CRIME >> PAGE 11
College brings black woman, war criminal to campus
Vol. XXX, Iss. YY | Friday, April 1, 2015
The Fat Head The Once-Yearly Student Samizdat
of The College of William and Mary
Please
task force on partial birth abortion • task force on virgin sacrifice • task force on preventing sexual assault and harrassment • Task force on cosmetic amputation • Task force on historical revisionism
Task forces run amok
task force on race and race relations • task force on brazzers memberships • task force on needle sharing • task force on zayn leaving one direction • task force on fisting
Taylord Revley creates task force to mitigate task force problem
kj rolling yik yak task force member
Bowing to the Board of Visitors’ concerns that the situation was “getting out of hand,” College of William and Mary President Taylord Revley has announced that he will put together a Task Force to deal with the problem of Task Forces on campus. The formal announcement came in an email to students late Wednesday evening. Citing student and administrative complaints over “bureaucratic confusion” and “rampant looting,” Revley said that the main purpose of the Task Force on Task Forces (TFoTF) is to corral and investigate the actions of the many Task Forces currently ransacking and burning their way through campus. “At first I thought it was, you know, a
pretty spiffy idea,” Revley said. “We could create a few Task Forces to deal with the many issues facing William and Mary, such as the Task Force on Race and Race Relations and the Task Force on Preventing Sexual Assault and Harassment.” Revley, however, feels that he got a carried away. “I must have become a bit Task Forcehappy, because before I knew it I was creating the Task Force on Cosmetic Amputation and the Task Force on Virgin Sacrifice. Who knew there were so many virgins on this campus? But that’s the thing: You create one little Task Force, and suddenly the floor of Lake Matoaka is just littered with drowned bodies.” Revley assured the student body that the TFoTF will quickly and efficiently end the Task Force epidemic.
Help.
Counseling Center unable to find itself
Cannot make appointment, locate room buddha lifepath consultant
The Counseling Center was unable to find itself last Monday, after showing up at Blow Memorial Hall for an appointment it had scheduled. The Counseling Center, who prefers to go by Counseling, claims that he had been feeling a lot of pressure recently, both in his academic and his personal life, and that an appointment would have been helpful. “It’s just, I don’t know,” Counseling said, over a cup of coffee at Swemromas. “You would think that the administration would take these things a bit more seriously. I mean, here I am, looking for someone to talk to, to really, just, get some stuff in my life straightened out, and I can’t even find myself. Am I on the second floor of Blow? The third? Does Blow even have a third floor? What’s with that strange side door?” Counseling went on to chide the administration over a perceived negligence toward mental health on campus. “I mean, mental health is really important, guys. Can no one else see that? Does no one else care? Why would you put the one meager mental health resource you provide for students in the middle of a labyrinth?”
Incest Mothers Fathers Brothers Sisters Cousins Second Cousins Dogs
Counseling said that students are often lost and sad in the middle of Blow, and that he feels powerless to stop it. “ S o m e t i m e s ,” C o u n s e l i n g continued, “I see students just roaming the halls of Blow looking for me. They look really upset, and I, I want to reach out to them. I want to say, ‘Hey! Look! I’m right over here! Come find me, I’m right here!’” “But I can’t,” Counseling said. “I’m a room.” Administration spokespeople declined to comment for this article. Counseling wasn’t surprised. “I probably shouldn’t be saying this,” Counseling said, “but I once walked in on a few deans shredding some envelopes that had the words ‘Mental Health Money’ written on them. They were throwing the paper shreds up in the air and dancing around while Blue Swede’s ‘Hooked on a Feeling’ played in the background. It was weird.” For now, the Counseling Center is going to take solace in the care and comfort of his friends. But he recognizes that even the best friendships can’t replace professional help. “I might try to make another appointment next week, but I don’t know. College is supposed to be all about finding yourself. I’m starting to wonder if that’s even possible.”
Today’s Weather 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
“I fully entrust the TFoTF to clean up this campus, and rid us of the Task Force problem too long overlooked,” Reveley said. “Who knows? Maybe we’ll be able to put out the perpetual fire raging in Millington by the end of the spring semester.” The heads of the major on-campus Task Forces could not be reached for comment, although a source close to the head of the Task Force on Historical Revisionism said that the TFoTF’s efforts will come to nothing. “Just let them try and stop us,” she said, lighting a pyre under the leader of the Task Force on Needle Sharing. “The tide of history is on our side. May it be the will of the Great Task Force in the Sky that our Task Force will taste victory. Sweet, merciless victory. Amen.”
