Joke 1 April 2015

CFS trademarks ‘student movement’

UMSU ends up UM-sued after hosting student activist night

Dwig HT Dori T e

The Canadian Federation of Students is taking the University of Manitoba Students’ Union to court this week over an alleged copyright infringement.

The Canadian Federation of Students (CFS) claims that they trademarked the term “student movement” back in 1989 and that the union cannot use the term without the express permission of the CFS. Under the Copyright Act, the CFS trademarked the term, giving them full ownership over the expression “student movement” in any context.

Last Friday, the University of Manitoba Students’ Union (UMSU) presented “A Night for Action” originally titled “Student Movement Night,” a meet-up held at the Hub from 5-9 p.m. for student activists on campus.

University of Manitoba Students’ Union president Jeremy Trudeau and

vice-president social justice Becky Koolkat told the Manitoban that they changed the name immediately once they realized their error – but not before the CFS filed a complaint against UMSU.

“‘Student movement’ is the first in a long line of trademarking. The next in line is ‘solidarity,’ then ‘resistance,’ and soon students will have to request our permission to protest” – Bartholomew Meow, CFS staffer

Trudeau announced to students in attendance at the activist meet-up that UMSU was “not going to take a stand on anything, we’re just here to generate and facilitate discussion,”

adding that he was honoured to host “a great outlet for students to release their radical energies.”

When asked if they would be taking stances in solidarity with students on any front, Trudeau maintained that UMSU will remain neutral on all issues, even, as he called it, CFS’s initiative to “effectively monetize the intellectual property of the student struggle.”

Trudeau told the Manitoban that UMSU had contacted CFS immediately upon realizing their mistake, saying that they had not received email communication back from CFS, but that UMSU did receive a package in the mail. That package included a stack of legal documents pertaining to the lawsuit against them, and a CFS hat.

The Canadian Federation of Students said that they have yet to receive correspondence from UMSU.

“We informed UMSU about the copyright infringement upon their violation of the Copyright Act,” said CFS staffer Bartholomew Meow, refusing to comment on the package received by UMSU.

Engineering dean pulls ‘penis’ out

of entry requirements

Both groups maintained that the other one was “it” in the game of professional phone tag.

“‘Student movement’ is the first in a long line of trademarking. The next in line is ‘solidarity,’ then ‘resistance,’ and soon students will have to request our permission to protest because all forms of protest will be patented,” Meow said. “We’re dedicated to protecting our members’ rights.”

Faculty of engineering applicants must meet grade and tuition requirements, no longer measured in inches upon entry

The faculty of engineering dean just pulled “penis” out of the admission requirements for entrance into the engineering program at the University of Manitoba.

“We have officially dropped the D requirement,” said Weakké Resistor, dean of engineering at the U of M.

“Women are currently underrepresented in the faculty. We can’t be irrational here. I’m positive. And I’m taking charge. This needs to change.”

Resistor told the Manitoban that he did not resist making the decision, arguing that officially removing penis from the list of entry requirements will significantly boost the represen-

tation of women in the faculty.

“I’m a feminist,” he said.

“Women deserve to have the same educational opportunities as men. That human right should not require having a penis. Just privilege and money.”

In terms of the fees charged to both men and women who apply to the program, rates would remain equally charged to each counterpart.

Some students from outside of the faculty told the Manitoban that they approve of the decision.

“I’m proud to attend a university that is willing to break gender boundaries,” said Frieda Kroger, a thirdyear fine arts student, adding that she hopes to minor in women’s and

gender studies.

“Smash the patriarchy!”

In reaction to the dean’s decision to remove penis from the requirements, some engineering students— all men—said they were less than impressed, and believed that it was not fair that women are being given special consideration in applying for the program.

Others were content with the fact that they likely still had an inherent advantage over women given normalized patterns of socialization in Westernized societies; not limited to daily obstacles of oppression faced by women, and gendered challenges faced by those who enter the profession.

Third-year electrical engineering student Richard Volt told the Manitoban that he was not looking forward to the increased competitiveness.

“This will not only increase the level of competition to get into the faculty, but it will also create an environment of competition between the genders,” he said.

“Men are always trying to outperform others, and now women will have to deal with men trying to steal that spotlight.”

Second-year mechanical engineering student Emily Earheart, recently named co-female president of the University of Manitoba Engineering Society, told the Manitoban that she

stuck “penis” into her application to the faculty three years ago in order to be admitted.

Assiniboine Park Zoo expanding to U of M’s Southwood Lands

Wolves and poisonous animals to take residence

The University of Manitoba has announced its partnership with the Assiniboine Park Zoo on a new development for the U of M’s Southwood Lands.

In a press conference yesterday afternoon, U of M vice-president external Melody Harvest announced that Assiniboine Park Zoo would be expanding, with a new wing being built in the Southwood Lands for 2018.

“We’ve been working for years on reconfiguring the Southwood Lands and when the Winnipeg Zoo approached us, we knew we had to incorporate it into our plans,” Harvest said.

Assiniboine Park Zoo executive director Max Ira echoed Harvest’s excitement.

“We have wanted to open a second zoo location for a while now, and were just shopping around for

the right place. More people will be able to visit the zoo with this second location, which is the most important thing,” Ira said.

When asked which animals will be moving, and how they will adjust to their new surroundings, Ira smiled.

“We’ve decided to move the wolves away from Journey to Churchill [referencing an incident last year in which wolves dug their way into the polar bear exhibit] and bring them to Southwood Lands,” he said.

“The polar bears have adjusted well to the warmth and can now swim in peace.

“The wolves felt too confined by the barriers we had put up, so we’d like to remove any barriers and make theirs an open enclosure,” he explained.

Ira added that a poisonous animal enclosure will be built across from the wolf exhibit.

“All of our most poisonous animals will be included at the new site.”

The university also announced

plans to build a new daycare in between the two exhibits. Harvest said this was part of the university’s effort, outlined in their strategic plan, to integrate components of the campus.

“Children will be able to go out and look, and learn from, the animals. But not just children. Of course we hope to involve students in the new services available on the Fort Garry campus,” Harvest said.

Harvest told the Manitoban that the university was in the early stages of developing a universal petting pass which would see a $60 fee tacked on to student tuition and allow students to pet animals in the zoo as often as they wanted.

Construction is expected to begin in early 2016, and the wing should open in fall 2018.

Winnipeg psychic fair cancelled

Participants say ‘no point’ in attending, as they already know how it turns out

T H eresa Pal M

Aconvention of Winnipeg psychics has been cancelled due to widespread complaints from attendees that they already know how it turns out. The Winnipeg Psychic Fair, which had been set to run from April 2-5, announced this morning that the event would be placed on indefinite hiatus due to lack of interest.

A number of Winnipeg psychics expressed waning enthusiasm for the

event.

“There’s no point, really,” said Romelia Leaton, a North End resident who specializes in tarot and palmistry. “I consulted the spirits weeks ago and already know how all the good panels end up. I won’t make much money as a vendor, and I’ve already caught up with all the friends I was going to meet at the convention.”

