SURFBOARDT >> huge revelation, please read on
IF I WERE A BOY >> I might consider reading sporttsssssss
Ewell pianos host rager
Thornton attacked by sea of pugs
Did anyone think to blame the PBR cans in the pianos on those Steinways themselves???
Vol. 21, Iss. 3 | S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT! November 20, 1992
Their snorting ways finally send our man Marcus to his knees.
The Fat Head The Annual Parody Newspaper
of The College of William for Mary
thefattesthead.net.gov | Call me, beep me if you wanna reach me:
LUKE 4:20
GENESIS 0:69
Queen Tay fiercely slams
General Assembly, declares College a “single lady”
BY KE$HA // DOLLA DOLLA BILL Y’ALL REPORTER
BRIAN KAO / FOR FINDING THE PHOTO SINCE THIS IS DEFINITELY REAL AND TOTALLY NOT PHOTOSHOPPED
Mr. Jones, Queen Tay and BOV Rector Oscar Meyer strut to relieve their financial woes.
Pissed that he wasn’t receiving any money from the commonwealth, our boy Queen Tay went with his homies to the studio Saturday to express his feelings. “At first we started out real cool. Funding the school like it ain’t never been. But now, you’re getting comfortable. Ain’t doing those things you did no more. You’re slowly making me pay for things,” Queen Tay sang while giving Ginny Abler a perm in a space-age hair salon. “You triflin’, good for nothing type of brother. Silly me, why haven’t I found another?” BOV Rector Oscar Meyer added. Clad in a skimpy leopard-print dress, VP of Finance Mr. Jones was allowed no solo parts in the performance, but his dedication and supplementary dance moves really emphasized the economical point the group hoped to get across. In a last attempt to reconcile with the state, Queen Tay asked, “Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Do you pay my automo’ bills? If you did then maybe we could chill. I don’t think you do. So, you and me are through.” The College is set to go private when their album hits the Billboard Hot 100. Thanks Virginia, you triflin’ brother.
Millions foiled by consulting lie
But dalapi@wm.edu was just playing y’all BY UNEMPLOYED FLAT HAT WRITERS FLAT HAT BEFORE JOB SEARCH
Career Center head honcho recently revealed that she has been duping hundreds of College graduates, as the world of “consulting” is a lie she made up to appease business majors in a rough economy. “Back after the Reagan era, the economy wasn’t doing so hot and kids weren’t landing traditional jobs. So yes, I made it all up,” she said. “It’s a job so vague that you don’t need a specific major. Honestly, who would actually want to work for a place like that?” In exchange for the recent grad’s services, the company pays them inordinate starting salaries and makes them believe they are making a difference in the world. “I signed for a consulting job because I didn’t know what else I’d do after graduation,” Souless Marketer ‘14 said. “I knew my true passion, being a musician, wouldn’t pay the bills, so why not work for the man?” The Career Center is currently underwritten by six private firms that all offer gigs to recent grads. “I never understood why dalapi@wm.edu always sent me so many e-mails about going into the business world, when that’s clearly not what my major’s about,” Antibureaucracy Poet ’14 said. “But it all makes sense now.” “It’s really a win/win situation,” head honcho said, cackling with glee. “These jobs suck away every last drop of passion our alums receive from their liberal arts education.”
DEUTERONOMY 6:66
MARK 23:23
Town Crier breaks news during OTP fire alarm
Administrators reveal that they relieve stress through common hazing rituals; “It helps with the tension,” they say
BIKE THIEF ARRESTED Beer bong or bust, right? BY JASON DERUUULLLLOOO FAT HEAD HAZING EXPERT
Ding dong the witch is dead. Which old witch? The wicked witch! BY FLAT HAT HOLMES FAT HEAD SNIFFER-OUTER
In a stunning turn of events, SA Prez Run Kootiez ’14 was arrested early last night and driven off in the Parking Services Batmobile. For months, Kootiez has been at the heart of the campus’ bike theft operation. Set up at the SA house, Kootiez orchestrated the theft of bikes from innocent students who were just too busy to actually lock up their bike (sorry, parents). 11 bikes from Ludwell, 200 million from the Ho House... Kootiez was on a roll. With his flashy smile and politcal candor, no one thought to question why Kootiez was seen on campus riding a bike with a basket and a little black dog. That is, until Dean Gilly had a little too much time on his hands and quickly set up a sting operation. “I’m gonna getcha good,” Gilly said.
Where you at? I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly because my body’s so bootylicious babyyy
Vice President Muhammad Ali ’14 said she repeatedly warned Kootiez to fix his habits, but the dark eyebrows spoke to her. “Ali,” the eyebrows said hypnotically. “You are getting sleepy. You are getting very sleepy. Now go the fuck away and stop meddling with Kootiez’ plan.” In his appearance before the Honor Council, Kootiez admitted to a deep-seeded passion for all things on two wheels. Three wheels, he said, was always one step too far. “I don’t believe in Peter Pan, Frankenstein or Superman. All I wanna do is bicycle bicycle bicycle,” Kootiez whispered. In a statement from his jail cell in Morton, Koontz expressed his regret. “I would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids and your dumb dog!” Kootiez declared.
Today’s 4cast 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Ginny admits she didn’t have much moral fortitude as a freshman in College. But then, one night, she was forced to sleep in a graveyard while caring for a baby chicken. She claims that was the moment that helped her grow into the power woman that she is today. The administration announced that the new orientation program will include tradition-building activities which have caused much controversy and unrest. Ginny claimed that activities such as costumed scavenger hunts, beer-pong round robins and public humiliation stunts promote resilience, build lifelong bonds and help foster a stronger community. Mr. Revs said he’s all the better since the recent incident when he was asked to shovel M&Ms out of the snow with a plastic spoon. “Sure, I went through a pack of 50 spoons because the darn things kept breaking, but, in the end, I’m much more of the man I wanted to be,” he noted. Not everyone agrees. “To me, this smells like hazing,” IFC big boy Greenie said. “In our Greek community, we work very hard to ensure that our new members feel welcome without feeling demeaned or humiliated. There are other ways to foster
Inside OPINIONS
tradition besides hazing.” The changes will be incorporated in fall 2014, during the freshman orientation program. “Let’s be honest, hazing builds true grit,” Revs said. “These nambypamby freshmen need to leave their meekness behind and assimilate to the College’s strength with the utmost swiftness. We will never be a university of great international stature if our underclassmen act like complete weak-links.” Associate Dean of Students/ OA guy PSYCHE echoed Ginny’s
Inside SPURTS
I wanna complain
the rain never bothered me anyway
Her arm positioning was questionable, but her follow-through was great.
Like why didn’t I get goodies in the ceilings in the Units? Why didn’t Sadler have Cocoa Puffs? Why are the burritos from Zoca questionable? Why doesn’t the SA listen to me? Why do I care if the SA listens to me? Why don’t I have better doortags, RA? Why do I even have doortags??
sentiments, stating that by incorporating “tradition-building” activities into the curriculum, students will understand the true meaning of the College’s historic legacy. “Even though these activities may seemingly resemble destructive hazing activities, they are very different,” PSYCHE said. “Traditionbuilding activities create moral fortitude that lasts a lifetime. I can’t wait to see how this change in the orientation program positively affects our student body.”
AristoKatz dominate ball field
Katzman builds baseball field on Jamestown Road hoping that people would come because this field, this game, it’s a part of our past. Reminds us of all that once was good. But he built and they never came — thanks James Earl Jones.
filler page “
Is there really any? dosomethingplease@gmail.com
When I met you, I was perfectly happy with what I had — eating night cheese, and transitioning my pajamas into day wear. — the senior who sits next to you in class
Dear Wawa Pam,
Wondering where I am. Lost without you. And being apart ain’t easy
“
word.
1
Friday, May 10 — Wawa Pam was seen smoking and standing 26 feet away from the entrance to an academic building. No reports on Overheard.
2
Friday, May 10 — Wawa Pam completed the Senior Challenge. 6 reports on Overheard.
3
Saturday, May 11— Wawa Pam streaked the Sunken Garden only to find people stole her clothes. 2 reports on Overheard.
The Fat Head | SUNDAY FUNDAY, April 5, 1994 | Page lwan
THE INTERLINK OR IS IT INTERWEB? SOMEONE ASK AL GORE.
That
Guy With
Anna B. Martin
4 Sunday, May 12 — Wawa Pam was seen grooving to
The Fat Head’s “That Guy” features the elusive Anna B. Martin. We ask the in-depth questions. Like, does she know Tom Brokaw? How much does she hate snow? Can we have access to that schoolwide listserv? Is she ever afraid she’ll reply all to it? And does she just have a thing for Tom Brokaw? Or like what’s up with Tom Brokaw?
“Talk Dirty” at Jock Jams. 12 reports on Overheard.
Oh girl, you stand by me. I’m forever yours... faithfully
May 12 — Wawa Pam was seen returning in 5 Sunday, a blaze of glory to her post at Wawa. Students were overcome with joy.