Send
Dirty Dancing star, rapper to head mental health dept. Shwayze expands roll at the College coronita imdb member
In an email to the campus community, Ana B. Martínez announced that acclaimed rapper Shwayze will be replacing Donna Heigüd Jaxon as Chief CAREbear at the College of William and Mary, effective immediately. “While Dr. Heigüd Jaxon has provided valuable services to the College, the administration agrees that Shwayze’s relatable brand and universal appeal will restart the conversation about mental health while most importantly attracting alumni donations,” Martínez said in the email. Shwayze, an artist known for his love of Corona and lime, may not have a Ph.D. in psychology, but he has promised students to do his best, come hell or your brother. “I will be your main squeeze,” Shwayze said. “And if your brother don’t like my style, we can take it to the street.” Reactions to the change in administration have been mixed. While many students are hopeful that Shwayze’s rhyming skills
and advocacy of illegal drug use will help chip away at the stigma surrounding mental health, others have less faith in him, and some are just confused. “Isn’t Shwayze the guy from Dirty Dancing?” Colly Danlin ’15 said. “I thought he was dead. Is this like a Ghost thing?” Shwayze — not to be confused with his Swayze substantially more attractive and more famous counterpart, the late actor Patrick Swayze — responded to Danlin’s remarks with a very mentally healthy attitude. “I move on like the Greyhound bus,” Shwayze said. “I go town to town and I prey on sluts.” Heigüd Jaxon, who has been demoted to Junior CAREbear, clearly has something to learn from Shwayze about healthy coping mechanisms and shaking it off. She was unavailable for comment, but a picture was recently posted on Overheard of her crying over a Ben and Jerry’s Vermonster at the Counseling Center.
I don’t
SA takes law into own hands Senate declares martial law, Googles how to enforce it dick cheney jeb 4 prez
The Student Assembly Senate voted unanimously to form a coalition to protect students from various campus dangers, including purse snatchings and biker hit-andruns at Tuesday’s meeting. The Don’t Fuck the Police, Become the Police Act outlined several ways the senators plan to protect the College’s student body, including looking into finding some way of seeming intimidating (“can anyone Photoshop us a cool S.H.I.E.L.D.-esque logo?”) and seeing if they could potentially scrounge up some tasers or pepper spray. “The bill passed unanimously — which is great and means we can enact it at any moment — but we just have one or two kinks we need to work out. They mainly include figuring out what exactly we’re going to do and what we meant by ‘protect’ but that’s just details, really,” Senator and President-elect Yoyoma Wit-maker said. This legislation is one of the first with real “teeth,”
COURTESY PHOTO / THE LORD, GOD ALMIGHTY
The egomainacle psychopaths, pictured above, practiced their sharp-shooting skills to prepare for the martial law they declared on campus Tuesday. One is quoted as saying, “Oh, boy, guns are heavy. Oh, boy.”
according to various members of the SA. Senate Chair Danni Hackerman said he would patrol the campus nightly because he’s from Michigan and Michigan is the home of Detroit and Eminem, so he is probably the most capable at instilling martial law.
