The last 27 issues featured real news stories with well-researched, hardhitting journalism. We apologize for the error.
UMSA president collected Air Miles using personal card
Critics charge student union missed out on dozens of collectible points
MURV BERKLEY, STAFF
Afreedom of information request put forward by the Ivory Buffalo has uncovered emails showing that University of Manitoba Students’ Association (UMSA) president Calvin Bergeron collected Air Miles reward miles with his personal card on union-related expenses.
The Air Miles were collected on a variety of expenses over several months including $87.13 on poster materials for an advocacy event, $7.49 for office supplies, and $352.22 from a TacoTime restaurant. In total, the president collected nearly 200 Air Miles reward miles on his personal account.
The details were verified through a series of automated email updates for Bergeron’s personal Air Miles account that were forwarded to the president’s work email and public statements of union expenses.
Bergeron said that the number of reward miles collected was extremely small and that there was no loss to the union because the organization doesn’t collect Air Miles.
“This isn’t a controversy. What we’re looking at here is a political witch-hunt,” Bergeron said.
Some students disagree. Kiera Fiera, UMSA representative from
the Association of Music Students, said the use of a personal Air Miles card represented a major breach of the president’s fiduciary duty to the union.
“Those Air Miles belong to all of us. No one else is going to fly one-eightieth of the way to Brandon on students’ backs” – Kiera Fiera, UMSA representative
“Those Air Miles belong to all of us. No one else is going to fly oneeightieth of the way to Brandon on students’ backs,” said Fiera.
“That says nothing of the issue of broken trust with students. What other rewards cards has he been collecting with on the union’s dime? Has he been collecting PC Plus points? Has he been shopping at the Co-op?”
A group of students going by the name of Students for an UMSA with Air Miles is now calling for
Bergeron to be removed from office.
Cole Ruggard, a representative of the group, told the Ivory Buffalo this issue needs to be resolved before the
end of the year.
“They say justice is blind. But not today. Today her vision is 20/20 and she’s out for vengeance,” Ruggard
said.
“That is to say, we’d like him to step down.”
Better Business Bureau investigating U of
M over thousands of worthless arts degrees
Complainants reviewing option of class action lawsuit
MURV BERKLEY, STAFF
The Better Business Bureau of Manitoba is investigating the University of Manitoba after receiving complaints from thousands of alumni who claim to have received useless arts degrees from the institution.
The alumni, who graduated between the years of 1998 and 2015, say that their degrees, which they each paid thousands of dollars for, hold no value in the real world.
Igreet Salhamine, who graduated with a bachelor of arts in religious studies in 2011, said she felt cheated when she realized how little value her degree actually had.
“They told me to study what excited me, but it’s a con,” Salhamine said. “I paid all this money and all I got out of it was a deeper understanding of myself and the world around me. But who’s going to pay me for that?”
James Melhurst, who studied anthropology from 2009 until 2013, said he’s still paying for his decision to obtain an education.
“I didn’t even have all the money. I had to take out a loan to pay them,” said Melhurst.
“One of my friends is still there, paying more for a graduate degree. I’ve tried to get her out, but she thinks
it’ll pay off one day. I’m just sick about it.”
Although some of the complaints come from people who graduated as far back as 18 years ago, the majority stem from younger people who graduated in the last five years.
“We’ve got graduates with degrees in Ukrainian-Canadian heritage studies out there in the world looking for work, so yes, this is something we take seriously” –Marvin Spleck, chief investigator, Better Business Bureau of Manitoba
Marvin Spleck, chief investigator with the bureau, said these sorts of complaints against universities have increased in recent years, but added
that until quite recently it was rare to see them filed against larger institutions like the U of M.
“It’s usually out of these fly-bynight schools like the University of Winnipeg that you get these sort of complaints, but these days even these U15 research schools seem to be getting in on it,” Spleck said.
Spleck was tight-lipped about details of the investigation but did say that he believed the complaints had merit.
