This will be on the exam,’ on loop.”
“I tried it during midterms,” said Pierre Roland, a secondyear science student. “It worked for about ten minutes, then I started procrastinating on the AI itself. I spent an hour customizing the warning messages […] so technically, I was still distracted.”
Faculty members have expressed cautious optimism. Clement Ocran from the faculty of engineering commented, “It is an impressive innovation […] though I do wonder if the students developed it as a solution or as a coping mechanism.”
Meanwhile, concerns have been raised that the AI could become too self-aware. One anonymous user claimed, “It detected I was about to procrastinate and then suggested I take a ‘quick break’ which turned into three hours. I think it’s learning the wrong lessons.”
Despite the setbacks, the developers are already working on updates. Planned features include automatic assignment submission, predictive excuse generation and a “panic mode” that activates 24 hours before deadlines.
“We’re also exploring a premium version,” Yaa added. “It physically prevents you from leaving your chair, though ethics approval is still pending.”
As to whether the creators themselves have stopped procrastinating, Yaa said, “We will get back to you on that.”
PHOTO BY DEE Z / STAFF
Performative Male Club
Why lead when you can just look like you do? Blame shifting
Pat Myback, staff
The Performative Male Club (PMC) opened on campus on March 23 by launching its first event — a discussion support circle for male students.
Chase Credit, PMC president, explained, “We wanted to create a space on campus where our students can feel heard and validated. Nobody wants to hear how leaving the group project to your female classmates to finish makes you a bad person for life.”
The event drew dozens of attendees, with men dressing up in their best outfits.
“Women never appreciate my sense of style,” said Artie Ficial, a general member of the club. “I mean, I wore a pearl necklace and drink matcha. That’s basically allyship.”
Credit also wants this club to address issues that other clubs are having on campus.
“There’s this idea that female execs in clubs feel unheard,” he said. “That’s simply not accurate. We do hear them.”
He then shared plans for a new support circle aimed at helping men “assert dominance” and “appear engaged” without “necessarily processing what is being said.”
Unlike other campus organ-
101 by the Performative Male Club’s executives
“I wore a pearl necklace and drink matcha. That’s basically allyship”
— Chase Credit, PMC president
izations, the PMC does not have a women’s representative.
“This is the last place we would want to be told we are wrong and face reality,” said Will Mansplain, PMC secretary. “We can focus on looking important and excelling at whatever it is we’re supposed to be doing.”
The goal of the PMC is simple — to prepare men for a lifetime of professional pretense. From campus meetings and classrooms to future workplaces, members are trained to project confidence and appear committed, all without actually contributing any meaningful work. In essence, the club’s mission is to ensure that its members leave looking like leaders, while mastering the art of doing as little as possible.
Students can look forward to upcoming events focused on performative behaviour, including how to remain nonchalant during important discussions with loved ones, improve one’s appearance through “looksmaxxing” and express outrage at dark jokes, but only when the subject is men.
PHOTO BY DEE Z / STAFF CHASE CREDIT, PMC PRESIDENT.
complicated research
New AI tool to predict life trajectory
AI eliminates uncertainty, experts confirm life is now optional
Semai Nur, staff
In a landmark announcement that has left both tech enthusiasts and existential philosophers reeling, Silicon Valley startup OptiPath unveiled its newest artificial intelligence system, LifeMap — an algorithm capable of predicting an individual’s entire life trajectory. Developers claim it does this with “statistically perfect accuracy.”
The company’s CEO, Krane Otis, described the technology as “the end of unnecessary living.”
“Why stumble through life making mistakes” Otis asked at the launch event, “when you can simply follow the optimal path from the start? We’ve removed inefficiency from the human experience.”
According to OptiPath, LifeMap analyzes an individual’s genetics, upbringing, browsing history, tone of voice and “micro-hesitations during decision making” to generate a complete life blueprint. The output includes career milestones, romantic partnerships, major purchases and even the exact wording of future arguments.
Users receive their “LifeScript” via a sleek app interface, which sends real-time instructions like, “Decline the coffee invitation — Romantic incompatibility detected,”
“Apply for the accounting job — Promotion probability of 87 per cent,”
“Do not attempt stand-up comedy — Humiliating outcome.”
Since its soft launch three months ago, adoption has skyrocketed. Universities have begun requesting LifeMap reports and employers are using the data to pre-screen candidates. Dating apps have integrated the system to allow users filter matches based on predicted divorce likelihood.
“I didn’t even bother going to law school,” said 22-yearold beta user Maya Chen. “LifeMap showed me I’d drop out in year two. Now I’m in marketing, just like it said. It’s honestly a relief not having to try things.”
Insurance companies have also embraced the technology, adjusting premiums based on predicted health outcomes.
“If the AI already knows you’re going to develop a chronic illness at 47,” one executive explained, “we can price that risk accordingly today.”
While many praise the system for eliminating uncertainty, critics argue that LifeMap effectively removes free will. Leonard Hayes, a professor of ethics, warned that society is “outsourcing not just decisions, but the very experience of being human.”
“These users aren’t living their lives,” Hayes said. “They’re executing a script.”
Still, OptiPath maintains that the benefits outweigh the concerns. “Freedom is overrated,” Otis stated. “People don’t want choices — they want outcomes.”
However, not everyone is convinced.
A small but growing group calling themselves the “Unreadables” has emerged in opposition to the technology. These individuals claim that LifeMap either fails to gener-
ate a prediction for them or produces wildly inconsistent results.
“We break it,” said 31-yearold member Alex Rivera. “The system tried to map my future four times. Each time it gave a different outcome — artist, engineer, monk, ‘data insufficient.’ It literally gave up.”
Rivera and others see this unpredictability not as a flaw, but as a point of pride.
“They told me my life doesn’t make sense statistically,” said another member, who asked to remain anonymous. “Good. That means it’s mine.”
OptiPath has acknowledged
ment, the company assured users that Unreadables represent “less than 0.03 per cent of the population” and are likely due to “data irregularities or non-compliant behaviour.”
But among the Unreadables, the narrative is different.
“We’re not errors,” Rivera insisted. “We’re proof that the model isn’t complete.”
The group has begun organizing meetups — deliberately unplanned, according to participants — where members make spontaneous decisions as a form of protest.
“Last week, we all just got on different buses without checking where they were going,” one attendee said. “It was chaotic. It was inefficient. It was amazing.”
“We’re not errors. We’re proof that the model isn’t complete”
— Alex Rivera, self-proclaimed “Unreadable”
the existence of these anomalies but downplayed their significance, referring to them as “edge cases.” In a recent state-
Meanwhile, LifeMap users report increasing dependence on the system. Some admit they no longer make even minor decisions without consulting the app.