Inside DIVERSITY
accident on the range Sources say that Kendoll Lorenzo “accidentally” discharged her rifle in Colly Danlin’s general direction, injuring him. Sources cannot confirm or deny that this was the beginning of a Student Assembly coup. Check back with The Fat Head for more information. — Fat Head Assoc. News Editor Comrad Bielskiovna
Inside PROGRESS
Class of 2019 aggressively diverse
College boasts that accepted students include a surprising number of black high school seniors. More than you would think! page 4 Shitty
Flatheadnews.com | Obey us:
College unveils Master Plan
Broken into five-year installments, this final solution will make use of student labor to beautify and purify our campus. page 6
opinions
Opinions Editor Zellen zellen@zellen.com // @thefathead
The Fat Head | Friday, April 1, 2015 | Page 2
KNOW
WHERE
In defense of apathy
O
GRAPHIC BY REHOBOAM / THE FLAT HAT
Sit down, William and Mary FDR
FLAT HAT OPINIONS COLUMNIST
At the College of William and Mary, we don’t discriminate. And by that I mean we don’t discriminate among the causes we support. Want to stand with survivors? Stand with your favorite Student Assembly candidate? Stand with your favorite third-
world country in its time of need? You’re not alone! Mostly because, here at the College, it’s never been easier to force your fellow students to stand with you. All you need is a whiteboard and a camera. Some have said that forcing your classmates to pose holding whiteboards proclaiming their reason(s) for standing with every single cause on campus might be a tad repetitive. But that’s not the point. Have we considered the practical consequences of our constant standing? If not, it’s high time we do. As Rosa Parks once said, “I’m not standing because my feet hurt.” Yeah, no, she didn’t say that, but the sentiment still applies. My feet are in constant pain from walking these uneven bricks in search of the food truck, and they hurt just as badly as I
continuously stand on the terrace posing for pictures. My arms ache from holding the whiteboard. My mouth hurts from forcing a smile. My eyes water as I struggle to keep them open. Please don’t make me keep standing. As a campus, we value students’ mental and physical health over just about everything else. It seems immoral to force us to stand when it takes such a toll. Also, I can’t have all my Facebook pictures looking the same. With these important issues in mind, I call the William and Mary community to action. Grab your whiteboards, markers and cameras, and let’s begin a new campaign. I call it, “Sit Down, William and Mary.” Because let’s be real — all this standing is rocking the boat. And I’m too exhausted to paddle anymore.
“newsinsight
My arms ache from holding the whiteboard. My mouth hurts from forcing a smile. My eyes water as I struggle to keep them open.
I AM...
The Student Assembly held a late-night branding ceremony Thursday night to help increase student awareness of the organization. The fire-light festivities used the $3,000 the SA Senate allocated to branding materials earlier this year to purchase hot irons, coals and ice packs. The SA president, vice president, and senators — who wished to remain anonymous — bared their left butt cheeks for branding by SA Advisor Tricky Freddy. Students could purchase tickets to the event for $15 and all the proceeds went toward on-campus mental health awareness programs.
Conflict erupted at the College of William and Mary earlier this week as freshmen organized a demonstration outside of the buildings formerly known as the Units. In an unprecedented turn of events, controversy began following a Yik Yak post in which one student wrote, “does any1 else think these buildingz are black & blue?” Students were quickly divided as to the color of the buildings, and #teamblackandblue has refused to re-enter any buildings on campus until the Green and Gold Village’s name is changed. Forced to respond Wednesday night, Jinjer Ambles ’88 Ph.D. ’06 said the administration is considering changing the name back to the Units. “Why we ever changed it, I don’t know,” she said.
P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney
The Indiana Bunker 867-5309 / molewomen@fathead.com PRIDE runtheworld@fathead.com LUST myhumps@fathead.com ENVY jessiesgirl@fathead.com
WRATH sledgehammer@fathead.com GLUTTONY mymilkshake@fathead.com SLOTH ijustwannalayinmybed@fathead.com
GREED golddigger@fathead.com
ÁineSane enMembrane Sharks’ Rights Activist Tuckasaurus Men’s Rights Activist
Comrade Bielskiovna Putin’s Rights Activist Kajayjay TFA Rights Activist Emilio Charmander Pokemon’s Rights Activist Sarita Ruiz Munchkins’ Rights Activist Nicks Ebola Anti-Vaxers’ Rights Activist SS Higginbotham Swingers’ Rights Activist Izzy Azalea Ranters’ Rights Activist MLE NI Righters’ Writes Activist
Cheshire Cat Chief Assassin Amanda Bynes Lobsters’ Rights Activist Carouline Nutter Winos’ Rights Activist A$hLEE Facebook Rights Activist Cornontheshaub Censorship Activist Kott in the Hott Vibes’ Rights Activist Sharpe Not Flat GFF Rights Activist Isis Hi YikYakkers’ Rights Activist
?
