APRIL FOOLS GET WRECKED
T HE F AT H EAD The Weekly Student Newspaper
of The College of William and Mary
flathatnews.com | @theflathat
College administration announces conversion of Sunken Garden into world’s tallest parking garage CRISTAHL FANG // FAT HEAD EDITOR-IN-CHRIST
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SADDYDADDY420 // SUPREME OVERLORD Katherine Rowe confirms ‘Year of the Arts’ out but ‘Year of the Farts’ is in, apologizes for erroneous misspelling LIL QUEEF // DEVOURER OF WORLDS
Mon. Apr. 1, 2024, President Katherine Rowe released a statement terminating the remainder of scheduled programming for the College of William and Mary’s Year of the Arts. While Rowe had originally announced in fall 2023 that the 2023-24 school year would be centered on uplifting and amplifying arts education in recognition of the recent opening of the Arts Quarter, she is now clarifying that the Year of the Arts should have never happened and was the result of grave oversight from the College’s administration. “It has come to our attention that we have mistakenly launched the Year of the Arts instead of the Year of the Farts as originally intended,” Rowe wrote. “Effective
immediately, we will now be commencing the Year of the Farts, and the Year of the Arts and its associated programming will no longer be active. We have already removed all promotional materials and scheduled events from our campus and official website. We thank all of our students and faculty for their continued patience and understanding with this clerical error, and we deeply apologize to our fartists and fart majors on campus who were overlooked during this period.” Rowe then unveiled a new calendar of updated events centered around flatulence, such as gastroenterology workshops led by a visiting professor from John Hopkins University, free jars of flatulence and whoopee
cushions sponsored by Student Assembly and new 2024 Atwater Lecture speaker Mr. Methane (more commonly known as the greatest British flatulist of all time). Laxatives will now be offered free of charge from the student pharmacy in the Wellness Center, according to Rowe. She also noted that the Arts Quarter would be correctly renamed to the Farts Quarter in the coming week with new signage and reopening reception with a performance by the Wind Ensemble and an open bean buffet. “I’m glad we’re finally getting some visibility on campus,” Avi Joshi, a member of Wind Ensemble, said.
Monday, April 1, President Katherine Rowe wrote in an email to students that the administration plans to add an astronomically large parking garage to the Sunken Garden that will include 5,000,000 new parking spaces. The announcement comes amidst a parking shortage on campus, in part due to the increased construction to build new residential facilities. Students will not be permitted to park in the new spaces at Sunken Garden. Instead, the parking will be reserved for tourists in Colonial Williamsburg. The administration explained that the garage is part of their plan to increase marketing for the College and drive up the number of applicants. Many students are angry that the new parking garage will detract from the beauty of campus. “ This is literally fucking stupid,” Whogafni Mehrabi ’25 said. The Sunken Garden will now feature a concrete base for cars to park. Students will still be permitted to pass through, but WMPD will forcibly detain any students passing diagonally through the lot. There will be no crosswalks, according to the email from President Rowe. “Students have expressed their love for Crossy Road so much we thought we’d create a Williamsburg version. It will also help students burn some extra calories while they dodge cars on their way to class,” Rowe said. The parking garage will include a skybridge that passes through the historic Wren Building and ends with an elevator right in the middle of Confusion Corner. The skybridge will be decked out with images of notable William & Mary alumni, including Congressman Matt Gaetz, who graduated from the Law School. The skybridge will also feature the faint odor of horse poop to prepare visitors for the sights of the ‘burg and promote the Year of the Farts. At the very top of the 47,000 story garage will be a brand new cafe entitled ‘ The Daily Glock.’ Lavatories on the premises will be outfitted with glock 19s, mags and silencers for those who need to relieve their distinctly American urges as well as their bladders. “ This place sounds so sick,” Maximus “Barbeque” Grill ‘26 said. “I’m definitely sneaking up there.” Construction is set to commence at Commencement in May.
