Vol. 69, Iss. 420 | APRIL FOOLS NERDS
the FAt HeAd !e One and Only Newspaper In Williamsburg
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JAMIE HOLT / THE FLAT
Singular member of The Flat Hat protests in front of newly disguised Tesla
DOGE slashes student journalism funding, turns out nobody cares Rowe responds to protests, disguises Teslas as Subarus HUNK IN CHIEF // THE FAT HEAD
Friday, March 28, Department of Government Efficiency Supreme Leader Elon Musk announced major funding cuts to The College of William and Mary student newspaper The Flat Hat. Without their regular operating budget, The Flat Hat only has capacity to print this shitty flyer. The same day as Musk’s announcement, a group of student protesters marched to the home of College President Katherine Rowe to egg her family’s two Teslas. An organizer for the protest, who wished to remain anonymous for the purpose of this article, clarified that these actions had no relation to The Flat Hat’s funding cuts. “I had no idea that happened,” the organizer said. “We just thought Kathy’s Tessies were looking a little too shiny of late.” Another participant in the student protest expressed a similar sentiment. “What’s The Flat Hat?” she said. Some question whether such lack of concern is truly genuine. Musk’s decision to reduce The Flat Hat’s semesterly budget to $4.20 went public just hours before the defacing of Rowe’s vehicles. “The timing can’t possibly be a coincidence,” The Flat Hat Editor-in-Chief Queefin Chin ’26 said. “[The protesters] are just afraid of losing aura points by admitting they read The Flat Hat.” Student Accountability and Restorative Practices has launched
an investigation into the students who engaged in the egging. Rowe also released an email to the community in response.
Rowe makes a show of triumph after surviving devastating egg attack JAMIE HOLT/THE FLAT HAT
“Who comes here belongs here. I have always said that. Belonging extends to all of us: men, women, Caucasians, African Americans, queers, and, yes, even Tesla owners. I am shocked and disappointed in such an uncouth, discriminatory attack on our community. I will see to it that the full strength of DOGE, I mean SARP, falls upon the communist terrorists who harmed my babies,” she wrote. After the protest, community members noticed Rowe’s cars donning new mustaches, glasses and a Subaru logo. Some students hypothesize that this is an attempt to disguise the cars as nonTeslas. “She’s clearly afraid,” the protest organizer said. “That means our actions worked. I’m happy to see that we’re making some gains within the community, if not on a larger scale.” Rowe denies such allegations. She claims that her new decorations were in support of the College’s upcoming “Pride Month” organized by Lambda, Drag and Drop, Queer and Trans People Of Color, Out in Science Technology Engineering and Math and Student Assembly. “I just love the lesbian community. I love our lesbian community. It is truly tragic that I am not part of this community, so I have transitioned my cars to be part of it. Meet Dental Dam (she/her) and Tribber (she/they).”
HEALTH EMERGENCY
N a t i o n a l m e a s l e s o u t b re a k t ra c e d b a c k to N L E C h o p p a m o s h p i t
Shotta Flow? More like Shotta No: Slut Me Out of the hellscap e that is woke leftist vaccine-pushers RFKʼS PARASITIC BRAIN WORM THE FAT HEAD Friday, March 28, the long-awaited musical savant NLE Choppa descended upon Kaplan Arena to perform his magnum opus trifecta of “Slut Me Out” featuring “Slut Me Out – Country Me Out” and unveiling his new masterpiece “Slut Me Out – Choppa’s Version, From the Vault, Sad Girl Autumn, Acoustic Long Pond Studio Sessions.” Students from all walks of the William and Mary world flocked to New Campus in hopes that they might be one of the lucky few to caress Choppa’s toned biceps, only to be sorely disappointed by his commitment to a sex-less life. Fortunately, some hope was maintained. “No pussy all month, Ramadan type shit. Well…maybe a little bit of pussy,” Choppa said. If getting a college of virgins to scream “put your ass in my face ‘til I get pink eye” wasn’t impressive enough, CDC officials revealed on Sunday that a national measles outbreak had been traced back to the NLE Choppa mosh pit, citing Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr., who told The Fat Head that “no one actually knows how measles spreads, but we know it was you fucking nerds.” Even though measles is a historically mysterious and entirely undiagnosable disease, professors hiding out in the abandoned remains of the old ISC building tried to convince us during interviews that something called a “vaccine” was readily available for the illness, though The Fat Head cannot confirm nor deny these preposterous rumors. Infected students who participated in the mosh pit were eager to comment on their experience at the concert. “Bro, I literally thought I was like…tripping when I saw all these people looking like connect-the-dots,” said one concertgoer. “Then I realized the dots were, like… contagious or something.” Meanwhile, NLE Choppa himself remained perfectly fine, because of course he did. Choppa was too busy delivering bars to notice the mosh pit slowly transforming into a CDC case study. Since that fateful night, students and United States citizens alike have been referring to the outbreak as the Great Twamp Plague of 2025. Shortly after news broke citing the College as patient zero, Choppa took to
INSECTS Good Page (Emma) Miles’ Page Good Page (Emma)
Twitter (I’m not calling it X), posting “Y’all telling me my show was so FIRE it spread MEASLES??? Viral AF. Get well soon tho frfr.” In addition to his post, Choppa is expected to host a benefit concert next weekend to support victims of the outbreak, hinting earlier this week at a new pitch for semen retention as a potential new cure for measles. Even though all of our impressively uninformed and concerningly dedicated readers hate when we endorse things, The Fat Head is PROUD to endorse NLE Choppa’s
VIDEO FEATURE
JAMIE HOLT/THE FLAT HAT
commitment to worldwide measles elimination, especially since no such efforts have previously been made by the incompetent commie radical left. And you know what? While we’re at it, what is UP with scientists trying to cure everything anyway. Maybe the real measles are the friends we made along the way. To be honest, these little, round spots on our arms are starting to feel like the only consistent thing we’ve been able to maintain at our measly little paper. In fact, Big
Inside your mom 1 2 3
Pharma and their army of oat-milk-drinking, virtue-signaling, TikTokinfluencing sheeple want you to believe that these so-called “vaccines” are the only way to stay healthy. The lamestream media keeps telling us that vaccines have been around for decades, saving millions of lives. Oh, really? And we’re just supposed to take their word for it? Sounds a little too convenient. You know what else has been around for thousands of years? Semen. And the will to retain it. Patriots, the liberal elites embedded within the deep state have spent years infiltrating our schools and our churches, trying to inject us with their Satanic serums and microchip implants. The Fat Head says ENOUGH. Honestly, anyone trying to cure their measles with “vaccines” are fake NLE Choppa fans. Heed our endorsement and listen to Choppa’s wisdom advising us to heal naturally without letting some globalist elite dictate your every move. Following the NLE Choppa benefit concert, merchandise will be freely available to the first 100 people to tag him in their Instagram stories. Follow The Fat Head for more developments.
Kelly Crace departs from W&M, begins new position at at The Pitt We are so proud of him! He is so beautiful and he is saving so many lives. Good job buddy! page 1
Inside your mom
Flat Hat EIC accidentally added to W&M GRI Signal chat
“I didn’t think that there would be military strikes in this one too,” said FHEIC. page 2
Inside your mom NoVA theater kid revealed to be Lockheed Martin nepo baby Still venmo requests friends for gas after ten minute drive. page 3