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“We believe in freerange education”: Admin denies treating students like cash cows
MURV BERKLEY, STAFF
T
he University of Manitoba’s administration is fighting back against accusations that they treat international students as “cash cows.”
The accusation has been levied by international students angry about the university’s policy on tuition fee differentials, which sees international student students regularly paying nearly 4 times more than domestic students in basic tuition fees.
However, the university’s administration insists that they don’t see their students as cash cows.
“If anything, we see them as more of a free-range poultry,” said vice-president student husbandry Ray Gowakaz. “During the day, they’re able to leave crammed classrooms and roam around the campus. And the meal plan does include a lot of corn.”
“Outside of being treated like people, that’s about as good as it gets.”
Manitoba Federation of Students international students’ representative Raez Mabarik said the university could be doing more to make international students feel respected on campus.
“The ultimate goal is to be treated like people,” Mabarik said. “Ideally we wouldn’t be
treated like any farm animals.”
Gowakaz said that moving towards treating international students like people was a critical part of the U of M’s current five-year strategic plan, but that in the meantime, he believes international students still have a great experience to look forward to.
“If anything, we see them as more of a free-range poultry” – Ray Gowakaz, U of M vice-president student husbandry
“They have a great, peaceful student experience before they’re finally sent off and eaten alive in the job market,” Gowakaz said.
“For us that’s critical. We really do believe in ethical education.”
University issues mass recall of arts students graduated between 1877-2016
MURV BERKLEY, STAFF
T
he University of Manitoba is issuing a large-scale recall of graduates from its faculty of arts.
The recall comes after several employers raised concerns about U of M arts graduates they’d hired having no discernable skill sets, and includes all students graduated between 1877 and 2016 from all departments within the faculty.
The university stressed that the recall was organized on a voluntary basis, but urged any employers who’ve hired arts students to return them to be exchanged for new graduates from other faculties and programs.
“Graduates from our various other faculties, professional and otherwise, were not affected. Anyone who’s employed an
engineering or law student need not be worried,” reads a U of M press release.
University of Manitoba vicepresident academic Tandy Gunat said that the arts graduates aren’t a source of danger.
“We really want to reiterate, these graduates aren’t a hazard so long as they’re not put in a position to make decisions. It’s
just that they don’t work the way they’re supposed to,” Gunat said.
“We want to make sure employers have faith in our graduates.”
While Gunat said the university was reviewing the future of the faculty of arts, she denied they were looking at shutting it down altogether.
“We do still put a high value
on the arts. Right now we’re just looking at some changes. For example, we’ll be removing classes covering medieval literature from our class schedule and implementing a mandatory course on the basics of Microsoft Excel.”
Demolition of arts complex begins as U of M makes room for third engineering building
MELANIE MEYERSTEIN, STAFF
Wrecking balls went to work tearing down a number of University of Manitoba buildings used primarily for faculty of arts classes and professorial offices early Tuesday morning.
The demolition of Fletcher Argue, Isbister, and parts of the
Tier building will make way for the U of M’s third – and largest –engineering complex, according to administration officials.
The U of M governing board unanimously approved the demolition during a lockeddoor, late-night emergency
meeting Friday while arts faculty members attended the English department’s annual slam poetry contest.
U of M publicity chief Jack Dalakanasis said it was high time the buildings be torn down and the faculty of engineering
be given a chance to shine at the university.
“This will give the university a chance to put its best foot forward with a faculty that actually matters to us,” Dalakanasis said in a phone interview.
Funding for the large new complex to replace the arts buildings will be paid for, in full, by the U of M’s Upfront and Central capital campaign.
Arts Body Council (ABC) president Zach Welding expressed mixed emotions when asked about the destruction of the large block of structures.
“ABC condemns in the strongest of terms the repeated disrespect university officials have shown arts and our buildings,” Welding told the Ivory Buffalo.
“We are, however, grateful the administration is finally taking care of Isbister’s extensive black mold problem,” he said.
Faculty of arts dean and professor of philosophy Bilas Engan could not be reached for com -
Degrees to offer in-class delivery
MURV BERKLEY, STAFF
Degrees Restaurant is rolling out a new in-class food delivery option at the University of Manitoba.
The student union-owned restaurant is hoping to increase its revenue by tapping into the coveted ‘hungry-in-class’ market.
Degrees’ in-class delivery system uses a free app called EasyDegreesy, through which students can specify their order and the class they’d like it delivered to.
Jonas Nikartson, Degrees general manager, said the restaurant has received positive feedback with the system’s trial so far.
“People really seem to love the convenience. We’re reducing wait-times in the restaurant and we’re filling a critical need.”
“Teachers have a bit of a problem with it,” he added. “They’ve raised concerns about soup spills and disruptions during classes, but we’re working with them to address that.”
Nikartson said the app is mov-
ment, which fueled speculation that the philosophy department may not have been notified of the impending demolition before wrecking balls began swinging Tuesday.
