THE FAT HEAD
Spam Belljar ‘27 unmasked as William and Mary Pisser
“It was always me,” Spam Belljar ’27 said with a perverted grin.
Belljar was mid-stream when Mikey Garble ’28 burst through the bushes by Kaplan Arena, flashlight pointed at Belljar’s face. After a monthslong hunt to catch the elusive “William and Mary Pisser,” Garble was shocked to discover his dear friend was the culprit.
Earlier this year, videos across multiple social media platforms began to surface of a man known as the “William and Mary Pisser.” Depicted was the user relieving himself on various beloved landmarks and locations across the No. 7 most beautiful campus in America according to Forbes Magazine.
“I began to live in fear,” Mad-Again Wet-Da-Bed ’28 said. “My walks to class, to see friends, to get food were all compromised by this act of pure , unadultered perversion.”
For Belljar, these acts were not aimed at any particular person or institution. Rather, he explains, it was for “the love of the game.”
And what a game that was — 67 locations peed on in 7 days. The last person to complete numbers even similar to this was Alexander Hamilton in 1889. His serial peeing streak caught the attention of many, including one deeply-motivated Garble.
For him, it wasn’t even about the destruction and desecration of the campus he calls home. He was disturbed that this individual was peeing in public without inviting him.
In an attempt to “get in on the action,” Garble tracked Belljar for weeks, following trails of urine into academic buildings, dorms, and even public bathrooms.
According to Garble, he studied the habits of serial pissers past, proing over splash patterns and conducting pH experiments in a hastily-constructed laboratory.
One night, Garble witnessed a stream arcing over the Crim Dell, but by the time he reached the bridge, the culprit had zipped up and dashed into the trees.
However, the close call only made Garble more motivated.
“Nothing was coming between me and that pisser,” Garble said.
To his great delight, Garble eventually got what he wanted, but Belljar didn’t escape punishment, sentenced to one week working for the WCWM radio.
“That was quite possibly the worst punishment I could have received,” Belljar said. “I have learned my lesson.”
Junior leads charge on referendum banning all future transfer students
Thursday, April 9, transfer students are in disbelief after the student body overwhelmingly approved a referendum question directing President Rowe to send them to University of Virginia’s Wise campus in Wise, Virginia.
The unusually high 15% turnout shows just how strong the discontent among the student body is against the recent influx of transfers.
The petitioner of the referendum, Orientation Aide Director Moan Godzilla ’27, is the leader of the campaign.
“These transfers come in and don’t learn to speak the language,” Godzilla said. “The other day, I heard a transfer call Kap Sig ‘K-Sigs.’ Some of them think TWAMP rhymes with AMP. It’s really hard for me as an OAD to inject some Green & Gold into their blood.”
The Fat Head secured a response from President Katherine Rowe after camping outside of her ultimate frisbee game.
“I don’t know what to do,” Rowe said. “Everyone knows I am legally bound by these student referenda. At the very least, I hope our transfers enjoy the bustling metropolis of Wise, Virginia.”
However, embedded in the
referendum is also a clause calling for the renaming of UVA’s Grounds to Griffin’s Garden. Godzilla, who is also The Fat Head’s editor, said while she thinks sending transfers to UVA-Wise will be beneficial to the orientation process, she is not totally lacking compassion and hopes the renaming of Grounds will provide a sense of connection to W&M’s campus to the expelled students.
“Everybody can get behind Hark Upon the Gale,” Godzilla added.
As The Fat Head’s editorial board, which Godzilla also sits on, endorsed the referendum, the paper did not feel inclined to interview any stinky transfers.
The one transfer on the board we made sure to point out his involvement with Student Assembly was against The Fat Head’s muchbeloved and much-adhered-to constitution and expelled him.
“Thank you Moan for this,” Lame McMoron ’27 said. “I’ve always said this. I’ve been saying this.” In the traditional sense, McMoron would be considered a transfer, having spent his first semester abroad. But Europe does not have real universities.