The Fat Head Katherine Chiglinsky News Editor Vanessa Remmers News Editor Hailey Arnold Variety Editor Katie Demeria Variety Editor Jared Foretek Sports Editor
Elizabeth DeBusk Opinions Editor Stephanie Hubbard Copy Chief Katherine Hoptay Copy Chief Michelle Gabro Photo Editor Walter Hickey Online Editor
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Empress omnipotentleader@gmail.com Everyone loves a serious face newz@gmail.com Laycockzzz givemeThorntonorgivemedeath@ gmail.com
Headscratchers keepyouropinionstoyourself@ gmail.com Big photo, big font creativitysuckss@gmail.com Instagrammers phatphotos@gmail.com
Mere Bear Blonde Dynasty WEX ON Wex off Selena Gomez J-Biebs foreva Running Shoes Serious Editor Now Best Freshman Things Editor Chief Pug Master Who’s Lil B? Editor Reo Speedwagon Stites Editor I got Seoul But I’m not a soldier editor
musings
All by herself Lonely editor Photog Aim and Shoot editor Frankly my dear VHS editor Sleeps on floor Snapchat editor Sarabby Chief Jean Valjean
Visit our sometimes-working website to watch the live feed of Morton’s inevitable plunge into the depths of the earth.
watching people eat bananas will always be funny / and it’s artsy in black and white
Feelings Emotions Editor sometimesthepageislikeonecomfyhug@gmail.com
The Fat Head
TFM.com deep throat informant revealed Poor red couch
“The couch knows it all”
Two informants have met in the shadows of the night in the basement of Blow Hall, briefcase in hand. They are Dean Gilly and Total Frat Move writer Koozie Fratstar. In the past year two e-mails from William and Mary Greek listservs ended up on the popular website Total Fraternity Move. Enraged students have wondered what rat within their organizations leaked? Which leads us to the Edward Snowden of William and Mary, otherwise known as Dean Gilly. Gilly has been on a mission, systematically combing-through and reading student e-mails for so called “suspicious content.” He claims that this scanning of students e-mails helps to enforce the honor code. He also hopes to expose the College’s rowdy party culture. The first e-mail, entitled “NO SEX ON THE RED COUCH!!”came from an enrgaed sorority woman at the College encouraging her sisters
not to fornicate in the common areas. “the condom wrapper in the kitchen is the LAST STRAW” the leaked e-mail reads, “I’m really pissed off. i dont want to eat from an area with your disgusting butt/vag/friends ween germs nor do i want to sit on them.” One house has a red couch. No disciplinary actions have been taken since the e-mail’s release. The William and Mary Sigma Chi e-mail entitled, “Life, love and P*ssy” garnered a more violent response. While the e-mail, found by Gilly, had many pithy oneliners, my personal favorite would have to be, “Never mind the extremities that surround it, the 99% of horrendously illogical bullshit that makes up the modern woman, consider only the 1%, the snatch.” Gee, did that one make me feel empowered! The e-mail’s derogatory tone caused the college to take action. Steps included an unproductive town-hall style meeting as well as a slew of aggressive social media posts. Sure, the searching of our Gmail inboxes violates our privacy, but at the end of the day, we salute you Gilly. We might as well let our rowdy nymphomaniac flag fly every now and then. You gotta earn some street cred in the land of colonial passivity.
What did you think of the changes to the housing system this year?
— Citizen Cain ’42
“Are the Ho House grandfather clocks for sale?” — Ro of the Hans ’16
I got into the bars! Excited youngin’ Crust ain’t got shit on me
I was just super nervous. Would the bouncers notice my baby pudge? I know my hair’s slow to come in, but I can use my eyes to weaken people at the knees. But I had my crew with me — my blankie, my pacifier, my bottle. And no one can say no to my teddy bear. NOBODY. So anyway, I crawl up to the door. I whip out my big’s old ID. I look him in the eye. And by eye, I mean sneaker, because I’m not that tall yet. I’m like quaking in my onesie. Might even shit in this diaper. I’m a rebel, but I’ve gotta try and make it in to the bars at least once. He takes some time, looks it over, and hands it back. Stamp on the hand and I’m in. Look at me! I’m drinking beer underage and stumbling past the upperclassmen. My opinion: bars should be for all!
Couchside chats: THE STAFF EDITORIAL
bring the beat in
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Players only love you when they’re playing.”
| Manic Monday, February 21, 2108 | Page XIO
“My single in Page leaves a lot of time for contemplation.” — Webber ’12
“Dorms, schmorms. Every room has great lighting for selfies!” — Shania Twain Revival ’15
“They would’ve been bigger in Texas.” —The caretaker of Jay’s future kids ’13
“Don’t you wanna be a townie?????” — Never Leaving ’13
— photos and interviews bY person who didn’t hide from opinions fast enough
Zoophilia rights demanded
The College can only continue to attract high-caliber faculty if it offers wide-ranging benefits, including those that take into account bestial domestic partnerships. It’s a simple human right. Our loved ones should have the health and dental benefits they deserve. The Flat Hat salutes Dean Gilly, who’s been so courageous in championing this cause. “The love me and my lemur Teddie share is no different than that of Kanye and Kim K. And when Teddie gets sick, I need visitation rights at the vet,” Gilly said in a recent interview. “One day, with enough prayer and scientific research, we want to raise a family. And we want our children to grow up in a world that accepts their parents.” Gilly’s taken his fair share of public bashing, but we’re grateful for his work and proud to join him in this fight. “When I look into Teddie’s eyes, I know in my heart that it’s all worth it,” he said.
We all enjoy some alone time with our pets.
No one recused themselves because we’re all equally biased. Well, like, it depends on how you define bias. Is there such thing as objectivity? Aaand scene.
Did you know: The Couchside Chats section of the Fat Head is made up pretty last minute. Sometimes, I don’t even want to have an opinion. Thinking sux. I wish someone would just brainwash me so I didn’t have to have thoughts at all. I’m kidding. The editorial board’s mental synchronization just has one explanation: we were all meant to be. The Fat Head does not accept submissions from anyone at all so step off. You can beep us and like try to reach us. But good luck, we’re elusive.
VARIETY >> PAGE 7
SPORTS >> PAGE 8
Dressing in eighteenth-century clothing is no big deal for historic interpreters in Colonial Williamsburg.
Brian Murphy’s squad sweeps doubleheader against Delaware.
Stays, tricorns and breeches, oh my
Vol. 103, Iss. 44 | Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Tribe starts CAA baseball
The Flat Hat The Twice-Weekly Student Newspaper
of The College of William and Mary
Flathatnews.com | Follow us:
WILLIAMSBURG
CAREERS
Jewish Mother facing lawsuit
Owner sues former partner BY TUCKER HIGGINS FLAT HAT ASSOC. NEWS EDITOR
$
Fund to aid interns ASHLEY RICHARDSON / THE FLAT HAT
Cohen Career Center to compensate for unpaid internships
BY AMANDA SIKIRICA THE FLAT HAT
The Sherman and Gloria H. Cohen Career Center will be able to fund undergraduates’ summer unpaid internships this year through its Internship Fund, potentially allowing students to gain professional experience while also receiving money. “People who need to make money over the summer can’t afford to do an unpaid internship,” Assistant Vice President for Student Affairs and Executive Director of Career Development Mary Schilling said. Schilling said the Career Center hopes to fund at least ten students this year, with awards of $4,000 each. Applicants can find the application through Tribe Careers. They must already have a confirmed internship when they apply. The internship must entail a minimum of 160 hours worked at one organization over at least four weeks. Applications are due April 11, and the selection committee is composed of Career Center staff. The Parent and Family Counsel and the vice president for student affairs are organizing funding. Recent dialogue about the legality and socioeconomic fairness of unpaid internships has served as the motivating force behind the establishment of this fund. Last June, Schilling took part in an NPR On Point special about internships in the current economy. She said that although internships are generally considered a necessity
for job prospects, not everyone can afford to forgo income from a summer job. “The legal issues are more about unpaid internships at for-profit companies,” Schilling said. “Part of our concern was not only that, but to make sure that some of these companies understand their responsibility as an employer to provide pay.” Anna Umbreit, Assistant Director and Internship Coordinator at the Career Center, has been defining the parameters for the fund’s use. She said the Career Center will focus on internships aimed at advancing and informing career goals. However, internships do not need to align with the applicant’s major. “I think this is very helpful for liberal art students, whose major may not necessarily connect to all of their [career] interests,” Umbreit said. The award will be split into two $2,000 installments: one given at the start of the internship and one upon confirmed completion. A performance report from the recipient’s employer and a reflective essay are required to receive the second installment. Umbreit described the student reflection as a description of how the internship advanced the student’s understanding of their career goals. “Even if they say ‘Oh, I don’t want to do that anymore, that’s not what I had in mind’ … that is still part of the learning process,” Schilling said. Students telecommuting or completing online internships will not be considered for the awards.
INTERNSHIPS: BY THE NUMBERS
56
percent of the College of William and Mary’s Class of 2013 completed an internship during their undergraduate career.
$4,000
160
amount of each award the Career Center will allocate to ten students this summer.
number of hours each student must work over four weeks at an unpaid internship to qualify for funding.
56.5
percent of interns nationwide who received a full-time job offer after their internship, according to a survey of more than 1,000 employers conducted by the National Association of Colleges and Employers.