Dalakanasis hinted that may have been the case.
“Look, paying for tenured profs to continue teaching and building a state-of-the-art engineering complex at the same time just isn’t practical with the university’s current funding model,” he said.
“So yeah, we’re saving some dollars here and spending some dollars there. At least we got all of the economics professors out in time.”
ing from a beta version to a full version this week.
Stephanie Hansleburg, a second-year kinesiology and recreation student who’s used the beta version of the app, said she’s had a great experience so far.
“I love it,” said Hansleburg. “It’s a great energy boost when you’re just sitting in macro-economics and you get a box full of poutine.”
Some students on the Bannatyne campus have already raised concerns about extended wait-times for delivery.
“Our bike courier system for the Bannatyne and inner city campuses are definitely a little slower than we were hoping for, but we’re working on improving that as well,” Nikartson said.
GRAPHIC BY BIG MIG
PHOTO BY ROCK STAR
PC government introduces new legislation to ‘destroy the Rebel scum’
MURV BERKLEY, STAFF
O
n Friday, Brian Pallister’s PC government put forward new legislation meant to eradicate the Rebel Alliance in Manitoba.
The PC government has had a tense relationship with the rebels since coming into office in April 2016, but that relationship further deteriorated with the government’s new bill.
If passed, the bill will consolidate rebel bargaining units in a bid to increase efficiency in the bargaining process, end automatic certification for new rebel associations, and freeze wages in the Meridian sector.
The Rebel Alliance has joined a slew of provincial labour unions to voice opposition regarding recent legislation by the province.
“What we’re seeing is increasing opposition to this government’s agenda,” said Ali Gossun, president of the Manitoba Labour Association. “Pallister ran on protecting frontline services, and we’ve seen nothing but hits to frontline services in this sitting of the legislature.”
Web O’Hara, fighter pilot for the Rebel Alliance, also voiced concerns about the government’s priorities.
“The PCs are refusing to rule out closing emergency rooms, but we’re seeing trillions of credits earmarked for capital investment in this Death Star project,”
O’Hara said.
“And the worst part is, it’s a private-public partnership. The research has shown, time and time again, that this is a wasteful way to approach government projects. At the very least we should have public sector employees handling construc -
tion of this project.”
U of M political studies professor Nate Jargun said the government’s recent anti-rebel stance could be contributing to a decline in the government’s popularity.
“Recently, polls are showing a bit of a dip in support for the PCs,” Jargun said. “Conflict with the rebels could definitely be contributing to that, but it’s likely not the only factor. Their prodark side stance has definitely alienated urban voters as well.”
Candidate in student election unveils bold platform to ‘represent all students’
MURV BERKLEY, STAFF
T
hird-year biology student
Trevor Dewanachuk has laid out a bold platform in his campaign for president of the University of Manitoba’s Science Students’ Association (SSA).
In campaign materials including flyers and posters, his slate, Students Together, promised to “represent all students” if elected.
This has put the slate in stark contrast with their opponents, Students Assembled, who thus far have only promised to represent “most students.”
“A lot of people said we’d
alienate people with this promise,” Dewanachuk said. “They said it was too bold, too brave. But I think it’s important to stand up for what you believe in, and I really think it’s important that we do in fact represent all students.”
on issues,” and “address students’ concerns” without clari -
“I didn’t actually know anyone on the slate, but the message really resonated with me. I’ve been waiting for someone to ‘address issues’” – Sarah Tunizlup, Students Together
Dewanachuk also promised that if elected his slate would also “improve services,” “work
calling Students Together’s fourpoint plan the most far-reaching platform seen in an SSA election in recent memory.
really resonated with me. I’ve been waiting for someone to ‘address issues,’” Tunizlup said. “It’s great to see – great to have something to believe in.”
slate volunteer
fying what services, issues, or concerns those would be.
Political commentators are
Secondyear astronomy student Sarah Tunizlup said the platform inspired her to volunteer for Students Together.
“I didn’t actually know anyone on the slate, but the message
Voting for the Science Students’ Association election takes place on April 1.
Editorial
Aaron Griffiths is the president we need for 2018
I
t’s been five years since Aaron Griffiths was tragically disqualified in his bid for University of Manitoba Students’ Union (UMSU) president.
Griffiths ran alone under the slate name No More Tears.
Unfortunately, many tears were shed when the CRO ruled that the costs associated with repairing accidental damage to a UMSU-owned painting should be taken out of his campaign budget, putting him over his limit for the election and eliminating him from the race.
Democracy was quashed that day, and in the years since, no one has run such an inspiring campaign.
Even without taking office, his promise to “finish the Hub, so people can drink” was kept.
His proposal to bring celebrities like Lupe Fiasco and Sum 41 to campus again, despite openly disliking both – saying of Fiasco’s U of M performance, “it was terrible, no one enjoyed it” – can still be achieved. In fact, it would presumably be much cheaper to book Lupe Fiasco and Sum 41 now.
