DISCLAIMER: The California Aggie’s satire issue is an annual, collaborative effort from our entire staff that highlights humorous, fictionalized articles. The issue is entirely satirical.
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meseeman@ucdavis.edu In an upsetting but unsurprising turn of events, the University of California, Davis has been ranked No.1 in “Most Rizzless Universities” by Forbes’ World University Rankings 2026 for the sixth year in a row. After conducting an unpaid survey, two paid surveys, a double blind experiment, a Stanford experiment and one very somber symphony, UC Davis has been forced to conclude that Forbes may have a point. Following the announcement, the university-based dating website Date Drop has
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deactivated its Davis services, stating: “We really tried our best. Good luck out there lol.” Straight, gay or from the Bay, it seems this Davis lovelessness is blind. Are we just a part of the greater dating recession? One Wired article suggested that a “fear of being cringe” is the real culprit of Generation Z dating disconnect, but I’m positive that fear has never stopped UC Davis students (who are often, for better or for worse, devotees to the “cringe is dead” mentality). Maybe we can try to blame it on our sad and lonely generation, but look at UC Los Angeles (UCLA): they’re totally studying the birds and the bees over there. So, what do UC Davis students have to say about this now-annual public humiliation
ritual? When I interviewed students to get to the bottom of what makes UC Davis the top-performer in romantic underperformance, there was a suspicious lack of shock. “Sounds about right,” fourth-year economics major Noah Game said, upon hearing the news. Dejected first-year communication major Richard Ryder also spoke on his experience: “I never thought about factoring the dating scene into my college search,” he said. “Now I wish I had.” The Aggie spoke to more students on the matter, receiving mixed explanations. “It’s gotta be the smell,” Ivan Jerkins, a secondyear science and technology major, said. “The whole cow manure thing — it’s a real turnoff.” This was a fantastic point,
that was somewhat hurt by the fact that he obviously wasn’t wearing deodorant. Mia Lovelace, a third-year civil engineering major, said, “the only bang we’re getting is Bang Energy. I don’t have time for woo-hooing — I haven’t slept in days.” This sentiment was echoed my many interviewees. “It’s the incels, the femcels, the Aggies glued to their Excel cells. Nobody wants to go out anymore — the ‘A’ in Aggie stands for abstinence,” firstyear design major Kerrie Dixon — whose first choice was UC Berkeley — said. “Although, I am surprised we’re higher than UC Socially Dead,” she admitted after a pause. Harsh! But we reluctantly struggled to disagree. In my personal research through the depths of UC Davis Hinge, I found a mess of
strangely depressing pick-up lines (who opens with the Vietnam War?), games of “who’ll reach out first” chicken (which nobody ever wins) and far too many exes of friends (a little soon to be back on Hinge, don’t you think?). It all feels like an extremely shy game of bumper cars where no one is hitting the gas. But at least not everyone had something negative to say. “We are honored to have been featured on this list,” Chancellor Gary May — who still hasn’t learned what “rizz” means — said in an official statement. In another branch of campus, faculty concerned for what this might mean for UC Davis’ legacy have proposed the implementation of a mandatory “family living” course, just in case Aggies weren’t sure how to “knock boots” or “lock that s*** down.” The proposal was
quietly rejected. So, maybe Forbes says we have no game and maybe the only ones getting any are the squirrels, but Vogue says having a boyfriend is uncool anyway! Maybe UC Davis is really just the UC of friendship and whimsy: Is it really such a crime to love your friends so much that you don’t have the time to go out and hunt for someone you can bump uglies with? In Davis, California? Or, actually, maybe UC Davis is really just ahead of the curve. Have Aggies found the secret to freeing ourselves from silly things like feelings and intimacy? Is UC Davis just preparing us for the soulless adult dating world of the country at large? Are we just effeciencymaxxing too hard? Whatever it is, just remember Aggies: even if nobody else ever wants you, at least UC Davis admissions did.