Leaton cancelled her membership for this year, citing financial concerns.

“Ever since 2008, there’s just been so much competition. I can’t get any

business,” Leaton said, referring to Winnipeg’s repeal in 2008 of a bylaw requiring psychics to be licensed by the city.

“I really have to think hard about my priorities in these tough economic times.”

Lucius van Buren, who holds private seances in the basement of a disreputable-looking house on Bannatyne Avenue, decided not to attend the event due to health concerns.

“I read the entrails of several spar-

rows, and they all agreed that I was going to have a heart attack on the Saturday after eating a hefty lunch and climbing a long staircase,” van Buren said.

“So I said, ‘screw it.’ Who needs the stress?”

Aphetrix the Mysterious, the ageless arch-fiend who acts as head organizer and CEO of the convention, lamented the loss of face-to-face contact between Winnipeg’s occult community.

“It used to be that we’d all get

University cancels budget cuts

Activism saves departmental allocations

sUMM eg a i wi TH files fro M sT even vons C issor H an D s

Student protestors have successfully stopped budget cuts at the University of Manitoba.

The administration informed the Manitoban that projected cuts of three to four per cent would not be happening this year.

“We hadn’t realized people wouldn’t like cuts,” said Dan Johnson, U of M spokesperson. “After we saw

everyone’s signs, and heard their clever chants, what choice did we have?”

Asked how the funding deficit had been overcome, Johnson said that the good will and activism of students were more than enough to make up for the provincial government’s dumbfuckery.

The news came as a surprise to the upstart Student Action Network, a campus group focused on preventing

the budget cuts.

At least one member was distraught, heard saying, “We’ll have to find something else to protest.”

together once a year, have a few drinks, shoot the shit, and participate in dark rituals whose names must not be spoken aloud. But now everyone’s buried in their crystal balls and you never get a chance to really talk,” Aphetrix said.

The future of the convention is uncertain, but for the time being it looks bleak, Aphetrix added. His howls and shrieks of maddening despair were audible for miles around, reportedly driving many sensitive mortals out of their minds.

U1 student found in tunnels

Stafford the fourth first-year student to go missing since 2007

M U rv Berkley

AUniversity 1 student was found last week in the tunnels between the Wallace and Parker buildings, on the outskirts of the science complex, after having gone missing in early September.

Jeremy Stafford, who turned 19 in February, was found in the halls by Security Services personnel, who were investigating reports of someone stealing from a vending machine.

Stafford told the Manitoban he survived off of scraps left by students for months after becoming lost on the way to class.

“I had a class in St. Paul’s,” said Stafford. “I just thought I’d take the tunnels. I never thought this would happen.”

“I had no idea where I was. I tried following groups of people but it never seemed to lead anywhere. Eventually I learned to live in the tunnels.”

Margaret Stafford, Jeremy’s mother, said that she and her husband had not realized Jeremy was missing until he was escorted home by police.

“We didn’t see him, but we just thought he was busy studying. We got a letter from the university congratulating Jeremy for making honour roll. He got an A+ in Mathematics in Art” – Margaret Stafford, mother of missing student

“We didn’t see him, but we just thought he was busy studying,” she said.

“We got a letter from the university congratulating Jeremy for making honour roll. He got an A+ in Mathematics in Art.”

Although he vowed not to use

the tunnels again, Stafford said he planned on continuing his education next year and that he had been accepted into the faculty of arts.

“I didn’t even apply,” said Stafford. “It seems like a good fit, though.”

Stafford is the fourth university one student to go missing in the tunnels since 2007 and only the third to be found. Lacy Peters, the one outstanding student, went missing between Drake Centre and Tier Building sometime in 2009. Although she has yet to be retrieved, she has since completed a degree in recreation management and community development.

Security Services confirm they have been tracking her for some time.

“We’ll get her sooner or later,” said Bruce Cunningham, a member of the security team tasked with locating lost university one students.

“Every once in a while she comes out to bite a passerby. When she does we’ll net her, get her out of there, and give Peters her diploma.”

Asper School stands by satanic rituals

Asper School plans to continue bi-annual sacrifice of U1 students

r i Co Dia B lo, staff

Despite facing public outcry from adjacent faculties and numerous students on campus, representatives from the University of Manitoba’s award-winning business faculty, the Asper school of business, informed the Manitoban last week that the faculty has no intention of discontinuing their frequent sacrifice of university one students to appease their dark lord and master, Lucifer.

“It just doesn’t make for a good environment,” said Michael Saint, a business student in his second year at Asper.

same year. We’ve experienced exponential growth in the amount of students wishing to enrol with us – even when you discount all the ones we had to offer to our dark lord,” he said, as he proceeded to eviscerate a goat before a shocked reporter and several unfazed onlookers.

“The overall GPA of the faculty has been on a steady climb for the past five years. Who do you think is responsible? Hail Lucifer, praise be unto our dark lord.”

“How am I supposed to study with all the screaming and chanting in tongues?

Honestly, I'd be happy if they just kept it out of the hallways” - Michael Saint, second-year business student

“First off, it’s extremely loud. I’ve got three finals next week; how am I supposed to study with all that screaming and chanting in tongues? Honestly, I’d be happy if they just kept it out of the hallways.”

Vélay Notan, chief spiritual initiatives director at the Asper school of business, defended the faculty’s ritualistic practice when interviewed by the Manitoban

“The fact of the matter is that it has paid dividends for the faculty. Look – Asper students did great at the 201 Stu Clark Investment Competition; we took first place at JDC West the

University one students are reportedly lured to Asper at their bachelor of commerce luncheon, where faculty members and alumni claim they have been planting satanic messages in their introductory speeches for years.

“If you play the audio transcripts we’ve kept from those speeches backwards, you could pretty much find the entire Satanic Bible in there,” said Alan Crowley, a fourth-year business student.

“We do a little brainwashing at the luncheon. Then, once the university one students are all compliant and stoked about Asper School, we get ’em on Buddy Day. I mean, it says right on the website, ‘it all ends at a big bad barbecue. What did you think that was supposed to mean?”

A moral crisis

Setting an example for proper academic conduct

As a professor of ethics, I’ve spent years studying the complex moral implications of social issues. And with exam period coming up, there’s one facing Canadian universities that must be addressed.

Universities across Canada face a moral crisis. Students are cheating on assignments and exams in the hopes of raising their marks, giving them an unfair advantage over other students, and effectively cheating themselves out of a real education. They hope to boost their grades in order to get ahead or cheat their way out of failing altogether. What really happens is that cheating students aren’t forced to work as hard as they need to in order to achieve high grades and never face the adversity of failing a course that they’ve been blowing off.

Instead of developing as individuals, experiencing emotional and intellectual growth, a generation of

young people is being set up for disappointment. As a society we have a responsibility to right that ship.