“I used to choose what to
eat based on cravings,” said user Daniel Chow. “Now I just follow the nutrition optimization prompts. Apparently, I was making suboptimal sandwich choices for years.”
OptiPath has teased future updates, including a “PreLived Experience” feature that will allow users to simulate major life events emotionally before they happen, eliminating the need to feel them in real time.
As the technology continues to expand, society appears to be dividing into two camps — those who trust the algorithm to guide them flawlessly, and those who reject it entirely in favour of free will.
For now, the Unreadables remain a small minority, but a persistent one.
“They say we’re unpredictable,” Rivera said. “But maybe the real problem is that they’ve made everyone else too predictable.”
At press time, LifeMap issued a notification to all users. “Reading this article was not part of your optimal path.”
GRAPHIC BY MINCENT MAN GOGH / STAFF
Are you measuring your productivity yet?
New productivity app Trackly tracks everything except actual productivity
Hermione Fleabag, staff
new productivity app
Adesigned to monitor daily habits is gaining attention for tracking nearly every aspect of users’ routines, except whether any work is completed. The app, Trackly, has quickly grown popular among students despite offering little support for actually completing tasks.
Trackly, marketed as an “allin-one optimization tool,” records steps taken, hours slept, water intake, screen time and mood fluctuations. It compiles the data into detailed dashboards that update in real time, offering users a constant stream of feedback on how
reviewing my hydration chart,” said Mosani Huyat, a fourth-year psychology student. “I did not start my assignment, but I now know I drink water more consistently on Tuesdays.”
Another user said Trackly helped identify peak focus hours, though those hours were often spent adjusting settings within the app itself or reviewing past performance summaries.
Productivity apps have multiplied in recent years, each promising to unlock a better, faster and more efficient version of the user through the power of graphs.
“Productivity is about understanding patterns”
— Tia Beth, Trackly spokesperson
their day is structured.
Developers say Trackly responds to growing demand for self-tracking tools. Research in digital health and wearable technology has shown increased interest in monitoring personal habits, particularly among students and young professionals trying to manage academic, work and personal responsibilities at once.
Tia Beth, a Trackly spokesperson, said, “we wanted to give users a complete picture of their day. Productivity is about understanding patterns,” she emphasized.
Trackly sends regular notifications encouraging users to review their metrics. Alerts include reminders to stand, hydrate, reflect on daily goals and, in some cases, schedule routine activities such as bathroom breaks. A weekly report summarizes trends, highlighting improvements in routine consistency and identifying moments where users were most active, most rested and relaxed or most engaged with their devices.
Despite the detailed tracking, Trackly does not measure whether tasks are completed. Users have begun to notice this gap between what is tracked and what is actually accomplished.
“I spent 20 minutes
Most of the apps now encourage users to optimize their routines by measuring everything they do, except the part where they actually finish anything. Trackly appears to follow that trend closely, offering users yet another opportunity to feel highly organized while remaining fundamentally behind on their work.
Furthermore, Trackly includes a premium subscription that offers deeper analytics, including comparisons between intended and actual routines. Users can view longterm trends, generate detailed reports and receive personalized recommendations based on their activity patterns. However, it does not track completed work.
Developers say future updates may address this limitation, though current priorities remain focused on expanding tracking capabilities and refining data visualization.
“For now, we are focused on awareness,” the spokesperson said. “Action is the next step.”
Despite the shortcomings, Trackly remains popular among users seeking structure and insight into their daily habits. More so, as some users said it allows them to track their productivity habits closely enough to avoid doing any actual work altogether.
GRAPHIC BY LADY EMERSON VON / STAFF
on my soap box
A merchant’s guide to minding your own business
Advice on strangers from a man who’s seen too much
Bartholomew Roberts, staff
I used to be a respectable merchant working at a general store in Nassau, Bahamas. I earned every shilling through honest work, carrying crates, sweeping planks and occasionally shouting, “Storm’s brewin’!” My name? Well, it doesn’t matter, no one ever cared to ask, but life was simple. And then “he” showed up.
You might know him as captain Edward Kenway. I know him as “the man who cannot walk five steps without climbing something.” At first, I thought he was just another
pirate, as we get plenty of those — loud, dramatic, smells like rum and makes poor decisions — but no, this one moves differently.
This guy never walks, he runs everywhere. Once, I saw him run directly toward a wall, and then he ran up the wall. I thought I was going crazy, but then it got worse. He started interacting with us, purchasing ammunition from our store. He dropped by our store very frequently to purchase bullets, and each time, I saw a new holster and a new pistol added to his outfit. I hesitated to ask questions and even look
him in the eyes. Well, I never really saw his eyes as he had a hood on 24/7. I wonder what that was about, but I was overall afraid to look in his direction.
When you see someone approaching you with two pairs of pistols, a pair of cutlasses and a pair of hidden blades, which clearly were not “hidden,” do not ask any questions and avoid eye contact at all costs. Even better, just randomly start cleaning something in front of you.
The guards are not much of any help either. I have seen them watch him crouch
behind a barrel and say, “Must’ve been the wind.” The wind does not wear a hood and carry four pistols, Rogers! Meanwhile, if I so much step out of line, someone shouts, “Hey! You’re not supposed to be there!” And yet life goes on.
The sun rises and sets, and I pick up and put down a crate, one after another. Occasionally, I say “Welcome! Finest goods in Nassau!” and “Pleasure doing business with you!” as those are the two main dialogues given to me by my creators. Sometimes I comment on the weather, but that’s about it. I keep an eye out
for trouble, but I tend to look the other way when problems arise right in front of my store — it has always been the Edward guy behind it. He is always leaving bodies right in front of my store, and sometimes he is the “body” himself, but I would see him re-spawn five seconds later at the same spot multiple times. At this point I think I am going insane, but I generally keep quiet about these things and carry on with my work.
PHOTO
Campus lens: U of M students graduate in line
A handful of unlucky graduates who began their undergrad at the end of the line for their double doubles finally received their BAs today. No word yet on their coffee.
PHOTO
Games & Stuff
OPINIONS & UNSOLICITED ADVICE
Horoscopes unhinged
Zodiac sign mania, flip a coin, the stars are on break this week
Berlin Applebee, staff
ACERSECOMICKE
June 9
I’m sorry to tell you this, but to be honest, your cat and gaming setup will be stolen at exactly 3:59 a.m., and it’s going to be because the guy at your local 7-Eleven is envious of your hair. Good luck getting your cat back.