“We’ve got graduates with degrees in Ukrainian-Canadian heritage studies out there in the world looking for work, so yes, this is something we take seriously.”
While they wait for the Better Business Bureau of Manitoba to take action, a group of alumni are reviewing the possibility of a class action lawsuit against the school. A highly employable alumnus of the U of M’s faculty of law is currently set to represent them.
PHOTO BY EVANGELINE MACSCOTIA
PHOTO BY GERALDINE WAY
Stock market enters freefall after chief economist begins presentation with graph on its side
Bankers and policy experts react poorly to misunderstanding over growth numbers
MURV BERKLEY, STAFF
The S&P TSX composite index went into freefall Monday morning after Paul Dezar, chief economist with the Bank of Canada, started a presentation on the state of the economy with a graph featuring economic growth projections accidentally displayed on its side.
The presentation was set to show the central bank’s growth projections for the next three years, but was disrupted when attendees, including several prominent bankers, business leaders, and policy wonks, misinterpreted the sideways graph as a sharp decline in Canada’s growth.
“I saw a lot of people frantically
pulling out their phones. There was murmuring, then it got louder and a couple people ran out of the room. One man started praying on the floor of the conference room,” one attendee, who asked to remain anonymous, told reporters.
picked up on that.”
The Canadian dollar also lost 23 per cent of its value in what economists have dubbed “the Big Whoopsie of 2016”
“I could see the title was also on its side, so I figured it was just a mistake, but I don’t think everyone
The S&P TSX composite index fell by 4,500 basis points before a clarification was issued. Through the rest of the day shares rallied to sit at an average of 80 per cent of where they started. The Canadian dollar also lost 23 per cent of its value in what economists have dubbed “the Big Whoopsie of
2016.”
“I’m really, really sorry guys. This one is totally on me,” Dezar said. “If it helps, I was going to announce that we were in pretty good shape. Not so much now, but before that, things were really looking up.”
Dezar added that the Bank of Canada would likely have to redo their projections for the next three years and would be rescheduling an event for the coming months. Dezar went on to assure the media that he would have his intern set up the presentation next time.
Canadian who keeps sharing Bernie Sanders articles on Facebook
‘not
sure’ about voting in provincial election
Student who is ‘feeling the Bern’ cannot name any provincial party leaders
MURV BERKLEY, STAFF
Local 22-year-old student and Bernie Sanders enthusiast Trevor Baird said he’s not sure about voting in Manitoba’s upcoming provincial election.
Baird has shared a half-dozen articles about Sanders each day for the past four months on social media and has made regular calls for a “political revolution” in the United States, a country he has never been a resident of.
“For me, Bernie Sanders represents the kind of political leader that America needs. He really stood out
in that first Democratic debate in October. I think that’s where he put himself ahead of O’Malley, Webb, and Chafee as Clinton’s main competitor,” said Baird, who can’t name any of the party leaders vying to be premier of Manitoba.
“I’m really feeling the Bern!” added the young man who isn’t eligible to vote in the United States.
Baird said issues such as education, economic inequality, and the environment were what drove him to get engaged in another country’s political process.
Staying awake in class key to academic success, says researcher
ANN ARBOR, MICH. – A new study out of the University of Michigan is shedding light on the factors involved in academic success. Researchers are saying one factor in particular, whether students stay awake in class, plays a much larger role than previously thought.
A research team from the university’s department of psychology conducted a quantitative analysis with surveys done with nearly 800 students after their first year of classes. A number of variables including GPA were used to measure academic success.
Lead researcher Denise LaRoche said that the team’s findings defied expectations.
“What we expected to find was that study habits were the most important factor in predicting grades, with intelligence, goal-oriented attitude, and positive self-perception also playing significant roles,” said LaRoche.
“But as it turns out being conscious during class is actually much more important.”