His plan for free karate lessons to address security concerns on the Bannatyne campus is needed now more than ever.
“No one’s happy to go to this school. It’s the perennial worst school in the country… We all know we don’t have much future.”
With those words and a hefty dose of Ron Swansonesque charm, Griffiths inspired a generation of U of M students. Some of us saw him run in 2012 and
are still at the “perennial worst school in the country,” others have only heard stories of his initial bid for the presidency, but all of us are ready for a political revolution. If he ran, students would come to him in droves, inspired by his message and martial arts ability.
Griffiths is the candidate we need to make UMSU great again. For that reason, the Ivory Buffalo editorial board is offering its official endorsement for the still-11months-out 2018 UMSU general election.
PHOTO STILL FROM INTERVIEW WITH THE IVORY BUFFALO
Editor: Gaston de Gorka
If I can pull myself up by my father’s bootstraps, so can you
MAXIMILLIAN WALTER BENJAMIN THE THIRD
H
igher tuition – can it be a good thing? I, Maximillian Walter Benjamin the Third, technically a duke and descendant of a long line of feudal lords hailing from northern England, say yes. Listen – I know that higher tuition fees can really put a dent in the family fortune, amassed through decades of hard work shaking down the peasantry, stealing native land, and exploiting migrant or indentured laborers. But when we take into account that these higher tuition fees can pay for new buildings, like the one named after my grandfather, I think we really have to agree that we all love
buildings, and the extra cost is worth it.
Paying more money for education is also an incentive to work harder. For instance, because of tuition fees increasing, I have asked my father for a summer job supervising temporary foreign workers at his multinational corporation. If not for increased tuition fees, I would have certainly rather spent the summer on my stepmother’s yacht. Several people have raised concerns about how the increases will affect poor students, international students, and student parents. However, I’ve never actually seen one
Buffalo Babble
and remain skeptical of their existence. After all, in my personal and universal experience, students are one of the most privileged segments of the population. If there are any students worried that higher tuition fees will affect their ability to afford school, my father needs the chimneys in several of his summer homes swept, and is willing to pay the legal minimum wage to hire any one of you to do it. If I can pay for my tuition through a summer job with my father, I don't see why everyone else can't do it too! You’re welcome.
Students get their say on the issues of the day
The provincial government is adopting new legislation that’ll allow universities to increase tuition at five per cent above the rate of inflation. The University of Manitoba’s administration has already signalled they intend to increase tuition under this new legislation. How will the new tuition increases affect you?
They
my
I guess I’ll
Higher tuition is hip-hophappening! Who let the
This year marked the first time the University of Manitoba Students’ Union has used electronic voting in its general elections. Voter turnout ended up being 27.7 per cent, a full four percentage points higher than the highest turnout on record. What do you think of UMSU adopting online voting?
I think it
Sandra Bufter, faculty of law
won’t, as long as
student loan bankruptcy scam works out according to plan.
Ryan Palliser, faculty of kinesiology and recreation management
dogs out?
Dillon Handeburg, faculty of science
have to get back into the meth business.
Ben Turkler, faculty of engineering
Anything that lets me vote without pants on is all right by me!
Darcy Owafield, faculty of arts
leaves UMSU elections too vulnerable to Russian hacking.
Dale Jerimo, faculty of science
My botnet and I found the voting process much smoother than last year.
GRAPHIC BY EVANGELINE MACSCOTIA
Eight reasons you should be glad tuition is going up
TYLER GUTIERREZ, STAFF
W
ith the province announcing new legislation that’ll allow universities to raise their tuition by more than the rate of inflation, some Debbie Downers have been talking about how terrible the impact will be for students. But it’s not all bad news! Here are eight reasons you should be glad tuition is going up!
1. More study spaces
Remember how finding a place to study used to take hours on end? Well, now that tuition is being raised and people will start to drop out because of financial distress, there’ll be free couches to lounge on in every study space! With fewer students on campus because of new socioeconomic barriers erected by the provincial government, you can find a great spot to study and even leave it unattended while you go buy Starbucks! And because all the poor people have dropped out, you don’t have to worry about anyone stealing your MacBook. Sweet!
2. More nice buildings you won’t ever walk in Now that tuition is higher, the University of Manitoba administration can devote even more millions of dollars to building massive, cutting edge facilities for the professional faculties that you’ll probably never join! Campus will look fabulous with even more foreboding glass towers whose purpose you’re not familiar with.
4. U of M don’t want no scrubs
Now that tuition is increasing, you won’t have to worry about accidentally associating with a
Since only the elite business class of Winnipeg will be able to attend the U of M after a couple years of tuition hikes, campus style will soon be on par with the most chic downtown Toronto hotspots!
scrub when you ask your fellow classmates for notes. Oh, the horror!