We need to demonstrate the high ethical standards of our society. And that means killing any student we find cheating

We need to demonstrate the high ethical standards of our society. And that means killing any student we find cheating. Cyanide injections to anyone who looks up answers on their cellphone during an examination; a firing squad for any student caught peeking over a peer’s shoulder; and

Dear Mark

electrocution to any student who’s found to be plagiarizing an assignment. Sometimes students make mistakes with plagiarizing upon first entering the university. They might not recognize that inadequate citation is in fact a form of plagiarism. In cases like this, execution would be disproportionate. As such, we should restrict ourselves to cutting off their right hand. We need to do this for the students. No amount of care is too much

when it comes to the education of our young people.

Gail Newman, associate professor of ethics

Advice in love and life from one who knows both

Mark a ., staff

My boyfriend has grown distant recently; he doesn’t always return my texts and if I suggest going out he’ll just say, “I’m busy,” and nothing else. I think he might be cheating on me. What should I do?

—Neglected

Dear Neglected,

Some things are naturally done by some kinds of persons; it is a matter of necessity; and if a man will not have it so, he will not allow a fig tree to have juice. But bear this firmly in mind, that within a very short time both you and he will be dead; and soon not even your names will be left behind.

My girlfriend dumped me last week and when I was drunk and sad I swiped right for a girl on Tinder who I realized upon sobering up is not at all attractive. How do I get out of it?

—Regretful

Dear Regretful,

Let that part of your soul which leads and governs be undisturbed by motions of the flesh, whether of pleasure or of pain; let it not mingle with them, but let it set a wall around itself and keep those emotions in their

place. But when the emotions rise up to the mind by virtue of the sympathy that naturally exists in a body which is all one, then you must not strive to resist the feeling, for it is natural: but let not your ruling part add to the feeling the opinion that it is good or bad.

I’ve been dating the same girl since high school and she’s great, but the other night at the bar I met a really hot girl and I took her home with me. We hooked up and it was amazing. I’m considering breaking up with my girlfriend for her, but am scared to leave such a long relationship. What do I do?

—Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

Of every action ask yourself, “What does this mean to me? Shall I repent it?” A little time and I am dead, and all is gone. What more do I seek, if what I am now doing is the work of an intelligent and social being, and one who is under the same law with God?

My boyfriend’s family is Evangelical Christian, and I’m a Buddhist. Every time I visit for dinner they try to convert me. What do I do?

—Pressured

Dear Pressured,

Think often of the speed with which things pass and disappear, both the things which are and the things which are being produced. For matter is like a river in a continual flow, and the activities of things are constantly shifting, and the causes work in infinite varieties; there is hardly anything which stands still. And consider this which stands near you, this boundless abyss of the past and the future in which all things disappear. Why then is he not a fool who is puffed up over such things or plagued about them, making himself miserable? For they vex him only for a time, and a very short time.

I’ve been dating this guy for about a year now, and he recently got into BDSM and wants to use whips and paddles in the bedroom. I know it’s really important to him, but I don’t like pain. What do I do?

—Ambivalent Kinkster

Dear Ambivalent,

Take away your opinion, and there is taken away the complaint, “I have been hurt.” Take away the complaint, “I have been hurt,” and the hurt is gone.

My boyfriend of five years broke up with me for another guy. What do I do?

—Deserted

Dear Deserted,

You have been a citizen in this great state; what difference does it make to you whether for five years or three? The same as if

a praetor who has employed an actor dismisses him from the stage. “But I have not finished the five acts, but only three of them.” Good, but in life the three acts are the whole drama. For what shall constitute a complete drama is determined by him who first caused its composition, and now its dissolution – but you are the cause of neither. Depart then serenely, for he who releases you is also serene.

Have problems of your own?

Want help? Send a message to letters@themanitoban.com and Mark A. will do what he can.

Product flies off shelves across Canada

H U g H Jass, staff

Beztwayz, one of the world’s largest pharmaceutical corporations, has seen a 150 per cent profit in the first quarter of 2015 since their new Vilad suppository product hit shelves last December.

The new product fills in the gap that many pain relievers have missed. Traditional Vilad is marketed with the promise to help relieve inflammation and pain caused by headache, toothache, arthritis, or back pain.

The Vilad suppository, being sold on the shelf as “Vilad-Anal Plus,” sells with the promise to help relieve the user of pain resulting from having a stick up their ass, a foot up their ass, or when experiencing a pain in the ass of any variety.

“We saw there was a missing product for this specific ailment, which

affects 95 per cent of adults in Canada and the U.S.,” said Ben Dover, a Pfizer pharmaceutical representative.

“Customers may seem hesitant to try the product at first, but once they’ve gotten over the initial uncertainty regarding the method of delivery, they realize that Vilad-Anal Plus relieves rectal pain quicker, and more effectively, than traditional pain relief methods. Sales alone have shown that customers are pleased with this product, and that ass pain is prevalent in the North American market.”

Vilad-Anal Plus comes in several varieties, including gel suppository, pre-lubed suppository, and extrastrength-extra-length suppository.

“So far, the pre-lubed suppository has been our bestseller,” said Dover. Health Sciences proctologist Al DePantzeu said that rectal pain is a much more common problem than

most people realize.

“I see several patients every day who come to my office complaining about rectal pain,” DePantzeu told the Manitoban. “Quite often the pain is temporary, but frequent, especially for individuals with kids, who are in a long-term relationship, or have a boss.”

Before Vilad-Anal Plus suppositories, DePantzeau had to send patients away only with advice on stretching every morning right after waking up.

“Unfortunately, for the type of rectal pain these patients are seeing me with, the only solution was to prepare themselves for the pain ahead by gently stretching their buttocks, preferably before their kids or spouses woke up, or before arriving at work,” said DePantzeu.

“Now I can just send them home with a bottle of Vilad-Anal Plus.”

Anna Linjection, a 35-year-old mother of two who has been married for seven years, told the Manitoban that Vilad-Anal Plus has changed her life.

“I honestly didn’t even realize this was a product I even needed. I used to just get up every day and deal with the pain the best I could. Being a mother of two young sons, and being married to a man who can’t put the toilet seat down, or take out the garbage, or acknowledge that parenting is a thing, you get kind of used to the pain in the ass of everyday life,” said Linjection.

Ben Dover said that he expects Pfizer will take its new product overseas by the end of the year.

U of M researcher reverses aging and achieves immortality

Jo H n Ti Tor, staff

Amajor breakthrough in stem cell research has occurred thanks to University of Manitoba professor Alex Jennings.

Since the beginning of time, humankind has longed for immortality. If we are able to reverse aging, we may be able to live forever.

It turns out that Ponce de León’s Fountain of Youth is found not in Florida, but within the cells of our

own bodies.

A large obstacle faced when attempting to use stem cells for therapeutic purposes is rejection by the patient’s immune system. Recent advances in stem cell technology like induced pluripotent stem cells have allowed researchers to bypass this problem. By developing stem cells from normal body cells, there is no worry for immuno-rejection, since the immune system still sees these cells as “elf.”

The Jennings group has taken induced pluripotent stem cell technology one step further. They have developed a new stem cell technology named baby-inducing pluripotent stem cells (biPSCs).