Students who reported sleeping through a majority of classes saw a drop of 0.75 points in their GPA on average compared to students who
“It’s time for people to wake up and start paying attention,” Baird said. “We need to hold politicians accountable and actually vote for politicians who are going to represent us.” When asked whether he’d be taking that enthusiasm to the ballot box April 19 for the provincial election Baird said it would depend on whether he could go before coverage of the New York Democratic primary started.
“I don’t want to miss anything. This is really important after all,” said Baird.
slept through three or fewer classes in the course of a single semester.
For the purposes of this study both students who reported sleeping in their classrooms and missing class altogether due to sleep were counted. However, researchers warned the data still might be skewed to underrepresent the strength of the relationship.
“There were a lot of students who didn’t finish the survey because they fell asleep and others didn’t show up – we assume some of them may have been sleeping.”
MURV BERKLEY, STAFF
PHOTO BY EVANGELINE MACSCOTIA
PHOTO BY MURV BERKLEY
PHOTO BY CHAVRIL KROVIGNE
Angry professor launches ‘Rate My Students’ website
Students receive feedback from disgruntled course instructors
MURV BERKLEY, STAFF
AUniversity of Manitoba professor is fighting back against students who have given him low ratings using the popular website ratemyprofessors.com by setting up his own site to review students.
Darell Gojur, a professor of mathematics, set up the new site, ratemystudents.com, after years of receiving negative reviews – including criticisms about his teaching ability, mannerisms, and appearance – on the Rate My Professors site.
Gojur told the Ivory Buffalo that he hopes Rate My Students will give professors an opportunity to fight back against unfair criticisms as well as “teaching those ungrateful little pukes what it feels like.”
The site has already garnered significant interest from faculty members at a number of universities, with over 1,000 faculty members leaving
nearly 12,000 reviews.
Gojur hopes Rate My Students will give professors an opportunity to fight back against unfair criticisms as well as “teaching those ungrateful little pukes what it feels like”
One review of Jared Steezle, a third-year environmental design
student at the University of Alberta, claims the student was “a little shithead who never listened and was always asking for extensions.”
“Don’t teach this student if you want an easy class,” the review concludes.
Not all reviews are negative, though.
Jenny DeGroot, a secondyear anthropology student at the University of Manitoba, has received an overall student score of 3.5 out of 5 on the Rate My Students site.
DeGroot said she understood the desire from faculty to have the site and thought her reviews were fair, but was uncomfortable with her status as a “hot tamale,” symbolized through a red chili pepper graphic.
Passive aggressive partner from group project transitions to regular aggression
High-achieving student detained by security services after library outburst
MURV BERKLEY, STAFF
Security services were called to Elizabeth Dafoe library last Thursday after a local student began overturning tables and damaging property.
The student, who has been identified as Carrie Nibish by her classmates, flew into a fit of rage after her passive aggressive pleas for competent contributions to a group project were ignored by her partners.
According to her friends, Nibish, who was assigned to her group at random by her professor, is on the dean’s list for her faculty and holds a 4.26 GPA overall
According to her friends, Nibish, who was assigned to her group at random by her professor, is on the dean’s list for her faculty and holds a 4.26 GPA overall.
The group was reportedly scheduled to meet in the library at 2:45 p.m. to discuss the status of their group project. One of the group members told the Ivory Buffalo the meeting ended up starting at 3:07 p.m. because another member was running late.
One student studying in the library near the group said she overheard the conversation between
Nibish and her partners prior to Nibish’s outburst.
“She kept saying she’d really appreciate it if everyone would make sure they sent her their parts by Friday night,” the student said.
“Then the guy with the backwards cap said he wasn’t sure which part
he was supposed to be working on. That’s when she started shaking.”
Witnesses report this is when Nibish began throwing binders and books and flipping tables. A library assistant was hurt when she tried to restrain Nibish.
Minutes later security services
arrived and were eventually able to restrain her.