See INTERNSHIP page 5
If all goes according to plan, The Jewish Mother will open its doors in Williamsburg this month. The restaurant and nightclub chain will also face its next hearing date April 25 in The Jewish Mother v. David Coleman, an eight million dollar lawsuit which began in December. Restaurant owner Scott Miller ’85 is seeking $8.35 million from his former business partner David Coleman. Miller claims that Coleman defrauded him by misrepresenting himself as a business expert in order to obtain trade secrets which belong to The Jewish Mother. “We had some things happen, an embezzlement,” Miller said, according to the Daily Press. Miller’s lawyer, Louis Joynes, did not comment.Coleman denied Miller’s claims. In February, Coleman filed a counterclaim against Miller. “The Jewish Mother sold their trademark to my client for $100,000, and now they’re continuing to use the name and refusing to give my client back his money,” Coleman’s attorney Jason Dunn said. “Now they’re having a case of buyer’s remorse.” According to the United States Patent and Trademark Office’s website, “The Jewish Mother” was registered as a trademark May 1, 2012, by an attorney for David Lee Coleman. Citing ongoing litigation, Dunn would not comment on claims that his client had misrepresented himself as an expert on national franchises. For Miller, this case is not the first instance of litigation with a business partner over intellectual property claims. In 2011, the longtime owner of The Jewish Mother, John Colaprete, sued Miller for more than $5 million, alleging that Miller stole The Jewish Mother trademark and opened two restaurants with it. Earlier that year, Miller had opened, and then withdrawn, a lawsuit seeking sole ownership over The Jewish Mother. According to the Virginia Pilot, Colaprete said at the time that Miller had signed an agreement to buy out Colaprete’s stock, but did not pay for it. The Jewish Mother in Williamsburg will be located at the corner of Armistead Avenue and Prince George Street. Its opening coincides with the closure, due to financial problems, of another Jewish Mother franchise in Virginia Beach this month. According to the Daily Press, the Williamsburg location will seat 250 people and host blues, rock, jazz and acoustic performances.
STUDENT LIFE
Clery Act proposal includes stricter crime reporting requirements Amendment would require lower evidence standards in campus hearings; administrators discuss act’s relevance to College BY SARAH CASPARI FLAT HAT CHIEF STAFF WRITER
Last month, the Department of Education released a proposal designed to help universities across the country comply with new requirements for dealing with crimes related to sexual assault. The Clery Act, which deals with crime disclosure on campuses, underwent significant changes in Congress in March 2013, resulting in stricter requirements for crime reporting. The Education Department’s proposal recommended full compliance with the guidelines set by the Office for Civil Rights, which requires campus judiciaries to use a certain standard of evidence in
Today’s Weather
Index Fat Head News Insight News Opinions Variety Sports Fat Head
on-campus hearings: a “preponderance of the evidence,” which is a lower standard than “clear and convincing.” The College of William and Mary has been using the lower standard of evidence since 2011. “The standard of proof was changed to ‘preponderance of the evidence’ following the ‘Dear Colleague’ letter in spring 2011 from the U.S. Department of Education and the White House,” Associate Dean of Students Dave Gilbert said in an email. “In that letter, colleges and universities were urged to adopt the preponderance standard, the same standard used by the courts of law in civil litigation cases, and we did so.” However, the decision to change the standard of evidence was not so simple
1-2 4 5 6 7 8 9-10
in many cases. The change was seen in some cases as an unfair disadvantage to the accused parties in cases of sexual assault. Dean of Students Marjorie Thomas emphasized the College’s obligation to protect both parties to the best of its ability and to make all students feel supported. “I know from the top down we’re very committed to the idea of how we educate, support and ensure a process that is fair, informative, that doesn’t create an adversarial situation between the person that’s making an allegation and the person that’s being accused,” Thomas said. HOPE Vice President of Healthy Relationships/Sexual Aggression Jordan Taffet ’16 said he thinks harmful effects
Inside OPINIONS
Director of Compliance Kiersten Boyce tied in the Clery Act with the Violence Against Women Act. The reports required by the Clery Act were already covered by Title IX requirements. VAWA made more specific the College’s obligations to inform the public of programs and procedures in place to prevent and deal with sexual violence. “VAWA also adds new Clery Act obligations,” Boyce said in an email. “It adds to the list of crimes that we need to track and report. Although the Department of Education is still working on definitions of these crimes, some of which, like ‘domestic violence,’ are tricky in the higher education setting, we will be including these new categories in our next annual safety report.”
Inside SPORTS
Blind adversity in the college admissions process Partly cloudy High 57, Low 41
of a lower standard of evidence would be minimal, since false reporting of sexual assault is uncommon. “I don’t think that [false reporting] is really an epidemic or an issue,” Taffet said. “I think people on the opposite end of the spectrum like to think so.” Taffet said that while he would like to see more focus on the prevention of sexual violence, he believes that the College’s current policies for dealing with assault survivors on campus have been effective. “Working with the health promotion office on a near daily basis and having met with survivors … I don’t think I’ve ever heard an instance when a survivor had a really difficult time with the administration,” Taffet said.
Diversity entails more than the color of your skin and family background. page 6
Close game gets away from College
Tribe’s second half lead dissolved in 9-0 Ohio State scoring run. The Buckeyes went on to win 14-7. page 8
newsinsight “
News Editor Áine Cain News Editor Rohan Desai fhnews@gmail.com // @theflathat
The Flat Hat
| Tuesday, April 1, 2014 | Page 4
THE BUZZ
— Assistant Vice President for Student Affairs and Executive Director of Career Development Mary Schilling on unpaid internships
ACCEPTED STUDENTS, COMMUNITY MENTORS CELEBRATE THE ACCEPTANCE OF THE COLLEGE’S CLASS OF 2018 ON TWITTER
AROUND THE ‘BURG
“
@THEFLATHAT
The more we can do to facilitate, to level the playing field, so that no one has a reason why they can’t do some kind of an internship over the course of the summer, that would be our goal.
A THOUSAND WORDS
COURTESY PHOTO / WYDAILY.COM
The Jamestown-Scotland’s largest ferry — the “Pocahontas” — will not run through mid-May while it undergoes mandatory hull inspections and repairs.
Jamestown will offer free admission
Ceremony recognizes children as American citizens
Historic Jamestown will offer free admission for National Junior Ranger Day April 19 to allow children to explore the park and archaeology, the Williamsburg-Yorktown Daily reports. Students from Jamestown High School’s Rho Kappa Honor Society will coordinate free events from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. — including a bird walk, bike tour and several walking tours — which will involve discussions of ecology and history as well as visits with historic characters. The day will also feature children’s games and dancing, a mock archaeology dig box and crafts inside the Visitor Center. Young visitors can become National Park Service Junior Rangers and receive a patch by participating in the different events.
According to the Daily Press, the Williamsburg chapter of the national society Daughters of the American Revolution and the Jamestown-Yorktown Foundation recognized 51 young people from 26 countries as American citizens in a ceremony at the Jamestown Settlement last Saturday. These children of recently naturalized immigrants took the Oath of Allegiance and received citizenship certificates. Two brothers — Daniel and Emanuel Rahama — who participated in the ceremony were originally from Sudan, but immigrated to America with their parents in 2000. The two have resided in Newport News for most of their lives.
Businesses partner to support autism center According to the Virginia Gazette, New Town businesses Beyond Bricks and School Crossing will partner to raise money for the One Child Center for Autism in April. Beyond Bricks is an open play-space where children learn and create with Legos while School Crossing is a toy store. Children will pay a half-price entry fee for admission to Beyond Bricks and will create original works to be displayed at School Crossing. Community members can vote for their favorite entries. The entries with the most funds by April 19 will receive a five-day play pass to Beyond Bricks and a $25 gift certificate to School Crossing.
CAMPUS POLICE BEAT
Ferry to run at reduced capacity The Jamestown-Scotland Ferry will run at a reduced capacity from now until mid-May, the Williamsburg Yorktown Daily reports. The “Pocahontas” can carry 70 vehicles but will undergo a mandatory hull inspection and repairs during this time. The “Surry” and “Williamsburg” will continue to carry 50 vehicles each and the “Virginia” which carries up to 28 vehicles will continue to run. Some drivers may experience delays and can use alternative routes such as the Benjamin Harrison Bridge. The “Pocahontas” is the most recent addition to the fleet of ferries that link Jamestown Road in James City County with the unincorporated township of
March 21-23 1
Friday, March 21 — An individual was arrested for driving under the influence on Rolfe Road.
2
Sunday, March 23 — A student was arrested for being drunk in public, underage possession of alcohol and possession of a fictious ID on Harrison Avenue.
3
Sunday, March 23 — A student was arrested for being drunk in public, underage possession of alcohol and possession of a fictious ID at the Laycock Center.
4
Sunday, March 23 — An incident of vandalism occured at the Daily Grind. The estimated value of damage was $600.
ALLISON SHOMAKER / THE FLAT HAT
CORRECTIONS The Flat Hat wishes to correct any facts printed incorrectly. Corrections may be submitted by email to the editor of the section in which the incorrect information was printed. Requests for corrections will be accepted at any time.