SOLIVAGANT
January 3 –January 15
You’re a real wizard. If you don’t believe it, let this be your sign to sink your life savings into wizarding school. Believe in yourself and make sure you tell your parents that you’re leaving your part-time job to embark on a noble quest.
JENTACULAR
August 14 –September 30
The pigeons are coming for you. Also, Fresh slice pizza.
DEIPNOSOPHIST
October 16
Slå alarmene. Gnomhæren har ankommet. Ikke bli redd, gi dem alle dine blanke ting.
the golden ticket all the way to the Caribbean, where you will meet a mysterious man who will insist he knows your grandma’s cousin twice removed and the way toward the yellow brick road.
DEIPNOSOPHIST
May 21 – June 20
A ticket for a free cruise will be in your mailbox by the end of the day. Do not be frightened, little one. It is from Willy Wonka. Take
AGATHOKAKOLOGICAL
November 1 – 30
I was going to say something nice. But I don’t think I have anything nice to say, so I’m not going to say anything at all. I’ll keep it to myself, thanks.
CACHINNATE
December 18 –December 31
The evil forces are strong with this one. Your best friend’s
cousin’s son’s best friend, named Ron, is currently making a smoothie in an electric blender. I wish I had more to tell you but that’s it.
there’s nothing here for you.
FRIVOL April 1 – 2
In the nest there was a bird, a rare bird, a rattlin’ bird, a bird in the nest. And the nest on the limb, And the limb on the branch, And the branch on the tree, And the tree in the hole, And the hole in the bog, And the bog down in the valley-o.
UCALEGON February 3 – 10
February, that’s the joke. Get it February? I bet you’re waiting around for a horoscope prediction. Well, I don’t have anything for you, so move along. Like, seriously,
It’s personal, fetch Is In
U of M adMIn UndergoIng new developMent dUe to
Berlin Applebee, staff
At the start of this month, the U of M shut down all in-person classes. The reason was “personal.” That’s all the email said, subject line being, “Don’t ask questions.”
It started small. Words like “fetch” were integrated into lectures and essays were to be submitted via Instagram.
Professors now wear pink every Wednesday, with someone named Gretchen George now in charge. What does “in charge” even mean? In charge of what?
With so many changes happening at the U of M, the Ivory Buffalo has asked a few professors to stop by and give a statement about the recent changes happening around campus.
Professor Erin Academy, science department
When asked about the state of internal affairs at the U of M and interpersonal relationships with other staff members, we received colourful answers from this once gentle-natured professor.
Academy: Why would I refer to myself as a fugly slut?
Berlin Applebee: Nobody asked you that.
Academy: Well, I’m sorry
that people are so jealous of me. I can’t help it that I’m so popular.
Applebee: Yet again, professor Academy, can you speak to the state of internal affairs at the U of M?
Academy: Well, that’s what Gretchen said.
Applebee: Who is Gretchen?
*The interview promptly ended with her ordering an Uber Eats Slurpee named “untamed mango” and then proceeding to tell me that I look like I drink a twelve pack of citrus lime daily.
Grandmother and Professor, Helga
Applebee: Can you tell me about what’s happening on campus, G-Mama Helga?
Helga: WHATTTTTTTTT?
Applebee: CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT’S HAPPENING ON CAMPUS?
Helga: I can’t hear you, dear. Can you speak up?
Applebee: CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT’S HAPPENING ON CAMPUS?
Helga: Do I like pizza dolphins?
Applebee: We’ll move on
Helga: They know exactly what they did.
CONJUBILANT February 11 – 32
You need to become an amateur shoe finder. People need shoes, and you need to find them. There is no other destiny for you, if you do not follow this path, only doom awaits you.
CACOZEALOUS
July 8 – 19
When you get home from school today, all your possessions will have been taken by a child named Sally Who. You do not know who this Sally character is, but Sally knows you.
Professor Peter Limar, history department
Limar: I’d like to start this interview by saying that that is the ugliest f-ing skirt I’ve ever seen.
Applebee: It’s vintage.
Limar: If vintage was another name for trash.
Applebee: I—
Limar: Can you tell me why you chose to wear that hideous outfit?
Gretchen George
George: Why don’t I know you?
Applebee: I’m not new. George: That feels really fake.
Applebee: Can you explain what you oversee on campus?
George: That’s, like, so not fetch.
Applebee: What?
George: Your attitude.
Professor Tenure Taves, University of Winnipeg
Applebee: Can you explain the current situation at the U of M?
Taves: Of course. It’s chaos, pure chaos. Staff have all gone crazy — wearing anything but pink on Wednesdays is illegal.
Fetch is now a word. WHAT IS FETCH? What does it even mean? There’s something called a burn book.
*Professor Taves breaks down sobbing Applebee: Do you need a break?
Taves: No, they’ll find me.
Applebee: Who’ll find you?
Taves: They’re out there plotting their next move, writing in their little burn book to hurt my feelings.
*More sobbing from Taves.
Taves: I have to eat my lunch in the bathroom most days.
*A student’s voice from the
void
Random voice: He doesn’t even go here.
Taves: I go here emotionally.
Campus memo
All grades will be assigned based on fetchness. What fetchness? Nobody knows. Students are encouraged to report themselves to George to be observed for school swag. So far, no one has passed. Good luck out there, fellow Buffaloes. You’re gonna need it.
GRAPHIC BY MINCENT MAN GOGH / STAFF
Bring back Pangea, cowards
Solving modern problems with one old continent
Maya Pinion, staff
At a certain point, we need to admit that the current geographic arrangement is no longer serving the public. Global trade is too expensive, vacations are financially absurd, food prices are unstable and most international crises seem to hinge on maritime shipping routes. The fragmented continent model had a good run, but it is starting to feel outdated. If we are serious about fixing the economy, there is really only one solution left — reunite the continents.
Much of modern life has become needlessly complicated by distance. Goods travel crazy lengths before reaching store shelves, governments panic when key routes are disrupted and ordinary people are expected to accept this as the natural price of living in a global economy. But a pepper should not need to complete an odyssey before ending up soft in a Winnipeg fridge. Under a restored Pangea, maritime chokepoints
would matter much less, supply chains would become simpler and the global economy would finally be reorganized around basic convenience.
This alignment would also humble the airline industry, which has spent years acting as though being trapped in a flying tube with a $7 granola bar is somehow glamorous. In a better world, more destinations would be reachable by train, bus or one extremely ambitious drive. International rail could become the great civilizational project of our time. Enough with defence spending and emergency trade summits. Let us build the Winnipeg to Barcelona corridor and see what kind of society emerges.