While her partners were given an extension on the assignment, Nibish has been given an F grade by her professor for being unable to “work with others.” A law student representing Nibish announced that she is cur-
rently in the process of appealing the decision with the U of M senate, claiming temporary insanity brought on by stress.
PHOTO MURV BERKLEY
PHOTO BY CHAVRIL KROVIGNE
Student council baffled, concerned by high turnout at social event
Preliminary numbers show faculty of arts social not a total waste of money
MURV BERKLEY, STAFF
Members of the Arts Student Body Council (ASBC) are concerned after one of their social events broke even due to high attendance.
The Lord of the Rings-themed “Spring Fling it into the Fires of Mordor” event, which took place March 20, saw an unexpected surge in attendance at the door from students who had not pre-purchased tickets.
The event, which cost $10 for admission, was hosted at a local bar that had been rented by the ASBC. The event’s Facebook page and posters invited attendees to dress up as
their favourite Lord of the Rings character.
The social marks the first time in the council’s history an event has broken even. Similarly, with over 80 people reportedly in attendance at the event, this marks the first time the council has ever broken into double-digit attendance.
“No one expected this to happen. People were laughing and dancing, really having a good time. I mean,
motion may have contributed to the high attendance.
“People really seem to like dressing up like Lord of the Rings characters. We had almost 30 Frodos on the dance floor at one point.”
“No one expected this to happen. People were laughing and dancing, really having a good time. I mean, we almost ran out of tickets” – Mimzi Beauregard, social planning co-ordinator, ASBC
Mimzi Beauregard, ASBC social planning co-ordinator, said she had no idea the event would be a success.
we almost ran out of tickets,” she said. Beauregard said that the event’s theme and the use of posters for pro-
ASBC president Darren Gerard told the Ivory Buffalo that after including money from a raffle at the event, the ASBC may have actually made money hosting the event.
“This completely throws our bud-
Serial procrastinator still has hours to start final paper
get off. We’re going to have extra money at the end of the year. We can try throwing another party, but if that breaks even I don’t know what we’ll do.”
13 hours plenty of time to finish readings, write final paper, according to student
MURV BERKLEY, STAFF
Third-year sociology student and frequent procrastinator Steve Neech is waiting to start his upcoming term paper, saying he has nearly 13 hours left before it’s due.
The paper is the third and final assignment for his sociological theory class which requires him to analyze
key points from sections of the first volume of Karl Marx’s Capital. The paper is expected to be eight to 10 pages double-spaced.
Neech, who hasn’t completed the readings yet, is hoping to plough through them before 4 a.m., write until 10 a.m., and then make a casual
trip to print them on campus before his class starts at 11:30 a.m.
“That’s six hours to do roughly nine pages: 1.5 pages an hour. And it’s actually supposed to be doublespaced, so it’s more like three-quarters of a page an hour. So really, I’m already ahead of the game,” Neech assured himself.
“And if I do end up running a little late, I’ll just skip class and stop in at the end to drop it off. It’ll be fine.”
Neech’s attitude hasn’t changed since he last spoke to the Ivory Buffalo two days ago. At the time he said three days would be plenty of
time to finish the assignment. Neech then proceeded to binge watch season four of Dexter on Netflix.
“I’ve seen it before, but it’s really good. And anyways, I just needed a bit of a break to clear my head before starting,” said Neech, who still isn’t clear on who the proletariat are.
PHOTO BY MURV BERKLEY
New Instagram selfie studio provides optimal minimalist setting for local hipsters
# provides perfect #selfies
ALASKA QUINOA-JUNO
The art of the minimalistic Instagram feed has taken social media by storm and Holden Portland, the Winnipeg Instagram artist behind @thingsinfrontofwhitewalls, has beaten out the popular Instagram feeds of social media celebs Cam Cardashienne, Keyboard Cat, and local hero Dancing Gabe (with his barely there posts).