In a controversial and ethically questionable application of this technology, professor Jennings has been

receiving biPSC injections based on cells derived from his own body.

The 65-year-old professor has been described by his fellow faculty members as, “basically a mix between Hugh Laurie’s character Dr. Gregory House and Doc Brown from Back to the Future, except without any of the brilliance, good looks, creative thinking, or normal hygiene”; “less socially acceptable in his old age”; “kind of like a waking manifestation of drinking orange juice immediately after brushing his teeth”; and “an embarrassment.”

“I regret coming to this school,” wrote Jennings in his lab journal shortly before stumbling upon the breakthrough of his career. “Dammit, do I regret coming to this school.”

Jennings has been quite critical on the U of M’s decision to exclude him from the prestigious stem cell-based Regenerative Medicine program.

“They say ‘baby stem cells aren’t a real thing.’ They say that ‘you can’t teach drunk,’” Jennings told the Manitoban earlier this year. “I’ll show them.”

Stem cell breakthrough of the millennium Vilad suppositories new bestseller

“Rectal pain is a human problem,” said Dover. “Its reach is global, and we intend on getting our hand as deep into the market as possible.”

The Manitoban recommends speaking to your doctor about any reoccurring anal pain and to see if Vilad-Anal Plus is right for you.

It appears that Jennings received these biPSC injections so that he could have a redo on his life.

Jennings’ dream has become a reality. Through his biPSC injections, professor Jennings has achieved immortality.

Professor Jennings has been transformed into an immortal baby.

“We have all heard of the therapeutic usage of stem cells sourced from embryos,” said Katherine Deckard, a PhD student in Jennings’ lab. “But our biPSC technology allows us to transform the patient into a late-stage fetus. You are literally born like 15 minutes after the conversion.”

Now is the age of the immortal professor-baby.

“Good luck getting rid of me now,” said Jennings at the press release last week. “I have tenure.”

Instead of being remembered in history as the first immortal human being, he will remember all of our future history.

In his immortality, Jennings will bear witness to all of the horrible things that society will be faced with

as we continue to neglect social issues like inequality and scientific issues like climate change and antibiotic resistance.

It is likely that Jennings will act as the ambassador for the human race as we move forward. This is a huge burden for any one baby-man to carry; however, if anyone can do it, it is Alex Jennings.

Remarkably, his demeanour has remained unchanged. Baby-Jennings is as much of misanthrope and burden on society as he was as a 65-yearold man.

This may be one of the most significant discoveries ever made at the U of M.

“I am astounded by the resolve of the Jennings group. They’ve taken a man and turned him into a little manbaby. If that’s not indicative of the power of science, then I don’t know what is,” said some guy, maybe. When asked what his first order of business is as an immortal baby professor, Jennings replied, “I don’t know, maybe cry for five hours straight.” And he did.

A puppy’s tale

Researchers find that puppies need oxygen to survive

a nna M U ll, staff

Researchers have recently discovered the importance of breathable air for the survival of juvenile canis lupus familiaris, known more commonly as puppies.

In a study, published in Nachure, researchers took several breeds of dogs, and placed them in tanks with varying levels of air, or submerged them in pools of water.

Air is the gaseous substance, which is plentiful within the Earth’s atmosphere. The gas is comprised of approximately 21 per cent oxygen, 78 per cent nitrogen, and small amounts of argon, carbon dioxide, and methane.

Through this experiment, researchers wished to find out if puppies could be trained to survive with

little to no air. No previous literature with this information exists.

“This kind of information can help us in a lot of ways,” said researcher Doug Graves of the Hartlass Research Institute in Toronto.

“We’re going to start seeing a rapid depletion of air in the next century,” said Graves. “Currently, the human population is set to top at approximately eight billion by 2050. With that many people breathing at once, we need to start finding innovative ways to use less air.”

Graves’ theory had suggested that an increase in the human population would result in an increase in the dog population.

“Dogs are man’s best friends, after all. More people means more dogs,” said Graves, while holding a puppy over a pool of water. “I had estimated

we could cut the world’s oxygen consumption in half by training dogs to live off of less air. That’s what the experiment had set out to prove.”

What Graves’ research revealed instead was that puppies require roughly the same amount of oxygen as humans.

“Our results showed that puppies could not adapt to environments with low or no air present, no matter how early in their life they were introduced to such an environment. Survival in low-air conditions was independent of how many treats were provided to encourage the puppy,” he said.

The experiment was performed on 20 puppies, ranging from one week to three months old. Additionally, several breeds were selected to see if any of them were particularly adaptable to low-air environments. One control

You are what you eat

Studies show that auto-cannibalism is the norm

Jo H n Ti Tor, staff

You are what you eat.

That’s how the old saying goes. But does this claim pass scientific muster?

Researchers from the University of Manitoba’s faculty of agriculture and food sciences have come across a startling discovery.

In their study, the researchers gave 60 male and 60 female U of M students specific samples of food three times a day for one week. One group received meals composed of broccoli while the other group received meals of bacon and pork chops.

The organisms the food was sourced from were supplemented with RNA molecules through a process known as RNA interference. The goal of the RNA interference was to remove some of the major nutrients found in the two food groups.

The group intended to see how this technique affected the dietary characteristics of the two foods.

After the week was up, the researchers took blood samples to do routine biochemical analyses – they checked for things like cholesterol, hormones, and blood sugar. As part of a routine protocol, a blood smear was analyzed by microscopy for quality control.

What they found under the microscope shocked them.

The red blood cells of the broccoli group students had elongated cytoplasm that resembled little stalks.

Meanwhile, the red blood cells from the bacon students had membrane extensions that almost looked like floppy ears and their primary cilia started to curl into a tail-like

structure.

The group decided to monitor the red blood cells of the patients with the hypothesis that the RNA interference messed up their insides. Eventually the blood cells from the two samples resembled fullblown broccoli florets and little pigs. The broccoli-shaped red blood cells were not very exciting to observe, but the pig-shaped red blood cells were occasionally seen running along the endothelium of the students’ red blood vessels.

Remarkably, none of the students experienced any negative side effects for the first few months of this condition.

Three months after the beginning of the study, one of the students from the broccoli group, who has requested to remain unidentified, collapsed in her Food: Facts and Fallacies class.

She was rushed to Victoria General Hospital. Shortly after arriving at the hospital, all of her hair fell out, revealing little broccoli florets growing out of her scalp.

All of the other students from the broccoli group experienced similar episodes.

One member of the bacon group, Asper school of business student Graham Clifton, was in class when he noticed that his chair suddenly became uncomfortable. Assuming it was nothing, Clifton carried on with the rest of his day in mild discomfort.

When Clifton arrived home he hopped into the shower. That was when he was noticed a curly appendage growing out of his tailbone.

“I was in so much distress I started oinking,” Clifton told the Manitoban

puppy was selected, which remained in a normal air environment.

In the experiment, the puppies were placed in tanks with air concentrations between zero to five per cent, including some tanks filled with water.