Pangea would also improve culture. Fewer people would be able to use travel as a substitute for personality. Study abroad would become much less of a personal achievement, and the social prestige of saying “when I was in Europe” would collapse overnight if everyone could get
into Milan without acting as though they had crossed into another spiritual plane. It would also become harder to speak about people in “faraway lands” as if they were abstract, distant and removed from ordinary concern.
There are also geopolitical benefits. Under Pangea, states would be far too busy dealing with the new geographic reality to sustain their current conflicts at full intensity. It is difficult to posture dramatically on the world stage when half the planet has just been rearranged, and most places are now functionally reachable. Foreign policy would also become more accountable, as it is much easier to be reckless when the consequences feel disconnected by oceans and much more difficult when everyone is your neighbour.
There would even be environmental benefits. Climate guilt becomes more manageable when one no longer has to fly for hours to another continent. A con-
nected landmass would also reduce the need for some long shipping routes that currently make every trip or visit to the grocery store feel like a small act of ecological surrender.
We are often told to think big in moments of crisis. Yet whenever someone proposes the obvious — reunite the continents — the so-called “experts” suddenly become obsessed with feasibility. This is exactly the kind of limited thinking that got us into this mess. Pangea would not solve everything, but it would at least bring the world together (physically and spiritually), and right now that feels like leadership.
Dictator? No. Girl dad? Yes!
The MiSUndErSToOD LIfE of JIM KOng DEUx
Clementine Cedarwood, staff
Although he is known as one of the world’s worst dictators, Jim Kong Deux is really nothing more than a girl dad.
People are so quick to judge his actions without looking into what motivates him. “Everything I do, I do for my daughter,” Jim told our sources. He is glad that the media is finally recognizing that his daughter is his only priority. And that he has never been an evil dictator, he has always just been a #girldad.
The first thing that draws criticism toward Jim is the assassination of his family members. People always talk about the fact that he ordered their assassinations, but no one ever asks why. “To secure Jim Ku Ae’s inheritance,” he told our sources. Many people assume that Jim Kong Deux instructed these assassinations to solidify his own position, but that is far from the truth.
Yes, their deaths eliminated potential political rivalry for him and consolidated his own power within Up Korea. But, it was never really about him. See, if Jim Kong Deux stays in power, then he can make sure that Jim Ku Ae is his succes-
sor. If his uncle or half-brother were to take power from him, that would leave him powerless in the conversations about succession. So, by solidifying his own power, he is in fact doing what is best for his daughter.
But people never see it that way. They only focus on how evil it is to have your own family members assassinated for political gain, never on how a girl dad it is of him to eliminate people to secure and protect the future of his baby girl.
Jim Kong Deux also implements generational punishment. In Up Korea, the yeonjwaje (guilty by association) system dictates that parents, siblings, children and even grandchildren of the accused are imprisoned or sent to labour camps because they have “guilty blood.” Some people think that it is cruel to punish innocent family members who have not committed any crimes, especially young children and the elderly.
They also note that it is a gross violation of international law. But what is truly gross is that no one has tried to understand why Jim implements yeonjwaje. The core
idea here is that qualities are in the blood. If traitorous characteristics are in the blood, then so are wonderful, noble and praiseworthy qualities like those of Jim Kong Deux. And if these incredible things are all in his blood, then they are also in Jim Ku Ae’s. And that is the whole point. He is a glorious person, and so his daughter is glorious by association. It is so girl dad of him to prove just how special she is by institutionalizing “by association” laws. People who do not understand the father-daughter connection will
focus on irrelevant details like human rights violations. But those who get it know that Jim is just so girl dad for this.
The headlines surrounding the Up Korean super dad were extremely negative. Up until recently, Jim Kong Deux was known for numerous crimes against humanity, including but not limited to extermination, murder, enslavement, torture, rape, forced starvation and imprisonment. But thanks to the critical thinkers on TikTok, our generation will know him for what he truly is, a girl dad.
Often, when people think of political leaders, they only think in the context of power and how the power they hold interacts with the public. But this viewpoint is too superficial. Obviously, what truly matters is whether or not a person is a girl dad. And Jim Kong Deux is a certified girl dad.
We hope that these recent advancements in critical thinking will go further and more political leaders will be able to edit their image in the public eye because one aspect of their lives seems relatable.
GRAPHIC BY LADY EMERSON VON / STAFF
GRAPHIC BY MINCENT MAN GOGH / STAFF
Local raccoon arrested for art theft in School of Art Gallery
Trash panda detained along with Canada goose getaway driver
Gulla Bowle, staff
AWinnipeg raccoon was caught stealing artwork from the School of Art Gallery at 2:15 a.m. on April 1. The suspect and its getaway driver, a Canada goose, have been apprehended by the Winnipeg Police Service and are currently in custody.
According to police, the raccoon was spotted hauling multiple paintings outside Tache Hall by patrolling campus security guards. It is still unclear when or how it entered the building.
The guards immediately alerted police, causing the raccoon to abandon the heist and flee to its getaway van parked near the U of M bus station. The bandit was quickly intercepted after a brief foot chase and an unsuccessful attempt to hide in a nearby trash can. The goose was also caught speeding down Pembina Highway five minutes later. It is not disclosed to the public how the waterfowl was able to drive with wings and webbed feet. The pieces, painted by Band of Six artist L. L. GitzFerald and estimated to cost over $5,000 in total, were recovered.
The suspect is described as an adult North American raccoon of medium build. At the time of the incident, he had grey fur, a striped tail and was wearing an eye mask and black gloves.
“Animal art theft is no joke, and we take incidents like these very seriously,” said Vince Mahalath, the director of security services at U of M. “We have already seen multiple instances where raccoons have broken into build-
ings on campus, and we are working hard to keep them out of our spaces.”
The raccoon is facing multiple charges, including theft and resisting arrest. The individual is a repeat offender and has stolen smaller items from students such as Peggo cards and AirPods. It was also arrested in 2024 for breaking into lockers in the U of M tunnel system to steal students’ laptops and packed lunches.
Police raided the raccoon’s den in Fort Richmond shortly after and found stolen elec-
tronics, jewellery and credit cards. However, this is likely its first time pulling off a heist of this magnitude, police constable Luisa Yolotli noted.
“We are still not sure why the raccoon did this, but the goose has close ties with organized crime groups that sell stolen art in the black market. The case requires much more investigation, but we have reason to believe the raccoon was commissioned by the goose because geese do not have the dexterity needed to lift paintings off a wall,” she
stated during a news conference.
With spring approaching, animals such as raccoons, geese and groundhogs are expected to be more active, with crimes such as theft, disorderly conduct and reckless driving on the rise. Last spring, a goose was detained for harassing students after inexplicably finding its way inside the Tier building.