Portland’s studio, simply called #, is located in the heart of Winnipeg’s Exchange District. The Instagram studio consists of three white walls and a window of full sunlight to ensure perfectly-lit pictures. At first Portland planned on opening a coffee shop, but he changed his business plan when hipsters began flocking to his empty space in droves.
“Not only did I save money on repurposed palette tables, but I also started making money by imple-
menting a cover charge,” Portland told the Ivory Buffalo
With that, # Instagram Studio was born.
The studio is currently BYOP (Bring Your Own Props), but # is hoping to feature works from local artists in the future.
“We have been talking to local boutiques such as Mildly Annoyed Pheasant, Timid Squirrel, and Orange Lantern, hoping that they can set up a table of overpriced knickknacks,” said Portland.
“We want to be a one stop Instashop in the future.”
Portland also let the Ivory Buffalo in on #’s plans for some upcoming workshops, once the studio’s initial popularity starts to die down.
“We have local Instagram filter guru @fadeexposuresharpen coming in to teach us the tips and tricks
of the trade.”
#’s opening week featured a guest appearance from world-renowned competitive latte artist Ricky “The Bean” Rigatoni.
“The taste isn’t really up to par, but by the time you get the perfect angle of his world-famous mason jar peacock latte, the drink is cold anyways,” Portland told the Ivory Buffalo
If you are feeling as though your Instagram feed is up to par to become a hipster, # also is there to help you look the part.
Every Second Tuesday of Every Month That Has Less Than Six Letters (ESTEMTHLTSL) is a new art program featured in the exchange where you can bring your own ink and needle and the artist will stickand-poke a Flash tattoo in exchange for a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
# is also in the process of provid-
ing an appropriate wardrobe for the perfect hipster selfie, and Portland is no stranger to taking his friends’ portraits in front of white walls.
“We will have a collection of plaid
Stand-up comic Jerry Seinfeld co-authors book
Four Manhattanites co-author a modern-day classic
TOBIAS NEWMAN
Society makes us believe in the measurement of things and the accuracy of those measurements. Everything is preplanned, calculated, and recalculated. We believe that the essence of life is in the fullness of it. This is the blueprint of civilization, religion, democracy, and all that yada yada yada.
However, four people – broadminded simpletons – have rejected this fallacy. They created a special world, one that is void of both depth and comprehensiveness, and shared it with the rest of us in the form of a book – The Book About Nothing.
The Book About Nothing is a
modern-day classic co-written by four Manhattanites – Jerry Seinfeld, Elaine Benes, Cosmo Kramer, and George Constanza.
Once strangers, the three friends (and Kramer) dared to delve into issues that great philosophers like Norman Cupperty, Wo Kiars, and Getta Maface, have struggled to wrap around their finger. In
There is something in this book – especially the chapter about pretzels – that will make the reader thirsty for more
that sense, the book is a re-gifting. Frankly speaking, the book highlights the need for serenity now and for us to giddy up and remain focused. There is something in this book –especially the chapter about pretzels – that will make the reader thirsty for more.
The Book About Nothing showcases the intentions and beliefs of the authors. The
shirts, Blundstones, vintage band tees, and toques available to choose from. It’s just like playing dress-up, the only difference is that the likes will be flowing.”
about nothing
emptiness and unformatted nature of the pages are unorthodox and novel. There will probably never be a book like this – one without words, pictures or graphics, one entirely filled with and about nothing.
That being said, everyone – the high talkers, low-talkers and close talkers – will find this book very relatable.
World’s first Marvel-themed park set to open in Winnipeg
Marvel’s monetizing rolls on with new superhero park
Rumor has it that an exciting new theme park is set to open in Winnipeg this summer. The Ivory Buffalo can confirm the truth behind these hearsays – MarvelLand is indeed coming to Winnipeg.