RIDDLES AND LIES
Campus Embraces Swamp Life:
COLLEGE MALE ROLLS BARS A BIT TOOOOOOO HARD JORBES RECIVES INVITE TO JOIN ORCHESIS FOLLOWING BREAK DANCING P ERF O RMANC E
Athletic Department Announces Plans for Mud Wrestling Team ISABELLA B. SWAN // PUTS THE “S” IN IBS Monday, Apr. 1, students reported alarm over the new landscaping choices of Barskdale Field located between Lemon Hall and Phi Beta Kappa Memorial Hall. The emergence of ten-foot tall turd dunes stood in stark contrast to the green grass of yesteryear. In response to the confusion expressed by the student body, The College of William and Mary’s Athletic Department released a statement announcing their plans for a new sports team. “With outdoor sporting events reaching a standstill due to recent torrential weather spells in the region, and Williamsburg’s preexisting Shrek-like swamp conditions, William and Mary is happy to introduce our newest weather-friendly sporting option: Mud Wrestling,” a representative stated. In a special collaboration between senior administrators and members of the interfraternity and panhellenic council, the College hatched an initiative to get down and dirty with the millennia-old sporting tradition. “We want the mud,” a member of Kappa Sigma Ligma, Queefan Chin, said. Members of the College’s panhellenic council also expressed their support for mud-wrestling’s storied history of gender equality. “There are so many issues with Title IV on campus and with women’s sports teams continuing to get
INDEX
THE FAT HEAD IS PURELY SATIRICAL. WE ARE THE COVID CLASS AND DESERVE YOUR PITY. CALM DOWN WOKE MEDIA AND DONT SUE US. PLEASE I HAVE A WIFE AND KIDS.
underfunded or neglected. It’s empowering to know the college is creating a co-ed sporting team that has a long history of respecting women,” a member of Smeta Theta Phi, Hanna Barnsburger, said. The recent excavation of Barksdale field is part of a greater effort to introduce more nature-immersive sports into the College’s athletic lexicon. The Athletic Department’s official statement also announced plans to merge the Crim and Grim Dell to create an Olympic-sized bog in preparation for a new swamp swim team. Though the announcement was met with stifled enthusiasm, an anonymous tip submitted to the Fat Head revealed that the new construction points towards a nefarious green trail–cash green. “With all the flooding on campus, the high cost of maintaining green spaces on campus, and our shrinking endowment, the administration has been seeking out cheaper mud-based alternatives for all large outdoor fields. No shoe will be safe ever again,” stated the whistleblower. The College declined to comment on these accusations. In the meantime, it seems the twamp swamp is finally living up to its name. Students should soon prepare to trade in their frisbees for fighting fists and get ready to get dirty.
Inside Opinions
So what if Iʼm attracted to some of the statues on campus? If you don’t want to lick the Griffin’s ball you’re lying to yourself. I’m ready to share my truth. page 5
MOLLIE SOUFFLÉ // MAYOR OF L BOZO Thursday, April 1, Fake Jorbes expected a normal Thursday night beer at bars with his boys. What he did not expect was to be burpee-ing in the corner parking lot while reciting the state motto of Massachusetts as a helicopter lurked overhead. “I was just tryna relax and get my ’rona,” Jorbes said. “I’ve been 21 forever, since like, January. I don’t know why the bouncer was being so anal.” Jorbes recounted walking up to the entrance before a massive forearm blocked his path. Suddenly, a large man obstructed his hot girl walk into the bar with a resounding “I NEED TO SEE YOUR ID.” The 21-year-old confidently showed his Boston ID to the bouncer, but was met with a condescending remark that he didn’t walk like a Sox fan. Jorbes laughed it off, but the bouncer was not joking. “He immediately radio-ed for backup,” Jorbes said. “Then three more bouncers appeared behind him with a cop. They all said at the same time, ‘What elementary school did you go to, huh?’ To which I of course replied, ‘Trotter, and they gave us pitchers of Apple Juice. You guys should learn from that.’ Apparently, I hesitated for too long.” After this, a large van pulled up and a SWAT team filed out one-by-one, ordering Jorbes into the parking lot. “All I saw was Fake sprinting onto the blacktop parking lot, then dropping into burpees,” bar customer and incident onlooker Hivian Voang said. “Danu and I had never seen him run that fast, and we saw him when the Mellow Mushroom arrived at formal.” As Jorbes began his burpees, a helicopter whirled overhead, ready to snatch him up if he messed up his recitation of the state motto. “I was so happy to see him almost make it through the experience,” Danu Asai, sitting with Voang, said. “As soon as he said ‘By the Sword We Seek Peace, but Peace Only Under Tree’ instead of ‘By the Sword We Seek Peace, but Peace Only Under Liberty,’ we knew he was screwed.” The helicopter grabbed him from his 12th burpee. The Fat Head is coordinating with Jorbes from the county jail. His bail is $6,969. See SEXUAL FANTASIES on page 2
Inside Variety
Seance goes wrong, students accidentally posessed by the spirits of Margaret Thatcher and Harry Kissinger Former dead prime ministers-turned-chancellors back for more. page 7
Inside Sports
College announces new hunter-gatherer meal plan.
Plan kicks off new healthly eating initiative and definitly isn’t an excuse to avoid improving existing dining halls. page 9