Mahalath noted that he will be increasing security presence on campus, particularly near galleries and
other vulnerable locations to thwart future incidents. He encouraged the community to remain vigilant and to alert authorities upon spotting peculiar creatures.
“If you see something, say something. You could prevent campus crime by being proactive,” he said.
University students and staff are strongly encouraged to report suspicious animals on campus to U of M security services at 1-800-RACCOON.
PHOTO BY DEE Z / STAFF
What’s Up with the Windsors, a royal reality spoof
New play depicts Britain’s royal family in the style of a dramatic reality television show
Hilary Meghan Philip, staff
The members of the British Royal Family, the House of Windsor, have been a tabloid fixture since long before social media or television. Yet, their inner workings and personal lives remain closely under wraps. But what if they took a cue from other famous families, like the Kardashians or the Osbournes, and let the cameras inside?
This is what the upcoming play, What’s Up with the Windsors, aims to explore. Complete with confessional cams, catfights and plenty of tears, it presents an alternate reality in which the Windsors, headed by Queen Elizabeth II, have allowed cameras 24/7 access to Buckingham Palace, sharing their lives with their subjects and no longer confined to mere tabloid speculation.
Playwright and director Diana Zane, founder of the local Secret Life Theatre Company, was inspired to create What’s Up with the Windsors while watching The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, with
the soundtrack of the musical Six playing in the background.
“I was watching reality TV and thinking, ‘We’re so obsessed with the Kardashians, why not the Royal Family?’” Zane explained.
“They wear crowns, live in palaces, get married, have babies, smile and wave. It’s all so intriguing. No one does anything like them. It would be the most entertaining show in the world.”
Beginning in 2012 on the eve of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, the play follows the family from 2012 all the way up until the Queen’s death and the accession of King Charles III. The family struggles to handle Elizabeth’s aging, Charles’s poor reputation, the looming legacy of Diana, Princess of Wales and anti-monarchist sentiments. But that all fades when they are met with their biggest challenge — the mere presence of Hollywood actress Meghan Markle, future Duchess of Sussex and bride to Prince Harry.
Actress Rachel Sofia Perry,
who will be playing Meghan, said that the role was a dream for her, and that she wanted to do it justice. While she is a professed superfan of the Duchess, she acknowledged that much of the public do not view her in the best light.
“The fact that Meghan was voted one of the world’s most disliked celebrities this past year, I didn’t realize that making jam and having a Netflix show was so offensive,” Perry commented. “Clearly people hate her no matter what she does, so you best believe I will be making jam on that stage, in the most royally annoying way possible. All I’ll need to do is breathe, and the audience will boo.”
Zane said that she has made sure to have legal representation on board to avoid any potential lawsuits regarding the show’s content. Even if she ruffles feathers, she has a plan.
“I’ll just give the King a document declaring approval and tell him Parliament voted on it, and he’ll sign off. Not
like he looks at any of the documents anyway,” Zane chuckled. “Besides, he doesn’t want to piss off another Diana.”
The show will open on April 1 and does not yet have a set closing date.
“Monarchies don’t ever plan to end, so maybe, just maybe, we’ll reach our Platinum Jubi-
lee,” Zane said hopefully. What’s Up with the Windsors will open on April 1 at the William Henry Theatre. Tickets will be granted to all who affirm that they will be faithful and bear true allegiance to His Majesty King Charles the Third, His Heirs and Successors.
Disney releases live action remake of Zootopia
Fifty-two grey rabbits devoured during film’s production
Gulla Bowle, staff
Disney recently released a live action remake of its popular animated film Zootopia, featuring a full cast of wild animals on set. While intriguing, this adaptation missed the mark and resulted in an incomprehensible and violent viewing experience.
Most people will agree that Disney’s recent live action remakes are soulful, visually appealing and not at all cash grabs made to profit from children and parents who do not know any better. That said, I had high expectations for this film, but I left the theatre feeling disappointed and perturbed due to the bloodshed it depicted.
In the original 2016 film, rabbit police officer Judy Hopps and fox Nick Wilde form an unlikely alliance to solve a series of murders in Zootopia, a utopic city where animals of all species coexist. Despite their differences, the duo cracks the case, and the film delivers powerful messages about prejudice, discrimination and corruption. However, all of this is lost in the live action adaptation. Because the anthropomorphic characters are replaced by wild animals and the cast does
not deliver any intelligible lines, the viewer is instead greeted with silent scenes of wolves, sloths and pigs roaming in offices and city streets, occasionally punctuated by howls and oinks. As a result, there is no discernable plot at all.
Additionally, despite valiant efforts, the crew was simply unable to stop Nick from eating other cast members, especially Judy, given how many scenes the two shared.
“Nom nom nom,” said Nick as he bit Judy’s head clean off for the 38th time. Indra Elisaveta, the casting director and the owner of a PetSmart near the film studio, later revealed that the production resulted in the casualty of 52 grey rabbits, 19 rodents and three ferrets.
“Unfortunately, this is quite literally the nature of the beast,” she commented. “We are lucky enough to have a steady supply of live small pets, or else there is no way we could have finished the production.”
The editors managed to cut out most of the alarming scenes but seem to have deliberately left others in.
For example, instead of the cheerful musical number “Try
Everything” by a singing gazelle and dancing tigers, the movie shows tigers in hot pursuit of a gazelle in a savannah. This ended with the tigers’ victory, and they quickly gobbled up the not-so-musical ungulate. At this point, the entire theatre erupted into screams, and images of the carnage are no doubt forever etched into the children’s minds.
This production has unsurprisingly stirred much controversy, and PETA has already stormed Disney’s headquarters twice last week. Despite this, director Roland Nour stood by his creative choices and threatened the world with a live action release of Bambi
“The animals had it lucky in Zootopia. For our Bambi remake, we are hiring some of the best hunters from across the United States to produce the most interesting and dynamic shots, pun intended,” he said.
The live action adaptation of Zootopia is playing in all major theatres. Disney is currently recruiting those experienced in hunting white-tailed deer for its upcoming Bambi release.
PHOTO BY MINCENT MAN GOGH / STAFF
PHOTO BY DEE Z / STAFF
Local occultist band to debut on resurrected stage
Strange occurrences spotted at The Good Will Social Club
Jorie Alan, staff
To onlookers in the morning of April 1, Winnipeg’s previously defunct Good Will Social Club appeared to have mysteriously lit up once again. With no public announcement made, it was suddenly operating once more with a full staff. According to the posters hung inside, an equally unheard-of local band called Blood Drop is set to take the stage. What patrons may not realize is that the bar is now entirely staffed by ghosts. Our exclusive interview with Blood Drop revealed a shocking tale.