3. Better campus style
Since only the elite business class of Winnipeg will be able to attend the U of M after a couple years of tuition hikes, campus style will soon be on par with the most chic downtown Toronto hotspots! Instead of rags, everyone will be sporting suave blue jeans and classy oxford shoes. Did somebody say messenger bag?
5. No stressful decision over having to choose a major Remember struggling to pick
between the reasonable choice your parents suggested (actuarial studies) and your heart’s one true passion: theatre? Well now you don’t have to choose between giving up on your dreams and disappointing your parents, because you can’t afford school!
Phew, that was a close one!
6. Shorter lines to buy food on campus
With everyone putting all their money towards tuition fees, no one is going to have money to buy food – and that means shorter lines for you! Say goodbye to the lunch rush at Degrees!
7. Save money on rent
If you can’t afford food and end up starving to death, you’re going to save mad dinero on rent in the long run! That’s cash money in your pocket!
8. Lower chance of plague outbreak
If you’re a total germophobe like me, you’ve gotta be happy thinking about how much less likely you are to fall victim to an infectious disease outbreak now that there won’t be all these people on campus. A whole bunch won’t be able to afford to attend, and even those who do will be so busy working extra shifts to make money for tuition that they won’t have time to sit around campus coughing on you.
Scientists announce as many as 65 per cent of endangered species probably had it coming
DICK CONNELL, STAFF
W
hile human intervention has resulted in a rapid decline in population for many animal species, have any of us stopped to think: could they have possibly deserved it? According to one study, a majority of them did.
The study, which was led by University of Memphis biologist Jason Jaysine, states that as many as 65 per cent of endangered species “probably had it coming.” The news comes as a bombshell to many animal rights advocacy organizations who have spent years trying to prevent their extinction.
While some animal rights activists remain skeptical of the findings, Jaysine is assuring the public that rhinos, tigers, and many other animals haven’t earned nearly the amount of concern and respect activists give them.
“There is certainly some misinformation circulating in the public. For example, a lot of people view cougars as majestic creatures to be revered, but the findings show a majority of them are just total jerks,”
Jaysine said.
The study is supplemented
urges often. That’s why I’m a trophy hunter.”
He added that the Malayan tiger mounted in his office was prone to blowing its nose loudly in class.
“A lot of people view cougars as majestic creatures to be revered, but the findings show a majority of them are just total jerks” – Jason Jaysine, professor of biology, University of Memphis
by recorded evidence of animals cutting in line, tipping less than 15 per cent, and disregarding a variety of other social conventions.
“Who hasn’t wanted to kill someone who cut them in line?”
Jaysine said, while showing off his personal collection of animal remains.
“I know I have. I get those
Jaysine now hopes to use the study to promote his start-up business of African elephant steaks. African elephants, according to the study, especially have it coming, and taste great if paired with A1 sauce and a light salad. When asked about the other 35 per cent of animals going extinct who presumably didn’t have it coming, Jaysine explained that this was only as far as we knew, and that further research into what else they might have done was still necessary.
Editor: Lizzie McFrizzle
Local man who spends his time calling people cucks online somehow believes eugenics would spare him
PAUL JOSEPH JONES, STAFF
C had Hamar, a 29-year-old segregation enthusiast who also goes by the name “CuckDestroyer696969” on several online message boards, published a manifesto earlier this week on Tumblr that theorizes introducing eugenics as a medical practice will be the answer to all of his country’s problems.
But it doesn’t end there: Hamar also believes that under a national eugenics policy, he will be one of the chosen few to remain and improve the gene pool.
"I'm just trying to be on the right side of history"Chad Hamar
“This is just the reality of the world. Survival of the fittest,” Hamar, who presumably believes there would be no IQ test component to any future eugenics policy, told the Ivory Buffalo.
“And it’s up to me to say something about it,” he added, from the basement of his parents’ suburban home, next to a shelf full of participation trophies.
While blessing internet forums and his embarrassed family with his massive intellect takes up most of his time, Hamar also devotes himself to many charities, including using his weekly allowance to donate Bitcoins to Infowars.
“The world belongs to those of us who are notably superior,” said Hamar, while covered in leftover Cheetos residue. Attempts to discuss even the mechanistic problems with eugenics, such as issues with gene diversity and pleiotropy, were brushed off by Hamar, who instead asked what pleiotropy was. Not because he didn’t know, because of course he knew what it was, but instead to test the interviewer. When asked if a future built on eugenics, which is often associated with ideas about genetically engineering a more intelligent and attractive race of people, would include him, he snorted and said “obviously.”
Hamar, who described himself as a “professional shit disturber” and provided no other employment status when asked, claims to have done extensive research on eugenics and says that he has many supporters. While he only knows their Reddit usernames, he is positive they would join him in real life and preach their worldview on the streets.
“I’m just trying to be on the right side of history,” he said, referring to the views he shares with Nazis.
Idiot 8-year-old believes bake sale will somehow save rapidly declining whale population
FRYE WILLIE, STAFF
Alocal 8-year-old girl is facing international disdain and ridicule after hosting a bake sale to benefit the endangered blue whale.