The Flat Hat ‘STABILITAS ET FIDES’ | ESTABLISHED OCT. 3, 1911
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NEWS IN BRIEFS New vice provost for academic and faculty affairs named
Student Affairs a promising place to work
Susan Grover has been named the new vice provost for academic and faculty affairs at the William and Mary. Grover, a professor at the Marshall-Wythe School of Law, will be replacing successor, Kate Slevin. Slevin, a sociology professor at the College, has served as vice provost for five years and will retire in 2015. In her new position as vice provost, Grover will serve under Provost Michael Halleran and will be in charge of program initiation and review, as well as assessment and accreditation at the College. The position also involves Grover being a liaison between the College and the Southern Association of Colleges and Schools and the State Council of Higher Education in Virginia.
A five-member board at the Center for Inclusion, Diversity and Academic Success at The Ohio State University ranked the College of William and Mary among the top 30 most promising places to work in student affairs in a recent study. The American Personnel Association and the magazine “Diverse: Issues in Higher Education” commissioned the study in honor of the magazine’s 30th year of publication. An advisory board and the Center’s research team surveyed 100 institutions on their workplace diversity, staffing practices and work environment to examine the department’s family friendliness, salary, benefits and professional development opportunities. Law professors submit Supreme
Court amicus briefs Cutler Professor of Law and Kelly Professor of Teaching Excellence Jayne Barnard organized a amicus curiae brief in support of petitioners in Sebelius v. Hobby Lobby Stores, Inc and Conestoga Wood Specialties Corp v. Sebelius, in which their briefs will bring additional information to the court. Both cases have received media attention for presenting a new argument against the contraceptive mandate in the Affordable Care Act, claiming that for-profit corporations should receive an exemption from this law. Additionally, Professor Adam Gershowitz submitted a brief in support of Petitioner Riley and Respondent Wurie in Riley v. California and United States v. Wurie.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
The Flat Hat
Page 5
STUDENT LIFE
Fulbright funds could be cut by $30.5 million Obama’s proposed budget would cut support by 13 percent, create more selective internship by sarah caspari FLAT HAT chief staff writer
If you thought getting a Fulbright scholarship was hard before, brace yourself: It may soon get harder. President Obama’s budget proposal for 2015, released in early March, would cut $30.5 million from the Fulbright program. A 13.5 percent reduction from last year, this could be the largest cut the program has ever seen. Passage of the budget as it is would significantly reduce the number of grants awarded next year, according to the Fulbright program’s website. The College of William and Mary has consistently made the Chronicle of Higher Education’s list of top producing institutions for the U.S. Fulbright Student Program. Of those who applied for the 2013-14 program, 14 out of 53 applicants from the College received Fulbright grants, the most of any Virginia university. The cuts would affect students applying in 2014 for the 2015-16 program. The trade-off for the decrease in Fulbright funding is an increase in overall funds for international educational and cultural initiatives, with an emphasis on programs
based in Southeast Asia and sub-Saharan Africa. Associate Director of the Charles Center and Director of Fellows Lisa Grimes said the benefits of the Fulbright program are by nature difficult to quantify, making it an attractive candidate for budget cuts in the past. “Much of its value lies in its contributions to so-called ‘soft diplomacy,’ in the idea of forming actual relationships and friendships that lead to better international relationships,” Grimes said in
COURTESY PHOTO / WM.EDU
Fullbright scholar Morrison Mast ‘12 researched in Panama.
an email. “While certainly irreplaceable, this deeprooted relationship building among people who might later become influential doesn’t always yield hard statistics.” However, for Rachel Janis ’14, who applied for a Fulbright grant for the upcoming year, the relationship building is one of the program’s most valuable attributes. “The Fulbright program has been such a key diplomatic tool for the United States and various countries throughout the world,” Janis said. “It costs less to pay the stipend for a student to go to [another] country than it would for a salary [of] a diplomat.” Janis and Grimes agreed that reallocating funds away from the Fulbright program would likely strain relations with the other countries that contribute. When the budget proposal was released, the suggested Fulbright cuts were met with vocal opposition. A Fulbright alumnus created the online petition SaveFulbright.com in protest of the cuts, and the Fulbright Association encourages the community on its website to lobby Congress in favor of preserving funding. For students who may be daunted by the prospect of a lower chance of receiving a Fulbright grant, Peer
Scholarship Advisor Johnathan Maza ’15 cautions against the temptation to play the “numbers game” — applying for programs that give you a greater chance of success — and recommends instead to focus on making the best possible case for yourself. “The whole point of the Fulbright is not just cultural exchange for the U.S., but also [for] yourself as an applicant,” Maza said. “How can you grow and gain a new experience and skills that are going to help you through your job?” Maza recommends the Charles Center Fulbright Fridays information sessions for students who may be interested in applying next year. One will be held this Friday April 4 at 4 p.m. and will focus on brainstorming and getting feedback on ideas. Janis, whose application will not be affected by the proposed cuts, said she hopes students who are considering applying in future years will not be discouraged. “Regardless of the cuts, the program itself is still quality, and it still has prestige and is also beneficial,” Janis said. “If people stop showing interest in the Fulbright program and stop participating it, they’ll only cut the budget more.”
Inspector resigns over Deeds investigation G. Douglas Bevelacqua claims report on investigation was censored
IS
Open doors to your future in Peace Corps. Returned Volunteer Panel Discussion Wednesday, April 2
One-on-One Office Hours Wednesday, April 2
5:30 - 6:30 p.m. Career Center Presentation Room A&B
11:30 - 3:30 p.m. College Terrace
Learn how you can launch your career through service!
Contact Ariel: asimons@ peacecorps.gov
by Rebecca heine FLAT HAT assoc. news editor
Director of the Behavioral Health and Developmental Services Division of the State Inspector General’s Office G. Douglas Bevelacqua has resigned his position amidst the investigation into Austin “Gus” Deeds’ November suicide. In his resignation letter to Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe, D-Va., Bevelacqua claimed that his report on the Deeds investigation had been censored, citing the removal
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of certain comments deemed too emotional. Furthermore, Bevelacqua claimed the release of the report was considerably delayed due to the Virginia State Police’s ongoing investigation into possible criminal activity. “If I were responsible for publishing this report, it would have been issued weeks ago and it would have contained conclusions that were removed because they were considered speculative or too emotional,” Bevelacqua wrote in his resignation letter. Woodbridge Professor of Law Michael Green said that working within Virginia law without spoiling a criminal investigation can be a fine line to navigate. “It seems like it’s an area of discretion, because we’re not talking about refusing to turn over this document; we’re talking about delaying it,” Green said. Among t h e concerns Bevelacqua cited in his letter of resignation was the lack Green of action from the Department of Behavioral Health and Developmental Services in response to a 2012 report Bevelacqua filed that made recommendations on improving the mental health services in the
state of Virginia. “Had the DBHDS taken timely actions on these 2012 recommendations, it most likely would have produced a different outcome on November 18, 2013,” Bevelacqua wrote, referencing the Deeds tragedy. Marshall-Wythe School of Law Assistant Professor Christopher Griffin said the situation also relates to more general issues within the state’s mental health system. “It seems that with some findings in the report … there were opportunities; there were open beds in at least two hospitals,” Griffin said. “There is the need for both more oversight of those who work in mental health services in the state, and for legislation that closes loopholes or that reinforces existing systems.” As part of his 2012 report, Bevelacqua recommended the creation of a real-time registry that could substantially reduce the time required to find a bed for a patient in need. The registry was not yet operational in November, when it could have aided Gus Deeds, but it has since gone live. Hours before his death, Gus had been released from emergency custody after the local Community Services Board could not find an available psychiatric bed in the area within the time period of six hours.
“The reality is beds will always be an issue,” Mental Health Services Coordinator for the College of William and Mary Christine Ferguson said in an email. “Most states have cut back on funding for state hospitals, and inpatient treatment is expensive.” Ferguson described her experience in other states where there are resources in place to avoid hospitalizations, such as in-home and partial hospitalization programs for children and adolescents. These programs would allow clients to meet with providers on a regular basis for several months. “I think [the registry is] a good start but it’s not going to solve the larger problem of chronic mental illness,” Ferguson said. “Inpatient is really the last course of action in treatment. It … is mainly utilized when immediate safety is a concern.” Following Gus’ death, his father, Virginia Senator Creigh Deeds, D-Va., introduced new legislation to the Senate addressing mental health services in the Commonwealth of Virginia. The bill, whose proposal was approved Feb. 10, makes it so authorities can detain a mentally ill individual for up to 24 hours in emergency custody until a psychiatric bed can be found, extending the previous limit by 18 hours.
Career Center to fund unpaid internships INTERNSHIPS from page 3
“We want to be sure we’re supporting internships that have all those kinds of professional learning pieces built into them,” Umbreit said. Linda Moses ’16 has been interning at the Muscarelle Museum of Art on campus for the past two semesters. “I haven’t been paid, but I’m getting experience and it looks good, but it’s only leading me to other things that are unpaid,” Moses said. A Williamsburg native, Moses is also having a hard time finding local internships relevant to her career goals. “... I really want to have this internship in [Washington,] D.C. but I have no idea how because I don’t have a paying job,” she said. As for the fund’s sustainability, the Career Center has not gotten to the endowment stage yet. Schilling said she hopes that they will be able to continue to raise money each year and start setting aside donations toward building an endowment. “We’re starting small, and hoping to build toward a more comprehensive program,” Schilling said. The goal is to be able to meet the need for internship funding. According to the Cohen Career Center, 56 percent of the Class of 2013 completed at least one internship during their undergraduate career. The Internship Fund is aimed at increasing those numbers.