“We did find that smaller, yippy dogs survived the longest in lowair environments, possibly because they have adapted to spending more time barking than breathing,” said Graves. “The Chihuahua seemed to be the most adaptable, although

not enough so that we would say the result was positive.”

Graves said he intends on continuing to seek solutions to the world air supply problem by moving on and testing other common pets for lowto-no air adaptability.

“Kittens – I think kittens will prove to be more viable under low-to-no-air conditions. I don’t think they breathe much to begin with, and many people have kittens as pets.”

Graves’ next experiment is set to begin later this month.

“I knew something was up then. I haven’t oinked since my Babe phase.”

Just like with the broccoli group, all of the students from the bacon group went through similar experiences shortly after Clifton. Their conditions have only worsened since the initial changes.

The students from the broccoli group resemble bunches of broccoli more than they do humans these days. The pig students fare no better. The U of M has installed a sty in Duckworth Quad for these unfortunate students.

“I am at my wit’s end,” said Clifton. “Before all of this happened I loved eating bacon. It was probably my favourite food.”

Now Clifton cannot consume bacon without feeling remorse.

“My bacon-eating sessions have gone from my sanctuary of peace to some twisted ritual of auto-cannibalism. I reluctantly eat as I feel like a part of me is lost with every bite.

“I’m a goddamn pig, I mean look at me! I am eating my own kind and I cannot stop,” said Clifton.

The broccoli students don’t appear to show the same amount of remorse as Clifton and the other pig students. In fact, they seem to have lost all concept of empathy altogether.

“I don’t care one way or the other,” said Zooey Detwiler. “I mean, broccoli doesn’t have feelings. It’s a vegetable.”

UMSueShe rolls out, screams authenticity

Craft sushi slinger sticks to its sticky rice roots

Iconsider myself a man of discerning tastes. I strive to support local businesses and purchase quality, authentic goods. A fine craft beer like Lücky Láger, an artisan crafted pair of Oâkley sunglasses, or an heirloom Āffliction dress shirt –this is the life of a modern man with high standards, such as myself.

I was titillated with the offer of getting to sample the regal food offered at the UMSueShe restaurant on the third floor of University Centre on UMSue Street. UMSueShe prides itself on offering over 50 different rolls—all prepared in-house by chef Jiro Ono—with surgeon-like precision given to ensure impeccable taste, texture, and presentation.

Some of our plebeian readers may not be aware of the rich history and vast culture that root sushi’s magnificent past.

Sushi began at the Minnesota State Fair in 1953. A young woman by the name of Susan Priestly presented the dish at the fair and it became an instant hit. Her rolls consisted of fresh unagi (Japanese for seaweed), traditional basmati rice, and cooked chicken. She sold them under the name: Sue’s rolls. She patented the roll in October of that year – U.S. patent number WO1997002778 A1.

It was not long after that that restaurants around the Midwest started popping up selling a similar product to Sue’s rolls. Priestly took a combative stance towards this and attempted to take many of the restaurant’s proprietors to court for infringing on her signature dish.

Unfortunately, they had found a loophole – her patent outlined that her rolls were filled with cooked poultry, while the new restaurants featured rolls that consisted of fish

and various other seafood. Because of this, they were able to continue selling their product and Priestly ended up filing for bankruptcy in April of 1960 following multiple failed lawsuits.

Traditional Sue roll purists began referring to this new culinary style as “SueShe” (often stylized as sushi) referring to her legal battles

It was around this time that traditional Sue roll purists began referring to this new culinary style as “SueShe” (often stylized as sushi) in reference to the legal battles. In North America, as well as abroad, it is still considered a culinary faux pas to serve rolls that include a protein source that has been foraged from the sea and not from the land.

Thankfully UMSueShe stays true to tradition, selling authentic Sue Roll roots and not serving any dishes with fish or shrimp.

This is refreshing, as many sushi restaurants around Winnipeg have been gaining popularity by serving non-traditional fish rolls.

It pains the author to report that some restaurants have gone as far as to serve sushi with fish and seafood that has gone uncooked. I personally find this insulting, but find solace in establishments such as Smoxies, URLs, and UMSueShe that choose to honour tradition and serve authen-

tic rolls.

I had the divine pleasure to sample two rolls from UMSueShe, both of which were simply orgasmic.

The first was a traditional chicken teriyaki roll – the flavour, mouth feel, and aroma were all overwhelmingly satisfying. The first bite had the distinct crunch of a teriyaki roll, then I was hit with waves of flavour from the mass produced soy sauce, and finally I was knocked ass backwards by the spicy finish from the Hank’s Red Bought Sauce.

After the holy bliss provided by the chicken teriyaki roll, I cleansed my palate with the provided thinly slicked pickled garlic.

After a short break to compose myself, I dove head first into the beef roll.

As I finished my final bite, I was left a huddled, sweaty mess on my fold-out banquet table. I had looked God in the eyes and he had stared back at me. I had consumed all that was divine and had gone through a transformative experience – both

Local punk band comes out as anti-establishment

Lee and the Sandwich Artists announce they don’t respect authority figures

Dawn Talon

Local punk band Lee and the Sandwich Artists have the local music scene reeling with the release of their new album Distrust Authority, Please The album—which includes songs such as “No, you have detention!” and “Why should I listen to you?”—charts a new direction for the band who had

previously branded themselves as explicitly pro-establishment.

Bass player Katie Olfa said the change in tone was a natural progression for the band.

“A lot has changed since we first recorded in 2009,” she said, referring to the band’s seminal album We Like the Police

“We’ve developed; we’ve changed. Not just musically, but in our politics.

I think you could sort of see that in our second album, with songs like, ‘Not all politicians have your best interests at heart,’ and ‘I’m often uneasy around authority figures,’ but this is sort of the full realization of that.”

Fallout from the announcement has been difficult for the band. The Winnipeg Chamber of Commerce has revoked their membership and

they have been asked not to play at the annual meeting of the Manitoba Young Conservatives.

“It’s hard to lose those connections. Since we started telling people that we were officially anti-establishment we started getting blacklisted. No other punk bands will play with us.

All the bars in town have told us we’re not welcome anymore.”

Lead guitar player Lee Frum told

physically and mentally.

I truly do not know if I will ever reach this peak again, but I can only hope that the same religious experience awaits me the next time I return to UMSueShe.

9 out of 9 stars.

Robert Rooster is Winnipeg’s most critically acclaimed local food critic, self-proclaimed Red Seal chef (with over 10,000 hours of cooking for himself), and the most moving man you will meet over meat.

the Manitoban that despite the stress of the ordeal, he was happy the band was being honest about their feelings.

“It’s a different world. When we realized that as a punk band you could be dismissive of authority, it just changed everything. Sometimes I cross the street when I don’t have the crossing sign now. That’s not something the old Lee Frum would do.”

THE BIBLE: READ IT RIGHT MEOW!