This summer is going to be the biggest yet for the city of Winnipeg. There are so many great things that are on the verge of happening over the next few months – from Paul the Octopus’s visit to the Assiniboine Zoo to the relocation of the Apple headquarters from Cupertino, CA
to our very own Exchange District.
That being said, the opening of the world’s first MarvelLand is the most exciting of the summer events. It all began when Winnipeg-born entrepreneur and philanthropist Porketta Full took her kids to see The Avengers back in 2012. A mere visit to the cinema turned into one of Full’s biggest ideas.
“That movie changed my life. Watching all those superheroes – Iron Man, Captain America, Thor – do great things made me believe in the
impossible,” said Full.
“The only problem was I bought the wrong tickets. They were not 3D tickets. So that was not cool but then, I got the idea. Why see a movie in 3D, when you can see it in real life?”
With that thought, Full got her people to contact Disney’s head office. Since then, the ball has been rolling and now the stage is set for Winnipeg to be the first home of MarvelLand.
The MarvelLand theme park will include exhibitions, concerts, stage shows, and live performances of the
full Marvel experience. The park will showcase all Marvel characters and will run throughout the summer months every year.
The likes of Hobie McGwire, Jack Hughman, Emily Granite and a few other actors who have worked with the American production company Marvel Entertainment will be making scheduled appearances over the course of the summer.
CHRIS CHRISWORTH
GRAPHIC BY NOT JONDELL
GRAPHIC BY NOT JONDELL
PHOTO BY CHAVRIL KROVIGNE
Winnipeg superhero to get bigbudget Hollywood film adaptation
Marvel’s Snow-Man to be filmed primarily in character’s hometown of Winnipeg
LOR-EL LUTHOR
According to new reports, Marvel Studios’ next big superhero franchise will begin filming in Winnipeg later this year. The film is slated for a winter release in 2017, and will feature one of Marvel’s coolest characters yet: the Winnipeg-born Snow-Man.
The comic inception of Snow-Man dates back to Winnipeg in March 1966 when creator and writer Lee Stanley, while visiting relatives in the city, accidentally found himself caught up in one of the largest blizzards Winnipeg had ever seen and
was trapped inside his childhood home with his family for two weeks without power.
The event took a heavy emotional toll on Stanley. Writing frantically one night in the midst of the storm – in what his wife Linda referred to as a “haze of booze mixed with deep self-loathing, while he proclaimed that ‘humanity would never truly understand the extent of its own folly,’” – something magical happened. Snow-Man was born, and three months later, the first issue was published.
Snow-Man’s vast array of powers include invulnerability to fatally cold temperatures, a lasting (and quite frankly, delusional) hope that “spring is just around the corner,” and the ability to spout off colourful and creative profanities on his morning commute while swerving to avoid the massive pot holes left in winter’s wake.
Snow-Man’s most defining character trait is an unwavering bitterness towards anyone residing in Toronto or Vancouver who consider anything below 0 degrees Celsius to be “cold.”
Reviews of the early series were tepid with reviewers calling the first issue “atrocious” and “a bizarre fever dream, perhaps influenced by the author’s delirium from not having left his house for two weeks straight.”
Indeed, that first comic was to serve as both Snow-Man’s grand debut and swan song. Following its release, the character would remain buried for over 49 years after Marvel literally tried to bury every single known copy of the comic in a New Mexico landfill. Fate, however, had other plans for our hero.
Last year, local Winnipeg film executives caught wind of the character’s existence from one of Lee Stanley’s leaked prison letters to his
pen pal Ditto Stevens, and following millions of tax dollars spent excavating the New Mexico site, the executives finally unearthed Winnipeg’s lost hero.
In a move that some have referred to as “definitely blackmail,” the Winnipeg executives eventually managed to convince Marvel of SnowMan’s cinematic potential and the rest, as they say, is history.
The film’s director Garry Durbano is reportedly confident that, despite Snow-Man’s somewhat obscure origins, the film will undoubtedly please audiences worldwide and put the great city of Winnipeg on the map.