“For twelve years, you have been asking: Who is John Galt? This is John Galt speaking. I am the man who loves his life. I am the man who does not sacrifice his love or his values. I am the man who has deprived you of victims and thus has destroyed your world, and if you wish to know why you are perishing — you who dread knowledge — I am the man who will now tell you.” The Fat Head welcomes submissions to the Opinions section. Limit letters to 250 words and columns to 650 words. Letters, columns, graphics and cartoons reflect the view of the author only. Email submissions to fhopinions@gmail.com.
The Fat Head | Friday, April 1, 2015 | Page 2
Freshman convinced Green and Gold Village is actually Black and Blue village
‘GOIN’ UP ON A TUESDAY’ | IT’S OCT. 3
The staff editorial represents the opinion of The Fat Head. The editorial board, which is elected by The Fat Head’s section editors and executive staff, consists of Dagny Taggart, Francisco d’Anconia, Henry Rearden, Ragnar Danneskjöld and John Galt.
Stuff That Happens Editor Merrylegs Being Popular Editor Mollywobbles Too Cultured For You Editor Deivie
SA brands itself like cattle
The Fat Head
nly 28.3 percent of students turned out for last week’s Student Assembly election, while the remaining 71.7 percent stayed home, snug in their beds, blissfully unaware and happy as clams. We commend the 71.7 percent of students who either had better things to do or else got bored midway through reading Yohance Whitaker’s name. TL;DR. But even one student who kind of cares about things is one too many. Here are steps we can all take to make our campus a more apathetic place. You know those tables at the Sadler Center? The ones with students trying to help families in Nigeria or maybe Uganda, and they’re either building wells or providing villages with various farm animals? And those students at the tables, the ones who really seem to care? They are beyond hope. Do not become like them. Never, ever wear wristbands or colored ribbons affiliated with a cause. A wristband is just a weird relic from Lance Armostrong’s con man years. A cause ribbon is just a reminder of our collective failure to cure cancer. Purposefully avoid attending TEDx. Do not learn how to cultivate your genius through planting gardens for the Poor. Do not trust anything that includes the word “symposium.” Help breed ill will toward the Leonardo da Vinci exhibit. Practice saying: “You mean, like, that Tom Hanks movie about secret codes?” Or, “Was he that Star Trek actor who just died?” Or, “I felt neutral about his performance in ‘Inception.’” We can only hope that more students start following the lead of the 71.7 percent, and that we all do our part to stop doing anything at all. As George Bernard Shaw said, “Progress is impossible without change, and we don’t need either because half-priced wine night is already a thing.”
VOX: Live sex act followed by live abortion Furthering its mission to educate the campus community about sexual health, VOX performed a live sex act followed by a live abortion this past Wednesday. The intercourse was performed in Tidewater A, after which the audience moved to Commonwealth Auditorium to watch the abortion. Spectators described the event as “messy” and “slightly arousing.” VOX managed to change the mind of at least one pro-life activist who attended, who was quoted as saying, “You know, under the lights in Commonwealth, it doesn’t seem that bad.”
IT’S REALLY
If you were a bomb threat, what would your spirit animal be?
“A shark. They’re the bombs of the sea.”
Áîñê Cåïŋ’16
“Chancey B.”
“If bomb threats are a form of free speech, and bombs are protected under the Second Amendment, then the spirit of the law suggests a creature of great power and great responsibility. So, Spiderman.” #freeKJ ‘18
James ’17
variety
Variety Editor Sarabby Variety Editor No one else matters idreamedadream@gmail.com // @thefathead
The Fat Head | Friday, April 1, 2015 | Page 9
WET.