The story began innocently enough. In early 2024, regu-
lar attendees Ronnie Caseng, Ted Dibph and Evan Uek were disappointed about the loss of their favourite spot for local music. So they did what anyone in their situation would have done — spend two years studying the art of necromancy in order to resurrect the venue.
“Winnipeg musicians are naturally good at diving into Wikipedia,” Dibph explained. “Then the scheme came together easier than you’d think. The Perimeter Highway made a great template for our sigil, and we could immediately check ‘blood sacrifice’ off the to-do list thanks to having already sustained injuries
from most pits there.”
“When we got to the venue after our ritual was complete, I noticed there were potions lying around,” Uek added. “So, their power probably helped us pull off the resurrection too.”
What they did not realize was that they would be cursed to play the venue every night. They clearly learned nothing about Faustian bargains after watching Phantom of the Paradise. This is especially difficult for Caseng, Dibph and Uek since they are only three individuals, and so they lack a percussionist. They will be forced to spend every afternoon begging passers-by on Portage
Avenue until they find someone who knows how to play a drum set, over and over again.
“Hardcore might not work for us anymore. I guess we’re going to be a goth band now,” Caseng theorized. “Most people would stay away from a cursed band, but the goths will probably eat this up.”
Several community members have raised concerns about the situation. Staff at the bar next door stated something about “cloning,” “uncanny valley” and “the space time continuum.” But no harm has come of any of this yet, so the Ivory Buffalo predicts it is probably fine. Another regular attendee
in Winnipeg’s music scene, Isaac Diumt, asserted that blood curses like this are why crowds should practice push moshing instead.
“You can just do that?” former The Zoo patron Alicia Yka reacted to the resurrection.
“Why wouldn’t you use this time and energy for something good? Like, oh, I don’t know, a mid-sized venue?” lamented concert promoter Jessie Tjad. “Everyone knows that’s what this city actually needs.”
Blood Drop will be performing at The Good Will Social Club forever.
PHOTO BY DEE Z / STAFF
Buffalo Boombox
A review of Sufjan Stevens’s latest album, Voyage to Manitoba
Jorie Alan, staff
After more than two decades, fans of legendary indie-Midwest-chamberfusion-art-folk-pop-singersongwriter Sufjan Stevens will be delighted to discover that he has finally added the third installment to his series of subnational-division-themed studio albums. The previous two, Greetings from Michigan, the Great Lake State and Illinois, were both dedicated to U.S. states. But this time, Stevens unexpectedly drew inspiration from further north, resulting in an LP dedicated to the Canadian prairie province of Manitoba.
Voyage to Manitoba has secretly been in the works since 2023, when Stevens was invigorated to revisit the project after the success of the Illinois Broadway adaption. He did not want to simply give in to what audiences expected though, so he resolved to model an album after the most Midwestern non-U.S. region he could find. The result is his most extravagant work to date.
The record opens with a 29-second field recording of a whistling steam engine passing by titled, “An Ode to the Choo-Choo, or, The Sufjan
Express Will Reach Churchill in 72 Hours.” This track puts forth the emotional tone of the entire record by introducing a popular conception of Manitoban history, expanded upon to relate to Stevens’s own hopes and dreams. Each track of the concept album builds upon the trope introduced here.
The listener is then immediately thrusted into a reimagining of Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture played by a mandolin orchestra. Stevens’s rendition takes the form of his ballad, “We Shall Fight in the Oaks, We Shall Fight in the Ponds,” describing a hypothetical day in the life of Lord Selkirk.
“Deep in the Park Stands a Cabin,” stands out among the others for Stevens’s extreme falsetto vocals and subversion of typical narratives, wherein he begs listeners to extend empathy for the case of Grey Owl and his construed identity. Stevens elaborates that everyone struggles to form their identity to some degree in their youth. He also sings that he wishes to possess the same literary talent that Grey Owl once exhibited.
The next song, “Oh Golden Boy, Reach for the Sky,”
recounts the biblical story of the Tower of Babel in the modern-day setting of the Manitoba Legislative Building, followed by a 5/4 glockenspiel interlude, and finally a spoken word portion wherein Stevens confesses his middle-school crush on the Golden Boy. This is, of course, a metaphor for the 12 disciples’ devotion to Jesus Christ.
The jaunty a cappella number, “To Lay in the Comfort of Your Fins,” follows. On this track, Stevens sings a duet with himself to tell a Giving Tree-esque story of his own coming-of-age. The higher voice of the back-and-forth dialogue represents himself, and the lower voice represents Chuck the Channel Catfish — the statue in Selkirk.
In the lead single “Always a pleasure, Mr. Cummings!” Stevens’s talents for playing the clarinet as well as songwriting shine as he hypothesizes an alternate world where the careers of rock band the Guess Who and children’s entertainer Fred Penner were swapped.
“They Came from the Sea” is a loose retelling of the Icelandic migration to presentday Gimli, from the point of view of a weary fisherman
attempting to build a house. Each verse features a progressively louder brass section playing in 7/8 time. This is likely meant to convey stress but creates a surprisingly gleeful effect with its jazzy nature.
Stevens also shows sympathy for northern communities’ isolation and their barriers to accessing essential goods and services in his acoustic guitar and pipe-organ song titled, “I Cannot See Thompson Lights from my Flin Flon Bed.”
The most personal song on the album is “Fur Pelts,” a slow banjo-led song about Stevens proposing to his roman-
tic partner of indeterminate gender by hiding a ring in the frozen maple syrup at Festival du Voyageur, only for the two to separate at the next year’s festival. It is sure to bring a tear to any listener’s eye.
The closing track of the album, “Real Riel Reel,” is a 12-minute 6/8 fiddle tune about the statue of Louis Riel that formerly stood at the legislative grounds. Stevens would visit it often in the evenings, and the song details interactions with many interesting men who he would encounter there.
On Ice: The Hockey Musical in development, casting call ongoing
Ambitious project looks to score big with a fresh look at a famous sport
Hilary Meghan Philip, staff
Hockey has long been associated with a culture of machismo and toughness — things not often associated with the world of musical theatre. Could these worlds intersect?
Playwright Charlie Gordon, a former recreational hockey player, certainly thinks so, and that is what he is trying to do with On Ice: The Hockey Musical. Financed by producer Wayne Lemieux through his company Pucks Deep Productions, the musical will focus on a struggling team trying to win a championship, all told through song and dance.