A definitive review of the bestseller

The Bible opens with what is perhaps the most memorable, and the most universal, opening line that will ever be written: “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” It gets you hooked. There are a lot of places that a book can go from there. Where it does go— and how it gets there—is, as someone other than me has said, “the greatest story ever told.” At the very least, the most re-printed story ever told.

The first portion of the book deals with the creation of the world, and its ordering. Mythological elements—some obviously borrowed from very ancient Middle Eastern traditions, but all of them universal themes of human imagination—are implemented with a steady hand. A major flaw in the book, however, is evident even at this early point: if you don’t understand the morality of God, then the rest of the work will strike you as pleasantly as Atlas Shrugged does a New Democrat.

Justifications are not a strong point; you are either the type to listen to a burning bit of shrubbery or you are not.

The section “Psalms” deserves to be singled out for special praise. In a break from the narrative of other chapters, this is a poetic reprise on the power and justice of God introduced in earlier chapters. The imagery is of the highest class; each could easily be read, and appreciated, on its own – if you do not have time for the entire book, I encourage you to do just that.

I do not want to spoil the details, but some shit goes down

It totally makes up for the chapters devoted to Jewish genealogy.

The second section of the book concerns itself with the story of Jesus, who is the Son of God in a manner which will take you 2,000 years and several schisms (supplementary material, not included in the book) to fully understand. Retold four separate times, in slightly different versions, this story is both the dramatic and narrative linchpin of the book, and a bold foray into magic realism. I do not want to spoil the details, but some

shit goes down.

After this, however, the pace slackens; the character of Paul could probably have been cut out or at least given less dialogue. You get the impression that he is the kind of guy that would insist on knowing exactly how many magic missiles God could cast. Without the powerful presence of God or Jesus, one starts to question the motivations of the remaining characters.

The final chapter, “Revelation,” is a sharp departure in tone from the rest of the work. I am not saying the author wrote it on acid [ . . . ] but it reads like a really intense acid trip. A REALLY intense acid trip; like rivers of blood and multi-headed beasts singing on top of lakes of liquid glass acid trip. It is memorable, and slightly confusing.

The Bible ends with the line, “The peace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you.” By the end of the book, you will either know what that means or not; this is not a book (or author) that apologizes for that. Generally, very worth the read.

My God, what is that smell?

Festival of Olfactory Arts's 4th year for smellers of Winnipeg

On May 1-3, Winnipeggers will be treated to some of the greatest and artistically driven smells in modern society. The Festival of Olfactory Arts (FARTS) returns for its fourth year with its focus towards the art of smells. FARTS began in 2012 as a vision between two men, Hubert Skatole and Jason Arsenick. Upon an argument over who smelled better, both came up with the idea to let the public decide, eventually developing into FARTS. The performance art put the two men on display and charged

aromatic aficionados to judge Skatole and Arsenick in a forum-like setting.

“I’ll admit that attendance for the first year of FARTS wasn’t as large and bloated as we would have liked it to be,” FARTS co-founder Skatole explained to the Manitoban

“However, the people who came out really enjoyed how Jason and I

smelled and we knew the idea of the festival could build and swell from there.”

Over the past two years, the festival has been acclaimed for presenting many unique themed “smell tents.”

In 2013, FARTS presented the strawberry scented candles tent. The tent allowed smellers to enjoy the scent of strawberries without being near any actual strawberries.

In 2014, the Belgium waffles tent was presented, giving Winnipeggers a unique cultural waft of a breakfast scent. The tent will be returning for the 2015 year; however, as expected, no Belgium waffles will be available for purchase.

“We don’t want to give people the wrong impression about the ‘Belgium waffle tent,’” explained co-founder Jason Arsenick.

For this year’s celebrity perfume tent, the festival will focusing on fragrances of actor Antonio Banderas.

Known for his role as Puss in Boots in Shrek the Third , Shrek Forever After, and the television short Scared Shrekless, Banderas has taken the olfactory industry by storm since his 1997 release of the perfume Diavolo. Since then, the actor has released of six different colognes, his latest being 2010’s The Secret. The Banderas-focused tent will

be the first time all six colognes will be mixed and presented together in a small, enclosed tent.

The 2015 festival will also be honouring local olfactory icon Scotty Duncan for his contribution to smells in Winnipeg.

“When I’m walking down the street and there’s an aesthetically driven miasma in the air, I know that Scotty Duncan is nearby helping out members of the community and various non-profit organizations,” FARTS board member Anne Osmia told the Manitoban

“Scotty has always just smelled really good.”

In an exclusive interview with the Manitoban , Duncan revealed the secret to his art.

“I shower on a regular basis,” admitted Duncan.

Unfortunately, this year’s festival has sparked large controversy over ticket pricing. Whereas past festivals have been priced at a modest $75 for a three-day pass, this year’s three-day pass starts at over $9,000.

“Due to some undisclosed legal issues regarding my divorce, tickets for the event had to be increased by a smidge,” explained Skatole.

“But it’s definitely still worth it. Trust me.”

20 minutes or less

Local band forms and breaks up within 20-minute jam

r o C ky r ivers

On March 12 at an open mic night, a local band formed and broke up within the span of 20 minutes.

Going simply under the name We’re Going to Try This Out, Guys (WGTTTOG), the band consisted of four musicians from the crowd at the event. After a few beers, the band decided to commandeer a local singer-songwriter’s set halfway through his subpar cover of a Leonard Cohen song.

“I was just getting to the good part too,” explained singer-songwriter McCullough McKinney to the Manitoban

The set list consisted of a jam inspired by the riff from the White Stripes song “Seven Nation Army.” Known for its simplicity, the group brought a new and unique take to the song with both bassist Ronathon Jonathon and guitarist Xerxes Shenandoah not playing the song’s riff properly.

The song also featured fresh lyrics, led by vocalist Gilbert “Nickname” Nitrogen. While the original version by the White Stripes had themes of the military and a “Seven Nation Army,” Nitrogen’s lyrics focused more about his ongoing problems with his

ex-girlfriend Beatrice.

“I always thought the song could have meant so much more if it was talking about Beatrice,” Nitrogen told the Manitoban

This is not the first time Nitrogen has been part of a short-lived band. In 2013, Nitrogen was a part of the trio, Hey Pass Me the Mic, Dave! (HPMTMD). The group consisted of Nitrogen, Nitrogen’s cousin Rudolph, and their mutual friend Dave. The band had been widely acclaimed for their experimental sound, while some people said they had failed to successfully blend aspects of punk, bluegrass, and gospel music together.

Unfortunately, the critics were right and HPMTMD only last 45 minutes.

Seeing WGTTTOG as a bounce back from HPMTMD, Nitrogen grabbed the four nearest musicians and ran to the stage.

For bassist Ronathon Jonathon, his experience with WGTTTOG was confusing.

“All of a sudden, this short, pudgy bald guy comes up to me and says we’re in a band,” explained Jonathon.

“But I was pretty buzzed so I was down for whatever.”

Unfortunately things went south for the newly formed band when lead guitarist Xerxes Shenandoah tried to experiment.