How to have a racist party
To all Greek organizations: If you have to ask, you’re doing it wrong
IT’S REALLY
JesusWasWhite
Confusion corner columnist
For 322 years, students at the College of William and Mary have known how to turn up and throw down. However, recent events have sparked debate as to whether some party themes are racist, drawing back the veil on a chilling existential question that plagues every party-thrower: If you throw a racist party and people question its offensiveness, is it still a racist party? If you’re straddling the dreaded “Could my racist party potentially be interpreted as not racist?” line, here are some tips to ensure you leave no doubt in the minds of partygoers, bitter noninvitees and random Yik Yak trolls alike. Host a racist not-movie night: invite your friends over to actively not watch Selma. Mute the television, turn around, and stare at the opposite wall until it’s over. Choose your party theme using this template: [something that’s associated with white people but doesn’t explicitly denote whiteness] + [something that’s associated with a minority but doesn’t explicitly denote minority-ness]. Use alliteration and/or rhyming when possible, i.e. “Preppy Overachievers and Petty Thieve-rs.” However, just because
(artsy white space)
you’re not being explicit doesn’t mean your racist intentions shouldn’t be clear. Avoid wishy-washy, ambiguous themes — not all golfers are white and not all gangsters are black. Just ask Tiger Woods and Tony Soprano. Have a Tiger and Tony party. Don’t let your skin color limit your costume possibilities, though. Remember, blackface is just the performativity of race, and race is just a social construct. If you identify as black, even if you were assigned a different race at birth, you deserve to have your outsides match your insides. Don’t rag on a single minority just because it happens to be in the news a lot; be inclusive. Here are some good, inclusive themes: Narcotraffickers
and Terrorist Attackers. Chopsticks and Cholos. Togas and Turbans. Burkas and Burritos. Illegals and Indians (not the kind from India). ISIS and Icelandic People. Basic Bitches and Lilo and Stitches (can’t forget the Pacific Islanders and the aliens). People Who Are Good at Math and Music* and People Who Answer the Phones in Call Centers (the kind from India). Now, go forth and conquer, and watch your popularity soar as the Yik Yak floodgates open. Oh, glory, glory.
April 1 1
Monday, April 1 — An individual was arrested for flipping the Sadler stepping stones to make them walkable.
2
Tuesday, April 1 — An individual was arrested for posting colorful photos of happy students on the walls of the Marketplace.
3
Wednesday, April 1 — An individual was arrested for repainting the walls of Lodge 1 their original green.
4
Thursday, April 1 — An individual was arrested for spreading preventative salt on the ground in anticipation of future snow.
*BYO violin.
JesusWasWhite is a Confusion Corner columnist and responded to the SA Racial Climate Survey under 45 different aliases.
sports
SURVEY SAYS (Family Feud, anyone?) Where we prove how baseless claims sound so much better if you say you used a survey.
Alarming misconceptions on Twitter A recent Fat Head survey evaluating student’s understanding of social media uncovered surprising results. Nearly 80 percent of respondents believed ‘MT,’ commonly used on Twitter, referred to Marcus “Aurelius” Thorntown.
MT
Eternal Optimist M. Scone Sometimes Nihilist J. Powah Frequent Pessimist C. Webby flathatsports@gmail.com @lastexit_toDC
The Fat Head | Friday, April 1, 2015 | Page 8
COLD
Tribe recruits tall, lanky, white guy Chaver says he has ‘funny feeling,’ expects new approach to transform program
Swem gamers worried about Zable Respondents to a Fat Head questionaire listed concern over the Zable construction as the most pressing issue of the upcoming semester. A group known as the “First Floor Swem Computer Gamers” voiced displeasure of the apparent lack of study rooms overlooking the field. “There’s no way I go to games - Swem offers all I need,” one respondent wrote. Others advocated for the destruction of Zable Stadium, as the loud noises during football game are a disctration.
Coaches hate on IM sports in poll Nearly three-quarters of the coaches listed IM sports as a leading contributor to in-season distractions. “I just can’t get my guys to focus,” one coach wrote. “They’re all hooked to that IM stuff, arguing about which freshman hall can take down those law school punks.” It is unclear whether any freshman hall will indeed defeat the law school.
NEWS & NOTES If you dig deep enough, you’ll find even Thrilliamsburg has news. Here’s looking at you, stapler/gun incident of 2012.
Editors admitted to Sentara Regional A trio of outgoing Fat Head sports editors were admitted to Sentara Regional late last week. Witnesses say the three attempted to keep pace with a cross country practice. They were found alongside Richmond Road, apparently attempting to crawl to the bars.
Faculty throw down at Rec Center A timid bunch of freshmen from Botetourt reported an encounter with members of the College’s faculty at the Rec Center late Wednesday night. According to reports, the faculty challenged the freshmen to 5-on-5 basketball. “It didn’t go well,” said a freshman wearing her high school sweatshirt and clutching her knee.
Zable Stadium ghost revealed The identity of the so-called Zable Ghost was leaked early Thursday morning. “That’s just Coach L,” a member of the football team said. “He’s big into intrepretive dance. He’s rehearsing for an upcoming show. He’s supposed to be ‘Letdown.’”
