THE FAT HEAD Vol. 420, Iss. 69 | Wednesday, Apirl 15, 2026
The Weekly Student Newspaper
of The College of William and Mary
flathatnews.com | @theflathat
DATA BY SHRADHA DINESH / THE FLAT HAT
Spam Belljar ‘27 unmasked as William and Mary Pisser Junior’s perverted rampage brought to a halt by heroic sophomore Garble
RATE NOSS // FAT HEAD PISS REPORTER
“ I t w a s a l w a y s m e ,” S p a m B e l l j a r ’ 2 7 s a i d w i t h a perverted grin. Belljar was mid-stream when Mikey Garble ’28 burst through the bushes by Kaplan Arena, f l a s h l i g h t p o i n t e d a t B e l l j a r ’s f a c e . A f t e r a m o n t h s long hunt to catch the elusive “William and Mary P i s s e r ,” G a r b l e w a s s h o c k e d t o d i s c o v e r h i s d e a r friend was the culprit. E a r l i e r t h i s y e a r, v i d e o s a c r o s s m u l t i p l e s o c i a l media platforms began to surface of a man known as t h e “ W i l l i a m a n d M a r y P i s s e r .” D e p i c t e d w a s t h e u s e r relieving himself on various beloved landmarks and locations across the No. 7 most beautiful campus in America according to Forbes Magazine. “ I b e g a n t o l i v e i n f e a r ,” M a d - A g a i n W e t - D a - B e d ’28 said. “My walks to class, to see friends, to get food were all compromised by this act of pure , u n a d u l t e r e d p e r v e r s i o n .” Fo r B e l l j a r, t h e s e a c t s w e r e n o t a i m e d a t a n y p a r t i c u l a r p e r s o n o r i n s t i t u t i o n . R a t h e r, h e e x p l a i n s , i t w a s f o r “ t h e l o v e o f t h e g a m e .” And what a game that was — 67 locations peed on in 7 days. The last person to complete numbers even similar to this was Alexander Hamilton in 1889. His serial peeing streak caught the attention of many, including one deeply-motivated G ar ble.
For him, it wasn’t even about the destruc tion and desecration of the campus he calls home. He was disturbed that this individual was peeing in public without inviting him. I n a n a t t e m p t t o “ g e t i n o n t h e a c t i o n ,” G a r b l e tracked Belljar for weeks, following trails of urine into academic buildings, dorms, and even public bathrooms. According to Garble, he studied the habits of serial pissers past, proing over splash patterns and conducting pH experiments in a hastily-constructed laborator y. One night, Garble witnessed a stream arcing over the Crim Dell, but by the time he reached the bridge, the culprit had zipped up and dashed into the trees. H o w e v e r, t h e c l o s e c a l l o n l y m a d e G a r b l e m o r e motivated. “Nothing was coming between me and that p i s s e r ,” G a r b l e s a i d . To h i s g r e a t d e l i g h t , G a r b l e e v e n t u a l l y g o t w h a t he wanted, but Belljar didn’t escape punishment, sentenced to one week working for the WCWM radio. “ That was quite possibly the worst punishment I c o u l d h a v e r e c e i v e d ,” B e l l j a r s a i d . “ I h a v e l e a r n e d m y l e s s o n .”
CAMPUS
Junior leads charge on referendum banning all future transfer students Basketball player Colin Ndaw counters with campaign to actually let them in; Wow what a hero
Th u r s d ay, April 9, transfer students are in disbelief after the student body overwhelmingly approved a referendum question directing President Rowe to send t h e m t o U n i v e r s i t y o f V i r g i n i a ’s Wise campus in Wise, Virginia. The unusually high 15% turnout shows just how strong the discontent among the student body is against the recent influx of transfers. The petitioner of the referendum, Orientation Aide Director Moan Godzilla ’27, is the leader of the campaign. “ These transfers come in and don’t l e a r n t o s p e a k t h e l a n g u a g e ,” G o d z i l l a s a i d. “ Th e o t h e r d ay, I h e a rd a t ra n s fe r c a l l K a p S i g ‘ K - S i g s .’ S o m e o f t h e m t h i n k T W A M P r h y m e s w i t h A M P. I t ’s really hard for me as an OAD to inject s o m e G r e e n & G o l d i n t o t h e i r b l o o d .” The Fa t Head secured a response from President Katherine Rowe after camping outside of her ultimate frisbee game. “I don’t know what to d o ,” Rowe said. “Everyone knows I am legally bound by these student referenda. At the very least, I hope our transfers enjoy the bustling metropolis of Wise, V i r g i n i a .” H o w e v e r, embedded in the
INDEX Profile News Opinions Variety Sports
referendum is also a clause calling f o r t h e r e n a m i n g o f U V A ’s G r o u n d s t o G r i f f i n ’s G a r d e n . G o d z i l l a , w h o i s a l s o T h e F a t H e a d ’s e d i t o r , s a i d while she thinks sending transfers t o U VA - W i s e w i l l b e b e n e f i c i a l t o t h e orientation process, she is not totally lacking compassion and hopes the renaming of Grounds will provide a s e n s e o f c o n n e c t i o n t o W & M ’s campus to the expelled students. “Everybody can get behind Hark U p o n t h e G a l e ,” G o d z i l l a a d d e d . As The Fa t H e a d ’s editorial board, which Godzilla also sits on, endorsed the referendum, the paper did not feel inclined to interview any stinky transfers. The one transfer on the board we made sure to point out his involvement with Student Assembly w a s a g a i n s t T h e F a t H e a d ’s m u c h beloved and much-adhered-to constitution and expelled him. “ T h a n k y o u M o a n f o r t h i s ,” L a m e McMoron ’27 said. “I’ve always said t h i s . I ’ v e b e e n s a y i n g t h i s .” I n t h e traditional sense, McMoron would be c o n s i d e r e d a t r a n s f e r, h a v i n g s p e n t his first semester abroad. But Europe does not have real universities. “GO STUDENT AC TIVISM!” Anne RSO, an a d m i n i s t r a t o r, said.
Inside Romance 2 3-4 5-6 7-8 9-10
Oh my goodness, Valentine! Spam Belljar ‘27 asks superstar pop singer Sabrina Carpenter to the media council formal. Carpenter says no, duh. page 5
Inside Variety
Victory!
Team Chalant wins inaugural Grace Raynor trivia bowl page 8
Inside Sports
Big swing for FH!
Fat Head allowed to table at DFAS for the first time since the Jake Forbes incident. page 9