Infinite Jest

“I was tired of clinging to our original sound. We needed to push boundaries outside of playing ‘Seven Nation Army,’” said Shenandoah.

Eyeing drummer Royal Tennenbaum for a rhythm change, Shenandoah attempted to replicate the solo from “Enter Sandman.”

At that point, however, bassist Jonathon was already off-stage.

“I had work in the morning. And we obviously didn’t know what we were doing,” said Jonathon.

“Why are you even reporting this?”

The band abruptly stopped as the three-person audience (including this reporter) stood in sheer disbelief. It was the end of an era.

Who knows what the quartet could have accomplished had they stayed together for a few more hours, or even a day. What if they actually played the riff properly? What other songs could Nitrogen inject with his ex-girlfriend-inspired lyrics?

This reporter can confidently report that they were the next Led Zeppelin.

“I think we’re all disappointed that [WGTTTOG] ended, but just like my high school diploma, all good things must end abruptly,” Nitrogen told the Manitoban

“We were kind of a big deal for that third of an hour.”

A review of David Foster Wallace’s claim to fame

Noted for being a brilliant work of literature depicting the quest for happiness in America, David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest is a gargantuan masterpiece. Wallace effortlessly undulates between styles and themes to create an edgy, darkly witty commentary on what makes us human. Set in an addicts’ halfway house and a tennis academy, Infinite Jest delves into essential questions regarding entertainment and how our desire for entertainment affects our need to connect with others.

Infinite Jest is known for skyrocketing Wallace into fame as a comedic literary genius. It brilliantly showcases Wallace as one of the biggest talents of contemporary literature with his innovative use of language and trademark dark sense of human.

One thing to note, though, is that the book is huge.

Massive.

Larger than Atlas Shrugged, which I found extremely daunting to tackle. The novel is about as thick as my four fingers stacked atop each other, with

its height and width being roughly average for a trade paperback. This masterpiece rings in at roughly 1,000 pages – ouch.

The cover, while upon first glance may appear to merely be a blue gradient, features a beautiful sky, with a single cloud partially covered by the title. “Infinite Jest” seems almost haphazardly scrawled across the front in chartreuse green, all capital font. The lines of text are placed diagonally across the upper two-thirds of the cover, with the letters becoming larger when moving from right to left.

Interestingly, the word “Infinite” is cut off by the edge of the page – as though the word was too infinite to be contained by the cover of the book.

Below the eye-catching title is a significantly smaller white text, stating, “National Bestseller,” once again all in capital letters. The bestseller status of the novel came as no surprise; the hype for the book pre-publication was incredible. Apparently,

Little Brown sent cryptic postcards to publications with teasing notes on them, such as “Infinite Pleasure” or “Infinite Winter.” Infinite Jest was release in February of 1996 and by March, was already in its sixth printing. Underneath, after the byline, this particular edition—printed

in 2006—says, “With a foreword by Dave Eggers,” breaking the allcapital trend illustrated thus far on the cover. Eggers, while writing a reverent introduction to be published in the book, originally conveyed a lesser review of the novel in the San Francisco Chronicle in 1996 when the book was first released.

Moving from the top of the cover to the bottom, the text gets increasingly smaller, ending with a quote from the New York Times : “Uproarious… Infinite Jest shows off Wallace as one of the big talents of his generation, a writer of virtuosic talents who can seemingly do anything.”

The bottle is half full

Charles Smith Wines quench the palate

na H n U f B oos

While most American vineyards are traditionally associated with Napa Valley, self-taught winemaker Charles Smith aims to move this association north.

Smith has an interesting backstory: after moving to Denmark, he spent the next nine years managing various bands, including the Raveonettes, which eventually sparked his passion for wine.

Smith moved to the Pacific Northwest in 1999 to open a small wine shop on Bainbridge Island. On a road trip across Washington, he met a French winemaker in Walla Walla who convinced him to start his own winery. In 2001, Smith released his first wine: the 1999 K Syrah.

Smith then conceptualized and trademarked House Wine before selling it in 2006 to start a new brand – Charles Smith Wines. The new

brand—considered the “Modernist Project”—focuses on wine that can be enjoyed immediately. His innovative project has earned him various “Winemaker of the Year” awards and recognitions.

Charles Smith Wines is known for their edgy takes on classic wines, from the taste down to the label.

The Velvet Devil Merlot—composed of 99 per cent Merlot and one per cent Sauvignon—pairs deliciously with grilled red meat. This wine, true to its name, goes down smooooth. With complex flavours, such as tobacco and cherry combined with spices, this wine is memorable, even when you down the whole bottle yourselff.

Charles Smith Wines also is the maker of my personal fabourite wine: Kung Fu Girl Riesling. Anyone who has ever had the pleasure of joining me for a fancy dinner, or a Tuesday night, knows I am a sucker for white wine.

This beautiful bottle is 100 per cent Riesling grown in Washintson State. This wine pears well with so

many things, particuarlly Thai food or Chinese takeout – which is the best way to drink wine, in my humble opinion. The wine has a crisp, fruity finish, making it an easy drink for the faint of heart and wine enthusiasts alike. White peach aromass are accented by Linden tree and lime leaves, with notes of crushed mineral, making it delicious to the last drop, which I thoroughly enjoyed.

Boom Boom! Syrah is a fun one. A

combination of Syrah and a teeeeeeny bit of Viognier create a really really nice read wine. This wine, being red, pares well with red meet like slowroasted lamb or beef. But I don’t eat red meat, so I will enjoy it all on its lonesome. Rich black cherry with notes of tobaaccco dominate the boddy fo the wine and are followed by a finish of lavender.

Smith’s collection of wine is super diverse, containing lots of edgy wines.

Whether red is your thing, or you prefer to be nice to your carpets with a nice Riesling or Chardonnay, something is available for everyone. Go past that gross strawberry flaboured highschool wine you’ve been buying since your ex dumped you, you were too good for him (and that wine) anyway. Get something worth your while. Or at least not boxed wine, please.

Major fumble

University’s chess team to fill in for the football team after a tragic huddling accident

M U rv Berkley

The University of Manitoba’s chess team is set to fill in for the men’s football team in their next game after the entire football team was incapacitated in a huddling accident.

The accident took place during the semifinal round of an off-season tournament in Vancouver.

The entire team was knocked unconscious when they rushed in for a last minute huddle in their game against the Calgary Dinos.

The Bisons were already in the lead with the score sitting at 36-12. Even with the three touchdowns the Dinos were able to score in the remaining 84 seconds of the game, they were only able to bring the score up to 36-33.

Under a set of obscure, rarely cited CIS football league rules, the Bisons were able to replace their injured players with other Bison athletes. The Bison chess team, who were still in neighbouring Victoria, B.C. after having participated in the 2015 International University Chess Classic tournament, were drafted to fill in.

Phillip Morrissey, new team captain, was optimistic about the team’s chances of winning.

“I think we need to play to our strengths. Use strategy,” said the 110-pound linebacker.

“Sure, we don’t have the size, the muscle, the skill, the training, or a

very clear understanding of the rules, but we have our intelligence!”