“GO STUDENT ACTIVISM!” Anne
an administrator, said.
THE FAT HEAD
Sell or no sell?
Friday, April 10, President Katherine Rowe announced the newest addition to her 100 Year Plan for the growth and development of the College of William and Mary. Due to the College’s falling rankings and admissions, the school plans to prepare the Integrated Science Center for sale in the year 2126.
The construction of the new extension on the ISC, ISC4, cost the College a whopping $103 million dollars — a deficit that the school has not yet offset with incoming funds, such as college tuition. Over the course of the academic year, the newly established School for Computing, Data Science and Physics has embraced artificial intelligence with open arms.
Against student wishes, the School of CDSP has established a data center on campus, causing perpetual power outages during finals and course registration. The College has also implemented robots in Commons Dining Hall, which has led to daily spills of bowls of soup and cereal.
“I now find myself clutching my tomato soup for dear life,” bystander Twila Greedy ’27 said.
Admissions have now fallen 600% as prospective
students are wary of the direction the College is heading, nearly bankrupting the school. As a result, the administration has opted into a 100 Year Plan to prepare the ISC for sale. Most student organizations are strongly opposed to this plan, with a strong exception being the newly established Department of College Efficiency — the first and only RSO to support the plan. At the head of DOCE are co-presidents Paddie Mocomedy and Beggin Rude-as-Hell.
Over the next century, the College intends to slowly discourage student research by cutting funding to the Charles Center and selling used equipment from research labs. Members of DOCE have also advocated for the transfer of all classes from ISC to Boswell Hall.
“The numbers look great for us and, beyond that, I am honored to support such a worthy cause,” Mocomedy ’27 said.
“It is easily the most financially, and logically, sound choice for us as a school to make,” Rude-as-Hell ’27 agreed.
The current list price for the ISC is $104 million dollars — the anticipated $1 million dollar profit from the sale will directly support the DOCE’s soon-to-come project. Stay tuned for more information.
Friends of Ethan Qin ’26 thought they were being invited to any other house party at his Williamsburg home. Instead, guests walked in to find something remarkable; on the couch of the living room, decked out with frat boy flags of Sabrina Carpenter, was a laundry basket filled with neatly folded laundry.
“I finally did it and wanted to show you guys!” Qin exclaimed with childlike glee.
Qin, 21, had never learned how to do laundry up until this point. Ever since he moved to college, he struggled with knowing how to find the right detergent, fill the machine with dirty clothes, and select the correct cycle. In one particularly embarrassing moment, he selected the “Delicate” cycle because he thought the machine would be mean to his clothes if he did otherwise.
Despite achieving great things like being elected as the 115th Editor-in-Chief
of The Flat Hat, winning multiple awards for his excellent journalism, serving as an Orientation Aide, and even interning for KDR, his inability to complete this simple household task had always been an insecurity for Qin. He was often forced to purchase entirely new wardrobes to have clean clothes to wear.
Hen McLoafin, long-time friend and neglected mentee of Qin, was often suspicious of Qin’s laundry abilities. “I always noticed he never wore the same shirt twice. I also noticed that his backyard had this ever-growing pile of clothes,” he said. Transitioning from a communal machine to a home machine was what caused the most confusion for Qin. Moldy Martian recalled how he would often conveniently need to do laundry whenever she did, and would ask her to just “throw a couple of my things in there”.
“I’ve never done laundry in a public space,” Qin clarified. “I’m not a multimachine person.”
Qin decided enough was enough. He enrolled in a 4 semester, 16 credit course at William and Mary on the fundamentals of laundry. It tanked his GPA as he got a C- in the course, but he got enough out of it that his friends noticed the remarkable achievement.
“Not only did he properly roll his socks instead of leaving it as a pile on the hamper, he even told me that he managed to separate his darks and whites,” said Spam Belljar, a short-time friend of Qin.
Qin says his next goal is to tackle loading the dishwasher, and further down the line, perhaps learning to unload it as well.
“I like to take these hard tasks one day at a time,” he said.