“The more we can do to facilitate, to level the playing field, so that no one has a reason why they can’t do some kind of an internship over the course of the summer, that would be our goal,” Schilling said. More information about applying can be found on the Career Center’s website.
ASHLEY RICHARDSON / THE FLAT HAT
The Cohen Career Center will fund summer internships.
opinions
Opinions Editor Daria Grastara Assoc. Opinions Editor Kaitlan Shaub fhopinions@gmail.com // @theflathat
The Flat Hat
EDITORIAL CARTOON
| Tuesday, April 1, 2014 | Page 6
STAFF EDITORIAL
Interning pays S
BY BRIAN KAO, FLAT HAT GRAPHIC DESIGNER
The true meaning of diversity I was completely wrong. Despite such a high volume of students from the same geographic area, I have yet to meet the typical “NOVA” student. While the College has a high percentage of white students, every student has a different story, family life and personality. My government professor recently asked students in my FLAT HAT OPINIONS EDITOR class to raise their hands if their parents’ socio-economic backgrounds would fall under upper or upper-middle class. Back during my Model United Nations days in high school, my More than half of my 30-person class raised their hands, team discussed the heavily debated topic of affirmative action. I and I was completely surprised. The attitudes, appearances, spoke out against this topic as a high school sophomore, strictly mannerisms and political ideologies do not match the promoting equality in the college admissions process. My Model stereotypical, but false, viewpoints of the typical upper-class U.N. advisor — after several students gave speeches against student. affirmative action for the same reason — told us that we would I learned that, while the College does not have affirmative all be thankful for affirmative action as college students. He told action policies in place, this campus is exploding with us all that as college students, we should different personalities, opportunities strive for an environment that embodies and cultures. It was through this Diversity entails much more diversity. demonstration that I learned than the color of your skin or I attempted to look past my sheltered differences in race, gender and sociohow much money your lens, as I grew up in a typical middleeconomic status do not exemplify class, predominantly white New Jersey diversity. Diversity is truly showcased parents make. suburb, where most students wore the most through the personalities of people, popular, expensive brands and drove Honda Civics. My parents unique due to differences in upbringing and DNA. continued to provide me with the standard rhetoric that when I Reaching statistical quotas on race and incomes will not got to college, I would be exposed to many different people with ensure diversity any more than a unique response to a college many different backgrounds. They tried to teach me to be non- admissions essay will. Institutions, in both college and the judgmental, as everyone has a different story that made them workforce, believe showcasing diversity through numbers will who they are today, and not all students were given as many convince society that racism, sexism and prejudices do not opportunities as myself and other students in my community. exist. Rather, these physical differences are just a drop in the The College of William and Mary is completely blind in pond of diversity. Diversity entails much more than the color of the college admissions process with the exception of gender. your skin or how much money your parents make. About 55 percent of the student body is made up of females. I have had the privilege of coming across the most vibrant, Roughly 70 percent of students live in state, while 30 percent unique, passionate and inspiring people during my short time live out of state. 30 percent are students of color. These statistics on campus. While my high school Model U.N. advisor was could be alarming to any perspective student — as they were correct that I would one day be thankful for the diversity on to me — and these percentages objectively revealed to me that my campus, he was wrong that it would be due to affirmative there would be little to no ethnic, gender and potentially socioaction. economic diversity. Email Daria Grastara at dagrastara@email.wm.edu.
Daria Grastara
“
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“ “Yes, because it’s good for exposure in the field you want to work for.” Brian Crowley ’16
“Yes, I would do it for the work experience.”
“Yes, because I need internships for my major, prephysical therapy.”
Jordan Murrin ’16
Elise Cruz ’17 — PHOTOS AND INTERVIEWS BY KAITLAN SHAUB
@abby_boyle2 Great article about @LeroyPetry for @theflathat! Very excited to see him speaking at W&M for commencement
“
?
The staff editorial represents the opinion of The Flat Hat. The editorial board, which is elected by The Flat Hat’s section editors and executive staff, consists of Abby Boyle, Áine Cain, Matt Camarda, Meredith Ramey and Ellen Wexler. The Flat Hat welcomes submissions to the Opinions section. Limit letters to 250 words and columns to 650 words. Letters, columns, graphics and cartoons reflect the view of the author only. Email submissions to fhopinions@gmail. com.
TWEETS @THEFLATHAT
STREET BEAT
Would you participate in an unpaid internship?
tudents can’t escape the necessity of internships. They also can’t escape the necessity of money, which puts them in a catch-22 when they apply for internships and inevitably find only unpaid ones: accept the internship, work hard, and earn nothing with the hope that it will help you achieve your career goals, or find a job that pays and has no prospects. Sympathizing with the student body’s plight, the Sherman and Gloria H. Cohen Career Center has started a fund to subsidize students’ unpaid internships. This year, the Career Center hopes to grant 10 students $4,000 each. This program will be a boon to students, but the Career Center could improve it in the future. The Career Center’s fund will enable students to take valuable internships otherwise financially unavailable to them. Because many of the connections students make at the College of William and Mary are in the Washington, D.C. area, the fund would especially help those who live out of state and can’t afford to intern away from home. Students would feel more comfortable searching for internships if they knew they could take what was offered to them. The fund is also a prime example of the Career Center responding to student need. They already help students network and find internships and they understand the burdens students face even when they succeed. With the unpaid internship fund, the Career Center demonstrates that it will continue to innovate and maintain a vital resource for students. That said, there are areas for improvement. First, the deadline to apply is April 11, which disadvantages students who find internships past that point. Choosing among applicants may take a while, but the Career Center should extend the deadline to the end of April and give more students an opportunity to apply. Currently, in order to qualify for funding, students cannot be interning from home. While it is important to make sure that students are getting interpersonal, professional experience, this requirement doesn’t take into account student interns who do valuable work online. It’s not necessary to intern at a traditional office to help build a website or code data. Giving each recipient $4,000 each may not be necessary. Students who intern for at least four weeks — 160 hours — qualify for funding, yet that implies that a recipient who interns for one month will earn the same $4,000 as another who interns for three months. In the future, the Career Center should take into account exactly how much time the student will be interning when allocating funds. While the Career Center should evaluate students’ internships based on quality, it also needs to view student need as a factor. Students who would otherwise have no source of income or parental aid may not be able to take an unpaid internship without this kind of funding. The Career Center’s unpaid internship fund has enormous potential: Its long-term goal to create an endowment is ambitious and admirable. If it succeeds, it will give students more freedom to pursue their dreams and discover lifelong passions.
— Tyler Johnson on “The definition of valor: Medal of Honor recipient Leroy Petry to speak at commencement.”