Emily Balest, a rosy-cheeked, pigtailed fourth-grader, organized the bake sale after learning about the plight of the blue whale in science class. She baked cupcakes with the help of her mother and sold them to family and neighbours, raising a grand total of $34 in mostly small change.
net users alike have been in an uproar for days over Balest’s feeble attempt at positive change.
Marine biologist Jeff Albertson told the Ivory Buffalo the little girl was wasting her time.
“Does she honestly think 34 dollars in quarters is going to do anything?” said Albertson.
“Does she honestly think 34 dollars in quarters is going to do anything?”
– Jeff Albertson, marine biologist
Mrs. Balest was not available for comment on her child’s deepset ignorance about the scale of the problem and the futility of her stupid plan to address it.
“I mean, she sucks,” her science teacher said when approached for comment.
“She’s a huge geek. It’s like, does her hand ever get tired from having questions? No wonder she thought she could help a species going extinct because of climate change. What’re you gonna do? Patch up the ozone layer with 34 dollars? Dork.”
Scientists, activists, and inter -
Genetic engineering gone too far? Scientists create likable STEM major
GARY WALLACE, STAFF
I
n a move that has some communities shaken, scientists have genetically engineered a new form of life: a likable STEM major.
The man-made creation is studying organic chemistry, and yet manages to be easygoing, friendly, and bearable at parties.
The genetic anomaly was released on to an unnamed university campus just last week for field observation, and according to researchers monitoring the situation, students are already taking notice.
“It’s like... the uncanny valley,”
one student, a philosophy major, reportedly said after spending a whole hour with the STEM major without it invalidating his years of study.
hopes for it, and said that if it succeeds, the study could result in genetic alterations to other groups.
people who are nice to retail workers, philosophy students that aren’t total messes. It’s absolutely awe-inspiring.”
“If you subtract the cost of the ingredients to make the cupcakes, and the cost to actually get whatever the hell 34 dollars is going to get you in wildlife preservation tools, what’s left? What are you doing this for? I mean, does she not realize the United Nations has a whole department on this sort of thing? What a moron.”
When asked what might help to address the shrinking blue whale population, Albertson said, “Nothing.”
“They’re more or less goners at this point. It’s out of our hands. All we can do now, is tell people who try to save them how stupid they are.”
“You know, it looks real, but it can’t be real... I’m sure Kant has something to say about it. If you could just give me two hours and a ride to the library, I could totally tell you what.”
The man-made creation is studying organic
chemistry, and yet manages to be easygoing, friendly, and bearable at parties
“The possibilities are endless,”
local scientist Manny Zaius, an expert on nerds, said.
Staff at the lab that synthesized the STEM major have high
“You could create anything with genetic engineering: old
Not everyone is excited about this scientific leap, however. In particular, some other STEM majors are raising ethical concerns about the research.
“It’s not fair that some of us have to work for our degrees, while some of us get lucky and
are built in a lab,” said Melvin Botchitaw, a fourth-year biology student at the University of Manitoba.
“I only get three hours of sleep a day. Did you know that? Probably not. What’s your major? Journalism? Good luck with that,” Botchitaw said, insufferably.
The STEM major hopes to complete its degree by spring of 2018, and while it is taking some classes this upcoming May, it has the self-awareness to recognize that there are probably worse ways to spend a summer.
GRAPHIC BY ALMOS TRAMPLED
lol Diversions
Editor: Mayer McCheese
arts & Culture
Editor: Jim Sweltington
WAG’s “Dank Memes” exhibit reminds non-millennials how old they really are
EVELYNE VAN-SNOOT, STAFF
T
he Winnipeg Art Gallery is showing a new exhibit on the recent history of online art titled
Dank Memes from April 1 to 20.
The exhibit is unlike anything I, as an art connoisseur, have ever
seen.
Several pieces, some graphically designed, some photo -
graphed (and some poorly Photoshopped) are lined up along the wall. Some pieces of the exhibit appear to be stills from well-known modern films and television shows such as The Big Lebowski and House. Most have large blocks of text splashed across them. These nonsequitur photos are, I am told, a cornerstone of youth culture.
The pieces are not labeled, and have no designated artists.
When I inquired how one determines the artist, the WAG guide on duty informed me that memes are a collective project, and have no designated artist. As for the lack of titles, apparently the purpose of a meme is the understanding of a reference without explicitly saying it.
“So I’m just supposed to know what these are?” I asked.
“You need to spend more time on Reddit,” the guide explained.
I do recognize a few characters featured in the pieces – for some reason, many feature Kermit the Frog from Jim Henson’s The Muppet Show.
There is a screencap of him sipping tea, another of two Kermits engaged in conversation,
one wearing a black cape. There is also an image of actor Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka resting his head on his hand. Many images of the children’s cartoon Spongebob Squarepants are also displayed – naturally, these assembled pieces brought up a few concerns around copyright infringement.