“We’ve seen through movies like The Mighty Ducks and television shows like Heated Rivalry that hockey can translate to the arts,” Gordon said. “Who’s to say it won’t translate to musical theatre? Everyone’s seen hockey interviews. Those guys have so much personality.”
In addition to hiring a cast of musical theatre actors, Gordon and Lemieux wanted to make sure that people who “really knew hockey” were involved, so alongside the the-
atre-trained cast, Gordon and Lemieux have been seeking out high-profile hockey players to feature to “add authenticity.”
“I hope that bringing prominent hockey players into the show will help grow the game and reach out to fans who felt unheard following the 2026 Olympics scandal,” said Gordon. “The incident left many of the new fans that came in through shows like Heated Rivalry feeling disgusted, so I thought that it could help bring a divided fanbase back together.”
According to Gordon, Lemieux tried to reach across the border and give members of the U.S. men’s hockey team a chance to redeem themselves to disappointed fans, offering many of them roles.
An anonymous source exclusively disclosed to the Ivory Buffalo that Olympic overtime hero (or villain, if you ask most Canadians) Jack Hughes of the New Jersey Devils, and his girlfriend, “Canada-down” pop starlet and known hockey fan Tate McRae, were offered the lead roles after Hughes
asked for more than a walk-on guest role, reportedly saying, “People pay to watch me play.”
After the director tentatively agreed, Hughes’s representative then said that they would only sign on for the roles if the team paid him in the form of a gold-plated front tooth and the overtime-winning puck from the gold medal game. Lemieux was forced to decline, as he could not negotiate the release of the puck from the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto.
When asked about the incident, Gordon said, “I mean, after being on Saturday Night Live and getting outshone by two fictional hockey players [Heated Rivalry stars Connor Storrie and Hudson Williams], I can see why he’d set his signing price high. He gets paid millions to skate, I guess that means he’d want millions to sing.”
Gordon stated that he and Lemieux are in tentative negotiations with players from the Winnipeg Jets, Vancouver Canucks and Toronto Maple Leafs, all teams that “will have a lot of free time this summer.” He denied rumours that
Lemieux would pay Jets goaltender Connor Hellebuyck in the form of a request to Prime Minister Mark Carney to award Hellebuyck a medal.
“He might have gotten a medal from Trump, but after crushing Canadians’ dreams, he won’t get the Order until he brings the cup back to Winnipeg,” Gordon quipped.
With NHL casting uncertain, a casting call has been put out to local hockey players of all levels, ranging from junior leagues to beer leagues. Gordon has insisted that it does not matter if they have any musical talent and it is all about getting “authentic hockey” on stage.
“If you can be taught to skate, surely you can be taught to sing. If you’ve got moves on
the ice, you’ll have moves on the stage,” Gordon explained. “Surely teaching hockey players to embrace their theatrical side and do a little dancing won’t be that difficult.” Ultimately, Gordon hopes that this musical will help to grow the game and not only introduce theatre fans to hockey, but hockey fans to theatre.
“The hockey demographic is unreached by theatre, and I’m here to change that. How hard can it be?” he asked.
On Ice: The Hockey Musical is in development. Open casting calls in Winnipeg are taking place at the Centennial Concert Hall and the University Centre Food Court. To apply, visit oniceonstage.com.
PHOTO PROVIDED BY SUFJAN STEVENS
GRAPHIC BY LADY EMERSON VON / STAFF
Sports gambling, maybe there is a point after all
Why sports gambling apps are the new revolution
Temu Werner, staff
Since gambling was made mainstream, it has suffered from a branding crisis. Outdated stereotypes, unnecessary affiliation with people who paint walls red and, perhaps most critical, inefficient infrastructure have prevented it from reaching its full aura as a modern lifestyle need.
Traditionally, customers had to interact with a “bookie,” a guy in his proper three-piece suit who was constrained by business hours, interpersonal friction and accountability. Transactions occurred on a weekly basis, creating unnecessary delays in a financial feedback loop. For credit negotiations, players had to give up physical products with sentimental and monetary value. Wins needed collection. All this made the honourable act of gambling into a bad experience.
Today’s sports betting apps have removed all this blockage. It is now a user-friendly ecosystem. If anything, it is the best modern tech creation — even better than the ice cream machine.
Daily engagement in gambling now involves reviewing global sports lines and monitoring outcomes across multiple events. This reflects a high level of discipline and consistency. Allocating capital across multiple games and adjusting positions in response to outcomes can be understood as an adaptive financial strategy. Increasing wagers is not a response to chasing, but a confidence-breeding model to maximize potential.
Time investment is another commonly misunderstood aspect of modern sports gambling. Spending five to six hours per day analyzing sports has been framed as excessive. However, it shows an immersive, data-rich entertainment experience. Most participants remain active in gambling continuously, regardless of the environment or event they are physically in.
Perhaps a more compelling feature of these apps is how they have integrated into global markets. Where people once were shamed for betting on games, now we have sports athletes and legends of
the games sponsoring these apps. On the Wayne Rooney Show, Wazza has conveyed that these services exist to enhance audience engagement. This level of reputable endorsement offers a degree of reassurance that previous generations of gamblers did not have.
From a macroeconomic perspective, the scale of engagement is equally encouraging. Revenue for 2026 is projected to hit US$655 billion globally, signaling the deep pockets of customers and sustaining market confidence. Critics have attempted to compare this figure by noting that this small amount of money could theoretically solve the homeless crisis or global hunger. However, these comparisons miss the point, as those initiatives lack the real-time excitement, celebrity engagement, dopamine rush, risk and personal traditional philanthropic approach.
Taking all this into context, it becomes clear that the primary issue with gambling practice is not the behaviour itself or the effects on others, but the inefficiencies sur-
rounding it. With mobile betting apps, the barriers have been removed.
In short, the evolution of sports gambling apps has not only modernized the experience but also been perfected, such as fast fashion in helping the environment.
Disclaimer: This article is satirical work and is not intended to promote, nor-
malize or justify gambling. Individuals in Winnipeg or Manitoba who may be experiencing gambling-related harm should seek professional support. Call 1-800-4631554 to contact the Manitoba Problem Gambling Helpline or (204) 944-6229 to connect with Winnipeg Regional Health Authority Addictions Recovery Service.
Buffaloes stampede into Champions League, ready to take on the big boys
Fromunknowntounstoppable,Buffaloesshocktheworld
Staykooldbaddest, staff
The Buffaloes men’s soccer team, once an unknown entity, has shocked the world by qualifying for the Champions League. The team’s transformation from obscurity to global fame has been nothing short of miraculous.