GUEST COLUMN
Discussing sexual assault shouldn’t end after awareness week Someone You Know
CAMPUS ORGANIZATION GUEST COLUMN
Almost two months ago, The Huffington Post published an email titled “Save the Sluts” written by a student from the College of William and Mary. Thankfully, our campus community responded. Hundreds of us came together and attended town halls and teach-ins. We agreed that attitudes like those expressed in the email had no place on the College campus. Many of us began a real conversation about how the email was not only repugnant and hurtful, but a symptom of an epidemic of rape and sexual assault on college campuses. But it’s easy to get distracted. Sometime between midterms and spring break, the email — and the
problems it represents — faded from many of our minds. We are a notoriously busy student body, after all, and for many of us, the worries of our personal lives gradually overcame the shock and motivation the email sparked. We now need to realize that just because we lost our focus does not mean that the epidemic has disappeared. One out of every five college-aged woman will experience rape or attempted rape by the time she graduates. This statistic is not an anomaly — it has been corroborated by many institutions, from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to the National Institute of Justice. Althhough rape and sexual assault disproportionately affect women, men are survivors, too. According to the CDC, approximately six percent of men experience sexual coercion in their lifetime. Despite the magnitude of this crisis, barriers to reporting remain high. Insensitive or actively hostile environments discourage survivors from naming and prosecuting their attackers, and the National Research Council concludes that most rapes and sexual assaults go
unreported. These statistics will not change if we ignore them. This week is Sexual Assault Awareness Week. Let’s take this opportunity to refocus our attention on the crisis. The week’s events include a movie screening and a guest speaker from the United States Air Force, and will end Thursday with Take Back the Night, in which survivors and their supporters will share stories of rape and sexual assault on campus. After SAAW, students still have the opportunity to get involved with groups like Someone You Know, HOPE, and William and Mary Stands With Survivors, all of which work year-round to end rape and rape culture on our campus. Most importantly, even if we don’t join an antisexual assault group, we should all commit ourselves to creating a campus community that supports the survivors of rape and sexual assault and intervenes in attacks when they occur. Rape doesn’t stop when we aren’t looking. Email Someone You Know at someoneyouknow@ email.wm.edu
GRAPHIC BY ALLISON HICKS / THE FLAT HAT
variety
Variety Editor Sang Hyun Park flathat.variety@gmail.com // @theflathat
The Flat Hat
| Tuesday, April 1, 2014 | Page 7
Robes, bonnets and wigs: common attire for students working in Colonial Williamsburg
SANG HYUN PARK / THE FLAT HAT
BY EMILY NYE FLAT HAT ASSOC. VARIETY EDITOR
With Colonial Williamsburg just a stone’s throw away from the campus of the College of William and Mary, it’s easy for students to get swept up in the luster of a living, breathing, talking picture of 18th-century life. Certainly, many students have found themselves wandering into a colonial storefront on a sunny Saturday afternoon and subconsciously wondering to themselves what it would have been like to live in Williamsburg two centuries ago. Well, for several students of the College, that curiosity is satisfied through a unique Williamsburg experience: working as a historic interpreter in costume. Working as a historic interpreter in Colonial Williamsburg is not an uncommon find among students of the College. As an interpreter, one of the most important aspects involves working in traditional colonial clothing — in most cases an elaborate costume specially fitted for each interpreter. Among those who chose to work in costume are Sara Garey-Sage ’15 and Megan Stewart ’15, both of whom work in the Wig Shoppe of Colonial Williamsburg. Garey-Sage, a history and art history double major, first got involved working in Colonial Williamsburg as part of the National Institute for American History and Democracy, a concentration program that works through the history department to build a partnership between the College and Colonial Williamsburg. Through this organization, Garey-Sage was able to earn college credit for an internship with any living history museum, and where better to do that than in Colonial Williamsburg? As a costumed interpreter at the Wig Shoppe of Colonial Williamsburg, Garey-Sage comes as close as anyone can to traveling back in time. “It’s ‘in the moment’ interpretation at the Wig Shoppe,” Garey-Sage said, “and so we talk as if it’s 1776 and the people coming in are real
customers wanting to have wigs made.” Garey-Sage spends her days in traditional colonial attire, which, for her, involves a very elaborate costume. “I begin with what’s called a ‘shift,’ which is essentially a night-gown that goes under everything else,” Garey-Sage said. “I then have this pocket that I tie around my waist, because garments in that time didn’t have pockets sewn in. And then I wear a floor length skirt, and a jacket. There are two styles for jackets — one that is a little bit looser and longer, and another that is short and laces up the front, and I wear an apron with both.” The entire process to get dressed takes GareySage a little over 10 minutes, but clothing is just the start of getting into the proper attire for a historic interpreter. Since women of that time didn’t wear their hair down, interpreters must also pin their hair up and cover it with “knobcaps,” which are essentially the recognizable form of a cap or bonnet. The ensemble is completed with stockings and traditional colonial shoes, all of which are provided by the Colonial Williamsburg Costume Department, with the exception of a straw basket, which interpreters must supply for themselves. “They really provide everything you need to work in the historic area.” Garey-Sage said, “I think they provided me with two skirts, two shifts, like six pairs of stockings, a pair of shoes, two bonnets, two coats, a cloak, a wool cloak, mittens and hats for when it’s cold, and they actually launder everything for you except for the shifts and stockings, so it’s really nice.” Garey-Sage has been working in the Wig Shoppe for several weeks now, and plans to continue on after her internship ends as a volunteer. “As a history major, I really like it,” Garey-Sage said. “If you have an interest in history, even if you’re not a history major, working in costume as an interpreter is an exciting way to be a part of that and to give back in a sense.”
Megan Stewart ’15, an international relations major, joins Garey-Sage as one of the College’s own who has chosen to work in costume as a historic interpreter. Also an employee at Colonial Williamsburg’s Wig Shoppe, Stewart found her way into working in costume through a slightly different route — working as an intern with the Wig Shoppe itself. “I attended a seminar through the [Sherman and Gloria H. Cohen] Career Center where students could learn about internships and where to find them and apply for them,” Stewart said. “I went online, and discovered this internship with the Wig Shoppe, and working in costume was something I had always wanted to do. I did the internship last semester, and enjoyed it so much that I just asked to stay on this semester.” As a Wig Shoppe employee, Stewart dons the same elaborate colonial costume as her coworker Garey-Sage. “I was so excited to get fitted for costume,” Stewart said. “It’s a lot of layers, and it’s a lot of taking things on and off to change. The first time that I tried it on, it took forever. I was in my dorm room, and I had to have my friend help me figure out how it all went together. I’m much better at it now; it only takes me about 10 minutes.” Stewart’s love for history and Colonial Williamsburg began at a young age, and played a major role in helping her decide to attend the College. That love continues in her work at the Wig Shoppe, where she can be found along with Garey-Sage during the week tending to the wigs of other historic interpreters, in costume of course. “I came to Williamsburg first when I was six and I thought it was the greatest place ever,” Stewart said. “Working in costume was something that I always knew I wanted to do while I was here. I just didn’t quite know how since I’m not a history major. Luckily, it all worked out well through the Career Center. It’s my favorite part of being here.”
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS
FH
Flat Hat sex columnist Marvin Shelton investigates what College of William and Mary students prefer: freshman sex or senior sex. Check out the footage to see which violin is sweeter at Flathatnews.com.
CONFUSION CORNER
Senior job search: Don’t sacrifice passion for security
The common path may bring comfort, but the passionate path will bring happiness
Ariel Cohen CONFUSION CORNER COLUMNIST
If I see yet another status about how “#blessed” someone feels to have signed with their dream firm, corporation or graduate school, I am going to jump off a cliff. Woah. That was a little dramatic. Let’s step back for a second. Spring is undoubtedly a stressful time for all seniors. If you haven’t finalized your post-grad plans yet, you probably have upwards of 19 applications out there, floating around in resume land. We all work hard here. We pursue our
passions. We bust our butts. Don’t we all deserve what we’ve worked for? Alas, the world is not so idealistic. Over the years, I’ve witnessed even the most passionate and intelligent of friends make sacrifices in the name of employment: the art aficionado signed with a consulting firm, the history lover chose pre-med, and the religious studies major now crunches numbers in a cubicle. These people made the necessary trade: passion for stability. Right now we are in the midst of hiring season. The jobs and life paths that fall within that “stability” category have already recruited many of our classmates. Those of us who are still figuring out our plans are far from lazy. We’re the ones applying to be writers, curators, graphic designers, non-profit employees and government workers. We wait because we chose the passionate path. Sure, we’ll reside in a cardboard box next year and sustain ourselves with ramen noodles and
cheap white wine. Yes, we’ll be doing something a little less common, a little less lucrative, but we’ll (hopefully) be doing what we love. If you have a job or a plan for next year, congratulations, enjoy every minute of the D.C/ New York City business world. Really, I’m very happy for you and I mean that. You’ve worked hard too, and you earned those plans. Until the rest of us hear about the future of our dreams, please keep your humble-brag social media posts to a minimum. No one wants to read another “It’s official! I’ll be doing blah blah blah” status. If you tell friends the big news in person, I guarantee they’ll give you the warmest hugs. Recently a friend of mine in the class of 2014 published a status quoting writer Cheryl Strayed that I think sums it up pretty well: “You don’t have to get a job that makes others feel comfortable about what they perceive as your success. You don’t have to explain what you
plan to do with your life. You don’t have to justify your education by demonstrating its financial rewards. … Anyone who expects you to do any of those things has no sense of history or economics or science or the arts. You have to pay your own electric bill. You have to be kind. You have to give it all you got. You have to find people who love you truly and love them back with the same truth. But that’s all.” This is the kind of Facebook post about the post-grad world worth posting between now and May 11. These next few weeks will bring lots of news, both exciting and unexpected. I have no doubt that in due course the real world will strip away the majority of this unfettered idealism. But until then, good luck, my fellow seniors. Stay passionate. Ariel Cohen is a Confusion Corner Columnist and is eagerly awaiting the end of the jobhunting season so that she can finally check her Facebook again.
sports
Sports Editor Jack Powers Sports Editor Chris Weber flathatsports@gmail.com // @FlatHatSports
The Flat Hat | April 1, 2014 | Page 8
BASEBALL
COURTESY PHOTO / TRIBE ATHLETICS
Senior second baseman Ryan Lindemuth recorded two home runs, including a two-run blast, in the College’s doubleheader sweep of Delaware Friday. The shortened-series was each team’s first crack at Colonial Athletic Association play.
Tribe sweeps rain-shortened series
Lindemuth fuels College’s offense as Tribe tops Blue Hens in start of conference play BY JACK POWERS FLAT HAT SPORTS EDITOR After finishing second in the regular season and conference tournament last season, William and Mary looks to capture the Colonial Athletic Association crown this year. The campaign surged to a promising start Friday, as the College (18-7, 2-0 CAA) defeated Delaware (1013, 0-2 CAA) 5-4 and then 13-10 in a doubleheader at Plumeri Park. “Friday was a big day for us,” head coach Brian Murphy told Tribe Athletics. “There were a couple different games we were able to pull out. The first game was a bit more pitching and execution oriented. Game two, we had a good relief performance which gave us a shot, and we were able to tack on runs throughout.” Junior pitcher Jason Inghram (50) took the mound in the first game, throwing seven and one-third innings
while only giving up three runs. Inghram’s fifth win of the season ties him for the most among CAA pitchers. Senior relief pitcher and third baseman Kevin Casey came on in the ninth with the Tribe up 5-3. After giving up a quick run with no outs, Casey retired the next three batters to strand Inghram a man on second and earn his fourth save of the season. The College’s pitching depth gave the team an advantage in the first game. While Inghram was substituted after showing signs of fatigue, Delaware’s Dan Gatto lasted the entire game. The Tribe rung up four runs on Gatto in the fifth inning. Senior second baseman Ryan Lindemuth hit a two-run home run, his first of two home runs that day. The Tribe was more effective in the
batting box than on the pitching mound in the second game of the doubleheader. Each of the team’s first five hitters recorded two runs apiece. Freshman shortstop Tim Hoehn led the team with three hits. Facing a 5-4 deficit, the College’s offense exploded for seven runs on seven hits in the fourth inning. The Tribe scored four runs before the Blue Hens gained the first out. Junior left fielder Nick Thompson homered to left field to bring home Hoehn and start off the scoring. Junior starting pitcher Bryson Kauhaahaa opened the game for the Tribe, but the Tribe would end up rotating in four other pitchers. Kauhaahaa lasted just two and onethird innings after giving up three earned runs. Sophomore relief pitcher Aaron Fernandez (2-0) earned the win but gave up four runs on seven hits over four innings.