“I’m assuming you have the creative license to display and profit from these copyrighted characters?” I asked the guide.
“Umm... Yes. I wanna say yes? It’s the Internet, right? Everything’s fair game.”
After informing the guide that I was pretty sure that’s not how things worked, I was promptly escorted out of the exhibit and thanked for my patronage.
In spite of its incomprehensible absurdity, I came away from Dank Memes with a striking realization – I have aged more than I thought.
Compilation album Wolseley features some of Winnipeg’s hippest, freshest, most obscure bands
FRON TROWKID, STAFF
As an all-star local compilation recorded in a beach house in Gimli over the course of nine weeks, Wolseley is the current pride and joy of Winnipeg’s music scene.
Missing from the album are locals Regal Kayak, who, unfortunately, couldn’t rent their extensive array of toys and equipment from a local daycare centre for the weekend.
The album starts with a track from some local favorite cis white male, who was so afraid of offending someone with what he said, he opted to submit a purely instrumental tune.
To complement this, a completely a cappella track was done by the most famous local success story in the bustling Facebook livestream scene: the Country Bumpkins. A piercing voice yells to “like, comment, and share,” promising that a performer will indeed take his shirt
off, and that behind the camera, “the boner police have arrived.”
Local rockers Shyness Kit and SunDogs both have songs on the album; vocalists Ellen Rousey and Shannon O’Malley appear to be competing to see who can yell louder about how hard it is to be a front woman in lace and leather jackets, while the bassists incessantly try to out-funk one another.
Prog-rock power trio Sunscreen’s hit “Limelight” by Rush is hardly a cover, as they somehow manage to make the four-minute song twice as long with unwritten and unnecessary bass, guitar, and drum solos.
Someone thought it would be a good idea for this to transition into the Tragically Hip. No, wait – it’s just Listening Tree, accustomed as they are to riding on the coattails of popular local bands (part of this band’s aesthetic is to be completely unknown unless
you’re a cool kid.)
Local shoegaze outfit Rain Cloud has a song as well. For something new that doesn’t sound like their past 26 albums, skip ahead 17 minutes into the ambient track to the part where the pizza guy arrives. This section features atmospheric sounds of the band ironically asking for it to be free because it took longer than 30 minutes and, when this doesn’t work, trying for the student deal (even though we’re pretty sure they’re in their mid-30s.)
Overall, the compilation offers a glimpse into Winnipeg’s unknown, underrated talent. Unknown and underrated, that is, by anyone outside of Winnipeg.
GRAPHIC BY EVANGELINE MACSCOTIA
GRAPHIC BY EVANGELINE MACSCOTIA
Fine dining reviews: that time I was drunk AF at Little Pizza Heaven
PENELOPE PHETTA, STAFF
T
he legendary Osborne Village was deemed one of Winnipeg’s hotspot areas and a must see for any foodie visiting the city. I, however, bounced between vacant and packed restaurants – only to find myself packed into a miniscule pizzeria next to some dive bar, filled with music that reminded me of my yester-year. I was held in the arms of a hippy that tasted like patchouli and Standard lager. The lineup wound out the door and down the street,
drunken patrons creating a swaying snake of people proclaiming their love of feta. The smell of garlic and cheap beer overwhelmed my nostrils as we impatiently waited for a slice –all to the sounds of some busker who was now singing “Wagon Wheel” and “Ring of Fire” for the 14th time.
My accomplice loudly shared that it was my first time at Little Pizza Heaven, and I was immediately informed in a slurring fashion by droves of people that “you
don’t even know,” and “it will change your life.”
The once rowdy crowd of Soul Night lined up like good school children to greet the servers with friendly Manitoba-style please and thank-yous, and once we reached the front of the line we ordered the special, which was two slices of pineapple feta pizza and a can of root beer.
I had never seen such a thing in my life but lo and behold, easily hundreds of people flocked here weekly to consume this
Winnipeg delicacy.
Presentation:
The plate it came on couldn’t support the weight of the pizza, and clearly indicated the amount of grease that accompanies an astronomical amount of cheese, to the point that the plate became completely transparent. That said, most patrons finished their slice over a few ham-fisted attempts at their PIN number, let alone before sitting down.
Service:
The service is excellent for the droves of humans from all walks of life filing in to try this local oddity (pineapple and feta pizza).
Taste:
It was salty and greasy and I DREAM OF IT EVERYTIME A SIP OF BEER TOUCHES MY LIPS AND WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU WINNIPEG.
The Manitoban BuzZ: Weekend Update March 24-26
EMMY HILTON,
Friday night, 10:00 p.m. @ the Handsome Daughter
John Mayer spotted at local watering hole and venue the Handsome Daughter, but other sources say they saw Johnny Depp.
(Editor’s note: Turns out it was just the sound guy, Corey.)