Alcohol found in Segundo Dining Commons apple juice Students and DC workers described the controversial beverage situation
Apple juice in the Segundo Dining Commons (DC) has GRACIELA TIU reportedly been found to contain features@theaggie.org various amounts of alcohol, as students noticed upon returning for spring quarter. Workers observed changes in student DC habits, with an increase in people choosing to drink apple juice over other beverages and lines for the juice dispenser surpassing even the Mongolian barbecue line. Though most students quickly came to learn about the drink’s alcohol content, workers and staff remained in the dark for quite some time. “The juice lines were so long every day, and I couldn’t figure out why,” Timothy Shalameat, a Segundo DC worker, said. “At least 10 people a day have been trying to sneak out cups of apple juice, […] but I had never seen anyone even drink apple juice before this quarter.” Most first-years in the dorms aren’t able to purchase alcohol, given that they tend to be under the legal drinking age. Now, many of them have been taking advantage of the situation and obtaining alcohol during their mealtimes instead of finding alternative means. “I was going to buy a fake ID, but now, thanks to Segundo DC, I don’t have to!” Chad Sendyski, a first-year economics major, said. “Now I can get lit whenever I want. Super stoked to see Segundo DC providing such important necessities for our underage community here at Davis.” Students shared varying descriptions of the juice, leading many to believe the recipe changes by the day. Some say the juice tastes similar to spiked cider, with others noting that it tastes twice as strong — one student even described it as a “sour apple Four Loko.” One firstyear explained how the seemingly fluctuating amounts of alcohol in the CALEB CHEN / AGGIE juice affected her friend. “My friend was pounding like seven cups of apple juice each day, and he was totally fine,” Sarah Ferda, a first-year biochemistry major, said. “On Tuesday, though, I found him passed out at 9 a.m. in the Bixby first floor lounge. He doesn’t even live in Bixby — I think he’s been coming from Cuarto every day for the juice.” When asked, Segundo DC workers denied having known anything about the alcohol. However, some workers have been spotted drinking the juice themselves, according to student witnesses. “Yeah, they definitely knew about the alcohol in the juice,” Sendyski said. “I saw one worker secretly pouring a cup of it into a flask behind the register. I don’t think anyone else noticed, though, since most people were already so drunk from breakfast. I literally saw one girl try to swipe her Yolo Berry rewards card instead of her student ID.” Due to the potential dangers and massive legal violations surrounding the apple juice, the school has been working fervently to repair the situation and remove it from dispensers. Despite this, students are hoping for similar situations to occur in other dining commons as well. “I heard a rumor that the Cuarto DC ice cream is next,” Ferda said. “I don’t know who’s responsible or if they’ll continue, but I hope they keep up the good work.” The school has yet to uncover who the apple juice culprit is, but top administrative officials have noted that they won’t stop until they track them down. Until then, the campus community can only sneak sips of apple juice as they wait for the mystery to be solved.
‘Where is his scalp?’: Davis Republicans welcome first member withou receding hairline
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This momentous occasion is set to be recorded in the UC Davis history books BY KATYA OKS campus@theaggie.org The unthinkable has happened. A moment that will be forever recorded in the history of the most unusual and unlikely events in the history of UC Davis clubs. On April 1, the UC Davis Chapter of College Republicans welcomed their first member without a receding hairline. College Republicans — known for their overgrown mullets and for believing the American flag is blue and black — welcomed the most surprising new member: PJ Trance. Trance, a second-year business major with a minor in the fine arts of ragebaitology,
was hoping to finally find community within the Davis Republicans. Tonald Dump, the President of the Davis College Republicans, shared his experience when he first saw Trance at their weekly club meeting. “Trance came in, and his hairline just seemed so aggressively forward,” Dump said, shuddering at the memory. “The hairline was fully intact! I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.” Dump also told The California Aggie about his first impressions of Trance. “At first I assumed he was lost or canvassing for Democrats,” Dump said, squinting suspiciously as he looked at Trance. “But then he
mentioned ‘low taxes’ and we realized — this might be for real.” Witnesses reported that an audible silence fell over the classroom the moment Trance stepped into the room. The overhead light did not reflect off the newest member’s lack of visible scalp, making many members uncomfortable. Erika Berk, a general member, shared her reaction to Trance as she subtly adjusted her “Make America Great Again” cap. “I mean, frankly, I feel personally attacked,” Berk said. “There’s just so much… hair. What could he possibly be hiding under there? I don’t trust it.” Trance, in his attempt at finding community, is still
seeking his rightful place within the club. “You know, at first I thought they would be happy to see me,” Trance said. “I was hoping that my hairline would be a good addition to the club, you know, to show that us Republicans come in all shapes and sizes.” Dump chuckled at Trance’s comment. “Did he forget we don’t believe in that diversity stuff?” Dump said in response. “I mean we are quite literally fighting against that. But, yeah, his hairline…” Dump looked off in the distance, seemingly lost in thought. “Uh, was there a question?” In response to this new addition to the club, the Davis
Republicans scrambled to fix this so-called “issue.” Feelawn Gusk, the vice president of the Davis Republicans, shared some of the measures the club has taken as a result. For one, when the Davis College Republicans took pictures for their Instagram, members reported that Trance was asked to stand slightly behind others in group photos for “uniformity.” Or at least to wear something over his “ridiculously filled-out scalp.” “There’s nothing wrong with ‘it,’” Gusk said, gesturing at Trance’s head. “It’s just, we worry about the optics of it.” Internal sources confirmed that several members have begun researching stress, genetics and “how fast can his hairline realistically go?” Board members of the
Davis College Republicans also staged an intervention with the newest member. “We sat PJ [Trance] down and had a serious conversation with him,” Gusk said. “We also gave him a list of internships that we’re hoping will cause enough stress to see the hairline start receding. In the meantime, we got him numerous hats that he can wear before that happens.” On their Instagram page, the Davis Republicans reassured their members and alumni about this unprecedented arrival. “Fellow patriots,” the statement began. “Do not fret. This remains to be an isolated incident and does not reflect our values nor our daily routines. Measures are being taken to mitigate the situation.” Trance shared his response to the measures. “I’ll do whatever it takes,” Trance said, nodding to himself. “I’m ready to truly belong in this chapter of the Davis Republicans.”