Up 13-5, the Tribe gave up five runs in the seventh inning. Murphy pulled Fernandez after giving up two runs while recording just one out in the inning. Freshman reliever Daniel Powers replaced him but sacrificed three runs to finish the inning. With Delaware back in contention, the College’s relief pitching shut down the Blue Hens over the final two innings, not giving up a single hit. Freshman relief pitcher Nick Brown retired the side in the eighth before sophomore relief pitcher Joseph Gaouette earned his first save of the season to cement the Tribe’s doubleheader sweep. Building on remarkable nonconference success, junior first baseman Michael Katz recorded four hits Friday. Katz currently leads the CAA with a .432 batting average and 13 home runs. The Tribe and the Blue Hens were scheduled to play again Sunday, but the game was
LACROSSE
No. 18 Ohio State drops Tribe 14-7
cancelled due to inclement weather. “It’s good to start off 2-0 in conference,” Murphy told Tribe Athletics. “We would have liked to play Sunday, but Mother Nature had other ideas.” The College travels today to play Richmond (11-12-1). First pitch is planned for 3 p.m.
ONLINE William and Mary topped CAAfoe Delaware before falling to defending national champion No. 4 Sunday over the weekend. With the split weekend, the men’s tennis program sits at 13-8 and 2-0 in the CAA. Check Flathatnews.com for the story.
FH
GYMNASTICS
College squanders second half lead, drops to 2-8 before CAA play
College dominates ECAC Championships
BY SUMNER HIGGINBOTHAM FLAT HAT STAFF WRITER
Men’s program advances to NCAA meet
Underdogs on the road, William and Mary (2-8) almost proved too much for No. 18 Ohio State (8-4) Saturday, as the Tribe led 7-5 with 20 minutes of play remaining. However, the Buckeyes fought off the potential upset, rallying to earn a 14-7 victory. With a 6-1 home record coming into the contest, the Buckeyes looked to outplay the Tribe and scored after just 33 seconds of play. However, the College remained competitive through the first half, with junior attack Ellen Shaffrey Shaffrey leading the way with two goals and a third in the second half. Shaffrey, who leads the team in draw controls, played a key role in the Tribe’s 12-11 draw advantage. Shaffrey was named the Colonial Athletic Association Defensive Player of the Week Monday. The teams played to a 4-4
draw at the break, with Tribe goals from Shaffrey, junior attack Kaleigh Noon and freshman midfielder MC Curran. The College took a lead five minutes into the second half with Shaffrey’s third goal, but the advantage quickly disappeared after the Buckeyes scored off a free position shot. A 30-second span, however, gave the lead back to the Tribe. Curran and Noon scored for the 7-5 advantage with 20 minutes remaining. The Buckeyes were not to be denied and shut out the Tribe for the remainder of the game, using a 9-0 run to seal the victory. The College has struggled to stem
large scoring runs, especially against ranked teams. However, the Tribe has improved significantly in some areas, even from last week’s win against Longwood. Against Ohio State, the Tribe scored on 53 percent of its shots, thanks to improved shot placement and capitalizing on offensive opportunities. The Buckeyes’ stingy defense held the College to only 13 shots. The Buckeyes registered 28 shots. A wintry mix and strong winds skewed the turnover margin, as several passes were affected by the weather. The Tribe, ranked No. 21 nationally
in forced turnovers, caused 19 but also committed 23 turnovers, losing a statistical category which head coach Hillary Fratzke has pointed to as the most important to win. Sophomore goalie Meredith Crizer recorded seven saves in 42 minutes of play while senior Colleen Nofi added another save for the College in 18 minutes of action. The Tribe opens its conference schedule Saturday, traveling to James Madison for a 1 p.m. start. In a preseason poll, the Tribe was picked to finish last in the six-team conference.
BY THE NUMBERS William and Mary has lagged behind opponents offensively. The Tribe trails by 5.3 goals per game, on average, and trails by an average of 61 shots on goal per game.The Tribe leads in turnovers and also trails opponents in draw controls. On the other hand, the College’s defense has recorded 71 saves a game, as compared to 63 opponent saves. — Flat Hat Staff Writer Samantha Cohen Goals scored per game
TRIBE vs. OPPONENTS
8.0 13.3
Assists per game
31 49
Shot percentage
.410 .526
BY JACK POWERS FLAT HAT SPORTS EDITOR William and Mary defeated five other programs to capture the Eastern Collegiate Athletic Conference title Friday, claiming an automatic bid to the National Collegiate Athletic Association Championships. Michigan will host the event April 10-12. The next day, the No. 12 Tribe won four individual event titles. The College amassed 424.05 points Friday, topping No. 13 Army (419.1), No. 14 Navy (413.8), Springfield (407.1), Temple (406.81) and Illinois-Chicago (399.45). Eight Tribe athletes combined to garner 17 individual event qualifications. Senior Daniel Potemski led the team with four qualifications, while sophomore Neal Courter earned three. The Tribe surpassed a school record Friday in the floor competition with a score of 72.15. After proving its depth Friday, the College went on to win four individual titles Saturday. Courter finished first in two of his four events, recording top scores in floor, with a score of 14.95, and vault, with a score of 14.9. Courter was followed by senior Landon Funiciello and junior Jason Wang at the top of the podium. Funiciello finished first in the rings with a score of 16, while Wang won the pommel-horse with a Funiciello score of 14.85. The College also racked up a host of awards Saturday. Funiciello was named the ECAC Senior Gymnast of the Year. Head coach Cliff Gauthier was chosen as the ECAC Coach of the Year, and assistant coach Pete Walker won the Assistant Coach of the Year award. The College will head to the NCAA Championships in Ann Arbor, Michigan April 10.
now let’s get real
Don’t you wanna be? Varietayyyyyyyy! Kitkat rocks Jellie will forever be lesser than flathat.variety@gmail.com
The Fat Head | Tuesday, June 15, 1992 | Page:)
MMMMMMM, Step off, horny oh baby, grandpa’s arrived look at those eyes BEHIND CLOSED DOORS
Pornful Pappy
JUST LET HIM GET HIS ROCKS OFF, OKAY?
We’ve all wondered, how does Dan the Man achieve his gorgeous look? BY MARTHA GORDON RAMSEY FAT HEAD SA INVESTIGATOR
Thank God Dan the Man had some spare time to talk about an important subject: his perfectly coiffed hair. Good hair is all the rage these days — looking at you Ziggy Woodward. Luckily I recorded Dan’s secrets in a Q and A. Q: How does one go about achieving the Dan look? A: I woke up like this. Q: But like those lips. A: Yea, Maybelline lip stain helps me achieve that perfect red shade. I think it makes me mysteriously sexy, a perfect combo to attract those
I love, including but not limited to, The Chief. Q: And the hair. Is that coif natural? And how supple is it? A: Oh, this ‘do? Def natural. Pretty easy, breezy and beautiful. And it has enough movement in it to allow cabinent members to run their hands through my fro during Executive Committee meetings. Q: Let’s move on. How do you arch your eyebrows just so? A: Lesson here: Pain is gain. Gotta tweeze, pluck and wax those suckers until it looks like you’re always surprised and intrigued by life. Q: Great point. Let’s talk about your fashion choices. Do you shop by yourself or does your mom still accompany you?
A: It’s like half and half. She knows my body and how clothes fit on it so that’s always super helpful when shopping at Brooks Brothers. But I like to try it on my own sometimes. I get just such a thrill from getting to choose my own color scheme. Magenta and periwinkle?? Who knew that those colors went together!! It’s just simply amazing how many things you learn when you’re allowed the freedom to choose on your own. Q: What great looks can we expect to see from you this year? A: When J. Crew brings back the fedora, I’m all in, for real. We can only hope that’s during my term as Prez.
This message has been approved by THE CHIEF
Right-o Overheard. You caught me. I’m just trying to use the machines at Swem Library when Internet Explorer leads me to YouPorn.com. Holy Jesus Christ, that site is one heck of an invention. I was happier than a pig in shit. You get my gist? Who cares if it was the middle of the day? When grandpa’s craving the goods, grandpa’s gonna get them. You guys really have to learn how to make hay while the sun shines. Back in my day, you had to jack off to erotic novellas or bathing suit advertisements. With YouPorn, I’m set for life! In the end, you win some, you lose some, you watch porn in Swem. Pornful Pappy is a former boy who underwent puberty and became a man. Like everyone else who enjoys sex.