Snow-Man will be storming into a theatre near you in winter of 2017.
GRAPHIC BY PACKSON JOLLOCK
Tom Brady’s rings stolen: Peyton Manning the prime suspect
More drama from the NFL following Monday night break-in at Brady’s residence
PARTOV FLOWERS, STAFF
Late Monday night, reports came out of Foxborough, Mass. that New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s house had been robbed. Police reports indicated that Brady’s four Super Bowl rings were the only items missing from the site. Brady’s agent immediately took to Twitter and to accuse recently retired quar-
terback Peyton Manning.
We all know of the rivalry between these two, but to think that Manning would go and steal Brady’s rings right after winning one of his own definitely seems outlandish. Apparently, however, it may be true.
“We believe that Manning is the perpetrator,” said Boston chief of
police Stan Donut. “There have been many rumours out there that we have to take seriously.”
The news came as a shock, as many see Manning as a lovable, all-American quarterback who would never do such a thing.
“There is some substance to these rumours,” Donut said. “Peyton
Manning is our top suspect and we will pursue our leads.”
Brady himself was too distraught to speak to the media on Tuesday but a spokesperson said that Brady will stop at nothing to get his rings back.
“Tom is very upset about this whole ordeal,” spokesman Ball De Flatey said. “He worked very hard to get those rings.”
Manning’s party declined to comment. However, a close friend of his said Manning has a solid alibi.
“Peyton was out drinking Budweisers with his friends at a Papa John’s in Denver,” the unnamed friend said. “He just wanted to celebrate his Super Bowl win.”
Heading in the right direction
NFL head, neck, and spine committee passes unanimous motion to remove helmets from the game
BEEZUS
YEEZUS, STAFF
This past week, the NFL head, neck, and spine committee passed a monumental motion which will see helmets removed from the game for the upcoming season.
The decision, according to chairperson Herman Merman, was years in the making.
“We’ve been trying to get the ball rolling on this motion for at least five years,” Merman said. “It’s a huge relief to see it finally get the green light.”
When asked what the rationale was for the change in equipment,
Merman stated, “This way, it will be much easier to identify head injuries. We as a committee felt that helmets were simply convoluting the process and now there will no longer be any questions as to whether or not someone has a concussion.”
cussion-like symptoms. According to Merman, the test was a massive success.
any longer,” Merman said.
“Once the other leagues see the impact that the change has had, I’m completely confident that they’ll do the same” – Herman Merman
The NFL tested out the new regulation in a trial yesterday. Four teams participated and there were a whopping 48 players diagnosed with con-
“For decades, the league has struggled to admit that concussions are a problem. Based on the findings from our trial, this shouldn’t be an issue
Feedback from the players also appeared to be positive. Fern Noggin, a nose tackle with the Pittsburgh Steelers, was one of the individuals diagnosed with concussion-like symptoms after the trial, but still had nothing but good things to say about the change.
“I can see clearly now – the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in the
way,” Noggin said, before spinning around in a circle three times and passing out.
When asked what Merman’s thoughts were on potentially removing helmets from other leagues, such as the NHL, he said, “it’s only a matter of time.”
“Once the other leagues see the impact that the change has had, I’m completely confident that they’ll do the same,” Merman said.
PHOTO BY CHAVRIL KOVIGNE
Italian Soccer Association passes motion to replace soccer balls with meatballs
The game of soccer takes a culinary turn
PARTOV FLOWERS, STAFF
In a press conference on Tuesday it was announced that the Italian Soccer Association (ISA) would do away with conventional soccer balls and replace them with meatballs.
“We just have so many of them here in Italy,” said Luca Macaroni, president of the ISA. “It made the most sense financially to go ahead with this decision.”
It was a unanimous vote, with all members of the executive committee agreeing to go ahead and make the switch from soccer balls to meatballs.