DESPERATE CRY FOR HELP After years of borderline disappointing attendance, William and Mary’s Athletic Department plans to announce new steps meant to engage students. “If we can’t get them to come on their own, we’re just going to bribe them,” a source close to the situation said. The new approach follows last season’s success in giveaways. The numbers showed frat tanks and cheap ass sunglasses did more for attendance than winning teams. Lewis & Clarke Personal Injury Attornys, Motel 2 — We’ll Leave the Light On and Door Unlocked, the Student Assembly and the BDSM Club all agreed to participate. “We didn’t really want to include the student government, but they used a lot of big words and empty promises,” a source said. “We went along with it.” The source confirmed paying large sums of money to students was also a popular option among top department h c at o f f i c i a l s . w e Pl
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COURTESY PHOTO / LAZURAS OF BETHANY
New recruit Ricky Smith-James-Green averaged six points and two rebounds in last season’s Suburbia Rec League.
CAA RUNNERS-UP OR BUST FAT HEAD MAN-BUN LOVER On the heels of another loss in the Colonial Athletic Association title game, head coach Antonio Chaver announced systemic changes to the William and Mary basketball program. In front of a packed crowd at press conferences in Kaplan Arena, Chaver outlined a new recruitment strategy and a reworked set of program goals. “We’ve spent the better part of the last decade making a respectable name for this basketball
program,” Chaver said. “That all ends now.” Chaver highlighted recruitment as key in the program overhaul. A new focus on suburban areas, hotbeds for basketball talent, takes center stage. Chaver said to expect Tribe scouts to attend local YMCA leagues. A tall white kid, who averaged nearly six points and two boards a game in last season’s Surburbia Rec League, was on hand to demonstrate the new approach. “I just feel like I’m the one to take this program to the next level,” Ricky SmithJamesGreen said. “I’ve
put in the work on NBA2K14. And I didn’t foul out of every game this season in the league, and that’s in the senior league too.” After excusing SmithJamesGreen to the games room (previously known as the film room), Chaver continued his presentation. Rather than chase the elusive bid to the National Collegiate Athletic Association, Chaver said he was taking a page out of the football program’s playbook. “Look, all you can ask for is winning season,” Chaver said. “Sure, winning is nice, but so is a slightlybetter-than-average season.” Chaver said this year’s run into the National Invitation Tournament was “nice”, but not what he expects from future teams. Instead, the College will focus almost exclusively on finishing in the middle of the pack and hope for a shot at an even less important post-season tournament. Asked if he was simply trying to mediate expectations, Chaver paused for a full minute. “This school isn’t ready for a perennial contender.” Chaver said. “So expect below-average and be happy when we’re average.”
THIS PART IS REAL(LY SAPPY) Thanks for reading guys. It’s been a fun ride the last four years. — JP/MS/CM
I’M SCARED
OF DYING
Coach genuinely thinks Tribe will never fire him, no matter what the hell he does
Tribe to build 225-foot statue in Zable Stadium renovation
LeCock announces new Galatic Lord Xenu strategy to get self fired donates to College I AM A TWAMP I HAVE NEVER SEEN FOOTBALL In a Monday press conference, William and Mary head coach Jimmy LeCock announced that he will actively attempt to get fired this season. LeCock, who graduated from the College in 1970 and has been coaching the Tribe since 1980, insisted that there is nothing he can do, short of committing a felony, that will compel the College to fire him. “Last season I tried running the same slow-developing run play on every first down and that didn’t work, so I’m switching things up,” LeCock said. “This season, the Tribe will not have a quarterback on the roster.” LeCock unveiled the Tribe’s new base offense, which will consist of seven offensive linemen and four running backs. Before each snap, the Tribe will announce which running back will run the ball and exactly where he will run, in order to ensure opposing defenses will know who to target. “I realized that my play calling was a little too creative last season, and that if we as a team are totally committed to getting me fired, we cannot continue these mental errors,” LeCock said. “Scoring touchdowns, gaining yards and doing anything to excite our fan
base are the types of mental mistakes that will not be made anymore.” The Tribe has set goals to average 65 yards per game and three points per game. In addition, talented players such as sophomore quarterback Steve Clooney will serve as equipment managers. “That’s fine, I didn’t like only handing off and getting sacked anyway,” Clooney said. LeCock, whose name adorns the College’s $11 million football facility — yes, $11 million — said that if his offense fails to get him fired by October, he will resort to throwing garbage at the opposing bench and punching athletic director Derry Triscoll directly in the face every time he sees him.