Saturday morning, 8 a.m. – 11 a.m. in Wolseley, Osborne Village areas
Droves of various twenty-
somethings stumble out of the Roslyn in what appears to be last night’s attire to amble back to their shared houses in Wolseley. Meanwhile, Osbornites are stumbling out of shared Wolseley houses in a similar state of dishevelment, making their way back home. Parties meet to high-five at a halfway point at Osborne and Broadway, shotgun a leftover Pabst, and continue home to sleep until four in the afternoon.
Saturday afternoon, 2 p.m. in Corydon area
After waking up on some couch the “morning” after a house party, Samantha’s denim jacket she got at a thrift store in Texas was not stolen, but rather found in her friend’s boyfriend’s second cousin’s car – who happens to live just a couple blocks away.
Saturday afternoon, 4 p.m. @ Munson Park
Band members from several local outfits accidentally gathered at Munson Park to smoke marijuana. No one cares, not even the cops.
Saturday night @ Good Will Social Club
A relatively unknown solo act opening the show naively let a random drummer from the audience play on the drum kit that was set up onstage. The kit belonged to the headliner, Shyness Kit.
The opener was reprimanded with an emphatic “who does that?!” and was denied all Standard lager privileges until an apology was given.
Sunday morning, 3 a.m. in Wolseley area
Three young women were involved in a heated exchange after a house concert on Langside St. One went home with one wrong Blundstone, as did two others. After a few drunken, panicked Facebook statuses, and friends forwarding Snapchats, the issue was eventually resolved.
Sunday morning, 11 a.m. in Wolseley area
Sources say that an unscheduled Zombie Walk that seemed to start from nowhere and ended at Stella’s Café & Bakery on Sherbrook was the most successful one since its beginnings. (Editor’s note: Those aren’t zombies. I told you to stop taking photos of me and my friends, Emmy.)
STAFF
sports
Editor: Blurp McGurp
“There aren’t any hills”: World Cheese Rolling Association denies Regina for league expansion
ROB MCKENZIE, STAFF
An announcement this week by the governing body of the World Cheese Rolling Association (WCRA) brought heartbreak to a small sector of Saskatchewan athletes.
In a press release, the organization broke the news that they
would not be holding events in the prairie province due to the hurdles posed by the flat geography of the area.
“It is with heavy hearts that we must decline the proposal offered by the government of Saskatchewan,” the press
release read. “We take no pleasure in this denial, and recognize the passion of cheese rolling fans in the province; however we cannot hold an event in an area which lacks a fundamental component of our sport.”
The WCRA went on to thank
Saskatchewan for their proposal and insisted they would work with the government in order to find a way to stage an event in the future. Previous reports indicated that the government was willing to expend significant public funds to construct a venue for the event, with the potential location being near Regina’s football stadium.
It was decided this past fall that the WCRA would hold qualifiers in various other countries in order to kick start the continued growth of the sport. Preliminary events have already been announced for Kiev, Minsk, and Athens to cover the European qualifiers, as well as Osaka and Seoul for the Asian qualifiers. No announcements have yet been made for the American qualifiers. However Portland, Oregon seems to be the frontrunner: the hipster capital of the world has a large cheese rolling contingent.
The proposal by the Saskatchewan Cheese Rolling Federation (SCRF) was a head scratcher for many involved in the sport, as the flat province
NHL grants Atlanta expansion franchise again, argues “third time’s the charm”
ROB MCKENZIE, STAFF
L
ess than a decade after losing its second professional hockey franchise, the city of Atlanta was been granted a third chance at hockey glory.
Reports have surfaced that the Georgia capital will unveil another team in the fall, under the watchful eye of the league. A majority stake in the team will be held by the league until they can prove they are viable.
“We’re returning to a place we wish we’d never left... again,” league commissioner Greb Beitzer said in an interview. “The lovely state of Georgia deserves another shot. It’s a large market
that remains untapped. We are certain that we’ll get it right this time.”
Leaked league documents indicated that the expansion application filed by Quebec City in 2016 was transferred to the new Georgia-based ownership group, and that the team will be called the Atlanta Nordiques. When asked about the significance of the new name to the city, and that it seemed like the league
was already working to make an inevitable relocation north easier, Beitzer was quick to defend the market.
and felt it would be nostalgic for fans and draw interest.”
“We’re returning to a place we wish we’d never left... again” Greg Beitzer, NHL commissioner
“You can consider the last two teams as the first two strikes,” he told reporters. “You get three strikes in baseball so we’re applying the same logic here. We already owned the name
The past two hockey franchises to occupy the city, the Flames and Thrashers, sputtered for many years until being relocated to Canadian markets. In Canada, they have seen a marked improvement in both the on-ice product and financial success.
When questioned about why he wanted to return to a market which failed twice instead
was not thought to be a viable market for a sport born in the hilly lands of Scotland. A fact addressed in a recent press release by the SCRF.