“We were all in agreement,” Macaroni said. “It was not a hard
motion to pass, as everyone seemed to be licking their lips at the idea.”
A tasty prospect indeed, the rule will be put in place for the upcoming season across all leagues in Italy. This new rule also allows for teams to cook up and supply their own meatballs.
“We think this will be the best way to see who is the best at not only making meatballs, but playing with them as well,” Macaroni said.
Fans should be delighted with this new rule, as unlike with conventional soccer balls, any ball kicked into the stands is free for them to consume.
“This will really increase fan
attendance in the lower divisions,” Macaroni said. “It might be a bit of a mess to get hit by one, but that’s really going to be part of the fun of it.”
The Italians believe they are taking a big step forward with this decision and it will be an interesting story to follow next season. The Italians are known for their exquisite meatballs, but the Swedes are not too far behind with their own.
Chrystal Clear: Denying the opposition both on and off the field
Bisons goaltender firmly focused on soccer and nothing else
BEEZUS
This past season was a memorable one for Chrystal Clear, as the fourth-year netminder posted the league’s top save percentage and was named conference MVP. Her 12-2 record was also the best in the Canada West. Teams had immense difficulty getting the ball past her this season, but what was even more difficult was getting to know the woman behind the jersey.
It’s not difficult to figure out why Clear decided to play goalie, as it appears she has tremendous experience in shutting people down.
Inquiring about what the future holds for Clear was also a useless question, as she ducked around any non-soccer related questions and instead reverted back to the pitch.
“I just want to be the best that I can at my position and hopefully go as far as possible in the sport.
Ideally I’d like to make it to the pros in a few years,” Clear said.
Attempting to determine Clear’s other hobbies also resulted in a dead end. She refused to open up to the subject.
“I’m pretty dead set on my train-
ing. It’s a six-day a week schedule and doesn’t leave me much time for anything else. I can’t be bogged down by other distractions,” Clear said.
“I’m looking forward to putting in more work this offseason and doing my absolute best to further this team’s success in 2016-17.”
Clear is a take-no-nonsense individual whose one and only love is soccer. For her coaching staff and teammates, it’s a blessing, but for others, it’s an unfortunate curse.
My Messi will go on
Sepp Blatter sinks FIFA cruise
ship
TAI CHUNG, STAFF
FIFA recently launched a cruise ship to serve its finest members. The ship was a spectacle, especially to Chelsea fans, since it was designed to honour Blues defender Branislav Ivanovic. Unfortunately, the ship began to sink after sustaining extensive bite marks from Luis Suarez.
The RMS FIFA was quickly approaching its watery fate under guidance of ship captain Sepp Blatter. It did not help the situation that during the emergency, Blatter demanded to take Lionel Messi into a first-class suite to draw him like one of his French girls.
Before everyone evacuated the ship, Blatter had to free German goalkeeper Manuel Neuer from the ship’s prison. Neuer had been arrested for burglary in many of the suites, making victims out of Wayne Rooney, Gonzalo Higuain, and Cristiano Ronaldo. As it turned out, robbing strikers was a specialty of his.
As the ship began breaking in
half, fingers were pointed at Arsene Wenger for not hiring the best chief executive of emergencies. Wenger tried to convince everyone that he could have signed the best in the world. Instead, he overpaid for a kid no one had ever heard of.
As Blatter lay upon a piece of driftwood from the dismantled RMS FIFA, he had Messi hanging on by his side. Little that Blatter knew, Messi was drowning – his four Ballon D’Or trophies weighing him down. However, Messi’s life was eventually saved, with Xavi and Iniesta there to assist.
Part of the Barcelona squad showed up in a lifeboat, and were ready to jump into the water to hand Messi a life jacket. Sergio Busquets dove first. Neymar was splashed gently by a wave of water and began to have seizures.
Before Messi climbed into the boat, Blatter gave Messi’s Golden Balls a kiss and whispered, “I’ll never let go.”