With new stars Shimine Shemessi and Crystal Ronaldu on board, the team’s unstoppable force left opponents in the dust. Their qualifying game against Arssenlol was intense as they won 10-0 with a shutout streak that has left everyone talking. Arssenlol struggled throughout, with the Buffaloes’ defence impenetrable — no wonder the only thing that got breached was their arsse.
Captain Billy Kat, the mastermind behind most of the team’s goals, will be sorely missed next season as he joins Man-chest-her United. His vision on the field and light-
ning-fast reflexes have been instrumental in the team’s success. However, the Buffaloes are not slowing down, because rumors are swirling that Pep Guardyourhat is in talks to take the reins next season. The prospect of Guardyourhat’s tactical genius guiding the team is sending shockwaves through the soccer world.
Rumour has it that Neyhimara AndClara is set to join the Buffaloes’ squad for a whopping $500 million, making him the highest-paid player in the team’s history. If true, this bombshell transfer would add another layer of excitement to the Buffaloes’ Champions League campaign. Can Shemessi, Ronaldu and now AndClara make the Buffaloes’ story a glory?
The Buffaloes are set to face off against world giants Bachelorna and Shell-sea. Can they keep their winning streak
alive? The world is watching! The pressure is on, but the Buffaloes are ready. Shemessi’s dazzling skills and Ronaldu’s clinical finishing are a match made in heaven.
The Buffaloes’ journey is a testament to the power of teamwork and determination. From unknown to Champions League contenders, they have proved anything is possible. As they prepare for the big league, everyone is wondering what is next. Will they make history and bring home the trophy? Only time will tell.
The Buffaloes’ lineup is a who’s who of soccer talent, minus Kat’s leadership next season. The goalkeeper’s position is still a mystery, but with Guardyourhat potentially at the helm, expect big changes. For now, the focus is on taking on Bachelorna and Shellsea. The Buffaloes are ready to rumble!
PHOTO BY DEE Z / STAFF
GRAPHIC BY LADY EMERSON VON / STAFF
U of M brings 2026 World Cup home
The university will host the global soccer tournament
Michael Carrick, staff
I
n a bold decision, the U of M has announced that it will host part of the 2026 FIFA World Cup on its campus.
The tournament is planned to take place across large stadiums in North America, but the university believes it should also be included. School leaders feel that the campus is more than ready to handle a global sports event.
The plan is simple. Instead of building new stadiums, the university will use spaces that already exist. The main field will be a grassy area near classrooms. A second field will be placed behind a residence building where the ground is uneven but still usable. A third field will be created in a parking lot once the snow is removed and the ice is mostly gone.
The university has explained that size is not important. Officials believe that even a small field can feel like a world-class stadium if people try hard enough. They also said that crowds may be smaller than usual, but this will make the experience more personal and easier to manage.
Weather is expected to be one of the biggest challenges. Winnipeg is known for very cold temperatures, especially during parts of the year when soccer is not usually played outside. To deal with this, the university plans to use space heaters around the fields. There is also talk of using heated blankets for players and fans.
Even with these efforts, games may still be played in freezing conditions. Organizers believe this will make the event unique. They say players will need to show not only skill but also strength and patience in the cold.
The university has started inviting international teams to come and play. Emails have been sent to many countries, asking them to visit the campus and take part in the games. So far, there has been no clear response from any major team.
Because of this, backup plans are already being discussed. Students and professors may be asked to form their own teams. Different departments could compete against each other, turning the World Cup into a campus
tournament.
To make things more intense, the university plans to schedule matches during exam season. This is meant to create a high-pressure environment similar to professional sports. Players may also be asked to complete short academic tasks during breaks in the game, combining sports with studying.
Fans are expected to attend in large numbers, although they will need to dress very warmly. Heavy jackets, boots and gloves will likely be part of the normal fan experience. Hot drinks may become just as important as the games themselves.
The international soccer organization FIFA has not included the university in its official plans. Despite this, the school continues to move forward. Leaders believe that hosting the event locally will still bring excitement and attention to the campus.
Preparations are ongoing. The university is working to find basic equipment such as goalposts and nets. There is also a search for referees who understand the rules well enough to manage the
matches. Some volunteers have already stepped forward.
The university remains confident in its plan. The goal is to bring a global event to a local space, even if it looks very different from the original tournament.
If everything goes as
IvoryBuffalo eyes for Olympics
World waits for the magic of Ivory Buffalo table tennis team
Temu Werner, staff
The Ivory Buffalo six have not lost focus. They have, however, lost their brain. In a secure bunker somewhere on campus, a dynasty is being forged.
Six athletes. One rusty table. A small room with big delusions.
They are the deputy undersecretary of cultural affairs, the grand wizard of videre, the supreme overlord of digital engagement, the intercontinental sports correspondence admiral, the managing director of analytics and the speech writer of the King. They represent, by their own words, Canada’s most credible table tennis medal threat in modern history. No one has contradicted this, at least not publicly.
The deputy undersecretary of cultural affairs has been quiet all week. When he finally spoke, it landed. “My grandmother had a saying,” he said, gripping a paddle with peeling rubber. “She said, the harbour is busy, but the mountain top
is empty, I think about that every Saturday after having a pint.” He then lost a point to the wall. The wall is literally two months old.
The grand vizier of visual operations has said little about her process but more about her standards. “I had a prophetic dream, where I won the tournament and brought global peace,” she said. “We are not perfect yet,” she paused, “but we are also not finished.” She served the ball into the photo room, breaking a few pieces of lighting equipment. Training was briefly suspended and a text was sent to the board.
planned, the first match will begin once the snow melts enough to allow a ball to roll across the ground. Until then, the campus continues to prepare for what may become one of the most unusual versions of the World Cup ever imagined.
The supreme overlord of digital engagement is not interested in doubt. “People forget that the tallest buildings in the world were not built by people who were comfortable,” he said, to no one’s complete understanding. He nodded afterward in a way that suggested the subtext was there if you were willing to look for it. His engagement metrics on social media reflects that people do not connect with him.
The intercontinental sports correspondence admiral offered the following when asked about the team’s chances. “You ever drive through a prairie winter at minus 40 with the heat broken,” he said.
It was not a question. “You don’t think about stopping. Quitting doesn’t occur to you.”
He stared at the broken table.
“That’s all I’ll say.”
The Canadian Olympic Committee has not responded to the team’s application, their follow-up or the drunk voice-
mail the grand vizier of visual operations left that she had described only as “dreaming.”
Training resumes Thursday. The ball is currently under the filing cabinet.
PHOTO BY DEE Z / STAFF
PHOTO BY DEE Z / STAFF
THE PROPOSED PITCH FOR THE U OF M’S FIFA WORLD CUP.