Overheard makes us all look like creeps, but it’s cool.
Whatever you do in this lifetime, do not forget the 5 Gs. BY SENIORITIS SADLER FAT HEAD ADVICE GIVER
Single ladies of the College: have you ever looked around and wondered why it is impossible to date on this campus? Fear no more, it is not your fault, I have an answer. Our dating pool is slashed in half to begin with, as half of the William and Mary population never leaves their room, research lab or cubicle. Now, take a look at the remaining 50 percent of the male population: while the odds are good, the goods are are odd. My first semester of College, a seemingly terrifying a jaded senior took me aside and explained the “five G’s” of William and Mary men.
These”five G’s” cover the majority of WIlliam and Mary me, with some male students fitting into more than one category. 1) God This is the person who asks you what sorority you’re in before he asks how you’re doing. He is very high on themselves and they define their whole life worth on their involvement in their fraternity/ sports team/club/ internship. They will define you on this same criteria. Because, obviously, the best dates are on the soccer team AND in Sigma Chi. 2) Geek Poor kid is so socially awkward that he or she doesn’t know how to interact with anyone besides the lab rats he spends countless hours with in the
basement of the ISC. He will flirt with you by sharing his study guide, but the height of romance will be when he shows you his secret Swem spot. 3) Ginger Not all gingers are bad looking (here’s looking at you, Ron Weasley), but this category is a broad stroke of all ugly guys. This includes the scrawny, the pimpled, the extremely disheveled and the just plain bad looking. 4) Gay Most girls at William and Mary have at least a few fabulous sassy gay friends. This is wonderful, but draws quite a bit from the dating pool. Le sigh…. 5) Got a girlfriend All the good one’s get snatched up early on. Plain and simple.
GOD
GEEK
GINGER
GAY
GIRL
OTHERS
Marriages TedX asks: What is innovation? now offered Innovation is... in Morton Hall! The building will sink before your marriage does! Call 1-800-TWAMPLUV
landlording over the city
ample use of social media
the Republican Part-ay
staying classy 2014
using the “Ostrich” to find friends
renting fabrics that change the world
spurts
Flat Hat
SPORTZ IN BRIEFS
Marcus’ Twitter wisdom *VERY RARE*
“I admire the few ppl that can remove their bias from a situation & see things for what they truly are, even if it puts them in a bad light.” “Fast food restaurants famous for askin’ what sauce you want while you’re ordering, but when you get your food, it’s no sauce in the bag.” “They say real girls ain’t never perfect, perfect girls ain’t real.” — MARIUS THORSTON, BASKETBALL STAR, HOPELESS ROMANTIC
The Fat Head | January 29, 1806 | Page IO
Marius
Jimbo Big Ballz
Shaves, assistants sign on for “Pantsless Show-
RANDOM SHIT Ben Whichlatch to join Dougie Howard on Harlem Globetrotters Men’s basketball walk-on and perennial benchwarmer/ hypeman Ben Whichlatch recently announced plans to join his predecessor, Dougie Howard, on the Harlem Globetrotters. “I’ve worked my whole life for this,” Whitlach said. “They said somebody with a growth disorder couldn’t make it in basketball. But Dougie and I are fully committed to becoming the greatest novelty basketball players of all time.”
Cosmo adds “Laycock Special” to list of sexual positions Cosmo recently visited the Burg and took the name for its newest sexual position. “Can’t believe nobody thought of this before us,” a Cosmo editor said. “It’s basically reverse cowgirl but with colonial wigs on. And once you finish you have to say, ‘just trying to go 1-0 every week.’”
Driscoll turns down Patriot League invitation over True Detective
“Shoeless is for pussies,” Shaves says
Missing from spring practice, LeCock found binge-playing NCAA 14 on XBOX BY #GET BEHIND THE TRIBE *WINK WINK* FAT HEAD LAYCOCK STALKER
Athletic Director Terry Drinkscoll has put Jimmye Laycock on time out for refusing to come to the football team’s spring practices. Instead, LeCock has locked himself in his basement to play EA Sports NCAA Football 14 on XBOX 360. “Look, it’s no secret that Jimbo hasn’t given a shit about the W&M team for the better part of a decade,” a promotion-seeking assistant coach told us on the condition of anonymity. “But this has gotten out of hand. His virtual team has replaced the real team.” A source tells us that he’s on his 28th season in Career Mode of this year’s edition. After his virtual character (named “Jimbo Big Balls”) lost in the quarter-finals in his 7th season, he left the “FCS East Dragons” team to take the head coaching position at Boston College. His custom playbook includes nothing but play-action QB rollouts, screen passes and HB draws. Laycock has been absent from W&M’s spring practices since the beginning of March. Quarterbacks coach Davey Coorsley, who’s effectively been running the program since 2011, was the one who found LeCock in his basement and snapped the above photo. Coorsley promptly quit and took a job at UConn. “We were all concerned when after last season he told the assistants to just simulate through the recruiting process,” Coorsley said. “He got pretty pissed when we told him he’d have
to go recruit a lineman in Roanoke. He only wanted to go to towns with a Panera.” Once outed, LeCock apologized and promised he’d show up for every Thursday practice, when the boosters come and watch. He said that on game days he’d do his part by pacing up and down the sideline and babbling incoherently into a disconnected headset. “I was in some sort of trance in 1990 when I turned down the Boston College offer,” LeCock said in a prepared statement. “I came out of it at the end of last season and realized that I’d spent the bulk of my working life in Williamsburg fucking Virginia. Needless to say, I just wanted to get away. Going 7-5 and missing the playoffs is easy enough, but I couldn’t even phone it in anymore. So I did what anybody would. I bought some molly from one of the players and threw the NCAA game in. It gave me a chance to do it all over again.” Drinkscoll said that there was nothing else he could do to punish LeCock, who’s been W&M’s head coach since around 1912 (don’t believe Wikipedia, nobody’s really sure when he took over). According to Drinkscoll, LeCock’s contract has a special provision naming him the secret overlord of the Athletics Department. “He has a building named after him and he’s still here for Christ’s sake,” Drinkscoll said. “His office is wayyyy nicer than mine. What do you want me to do? Sometimes he makes me call him ‘Daddy’. It’s degrading.”
BY FUCK DELAWARE CARL BAPTISTE IS THE SON OF THE DEVIL
“The Shoeless Showdown” has long been a staple of the W&M Men’s basketball schedule, but the Athetics department recently announced that Tory Shaves and co. will kick it up a notch next season for a pantsless showdown. TribeAthletics even tweeted out the photo below with the caption “All-CAA Twerk Team.” “We realized that down here in Virginia, collecting used pants from all the fatasses would be a lot more efficient. Do you know how much fabric is used for a size 48 waist?” an athletics department spokesman said.
Tory Shaves: Biggest balls in the CAA
Flat Hat columnist assaults football player, flees to Wales BY PRESSBOX PIMPIN’ FAT HEAD MOUSTACHE MAVEN
vs
When Athletics Director Terence Drinkscoll went to visit with PL Commissioner Carolyn Fernie to discuss W&M joining the conference, all was going well. But near the end Fernie dropped a bomb, admitting she doesn’t watch the popular HBO series. “Would the Patriot League make like 500% more sense for us than the CAA?” a spokesman said, “Obviously. But their commissioner lady doesn’t even watch True Dective. Like, are you serious? I can’t even. Also, CAA Commissioner Tom YaegerBomb lets us do whatever we want, he’s always too drunk to care. Apparently being the commissioner of a mid-major conference on the decline is pretty depressing.” Drinkscoll himself wasn’t available for comment. His spokesman says that he sleeps for about 18 hours a day. “He doesn’t really know what’s going on,” the spokesman said.
Did you buy Rusthoven a drink? Nah he’s driving Will Stites ever glance your way? Maybe ’cause she’s super nice
Jock Raffs Ortiz
Flat Hat associate spurts editor Mike Slone is on the run from authorities after allegedly assaulting Tribe quarterback Raffs Ortiz and giving him a swirly. According to authorities, the assault was the result of Ortiz voicing his displeasure with a column Sloan wrote on his fellow quarterback and overall BFF, Mikey Graham.
Despite Ortiz being a jacked football player and Slone’s hours of time spent in a dank basement, affinity for T-Swift, and LoveActually trivia knowledge, witnesses say Slone used a special Magic the Gathering trick to stun Ortiz. Sloan then allegedly crane kicked the quarterback and stuck his head in the toilet. Police are pointing to a series of tweets Slone sent out shortly after the attack as proof of his guilt. “Dude was talking all that shit till I whipped
out Hexproof and dropped his ass,” the first tweet reads. “He got in one aight shot but I had the Regeneration card on me, you know I don’t leave the crib w/o that shit.” Ortiz talked about the attack in an interview. “Athletes have been getting bullied for far too long. I’m not ashamed to say that I was bullied. Somebody has to step up and speak out.” Slone has reportedly fled to Scotland to avoid prosecution.
TWAMP Mike Slone
TWAMP BRACKET
And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for. THE TWAMP BRACKET. The most important, least legitimate ranking of students based on arbitrary feelings about each other. Just remember, in the end, we’re one tribe, one family. This competition cannot, and will not, tear us apart. We will remain strong. But congrats to the Twamp Winner. You can always tell your coworkers about this in the years to come.