COURTESY PHOTO / MARY MAGDALENE
LeCock points for absolutely no reason.
PRAISE LORD XENU RESISTANCE IS FUTILE The College of William and Mary recently received a $600 million donation from the Galactic Lord Xenu to help renovate Zable Stadium. According to William and Mary News, Xenu stated that $590 million should go toward renovations of the stadium and $10 million should go toward student athlete scholarships. With this most recent gift, Xenu has now given $669.4 million to the College, after his sizable donation to the Mason School of Business in 2009. Athletic Director Derry Triscoll said the gift is extraordinary and will have a lasting legacy at the school. “It will provide significant support towards making our stadium more attractive to students, season-ticket holders, and scientologists who are able to confront the aberrative factors that have allowed the thetan to lose his innate freedom and ability,” Triscoll said. “Lord Xenu is an outstanding philanthropist and interstellar hegemon whose extreme generosity will help take Tribe football to the next level.” Triscoll unveiled the tentative plans for the new renovations, which were stipulated by Xenu during the
agreement for the gift. The plan calls for a 225-foot bronze statue of the Galactic Lord himself. The statue will have its base at the 50-yard line and will take up most of the field. In addition, the stands will be removed and replaced with an embankment of stone columns to ring around the central statue. The columns will contain luxury boxes for successful alumni and alien leaders. “The stadium really, truly needs a jolt — a new life — if it is going to continue to meet the needs of the university. It can’t simply go on as it has been,” President Taylord Revely said. “With Lord Xenu’s fantastic largesse we will be able to bring this ancient arena up to 21st Century standards, while giving us an incredible outlet for which to venerate our Galactic overlords.” Xenu served as dictator of the Galactic Confederacy for nearly a million years, before retiring to the planet Stankonia. As dictator, Xenu brought several billion of his alien constituents to Earth, stacked them around volcanoes, and killed them with hydrogen bombs. Because the angry spirits of these aliens adhered to early humans, Xenu is commonly blamed for all human suffering. He and his wife also served on the College’s Board of Visitors until 2003.
ALONE
Tribe football uses film room to catch up on television Players binged watched ‘New Girl,’ ‘Downton Abbey’ instead of prepping for games NO SPOILERS BINGE ALL DAY, BINGE ALL NIGHT In a surprising twist, a William and Mary film room attendant revealed that Tribe football players used their time allotted to study game film to catch up on “New Girl,” “Downton Abbey” and “The Mindy Proejct.” Film study is considered a crucial part of the football preparation process, so the College’s coaching staff allocates substantial practice time to the exercise. However, all of the Tribe’s players — and some of the coaches — have used the College’s state-of-the-art facility to stay caught up on current television trends. The scandal began simply as silent viewing, punctuated by occasional laughter or surprised gasps, but eventually became more elaborate.
The film room attendant, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that he recently walked in on offensive coordinator Kevin Wrodgers giving a detailed breakdown of how “New Girl” star Zooey Deschanel uses her body language to emphasize the adorkability of her character. “It was supposed to be a one time thing, but we all just fell in love with the characters,” senior receiver Trees McBridges said. “I find Nick’s character arc particularly strong. Who doesn’t want to root for the grouchy slacker to find the love that softens his heart?” The Tribe’s obsession with “Downton Abbey” is even more powerful. The players have been reported to watch marathons of five or six episodes at a time. The Tribe nearly missed its own homecoming game because the entire team was frantically trying to finish series four before spoilers appeared on Buzzfeed.
Now that the team has caught up on “New Girl,” “Downton Abbey” and “The Mindy Project,” it will need to return to its normal use of the film room. Sources say the team will re-watch all the first six seasons of Mad Men in preparation for the premiere of its final season, which the team previously viewed during the 2013 campaign.
COURTESY PHOTO / JUDAS ISCARIOT
Tribe football players are obsessed with Downton Abbey.