“We take no pleasure in this denial, and recognize the passion of cheese rolling fans in the province” – WCRA press release
“We understand many were skeptical of this market,” the organization said. “However we firmly believe that the vibrant Saskatchewan culture would embrace the sport with open arms given the chance.
The SCRF could not be reached for further comment.
of placing a team in a hockeystarved Canadian market, Beitzer stood his ground.
“We believe in this market and region,” he said. “We’ve seen the success of Los Angeles, San Jose, and Washington. That surely can be replicated here. We can grow the game here.”
Beitzer neglected to mention the state of the franchises in Carolina and South Florida, as well as the financial troubles in Anaheim.
In related news, Quebec City is beginning preparations for their new franchise which they are expecting to arrive by 2019.
GRAPHIC BY EVANGELINE MACSCOTIA
Michael Jordan breaks down at press conference calling for an end to the crying Jordan meme
DALE LEBOTTA, STAFF
O n Wednesday, former NBA superstar and two-time basketball hall of fame inductee
Michael Jordan hosted a press conference in Charlotte, N.C., calling for an end to use of the ‘crying Jordan meme.’
The meme uses a 2009 photo of Jordan shedding tears during his induction speech for the NBA Hall of Fame.
“I am known as the best NBA player of all time and have done a lot for the game of basketball, but now my legacy is being tainted by this meme that is flooding everyone’s social media feeds” – Michael Jordan
The meme is photoshopped primarily overtop athletes’ faces after they fail within their sport, such as Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton after the team’s Super Bowl 50 loss, and Ronda Rousey after being knocked out by Holly Holm and losing her first UFC fight.
With the meme going viral, Jordan has finally had enough and has stepped forward and made some comments about the meme.
“It is just disrespectful,” Jordan said as he began choking up.
“I am known as the best NBA player of all time and have done a lot for the game of basketball, but now my legacy is being tainted by this meme that is flooding everyone’s social media feeds, and will probably be written about on my Wikipedia page one day.”
Jordan stated, as he began
full-on-crying, that he doesn’t mind being photoshopped onto and compared to other athletes, but only when it is in a positive light.
“When someone loses a championship they are honoured with this silly meme, but- but the only time that my face should be applied to someone else’s is when they actually win a championship and achieve greatness like I have six times in my career, ” Jordan said, now sobbing and with boogers running.
The crying Jordan meme has recently been placed on LaVar
Ball, who is UCLA’s guard Lonzo Ball’s father. UCLA was just eliminated from the NCAA March Madness tournament, which made all of LaVar’s talk take a hit. He has been telling everyone who will listen that he could have beat Jordan one-on-one when he was in his prime, and has also been saying that his son is already better than Golden State Warrior guard Steph Curry. This is the one exception where Jordan likes the use of his meme.
“My face is on his [LaVar Ball] because I am better than him and he is irrelevant,” Jordan said,
BY
as an NBA staff member handed him a box of Kleenex. “He can talk all he wants, but we all know that if we were to actually hit the court in a one-on-one game I would come out on top because I’m the greatest of all time.” Although Jordan liked seeing the famous meme applied to LaVar, he wants to see it come to an end so that everyone can remember him for his greatness on the court, and not for his tears in the meme.
Out of options, Browns sign local armchair quarterback
PARTOV FLOWERS, STAFF
W ith all the struggles the Cleveland Browns have had at the quarterback position the past few years, the team has been forced to get creative. The Browns announced on Tuesday that they had signed local armchair quarterback Tony Rembrano.
The 42-year-old Rembrano was third string quarterback in high school football at LincolnWest High School in Cleveland in the 1990s. He was never much of an athlete, but used his time with the football team in a feeble attempt to get girls.
“I was so close to playing col -
“I’m an old guy by NFL standards” – Tony Rembrano, local armchair quarterback
lege ball. I would have made it,” he said with a bag of Cheetos in his hands. “I received lots of offers, but when I hurt my knee
that all went out the window. I know I could’ve gone pro.”
Rembrano is an avid fantasy football player and has a state of the art man cave to watch football games in.
“I am basically the best fan I know,” he said. “I am better than most at betting on football games. All my buddies know what I have been saying for years: I could easily play in the NFL.”
Browns GM Sashi Brown said they took notice of Rembrano after they saw them in the team’s Twitter feed telling them that “he
could do better.”
“You see that a lot from fans who think they can do better than our players on the field,” Brown said. “We were particularly interested in Rembrano because of his persistent presence in our feed week after week.”
The starting job is of course still to be won by Rembrano, but he is fairly confident in his abilities.
“I will definitely work hard to try to earn my spot as the starter,” he said. “I know it’s no sure thing. I basically know the offence inside and out, I have
been watching this Browns team for a long, long time. They break all the plays down on ESPN for you, you know.” Confidence oozes from Rembrano’s pores, but only time will tell if he will be able to prove himself as an NFL player. Cleveland’s training camp opens up in August, with some pre-season games scheduled where fans will be able to get their first look at Rembrano under center.