The final game will pit the new Bison replacements against the Montréal Carabins, who won the 2014 Vanier Cup.

Coach Barry Tuffman told the Manitoban that although the players were in high spirits, he expected the Montréal Carabins to put up a fight.

“Well we’re gonna go out there and… well, we’re just going to get crushed,” said Tuffman.

“Sure,

we don’t have the size, the muscle, the skill, the training, or a very clear understanding of the rules, but we have our intelligence!” –Phillip Morrissey, new Bison linebacker

“Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking. It’s going to be a train wreck.”

Extra medics will be on hand for the game, which is scheduled to start today, at 6 p.m.

The Carabins are hosting a pregame victory party at 4 p.m.

A day in the life of the Manitoban

What happens when the paper and the Jets go Frolik-ing around

r eev U s Jeev U s

The Manitoban recently sat down with a few Winnipeg Jets players for an interview.

Tobias Enstrom hosted the meeting; however, when the Manitoban showed up at his house, he was nowhere to be found. It became apparent that he isn’t a stayat-home defenceman.

Amongst the Jets who were invited was Enstrom’s linemate Tyler Myers. The six-foot-eight defenceman was at the scene when the newspaper crew showed but had to be escorted to hospital. Myers was later diagnosed with a concussion received while trying to enter Enstrom’s house.

Enstrom was curious on why he had been chosen to host the interview, and the Manitoban revealed to the former assistant captain that he was one of the Jets’ most quality players on the blue line. After hearing the full extent of our high praise, Enstrom naturally choked up.

The first topic up for discussion was “team nicknames.” When head

coach Paul Maurice was asked on how nicknames originate in the locker room, he turned with a stern face and said, “I am never playing Jay Harrison and Grant Clitsome on the same line.”

As far as support goes, Jets fans can be quite odd. One Jets fan in particular is quite flamboyant, as he attends games dressed in pimp clothing and accessories. However, this is no laughing matter, as he is suspected to have been tossing his pimp accessories onto the ice, especially into the Jets’ end.

When general manager Kevin Cheveldayoff was asked about the matter, he replied, “I can’t remember ever seeing Kane in the defensive zone.”

The Jet GM was also asked whether he would share his “true” thoughts on traded player Evander Kane. Cheveldayoff managed to buy our silence when he traded to the Manitoban a 2015 third round draft pick.

We checked the European ranks for a potential draft selection to the newspaper team, but we decided that

the pick was not worth the trouble of selection after Pierre McGuire said he had a “big body presence,” called him “a fine young man,” then mispronounced his name.

Off the ice, Jets players are always searching for opportunities to serve their community. Goalie Ondrej Pavelec visited the University of Manitoba microbiology lab recently in their identification of unknown bacteria experiment. Despite wearing the proper lab equipment such as lab coat and rubber gloves, Pavelec suffered a bacterial infection in his left palm.

It was reported that he mishandled a bacterial sample, causing it to slip through his glove. It was later revealed the unknown bacteria originated from St. Louis Blues defenceman Barret Jackman.

Once the interview concluded the Jets played a round of poker as a warm-up for their charity tournaments in the off-season. The players rage-quit after losing a significant amount, crashing out after the first round.

Duckworth done right

The Uniter to provide extensive coverage of the Duckworth Challenge

l a Danian Pookie

In an unprecedented turn of events, the Uniter has reached an agreement with the Manitoban, to provide extensive coverage of the 2016 Duckworth Challenge. The decision came after an uproar from University of Winnipeg athletes, who were sick of reading arts articles, and not having their accomplishments acknowledged in print.

“As student athletes, we work our butts off each and every week, and it would be nice to have some sort of coverage provided,” Wesmen basketball player Peter Putback told the Manitoban

“I absolutely respect the amount of reporting the Manitoban does on their campus sports teams, and I just felt like enough was enough; I had to take action and ensure that the Uniter did the same.”

The Duckworth Challenge is arguably the most highly competitive battle that both universities engage in during the regular season, and is taken in by numerous students, on both campuses.

“It just seemed right to have the Uniter cover the Duckworth Challenge, just like the Manitoban already does. I mean, it goes on in our hometown anyways,” Putback said.

According to an inside source, the Uniter has been having trouble

Room for renovation

Active Living Centre to close for updates

l a Danian Pookie

After finally opening to the public just a short while ago, the Active Living Centre— the new gym at the University of Manitoba—is set to close its doors yet again. The reopening date is scheduled for early September of 2020.

The Manitoban approached head architect Axel Willsby last week to inquire about the closure.

“There’s just some things that we’re not entirely happy with,” Willsby said. “The building must be perfect in every detail and my team simply does not feel that is the case right now.”

Currently only the 300 and 400 levels are available to students due to ongoing construction on the first two floors. Those floors include the group workout area and the elevated track, which Willsby stated, “could be even better.”

Willsby didn’t give any specifics as to what prompted the sudden decision; however, he promised to deliver a facility that is superior in every aspect.

“There will be no doubt that

finding someone to actually cover the soccer, basketball, and volleyball events next year, which are all part of the Duckworth Challenge.

“That was the Uniter ’s main concern with the agreement,” Putback said. “They had a lot of staff who were comfortable attending concerts, and writing for arts, but it didn’t appear that anyone was all that confident covering the sports side of things.”

The Uniter has put out an official advertisement in their paper, and online, to try and find someone suitable for the job. The ad currently reads, “Please help us, we’re a bit over our heads with this one. What are sports?”

The Manitoban has actually had a few intrigued Bison students come into the office already, to inquire about the position, after seeing the posting online.

“I’m sure if it gets to that point, where no U of W students feel qualified enough, then a U of M student will do,” Putback said. “All I want is adequate coverage, and if it has to come from a Manitoba Bison, then that’s fine.”

It remains to be seen whether the Uniter has a sporting chance. Stay tuned for ongoing updates as they are made available, as well as the chance to potentially cover the events yourself.

students will notice the change,”

Willsby said. “When it’s all said and done, everyone will look back and be glad that the remodelling occurred, hands down.”

The Active Living Centre is a $46-million project and costs fulltime students $75 per term, and parttime students $56.25. The fee will continue to be included in tuition costs while the renovations are being done.

“I fully understand students’ potential frustration over having to pay for something that isn’t open; however, once the ALC re-opens, nobody will be disappointed. We’re really ramping things up on the interior,” Willsby said.

Willsby added that he reached out to numerous architects all over Canada to get their opinions on the new gym, and they all agreed that it should be touched up a bit.

“I have had discussions with some of Canada’s best architects, and I was amazed by the resounding consensus decision. It really made me feel confident about my choice.”

In the meantime, students will go back to utilizing the “Gritty Grotto”

for all of their workout needs. While the move back to the old gym will likely elicit mixed reactions, certain students were quite content with

transitioning back to the grotto.

“Oh I absolutely love it down there,” said Cam Campopolous, a fourthyear arts student. “I especially love

running laps on the track. The

appearance and lack of windows makes me feel like

in my own